dealing with toxic people

Contents

Copyright: Andrew Leigh, 2011 1

Copyright

Copyright © Andrew Leigh, 2011. All rights reserved. No

part of this document or any of its associated material may

be reproduced without written consent from its author.

Disclaimer

Dealing with Toxic People contains information, tools and

exercises designed to help people successfully manage any

‘toxic’ people or relationships in their lives (see main text for

definitions of ‘toxic’ in the context of this program).

The content of this program has been designed to help

address a wide range of situations and it is not intended (or

expected) that all content will be relevant or applicable to

any one participant. It is therefore imperative that

participants in this program use their own judgement, and

accept full responsibility for all actions they take when

making use of the content of this program. If this condition

is not acceptable do not proceed with using this program.

Dealing with Toxic People


Contents

Welcome 6

How the Program Works 10

Before You Begin 12

Reviewing Your Progress 15

Part 1: Understanding the Problem 17

Defining Your Toxic Situation 18

Levels of Toxicity 24

Understanding the Benefits 27

Gaining a More Powerful Understanding 30

Finding the Dynamics of Your Toxic Relationship 32

Learning from what You Know 32

Real-time Observation and Review 34

Your Own Contribution 37

Toxic People at Work 40

Part 2: Inner Responses, Inner Resources 47

The ‘I Need to Change Them’ Fallacy & The ‘I Can Change

Them’ Fantasy 50

False Expectations 54

Reframing 57

The ‘Manager’ Reframe 65

The ‘Project Management’ Reframe 66

Reframing from ‘Victim’ to ‘Empowered’ 68

Contents


Decide Not to be Bothered 70

Reframing for Humour 72

Loyalty: Misplaced Loyalty 75

Responsibility Imbalance 79

Inner Responses, Inner Resources – Review 86

Part 3: Active Responses 88

Effective communication and Improved Assertiveness 92

Refuse to Engage in Discussions & Arguments 94

Saying ‘No’ Nice and Easy – The Broken

Record Technique 97

The Give First Technique 104

Assertive Statements 109

Basic Assertion – Just Saying It 110

Negative Feelings Assertion Formula 112

Signs, Circumstances and Triggers – Simple New

Responses to Well Established Patterns 114

Become Unpredictable 117

Phasing Down or Phasing Out: Limiting Toxic Contact,

or Ending It Gradually 118

Using Your ‘New Time: Replacing the Lost Benefits and

Reducing Reliance 125

Part 4: Ending a Toxic Relationship: Making a Clean Break 131

Breaking From a Friend or Family Member You

Do Not Live With 137



Clean Break Practicalities 139

The Danger of Disputed Belongings 141

What to Say & What Not to Say 142

The Unsent Letter 143

Channels of Communication 145

Review 147

Breaking from a Close Toxic Relationship but

Living Separately

149

Clean Break Practicalities 150


What to Say & What Not to Say 153



Children 158

Custody and Access 158

Minimizing Impact on Involved Children 159

Practical Arrangements for Involved Children 161

Review 162

Breaking From a Toxic Person You Live With 164

Planning a Move 166

Timing 167

Open or ‘Secret’ Move 168

What to Say and What Not to Say 169



Contents


Other Clean Break Practicalities 174


Children 177

Custody and Access 177

Minimizing Impact on Involved Children 178

Practical Arrangements for Involved Children 180

Review 181

Getting Your Toxic Other To Move Out 183

Identifying Useful Program Material 184

Recognising and Removing Rewards 185

Understanding Your Legal Rights – and the

Rights of Your Toxic Other 186

Review 187



Welcome…

Welcome


Welcome… … to the Dealing with Toxic People e-program – the only

program of its kind to combine techniques of personal

growth with clear commitments to positive, beneficial actions.

In other words, this is more than yet another book to be

read and forgotten (or read and ignored) – it is an active

program which brings together learning, self-discovery,

planning, and most of all – action – action that you have

chosen and feel comfortable with – action that gets results.

You will find valuable information here, written succinctly

and without padding – but actively taking part in the program is where you will find the real, long-lasting benefits.

Your First Actions

Take a moment now… to

commit yourself to

completion of this program.

Take a moment to visualize a

positive outcome – one

where toxic people are no

longer a problem for you.

Visualize how you will feel

when that happens. Hold on

to that feeling and return to

it whenever you need to focus your strength.

Remember that you do not just read this program, you

Toxic Other

You’ll see the term toxic

other used frequently in

this program. It simply

means: the toxic person

you are focusing on. Other

possible terms, such as

toxic friend, partner,

associate, etc. may not be

appropriate to your

circumstances. Toxic other covers all the bases.



do it. So if you read through the previous paragraph but

didn’t take the actions it suggested, then you need to do so now.

Welcome


The Toxic Paradox Toxic friends and toxic relationships can sour your days,

potentially damage your whole way of life, and ruin the way you think about yourself.

Likeable, Loveable, Deeply Loved

And yet – your toxic other could at the same time be

likeable and loveable. And, in the case of close relatives and

partners, they can be deeply loved.

Unintentionally Toxic

That’s not all. Usually your toxic other does not intend to be

toxic – and probably doesn’t think of themselves as toxic

either. Even when a person is acting spitefully or

vindictively, it will probably seem reasonable in their own mind.

Toxic Twins

In fact in some situations toxic relationships can feel equally

toxic to both people in that relationship. So do be open to

the possibility that as far as your toxic other is concerned, you are the toxic one.

So in summary:

• Toxic people can also be likeable, loveable and deeply loved

• Toxic people usually don’t see themselves as toxic

• You may seem toxic to them.

None of the above may fit your circumstances. But as you

use the exercises in this course, please be open as possible

in making judgements about yourself and your toxic other.



How the Program Works

The three sections of this program are as follows:

Part 1 – Understanding the Problem

Activities and exercises to build up a clear understanding of

yourself, your ‘toxic other’, and the dynamics of your toxic

relationship. This is the foundation to support your move towards toxic free relationships.

Part 2 – Inner Responses, Inner Resources

All about helping you to think differently about yourself and your toxic other in order to:

• Empower yourself

• Dilute or remove the perceived toxic effect

• Offer helpful new perspectives

Part 3 – Active Responses

• Managing and detoxifying your toxic relationship

and/or

• Ending your toxic relationship

You will take an active part in the program throughout:

• Practising techniques

Welcome


• Generating ideas and options

• Choosing actions and putting them into practice

• Reviewing, reflecting and modifying to enhance your effectiveness

Keep an Open Mind

Keep an open mind and be ready for some of your cherished assumptions to be challenged.

Be willing to re-examine and modify ideas about yourself

and your toxic other.

And be open to new insights and ‘light bulb’ moments.

And while you already know that you want to deal with your

toxic friend or relationship, be open about how you might achieve this.

Your best answer might be any combination of the following:

• More positive inner, emotional responses

• Different outward reactions and responses

• Changes in the frequency of toxic contact

• Changes in the duration of toxic contact

• Modified relationship status (for instance, from close friend to just a friend)

• An end to any meaningful contact.



Before You Begin

You will need to decide whether you are going to work

directly from (and on) your computer, or from a printed

paper version. If it suits you better, a combination of the two is also fine.

Computer

• Copy the program files to a new folder

• Name the folder and add an identification name to

the copied files. (This is important if you want to use

the program for more than one toxic person)

• Actions Log – make a new file named ‘Actions Log’.

You may also wish to make a ‘Potential Actions Log’.

Use these files to record:

o Your planning

o The actions you are considering

o The actions you take

Be sure to add the date to every new entry. This will

help when you review your progress.

• Reflective Journal – make a new file named

‘Reflective Journal’. Use this journal to reflect on and review your learning, actions and progress.

Reflection and reviews are very important facets of

this program and will greatly enhance your positive outcomes.

o Note: so long as you record your reflective

thinking, it doesn’t matter how you actually

achieve it. Written journals are best for

many people, but voice or video recording

are fine – as is conversation with a (totally

Welcome


trusted) friend or unconnected outside

listener such as a coach.

• Answer Log: have your Answer Log open and ready to use

o Please note that this file is in Microsoft Word

.doc format. If you cannot access this format

you will need to make a file and name it

‘Answer Log’. You can then write your answers in this new file.

Printed Paper

• Print out the program (a bit obvious, but…)

Please note that although the program uses

substantial blocks of colour in the layout, all the files will print out well using black only printing

• File it! Get yourself a nice ring binder and dividers

• Actions Log – make a new section named ‘Actions

Log’. You may also wish to make a ‘Potential Actions Log’. Use these sections to record:

o Your planning

o The actions you are considering

o The actions you take

Be sure to add the date to every new entry. This will help when you review your progress.

• Reflective Journal – make a new section named

‘Reflective Journal’ – or buy a separate book for this.

Use this journal to reflect on and review your learning, actions and progress.

Reflection and reviews are very important facets of

this program and will greatly enhance your positive outcomes.



o Note: so long as you record your reflective

thinking, it doesn’t matter how you actually

achieve it. Written journals are best for

many people, but voice or video recording

are fine, and feel free to add drawings if they

help. If you like to bounce ideas of other

people, then try a conversation with a

(totally trusted) friend or unconnected outside listener such as a coach.

• Answer Log: there is no need to complete all the

exercises in the program, so you can print only the

exercises you wish to work on. Make a section in

your file for these.

o Most exercises, printed from the Answer Log

file, will leave enough space on the page for

your answers. If not simply add a blank

sheet of paper.

o Use the .pdf version (for Adobe Reader) for easy access.

Now – keep your files private and away from curious eyes.

There is a strange kind of self-sabotage that some of us

have that can easily lead to your ‘confidential’ work ending up in front of the very person you do not want to see it.

Make very sure this does not happen to you – keep your work private and secure!

Welcome


Reviewing Your Progress

The biggest reason for people not achieving the goals they

set is, I believe, a failure to regularly review their progress.

When you don’t review regularly it’s very easy for targets to

slip by unnoticed and for planned actions to be forgotten in the hubbub of everyday life.

Regular planned reviews prevent this from happening. They

promote valuable reflective thinking, timely modifications to the plan, and continued motivation.

Having put yourself in control with your initial goal setting

and planning, regular reviews help you stay in control. If

you’ve not discovered this already, you’ll find that being in control feels very good.

Exercise 1

Reviewing Your Progress

• Schedule regular review times and use your reflective journal as a review tool

o Do not choose review times that are ‘squeezed

in’ to a busy schedule. They will soon be squeezed out

o Do not choose times when you are tired or likely

to be disturbed. Your thinking will not be your best

o Do choose times that are sustainable and

convenient

Cont…

Reflective Journal



• Make sure you remember your reviews by using aids – diaries, electronic reminders on phones, computers, etc

• Use a review agenda such as the boxed example – this

will allow you to complete the review quickly and effectively

Sample Progress Review Agenda

• What worked?

o Learning points

o What didn’t work?

• What felt good?

o Learning points

• What felt difficult?

o Learning points

• What needs changing or modifying?

o Learning points

• How might I make these changes? Look for several options if possible and make a list

• Do I need to change the overall plan?

o Record the changes

• Actions to take between now and the next review

o Already planned

o Added to plan

Part 1

Understanding the Problem



Part 1

Understanding the Problem

Getting Started

Okay! As this course is about ‘doing’, it’s time to move

straight into it. Your first exercises will help form a clearer

picture in your mind about just what kind of toxic relationship you are dealing with.

So your very first activity is about clarifying and defining what makes the toxic people in your life so toxic.

Exercise 2

Defining Your Toxic Situation

First of all, have only one person in mind as you run through

this exercise. If you have involvement with two or more

toxic people I’d suggest doing a separate run-through for

each person. Exception: if you are involved with a toxic

group of people then you may find it helpful to focus on the group rather than individuals.

Let’s start with a small bagful of descriptions about what

makes a toxic relationship, or a toxic person. As you read

through the descriptions below, list the ones that apply to your own toxic situation in your Answers Log.

Cont…

Answer Log

Part 4: Ending a Toxic Relationship: Making a Clean Break


Definition 1

Toxic Relationships can:

• Lead you into negative activities or situations

• Make you feel small or worthless

• Damage your confidence and self esteem

• Leave you feeling drained

• Put you on the defensive and make you feel guilty

• Get you angry and frustrated

• Make you settle for less, often much less

• Bore you senseless

• Feel uncomfortable, scary and dangerous

• Feel manipulative

• Stop you from achieving

• Stop you from doing interesting things

• Keep you stuck in the same old rut

• Be financially costly or unfair

• Include you in a ‘failure’ group

Now add any extra descriptions you may need to complete the picture.

Definition 2

Toxic People can be:

• Manipulative

• Selfish

• Clingy and insecure

• Always taking, seldom giving

• Aggressive and bullying

• Dismissive

• Eager to blame you (or others, or anything but themselves)

• Belittling



• Threatened by your successes

• Dismissive of your dreams of success

• Insensitive

• Pushy

• Determined to make you into someone you are not, and don’t want to be

• Convinced you don’t know what’s best for you, but they do

• Unwilling to take no for an answer

• Very bad listeners

• Untrustworthy

• Dishonest

• Very unreliable

• Sensitive to any criticism of themselves but insensitive and ‘straight talking’ to others

• Mentally and emotionally draining

• Financially draining

• * Physically threatening or abusive

• * Dangerously manipulative

o Note: these final two types of toxicity are

not covered in this course. If this is your

situation, please seek professional help and

guidance. See the info box below for more

help.

As in the previous list, add any extra descriptions you may

need to complete the picture and enter your full list in your Answers Log.



You have now completed the first steps in the process of

detoxifying your personal life. The next step is about the specific effects this toxic situation has on you and your life.

Important Note

Abusive or Dangerously Manipulative

If you are stuck in a physically threatening or abusive toxic

relationship – or a dangerously manipulative or criminal

relationship – you should seek personal professional help and guidance before taking any other actions.

Please note that as a life coach and personal

development specialist, I do not have the training,

knowledge or experience to help you deal with

abusive behaviour – but others do.

In such extreme situations it may not be safe to act on your

own. Although this program may help you gain valuable

insights about your toxic other and your toxic situation – it

was not intended for such extreme toxic circumstances as those described above.

Go to the Abuse Resources file provided with this program

for more information about dealing with an abusive relationship.



A Profound Journey

As you complete these exercises you will begin to

understand yourself and your toxic other much better. There

will be moments of profound insight and learning. When these special moments arrive, make the most of them.

• Don’t rush straight on to the next exercise

• Do give yourself time to reflect and embed new thoughts and ideas

• Capture your thoughts in your Reflective Journal –

or any other way you like. But do not leave it to

memory. New thoughts have a habit of crowding out

old ones, so record these profound insights before your next one comes along

• Ask these questions

o How does this insight change things?

o What will this mean for me when moving

forward?

You may well stumble across life-changing self-learning at

the very beginning of this program. Don’t miss it by going too fast.



How Does This Affect You?

Now that you’ve begun to build a clearer picture of the

components of your toxic situation it’s time to focus on how this affects you and your life.

Discovery First

Remember that these early exercises aren’t looking for

solutions just yet. They are all about defining and

understanding the problem. Doing this now will make it

much easier to find the best solutions a little later.

Exercise 3

Toxic Impact

What is the impact on you from this toxic

person/relationship? Using your Answers Log, consider the three questions below.

• How do you feel as a result of this toxic situation?

• What good things are you limited from doing?

• What negative actions and behaviours of yours are a result of your toxic situation?

Answer Log

dealing with toxic people

Documents

toxic people copyright

definitions of toxic

toxic situation

toxic person

toxic contact

close toxic relationship

contents copyright

inner responses