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Re-Mapping Negative Self-TalkDecode Your Cravings - Workbook

Decode Your Cravings

Negative self-talk is messaging created by sub-

personalities that is shaming, guilting, bullying, or

otherwise destructive. Self-talk is a master

manipulator of human behavior.

I’ve made the case in the past that it’s not really “self-talk.”

Instead, it should be considered “other-talk.” It’s messaging

programmed by your experiences with influential people in your

life—parents, teachers, pastors, relatives, media, CULTure, etc.

This understanding is the difference between empowering

yourself and being forever broken. Because this idea of you

sabotaging yourself with these beliefs and phrases points to

some sort of malfunction of Self. Or a malfunction of your parts.

You’re not malfunctioning. You’re trying to function to the best

of your abilities in a malfunctioning environment.

The good news is that you can re-map this negative “self-talk.”

It doesn’t have to manipulate you any longer. That’s what this

workbook is going to help you with.

Engaging in this process consistently is the embodiment of you

putting your Authentic Self in the driver’s seat. Only your

Authentic Self is capable of refereeing this re-mapping process.

What is Negative Self-Talk?


Identify & discard compassion blocking language.

The two main types of compassion blocking language strategies

are moralization and deserve-oriented thinking/language.

Moralization: So much of our life is spent judging thoughts and

behaviors in terms of rightness and wrongness. Selfishness and

unselfishness. Good and bad.

Deserve-Oriented Thinking: We also tend to look at behaviors

and outcomes in terms of what should or shouldn’t happen. We

use moralization to make statements about what we or someone

else deserves. We boil everything down into black and white:

“Good people deserve good things,” “bad people deserve bad

things.” It’s a constant misguided quest for justice in situations

that have nothing to do with ethics.

These strategies beg for compassion blocking tactics as well:

diagnosis, judgments, labeling, insulting, blaming, criticism,

demands, and comparisons.

Doing this step is the foundation of remapping negative self-talk

because these strategies and tactics are themselves manipulative.

Think of this step as clearing the clutter and creating an even

playing field.

Step 1Examples of Compassion

Blocking Language

“I’m too lazy (diagnosis/judgement/insult/criticism/label) to

exercise consistently. […Therefore I’m bad. Therefore I don’t

deserve success. Therefore I should stop trying.]” (moralistic

judgement).

“I’m a hopeless failure (diagnosis/insult/criticism/label). It’s

been over a week and I haven’t lost a pound. […I deserve to lose

weight because I’ve been so good (moralistic judgement)].”

“It’s not fair (deserve-oriented) that I have to diet when others

(comparison) can eat what they want.”

“I need to stop being lazy (diagnosis/label/judgement/insult/

criticism) and get my ass in gear (demand). This is ridiculous

(criticism). I can’t believe I’ve done this to myself (blame).”


Observe without evaluating.

When we observe behaviors in ourselves and others, the default

response is to add an evaluation to that observation. The

evaluation often contains the compassion-blocking language we

just talked about.

It’s possible to observe without evaluating. Leaving out the

evaluation confines the conversation to the facts of the situation

as you know them to be.

The underlying reason for the evaluation is because people think

it’s forces or encourages corrective action. “If I tell myself how

bad I am, I’ll be better in the future.” “If I tell other people how

wrong they are, they’ll try to be more right.”

This strategy is highly ineffective. A more effective strategy is to

connect observations with needs.

Step 2Examples of Observing

Without Evaluating

“I just at a piece of cake. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I didn’t go to the gym today. I’m so lazy. I have no discipline.”

“I stayed up way too late last night doing work stuff because of

my stupid perfectionism.”


Identify & Express Feelings

It’s very helpful to link a feeling to an observation. This

connection with feelings turns on your empathetic pathways

(which turns off the pathways dedicated to compassion blocking

language).

Keep in mind that when asked to express feelings, some people

still express evaluations and simply put the word “feel” in front

of them: “I didn’t go to the gym today. I feel like a loser.” That’s

an evaluation not a feeling.

It’s most helpful to use specific feelings rather than general ones

when applying this technique. Saying, “I feel good about X” is too

general to be effective. “Good” can mean, “happy, empowered,

proud, etc.” The more specific you are, the more powerful this

technique is.

The following few pages will help with expressing feelings better by

giving you a “feelings inventory” to draw from.


Without Evaluating

“I just at a piece of cake. I shouldn’t have done that. I feel

frustrated…”

“I didn’t go to the gym today. I’m so lazy. I have no discipline. I

feel angry…”


my stupid perfectionism. I feel irritable and overwhelmed…”

The following are words we use when we want to express a

combination of emotional states and physical sensations. This list is

neither exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to

support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection

between people and Self. There are two parts to this list: feelings we

may have when our needs are being met and feelings we may have

when our needs are not being met.

Feelings Inventory


ANGRY enraged furious incensed indignant irate livid outraged resentful

AVERSION animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile repulsed

YEARNING envious jealous longing nostalgic pining wistful

CONFUSED ambivalent baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled torn

DISCONNECTED alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed uninterested withdrawn

DISQUIET agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved unsettled upset

EMBARRASSED ashamed chagrined flustered guilty mortified self-conscious

AFRAID apprehensive dread foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worried

ANNOYED aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irked

VULNERABLE fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shaky

Feelings When Needs Are UnSatisfied

FATIGUE beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn out

PAIN agony anguished bereaved devastated grief heartbroken hurt lonely miserable regretful remorseful

SAD depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched

TENSE anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed out


Confident empowered open proud safe secure

Excited amazed animated ardent aroused astonished dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant

Grateful appreciative moved thankful touched

Joyful amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled

Exhilarated blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled

Peaceful calm clear headed comfortable centered content equanimous fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting

Refreshed enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revived

Affectionate compassionate friendly loving open hearted sympathetic tender warm

Engaged absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated

Inspired amazed awed wonder

Feelings When Needs Are Satisfied



Connecting feelings to needs.

The next step in the process of connected communication is

expressing your needs.

When talking to yourself, this allows you to focus on a solution

that meets your needs.

When talking to others, this allows them to understand your

needs and meet them if they so choose (which they’re more likely

to do because you’re focusing on your feelings and needs rather

than spending your time criticizing, blaming, and making

demands).

When this process is followed, you should find that you’re able to

be more honest with yourself and find solutions faster and easier

without arriving at a place of shame, guilt, or fear. Remember,

this process is extremely important because individual behaviors

are almost never responsible for failure. It’s what you think about

the behavior, how you talk about, and how you talk about yourself

that causes all the problems.

Disconnected communication with Self promotes victimhood and

shame. Connected communication with Self promotes resiliency

and progress.


Without Evaluating

“I just at a piece of cake. I shouldn’t have done that. I feel

frustrated. It’s important to me that I improve my health and

cake isn’t helping me reach that goal.”

“I didn’t go to the gym today. I’m so lazy. I have no discipline. I

feel angry because my body needs to move and I let other things

get in the way.”


my stupid perfectionism. I feel irritable and overwhelmed

because my body and mind need sleep.”

The following are words we use when we want to express our needs

as a healthy human being. This list is neither exhaustive nor

definitive. It is meant as a starting place to support anyone who

wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to

facilitate greater understanding and connection between people and

Self. There are two parts to this list: feelings we may have when our

needs are being met and feelings we may have when our needs are

not being met.

Needs Inventory


Honesty authenticity integrity presence

Play joy humor

Physical Wellbeing air food movement/exercise rest/sleep sexual expression safety shelter touch water

Meaning awareness celebration of life challenge clarity competence consciousness contribution creativity discovery efficacy effectiveness growth hope learning mourning participation purpose self-expression stimulation to matter understanding

Peace beauty communion ease equality harmony inspiration order

Autonomy choice freedom independence space spontaneity

Connection acceptance affection appreciation belonging cooperation communication closeness community companionship compassion consideration consistency empathy inclusion intimacy love mutuality nurturing respect/self-respect safety security stability support to know and be known to see and be seen to understand and be understood trust warmth

Needs Inventory



Advance your self-talk to consider sub-

personalities.

As you get to better know and understand your sub-personalities,

you can begin to include them in the process of remapping your

self-talk. In this way, you’re exploring the needs of your sub-

personalities the same way you would explore the needs of a

friend, co-worker, etc. This creates a much deeper level of

understanding of what’s really going on inside you.

If you identify self-talk coming from a specific sub-personality,

you can consider how you would talk to that sub-personality if it

was a real person—walk yourself through the steps.

Including your sub-personalities in this re-mapping process

makes the results even more powerful.

Step 5How Would You Rather Talk to Your

Perfectionist Sub-Personality?

A) Damn, you’re such a perfectionist. You’re screwing up our

sleep schedule. I really hate it when you do that. It’s like you have

no respect for my need for sleep. Don’t you ever consider others?

B) I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I feel irritable and

overwhelmed because my body needs rest. You feel that if you

don’t turn in work that’s above and beyond expectations you

might feel rejection and pain. I’m wondering how we can both get

our needs met?

Obviously, “B.” Right? Then how can you begin to communicate

and look for a solution?

…

[Speaking to that part of you] “You have a need for acceptance and

approval. You feel that if you turn in work that’s not above and beyond

expectations that it might result in rejection. But I know this work is

enough as it is. I also know that you are enough. Regardless of what

others’ response may be, I still accept and approve of you 100%.”

For the next seven days journal all instances of negative self-talk

that you catch yourself saying. The more detail you include, the

better. Try to write down the exact messaging. Each night, go

through the five step process outlined in this workbook to re-map

the negative self-talk (use the feelings/needs inventories to help you

get more specific). As you get accustomed to doing this your brain

will begin to do it instantly and you’ll begin to speak to yourself in a

healthier way. You’ll also notice that your communication with

others will begin to improve.

Exercise


Well Done.

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