- 1 -

Create The Life You Choose

___________________________ Overcoming The Curse of Self-esteem —

a compulsion to feel good about ourselves

- 2 -

Create The Life You Choose

_______________________________________

Overcoming The Curse of Self-esteem — a compulsion to feel good about ourselves

David Mather

- 3 -

All Rights Reserved. Copyright © 2003 David Mather

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording,

taping or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the permission in writing from the publisher.

ISBN: 1-58348-XXX-X

- 4 -

Table of Contents

Introduction 5 Chapter One The Curse of Self-Esteem 10 Chapter Two Mind Games 16 Chapter Three Inside Out 21 Chapter Four Victimology 26 Chapter Five Secret Power of Words 29 Chapter Six Have To, Need To, Must 34 Chapter Seven Fix the Tricks 37 Chapter Eight Compared to What 40 Chapter Nine It Feels Wrong 43 Chapter Ten Hurt, Anger, Depression 45 Chapter Eleven Peeling the Onion 51 Chapter Twelve Challenge Flawed Assumptions 54 Chapter Thirteen Change By Choice 58 Chapter Fourteen The Past as a Resource, not a Recipe 63

- 5 -

Introduction

It seems everyone wants to improve the quality of his or her life. Unfortunately there are those who invest time, effort, and money on self-improvement and fail. Dieters regain the weight they lose—plus a few new pounds. Worriers try positive thinking—until panic strikes again and again. Thousands more join health clubs and then quit. Others buy expensive exercise machines, eventually hiding them away in closets—out of sight, out of mind. Most of these people think they have “low self-esteem.” Fixing self-esteem (feeling good about ourselves) is a national obsession and multi-million dollar industry. Talk shows extol the virtues of self-esteem, and dozens of self-esteem books and tapes are published each year. Schools invest hundreds of hours and millions of dollars indoctrinating children to feel good about themselves. The modern system of self-esteem has its dark side. Falling SAT scores and dependent, over-socialized students who afraid to approach a person of the opposite sex because they fear charges of sexual harassment are only a few of the side-effects of a misguided application of the system of self-esteem. Influenced by self-esteem rhetoric, educators reject marks and grades contending poor grades make students feel “bad about themselves.” Eliminating test scores robs students of important points of progress. As every young student knows (and will tell you, if asked) keeping track of your batting average is essential in baseball. What is wrong with keeping score in academic endeavors? When I was a student, my father taught me to look up the answers to questions I had missed. He said I’d remember them long after I forgot what I studied in cram sessions. Most of today’s students seem unaware of this strategy. When I asked a young woman who got seven out of ten on a test, “Did you look up the answers to other questions?” she answered“What for? I got my mark.” Fortunately, not all teaching professionals align with the self-esteem movement. Leslie Katz, president of the National Association for the Education of Young People, is quoted in Newsweek as saying: “I’m getting sick of the empty slogans.”

- 6 -

Today’s early self-esteem “training” tends towards symbolism over substance with banners, awards, recognition, gold stars, and happy face stickers. This obsession with self-esteem is difficult to challenge since it all seems so harmless. What could be wrong with helping people feel good about themselves? Plenty! If students take their self-esteem “training” too seriously, it leaves them ill prepared for a competitive business environment. Discouraged new employees blame the system, job pressures, or management for their distress. After years of handing in test papers and waiting for their marks, students expect similar feedback from their manager. In the workplace feedback is inconsistent at best—except during uncomfortable performance appraisals. When given feedback about job performance, many young employees react as if it were a personal attack. This renders them helpless when attempting to significantly improve their performance. Their negative reaction to this new environment create unnecessary stress and feelings of hurt, anger, and/or depression. The Self-esteem Scam was the working title for this book. A scam is a con—a trick. However, all scams are not perpetrated on unsuspecting or helpless victims. Weekend tennis, hockey, baseball, football, squash and soccer players buy expensive equipment in the mistaken belief that wearing the best equipment will somehow improve their performance. Celebrity endorsements capitalize on this human frailty. Advertising, no matter how clever, cannot fool an enlightened audience. If there is a scam, it’s the one individuals perpetrate on themselves. Deep down, they know Michael Jordan shoes or Wayne Gretsky hockey sticks don’t guarantee improved performance—but, somehow, they wish they would. Babies eat tasteless, mushy food, and youngsters have training wheels on their bicycles, but eventually they grow out of them. It’s equally important we grow out of our need for self-esteem. Today’s system of self-esteem panders to intellectual laziness and narcissism. Feeling like a winner is not the same as being one. Creating the life you choose means emphasizing actions over rhetoric and leaving self-esteem’s stars, ribbons, banners, and slogans behind. After exposure to the principles in this book, one person’s reaction was: “You are disputing something I have tried to live for twenty years. It’s part of our culture. It’s hard to accept that it may be flawed. If you’re right—that’s scary.” As frightening as a different way of thinking seems, perhaps I have stimulated your curiosity with bold challenges to conventional “wisdom.”

- 7 -

That’s my expectation—to shine the light of truth on the system of self-esteem, exposing its weaknesses and offering constructive strategies to counteract its negative impact. Consider this perspective. If you hold something in high esteem, you place it above something else. The goal of self-esteem is to determine how worthwhile you are. Ask yourself: “How worthwhile am I? What is my level of self-esteem? How did I arrive at my decision?” Individuals are unique; therefore, all comparisons are flawed. However, today’s system of self-esteem suggests (incorrectly) that in order to determine your level of self-esteem, you must compare yourself to others or, worse still, compare yourself to an unrealistic idea of what you should be. The self-esteem movement denies this, but to esteem something means placing it above something else. This gives self-esteem its sting and accounts for plenty of emotional pain and suffering. Some people arrive at their opinion of themselves by comparing accomplishments; others work hard at getting people to like them. Feelings of inadequacy, hurt, anger, and depression immobilize them creating unnecessary pain and suffering—all based on lies! In Final Analysis, Jeffrey Masson says: “At a theoretical level, I wasn’t sure I could believe that one could develop “character” by simply having a good model, by imitation, as it were.” When I read that, I almost cheered out loud! Studying successful people is a good idea, but comparing yourself as a person to a role model crosses the fine line between admiration, and self-esteem’s unrealistic comparisons. What is the result? Feeling bad about yourself. Relationships crumble, ambitions shatter, and the blaming begins. “If only....” (You know the script!) Traditional psychology offers little help. People live with their frustrations anxiously awaiting enlightenment. Compare psychology to technology. Today we have access to faster and more powerful computers, but where are the breakthroughs in psychology? In Behavior: The Control of Perception, William T. Powers says: “Psychology in particular has been a disappointment, promising much and producing essentially nothing with the power to change our lives that, say, the transistor has had.” In Why Some Therapies Don’t Work, with Raymond J. Yeager, Ph.D., Dr. Albert Ellis says: “Rational-emotive therapy (RET) was first introduced in

- 8 -

1955, subsequent to my general dissatisfaction with psychoanalysis and my discovery that my psychotherapy clients were not benefiting from getting ‘in touch’ with unconscious motivations or ‘working through’ transference reactions, as traditional psychoanalysis explanations maintained.” Because the system of self-esteem is positioned as “psychology,” most people feel less than qualified to judge its validity. As a result, they accept its suffering, hurt, and depression, unaware that these emotions are the result of the system itself. It’s important to challenge the underlying assumptions of today’s self-esteem movement. After all, we are the “customers” of this system, and it’s not working! Advocates would like us to believe that the system of self-esteem is science. It isn’t. In Beyond Therapy, Beyond Science, Anne Wilson Schaef states: “We were working out of a model (still prevalent) that basically said if we understood a problem (and sometimes could make the client understand it), the problem was solved... I saw that under the guise of scientific objectivity, psychology and psychiatry essentially functioned out of an emotional, judgmental base that often blamed and disrespected the client.” In PsychoBabble, Dr. Richard Ganz, a trained psychotherapist, wrote: “. . .there are extremely infrequent times when the science of the diagnosis and classification of supposed mental illness is shown to be what it really is—speculation at best, criminal at worst.” Most of my objections are to self-esteem’s outcomes—not its intent. Defenders rally behind their intentions pronouncing: “We’re just trying to help people feel better about themselves.” This is laudable but dangerous. History is full of good intentions gone awry. Marxism, socialism, communism, and many other over-idealistic and “feel good” philosophies have their roots in good intentions. One might ask: “If traditional models produce such poor results, why are they so widespread?” Ineffective traditional models further the agenda of the people selling them. I call these concepts made to sell, not to use. Similar to the many slice, dice, and chop machines pitched on television, they do work but using them is not as easy as it looks! Millions of these devices end up in garage sales or tucked away in cupboards. In used book stores, self-help and how-to books outnumber all the rest. Authors tell their readers information cannot change lives—readers must do that for themselves. Many people read no further and put the book out of sight—out of mind. On the other hand, the few who apply what they read would never part with their dog-eared books.

- 9 -

My father regularly threw out my grandfather’s homemade walking stick. When granddad cut a new one, it, too, disappeared. If he became dependant on the cane, his ability to walk would have further deteriorated. He lived to be ninety-two and walked unassisted almost to the day he died. My father’s actions on the surface appear cruel—yet were an act of love. The system of self-esteem is just as crippling. Improperly applied it weakens our resolve and undermines our ability to courageously face life’s many challenges. Before you get yourself too upset or depressed thinking about this, here’s an alternative approach. Instead of searching for ways to feel good about yourself, why not take away the negative power of self-esteem and work toward creating the life you truly want for yourself? Now that’s something to feel good about! I did not set out to write an anti self-esteem book, so what follows are conversations about self-reliance, personal responsibility, being the primary creative force in your life, and accessing a gateway to the life you choose—by design. Some of us put up quite a fight when deeply held beliefs are challenged, so I repeat key concepts in different ways or from different angles. Be careful if you catch yourself saying: “You’ve covered that before—I get it—get on with it.” Until you translate new ideas into actions (habits), you really don’t “get it.” Insight alone cannot enrich your life. It is actions, not intentions that produce new or different results. As one philosopher put it: “To know and not to do, is not to know at all.” ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Psychology presents itself as a concerned and caring profession working for the good of its clients. But in its wake lie damaged people, divided families, distorted justice, destroyed companies, and a weakened nation”.

Dr. Tana Dineen

Manufacturing Victims 1996

- 10 -

Robert Davis Publishing ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- 11 -

Chapter 1

“The Curse of Self-Esteem or What’s wrong with the Feel Good Movement?”. . . Cover of Newsweek Magazine

When the National Council for Self-esteem asked one hundred teachers to define self-esteem, they gave 27 distinctly different definitions. Imagine if you asked a thousand teachers! After weeks of careful deliberation, the Council defined self-esteem as: “The experience of feeling that you are worthy of happiness and capable of managing life’s challenges.” A prominent self-esteem advocate, Nathaniel Branden explains: “Self-esteem . . . is an intimate experience; it resides in the core of our being. It is what I think and feel about myself, not what someone else thinks or feels about me.” 1 Self-esteem issues develop when children learn (incorrectly) that there is a direct cause-effect relationship between outside influences and their emotions. They make this assumption after hearing statements such as: “She/he makes me angry” or “That makes me sad.” Educators reinforce this false perception by teaching a distorted view of self-esteem. I suppose they feel that if they don’t do this our children won’t “get it.” Unhealthy comparisons such as: “Why can’t you sit quietly like other children?... You’re so clumsy ... Don’t be so emotional ... You shouldn’t feel that way ... You’re hyperactive ... You have a short attention span.” ... serve to reinforce a child’s insecurity.

- 12 -

Even positive reinforcement from a feel-good-about-yourself perspective leads young people astray. We have swung the pendulum too far, as illustrated by a public school principal in Ohio who said teaching children two plus two could equal five protects their precious self-esteem. (Give me a break!)

Bill Bennett, former United States Education Secretary, quotes an international study of 13 year olds given a standardized math test. Researchers asked each student to predict the results. On the test, Korean students did best, Japanese students second, and Americans last. However, the American students predicted they would be number one, while Korean and Japanese students placed themselves lower than their actual scores.

When feeling good about yourself (self-esteem) replaces striving to be the best you can be (competence), standards decline. In the past thirty years, SAT scores have dropped at least seventy-five points! What’s going on here? I thought feeling good about yourself improved performance? Apparently not.

The good news is that we can expose the damage done by the system of self-esteem and learn to defend ourselves against its dirty tricks.

In my early school days, I was doing a math problem on the blackboard when my teacher yelled out: “Mather, you’re better than that, now smarten up!” My throat went dry, my face got red—I couldn’t think. I stumbled through oral book reports feeling foolish as I felt my face turn bright red. My hands shook and a strange quiver appeared in the muscles of my right leg. I panicked. For years I mentally replayed these and similar experiences. My current behavior was based on mentally revisiting these old feelings thousands of times. I gave myself plenty of unnecessary grief. Who says getting an algebra question wrong or losing your place in a memorized speech is making a fool of yourself? (I did!) I made a giant leap of faith by attaching my panic to the act of speaking in public and from that decision on, I avoided public speaking like the plague. Those around me supported my fears by assuring me I was not alone.

Many people go through life creating similar, unnecessary panic. There are those who desperately look for painless ways to overcome similar fears by attending one-day public speaking seminars conducted by so-called experts. Participants know they won’t be asked to speak at these meetings, which pander to their fears. Organizers base these seminars on a flawed model of self-improvement contending: “Until you know why you are afraid, you cannot overcome your fears.”

- 13 -

Nathanial Branden suggests:

“... the therapist’s chief task is to make the patient aware of the psycho epistemological processes by which his values and goals were chosen... The patient has to be led to understand in what ways his initial default on the responsibility of independence generated the sense of insecurity ... Is the patient’s understanding of the nature and origins of his problems all that is required to produce a cure? The answer is: No, it is not all that is required; it is essential, but is only a first step.” 2

Are you confused? So am I. Read that quote again, slowly this time … (Okay, if you’ve read it more than twice—move on.)

Sadly, uncovering the underlying cause of our distress still leaves us with the task of dealing with our panic and, worse still, deflects us from the responsibility of developing genuine competence.

Medical experts express concern over the administration of drugs to ostensibly deal with these psychological problems. Even more disturbing is the practice of subjecting young children to powerful drugs. Imagine a child, difficult to handle, drugged while sitting in a classroom. I know there are those who challenge this kind of talk, so here is the opinion of Dr. Richard Bromfield, Ph.D., of the Harvard Medical School. He calls the drug Ritalin “wildly over prescribed,” and suggests that drugs treat only symptoms, not underlying causes. He explains: “Medication becomes a badge of helplessness. How can a child develop the capacity to control himself while the prescription’s strong message is he can’t?” 4

Responsibly prescribed drugs do seem to help some children, but doctors are concerned about their side effects. Labelling children as helpless or somehow backward is highly irresponsible. With confusing data on both

The term patient bothers me. (Ellis and Schaef use client.) If a person acts the way others think they shouldn’t, does this make them sick? The power doctors have over their patients is awesome as illustrated by a disturbing experiment. In 1973 several mental health professionals presented themselves at various hospitals declaring that they “felt empty” or “hollow” (bad about themselves?) Hospitals admitted them for periods of seven to fifty-two days. All were diagnosed with various illnesses but acted normally once admitted. One of the participants, Dr. D.L. Rosenhan, professor of psychology and law at Stanford University said: “We continue to label patients schizophrenics, manic-depressives, and insane, as if those words had captured the essence of understanding... We have known for a long time that our diagnoses are not reliable or useful, but we nevertheless continue to use them.”

- 14 -

sides of the issue—what are parents to do? There may be a reasonable alternative.

Suppose I am afraid of water and won’t learn to swim. I have all the symptoms —sweaty palms, queasiness, flushed face and the mere thought of swimming panics me. I rationalize that I really don’t want to learn how to swim. Secretly, I feel foolish. Is it necessary to understand why I am afraid? No! Even if I succeeded in enhancing my self-esteem, I’m still left with the issue of learning how to swim! What I need is a qualified swimming instructor. Does he\she need to know why I am afraid? No. Since I cannot effectively coach myself, it is important that my coach knows how to teach me to swim.

Unfortunately, self-esteem psychology permeates amateur sports coaching. Experienced coaches know better, but rookie coaches fall into the trap of wanting to protect a player’s fragile self-esteem. Don’t misunderstand; I’m not endorsing cruel, over-critical, or over-demanding coaching, but self-esteem’s feel-good-about-yourself philosophy stifles the development of high-level competency.

A Canadian Olympic gold medalist told me that expert coaching (including direct suggestions for improvement) was instrumental in his journey towards world-class performance. This swimmer disliked his coach’s demeanour but under his tutelage improved faster than ever, eventually winning a Gold Medal.

Think back to your favourite coach. Were they tough or easy? I had a football coach who, after telling us to do three laps, yelled: “One more lap.” We’d moan and groan, but we did the laps. He pushed us knowing we’d need reserve energy during the game. He pushed us farther than we believed we could go.

Recently I spotted this headline:

COACHES TEACH YOUNG BOYS TO PLAY BALL AND TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES.

Intrigued, I read further. One coach said: “We all have to do our best. It’s just fair and the way it should be. It doesn’t mean being better than anyone else. It just means doing your best...”

He told reporters that yelling parents aren’t tolerated and no one gets berated or humiliated for goofing up. No player is ever isolated because of what they’ve done on the field. Cheering is welcome, but no temper

- 15 -

tantrums.. These coaches allocate playing-time by using the most competent players during crucial points in a game. Team members accept this—and there’s no whining! Contrast this with fairness doctrines insisting on equal playing time. Except with very young children who need playing time to develop basic skills, equal time robs players of the motivation to earn their place on the team. Effective coaches avoid unfair comparisons and motivate players to be the best they can be by building competence not self-esteem.

Sports is just one of self-esteem’s many victims. Some educators, apparently oblivious to their responsibility of preparing students for a competitive world, fall for its twisted logic. One school baseball league actually eliminated scoring altogether. (Do you think the players kept score anyway? You bet!)

So-called fairness doctrines stress equal outcome not equal opportunity. This is the promise of “outcome-based education” which sounds harmless, until you investigate its roots—self-esteem! You can’t guarantee equal outcome without significantly lowering standards. Lowering standards just to make things “fair” is a knee-jerk reaction. When choosing sides in school sports, I was always one of the last players chosen. Granted, I felt badly about it, but this only served to convince me that a professional sports career was probably not an option.

Ironically, flawed self-esteem logic sets up unrealistic and dangerous comparisons. If you think beating someone in a skills competition makes you a better person (self-esteem), you mislead yourself. If I’m better than you at math, I’m better at math—and that’s it! Comparing your peformance to someone else’s performance invites feelings of inadequacy. This phenomenon is the system of self-esteem at its worst. Your achievements do not make you a special or less than special person.

In the Broadway show A Chorus Line, dancers line up with their 8x10 glossies singing: “I am not my résumé!” You are not what you do. You are YOU. A hit song says it best “No one can compare to you!” As Wayne Dyer puts it: “If you are what you do, when you don’t—you aren’t!”

I was invited to speak to a local networking support group of a hundred or so unemployed executives. They found the I am not my résumé concept particularly enlightening. A government agency had provided them with self-esteem tapes ostensibly to help them better cope with being “downsized.” Most of these people didn’t know what hit them. For years they believed they were their résumés.

Our local paper published an article exposing this gross misuse of government funds. Unemployed people deserve better treatment, but so far

- 16 -

nothing has changed. One city spent over three-quarters of a million dollars on this stuff. The scam continues!

It may feel good to allow emotions to run our lives but developing genuine self-direction means choosing constructive rather than destructive thought patterns. Genuine courage involves making choices most likely to attract the results you truly desire.

Here’s Dr. Albert Ellis’s advice. “Imagine that you are performing something remarkably well . . . Let yourself feel very happy about this accomplishment. Now observe your happy feeling. Is it only a feeling of being happy about your performance? Or do you also—be honest now—feel great about you, about yourself, about your whole being? . . . If you do feel like a noble, superhuman, holier than thou person, you are then, according to RET, experiencing an inappropriate positive feeling. For you are then in a grandiose, egotistical state. You have jumped from the idea that “My behavior is outstanding” to “I am therefore an outstanding, great person.”

Albert Ellis How To Stubbornly Refuse To

Make Yourself Miserable About Anything Carol Publishing Group 1993

- 17 -

Chapter Two ________________________________________________________________________________

Mind Games Pain is part of any growth experience, but unnecessary suffering adds no value to your life. No one gives you extra credit for enduring unnecessary grief. Tragically, a great deal of emotional suffering is avoidable, since it is the direct result of self-esteem’s flawed logic.

People in Great Britain drive on the left side of the road but, visitors from North America proclaim:

“These people drive on the wrong side of the road! This doesn’t feel right!”

Motorists in Great Britain drive on a different side of the road. This experience doesn’t feel right to foreign drivers; therefore, to them, it must be wrong! But everything that feels wrong isn’t always wrong—just different. This is a distinction that most people never make. They simply trust their feelings as if they all come from the same source. (They don’t.) Would you allow a five year old child to drive your automobile? Of course not, but some people allow a five-year old to run their lives.

I’m amused when people say the mind is like a computer. Really? Which came first? Unfortunately, most of us operate man-made machines better than we use our minds. Imagine how many more VCRs would be flashing 12:00 if there were no instruction booklet. Our mind comes without printed instructions, and we have different opinions on how to best utilize our mind power. Invariably most of us fall into the trap of replaying old experiences and the strong feelings attached to them.

During sporting events, when a player misses a scoring opportunity, my wife and I yell out: “They’ll score on the replay!” They never do. Our mental

- 18 -

replays aren’t so accurate. Remember my public speaking example? I replayed experiences when I least needed them. In the process of trying to overcome my panic, those old memories resurfaced. Worse still, my body recreated the appropriate physiological conditions (sweaty palms, increased heart rate, nausea, quivering muscles, flushed face etc.), and my mind responded to those “feelings” with panic. Happily, this cycle can be broken.

Habits form through repetition, but replacing old habits seems hard. This leads to beliefs such as:

• You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. • People resist anything new. • There is a natural resistance to change.

Careful scrutiny tells a different story. We do not resist all change—just changes we believe are forced upon us. Changing habits, as difficult as it may seem, is well within our control. Imagine having to constantly relearn every habit—dressing yourself, finding your way to work, making coffee, etc. What a nightmare! The problem isn’t your mind’s capacity to develop different habits—it’s accepting how habits form and changing them by choice.

We tend to confirm familiar positions rather than accept new ones or, as one philosopher put it, “Most people don’t change their mind; they just rearrange their prejudices.” Understanding and accepting this human tendency is the first step toward consciously replacing irrational fears with constructive alternatives.

My grandfather delivered milk in a horse-drawn wagon, and he told me that once the horse knew the route, it was hard to change its programming. In fact, the horse wouldn’t move until it thought the milk was delivered. Imagine riding a horse to work. You trot along to an intersection where you used to turn right, and now you want to go left. You pull on the reins and the horse resists. You pull harder the horse resists even more. The habit side of your mind operates just like a trained horse.

In The Greatest Power In The Universe, U.S. Andersen writes about our two minds: “The subconscious mind is the horse, and the conscious mind is the rider, and the horse does what the rider tells it to, and any rider can take over the horse, but without a rider, the horse acts crazy.” 4

The habit side of your mind (I call it the “Inner-horse”) has a distinct advantage—it controls emotions. When intellect and emotions cross, emotions win every time. That’s why knowing the cause of your fears is of

- 19 -

little value. Emotions are like finances. Most people have opinions about money-management, and intend to do something about their financial future—but many fail to act on those intentions. Bank accounts grow through money management, not intentions!

Emotional management is equally straightforward and action-oriented. Knowing how to manage emotions is not enough. Until you translate your intentions into action, nothing changes. The Inner-horse wins. Unfortunately, your Inner-horse uses strange logic and flawed assumptions. Most of us let the “Inner-horse” (overemotional reactions) take over.

John G. Geier, Ph.D., co-author of The Energetics Of Personality, coined the phrase Private Logic—our “makes-sense” system. People create their own little world and behave sensibly towards it. I have a friend whose idea of relaxation is inviting friends over for a party. To me, unwinding is spending time with a small group of close friends or, better still, curled up with a good book. How many times have your friends told you about a terrific movie, enthusiastically suggesting: “You’ll love it!”? You go to see it and leave holding your nose in disgust. This is Private Logic! We see life our way. As much as we “know” this, many of us act shocked when others see things differently and behave accordingly.

For example, an executive attends a weekend retreat climbing rocks, ropes, and paddling a canoe down a raging river proclaiming: “What a great team building experience. We’re all going! It’ll be terrific!” Shocked when others respond unenthusiastically, the executive labels people as “negative,” “resistant to change,” or “a poor team player.”

In my vocabulary, good and sweat do not go together. To me, it’s an oxymoron. Objective opinion is another oxymoron. While most of us try to see both sides, we all have a distinct point of view.

Other people’s fears seem strange to us, and psychology’s quest for a deep-rooted causes often ends in disappointment. In fact, some professionals view some panic disorders simply as misinterpretations of normal body sensations.

Reread this important statement:

“Many panic disorders are misinterpretations of normal body sensations.”

With this in mind, here is the first in a series of simple, action-oriented fight-back strategies designed to help you counter self-esteem’s dirty tricks.

Fight Back Action Tip #1

When panic strikes, ask yourself “What am I telling myself (about myself) right now?”

- 20 -

At first, it may be necessary to have this conversation after the panic subsides.

Here are some examples of “killer” phrases and their alternatives:

• My back is killing me!

Substitute: My back feels sore.

• He/she is a pain in the (body-part of your choice.)

Substitute: I’m reacting to...

• I’m all stressed out!

Substitute: My demanding programming is ...

• I am angry.

Substitute: I am getting myself upset.

• I can’t think straight.

Substitute: My reactions are clouding my thinking.

• I have to succeed.

Substitute: I want to succeed, but I don’t have to.

• I can’t do this!

Substitute: I’m having trouble doing this.

By strongly disputing negative or exaggerated self-talk, you significantly reduce negative stress while accepting full responsibility for choosing your emotional reactions. Please don’t let the simplicity of this idea fool you. That which appears simple may not be easy. What may be easy to do is also easy not to do.

When I was a boy, my friends played a game where we asked a person to study a room filled with obstacles such as tin cans, chairs, tables, etc. We blindfolded them and quietly removed the objects. Our “victim” carefully avoided objects that were no longer there—vividly illustrating the famous quote: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”

- 21 -

Even though your “Inner-horse” tells you: “This approach is cold-blooded and unemotional,” applying this simple procedure uses strong emotions to challenge the human tendency to pander to immediate gratification. If and when irrational fears strike, covert them into manageable concerns, responding in a way that is constructive and practical. Repeated application of this technique creates, by choice, new and different habits of thinking.

What comes out of your mouth represents your thinking. Your thinking creates your actions. Your actions produce results. Change what comes out of your mouth (even spoken in your head), and you gain access to creating new behaviors, giving you access to new and different results.

Emotions are not you. They are predetermined responses based on old thinking habits. Thinking and acting like a helpless victim is a dangerous habit and one of the many negative by-products of today’s system of self-esteem.

Joseph Wolpe works with people to overcome irrational fears by changing their behavior—not uncovering some supposedly deep-rooted cause. He routinely cures people in several weeks, not years.

In 1988, David Clark, an Oxford psychologist, proved that many panic disorders are simply misinterpretations of bodily sensations brought on by anxiety. Under mental stress, a faster heartbeat and shortness of breath are caused by over breathing—not symptoms of a heart attack. Using sound medical information, panic-stricken individuals can learn this important distinction and stop escalating harmless feelings into full-blown panic attacks. This technique produces a 90% cure rate, while for some users miracle drugs come with a host of undesirable side-effects.

The body does not analyze; therefore, using your mind in concert with your body is an effective (and intended) use of your faculties. Unfortunately some of us allow our bodies to dominate our thinking. Failing to choose and create our own feelings turns us into robots—automatons—the very outcome most of us fear! Managing self-talk begins our journey beyond self-esteem towards creating the life we choose!

- 22 -

Chapter Three ___________________________________________________________________________

“Inside-Out” Hang on to your belief system—you are about to challenge deeply held core beliefs! Even if you initially resist these ideas, objectively compare them to your own life experiences. As humans, we tend towards projecting meaning onto things. While this, in and of itself, is not bad, when carried to an extreme, it leads to highly undesirable consequences. At worst, we tend to advance our interpretation of events to the level of “that’s the way it is for everyone.”

Three common false beliefs illustrate the depth of our deception. Reread these beliefs several times. One pass through the brain is not enough!

Lie One: Poverty Causes Crime Often, this contention is repeated with an air of authority. At a press conference, the then U.S. Surgeon General announced that poverty is the root cause of crime. Excuses supporting this assumption include:

“Their background, environment, unfortunate experiences, lack of education, lack of opportunity...are the causes of … ”

This flawed belief is easily disputed. If poverty causes crime, everyone brought up in less than desirable financial conditions would eventually engage in criminal activity. This just isn’t so.

Years ago, the Canadian Government relocated an Indian reservation, but some families refused to move. My father, an Anglican minister, traveled by rail to conduct services and provide what help he could, including distributing donated clothing. I can still hear him telling me: “David, if you give this clothing away at no price, you rob people of their self-respect. These are proud individuals who deserve to be treated with dignity.” People exchanged

- 23 -

work or small amounts of money for the clothing, retaining their precious self-respect.

Wearing ribbons, spending a night sleeping on the streets etc. may help the person performing these acts feel good about themselves (a suspiciously familiar concept) but these symbolic acts do little to solve real problems. Sadly, such “symbolism over substance” actions tend to disrespect those they are designed to “help.”

Underprivileged individuals can, and do, rise above their circumstances. Poverty, in and of itself, is not the root cause of criminal behavior.

Poverty does not cause crime— criminals do!

Lie Two: He/She Makes Me Angry I know you recognize this one. A person says or does something and you get angry insisting they are the cause of your distress. Thank goodness this isn’t true. Your feelings are related to their behavior, but they are not automatic, involuntary responses.

What if, in a personal relationship, one partner suggests the relationship would work better if the spouse would just change one tiny annoying characteristic? How might the other respond? Here’s an all too common reaction:

“If you don’t love (like, accept) me for who I am—forget it! This is me. If you don’t like it, there’s the door!”

Here’s another common scenario. A boss verbally attacks an employee, who then storms out of the room. Obviously, the angry outburst caused this reaction—right? No. Under similar circumstances, some people retaliate verbally or physically, while others file formal complaints. These distinctly different reactions indicate there is no direct cause-effect connection between anger and another person’s inappropriate behavior.

Many people believe strong emotions are normal biological body responses of varying intensity experienced by everyone. Your reaction is your responsibility. Blowing off steam may help you feel better, but it doesn’t change your perception that the world (and the people in it) must act as you demand. Wallowing in anger’s mud bath leaves you vulnerable. Changing your beliefs about anger frees you from the Inner-Horse’s childish nonsense. (“He/she shouldn’t do/say that!”) Yes, they should – because they did! Later we’ll expand on this somewhat controversial contention.

- 24 -

Lie Three: You Hurt My Feelings Can people really hurt your feelings? No. If you doubt this, study the lives of those imprisoned, beaten, or tortured. Search out and read Viktor Frankl’s powerful Man’s Search For Meaning. In Nazi concentration camps, despite unbelievable treatment, many people including Frankl, retained their precious self-respect. Surely we can live by the axiom: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

Here’s a sample of Frankl’s insight:

“In the concentration camp every circumstance conspires to make the prisoner lose his hold. All the familiar goals in life are snatched away. What alone remains is ‘the last of human freedoms’—the ability to ‘choose’ one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” 16

In a free society, others have the right and freedom to speak their mind, but you don’t have to accept their opinion. Feedback from others is useful, but be careful of its source. If you’ve been involved in an event reported by the press, you know the importance of evaluating the source of information. In spite of reporters’ attempts at objectivity, they do have a point of view (Private Logic.) I worked in several newsrooms and found most newscasters sincere in their efforts to be objective, but they had strong personal feelings, and this background showed up in their work.

An attendee at one of my seminars blamed her lack of enthusiasm on her father. (He died ten years before.) There is no doubt he influenced her, but, since he is unable to reconsider his actions, don’t you think its time she took over?

Does this contention sound familiar?

“It’s not my fault. He/she made me so mad that I just couldn’t concentrate. I was so stressed out that I got this terrific headache and couldn’t think clearly.”

Claiming this kind of helplessness is an easier position to take than fully accepting personal responsibility. Some workers even negotiate stress days taking time off from the pressures of their jobs. Rest and relaxation makes sense, but allowing people to label workload as the cause of their anxiety deflects them from fully accepting personal responsibility. Workload does not cause stress. (This is an important distinction.)

Freedom to take risk and suffer the consequences of our behavior is the cornerstone of a free society. Unfortunately there are those who advocate feeling good about themselves—even if it means giving up their freedom to succeed and/or fail. Some self-esteem advocates go so far as to blame

- 25 -

imaginary villains for clearly self-inflicted problems. Their favorite is the inner child.

Dr. Ellis says it best: “The only person with an inner child is a pregnant woman!” No one but you can hurt your feelings; therefore the wounded child is a masochist! I like the inner child concept as an analogy but not as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. During the VE-Day 50th anniversary commemoration, one veteran said:

“Years ago we didn’t know we had an inner child and if we did, we’d send it to bed without supper.”

Some people get themselves upset at this kind of talk, but I contend that we are not helpless victims of the past. Today’s behavior is the result of today’s decisions, even if we are strongly influenced by the past.

Some professional football players have fallen victim to self-esteem’s seductive blame game. The day before a game where the Miami Dolphins played the Buffalo Bills, linebacker Bryan Cox commented on his hatred for Buffalo fans setting him up as a target. Cox filed suit against the National Football League, claiming racial discrimination prompted him to drink heavily and lose his intensity. Quoted in the Palm Beach Post he said: “For the first nine games you saw Bryan Cox playing with emotion and kicking butt. But for the last five games you saw a person who was just out there.” The NFL fined Cox $10,000 for using obscene gestures, but his attorneys contended the NFL forced Cox to play in a “racially hostile” environment. (Later, the commissioner reduced the fine to $3,000.) This and many similar stories, illustrate the ramifications of self-esteem’s dirty tricks. Cox is entitled to exercise his legal right to hold others accountable for their behavior, but it seems excessive to blame the Buffalo fans for his “loss of intensity and focus.”

Fifty years ago in Escape From Freedom, Erich Fromm wrote:

“Escape From Freedom is an analysis of the phenomenon of man’s anxiety... After centuries of struggles, man succeeded in building an undreamed-of wealth of material goods; he built democratic societies in parts of the world, and recently was victorious in defending himself against new totalitarian schemes, yet, ... modern man still is anxious and tempted to surrender his freedom to dictators of all kinds, or to lose it by transforming himself into a small cog in the machine, well fed, and well clothed, yet not free but an automaton.”

Fromm clearly describes today’s world:

“In recent decades ‘conscience’ has lost much of its significance. It seems as though neither external nor internal authorities play any

- 26 -

prominent role in the individual’s life. Everybody is completely ‘free,’ if only he does not interfere with other people’s legitimate claims. But what we find is rather that instead of disappearing, authority has made itself invisible. Instead of overt authority, ‘anonymous’ authority reins. It is disguised as common sense, science, normality, public opinion. ... It is like being fired at by an invisible enemy. There is nobody and nothing to fight back against.” 17

Fromm’s insight is eerie since much of today’s conventional wisdom is based on self-esteem’s flawed assumptions.

Don’t blame yourself for things over which you have no control. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings or reactions—just your own.

In case you assume I am endorsing insensitive behavior, consider this: In Saved By The Light, Dannion Brinkley describes how, after being struck by lightning, he was declared clinically dead. He vividly relived his life in an instant (a common phenomenon) with an unusual twist. He viewed it from the other person’s point of view, feeling their pain in response to his behavior. Whether his experience was “real” is not my point. He certainly offers a chilling perspective.

Contending we are not responsible for other people’s feelings doesn’t give us the right to ignore the impact our behavior has on them. Confucius said: “The best people foster the good in others, not the bad. The worst people foster the bad in others, not the good.”

Treating each person as if our actions make them feel bad or good is fine as long as we avoid the arrogant position that we are responsible for their feelings. This may seem like a minor distinction, but it keeps us from inadvertently treating others with disrespect.

Fight Back Action Tip #2 When you slip into the blame game, remind yourself of your power to choose. Take full responsibility for your actions.

- 27 -

Chapter Four ___________________________________________________________________________

“Victimology” The popular press bombards us with verbal abuse stories and magazine articles citing “scientific” studies that indicate over eighty percent of our teenagers are sexually harassed. Further investigation uncovers the pollster’s working definition of harassment: “Unwanted attention, bumping up against a person in the hall, leering looks, etc.” This “research” contends calling a young woman a “dog” or “cow” is sexual harassment. While mean and disrespectful, this language is far from “sexual” harassment.

It’s discouraging to see how far from reality we’ve drifted. A six-year-old boy in Evansville, Illinois, was sent home the day after Valentines Day by a teacher who spotted the boy wishing a classmate a happy Valentine’s Day by kissing her on the back of the head. The teacher took him to the office and called the boy’s father, accusing the child of sexual harassment. The father asked the Dean of Student Services how something so ludicrous could happen. In reply to the question: “Do you think a six-year-old is capable of sexual harassment?” The Dean replied: “Certainly, I think a five-year-old is. We are personally liable in such cases.” United States Senator Ted Kennedy endorses his views: “You have first, second, and third grade harassers. You have kindergarten harassers. We’re reaching out and identifying them at the earliest grades, disciplining these individuals. As with every aspect of Health Care, early intervention can have a big impact.”

Physical abusers deserve appropriate punishment, but turning young people into helpless victims (of words) does more harm than good. Apparently most Canadians agree. A survey commissioned by the Ontario College of Physicians and Surgeons indicates that 54% of the public and 87% of physicians believe mandatory reporting should not apply to remarks, jokes, or gestures with sexual overtones. 80% of the public and 76% of doctors

- 28 -

agree mandatory reporting should apply to sexual touching of a patient. College president Dr. Rachel Edney said that verbal cases present a “bureaucratic nightmare” hampering their capacity to handle complaints involving actual touching.

By muddying the water with vague and impossible to administer rules, we set up unnecessary victimization. Teaching young people appropriate responses to so-called abuses, kills the weed at its roots. Unfortunately Health Ministry officials disagree. A spokesperson responded to the Ontario study:

“Mandatory reporting of such behavior is important because it can serve as an alarm before the abuse becomes more severe.”16

This sounds credible but misses the mark. It’s easy to feel abused when others use offensive language, but, to the surprise of self-esteem advocates, most so-called abusers back-off when confronted in a direct, calm, and assertive manner. An added bonus is that they respect those who stand up to them.

Let’s clarify an important distinction. Brainwashing in all its forms is harmful and wrong, but comparing verbal abuse to physical assault is equally obnoxious. All physical abuse is reprehensible. Sexual harassment is particularly hideous, especially as an abuse of perceived power. Unfortunately, there are those who want to turn the use of offensive language into criminal behavior, leaving abusive behavior unresolved by implying we can become the helpless victims-of words!

I object to symbolic solutions designed to make the person applying them feel good about themselves. Lasting solutions inoculate us against verbal attacks. Dr. Tana Dineen in her hard-hitting book Manufacturing Victims17, makes a clear distinction between real and fabricated victims. Real victims, she suggests, did not choose to be raped, beaten, or tortured. On the other hand, fabricated victims choose their pain, injury, and trauma.

Self-esteem advocates contend that verbal abuse undermines our self-esteem, going so far as to suggest that most of us come from dysfunctional families! If you find this hard to believe, investigate Nathaniel Brandon’s “The Power Of Self -Esteem.”

“Most of us are children of dysfunctional families. I do not mean that most of us had alcoholic parents or were sexually or otherwise abused or that we grew up in an atmosphere of physical violence. I mean that most of us grew up in homes characterized by conflicting signals, denials of reality,

- 29 -

parental lying, and lack of adequate respect for our mind and person. I am speaking of the average home.”18

John Bradshaw, another popular self-esteem author and speaker contends that all of us come from dysfunctional families!

Parenting is tough enough without this heavy burden. What a thrill it is to observe most parents exercising personal responsibly by allowing their children to learn from minor mistakes, letting their children know they are special while holding them accountable for their reaction to life’s seemingly “unfair” events.

Frank Pittman III, M.D. contends: “ People who want to be victims may nurture their inner child, may style themselves as adult children of imperfect parenting, or may announce that they are survivors of real or imagined unpleasant experiences. Either way, they resign from the adult world, eschew responsibility for their conduct in relationships, and whimper that the world owes them a life.” 7

- 30 -

Chapter Five ___________________________________________________________________________

“The Secret Power of Words” Words are important in shaping self-concept, especially “I” and “Am,” which are often followed by “no good at …”

I am no good at public speaking.

I am no good at using a computer.

I am no good at math.

I am no good at socializing.

This language is counter-productive since Private Logic is more firmly connected to today’s self-talk than yesterday’s influences.

In his landmark book, The Tyranny of Words, (1938) Stuart Chase contends that words have no meaning — individuals project meaning onto them. He substantiates his argument with the word communism. Your reaction to the word depends on your point of view and the meaning you project onto it.

Words can’t hurt you, but it is important to carefully choose your words. In my seminars, I suggest: “My parents weren’t poor; they just didn’t have a lot of money.” Poor is a label. Lack of money is often a temporary condition.

Labelling children as bad or good is mostly a thing of the past, but labels still persist. Calling people addicts implies that they are helpless victims. Every year thousands of people rid their lives of excessive drug use, shattering the theory that they “can’t help it.” Admitting they have a problem is the beginning of a long, tough road back, but labelling them as addicts may replace one dependency with another. A single word or phrase can influence the way a person reacts since:

Meaning is in people, not words.

- 31 -

A manager expressed dissatisfaction with an employee’s commitment telling me: “At 5:01 she’s in the parking lot. She’s not committed!” I asked. “Has she ever told you she was uncommitted?” “Of course not,” he replied, “but sometimes there is important work to do — and she just leaves.” Further investigation uncovered she is a single parent with a daughter to be picked up by 5:30 pm Given notice by noon, the mother was willing and able to stay and complete her work.

How do you feel about her level of commitment? Did your feelings change as you discovered the truth? Once her manager realized her situation, his view of her attitude changed. Check your thoughts. Do you attach meaning to other people’s behavior calling it their attitude? (Most of us do.)

The human mind is our final frontier — we can choose to boldly go where few minds have gone before! A friend and I play a word game especially when she gets frustrated with her fiancé. “He’s a jerk,” she says. “He is not a jerk,” I remind her: “He’s just acting like one.”

Here are a few more examples of mind-reading . . .

• I don’t like his/her attitude.

• He/she doesn’t care about anybody else.

• All they want is our money.

• People don’t want to work hard.

•She/he is arrogant.

• No one cares about quality.

• Companies don’t care about workers.

• Workers are lazy, greedy, and uncommitted.

Fight Back Action Tip #3 When you fall into the mind reading trap, remind yourself that you really don’t know another person’s motives—only their behavior. You could guess their motives, but before you do, remind yourself how often others make wrong guesses about your intentions and motives.

- 32 -

Mather’s Message: “Everyone has one—no one is one.”

Labelling people as their behavior borders on being arrogant and ego-centered. People can change their behavior but cannot change the essence of who they are. Commit to letting go of a tendency to interpret what other’s think or mean and see what happens.

Consider how your thoughts deepen your emotional reactions:

• Just thinking about (that) makes me angry.

• I think he\she is such a pain in the neck.

• The mere thought of him/her makes me shiver.

• I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.

• When I think of that song, I feel warm all over.

• The thought of flying makes me nervous.

Close your eyes and concentrate on a person or specific event. How do you feel? It is possible to make yourself feel good or bad without any external input! Your body reacts, and strong feelings surface as your mind uses neurochemical impulses to stimulate the appropriate glands. These feelings are remembered physical experiences that happen in you, not to you. Reaction time is instantaneous, but understanding and accepting the view that your reactions are internal is a giant step towards self-discipline and emotional control. Consciously choosing your emotional reactions to life’s experiences involves training the Inner-Horse. Only you can change its deeply held beliefs, so let’s go to work on it!

Nothing illustrates the power of words better than Angie’s story. Her father is a police officer. She was so proud of her dad that she could hardly wait to show him off to her class. One day he visited her school and gave a terrific presentation. She beamed with pride, but after class, several students scoffed at the “Pig.” Angie raced home in tears. Her mother greeted her at the door and dried Angie’s tears, telling her: “If you make the pig the most beautiful creature in the world, when they call your dad a pig—it’s a compliment!” From that time on, Angie and her family used the pig as a symbol of beauty. Today, she proudly wears a Pig Pin. At her father’s promotion he wore a Porky Pig tie under his uniform. To this day he displays Miss Piggy prominently in his office, and Angie’s friends send her all kinds of interesting pig souvenirs.

- 33 -

“Sticks and stones may break my bones—

But words can never hurt me!” (Unless I choose to be hurt!)

Fight Back Action Tip #4 When words sting, remind yourself that words have no meaning. Meaning is in you, not words.

Some may say that recognizing you are in a mental battle and defending yourself with fight-back strategies, gives you an unfair advantage! Take it!

-------------------------------

Headache pain is a serious issue costing North American businesses more than 17 billion dollars in lost annual production. The Michigan Head Pain and Neurological Institute conducted a study revealing half of headache sufferers miss at least two days of work a month. Doctors tell us that headaches happen in us—not to us, but how many times have you heard “I feel myself getting a headache.”?

Consider this: If you own a headache you can disown it. (Remember, we are discussing pain resulting from overemotional reactions here, not physical conditions.) Joel Saper, the head of the Institute, says job stress is a contributing cause. (Does this sound familiar?) Headache sufferer’s pain is real and they are not, in my view, weak or stupid. I am hopeful that the application of the principles in this book gives them access to way of relieving excessive or unnecessary pain stimulated by self-esteem’s dirty tricks.

While it is easy to blame outside events for our stress, this mindset restricts our ability to manage overemotional reactions. When I express this point of view, some people get themselves upset (their Inner-Horse?) accusing me of insensitivity. On the contrary, I am very sympathetic to headache sufferers and strongly suggest they follow their medical professional’s advice and their own instincts. Physical pain requires medical attention, but doctors tell me even headaches caused by chemical imbalance are intensified by emotional factors. Giving yourself a headache rather than getting one puts you back in the saddle!

A man told me his coworkers and his “difficult” customers “gave” him ulcers. The ulcer was real. Once he accepted the truth—that it was his ulcer—he changed his behavior and the ulcer disappeared. Remember, he sought medical attention for the ulcer (a smart thing to do), but it disappeared when he accepted full responsibility for his over-emotional reactions.

- 34 -

If this seems bizarre, rest assured it is more common than you might think. The disappearing ulcer is the logical consequence of natural laws. The air around you is filled with radio and television signals, but you can’t benefit from the technology until you tune in to each frequency. Similarly, these principles of self-direction and emotional control are at your disposal, if and when you decide to tap into their power.

- 35 -

Chapter Six ___________________________________________________________________________

“Have To, Need To, and Must” We owe a debt of gratitude to Albert Ellis for uncovering the musts in our lives. Since 1955 he has authored books and tapes on this important subject through his Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy, 45 East 65th St., New York, New York 10021-6593. I hope my brief summary inspires you to investigate his important work.

Individuals undermine their effectiveness by applying the system of self-esteem’s flawed logic with words such as should, have to, need to, ought to and must.

• I have to go to the gym and work out.

• We must improve our customer service.

• I can’t go out tonight—I have to study.

• He shouldn’t speak to me like that.

• You should pay more attention to your work.

• We had to downsize because of the economy.

• We have to raise taxes—we have no choice.

I realize this is dangerous territory. There are those who challenge this concept as picky, overstated, and impractical. Please consider what you read before letting overemotional reactions cloud your thinking.

Self-esteem psychology is obsessed with the past, as illustrated by John Bradshaw’s contention that everyone is the product of a dysfunctional family. Granted, some children have alcoholic, cruel, or drug-addicted parents; on

- 36 -

the other hand, most parents are responsible and sincere. Unfortunately, the “bad” ones get most of the publicity.

------------------------

Today’s behavior, while strongly influenced by the past, is the direct result of our present decisions. This is especially evident in the way we talk to ourselves about ourselves. When people say: “I have to go to the gym,” they imply they have no choice. Apart from the moral implications—lying to themselves dodges personal responsibility. Just as people who lie about their golf score cannot improve their golf game, lying to feel good about ourselves seems easier than pursuing improved personal performance. (Brilliant logic isn’t it?)

If you belong to a fitness club, do you have to work out? No! If you are in a position of power in government, do you have to raise taxes? No! Most people accept these contentions as true, but ask: “Why make such a big deal of it. What difference does it make if we use words such as ‘should’ and ‘have to’? It’s harmless. Besides, everyone knows what we mean.”

This reaction reminds me of the story of two cowboys sitting around a fire. One cowpoke pulls off his boots and sighs: “These boots sure are tight.” This goes on for days, until his partner asks: “If your boots are so tight, why don’t you get a bigger pair?” His buddy replies: “I could, but it feels so good when I take them off!” The application of self-esteem’s feel good philosophy may temporarily help you feel good about yourself—but it does little to improve the quality of your life. (If the shoe doesn’t fit—change it.)

I learned the importance of eliminating should and have to while teaching Dale Carnegie®classes. Instructors were in the habit of giving what I call “sermons” on the importance of supplemental reading. Some people still didn’t read the books we supplied. After discovering RET, (Rational Emotive Therapy) I changed my approach telling participants: “You don’t have to do the reading. You don’t have to do anything! It’s in your best interest to read the books. You’ll gain much more if you do—but you don’t have to read them.”

Participants did more reading. Other instructors asked: “How do you get people to do the reading?” They were surprised at my answer: “Tell them they don’t have to.”

Check your emotional reaction to these statements.

• What happens must happen.

• Things should be as they are.

• Everything is as it should be.

- 37 -

• People should act the way they do.

I’ll bet you felt a twinge in response to a least one of them! If you’re a student, do you have to do your homework? No, you do not, but it’s better if you do.

Worse than this kind of self-talk is the habit of telling others they should, have to, need to or must do something and accusing them of inflexibility when they do not comply to your demands.

Many trainers and writers of business books label the tendency to stay within a comfort zone as our “natural” resistance to change. I align with the comfort zone concept as developed by James W. Newman, who coined the term, but I prefer to avoid calling this zone “comfortable.” One man told me he drank a bottle of antacid each day to manage stress. Would you call this comfortable? Familiar is a better term for his actions. They became familiar to him but not comfortable. We do have a tendency to stay within our familiar zone. It is important to push ourselves beyond this zone, as Newman suggests, but, for most of us, the process is un comfortable.

When we hesitate to take reasonable risks, it is a common practice to blame our lack of willpower by saying: “I can’t help it, It’s not my fault. I just don’t have the willpower to change.” (Isn’t this where we began this discussion?) Applying raw willpower is a losing battle, while accepting full responsibility frees us from self-esteem’s blame-game grip.

I’ll have more to say about should, have to, and must, but, for now, listen for them. I’m sure you’ll be as shocked at how frequently they show up in daily conversations.

Fight Back Action Tip #5 When you fall into the demanding trap, challenge

your use of “should,” “have to”, and “must.”

At first, this process may be uncomfortable for you. The Inner Horse might give you some resistance. Remind yourself that you trained your Inner Horse — it is only doing what you taught it. The goal of the Inner Horse is to keep you exactly the way you are (habit). In and of itself, this is not bad or good, but when you are attempting to adjust your behavior and your thinking, the horse will kick up a quite fuss. Hold on to the reins and stay in the saddle!

- 38 -

Chapter Seven ___________________________________________________________________________

“Fix The Tricks” When I was a small boy, our family took Sunday afternoon trips just to explore. Soon, we were more familiar with the area than long-time residents. It was fun and, to this day, I enjoy exploring the unknown. We aren’t born with a predetermined Familiar Zone—we create it for ourselves and are responsible for its expansion.

A woman facing her fear of public speaking told me the impact panic had on her self-image. I admire the courage she displayed in facing her fears, but when she told me: “I have to do this!” I reminded her that no one forced this on her—she chose this path. A week later, she described how she replaced have to with I want to, breaking a lifetime habit of living with self-imposed shackles.

Inner-horse talk is bold and arrogant, since it comes from a worldview that the universe should act your way. Demands such as: “That shouldn’t happen. She shouldn’t say that. He has no right to do that to me!” support this worldview entrenching it in our minds.

Do you see the arrogance in this viewpoint? The assumptions behind this position would be accurate only if you did run the universe. The only universe you control is your own.

Dr. Ellis isolates three major irrational musts:

1. I must perform well and/or win the approval of important people in my life.

2. Others must treat me fairly and considerately and not unduly frustrate me.

3. My life conditions must give me the things I want and have to have in order to keep me from harm.24

- 39 -

Fight Back Action Tip #6 Rather than tell yourself you have no choice, take full responsibility for your actions. You create the life you

choose.

With this approach, you take pride in your accomplishments without blaming or giving all the credit to outside factors.

The false belief that feeling good about yourself is all-important is the most devious axiom of the system of self-esteem setting you up for unnecessary hurt, anger, and depression. You can eliminate most of your excessive stress by replacing musts with accurate, non-demanding words.

Check your emotional reaction to this scenario:

If I withdraw all the money from my bank account and write a check, should the bank bounce the check? (Yes.) Why? Because everything leading up to bouncing the check has happened. Should someone call me? Maybe, but there is no law of the universe (or banking) forcing them to call.

Mather’s Message:

God is not on vacation leaving you in charge.

We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior. Treating people as if they should know better positions us as innocent victims of their stupidity.

My father kept this slogan tacked to his office wall (I have no idea of its origin):

I KNOW YOU BELIEVE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU THINK I SAID, BUT I AM NOT SURE YOU REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU HEARD IS NOT WHAT I MEANT.

When first gaining access to seeing what we, at first do not see, it is useful to analyze other people’s behavior. Let’s see how this shows up in a business context.

- 40 -

One of my business associates got herself very upset when she discovered her car had been burglarized. Her briefcase containing $500 was gone. Of course she has a right to be upset, but what if she elevates her anger to declaring: “It’s awful, I can’t stand it! This shouldn’t happen. They have no right to rip people off like that! I shouldn’t have parked there.”

Does this fix her car and bring everything back? No, it doesn’t, so let’s challenge her reaction line by line.

This situation is “awful” compared to what? If everything reappeared, what would you trade? Your life? How about a broken fingernail? How bad is this?

“I can’t stand it!” You’ve stood experiences far worse than this one. You have every right to be upset, but rendering yourself useless for hours, days, or even weeks is self-defeating. It’s bad enough the thieves have your money, but now they hold the strings to your emotions!

“This shouldn’t happen.”

Yes, it should! The thieves walked up to your car, saw no one was around, and stole what they could. That’s what thieves do. They can help it, but they chose not to resist the temptation.

“I shouldn’t have parked there.” Yes, you should because you did! How could you park your car where it wasn’t? It must be where you put it. Maybe in the future you could be more careful, but you should have acted the way you did because you did. (How’s your Inner-horse handling this?)

“They had no right” Reread Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search For Meaning, or ask refugees what it is like to live without basic rights or freedoms. The behaviour of theives may be morally wrong to you and a clear violation of our country’s laws, but they do have the right to act as they did.

This is the toughest position to accept. Stick with it! Uncover your hidden use of should, have to, ought to, and must!

When you fall into the blaming trap—put things in perspective by singing Pinocchio’s song: “There are no strings on me.” When “bad” things happen, imagine them happening to someone else. If they asked for your advice, what would you tell them? I’ll bet your advice wouldn’t look like your own reactions.

- 41 -

Remember, we are dealing what is said here (even in your head), not what is intended. By listening from the perspective that language creates, it is possible to see what may, at first, be invisible to you. Meaning is in people and not words, but words do mean something. Carefully choosing appropriate words gives each of us a clear connection to the life we want to create for ourselves.

- 42 -

Chapter Eight ___________________________________________________________________________

“Compared to What?” If esteem is a comparison, to what (or whom) does the system of self-esteem suggest we compare ourselves? Sadly, the system of self-esteem is built on a number of inaccurate assumptions.

Furniture salespeople show their customers several pieces in the good-better-best sequence. The first one is for comparison purposes (Good). The next choice (Better) is closer to the customer’s needs. Finally, the salesperson shows the (Best) choice—the one that best suits the customer’s needs.

In choosing self-esteem we are less fortunate. Mark Ritchie, a successful commodities trader, fell victim to self-esteem’s false comparisons. In God In The Pits 1 he writes:

“It wasn’t just the realization that I genuinely thought myself better than others, but it was the fact that my goal in life was to improve myself to the point that it would, in fact, be true; so I could, with honesty, face myself in the mirror and say that I was good, better, maybe even best—all relative terms that can only be defined in relation to other people. Even then, some objective measurement must be employed; quantity of money, power, influence, sexual attractiveness. Incongruous as it seemed, my life goal was to become stuck on myself, the very thing everyone agreed to be the worst of qualities.” 27

Fickle self-esteem is easily influenced by questionable comparisons. Lovers proclaim: “He/she makes me feel good about myself”—until their lover rejects them sending self-esteem spiraling!

If I feel good about myself because I achieved one goal and fail to accomplish another, my desire for self-esteem takes me on an emotional

- 43 -

roller-coaster ride. In Further Along The Road Less Traveled, Scott Peck suggests: “There is a difference between insisting that we regard ourselves as important (which is self-love) and insisting that we always feel good about ourselves (which is synonymous with constantly preserving our self-esteem.)” 28

Peck goes on to say that an excessive need to feel good about ourselves is unhealthy. As a healthy alternative, he recommends the Alcoholics Anonymous slogan: “I’m not okay, you’re not okay, but that’s okay.”

Young hockey players are easily discouraged if they compare themselves to superstars like Wayne Gretzky. A realistic comparison is between his first day and theirs, but even if they could make such a comparison, it’s still flawed. Just because they are as competent on their first day as Gretzky was on his, does that mean they will develop the same competence? In order to make an accurate comparison of one person to the next, you need to know their histories, backgrounds, emotional makeups, past memories and assumptions, current emotional states, etc. It’s impossible to get all this information; therefore, all comparisons are guesses. Any form of comparative self-rating interferes with problem-solving, but we endlessly ruminate rather than follow a performance improvement plan.

Keep your self (esteem) out of the picture. You are not your résumé! If you insist on making comparisons, check the accuracy of your data.

Unfortunately sports is not the only sector victimized by self-esteem’s flawed logic. Literature aimed at salespeople reflects the depth of its influence. New salespeople sometimes accuse top producers of getting “special considerations” or “lucky breaks” contending: “When they (more experienced salespeople) sell, it seems easy, but when I try it’s hard.” Using self-esteem’s logic, their Inner-horse whines: “Because I’m not as good as they are—I’ll never be any good ... IF I were cut out for selling, I’d be able to do this as easily as they do. SINCE I can’t, THAT MEANS I just don’t have what it takes.”

This is the classic IF-THEN-THAT MEANS assumption we learned as teenagers. Most of us remember this self-talk script …

“IF they really cared for me, THEN they would remember my birthday. . . SINCE they did not remember, THAT MEANS they don’t care!”

As illogical as this seems, if the first statement were true: (“If they really cared for me, they would remember my birthday”) then the second statement holds up. Manipulative, uncaring individuals sometimes remember birthdays, and loving, caring ones occasionally forget. As young people, we don’t think this through entrenching the IF-THEN-THAT MEANS mind game.

- 44 -

When I ask salespeople: “What is your biggest challenge?” they reply: “Fear of rejection.” Salespeople express self-esteem’s nonsense with a prevailing view that says:

“Selling shouldn’t be so tough. Competitors shouldn’t cut prices, and it is unfair when they do. The company shouldn’t pay for performance. They should give me the ‘security’ of a salary. After all, why should I be penalized just because people don’t want to buy this stuff?”

Once performance is tied to self-esteem, when salespeople succeed they feel good about themselves increasing their motivation. But what happens when they don’t achieve their quota? Their self-esteem spirals.

Some sales managers and “motivational” speakers blame poor performance on attitude. A positive attitude is helpful, but not essential. For example, some people exercise vigorously and love every minute of it. Others dislike the process but improve their fitness level just the same. Attitude is the result of something—not its cause.

Criminals given lighter sentences because of an “attitude problem” illustrate the ramifications of this misconception. A Canadian court acquitted a man of assault ruling: “He was too drunk to know what he was doing.” Relieving people of personal responsibility for their behavior is frightening and a dangerous application of the system of self-esteem. Even those who commit crimes under the influence of drugs are responsible for their actions. They can help it! It’s important to recognize the seductive and dangerous effect of such misdirected blame. Holding people accountable for their actions, despite protest to the contrary, is fair.

Several years ago, I did some work with first offenders —victims of the self-esteem scam. A common theme was:

“I’m messed up. I’ve always been messed up!”

Notice the “I am” declarations. They cannot undo the past, but can change how they talk to themselves about themselves. If you could play back everything you say to yourself about yourself, would you take that kind of talk from your best friend? (I expect not!) Even people who never swear in public tell me their Inner-Horse swears at them. How’s that for a double standard?

----------------------------------------

What most people call low self-esteem is really an inability to accept people as they are—warts and all. Ken Keyes Jr. puts it best:

“Love everyone unconditionally—especially yourself.” 30

- 45 -

Excessive self-consciousness (self-esteem) shackles us with fears of humiliation, embarrassment, or rejection. What a “rush” to realize that trials and tribulations are not sent to break us but to make us! By challenging self-esteem’s assumptions, we can turn despair into hope, depression into self-discovery, and anger into positive, constructive energy.

- 46 -

Chapter Nine ___________________________________________________________________________

“Expectation” Every year, I see hundreds of people state their goals in front of their peers saying: “What I hope to get is….” Think of something you want—self-confidence, good health, wealth, happiness. What goes through your mind as you hope or wish for it? Are you excited? Optimistic? Apprehensive? Here’s an example:

“I hope I can improve my financial situation this year. It would be nice to stop worrying about money.”

If you describe your wishes this way, how does your mind respond? I sense a “yes, but” coming on! Yes, that’s a nice picture, but money isn’t everything. Jobs are hard to find, and no one is getting raises these days. My chances of getting a better paying job or more money are not good, and taxes and expenses are going up, not down. I’ll have less money to work with next year. Self-talk habits are tricky, aren’t they? Hopes and wishes set up comparisons. First, you dream about the possibilities, and then your mind creates the opposite scenario. Which picture will your mind reproduce? When I hear people say they hope their confidence improves as a result of participating in a seminar, I tell them to replace hope with expectation. Isn’t it reasonable to expect results? When you drop your keys, you expect them to hit the floor. You’d be shocked if they floated off into space.

Fight Back Action Tip #7

- 47 -

Replace hopes or wishes with expectations. Babies eat soft, mushy food but grow out of that as soon as possible. Self-esteem is a soft, feel-good philosophy. Even people who turn up their noses at baby food sometimes pay little attention to the mush they feed their minds. Phoney positive thinking and useless buzzwords produce questionable results. Genuine optimism confronts the world with eyes wide open. Standing between railway tracks repeating the affirmation: “It’s won’t hurt. It won’t hurt,” isn’t positive thinking—it’s crazy! Self-esteem’s affirmations are equally unrealistic and void of substance. Concentrate on self-reliance, self-confidence, and self-respect—not self-esteem. Will power is not the answer, nor is demanding the world, and the people in it, respond the way we want. In Three Magic Words, U.S. Andersen uses the attraction of money to clarify this important distinction:

“You can’t will anything. This does not mean a doctrine of resignation, far from it. It simply means that you recognize that it is not you who does the creating; it is a power greater than you are. This power creates what you believe and manifests to you what you are prepared to accept. Be sure you understand this. All your will for money will avail you nothing, for that is the wrong use of spiritual law. Money will be created in your experience only if you realize and know that there is abundance all about you and you accept it. In other words, you don’t demand money; you don’t force money with the idea that there is not enough to go around and you don’t have enough of it. You accept money; there is a great abundance of it about you, and you know that... Expect and accept. Know and experience.Be positive and thankful.” 33

Learn to feel good about your progress — not about yourself.

- 48 -

Chapter Ten

___________________________________________________________________________

“It Feels Wrong” Once emotions get the best of them, some people rant, rave, yell, and scream, while others mask their anger— and then explode. There is no single, predictable way to respond to stress, nor is there a universal stress threshold. We all have the same equipment; the difference lies in our memory of experiences, and the emotions we attach to them. Since we recreate emotional “hurts” based on comparisons, emotions are uniquely personal.

When something bad happens, we search for an appropriate reaction so fast that most people assume outside events cause our response. They don’t. Stranger still, physical reactions generally precede emotions. The next time you feel depressed ask yourself:

“Am I acting depressed because I feel depressed, or am I feeling depressed because I am acting depressed?”

For some people, this may seem like a new concept, but over 100 years ago William James wrote:

“Our natural way of thinking about emotions is that the mental perception of some fact excites the mental affection called the emotion, and that this latter state of mind gives rise to the bodily expression. My theory, on the contrary, is that…we feel sorry because we cry, angry because we strike, afraid because we tremble.”34

Dorothea Brande suggests: “Act as if it is impossible to fail!...Those fears, anxieties and apprehensions are far more than negative things. By acting as if they were important, you endowed them with importance, you turned them into realities.”35

- 49 -

This is hard to accept. We insist: “I’m acting this way because of how I feel! ”

A man says something to a woman; she slaps his face. The physical pain dissipates, but what about his emotional reaction? Perhaps he’ll laugh it off, or spend days, even weeks, ruminating about it. His feelings are associated with the slap, but not caused by it. This realization is significant, since feelings are memories of old emotions—often inappropriate to what is happening here and now.

Suppose a person flies off the handle at the slightest provocation. This may seem highly inappropriate to you, but it makes sense to that person (Private Logic.) His or her reaction is based on a recreated set of physical stimuli—from as far back as birth itself.

Feeling good about yourself—the goal of self-esteem—may be more harmful than we imagine, especially if used to protect us from “painful” growth experiences.

Nathaniel Branden says: “Positive self-esteem is a cardinal requirement of a fulfilling life.”36 I contend that ignoring self-esteem psychology is a better path to a fulfilling life. It is possible to reverse the damage inflicted by the system of self-esteem, so let’s fight back with courage.

We begin by challenging a phrase I’m sure you’ve heard often— “I’m having a bad day.” How many events constitute a bad day? Most people believe negative events are “terrible” or “devastating.” Really? Life unfolds one event at a time. Remnants of previous situations do influence a person’s judgment, but it is important to keep things in perspective.

When situations get overwhelming, rate each experience on a scale of one to a hundred. (One represents a minor irritation while one hundred is the worst possible scenario.) It helps if you devise a scale using physical things happening to your body. For example, you might label a cut as a ten, a laceration requiring stitches twenty, and anything over fifty permanent losses. Using this scale, how serious would an experience be to entice you to give up one of your arms—for good?

Suppose you get yourself upset after making a serious business mistake. Everyone knows you goofed. How bad is it? Typically most people react by labelling the experience as “terrible, awful, or horrendous.” Feeling upset is natural—and appropriate—but obsessing is harmful in many ways.

The illustration on the facing page depicts a typical bad day. First the person oversleeps. They rate this sixty. Now they’re late for an appointment—seventy. They blow the appointment and their boss yells at them—seventy-five. Someone doesn’t show up—ninety. Each experience is frustrating,

- 50 -

irritating, and bothersome; but piling one on top of the other elevates them to awful or horrible.

Try the Body Scale. Ask yourself: “How bad is this? What would I trade for this event not to happen? Would I give up a hand (seventy-five), suffer a laceration requiring stitches (forty-five), or simply a bruised arm? (Ten).”

Taking one event at a time leaves room for frustration, but not enough anger to undermine performance. The Body Scale creates realistic comparisons overpowering exaggerated Private Logic. Memorize your own scores. What’s a ten? Twenty? Thirty? Draw your body scale on a sheet of paper or index card. Carry it with you and monitor your progress.

Don’t let the simplicity of The Body Scale fool you. It’s a powerful way to keep emotions in perspective even though some people want to combine several events, pushing their scores over one-hundred. If you find yourself falling for this “horse-stuff,” lump all the events together and ask: “What would I trade—a cut, laceration, or an arm— to make all these situations disappear?”

Teach this system to others—especially children, and you’ll discover an interesting phenomenon—everyone has their own concept of “terrible, awful, and horrible.”

Words such as “awful, terrible, disastrous, and horrendous,” are symptomatic of the Inner-Horse rearing its hoofs! We rarely experience truly “terrible” events—except in our minds. Ask several people to describe how they “feel” while under extreme stress and some will describe a shortness of breath, while others get the shakes. Many people report a freezing sensation or hyperventilate with no discernable physical cause. Under pressure, asthmatics sometimes show symptoms of an attack. Epileptics say some seizures are stress related. One woman told me she remembered having a seizure every time she heard her parents fighting! Did their fight cause her seizure? (I’ll let you answer.)

To the surprise of their fans, many celebrities experience severe panic attacks. Hugh Downs suffered microphone fright as a rookie broadcaster gripping his lapels so the papers wouldn’t rustle. Willard Scott, NBC-TV’s weatherman, suffered panic attacks before going on the air.

My first hour as a broadcaster was both exhilarating and frightening. I practiced for months with great anticipation, but when it came time to go on the air, my voice quivered, my throat got dry, and I could hardly speak.

We aren’t born with these fears, nor do our bodies have fear or anger receptors. Instead, we have nerves sensitive to heat, cold, pressure, and

- 51 -

physical pain. The brain has no touch receptors, so it stimulates other parts of the body to recreate old, remembered sensations. We smile, laugh, get sweaty palms, feel sick, hot or cold and associate each combination to either “good” or “bad” feelings.

No one sees a feeling—but some feelings are directly attached to predictable body postures. When I ask: “If I feel depressed or rejected, how should I stand?” People tell me to slump my shoulders, look down, sigh, or shuffle my feet. You can make yourself feel tired or depressed simply by maintaining the appropriate body posture. Dale Carnegie’s suggestion: “If you act enthusiastic—you’ll become enthusiastic,” reverses this process. In context, he refers to “act” as “demonstrate” – not as in pretend. Critics claim this borders on delusion, but what’s wrong with facing life with courage and optimism? Since your mind plays tricks on you anyway—why not take charge? The process is the same whether you deepen your depression or heighten your enthusiasm—it’s up to you.

Visitors try local cuisine, and their taste buds sense sweet, sour, bitter, or salty foods. Once they learn what they are eating, some tourists spit the food out in disgust. Moments earlier they enjoyed the taste—now they feel nauseous. Since the food hasn’t changed, their reaction is internal.

In public buildings, thermostats are placed under lock and key since individuals have their own definition of “hot” and “cold.” Emotions clash when one person contend it’s “roasting in here,” while another insists its “freezing.” Experts label extreme emotions as involuntary and doctors call individuals experiencing such attacks “sick” (neurotic, paranoid, or schizophrenic).

Managing emotions is more than a psychological problem—poor stress management manifests itself through the physical body. According to the Director of the National Institute of Mental Health, Lewis L. Judd, M.D., one person in five (one in four in Canada) suffers mental illness at some point in his or her life. He estimates nearly 13% of people in the United States suffer from a mental disorder. Judd suggests that 10 million Americans suffer from some form of depression; 12 million suffer phobias of some kind, while 1.5 million are schizophrenic, 2.4 million suffer obsessive-compulsive disorders, and 1.5 million have panic disorder. Collecting statistical data is easy; dealing with the problem is not. Serious medical issues need professional attention, but some pain and suffering is simply a reaction to self-esteem’s unrealistic demands.

When individuals feel they have to get approval from important people in their lives, they create hurt. Based on what you know about feelings, isn’t it interesting that we use the same word for physical and emotional pain? A cut

- 52 -

finger hurts. When we don’t get the approval we think we deserve, we create hurt feelings. After a cut heals, we can recreate the feelings of anger, embarrassment, or shame associated with the cut, but, by using our mind alone, we cannot recreate the physical pain. It is gone for good!

Develop ways to recognize your unique body signals. Under extreme pressure, do you get hot under the collar? Does your chest tighten, hands shake, legs twitch, or back get rigid? What is happening in your body? It is up to you to determine if the danger is real.

Remember Dr. Ellis’s irrational expectation # 1:

“I must perform well and win the approval of important people in my life.”

Think carefully. If I think you are competent, but you don’t think I do— isn’t your reaction the same if I really didn’t think you were competent, and you believed me?

Reread the previous sentence carefully.

Your behavior is based on what you think I think.

Fight Back Action Tip #8 When you feel excessive pressure for perfection or approval, remind yourself you want people to like you, but they don’t have to, nor do you (or anyone

else) have to be perfect. In a file labelled “Fool Things I’ve Done,” Dale Carnegie recorded his mistakes—especially deviations from the principles in his books. Benjamin Franklin kept a similar diary. It’s a worthwhile idea, so here are some entries from my FTID file:

Several years ago, a client hired me to conduct a time management workshop. I showed up a day early! (Fortunately it wasn’t a day late!) A few months later, a friend called and asked: “Dave, where are you?” I replied: “I’m in Hamilton—why?” He told me sixty people were waiting for me. I was shocked. I recorded their meeting in my calendar for the next day. That one hour drive was the longest of my life. How would you feel if a speaker turned up over an hour late? I was embarrassed and angry with myself. I thought of Dale Carnegie’s advice: “If you lay an egg—step back and admire it!” The first thing I did was tell them the

- 53 -

mistake was mine. I apologized telling them: “If I were you, I’d be thinking ‘This better be good.’ I want you to know that I’m going to do the best meeting of my life!”

They were very understanding. One person told me he appreciated that I didn’t overdo the apology. I felt better, but they didn’t invite me back. I still feel embarrassed thinking about this experience, but if I get myself over-upset thinking about it, that’s my problem.

Jack Nicholas says: “Even at the highest level of golf, perfect shots are mostly accidental and extremely rare.” 36 He went on to explain that, as a rookie, self-imposed pressures interfered with his game more than any other factor. All of us are human and fallible. We don’t have to be perfect—in spite of what our Inner-horse tells us.

Monitor your mistakes and imperfections in order to set realistic performance improvement goals. You cannot change the past, but you can create a better future. With this approach you may not always feel good about yourself, but you will significantly improve your performance. What a feeling!

_____________________________________________________

“You are not responsible for the programming you picked up in childhood. However, as an adult, you are 100 percent responsible for fixing it” .38

Ken Keyes Jr. The Power Of Unconditional Love

1990 Love Line Books ____________________________________________________

- 54 -

Chapter Eleven ___________________________________________________________________________

“Hurt, Angry, Depressed” Self-esteem’s most destructive consequence is hurt, anger, and depression. Chemical imbalance (endogenous depression) requiring medical attention is not the subject of this chapter. Our target is over-emotional reactions to situational stress (reactive depression.) Most people want to free themselves from unnecessary hurt, anger, or depression, and yet they continue to apply self-esteem’s techniques, intensifying these harmful emotions.

Anger is a “for-show” emotion and destructive when carried to extremes. The Inner-Horse (out-of-control emotional reactions) rears its “hoofs” at the most inappropriate times! While doing my banking, I overheard a woman declare: “What are we, chopped liver? How can he just walk up and get service when I’ve been waiting here over ten minutes?” The teller politely tried to tell the customer that the person supposedly cutting in line was dealing with her further down the counter. Let’s guess what the customer’s “Inner-Horse” might say: (Private Logic.) “Who does he think he is? I’m just as important. Besides, I have lots to do today. I can’t spend all my time standing around here. They should have enough tellers available to serve their customers. Well, I’m not going to take this anymore. I’ll just give them a piece of my mind.”

Anger masks hurt. When people don’t get what they think they deserve, they shout, pout, or withdraw. A spouse walks around the house giving the “silent treatment.” When asked “What’s wrong?” They reply: “Nothing!” Their partner asks again: “Something’s wrong, what is it?” “If you don’t know. . .” (I’m not going to tell you!) Their Inner-Horse demands: “You should know what’s wrong! It’s awful that you don’t. If you really cared about me you’d know what you did wrong.” Expressing every emotion is ill-

- 55 -

advised; but masking true feelings with anger or the silent treatment eventually tears a hole in any relationship.

Let’s say you agree to meet with a friend who is fired from his job. He acts as you might expect: “It’s awful, it’s terrible, I can’t stand it. How will I ever be able to look my friends in the eye again? It will be months, even years, before I get another job. How will I support my family? This is a disaster! I’m such a loser!”

What would you do? How about telling them that for years, you’ve felt he was a “loser” and you’re ending the relationship now. Would you respond this way? I hope not! Let’s reverse roles. What happens when you are the person feeling badly about yourself? Most of us moan and groan, sending ourselves into a nose-dive. When others try to reassure us, we appreciate their encouragement but still feel like a loser. Some people’s Inner-Horse tells them: “You must be perfect.” By insisting on such perfection, they establish standards no one—including themselves—can match. Self-aggrandizement at its worst manifests itself in an excessive drive for perfection, which can lead to self-destruction. This sounds unlikely, but consider those who get close to success and sabotage themselves. A better approach would be to convert a need for perfection into a strong desire to excel. In contrast, there are those who try to make themselves look good at the expense of others. Clearly, this is a manifestation of self-esteem’s silly comparisons. These people assume: “By making others look bad—I’ll look good.” Both problems are self-imposed.

Fight Back Action Tip #9 Heighten your awareness of how you talk to yourself about yourself. If it helps, keep a journal. If you could tape record your self-talk, the results might shock you. For example: “There you go again. You always fly off the handle. Now look what you’ve done. You’ve humiliated yourself again.” or “She is such a jerk! Look at that. She is lying again. What do I have to do to keep that woman from shooting off her mouth in public?” or “He’s such a two-faced jerk! In front of

- 56 -

the boss, he’s all smiles—now look at him. It’s disgusting!” or “It’s not my fault people are such jerks!” Here’s an example of how externally oriented personalities blame outside “causes” for clearly inner problems: A third baseman gets a relentless verbal bashing from an obnoxious fan. Each game he suffers through taunts. He controls himself until the last game when, after a particularly insulting tirade, he storms into the stands, puts his glove on the fan’s hand shouting: “If you’re so darn smart, you go and play.” The fan thinks: “Here’s my big break!” The first ball hit his way goes between his legs. Another one slams into his chest. On the next hit, he throws up his glove, and the ball hits it and falls to the ground. The fan grovels around for it and throws it over the first baseman’s head. The new “third baseman” picks himself up, brushes himself off, and jams the glove back on the pro’s hand screaming: “You’ve screwed this position up so bad nobody can play it!” Blamers whine: “It’s not my fault? She/he made me do it.” or “It was the pressures at work that did this to me.” Some blamers are dangerous. Extremely narcissistic people seldom commit suicide; instead some of them murder the person they blame for their pain, rationalizing: “It’s their fault my life is such a mess! They did this to me!” Betty Broderick murdered her ex-husband and his new wife because “he stole my life.” An interviewer asked: “Why didn’t you kill yourself?” She answered: “There were no more bullets.” Her reaction illustrates how narcissistic demands can lead to self-destruction. “I defined who I was by so many things; by my children, by my husband, by my home, by my friends, by what I wore. Isn’t that what we all do? And layer by layer, by layer, I had to let go or release or watch be taken from me all those things until there was nothing left.” 39 Contrast this with Victor Frankl’s perspective: “All the familiar goals are snatched away. What alone remains is the ‘last of human freedoms’—the ability to choose one’s attitude in a given circumstance.” 40

Accepting ourselves and others as fallible allows for irritation at mistakes, minimizing excessive feelings of hurt, anger, or depression. We have the choice to let external factors run our lives or take control of our Inner-Universe. With this in mind, here are ten two-letter words that say it best:

If It Is To Be It Is Up To Me!

- 57 -

- 58 -

Chapter Twelve ___________________________________________________________________________

“Peeling The Onion” The mind is the final frontier and, sadly, we know more about the outside world than what goes on between our ears. I don’t pretend to be an expert, so my explanation is somewhat symbolic designed as a road map, not a mirror image. Analyzing a process step-by-step is like peeling an onion one layer at a time, and although it seems slow, it helps a person learn what is happening in real time. Most of what happens in our mind occurs so quickly we are unaware of it. Slowing the process down gives us an opportunity to isolate and change counterproductive habits.

Albert Ellis introduced the A,B,C formula in 1955. It begins with what he calls an Activating Event. To illustrate, imagine two people agreeing to meet at a restaurant. One of them arrives early, orders a coffee and waits…and waits…and waits. If we could read his/her mind, we’d hear:

“What a jerk! She is always late. I can never depend on her. Doesn’t she realize I have better things to do than wait around all day? All he/she thinks about is herself. Just wait—she’ll come flying in here, all out of breath and apologize, and I’ll have to listen to her detailed explanation. Maybe I’ll just give her a piece of my mind this time. I don’t have to take this…”

The other person arrives.

“Hi. Sorry I’m late...”

And the person who has been waiting says, “That’s okay.”

- 59 -

Some people insist: “I would never let anyone treat me that way.” Still, similar events happen every day. Rewind the “tape.” The Activating Event [A] is the person arriving late. (Figure 1) The person waiting processes this information through several filters.

Filter One: People should be on time for their appointments.

This is the ideal model to which they compare what is happening. (Notice the comparison.)

Filter Two: What does this incident mean?

[B] is this person’s individual belief system based on the past. Private Logic manages emotions by stimulating sense organs, thereby recreating stored “feelings.”

Remember, this is not everything that occurs—just the highlights. Proof is personal. Confirm this information with your own observations and analysis. As you progress to Figure 2, keep Private Logic in mind.

Using their capacity to make comparisons, individuals decide what emotion matches deviations from their ideal should be—what is appropriate to [B: Private Logic] not [A: Outside Events.]

They tell themselves. “He/she is late. People should be on time. What does this mean? HMMM, they must think I am not worth much. After all, if they thought I was worthwhile, they’d at least call me. I’m fair and reasonable. If they called I would understand. They haven’t called; therefore they must think I’m a nobody—not even worth a call.”

You might think this sounds silly and illogical, but these mind games occur at blinding speeds!

Figure 3 completes the process. The person selects an appropriate emotion using their comparisons.

“If they treat me like a “nobody” I have every right to feel irritated! No, this is the fifth time they’ve done this to me— I should be really agitated. No, agitated means I am slightly inconvenienced. This is not a minor occurrence! It’s terrible that they keep me waiting like this. They must really think they’re something. (Indignation)—I’m really ticked off!!”

- 60 -

Reaction time is instantaneous, and the body gets hot. Hot feelings stimulate the mind to intensify anger, creating our own little world and behaving sensibly towards it. What’s wrong with this picture?

The flaw is Filter One. Should people always be on time? No, but if we passively wait, we’ll just get ourselves upset. Even if we put on a happy face—the fire still burns inside! Decisions at this point appear logical—but are distorted through Filter One.

Our attempts to control our emotions often end with disappointing results. It’s much like a boiler without a safety valve—eventually it explodes. Constantly blowing off steam wastes precious energy, so we need to build a bigger “boiler” that can handle the pressure.

Suppose you feel uneasy about a conversation. Do you express your concerns? If you let the situation go by without comment, it haunts you while irrationally elevating your feelings gets you into unnecessary trouble. It is better to express your emotions quickly and accurately before the Inner-Horse gets hold of them. If you let this happen, you become the crazy one! It’s better to replace interpretations of other attitudes with accurate descriptions of your thoughts and feelings.

Replace:

“What is the matter with our sales force? They don’t care about our goals. They’re just not committed.”

With:

“I’m disappointed in the latest sales figures. I know we are more capable than our numbers reflect.”

Learn to uncover hidden subliminal suggestions. For instance, insisting to a child, “Don’t spill your milk,” usually ends with spilt milk! The intended message is: “Drink your milk carefully,” but the embedded suggestion is: “Spill your milk.”

Self-talk is equally confusing. “Don’t get flustered in front of the boss (like you always do)” plants the suggestion to freeze up. “Don’t let people intimidate you. Don’t worry so much about money.” These and hundreds of suggestions create the opposite of their intentions. Check you self-talk. How many negative suggestions do you give yourself?

Fight Back Action Tip #10

- 61 -

Replace over-generalizing (“I’m always messing up”) with accurate descriptions of events.

When you fall into the labelling trap, remember:

Label files—not people! Many people find it difficult to manage their self-talk reacting with: “This is stupid. Who needs to be so analytical?” There are even those who suggest managing impression—keeping overemotional reactions in check—represent a “Mr. Spock” (unfeeling) approach. This is false. Learning how your mind works and using it to your advantage makes sense—after all it’s your mind. Eliminating unrealistic comparisons and over-generalized labels, blocks unnecessary grief stimulated by Private Logic’s demanding approach. Life is challenging enough without the extra baggage of self-esteem’s dirty tricks.

- 62 -

Chapter Thirteen

___________________________________________________________________________

“Challenge Flawed Assumptions” There are things we cannot control, but we try to control them anyway. There are things we think we cannot control, but we can. There are things we can control, but we don’t. In spite of what we are told, emotions are within our control, since we create them.

We cannot control [A]ctivating Events. If one person believes another should be on time, insisting that his/her anger is caused by the other person’s tardiness denies personal choice. If a person is stuck in traffic, everything leading up to being late happens. If he/she must be on time (according to the other person’s Private Logic), laws of nature are broken. There is no magic, so they should be exactly where they are — in traffic.

Challenging self-esteem’s flawed assumptions keeps you focused on things you can control. The point of attack is [B]—our Belief System. When we control what we can, (self-talk and our interpretation of what happened) much of life’s self-inflicted stress dissipates.

It’s time to revisit have to, need to, and must. Look up the word should in your dictionary. Should is an imperative requirement synonymous with must or have to. If something must happen, it absolutely must—no exceptions. Using this definition, is it an imperative requirement that people be on time? I don’t think so. Accurately describing events is an important step towards reducing the emotional price we pay for overreacting to life’s challenging events.

Don’t misunderstand; I’m not suggesting excessive or compulsive behavior here. I am proposing the reasonable application of self-directed behavior. After all, it’s self-esteem’s excesses that created the problem in the first place. Accepting personal responsibility is the most challenging aspect of

- 63 -

creating the life you choose. The moment you accept full responsibility for your behavior, you become much more relaxed and productive.

When you fall into the demanding trap, challenge your use of should, have to, and must.

• Replace: “Should, have to, and must” with: “It is better if...” • Replace: “We have to improve our customer service.” with: “It is important that we improve customer service.” • Replace: “I have to work out at the gym.” with: “I choose to keep myself in shape.” Here’s some homework. Find better ways to say:

“I have to get my car washed. I have to do my taxes. I have to go to a meeting today.”

Stress is normal in an active life, but why have more stress than is necessary? By converting the power of stress to useful energy and motivation, you produce the same (or better) — minus excessive stress or panic. Being stressed out is not the natural result of a busy life. It is the result of self-esteem’s unrealistic expectations and demands and a by-product of our inner self talk.

When I park my car, where should it be? (Exactly where it is.) If I park under a No Parking sign and my car gets towed, should I have parked there? (Yes!) Why? (Because I did!)

Critics say: “You shouldn’t park in a No Parking Zone.” (Careful, this is self-esteem’s most popular trap!) Is it better (responsible, law-abiding behavior) if I park elsewhere? (Yes.) If I park in a No Parking Zone and my vehicle is spotted by a Parking Enforcement Officer, it will be ticketed. Should they give me a ticket? (Yes!)

Some people get themselves upset, demanding:

“You shouldn’t park there!”

Their demanding approach gets them upset but does little to influence anyone else’s behavior.

- 64 -

A few years ago, 12 people died in the United States because they were crushed by soft drink machines. When the machine didn’t dispense their drinks, they got themselves over-upset, and they pounded on the machine until it fell on them.

Here’s a more common occurrence. Someone waiting for a commuter train looks at his watch and says:

“The train should be here in five minutes.”

This is harmless, isn’t it? (No.) What if the train isn’t in the station 15 minutes later? Then the person says, “That train should have been here 10 minutes ago! It’s terrible! I’m going to be late for the most important appointment of my life.”

Perhaps you wouldn’t throw this kind of a temper tantrum, but I’m sure you’ve seen others do it. Unfortunately, the tantrums we throw in our heads create all kinds of unnecessary pain and suffering.

While you are over-upset is not the best time to learn to manage emotions. Unimportant events — such as before the train arrives —provide opportunities to apply new or different responses like:

“The train is scheduled to arrive in five minutes.”

This seems like an insignificant adjustment, until the train is late. Now, your reaction is in perspective; your head is clear, leaving you better equipped to solve the problem. When you arrive at your appointment, you’re in control. Isn’t this a better scenario? Consider each approach and judge for yourself. It’s easy to attack the first approach by picking at certain words or describing it as “unfeeling, cold, or impractical—even inhuman.” Even though an overemotional approach feels natural and justified, look at the difference in the result.

Here’s another way to approach this situation:

“That train should be late (because it is). I don’t like it. Other things have happened that are far worse than this, and I stood them. Watch me handle this situation.”

Fight Back Action Tip #11

Here’s the model designed to create a self-directed response to what life hands you: “This

- 65 -

situation should have happened because it did. I’m irritated by it, but other things have happened that are far worse. Watch me handle this one too.”

By examining your self-talk, you uncover many abuses of must, should, and have to. Here is an incomplete list:

• I shouldn’t have to wait in line this way.

• “They” should have more staff on duty.

• People shouldn’t leave garbage lying around.

•The government shouldn’t raise taxes.

• I shouldn’t eat that extra piece of pie.

None of these pass our imperative requirement test. Let’s review our A, B, C’s. (Thanks to Dr. Ellis.)

A — Activating event: Long lines at the coffee counter B — Belief (What I think it means) C1— Consequence One (Emotional reaction) C2— Consequence Two (Behavioural response) D — Dispute B

“I shouldn’t have to wait in line.” Yes you should. Why? Because you are. You don’t have to stay, but what are the consequences of leaving? Maybe you won’t get your coffee. How bad is that? Is it worth the hassle of waiting? What about the consequences of losing your temper or the impression you leave? If you follow your feelings—stimulated by overemotional Private Logic — you may do something you’ll regret — another by-product of the system of self-esteem. Remember, I am referring to emotionally overreacting. Shame is a useful benchmark only if it holds you accountable to predetermined values. Numbing your social or spiritual conscious is wrong and dangerous, but ridding yourself of unnecessary “bad” feelings about yourself is one way to create the life you choose. Just in case you still think I’m suggesting all shame is bad, let’s look at the constructive use of shame. I heard a man tell a story of his days in Germany after World War II. Berlin was in ruins, leaving many people homeless. Cigarettes were scarce, and young soldiers threw down butts, crushing them

- 66 -

before a street person could pick them up. My friend recounts how he miscalculated, accidentally stepping on a person’s hand. This was a significant emotional event — one that shaped this young soldier’s life. His voice trembles as he says: “I never forgot the feeling as I stepped on his hand. From that time on, I treated everyone with supreme respect.”

I heard the story at least forty years after it happened, and it still had strong emotion attached to it! Each person’s unique experiences haunt them — some positively and some negatively.

Professional basketball star A.C. Green suggests to young people: “You are responsible for everything you do in life.” He didn’t say they are responsible for everything — just everything they do —an important distinction.

I strongly encourage the development of self-reliance and mutual respect. This thinking emphasizes empathy over sympathy as illustrated by the story of a man who comes upon a person considering suicide by jumping off a bridge. Empathy means discouraging them from jumping. Sympathy is jumping in with them.

Letting our emotions (Inner-Horse) run rampant soon leads us to regret, a luxury the human heart cannot afford. Life is too short to spend much time looking backwards. A sensible alternative is to manage our emotions before they get out of hand. A professional football player told me: “Professional football skills are not natural.” After all, if a 250 pound opponent is about to crash into you. The natural instinct is to step aside, saying: “Do you want this part of the field? It’s yours.” Athletic skills develop through work and practice. Challenging a lifetime of self-esteem’s dirty tricks may feel unnatural at first. It’s worth the effort to crash through what feels wrong and to act in such a way that we produce the outcomes we want to create for ourselves.

Contrast this with anyone trying something once and then whining about the sacrifice. I’d advise them to observe small children learning to walk and talk. Quitting is not part of their Private Logic — yet. If it were, many otherwise healthy adults would be crawling about on all four’s. Sometime acting like a child is the right thing to do—especially if it means emulating their persistence.

- 67 -

Chapter Fourteen ___________________________________________________________________________

“Change By Choice” News stories and popular songs reinforce the human tendency to blame outside events for our emotions.

• A worker shot and killed his/her supervisor because the supervisor fired him/her.

• You light up my life.

• He/she ruined my life.

• Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy.

No event or person can make your life happy or unhappy. Most of us intellectually accept this idea but find it difficult to apply.

Review of Key Concepts

• You are a valid person in spite of what you do and/or what other’s think of you.

• You do not have to do anything.

• The world does not have to be the way you demand it should be.

• Other people should be the way they are.

- 68 -

• Comparisons are useful in improving skills and enhancing performance but of no value in building self-esteem. Only you can be you.

• You cannot hurt another person’s feelings. People do feel hurt as a result of what you say and do, but you are only responsible for your actions, not their reactions.

• Demanding that the world be the way you want is childish (narcissistic) and useless. All it does is increase your stress, impact your health, and reinforce the misconception that others aren’t acting the way they should.

Learn to recognize unrealistic comparisons and expectations.

Replace: “I have to ...” with “I choose to ...”

Replace: “He/she makes me mad ...” with: “I get angry when ...” or “I feel hurt when ...”

With this approach you take full control and responsibility for your emotions.

Once you minimize your demands, add the phrase: “It would be better if...” Replace “I have to, must, need to, should ...” with.... “It would be better if...”

For example, replace:

“I have to work out.” with... “I choose to be healthy.”

When talking with others, use suggest instead of should. Listen for negative phrases. If you find it helpful, keep a journal. You’ll hear conversation such as: “Isn’t this weather awful? ... “It’s terrible the way he/she treats him/her.” … “I’m having such a terrible day.” … “I can’t stand this anymore.” ... “I’m having a terrible time studying for these exams.” … “She/he was devastated when their spouse left.” … “I’m devastated. I don’t know how I can go on.”

Habits form through repetition. The reason most self-improvement programs produce less than satisfactory results is simple — they fly in the face of proven principles. Unless a new behavior is repeated firmly, it will not entrench itself in the Inner-Horse. If you find yourself wandering from self-improvement goals, remind yourself that you do not lack will-power. “I lack will-power” … “I’m a failure” … “I’ll never get this right” is all horse-talk deflecting you from your chosen path.

Train the Inner-Horse; don’t let it run you. Follow this proven process...

- 69 -

Stage One: Awareness Awareness is the Rider’s responsibility based on dissatisfaction with the status quo. The Inner-Horse emotionally resists change. Remember the purpose of the Inner-Horse (habits) is to keep you exactly the way you are!

Awareness of the importance of creating who you choose to become is a good beginning, but it takes confidence and self-awareness to elevate yourself to the next important stage — action. Before moving on, let’s visit self-esteem’s replacement — creating the life we choose. Here is a partial list of a different way of thinking to replace self-esteem’s narrow, feel-good philosophy.

Self-reliance Self-direction

Self-respect Self-acceptance

Self-confidence Self-discipline

Self-love Self-determination

Stage Two: Create Your Future Carefully formulate a picture of your desired future. Include what you can control rather than what you cannot. Instead of saying “People respect me” make a declaration to “conduct myself in such a way that …” Remember, you create who you choose to be, not how another person responds to you.

Here are several principles that may help with your plan.

1. Clearly describe your preferred future. (Dream big!)

2. Describe the benefits of making changes.

3. Describe the consequences of not making them.

This important third step is often missed. Some people are motivated to get something while others have a stronger desire to avoid losing. People lose their lives trying to protect their possessions but avoid doing what they know will help them. The fear of loss is greater than the desire for gain. Use this principle to help you succeed.

Stage Three: Set Behaviour Goals

- 70 -

Determine behavior changes required to accomplish your objectives. What skills are required? If you are looking to achieve a new position in your organization ask yourself: “How does a person in that position act? What do they know? What do they do?” Get busy developing the necessary skills. It may help to remind yourself that the price of success is payable in advance.

Stage Four: Planned Follow-up Establish a reward system and a maintenance program. For instance, with weight loss, until you change your lifestyle (eat less—exercise more), you may lose weight, but a planned maintenance program is essential in creating long-term change.

Don’t ignore the mental aspect of self-improvement. Managing self-talk is much more important than exercising willpower. When your project slows down, concentrate on managing self-talk. Learn to train the Inner-Horse rather than fight it. This requires a three-pronged approach: Thinking—Feeling—Doing. If you miss any of these, your project will fail. Incorporate each of the Fight Back strategies— one per week. You’ll make faster progress this way.

If panic strikes you, repeat these words to yourself...

“It’s the one who won’t be taken who cannot seem to give and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.” *

The journey chronicled here may seem difficult at first, but so what? The rewards far outstrip the investment of time and effort.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Despite our tireless efforts to build within ourselves and our children a sense of self-worth, it seems that the average person today is as confused as ever (perhaps more so!) about their so-called “self-worth.” Our lofty sermons deifying self-esteem have produced few, if any, tangible results. ... The entire concept of “personal worth” has become hopelessly ill-defined and philosophically empty.”

David Mills

Overcoming Self-esteem Distributed by:

Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy New York

- 71 -

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- 72 -

Chapter Fifteen ___________________________________________________________________________

“A Platform On Which To Create The Life You Choose”

Underlying our behavior is a set of values, or Unifying Principles. Uncovering these core values is an energizing experience. If a choice is contrary to the principles on which you build your life, it’s easier to make the right choice when your values are clear. Without these predetermined choices, we drift through life, constantly straining to do the “right” thing. Many organizations choose to publish their values for both employees and customers. Doing this for yourself establishes a solid foundation on which to create the life you choose. Here are some of my primary choices.

• I choose to respect individuals as unique and “unrateable.”

• I choose freedom.

• I choose to be healthy.

• I choose to be true to myself.

• I choose to be the primary creative force in my life (on this earth).

• I choose to accept individuals for what they are without endorsing their lifestyles.

• I choose to respect other people’s time when we share it together.

- 73 -

• I choose to be authentic in my dealings with others.

• I choose to support others in less fortunate circumstances, even if I believe they chose their circumstances.

• I choose to give of myself freely, expecting nothing in return, other than knowing I am making a contribution.

• I choose to help others fend for themselves by refusing to treat them as helpless victims.

• I choose to strive to find words to accurately describe my feelings.

• I choose to defend my values without apology.

• I choose to learn ways to strengthen my human relationships.

• I choose to have faith in my God and to not explain or defend my position, and I will engage in conversation on the subject and confirm my faith through listening to diverse points of view.

• I choose my emotions and accept responsibility for their consequences.

• I am fully responsible for my actions and accept the consequences of those actions.

• I am not a victim of my past or present circumstances. If I am a victim, it is to my own firmly held, irrational beliefs.

Not so famous last words:

Anticipate tomorrow. Learn from yesterday.

Live today!