Building Resilient Children Bullying, Harassment& Cyber Safety
Kerrie Hayes-Williams & Mark Woolley Catholic Education Office Diocese of Wollongong
25th March, 2009
Some Myths
‘I was bullied and it didn’t do me any harm’
‘He’ll just have to learn to stand up for himself’
‘Tell him to hit back – harder’
‘It’s character building’
‘Sticks and stones . . . .’
‘That’s not bullying! It’s just kids teasing.’
Australian Research Results (Ken Rigby, 2006)
1:6 is bullied on a weekly basis More frequent in primary school for both
genders peaking in years 4/5 Reports of lack of support, isolation,
absenteeism (1:5 boys, 1:4 girls), feeling unsafe Health consequences – perceived or real
‘Bullying and harassment happens when people deliberately and
repeatedly use and abuse their power to hurt, annoy, torment or put
down other people they see as weaker or smaller
What is bullying??
Bullying includes: Social banter
hurtful teasing pushing and shoving malicious gossip racist comments exclusion extortion phone and internet abuse sexual harassment damage to property physical violence use of weapons
criminal acts verbal threats stalking cyberbullying
Family Bullying
Occurs when a person in a family uses their power to control those with less power in ways that are threatening and abusive.
It includes: spouse/partner abuse, child abuse and neglect, parent abuse by adolescents, sibling threats and aggression, and abuse of older adults by caregivers
Normal Peer Conflict Bullying
Equal power between friends Imbalance or power between friends
Individuals often play together Individuals rarely play together
Happens occasionally Repeated negative actions
Accidental On purpose
Not serious Serious with threat of physical or emotional harm
Equal emotional reactions Strong emotional reaction from victim and little or no emotional reaction from bully
Not seeking power or attention Seeking power, control, or material things
Not trying to get something Attempt to gain material things/power
Remorse – will take responsibility No remorse – blame victim
Effort to solve problem No effort to solve problem
Ratting vs…
Ratting is a child telling about another to get them into…
TROUBLE
…Reporting
Reporting occurs to protect one’s
SAFETY
Bullying and Coercion
Teasing, Harassing
Tolerance consideration
Caring, Supportive
Positive Home
Environment
Negative Home
Environment
Creating Caring, Connected and Safe Homes
• Teach social skills • Cooperative learning experiences • No ‘put-down’ zones • Develop empathy for others
What happens when . . . • Expectations/consequences • Opportunities for ‘healing the harm’ done to others • Restore relationships
Girls Bullying Boys Bullying Starts in year 1-2
Typically use ‘put-downs’
Usually about clothing, hair, or overall appearance
Years 3-4 tactics change
Isolation from group
Promise of inclusion for favours
Cliques or groups taunt or harass at recess or lunch
Years 5-6 situation worse
Intimidating or threatening notes warning of things to happen
Gossiping and spreading damaging and embarrassing stories commonplace
Typically use physical aggression or by threatening to use it
Quick jab, push or shove, elbow or knee or head thrust into a wall or locker
Whatever it is – hurts and over quickly before anyone sees.
Size and strength is intimidating
Create fear and a present threat of harm from physical abuse
Boys see bullies as large, strong and powerful
Can peak in year 4/5
Victim Profile Generally tend to lack friends
and social support More cautious, sensitive, quiet
and non-aggressive Often lack confidence in their
abilities If a boy –tend to be smaller
and physically weaker Considered by others as
‘different’
Possible signs of bullying Not wanting to go to school Avoiding certain activities Cuts and bruises Asking for stolen possessions to be replaced ‘Losing’ lunch money Falling out with previous friends Being moody and bad tempered Being quiet and withdrawn Refusing to talk about what happens at school Loss of appetite, bedwetting Aggression with brothers and sisters Doing less well at schoolwork Insomnia, anxiety Talking about not having friends
Persistent bullying can result in:
Anxiety and depression
Low self-esteem
Shyness or lack of confidence
Humiliation & mental anguish
Poor concentration
Poor academic achievement
Avoidance or absenteeism
Rejection and isolation
Thoughts, threats or attempts of self-harm or suicide
A typical bully is a person who: Values power and the rewards aggression bring Has a desire to hurt and expressed in action Someone is hurt Lacks compassion and empathy for others Lacks guilt for his or her actions Believes it is OK to treat others in a cruel fashion Likes to dominate and be in charge Thinks it’s OK to be abusive in order to get something Avoids adults and plays/spends time out of adult sight Is verbally convincing Projects problems onto others Enjoys the interaction
Eyes: red, teary, weepy, narrowed, looking down or away
Face: white, red, tense muscles
Lips: tight or mouth open
Head: down
Shoulders: slumped, bent over, pulled back
Voice: very quiet, angry, Upset, muffled, a grunt
Body movements: Frozen, stuck, paralysed, rigid, fidgeting, walking away
Verbal retaliation: blabbering, criticising back, blaming
Feelings demonstrated: fear, anger, hurt, hate, embarrassment, teariness
Demeanour: doing Nothing or being powerless
The Bully’s Target
(HO)
Impact on the Bully
Learned behaviour Becomes a ‘way of life’ Limited social skills Poor relationships Higher chance of
juvenile delinquency More likely to turn to
criminal activity as adult
Escalated aggression Suffer higher rates of
depression As adults treat their own
children in a dominating and emotionally abusive manner
Acts as role models for their children
Impact on Bystanders
Lowered self-esteem
Loss of control
Feeling of powerlessness
Often scared and isolated
‘He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it’ (Martin Luther King)
What stops children?
Common urge at times that can involve:
A sense of shame (motivational force)
Worry about parents’ reactions/disapproval
Concerned about the peers judgments
It is not cool in their group
Witnessing the pain and hurt of victims
Learning social and emotional skills for managing relationships
Steps to Help Your Child. . . Listen . . .
Talk to your child about why some people act like bullies/victims
Empower and teach your child to be part of the solution
Build resilience & interpersonal skills (communication skills, conflict resolution & encourage friendships)
Focus developing attitudes (unprejudiced, cooperation, empathy, resisting negative group pressure, self-acceptance
Work collaboratively with school to solve it
Faulty beliefs/ attitudes to change
I’m not good enough Being different is bad
I am to blame I have the right to be sensitive
I can’t accept the truth I can do it my own way People should be fair
Nothing works No-one can help
I think it is a waste of time
Thinking (Self-Talk)
Positive Negative
Feeling (Emotions)
Behaviour (Actions)
I’ll just keep paddling and eventually someone will come to help me
I’ll never get help, I’m tired and I can’t do this anymore!
The Secrets of Relating for Children
Secret 1: Understand why you are bullied
Secret 2: Build your self-esteem
Secret 3: Become a confident communicator
Secret 4: Create your own ‘power pack’
Secret 5: Develop a support network
Bullying and Coercion
Teasing, Harassing
Tolerance consideration
Caring, Supportive
Positive Home
Environment
Negative Home
Environment
Creating Caring, Connected and Safe Homes
• Teach social skills • Cooperative learning experiences • No ‘put-down’ zones • Develop empathy for others
What happens when . . . • Expectations/consequences • Opportunities for ‘healing the harm’ done to others • Restore relationships
Safe environments
Everyone should be treated with respect.
Children need to be held accountable and responsible for their actions.
When actions occur that affect safety, quick intervention is needed.
We must work together to stay on target!
Talking with staff at St. Therese
List what happened.
Be clear and firm about the suffering
Be prepared to name the bully
If persists – WHO, WHAT, WHERE & WHEN
Follow school policy and procedures
Collaborate with school on a plan of action
Keep in contact until bullying or harassing stops
Together we can make a difference