conversation hacking module 1 slides - ch-modules-au1.s3...

Conversation Hacking!Module 1 Slides

Introduction to Conversation Hacking!

Why Learn This?• Conversation and social skills are possibly the most important thing

you can learn. Highest leverage skill.!

• Professional life: It’s often not what you know or how hard you work… but how big your network is and how confident you are. (People tend to follow confident people.) Better than education.!

• Social life: Biggest determinant of happiness is quality of close relationships. You don’t have to go to parties all the time, but finding and relating to similar people will make you feel more fulfilled and happy.!

• Dating life: Being able to meet new people opens up dating opportunities. If you can’t talk to someone, you can’t form a relationship. Confidence is very attractive, especially to women.

Why Learn This?!My Personal Story

• First year of university. Very depressed, isolated, bored of life. Hated the program I was taking.!

• Improving my social confidence gave me the confidence to go after the life I really wanted.!

• First dropped out of university and went to art school for a year. (A decision my parents weren’t happy with but I had the confidence to stand on my own.)

• Then spent 6 months travelling through Southeast Asia. Met many many interesting people from all different countries in the hostels and guesthouses I stayed at. Was able to broaden my perspective and experience independence and freedom.

• Was staying for a couple weeks in a hostel on a tropical island called Perhentian in Malaysia…

• Hostels are big rooms with about 4-12 bunk beds in them. The guy staying in the bed beside me was a local Malaysian who worked on the beach and had a boat.

• Turns out his “fishing” involved putting on a snorkel, diving down into the water, and using a spear gun to shoot the fish in the water. My mind was blown.

• Then later we parked the boat on a beautiful little island in the middle of the ocean and grilled the fish over a campfire on the beach.

Why Learn This?• Once you go through this program, you will look

forward to talking to people instead of being nervous about it.!

• You’ll feel confident in most social situations and won’t feel anxious or nervous as much.!

• You’ll have more power to get what you want out of life. Better conversation skills means you can get friends who respect you, a girl/boyfriend, and even the job you want.

A Quick Overview Of!My 4-Part Model For

Improving Your Communication

• Week 1: What To Say!

• Week 2: Status (Voice and other nonverbal behaviour, hardwired into humans.)!

• Week 3: Mindsets (The lens through which you see the world. The world is a reflection of your inner reality.)!

• Week 4: Expressing Your True Self (Confidence is being to express yourself the same way no matter the situation.)

The ONLY Reason “Words” Are Important

• Many shy and quiet people are obsessed with “what to say.” They don’t realize that there are NO STRICT RULES when it comes to social interaction. !

• Everyone is just making it up as they go along and people tend to follow the confident people who SEEM to know what they are doing.!

• However, trying to meet new people, carry conversations, connect, be funny and make a friend can feel next to impossible if you don’t have any EXAMPLES or MODELS that you can copy in the beginning. !

• It’s like telling you to go drive somewhere without a map.!

• Having an example of what to say and tips for what NOT to say will give you the confidence that you’re not doing anything wrong.

Relative Importance Of Data• Most books and courses out there focus on superficial tips.

“Smile and be interested in other people. Agree with them to get them to like you.”!

• Although it’s not BAD advice… it’s only going to make a 2% difference in your social skills.!

• What’s more important when learning driving: adjusting the car seat or stopping at a red light?!

• I’m going to focus on the points that will totally transform your personality. Erase your insecurities and fears. 100-200% improvement or more. Requires diving deep into how social interactions really work and your psychology.

Different Types Of Conversations

Different Types Of Conversations

1. Light ‘Vibing' !

2. Facts, Ideas and Opinions!

3. Emotional Connection

Stranger

Friend

Acquaintance

Light ‘Vibing’• Commonly called “small talk.” Not about interesting content,

mostly about creating a positive social rhythm.!

• When two people first meet, they have a fairly light chat about empty topics. Allows them to get a sense of what the other person is like. !

• Time to decide if they want to go deeper and share themselves or get to know this person more. (Immediately launching into a deep discussion with a stranger is weird.)!

• Probably your weakest area. Many introverts are very logical. Not connected to the emotional feeling side of communication.

Facts, Ideas and Opinions• More logical exchange. Deeper than ‘vibing’ but if

you stay here you still don’t really know the person.!

• Common in coworker/professional relationships that have boundaries. !

• People are always discussing events, facts, ideas, opinions with each other.!

• Many introverts are strong in this area.

Emotional Connection• Commonly called ‘rapport.’ Feeling like you understand each

other.!

• Everybody wants to feel understood. Yet when most people talk, they don’t really listen to the other person. They’re just waiting for their own turn to speak.!

• Shyness and social anxiety often make connection difficult because of a fear of self disclosure. You’re not comfortable with yourself, so you don’t share yourself with people.!

• Deeper connections are appropriate and useful for dates, deepening friendships, etc. Doesn’t happen much in group conversations.

Emotional Connection• Most “conversation skills” books focus on listening to the other

person and being interested to make that other person like you. !

• But they miss an important part of the equation: For the other person to value and welcome a connection with you, they first have to VALUE YOU. !

• In other words, you first have to come across as having equal or higher social STATUS for someone to appreciate you being interested in them. If you’re shy and insecure, then simply being interested won’t usually make someone like you unless they are also shy or low status.!

• Example: Men without confidence approaching women.

Each Conversation Has Elements Of All 3

• No conversation is strictly one type. It’s almost always a combination of 2 or 3.!

• You might meet up with a friend, joke around for a few minutes (vibing) and then talk about a mutual interest for a bit (facts) and your friend might later share an issue in his life (connection).!

• If you’re not good at Vibing, then meeting new people and having group conversations will be difficult.!

• If you aren’t good at connection, then you may meet people that you enjoy talking to, but you still feel lonely and won’t have many friends.!

• Find your weak points and work on them.

Statements, Questions and Going Deeper

“I Run Out Of Things To Say!”

• You have decades of life experience that you could talk about. Not really possible to run out of things to say. !

• Reason why you run out of things to say:!

• Filtering what you say because you want to impress her. (inferiority) Don’t run out of things to say around close friends.!

• When feeling nervous, your body and mind enter a “fight or flight” mode, which shuts down the higher level functioning of your brain. This is my theory why a lot of people who feel nervous in social situations “can’t think of what to say.!

• Trying to come up with things to say out of thin air instead of asking the right questions, listening and using the answers she gives you to continue the conversation.

Open-Ended Questions• Open-ended questions are much better than close-ended

questions.!

• “Did you like Paris?” (Closed) vs.“What did you like about Paris?” (Open)!

• Close-ended questions can be answered with a one-word response like yes or no. Too many close-ended questions can start to feel like an interview. !

• Open ended questions demand a longer more in-depth reply. Open ended questions make it much easier for her to contribute more.

Statements• Statements are usually even better than questions. Take whatever

question you have and turn it into a statement or observation.!

• “What did you like about Paris?” (open question)Vs. “You sound like you really enjoyed Paris.” (statement)Her: “Yeah I did, it was blah blah blah.”!

• Most normal people will contribute to the conversation even if you say it as a statement. If she’s more shy, then you could add the question later.!

• “You sound like you really enjoyed Paris.”Her: “Yeah, I did.”“What did you like about it?”

Good Conversation Topics• F.O.R.D. - family, occupation, recreation, dreams!

• What most people talk about: Past experiences, past relationships, future plans/events, hobbies, movies, shows, sports, school/work!

• Not having things to say is usually a symptom of you setting too high a bar for how interesting what you say has to be. (Filtering) On the other hand, if you have an extremely boring life, then trying new things is a good idea. Catch up on the news online, find new hobbies, etc.!

• Good default questions: “What do you do for fun?” “What do you like?”!

• If you like travel, ask them about travel. If you like reading, ask them what their favourite books are. If you like music, ask them about that. Have something in common on the surface is an easy way to launch the conversation. People can talk for hours about a topic they are deeply interested in.

Surface To Emotional Topics• Many people try to form commonalities based on

surface topics. (Ex: “We both like the same type of music/books/tv shows.”)!

• Just because you know someone’s hobbies/interests/background info doesn’t mean you really understand them as a person. Use surface topics only as a bridge to get to deeper emotional topics. !

• Get off small talk and dig into deeper values, preferences, feelings and motivations about things.

Couple Examples• “What do you do?” “Dentist” -> deeper -> “What do you

like about it?” -> “I like to work with people.” -> “You could never do a job that makes you work by yourself?” -> “No, I’d get so bored with nobody to talk to.”!

• “What do you do for fun?” “Watch star trek” -> deeper -> “Why do you like star trek?” -> “It’s cool” -> “There must be some specific reason you like it more than other tv shows.” -> “Well, they talk about real issues and questions about life, instead of gossiping about celebrities or simply shooting people like most action movies.”

Having Firm Opinions!To Form Connection

Mistake: Being !Emotionally Guarded

• An obstacle many shy quiet people have when it comes to forming connections with people is being afraid to express firm opinions.!

• Common example: “Yeah, x is nice.” (Not actually saying anything.)!

• Being too pleasant and nice all the time creates an impression of falseness. It’s unbalanced and not real.

Mistake: Being !Emotionally Guarded

• Guarding your true emotions and opinions and pretending that everything is “okay” and “nice” is a strategy unconfident people use to avoid being judged.!

• If you’ve ever felt like your conversations are boring, it’s probably because of this. You are afraid to commit to an opinion.

Using Emotional Words• Instead of saying neutral expressions like: “I went here” say

things like “I love going here.”!

• This allows people a window into your preferences. Key to forming a connection. Even if they don’t agree with you, they will connect to your passion and how you feel.!

• Why are you afraid to state a firm position or belief about something? You may be afraid that someone will disagree and not like you.!

• But confident people view the counter opinion (if it happens) as just more conversation, not judgement.

Using Emotional Words• You have certain values/beliefs/opinions. Don’t

change your view or opinion to suit other people.!

• Having firm opinions allows people to feel like they know you. They will remember you.!

• Jerry Agar - Guy on radio show. Very conservative with very right wing philosophy. Only guy I remember. Lots of other more ‘reasonable’ radio hosts I forget.

Light Vibing

From Serious/Logical To Light/Fun

• Many shy and introverted people are very logical deep thinkers.!

• It’s not uncommon for them to have a job as an engineer, computer programmer, etc. This means they are used to thinking logically.


• The brain is funny in that the more you do something, the better you get at it. If you spend ten hours a day playing tennis, you will get better.!

• Not only will you get better at it, but your brain will actually physically change to adapt to your actions. It will create more neural connections in the parts of your brain needed to play tennis, which makes you into a tennis-playing genius.!

• You can think of it like building muscle. The more you use a certain muscle group, the bigger it gets, which allows you to lift more in the future.


• Your brain also shrinks the parts of your brain that you don’t use as much. It’s the same as if you have built up a lot of muscle, then you stop working out, and your muscles start to shrink because you aren’t using them anymore. !

• Your brain will physically shrink and even remove the neural connections you do not use very often. In psychology this is called synaptic pruning.!

• This is the dark side to being very logical all day. If you are logical, then you aren’t able to use different parts of your brain, and that makes them shrink.


• Logic is the opposite of emotion. When you are in a very logical state of mind all the time, you’ll find it difficult to do things that require the use of the emotional part of your brain.!

• The logical part of your brain is what you use when you are solving some mental problem, being serious and concentrated, and trying to reach some goal. !

• You are using the logical part when you are in a business meeting or a job interview and you are talking to people in order to accomplish something or convey some information.


• On the other hand, the emotional part is what you use when you are having fun, being spontaneous, and talking freely. !

• Whenever you are talking to someone just for the sake of talking and sharing good emotions between you two you are using the emotional part. !

• Whenever you find yourself having a conversation that doesn’t make much sense logically, but you are talking just to share a good atmosphere between you and someone else, you are using the emotional part.!

• So to be good at the “Light Vibing” part of conversation, you have to become good at accessing the emotional part of your brain.

Vibing In The Long Term• In the long-term, by being logical and not emotional for

hours a day, you start to weaken your social muscles. It becomes more and more difficult to use the emotional part of your brain when you need it. You’ll see people having fun and you won’t be able to relate to it.!

• So, in the long-term, you have to make sure you use the emotional, fun-loving part of your brain on a consistent basis. Every day, joke around with someone, talk spontaneously using the methods I’ll show you later.

Vibing In The Short Term• If you have been doing logical things all day, you

won’t be able to just “snap into” the emotional part of your brain. For example, if you’ve been doing math homework for the past 2 hours then you are still stuck in the logical mode. !

• It’s going to be very difficult to go up to someone right away and start having fun with them and cracking jokes. You’re probably still going to feel very serious and analytical and not really in the mood for having fun.

Changing Your Mood:!1. Get Some Momentum

• Have you ever had a day where you spent a lot of time talking to many different people just having a good time? By the end of the day, you’ve probably found that making conversation became absolutely effortless. This is because you were in the “emotional” state of mind a lot throughout the day. You gained a certain type of momentum that made it easy to have fun.!

• On the other hand, when you are in a logical state of mind, you have none of this momentum. You are trying to run from a standing start. Talking to people is difficult and feels like you are running uphill.

Changing Your Mood:!2. Ease Yourself Into It

• If you are in a more logical mood, then you can first try talking to someone in a logical way just to get used to talking again… then slowly switch to having a bit more fun and playfulness.!

• Then it will be easier to have a more light vibing conversation with a person later because you are more in the mood.

Changing Your Mood:!3. Voice Agreement

• Every so often, after someone says something, simply say “yeah” or “right” or “really?”…!

• Making these types of small comments allowed me to STAY IN the conversation. Whereas before I would become invisible because I stayed silent, now that I was speaking up everyone knew I was there.!

• And by saying small things, I “warmed up” and was able to also speak up and make real comments much more often as well.

Changing Your Mood:!3. Voice Agreement

• Joe: Have you guys heard of what happened to the Mayor of Toronto?!

• Me: No, what happened?!

• Joe: He was caught smoking drugs!!

• Bob: I can’t believe he got away with it for so long!!

• Me: Yeah I know!!

• Bill: Right now I wouldn’t be surprised by anything he did haha.

Blueprint For What To Say After Hello

How To Start A Conversation

• In some situations, like business networking events or meetup groups… everyone goes there to meet new people! So you don’t need anything fancy.!

• "What brings you here?”!

• "How do you know x?” (event organizer)!

• "How did you find out about this event?"

How To Start A Conversation• Easy formula:

Statement + Question!

• Saying the statement before the question means you’re sharing a bit of yourself before asking for something from them.!

• Make an observation about them, or someone/something around you. Pay attention to details. What are they doing or wearing? What's the venue like? Is there something interesting happening nearby?!

• ** What are they paying attention to? ** This allows you to enter the conversation already going on inside their head.


• Simple formula:Statement + Question!

• “Hey that’s a cool watch. I remember my grandpa had a similar one from world war 2. Where did you get it?”!

• “These snacks are delicious. Hey, my name’s Sean. How do you like the presentations so far?”

How To Start A Conversation• Simplest way to start a conversation is to walk up in

a casual and relaxed way and almost act as if you know each other already. This can work in almost any situation.!

• “Hey what’s up?” “Hey how’s it going?” “Hey I’m Sean” “Hey what’s going on?”!

• Most people don’t believe it could work. But it’s all in HOW you say it. Imagine they are an old friend. (More about this in Modules 2/3)


• What to say after this?!

• A general question. Observation about them or the environment. Can even share a little story: “You wouldn’t believe what just happened to me…”!

• Biggest key to starting a conversation is to not overthink it. Most shy people overthink the conversation starter, hesitate too long, and then miss opportunities.

How To Start A Conversation• The words you say will not make or break you. Most

people are friendly and will respond well to any conversation starter. !

• Once they reply with anything, you can then use Conversation Threading to continue the conversation. Use the other techniques to build some connection.!

• It’s about learning to approach with warmth in your nonverbal communication and then deal with the replies you get.

Conclusion

In This Module• The 3 Types of Conversations:!

• Light Vibing - momentum, easing in, small comments!

• Facts, Ideas and Opinions - threading, statements, lifestyle!

• Emotional Connection - open questions, firm opinions!

• Starting Conversations

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