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Like, What Do You Do All Day?
By
Sunny Star
Registered WGA [email protected]
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Like, What Do You Do All Day?
FADE IN:
INT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT - DUSK
BOB, pale and dark haired stands in front of
his panoramic windows.
TIFFANY, blond, perfect bright red overly
long nails. She wears a caricature of a
corporate suit.
She is seated on the sofa, a small recorder
on the table in front of her. She is
examining her hair for split ends, and finds
them.
TIFFANY
What kind of name is
that for a vampire?
BOB
It's my name.
TIFFANY
It's so, like,
everyday. Common.
BOB
Sorry.
TIFFANY
Can't you have, like,
a really romantic
name. Like, Ceseare
or Roberto.
BOBBob. That's my name.
Make up another if you
like.
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TIFFANY
This is an interview,
you know? I'm
supposed to collect
the facts. If I make
up a name, it wouldn't
be like, real.
BOB
People are going to
believe that you are
interviewing a
vampire?
TIFFANY
They wrote a whole
book about it. Even
made a movie. Starred
Tom Cruise.
BOB
That was fiction.
TIFFANY
Some people didn't
think so.
BOB
I bet you were one ofthem.
He stares out the window, as dusk turns into
night.
BOB
I don't know why I
agreed to this. It's
stupid.
Tiffany grabs her recorder, the red lightstill glows.
TIFFANY
I thought you had a
story.
Tiffany appraises him, head cocked.
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BOB
I haven't been a
vampire that long.
TIFFANY
My luck to get a
newbie.
BOB
Sorry. Maybe we
should go out and get
a bite, or something.
Tiffany GIGGLES.
BOB
I didn't
mean...literally.
TIFFANY
Maybe we should go out
biting.
BOB
That's not what I
meant. I like to eat
alone. The biting
part. That's messy.
She walks over to him. Standing close. He
inhales deeply, savoring. He studies his
very pale hands.
TIFFANY
What kind of vampire
are you, anyway?
BOB
The usual kind.
She moves closer, tapping her toe
impatiently.
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TIFFANY
You have a totally
uncool name, you eat
real food, and hardly
seem passionate about
anything.
BOB
I was an investment
banker, kinda
conservative, and had
a really bad date, OK?
Frustrated he runs a hand through his
slightly too short hair.
BOB
This doesn't come with
an owner's manual.
I've got to figure it
out as I go.
Tiffany is disappointed.
TIFFANY
I thought I was going
to get an exclusive.
Make my editor look at
me, you know?
BOB
Aren't there any two
headed aliens out
there to interview?
TIFFANY
Carla got that one
last week.
BOBI see.
Tiffany picks up her recorder and CLICKS it
off. She whirls around, thrusts it in is and
CLICKS it back on.
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TIFFANY
Let's start this all
over again. So tell
me, Bob, like what do
you do all day?
Wearily.
BOB
I sleep.
TIFFANY
Oh, really?!
BOB
It' not really sleep.
It's profound sleep.
TIFFANY
Aren't you supposed to
be dead?
BOB
Technically, that's
true. Dead during the
day. I only come out
at night.
He LAUGHS weakly.
She shoves the recorder at him. He takes a
step back.
TIFFANY
Where, exactly do you
do this sleeping, or
being dead?
He takes a step back, she stays with him.
BOB
I'll show you.
He leads her to the
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BEDROOM
She SQUEALS with delight. It's a normal
bedroom, dresser, mirrors with a coffin in
place of the bed.
TIFFANY
Open it.
He lifts the lid.
BOB
I don' think a coffin
is strictly necessary.
But- it effectively
keeps the daylight
out.
Tiffany leans over and caresses the smooth
satin.
BOB
Would you like to try
it?
She nods and climbs in.
TIFFANYThis is kinda fun.
She crosses her arms on her chest.
TIFFANY
Like this? Do you do
it like this?
BOB
It doesn't matter.
Comfort isn't anissue. I'm dead,
remember?
TIFFANY
Right.
She snuggles into the satin.
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TIFFANY
Close it.
BOB
I don't think I
should...
TIFFANY
Close it!
He drops the lid. It SLAMS down.
He stares at the closed coffin, rocking back
on his heels.
Silence.
He cracks the lid.
TIFFANY
Cool!
Opening the lid all the way.
BOB
I wouldn't know. It
doesn't matter much
when you're dead.
He extends a hand to help her out. He reacts
to the warmth of her hand.
TIFFANY
No dirt?
BOB
I'm a big city
vampire. I don't have
any dirt. And thegarlic thing- I like
pasta with garlic and
oil.
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TIFFANY
You don't have to get
all huffy. My readers
want to know.
BOB
I'm sure you're going
to tell them all about
your coffin
experience.
She studies her hair, before tossing her
head.
TIFFANY
Of course.
He walks into the
LIVING ROOM
Followed closely by Tiffany. He's beginning
to sweat.
BOB
Listen, I don't think
this has gone very
well.
TIFFANY
It's gone OK. I got
some good info.
BOB
Then let's call it
quits.
He's visibly sweating.
INT. CROWDED BAR - NIGHT
Bob is seated next to a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
Drinks are in front of them.
They talk and laugh MOS.
The lean into each other.
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The beautiful woman caresses him, biting him
on the neck.
Slowly he drifts downward, head resting on
the bar.
Daintily she wipes her lips, satisfied, she
leaves.
INT. LIVING ROOM
TIFFANY
Hey, you're not
listening to me!
BOB
You said something?
TIFFANY
Yeah! I want to try
the rest of it!
Seductively adjusting her suit. She points
to her neck.
TIFFANY
C'mon! Ya' gotta eat!
BOB
You don't know what
you're asking.
TIFFANY
What could it hurt?!
This could be a
personal experience
story!
BOBNot a good idea. I
still don't know how
this whole thing
works.
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She presses herself against him. He is
sweating profusely. His very white hands
tremble.
He grabs her up, and nibbles at her neck.
Her eyes half close, almost swooning. He
thrusts her away.
BOB
I hope you're happy.
She staggers back, her eyes popping open in
surprise. She looks a little pale. His
hands begin to warm with color.
He bounds forward, grabbing her up,
ferociously sinking his teeth into her neck.
She GROANS and becomes limp. He lets her
sink to the floor.
Her eyelids flutter open. She gets up.
Horrified, Bob steps back.
TIFFANY
It happened?
BOB
Yes.
TIFFANY
Oh wow! Like, cool!
She studies her pale hands. Examining her
unchipped nails.
TIFFANY
Like, how many
vampires are out there
named Tiffany?
BOB
Entirely too many.
She tosses her head, her hair swinging
forward, studying the ends.
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TIFFANY
Hey!
BOB
What?!
TIFFANY
How come I'm not
perfect?!
BOB
In case you didn't
get the point, this is
quite far from a
perfect existence.
Sleep all day, up all
night. It's not
normal.
Intent on her hair.
TIFFANY
You mean I'm gonna
have split ends
forever?!
Bob stares at her, horror-struck.
FADE OUT:
THE END.