Chapter 9

Build Trust As You Communicate

Listening Skills

• Intentions that promote good listening:

• To Understand Someone

• To Enjoy Someone

• To Learn Something

• To Give Help or Solace

Pseudolistening

This occurs when some other intention is being satisfied:

1.Pretending to listen to make people think you are interested in them so you will be liked.

2.Being vigilant for signs of potential rejection.

3.Listening for one thing and ignoring others.

4. Focusing on your rebuttal or the next thing you want to say.

5. Pretending to listen so someone will listen to you.6. Listening to uncover vulnerabilities to gain an

advantage.7. Looking for weak points in the speaker’s

reasoning so you can come out on top.

8. Checking only to see how the speaker is reacting to make sure you produce the desired effect.

9. Half-listening because that is what a nice person should do.

10. Pretending to listen to be polite.

Blocks to Effective Listening

• Judging – defining things as good or bad.• Mind Reading – your assumptions • Stereotyping – your widespread generalizations• Interrupting – Interrupts flow• Comparing – listening to make comparisons

• Advising – finding advice for the speaker• Rehearsing – reviewing what to say next• Stage-Hogging – listen to change focus back to

yourself• Filtering – listening to what you want to hear and

ignoring the rest• Dueling – arguing for the sake of arguing

• Derailing – distracting to never reach a conclusion

• Daydreaming – being caught up in your own fantasies

• Placating – overinvestment in being nice and ignoring your won feelings

• Hidden Agendas – an unacknowledged goal in the conversation

• Overreacting – becoming overemotional about a particular word or statement that offends one

Building Blocks of Effective Listening

• ACTIVE LISTENING– Paraphrasing – stating in your own words

what someone has just said• It sounds like you are saying…• As I understand you…• What I hear you saying is…• From your point of view…

• Clarifying – asking questions to help you understand the speaker’s message

I’m confused, could you explain that further?Let me be sure I understand you…Could you repeat that?What is that supposed to mean? Idiot!!

• Feedback – sharing your reactions to what you heard. It should be:

1. Immediate2. Honest3. Supportive

Ex. “ I get the feeling you are not telling everything here.” instead of, “You’re lying.” or “You’re holdin gout on me.”

Empathic Listening

• Listening not just to the words, but trying to understand what the other person is feeling and thinking. Getting inside the other person’s frame of reference.

• Paraphrasing the speaker’s feelings, attitudes and emotions.

• Empathic listening often communicates that you value the other person and their experience.– I sense you are feeling…– You feel…– You seem…

• Good listeners listen with their eyes as well as their ears, paying attention to non-verbal communication as well as verbal. When non-verbals do not match verbal meaning we get incongruent communication and double messages.

Paralanguage

• The way something is said, rather than what is said. (38% impact)– Tone and pitch of voice – Vocal inflections– Emphasis on certain words– Length and frequency of pauses

Rules for Effective Non-Verbal Communication

• Maintain good eye contact, but do not stare.

• Use your body language to communicate interest.

• Speak clearly and modulate your voice.

• Use touch appropriately for your culture.

• Respect the personal space of other people.

Non-verbal Behavior for Effective Listening

• Maintain good eye contact.

• Lean forward slightly.

• Nodding or saying, “Uh huh,” to indicate that you are listening.

• Keep your arms open.

Build Trust as You Communicate

Part II: Communicating Effectively with Others

Rapport Building

• Feeling comfortable with another person, feeling on the same wavelength emotionally or intellectually.

• One method is to develop rapport by mirroring nonverbal and verbal behavior of the other person.

• The better way is to use empathic communication.

Assertive Skills

• Standing up for your personal rights and expressing ideas, needs, feelings, and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways without violating the rights of other people.

• Passivity - violating your own rights by failing to express honest feelings, needs, thoughts, and beliefs, thus allowing others to potentially take advantage of you.

• Aggression – standing up for your personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings, needs, and beliefs in ways which can be dishonest, usually inappropriate and intimidating, and always violating the rights of others.

• Passive-aggression– An indirect form of aggressiveness in which we

get back at someone not by what we do, but what we don’t do.

• Ex. Not talking to people we are angry with, not showing up for appointments we have made.

• What are the negative consequences of failing to be assertive?

• What are the benefits of being assertive?

Why People Fail to Behave Assertively

• Fear of loss of approval• Failing to distinguish between assertiveness and

aggression.• Mistaking non-assertion for politeness or

consideration.• Mistaking passivity for being helpful with the idea

that doing something you really don’t want to do will help the other person.

• Behaving aggressively through fear of being controlled by others.

• A false belief that aggression is justified and the only way to get through to other people.

• Allowing aggression to build to the boiling point through not being assertive initially.

• Failure to accept your personal rights.

A Framework for Assertive Communication

• The behavior – When you do X

• The effect - Y happens and /or I feel Y

• The consequences – Z will occur (optional)

• Alternatives – Please replace X with A

• Empathic assertion – in step 1 recognize the person’s feelings and position

• The perception check

Non-Verbal Aspects

• Your non-verbal behavior must be congruent with the message you are trying to communicate.

• When it is not try and clarify the mixed message.

Asserting Yourself with Aggressive People

• Use empathic assertion.

• Keep your focus.

• Postpone discussion until cooler heads prevail.

• Try the broken record technique.

Persuasion

• Timing – speak after 1/3 to ½ of people have • Tact – use empathic assertion• Aspects of the communicator – knowledge of

subject and pace of presentation.• Aspects of the message – emotional appeals,

present both sides, repeat points.• Aspects of the audience – tailor message to

demographics and complexity of audience.

CHAPTERS 11,12,13, &14

Occupational EffectivenessKNOW THE WORKPLACE

DESIGN YOUR OWN CAREER

BE PEOPLE SMART

MAKE WORK FUN!

Career selection is MULTI-FACETED. Differing models focus on different aspects of the person and the job.

CAREER DEVELOPMENT

One model, HOLLAND's, is based on personality/trait theory. The 6 TRAIT clusters are called personal orientations and are compared to 6 work environments to determine a "goodness of fit."

•HOLLAND's

Personal Orientations: •REALISTIC•Investigative•ARTISTIC •SOCIAL•ENTERPRISING•CONVENTIONAL

INSTRUMENT:The Self-Directed Search

(SDS)

Hutchens, 2000Hutchens, 2000Hutchens, 2000Hutchens, 2000 Wadsworth, Thomson LearningWadsworth, Thomson Learning

• Realistic – mechanical abilities, making things, Pilot, electrician, engineer, construction worker.

• Investigative – abstract thinking, new knowledge, testing hypotheses, research scientist, physicist, chemist, medical researcher, college professor.

• Conventional – working in structured situations, self-disciplined, orderly, routine tasks, clerical worker, accountant, bank teller, data entry worker.

• Enterprising – persuasive, like to influence others, risk takers, enjoy business. Sales managers, real estate brokers, business owners.

• Social – work with people, especially helping relationships. Social worker, counselor, teacher, health care worker, clinical psychologist.

• Artistic – creative, imaginative, emotional, unconventional perspectives. Painting, sculpting, music, writing, and dance.

WHAT TO REMEMBER AND CONSIDER WHEN TAKING CAREER TESTS

• You should take several tests, rather than just one. Why? – There is no one best test everyone recommends.

– There is no one test that always gives better results than the others.

– No test should necessarily be assumed to be accurate.

• Don’t let tests make you forget that you are a unique human being.

• Let your intuition be you guide.

• You are not finished with a test until you have done some serious self exploration and introspection about:– Your goals

– The goals of your goals

– Your passions - likes and dislikes

– Your strengths and weaknesses

– Your level of motivation

Leadership

• Influencing people to think and/or act in a certain way. Implies there is a goal and a desired outcome.

• What is the difference between leaders and managers?

Leadership Style

• A function of how a leader perceives workers.• Theory X – dislike work, need close supervision,

lazy, irresponsible• Theory Y – internally motivated to be productive,

willing to learn and accept responsibility• Also, the autocratic, democratic, and laissez faire

style

EFFECTIVE LEADERS• 1. Develop an appropriate level of self confidence ( not too

high or low) and convey this both verbally and non- verbally

• 2. Practice strong ethics

• 3. Develop partnerships in order to share power and authority

• 4. Decentralize decision making

• 5. Build mutual trust and respect

• 6. Use team building, problem solving and process analysis

• 7. View all tasks as cooperative undertakings

• 8. Set high but realistic expectations

EFFECTIVE LEADERS ( cont.)

• 9. Communicate these expectations clearly• 10. Avoid finger pointing• 11. Help group members reach goals and achieve satisfaction• 12. Believe everyone has good ideas• 13. Give frequent constructive feedback about performance• 14. Manage a crisis effectively• 15. Ask the right questions• 16. Chase fear out of the workplace• 17. Cooperate with organized labor• 18. Recognize long term commitments

THE “PERFORMANCE REVIEW”

PROCESS• 1. Your organization sets standards for your job.• 2. You and your supervisor set measurable goals for

you.• 3. Your performance is evaluated, usually with an

evaluation form.• 4. Your performance is compared to the pre- established

goals. You may need to complete a self-appraisal.• 5. You and your supervisor discuss the formal appraisal.• 6. Your performance is rewarded or corrective action is

taken in case of a poor performance review.

THE ADVANTAGES OF HAVING

POLICIES AND PROCEDURES IN THE WORKPLACE

• Clear understanding of expectations and responsibilities.

• Understanding the consequences of behaviors that violate policy.

• Predictability in the working environment.

• Security of knowing how to succeed.

• Fairness and equity in rules that apply to all employees.

HOW TO DEAL WITH WORKPLACE STRESS

TIPS FOR PACING YOURSELF

• If possible, schedule work tasks and hours to correspond to your natural body rhythms.

• Shift between pleasant and unpleasant tasks.• Allow some time daily for more pleasurable work tasks.• Take some time to relax over your lunch break and recharge your batteries.• Take five minute mini-breaks throughout the day to de-stress yourself.• Choose leisure time activities that balance the unique stresses in your line of

work.• Carefully consider the length and type of vacation you take to balance work

stress.• If possible, take a short break during your workday to practice active

relaxation, stretch or exercise.

WHAT TO INCLUDE ON YOUR RESUME

• Who You Are• Job Objective or Goal• Educational History• Job Experience and Achievement-

– In reverse chronological order

• References– Note- use action verbs such as “managed, created, developed,

organized.” when describing your job responsibilities.

• Your health status, age and marital situation are NOT necessary!

• Try and keep the resume to one page!!

INTERVIEW PREPARATION

GATHER INFO ABOUT THE ORGANIZATION, OR COMPANY AND THE JOB. WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW AND TRY TO FIND

OUT...THE INTERVIEW IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR IN BEING HIRED• What is the nature and purpose of the organization?

• Who are the leaders in the company?

• How small or large is the company? Amount of sales? Number of clients or customers?

• Any branch locations? Where?

• What is the organizational pattern?

• Who are the major competitors for their products or services?

• What is the organization’s reputation? What information, if any, about this company has been in the news?

• What are the requirements of the position you are seeking?

• What are the job responsibilities?

• Why is this position currently available?

WHAT TO DO DURING A JOB INTERVIEW

• Introduce yourself.

• Wait to be invited to be seated.

• Listen, respond and ask your questions during the interview exchange.

• Note any follow-up requests (i.e. supply references or transcripts).

• Sense when the interview is coming to a close.

• Clarify with the interviewer the next steps in the process.

• Summarize and express your enthusiasm and interest for the job, your qualifications for such, and your enjoyment of the interview.

• Thank the interviewer while leaving.

• Follow-up by sending a Thank You letter.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN THE WORKPLACE

In order to be “people smart” you need to. . .

1.Understanding people – listening actively, empathically

2.Expressing yourself clearly – getting message across, attention to verbal and non-verbal responses of listeners

3.Asserting your needs- being your own person, having limits, being straightforward

• 4. Exchanging feedback – giving feedback without being offensive

• 5. Influencing others – motivating others, making persuasive appeals

• 6. Resolving conflict – finding solutions to problematic situations

• 7. Being a team player – working with others, building a consensus

• 8. Shifting gears – understanding differences, able to change one’s behavior to adapt

Understanding your needs

• David McClelland – Affiliation– Achievement– Power

• Abraham Maslow – Hierarchy of Needs

• Where do you spend your time? This indicates your motivations and what needs you are trying to meet.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

• D-Needs, Deficiency

needs

Physiological Needs (Food & Water)

Belongingness and Love

Safety & Security Needs

Cognitive Needs

Esteem Needs

Aesthetic Needs

Need for Self Actualization

B-needs, needs of being

CHARACTERISTICS OF SELF-ACTUALIZED

PEOPLE• Practical and realistic in problem solving• Accepting of themselves and others• Genuine, natural and spontaneous• Having a need for privacy• Independent and self-reliant• Having “peak experiences”- moments of exhilaration and ecstasy• Identifying with and respecting all humankind• Following strongly held values and ethics• Maintaining deep, close relationships with a small amount of people• Demonstrating a broad, non hostile sense of humor• Innovative and creative • Individualistic and resisting conformity• Appreciating the natural and social environment

INTRINSIC VS. EXTRINSICMOTIVATION MOTIVATION

• Comes from within the person

• Incites passion

• Makes you feel good

• Rewards you while you work

• Comes from external world

• Helps set goals

• Heightens your expectations

• Rewards you outside of work, afterwards

Triggers

• Stimuli that “set you off” either in a negative or positive way. List your behavioral response and their triggers: (Note – most people lose jobs because they can’t get along with other people effectively.)

• Anger• Sadness• Anxiety• Power• Joy• Love• Exhilaration

POTENTIAL PROBLEMS IN THE WORKPLACE

• SUBSTANCE ABUSE

• LACK OF ADVANCEMENT

• BUNRNOUT

• DIFFUCULT CO-WORKERS

• SEXUAL HARASSMENT

• DISCRIMINATION

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM

SEXUAL HARASSMENT• 1.) Know you organizations policy on sexual harassment.

• 2.) Let the offending individual know that you are irritated by his or her behavior - Be assertive.

• 3.) Document events.

• 4.) If the offensive behavior is repeated, complain to someone in authority.

• 5.) Keep records of your work.

• 6.) Seek legal assistance if you are dissatisfied with your organizations response to your complaint.

• 7.) Keep your spirits high.

Employment Issues, con’t’d.Sexual harassment - subjecting employees to

UNWANTED sexually-oriented behavior• Two types:

• Quid pro quo vs. “Hostile environment”• Prevalence

– Empirical data ranges: • Women

– up to 77% in survey “clergywomen” (p.354)– ~ 42% over 18 studies, nationally (US) preceding 1990

(Gruber, 1990)• Men ~ 15 %

• Consequences– PTSD symptoms for many women

MOST VALUED EMPLOYEEQUALITIES

• Dependable

• Positive, motivated attitude

• Honest

• Good communication skills

• Good listener

• Creative problem solver

• Sound decision maker

• Team player

• Willing to learn new skills

• Open to suggestions and feedback

• Hardworking• Accurate and responsible• Ability to follow through• Confident• Neat and attractive appearance• Respectful and considerate

( good manners )• High energy• Able to cope with stress