cfuturama [5x03] - the route of all evil - ciwan

8/12/2019 cFuturama [5x03] - The Route of All Evil - CiWaN

1/23

100:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,231Futurama [5x03] - The Route Of All Evil - CiWaN

200:00:33,920 --> 00:00:38,869Ah, beer. So many choices.And it makes so little difference.

300:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,110How about Lobrau?It has dots on it.

400:00:41,320 --> 00:00:45,313Overruled! The choice ofchampions is Pabst Blue Robot.

500:00:45,480 --> 00:00:48,438I can't drink that. The metalshavings make my throat bloody.

600:00:49,480 --> 00:00:51,516Baby wants a Zima.

700:00:51,680 --> 00:00:54,672Hey, hey. We can allfight when we're drunk.

800:00:54,880 --> 00:00:56,871Listen, why don't wejust brew our own beer?

900:00:57,080 --> 00:00:58,513You can brew your own beer?

1000:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,712Sure. The kids at the orphanariumused to do it all the time.

1100:01:07,120 --> 00:01:11,477Cursed bacteria of Liberia! My own son,

suspended from boarding school.

1200:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,875It's not my fault, Dad.And you, Cubert.

1300:01:14,080 --> 00:01:18,153I cloned you from one of my warts,


2/23


3/23

00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,430For the last time. Salt him, Dwight.

2700:02:07,040 --> 00:02:10,396When I re-Solidify, I'm gonnaput you in a world of goop.

2800:02:12,120 --> 00:02:14,998See? That bully started it.We couldn't fight back with brawn...

2900:02:15,160 --> 00:02:19,312So we used our brains.I warned you not to use those things!

3000:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,273Let's see. We've got our malt.Our hops.

31

00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,159We just need a bigdisposable tub to mix it in.

3200:02:31,760 --> 00:02:35,196Now it needs to boil for a couple hours.

3300:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,078Dwight, you remember the crew?Yeah.

3400:02:42,240 --> 00:02:45,198Crew, you remember Cubert?Yeah.

3500:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,516Wonderful!Then I'm sure you won't mind...

3600:02:47,680 --> 00:02:51,559Being their legal guardians for a month.

3700:02:52,400 --> 00:02:57,235Well, well, if it isn't my old friends,Stretch Pants, No Pants...

3800:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,709And Idiot.


4/23

3900:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,953We're making beer. I'm the brewery.I heard alcohol makes you stupid.

4000:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,550No, I'm... Doesn't.Actually, Dwight, you're right.

4100:03:07,720 --> 00:03:12,635Alcohol is very, very bad. For children.But once you turn 21...

4200:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,837It becomes very, very good.So scram.

4300:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,798Oh, man.I'm sick of this.

4400:03:19,280 --> 00:03:22,909Hey, Dad. What useless contraptionare you half-Baking today?

4500:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,629You what?Oh, this is my latest invention.

4600:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,713

A device that lets anyonesound exactly like me.

4700:03:30,920 --> 00:03:33,832Good news, everyone.I'm a horse's butt.

4800:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,713I am? That's not goodnews at all, you little...

4900:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,912What's this device's marketability?Who's the target consumer?

5000:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,112There is no target consumer.Only targets.


5/23

5100:03:44,280 --> 00:03:48,512Targets that will tremble in fearas their new masters hand down edicts

5200:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,148In my glorious, booming voice!

5300:03:51,560 --> 00:03:55,155Now quit pestering me,you confounded scoundrels!

5400:04:00,080 --> 00:04:01,513Can I collate that?No.

5500:04:01,680 --> 00:04:05,036Can I shred these contracts?No!

5600:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,629Wow! A power stamper.

5700:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,992Now look at all the work I gotta do!

5800:04:24,680 --> 00:04:25,954The ingredients are cooked.

59

00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,549They picked up some of yournatural robot flavorings.

6000:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,199Time to add the yeast.

6100:04:30,960 --> 00:04:35,317Yeast? You mean I'll have alife form growing inside me?

6200:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,552It's so beautiful.

6300:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,114Talk to me.This is Professor Farnsworth.

64


6/23

00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:47,431I have an important deliveryfor you and your dumb crew.

6500:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,319You must deliver a pizza to Dog Doo 8...

6600:04:50,480 --> 00:04:53,153A planet at the edge of the universe.

6700:04:53,360 --> 00:04:57,797Sorry I can't come to say goodbye,but I'm busy inventing useless junk.

6800:04:57,960 --> 00:05:01,111And I smell bad.

6900:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,718If you were my kids, you'd get

quite a talking to. From your father.

7000:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,711When he got home from the Senate.

7100:05:25,920 --> 00:05:27,638Oh, bother.What have they done now?

7200:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,633

Those pork dumplings sentus on a fake pizza delivery.

7300:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,313The address was on Dog Doo 8.

7400:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,153But the universe endsright after Dog Doo 7.

75

00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:38,716Child-Man, is this true?Yeah. But why are you mad at us?

7600:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,350Your dummy brigade wasted a weekon an obviously fake mission.

77


7/23

00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,711Plus, they're making bootlegbeer inside company property.

7800:05:45,920 --> 00:05:48,912Lies! Lies and slander!

7900:05:49,080 --> 00:05:53,392Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed?That's the last straw!

8000:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,511You boys have beenunderfoot long enough.

8100:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,836You jerked the wordsright out of my mouth.

82

00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,037We're their fathers,and it's high times we acted like it.

8300:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,713Here comes violence.

8400:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,157Get a job, you lazy kids.

85

00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:12,314I guess if you want children beaten,you have to do it yourself.

8600:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,758Come on, Dad. Shuffle faster!

8700:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,275You don't wanna miss theunveiling of our company.

8800:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,590Company?

8900:06:21,760 --> 00:06:27,551Cute. What'll you peddle? Lemonade?Shoeshines? Cootie insurance?

90


8/23

00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:32,157Perhaps they've constructeda teddy bear hospital.

9100:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,797Actually, we're starting acompeting delivery company.

9200:06:40,640 --> 00:06:44,076Welcome to the world of business.

9300:06:51,600 --> 00:06:54,876Who's going to use a deliveryservice with a kicked sign?

9400:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,072Nobody, that's who.We already have a client signed up.

95

00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,959We're delivering the Daily Supernova.

9600:07:01,440 --> 00:07:06,355So your delivery company is justa cute, harmless paper route.

9700:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,551No. It's a serious business.

98

00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:13,151Yes. It's a tremendousresponsibility, all right.

9900:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,920What if a paper wereto land in a puddle?

10000:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,958Civilization as we knowit might get splashed.

10100:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,476Why do they alwaystreat us like dumb kids?

10200:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,837We're practically old enough tofind the Fox Network infantile.


9/23

10300:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,389We'll show them.All Awesome Express needs...

10400:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,074Is a sturdy interstellar delivery craft.

10500:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,079Voil?!

10600:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,800You got a quarter?

10700:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,995Man! The ad said to allow fourto six seconds for delivery.

108

00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,390More like seven.

10900:07:58,760 --> 00:08:03,356I'm really starting to swell upwith beer. I must look ridiculous.

11000:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,391No. You have a healthy glow.

111

00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:10,112Oh, my God! I just felt it ferment.Let me feel.

11200:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,197Have you thought about a name?

11300:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,630I was thinking Benderbrauif it's an ale...

11400:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,631Botwiser if it's a lager.

11500:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,030I hope it's a lager.I can take it to a ball game.

116


10/23

00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:22,599I felt that one!

11700:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,476There's a crack in the hull here.

11800:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,915That could causeexplosive decompression.

11900:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,275Put a sticker on it.

12000:08:36,640 --> 00:08:40,519Off on your first delivery?You be careful, my little tinkler.

12100:08:40,680 --> 00:08:44,070Remember we used to call

you that, huh? Tinkler.

12200:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,714Gets moving. Those newspaperswon't deliver themselves.

12300:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,070Only the Sunday edition can do's that.

12400:08:53,240 --> 00:08:56,755

Goodness, there must be50 papers in that bundle.

12500:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,157That's a big number, 50.Yeah. If you're an idiot.

12600:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,915Three, two, one.All systems go.

12700:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,429Blastoff!

12800:09:13,840 --> 00:09:18,470See you at din-Din.I'm blowing you a kiss.

129


11/23

00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,358Take evasive action!

13000:09:21,560 --> 00:09:26,759It's closing in. You can't avoid it.It's a cheek-Seeker.

13100:09:26,920 --> 00:09:29,150And...Got you!

13200:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,117No!

13300:10:29,000 --> 00:10:33,198Business is down, so I filed papersto have you all reclassified as slaves.

13400:10:35,400 --> 00:10:39,791

Well, well, if it isn'tour little munchkin moguls.

13500:10:41,560 --> 00:10:44,597What's the trouble, men?Need some penny rolls for your profits?

13600:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,360Actually, thanks to Dwight'sbrilliant accounting...

13700:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,080And my unaccountable brilliance...

13800:10:50,240 --> 00:10:53,198Our paper route now hasover a million customers!

13900:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,390We're finally makingmore money than you guys.

14000:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,836Aren't you impressed now, Pops?Aren't you? Aren't you?

14100:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,956In a small way, yes.


12/23

14200:11:02,160 --> 00:11:05,197You still don't have your ownbuilding or conference table...

14300:11:05,360 --> 00:11:06,918Or one of those things.

14400:11:07,080 --> 00:11:08,479Hello.

14500:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,877Our dads are never impressed,no matter what we do.

14600:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,837Maybe we should start a fire.

14700:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,794

If we really want to impress them,we'll have to crush them with strategy.

14800:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,439Dwight Lightning.

14900:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,395Very well.But I get to name the next strategy.

150

00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,868This week on The Real World The Sun:

15100:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,515I'm burning to death!

15200:11:32,680 --> 00:11:36,514You know how much an apartmentthat big would cost on the sun?

153

00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:40,150People! As you know, our youngsons have become great successes...

15400:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,072In the very same field as us.

15500:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,753


13/23

Oh, that's great!That's good.

15600:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,359Naturally, we're humiliated.

15700:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,750That's why we need you,our loyal crew...

15800:11:47,920 --> 00:11:51,515To make Planet Express800% more profitable.

15900:11:51,680 --> 00:11:55,309We'll start by slashing salaries.And this time, I mean really slashing.

16000:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,750

Guys? I don't knowhow to tell you this...

16100:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,309So I'll just let Fryblurt it out thoughtlessly.

16200:12:00,520 --> 00:12:01,953We don't work for you anymore!

163

00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,116What?Dwight and Cubert made us an offer.

16400:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,236We're paperboys now.Incoming!

16500:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,039We've got papers to stuff, team.Hut-Two. Hut-Two.

16600:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,708Yes, sir.We're on it, Mr. Farnsworth.

16700:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,395Folks? The situation is grim.


14/23

16800:12:19,560 --> 00:12:25,192But we shall prevail, thanks to you,our crack team of loyal dregs.

16900:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,470I don't even know who this guy is.I'm Scruffy, the janitor.

17000:12:31,680 --> 00:12:34,717Of course you are.Now, we've got to buckle down...

17100:12:34,880 --> 00:12:36,677And save Planet Express.

17200:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,677I'm on break.

173

00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:50,550Sorry to interrupt this whirlwind ofactivity, but we have an announcement.

17400:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,594I direct your attention to the formswhich I'm presently engaged in handing you.

17500:12:54,920 --> 00:12:58,071Sweet guinea pig of Winnipeg!They've taken over our company.

17600:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,879Balderdash! I never agreed to that.

17700:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,550No. But you did declare yourselfdead three years ago as a tax dodge.

17800:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,911Tax dodge, nothing! You take

one nap in a ditch at the park...

17900:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,355And they start declaringyou this and that.

18000:13:10,560 --> 00:13:13,757Either way, I technically inherit


15/23

your building and your spaceship.

18100:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,753Which means Planet Express is now...

18200:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,911Awesome Express.

18300:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,316You rotten kids!

18400:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,038Will you be hiring?No.

18500:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,151You rotten kids!

186

00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,591There. One million papers,folded and loaded.

18700:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,633Leela, help me apply theseflame decals I got in my cereal.

18800:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,518They'll make the ship go faster.

18900:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,029And what's your scientificbasis for thinking that?

19000:13:49,240 --> 00:13:50,229I'm 12.

19100:13:54,400 --> 00:13:59,076Did I ever tell you howI used to own that ship?

19200:14:03,560 --> 00:14:06,313There but for the grace of God.

19300:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,990Oh, my God! I think it's time!

194


16/23

00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,430Hurry, Leela!Get some coasters and cold mugs.

19500:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,392Push, Bender! Push!

19600:14:26,400 --> 00:14:27,958You're doing great.

19700:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,396Oh, it feels like it's tryingto push a waterbed out of me.

19800:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,034Almost there. Just two more bottles.

19900:14:34,320 --> 00:14:38,313Is it okay? I can't hear anything.

20000:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,836It's an ale. Five gallons, six ounces.

20100:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,994Hey, what's going on?

20200:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,475This is a delivery company,not a delivery room.

20300:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,279We busted our bunsdelivering a million papers...

20400:14:54,440 --> 00:14:58,228And this is how you greet us?With a bunch of frosty cold beers?

20500:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,274

Hey, wait a second. How did youdeliver a million papers in one hour?

20600:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,509We just did, okay?'Cause we're awesome.

20700:15:05,680 --> 00:15:09,116


17/23

Yeah. Awesome.Yeah. Awesome.

20800:15:09,440 --> 00:15:12,159Hello, Awesome Express, the rude,crude delivery dudes.

20900:15:12,320 --> 00:15:15,073How may I direct your call?What's that?

21000:15:15,240 --> 00:15:20,394You haven't gotten your paper?In how long?

21100:15:26,480 --> 00:15:31,429Might a homeless old man havea touch more beef bourguignon...

212

00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,716And another tequila slammer?

21300:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,996Please?Don't you sweet-Talk me...

21400:15:37,160 --> 00:15:41,233You wrinkly old tube sock.May I have one too, wife?

21500:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,318You're both pathetic,being jealous of your own offspring.

21600:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,074Now, you should be happythat they became successes...

21700:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,390Instead of following

in your food stamps.

21800:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,831Oh, it's true.But they grow up so fast.

21900:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,468We wanted a few more years


18/23


19/23

23200:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,875Good thing I had this netinstalled for catching giraffes.

23300:17:16,320 --> 00:17:20,108Okay, boys. Let me showyou how a paper man does it.

23400:17:27,440 --> 00:17:30,352Au revoir!

23500:17:32,200 --> 00:17:33,758Can I use the gun, Dad?

23600:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,117What kind of fatherwould I be if I said no?

237

00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,150Only one house to go.We did it!

23800:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,874Run away!That bully, Brett Blob, lives there.

23900:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,071He's ugly, mean, stupid, stink mucus!

24000:17:56,240 --> 00:18:00,518And last week, we sortof broke his window.

24100:18:00,720 --> 00:18:04,156All right, all right. What do wedo when we break somebody's window?

24200:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,510Pay for it?

Oh, heavens, no!

24300:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,956We apologize with nice, cheap words.

24400:18:12,200 --> 00:18:17,638I thought I heard the doorbell.But I see it was the "dork bell."


20/23

24500:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,872You made a funny good one, Brett.

24600:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,594Now, now, no need togive us the business.

24700:18:23,760 --> 00:18:28,390We'd like a word with your daddy.Whatever. Dad!

24800:18:28,600 --> 00:18:32,832Don't worry, boys. I'm sure his fatheris a perfectly normal, reasonable man.

24900:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,115What do you want?

25000:18:34,320 --> 00:18:38,598Mr. Blob, our sons have come toapologize for damaging your window.

25100:18:38,760 --> 00:18:41,957They've learned their lesson,and they want to make amends.

25200:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,111Sorry, sir.

Yeah, sorry.

25300:18:44,320 --> 00:18:48,598You shove your apology into the bottomof your one-Way digestive system.

25400:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,395Now, see here. We assured our sonsthat you'd accept their apology.

255

00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:58,155Tell you what. I'll accept theirapology when they kiss my ass!

25600:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,431Which I don't have.

25700:19:02,600 --> 00:19:06,434


21/23

No one gives my boy that option.Bring it on, Jell-O pop.

25800:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,875Yeah, get him, Dad.Show him who's boss.

25900:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,872Get him, Pops.Right.

26000:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,593That was incredible!

26100:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,832You are the bravest dadsin the entire trauma center.

26200:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,076

You guys almost had him,until he digested you.

26300:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,748Oh, you're good kids.

26400:19:37,920 --> 00:19:41,469If I could feel anythingright now, it would be pride.

265

00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,918I was wrong! I can still feel pain!

26600:19:48,400 --> 00:19:52,154He's come to finish the job.Someone toss me out the window!

26700:19:52,360 --> 00:19:56,399No, no wait. I feel terribleabout what happened.

26800:19:56,560 --> 00:20:00,394I've just been under a lot of stresslately down at the plant, you know?

26900:20:00,560 --> 00:20:04,348They're bringing in computersto improve productivity...


22/23

27000:20:04,520 --> 00:20:08,069And, well, that's noexcuse for how I acted.

27100:20:08,240 --> 00:20:12,631But the boy needs to see that real mensolve their disagreements with words...

27200:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,912Not violence.So if you'll accept my apology...

27300:20:16,080 --> 00:20:20,039Well, I hope we can put thisembarrassing incident behind us.

27400:20:21,360 --> 00:20:22,918I suppose.

27500:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,750Hey, chumps. I heard you wereon the ass end of an ass-Kicking.

27600:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,235I figured you could use a few of these.

27700:20:29,440 --> 00:20:33,149Why not? Might as well live it upas long as I got this catheter in me.

27800:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,476Won't you join us, Mr. Blob?

27900:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,830Sounds like a plan.

28000:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,151This is what makeslife worth clinging to.

28100:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,756Three fathers enjoying aday out with their sons.

28200:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,632It would seem we've taughtour boys a lesson about life.


23/23

28300:20:47,800 --> 00:20:52,396Man or blob, it's what'sinside that counts.

cfuturama [5x03] - the route of all evil - ciwan

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