Courtship, dating and the

importance of pre-marital

counselling Brother Sabelo Mdlalose, Buhle Park Church of Christ

Ekurhuleni Youth Workshop

14 May 2016.

Hosted by Tsakane Church of Christ

Session 1: Video lesson Movie: Fireproof, 2008, (running time: 2 hours and 2 minutes)

Note questions as per groups below

Group discussion and presentation (30 minutes)

Group questions

Friends and married/courting couples (Group 1)

1. What influence did friend(s) of Caleb have on him?

2. What influence did friends of his wife (Catherine) have on her?

3. Do you think its wise to have friends while in a relationship? If

yes what kind of friends? (provide supporting verses)

Couples and Parents (Group 2)

1. Explain the role of Caleb’s parents? And what are the good

points?

2. Is it always wise to seek advice from parents? If not in what

conditions? (provide supporting verses- Hint Psalm 119:105)

3. Is it important for couples before they get married to discuss their

family background?

Group questions (cont.)

Couples in Marriage (Group 3)

1. Describe Caleb and his wife life at the start of the movie?

2. List some of the problems that Caleb and his wife had in

their marriage and do you think they should have

discussed these points before they got married? Why?

3. Deducing from the movie, why is it important to marry

someone who is faithful to God? (provide supporting

verse)

4. What are the important points you learned from this movie

and how would you apply them? (provide supporting

verses)

Useful scriptures

Friends- Proverbs 12:26; Psalms 1: 1-3; 1 Corinthians 15:33-34; 2

Corinthians 6:14

Parents- Ephesians 6:1-4; Matthew 10:32-39; 2 Kings 17:40-41;

Deuteronomy 6:6-9; Colossians 3:21; Titus 2:3-4

Marriage- Genesis 2:24; 30:20; Proverbs 18:22; 19:14; 1 Corinthians

7:39; Matthew 6:33; Ephesians 5:21-33; Colossians 3:18-19; 1 Peter

3:1-8

Session 2: Courtship and Dating What is courtship and dating?

Worldly and biblical view on courtship/dating

Do’s and don’ts of courtship/dating

What is dating?

To go out socially, normally beginning in high school.

An appointment for a particular time, especially with a person to

whom one is sexually or romantically attracted.

To have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Dating is mainly from a western culture

No biblical example

Dating – Focus on the Family

A method of introduction and carrying out of pre-

marital relationship between a single man and a

single woman that begins with either the man or

the woman initiating with the other; that is

conducted outside of the formal oversight or

authority of either person’s family or church; and

that may or may not have marriage as its goal. It

is often recreational.

What is Courtship?

To try to gain the love or affections of, especially to seek to marry.

Old fashioned, to be conducting a serious emotional relationship

usually leading to marriage.

Biblical examples: Mary and Joseph (Matthew 1:18-19)

Courtship – Focus on the Family

It is a method of introduction and carrying

out of pre-marital relationship between a

single man and a single woman that begins

with the man approaching and going

through the woman’s father or family; that is

conducted under the oversight of the

woman’s father or family or church; and that

always has marriage as its direct goal.

View on Courtship (Pyramid Model) What most people look for in a potential marriage partner

Spirituality

Psychological Maturity

Social Life

Physical Possessions

Physical Appearance

(foundation)

Worldly

View Bases of choosing a

marriage partner

View on Courtship (Pyramid Model) What Christians should look for in a potential marriage partner.

Physical Appearance

Physical possessions

Social Life

Psychological Maturity

Faith in God

(Spirituality as a foundation)

Biblical

View

Negotiable/

Freedom

area but

MUST not

violate

God’s

commands

Non-

negotiable

(2 Cor. 6:14,

Deut. 7:3-4)

Proverbs 31:30

Matthew 6:33

Do’s of Courtship Before approaching any person, pray first to God for a right person

for you (Prov. 3:6-8; Mat 6:33; 7:7-11; 1 John 5:14-15)

Be a faithful Christian first before approaching anyone and study the

bible more on being a faithful partner especially in marriage

Date/Court only when you are ready to marry

Look for or court/date a faithful Christian that you love

Attend church gathering to find a suitable prospect

If you have been approached or have seen the prospect, before

accepting or approaching the prospect for courtship, do a background

check on his or her character. Enquire from the leadership of the

congregation where he/she congregates.

If you are courting/dating someone make it known to the church as

soon as possible (John 3:20-21)

During courtship test (1 Thes. 5:21; 1 John 4:1; 1 Tim 3:10) the

person you are planning to marry and start preparing for marriage this

includes saving for your wedding/dowry

Making known your courtship to the

church (photos from Vryheid CoC)

Brother Sabelo Mdlalose and Sister

Halalisani in July 2012

Now they are married

Brother S’fiso Dlamini and Sister

Gugu in April 2011

Now they are married

Don’ts of Courtship

Don’t date/court a non-Christian or an unfaithful Christian- God is against it (2 Cor. 6:14-17; Nehemiah 13:23 40, Deuteronomy 7:3-4)

Do not engage in sexual intercourse nor physically touching each other- its sin to God (Fornication: Revelations 21:8; Galatians 5:19; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10)

Don’t date/court for too long, may lead to sexual temptations

Avoid being in closed doors alone, it may lead also to sexual temptations

Avoid dating/courting to please your friends (court when you are ready to get married)

Don’t rely on feelings only when choosing a marriage partner. He/She must a be faithful Christian for your marriage to succeed and to be joyful (Jeremiah 17:9- our hearts can deceive us)

Don’t select a person based only on physical looks and financial affluence. Godly love (agape) must be the first reason you select a person (he or she must also love God, money and beauty cannot bring you happiness)- Proverbs 31:30; Eph. 5:25; Titus 2:4, 1 Cor 13:1-8)

Questions to consider before

courting/dating someone

Session 3: Importance of Pre-

marital Counselling What is counselling?

Why pre-marital counselling

The value of pre-marital counselling

Choosing a counsellor

Topics discussed during pre-marital counselling

What is counselling Biblical Counseling is the practice of training believers toward greater

Christ-likeness through the careful use of the Scriptures for the glory

of God.

The word counselling in its basic form means to give advice, guide,

purpose (Strong’s Dictionary, see Isaiah 9:6).

The bible is complete able to give all necessary knowledge for our

Christian faith (2 Timothy 3:16-17; 2 Peter 1:3; James 1:25)

“My brothers and sisters, I know without a doubt that you are full of

goodness and have all the knowledge you need. So you are certainly

able to counsel each other. (Romans 15:14, ERV)

Choosing a counsellor:

Qualities of a good marriage counsellor

Matured Christian in the Word of God (Knowledge + Wisdom)

Trustworthy (Maintain confidentiality)

Married and his/her marriage is exemplary to the church.

Available and teachable

Ethical

Avoiding counselling people of the opposite sex alone or in private places (most probably the wife/husband of the counsellor will join you in the counselling sessions)

Good listener (Bartender vs Dispensary model)

Example in Christian living and have gained life experience (1 Tim 3:2-7)

Shows genuine concern for the wellbeing of fellow Christians and married couples (Philippians 2:4)

Willing to mentor you as a couple after getting married.

Ability to encourage people, e.g. Barnabas (Acts 11:22-25; 4:36)

Items discussed during Premarital

Counselling sessions Session 1: What marriage is and examples of marriage in the

bible (Counsellor teaches on biblical marriage)

Session 2-6: Counsellor guides and discusses with the couple

on major areas of marriages and their expectation of marriage.

Issues to be discussed include:

Family of origin issues

i. what to keep, what to change

ii. intertribal

iii. interracial

Spiritual commitment

Former relationships

i. children

ii. HIV/AIDS test

Intimacy before marriage

Expectations- roles

Communication skills

Financial planning

Conflict resolution

Family planning

i. How many Children

ii. Parenting style

Wedding plans

i. dowry issues/Lobolo

ii. wedding budget

Sexual expectations

Any other matter arising

Session 2-6

E-books available to learn more

about marriage and courtship

(all church of Christ books for free) Give Me a Home by James W. Boyd

Is Anyone Home: A women's role in the home by Katrece Howard

Marriage is for those who love God and One Another by Thomas B. Warren, Ph.D.

The Christian Home: 8th Annual Truth in Love Lectureship, by Paul Sain (Editor)

Proverbs: A Handbook For The Youth- 3rd Annual Bristol Gospel Lectures by Clifford Newell, Jnr (Editor)

Contact Brother Sabelo Mdlalose, email: sabelomdlalose@gmail.com

for free copies

God Will Help You Find The

Right Mate For Life

Be Prayerful

Be Patient

Be Persistent

Be Pure

”You will either spend an eternity regretful or eternally grateful of the

person you married”

“The greatest gift you can give to your children is a faithful Christian home”

(Doug Greenway, Booneville Church of Christ, USA, February 2003)

Therefore choose wisely!

Thank you and God Bless