Talking about what really matters

30 TUESDAY JULY 14 2009

Dealing withJenny Lee chats to author Maria Roberts about overcoming

communal

Lady Tut-Tutscan tut away offWith just a fewmonths to go untilJennifer Doherty getsmarried, she gives us aninsight into the highs andlows of planning amodern-day wedding

WE all know one.In fact, horror of horrors, we may even be one ourselves.I speak of the age-old tradition of what I kindly describe as the LadyTut-Tuts.You know the sort, arms folded in the style of Les Dawson's charactersCissie and Ada, tutting away at everything and everyone that dis-pleases them.Growing up as a child in the 1970s, Dawson was a staple of televisionhumour.I remember being enthralled at two woman called Cissie Braithwaiteand Ada Shufflebotham, which he played with gusto alongside fellowcomic Roy Barraclough.In various sketches these two women, curlers in hair, would stand overtheir garden fences and gossip.They'd blatantly adjust their ample bosoms with their folded arms andgossip a little more.I've seen many modern day Cissie and Adas – real-life Lady Tut-tuts.Every single wedding I've been to has included the obligatory LadyTut-Tuts at the back of the church.These women cast a critical eye over weddings as they perch unin-vited in the pews.They tut-tut at the things they don't like and may even pull a face or rolltheir eyes at everything else.These women take it all in and miss nothing.They are often seen in churches when weddings are taking place andthey are not on the guest list.They are strictly uninvited. And are strictly not wanted by the happycouple.I speak of ladies, and without being ageist, at a certain stage in theirlives, who just love going to weddings.They probably do not know the bride or the groom, the minister or thepriest, the singer or the organ player.They might vaguely know the lady who does the flower arranging forthe church or the lady who keeps the altar spick and span.There is obviously some underground, resistance-style movement outthere so they can be forewarned about upcoming nuptials.The wedding crashers, for that is exactly what they are, whisper loudly,eat boiled sweets, shuffle around and now, all set for the new millen-nium, they are armed with the latest digital technology - the camera.As the wedding photographer lines up the wedding party outside thechurch, you can bet the Lady Tut-Tuts will be hovering nearby, anxiousto capture the big moment.They are the begrudgers there just to criticise.I've found that since I started to plan my own wedding that everybody,even the dogs in the street, have opinions on my wedding.As I walk down the aisle of my big day, wobbling on my heels andholding onto my father for dear life all I want to just see before me ismy handsome husband-to-be waiting at the altar.Out of the corner of my eye I'd like to see family and friends smilingand willing that I don't fall over.I do not want to see any random strangers snooping around my bigday.Craning their necks to see what mydress is like, being noisy or even,worst crime of all, trying to 'ssshhh'their obligatory crying grandchild.So, as well as budgeting for flow-ers, honeymoon, dresses etc I havea new wedding most-wanted which Ihope my fiance will pay for.Two big burly bouncers likePhil and Grant Mitchell tokeep unwanted guests outand let only actual invitedguests in. I am also notdisclosing the date of mywedding in case I tip offall the Lady Tut-tuts inIreland and they arriveen mass. Poor Phil andGrant will have theirwork cut out for them.

MARIA Roberts is livingproof there is life afterdomestic violence. Aged22, Maria left a violentrelationship, taking

herself and her 18-month-old son,Jack, to a women’s refuge.Whilst there she completed her de-gree in English literature and Spanishat Manchester University.Later she returned to the home sheonce shared with Jack’s dad, Damien,and last summer she took her playabout domestic violence to the Edin-burgh Festival.This is just one of the episodes shetells in her debut novel Single Motheron the Verge.The book reads like a hilarious andmoving tale of a turbulent fictional life,but is in fact a true-life memoir ofMaria Roberts’ life.Single Mother on the Verge, which fol-lows her award winning blog of thesame name, includes amusing anec-dotes about her nine-year-old sonJack and the lovers in her life, notleast her vegan boyfriend Rhodri.Roberts found writing about her ownlife empowering rather than cathartic.“I was able to look at patterns of mybehaviour which I hadn’t noticed be-fore because I hadn’t really spent thatmuch time thinking about what I wasdoing.’’A noticeable absence in the book isdetails of what happened in Maria’slife between the abuse and Rhodrimoving in with her.“Those two or three years after gettingout of that violent relationship werethe most painful and difficult yearswhen I felt incredibly down,’’ she ex-plains.“Then came a day when I woke upand felt I’m not carrying all this upsetaround with me anymore. I’m not surehow it disappeared, it just did.’’Helping Maria escape the demons ofher past relationship was her eco war-rior boyfriend Rhodri, a chickpea-lov-ing vegan eco-warrior, who didn’tbelieve in career ladders ormonogamy.“When I got together with Rhodri he

was a wonderful, caring, lovingboyfriend and never at anytime did Ifeel at risk or threatened by him.“And the fact he wanted to have anon-monogamous relationship and henever showed any jealous behaviouror possessiveness, was really liberat-ing.“I’m quite a traditionalist and deepdown I knew this behaviour is not thebest way to behave, but because Icould do it I did.“And in the context of everything thatwent on before with Damien, to havethe freedom to explore my own wantsand needs, away from being a motherand a girl who had experienced do-mestic violence, was very important inmoving on in my life.“It wasn’t that long ago that all that ac-tivity was happening I don’t think Icould pull a man now.“I think I’ve lost my charm. Maybe Idon’t try,’’ she laughs.But Maria hasn’t given up on men en-tirely.“In the book I’m actively chasing adream of a perfect relationship be-cause I wanted my life to change. Bythe time I get to the end of the book,I’ve made those changes and it does-n’t include a man.“The thing about love and dating isthat you may think someone is idealbut six months later reality kicks inand they may not be as ideal as youthought. But I do remain optimistic.I’ve got to get it right at some point.’’Maria moved to London just under ayear ago, shedding most of the bag-gage of her past and putting all theirbelongings into a few black bags.“There were so many bad memoriesattached to that house in Manchester.It was really exciting to pack up mybelongings and move. It felt like it wastime for a change and to live in a com-pletely different way.’’Her and Jack now live in a sharedhouse with other single parents.“I live with a single mum who has twochildren, a single dad who has a littleboy and we have a German au pair tohelp us out.’’This communal way of living is agrowing trend, especially in London,and Maria encourages other singleparents to give it a go.“It’s not for everybody. In the begin-ning it wasn’t that easy because wewere living with people we didn’tknow.“But a lot of single parents feel stuck.If someone is thinking of a careerchange or moving cities, it’s a fantas-tic thing to do as you have built-insupport.’’So was the shared living option theright one for her?“Most definitely. We are living in alovely big semi-detached. I couldn’thave afforded to live in London withmy son on my own.’’Maria takes a positive outlook on lifesaying “tough times are part of thetexture of life”.In her book she wants to highlight“the other side of domestic violence’’– the comedy and the survival side.

“The thing aboutlove and dating isthat you may thinksomeone is idealbut six monthslater reality kicks inand they may notbe as ideal as youthought”

– MARIA ROBERTS

Contact Features Department Tel: 028 9033 7548Email: features@irishnews.com

domestic violence

31TUESDAY JULY 14 2009

domestic violence, being in a non-monogamous relationship andliving

Child-proofing aholiday destinationBy Leona O’Neill

I'VE spent the last couple of weeks trying toorganise our summer holidays. I thought wemight go abroad, somewhere nice andsunny, but the recent heatwave and the se-vere grumpiness that it induced in my ladstold me we'd be better off somewhere coldand miserable, so we're staying closer tohome.Now that my olderboys can speak upand tell me what theywant in a holiday I'vereally had to workhard at finding some-thing that suits every-one. I made them all write me a list of thingsthat would make their idea of the perfect holi-day come to fruition.The lads' list of demands went somethinglike this:The destination must have:1 A gigantic toy shop2 At least 20 sweet shops3 A Playstation or Wii4 An abundance of muck5 A bit of a beach so we can dig giganticholes to bury the dog/Daddy/the car in.6 Chocolate on tap.The destination must not have:1 Vegetables2 Homecooked dinners (We want beanstwice daily for a week)3 Naggy mas telling us to go to bed before9pm.Unless Willy Wonka's gone into the self-cater-ing business and is renting out his chocolatefactory complete with computer suite andman-made beach I doubt we can meet alltheir demands. Donegal will have to do.Now, I have had problems before going onholiday with my kids. Last year we went to aB&B which professed to be kid friendly thenturned out to be the complete opposite. Reg-ular readers will recall that on that occasionwe were asked to keep our small childrenquiet. Apparently the sound of childrenlaughing hurt the only other two guest's ears.These people also took exception to rockmusic, thought disco smoke machines werethe work of Satan and that people who hungaround outside chip shops where devil wor-shippers. We left after one night.This time I have been really careful aboutwhere we will stay. Self-catering seemed tobe the best option for us, because of the factthat my children are insane.I have trawled through self-catering websitesfor weeks trying to find somewhere reallyperfect.I've sent hundreds of emails, sounding totallyneurotic. I've asked if the properties wereanywhere near lakes, ditches, rivers, caves,mine fields, shooting ranges, nuclear wastedumps, warzones, etc, etc. Anyone whoknows my middle child Caolan will attest thathe is no ordinary child, indeed he has aspira-tions for a career in stuntmanship and is amagnet to disaster.So I got a variety of answers and waslaughed at frequently. One man told me thathis property was beside a lake with giganticcrocodiles. I professed I wasn't aware thatcrocodiles were a native species to that re-gion.Another woman told me her property was themost child friendly place in the known uni-verse and when I looked it up on the net itwas perched on the edge of a large cliff. Idon't know about you but having a 200ftdrop to the raging ocean just yards fromyour front door doesn't scream child friendlyto me.We eventually found somewhere Caolan-proof and we're currently in the process ofwrapping them all in industrial-strength cot-ton wool.Happy holidays!!

“I was very young whenit first started and Iwasn’t aware what washappening. I justthought I had a difficultboyfriend.“If someone is in aviolent relationship theydefinitely need to talk tosomebody or contact ahelpline”

– MARIA ROBERTS

Parenting

!! SURVIVOR: MariaRoberts has comethrough a violentrelationship and has nowpublished a book abouther experiences

“This book isn’t one of those miserymemoirs which is very horrific andwhere violent things happen, becauseI got out of that relationship. If I hadstayed in that relationship maybethings would have got worse.’’Maria, who received support fromWomen’s Aid, encourages those in vi-olent relationship to find help andcarve out a new world.“I was very young when it first startedand I wasn’t aware what was happen-ing. I just thought I had a difficultboyfriend.“If someone is in a violent relationshipthey definitely need to talk to some-body or contact a helpline.Maria also challenges all women notto turn a blind eye to the needs of oth-ers.“Yes these situations can be danger-ous to everyone attached to thewomen, but backing away from it isnot the answer because it just perpet-uates the situation of that woman feel-ing lonely, isolated and damaged.“She not only becomes a victim fromthe man’s actions, but she becomes avictim in other people’s eyes as well.

“So if you know someone who is in aviolent relationship, give them somesupport and warmth,’’ says Maria.She daily faces the tough decision ofwhether or not to allow her formerabusive boyfriend access to their son.“It’s a very difficult decision for amother to make and it’s something I’mstill battling with.“Moving away from Manchester andmoving out of that house clearedaway a lot of old demons and Jackhas been a lot more at easy and a lotmore jollier.“There will be a day when he will seehis dad, of course he can.“The most important thing for anychild is to have security and stabilityand safety. And so it’s my duty as amother to provide that for him, but it’snot easy making that decision.“He does ask me about it, but I feel atthis point in time I will hold my groundon that for as long as possible.’’With an idea of a second book basedaround her new living arrangements,Maria is looking forward to a summerof having fun with her son, with play-ing rounders top of their agenda.