DMattersCharacter : eference

Limiting my freedom so I do not offend the tastes of others

It Matters at Home Put others first Honor preferences Put others at ease Yield the right to be right Imagine yourself in another’s shoes Resolve conflicts cordially

A dinner meeting with potential business clients. Athree-year-old child. Why don’t the two usually go together?

The answer hinges on deference. Small childrenusually say what they think, demand what they want, andhave little understanding of the effects of their behavior onothers. “Looking out for number one” is a concept no childhas to be taught.

Conversely, deference is a mark of maturity that isexpected of adult members of society. But too often intoday’s world, young people grow into their teens and evenbeyond without developing this basic social building block.How can we ensure that our children learn to see beyondthemselves and begin to put the feelings of others before theirown?

The solution lies back with that three-year-old child.Oftentimes parents are guilty of seeing negative behaviors insmall children as “cute,” without realizing the consequencesof not correcting and training those behaviors before they getout of control. Like young, tender plants, children will grow

as they are trained. What is cute at three isseldom cute atthirteen or twenty-three!

While we shouldnot overreact andbecome frustratedthat our toddlers donot yet act withperfect decorumand maturity, weshould train themtoward that end.When they say or

do something that is socially offensive foran adult, explain that to them. Remindthem consistently to use good manners.Be an example of deference in the wayyou interact with others. And talk aboutthe reason why we have manners in thefirst place: to “do to others as you wouldhave them do to you.”

Deference matters - because your three-year-old will be attending those dinnermeetings sooner than you think!

It Matters at Work

alance with

JusticeForgivenessDeterminationSincerityTruthfulness

Justice is “taking personalresponsibility to uphold whatis pure, right, and true.”Deference yields to the tastesand preferences of others, butnever compromises justice byyielding to another when itwould be wrong to do so.

Forgiveness is “clearing therecord of those who havewronged me and not holding agrudge.” Deference seeks toshield others fromembarrassment, but never triesto cover up or ignore

wrongdoing in another.Instead, it uses forgiveness torestore relationships withoffenders.

Determination is “purposingto accomplish the right goals,at the right time, regardless ofthe opposition.” Deferencehonors others by giving themthe opportunity to makedecisions, but it is determinednot to allow the focus onimportant goals to be lost.

Sincerity is “eagerness to dowhat is right with transparentmotives.” Deference limits itsown freedom of expression inorder not to offend others, butit does not try to “be someoneelse” just to gain others’approval. It remains sincere.

Truthfulness is “earningfuture trust by accuratelyreporting past facts.”Deference seeks to resolveconflicts with grace, but itnever sacrifices truth in orderto do so.

“She always wants to blare the country station,and I hate country!” “Did you hear that so-and-so isgetting a divorce?” “No, we should have the Christmasparty at this restaurant, not that one!” “But I thoughtyou’d like me to forward that joke to you!”

Why is daily interaction with other adults so oftena chore, rather than a delight? Why does the dream of apositive, “team” atmosphere at times seem impossible toachieve? Could it be a lack of deference?

Simply put, deference is the Golden Rule: do toothers as you would have them do to you. All of usbelieve in it in theory. We want everyone else to practiceit. But the responsibility lies with us. A workplace willonly be as pleasant as you make it. And often, that meansmaking the choice to turn the conversation away fromnegative comments or gossip, agreeing to disagree, notforwarding that email, or figuring out a way tocompromise.

Another dimension is added when your companydeals with customers. We’ve all met the store clerk or“customer service” representative who complains to hiscoworkers about how long it is till he gets off - all whileyou are standing there waiting to be helped. Conversely,

how pleasant it is to meet the one who smiles, focuses onyou, and seems genuinely concerned that you receive allthe help you need while you are there. We can mirroreither of these attitudes in our responses to those who, in asense, “give us” our jobs - regardless of whether we are astore clerk or a top-level manager.

Deference matters - because coworkers andcustomers are people, too!

udenessR #@?/&%!

I was in this seat first,and, besides, I’mexhausted.

This is my music. Ifthey don’t like it - toobad.

He just needs to learnto be less sensitive.

I’m not going tochange my plans justto please her!