Children are the impressions of their parent’s behaviour. If a child behaves badly his parents should be considered responsible and should be punished. How far you agree with this.

A Parent's Job As A Role Model

Written by Anthony Kane, MD

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For a child, the most important people in the world are his parents. Your behavior as a

parent leaves permanent impression in the child's subcuscious mind.

A certain educator was once asked at what point should a parent begin to prepare for child raising.

"How old are you?" the educator inquired.

"Twenty-three."

"You should begin twenty-three years ago."

What is the message? The single most important thing a parent can do to educate a child is to provide the child with a good role model. A parent has to work a whole lifetime becoming the type of person that he wants his child to become.

The most important people in the world in the child's eyes are his parents. They are his first and most important teachers. The behavior of a child's parents leaves a permanent impression in the child's subconscious mind.

Why is this so? The reason is that the most reliable source of priorities and values in a child's eyes is his parents. Children have an innate trust in their parents. They feel that everything their parents say and do is the true and proper way to behave.

We all wish our children would do what we say and not what we do. However, this is not how the mind of a child works. The intellect of a child is undeveloped. As a result, children function on an emotional level, absorbing more from what they see and hear around them than from what they are taught.

Parents Have a Huge Influence on Child

What is the take home message? The main thing for you to realize is that you have far more influence on your child than you probably realize. Your child is going to pattern himself after you. That is how nature set it up. Your job as a parent is to be the best role model that you can be. True, it is hard, but that is the way it is.

The following is a story I heard recently that brings out the extent to which your child learns from your actions.

A certain kindergarten teacher once warned a group of parents to be careful how they behave in front of their children. "By the way your children play in school," she said. "I know which of you treat each other respectfully. I know which of you use foul language at home. I know everything about how you behave in your home by the way your child plays, talks, and behaves."

Remember, you might think that everything that goes on in your home behind closed doors is hidden from the world, but it is not. Your child sees everything. Your child is going to take your behavior and broadcast it to the world. Make sure that what he is transmitting is something that you want the world to see.

ABOUT LASTING IMPRESSIONS IN CHILD DEVELOPMENT

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Nov 18, 2010 | By Corey Leidenfrost

Corey Leidenfrost has been writing and working as a mental health therapist since 2001. His published works include college

newsletters, articles for the "Batavia Daily News" and creative writing anthologies. He holds a Master of Arts in psychology from State University of New York-Brockport and is pursuing a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Walden University.

Photo Credit Jupiterimages/Comstock/Getty Images

When experts talk about lasting impressions in child development they divide it into different domains, including cognitive, physical and social development. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention indicate that the first several years of life influence

how a child develops throughout the rest of his life. Many different factors may affect child development in both positive and negative ways.

Trauma and Abuse

A child and even infant who becomes a victim of abuse, neglect or maltreatment or is exposed to emotional trauma, such as domestic violence, may be affected in profound ways. These experiences can have negative effects on the way the brain develops, according to the Child Welfare Information Gateway. These problems may emerge as emotional or behavioral problems or as problems with learning. As a result of abuse exposure, children may develop problems with attachment, the Child Welfare Information Gateway warns. These children find forming trusting and loving relationships with others, including parents and caregivers, very difficult. Without intervention, these problems may persist throughout a lifetime.

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Parenting Style

Researchers have identified four types of parenting styles; authoritarian, permissive, neglectful and authoritative. Kidsgrowth.com writes that these parenting styles are associated with positive and negative outcomes for children. Years of research find that an authoritative style works best for children. In this style parents provide structure and clear expectations for behavior, encourage making choices and decisions, and actively communicate with their children. Children raised by an authoritative parent tend to become healthy, confident and independent people. The other styles generally result in negative lasting impressions on children. For example, permissive parents provide little structure and allow their children do what they want. Consequently, these children tend to develop little self-control and become angry easily.

Psychological Problems

Children may develop a variety of psychological problems, sometimes due to genetic factors or due to exposure to trauma and abuse. Typical childhood disorders, according to the Child Development Institute, include attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, anxiety, depression, oppositional defiant disorder, bedwetting and autism. Untreated psychological problems may affect all aspects of childhood development, as they generally disrupt normal day-to-day functioning. For example, the Child Development Institute writes that ADHD affects about 3 to 5 percent of children. This disorder involves problems with hyperactivity and the inability to sustain attention. As a result, children with ADHD may have frequent behavior problems, difficulties making friends and may do poorly in school.

Media

Children spend extensive periods of time exposed to different forms of media, such as television, the Internet, video games, advertising and movies. The Center on Media and Child Health states that media may leave negative lasting impressions on children. For

example, there are links between media exposure and increased rates of smoking, risky sexual behaviors, eating disorders, obesity, low self-esteem, anxiety and problems with aggression. Media exposure doesn't cause only negative outcomes, though. Positive outcomes, according to the Center on Media and Child Health, include high self-esteem, higher rates of volunteerism, and better cognitive and school performance. The difference between positive and negative outcomes is influenced by the type of content the child is exposed to and the influence of parental monitoring.

Problems and Early Intervention

Negative influences on child development can often be remediated through some sort of treatment or intervention. The CDC indicates that early intervention remains an important part of preventing long-term problems associated with any of the domains of childhood development. Early intervention is particularly important when a child has a learning disorder or if he was exposed to violence or abuse. Regarding parenting style, parents can learn more effective means of

parenting, thereby improving developmental outcomes for their children.

If children behave badly, should their parents accept responsibility and also be punished?

Who is at fault for the behavior of a certain individual? Is the parent to be punished for the crime or "wrong doing" of their child? Parents should have control of their own children and are held liable for anything the child does. They are the legal guardians, it is not the child who teaches himself/herself to be that way, it is the parent. They choose how to raise their children, if the child is troubled, that falls on the parent. Maybe because they are either never there or they just let them do anything. The other side of the story is the children. Some are taught the right way but tend to do things the way they want to and not how they are taught to act. Some children also act differently, their behavior in front of their parents is a way different behavior they

show in front of other grown ups. I am for and against this saying and I would briefly state my ideas in the paragraphs below.

Parents play a big role in a child’s life. A parent is like a role model for the child, whatever the parent does, is what a child would do. How a parent raise their child is how the child would behave. What the parents sow is what they will reap also. If they raise an undisciplined, disrespectful child, a undisciplined and disrespectful child they would get. There are certain parents who discipline their children how they are suppose to, but there are parents who do the opposite. There are also parents who do not do anything but just sit there and let their child do whatever. Then when their child gets into trouble, they blame it on the child which causes peer pressure and leads to many bad things beyond. A child’s mentality is way different from adults. Along the way the child makes mistakes and these mistakes help them learn a lesson from it and prepare them

for what the future holds. One of the biggest mistakes.

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10 Ways To Guide Children – Without Punishment

"The reason a child will act unkindly or cause damage is always innocent. Sometimes she is playful and free spirited, and other times, when aggressive or angry she is unhappy or confused. The more disturbing the behaviour, the more the child is in pain and in need of your love and understanding. In other words, there is no such thing as bad behaviour in children. Instead there is a child who is doing the best she can and we don’t understand her.” – Naomi Aldort

Parents are often shocked when they hear that I don’t believe in most of what we think of as discipline (spankings, consequences, timeouts) because it keeps kids from becoming responsible, self-disciplined people. “How will my child learn how to behave?” they ask.

My answer is that children learn what they live. The most effective way to teach kids is to treat them the way we want them to treat others: with compassion and understanding. When we spank, punish, or yell, kids learn to act aggressively.

Even timeouts – symbolic abandonment -- give children the message that they’re alone with their big scary feelings just when they need us most, rather than being an opportunity to learn how to manage their emotions. (But I'm a big fan of Time-Ins, during which we remove our child from the situation and sit with him to process the feelings that were causing him to act out.)

That doesn’t mean we renege on our responsibility to guide our children by setting limits. No running into the street, no hitting the baby, no peeing on the carpet, no picking the neighbor’s tulips, no hurting the dog. But these are limits, not punishment.

Are you wondering how your child will learn not to do these things next time, if you don’t “discipline” him when he does them? Then you’re assuming that we need to punish children to "teach a lesson."

Actually, research shows that punishing kids creates more misbehavior. Being punished makes kids angry and defensive. It launches adrenalin and the other fight, flight or freeze hormones, and turns off the reasoning, cooperative impulses. Kids quickly forget the “bad” behavior that led to their being punished, even while they’re processing the emotional aftermath of the punishment for weeks or months. If they learn anything, it’s to lie and avoid getting caught. Punishment disconnects us from our kids so we have less influence with them. It even lowers IQ, since kids who don't feel completely safe and secure aren't free to learn. Quite simply, punishment is never an effective means of raising a responsible, considerate, happy child. It teaches all the wrong lessons.

If, instead, we can stay kind and connected while we set limits, our children will internalize what they’ve lived. They don't resist our guidance, so they feel connected, and they see their impact on others, so they’re considerate and responsible. Because they’ve had parents who modeled emotional self-regulation, they’ve learned to manage their own emotions, and therefore their own

behavior. Because they’re been accepted for all of who they are, they’re in touch with their own passions and motivated to explore them.

So what can we do to guide children without discipline?

1. Regulate your own emotions. That’s how children learn to manage theirs. You’re the role model. Don’t act when you’re upset. If you can't get in touch with your love for your child, act as if you can. What would a really fantastic parent do right now? Do that. If you can’t, then take a deep breath and wait until you’re calm before you address the situation. Resist the impulse to be punitive. It always backfires.

2. Honor feelings. When your child is hijacked by adrenaline and other fight or flight hormones, he can't learn. Instead of lecturing, do a "Time-In" where you stay with your child and let him have his meltdown in your attentive presence. Your goal is to provide a calm "holding environment" for your child's upset. Expressing emotions with a safe, attentive, accepting adult is what helps kids discharge and learn to self-soothe so they can regulate their own emotions eventually. Don't

try to reason with him during the emotional storm. Afterwards, he'll feel so much better, and so much closer to you, that he'll be open to your guidance about why we don't say "Shut Up" (Because it hurts feelings) or lie (Because it cuts the invisible cords that connect our hearts to each other.)

3. Remember how children learn. Consider the example of teeth brushing. Start when she’s a baby, model brushing your own teeth, make it fun for her, gradually give her more of the responsibility, and eventually she’ll be doing it herself. The same principle holds for learning to say Thank You, taking turns, remembering her belongings, feeding her pet, doing homework, and most everything else you can think of. Routines are invaluable partly because they provide the“scaffolding” for your child to learn basic skills, just as scaffolding provides structure for a building to take shape. You might be mad she forgot her jacket again, but yelling won't help her remember. "Scaffolding" will.

4. Connect before you correct, and stay connected, even while you guide, to awaken your child’s desire to be his best self.

Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us.

Stoop down to her level and look her in the eye: "You are mad...Tell me in words... no biting!"

Pick her up: "You wish you could play longer... it's time for bed."

Make loving eye contact: "You are so upset right now."

Put your hand on her shoulder: "You're scared to tell me about the cookie."

5. Set limits -- but set them with empathy. Of course you need to insist on some rules. But you can also acknowledge her perspective. When kids feel understood, they're more able to accept our limits.

"You’re very very mad and hurt, but we don’t bite. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."

"It's bedtime now. I know you wish you could play longer."

"You don't want Mommy to say No, I hear you....And the answer is No. We don't say 'Shut Up' to each other, even when we're sad and mad."

"You are scared, but no matter how scared you are, I need you to tell me the truth."

6. Remember that all “misbehavior” is an expression, however misguided, of a legitimate need.

He has a reason, even if you don't think it's a good one. His behavior is terrible? He must feel terrible inside. Does he need more sleep, more time with you, more downtime, more chance to cry and release those upsetting emotions we all store up? Address the underlying need and you eliminate the misbehavior.

7. Say YES. Kids will do almost anything we request if we make the request with a loving heart. Find a way to say YES instead of NO even while you set your limit. "YES, it's time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up and YES you can growl about it and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story and YES we can make this

fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!" Your child will respond with the generosity of spirit that matches yours.

8. Stay connected with special time, every day. Turn off the phone, close the computer, and tell your child "Ok, I'm all yours for the next 20 minutes. What should we do?" Follow her lead. The world is full of humiliation for kids, so for this 20 minutes just be an incompetent bumbler and let her win. Giggling releases pent-up fears and anxiety, so make sure to play, giggle, be silly. Have a pillow fight. Wrestle. Snuggle. Let her tell you what's on her mind, let her rant or cry. Just accept all those feelings. Be 100% present. Kids who know they can count on daily special time with their parent flourish because they trust enough to express their full range of emotion, and they WANT to behave.

9. Forgive yourself. You can’t be an inspired parent if you’re feeling bad about yourself, any more than your child can act “right” if she feels bad about herself. You can always repair the relationship. Start today.

10. When all else fails, give yourself a big hug. Then give your child a big hug. Connection trumps everything else in parenting.

Don't believe it? Try it this week and see what kind of miracle you can make