Emotion

Coaching

A teacher’s guide

What is emotion coaching?

• Emotion Coaching is a way of supporting yourself, young people and adults who are struggling to regulate their behaviour.

• It enables us to potentially diffuse and de-escalate situations where people become upset, angry or aggressive.

• When we emotion coach we consider what the feelings, needs and emotions are behind the behaviour.

• Whilst the research is grounded in parenting, the principle holds true more broadly for any interaction, including in the classroom.

Where does emotion coaching come from?

John Gottman is an American Psychologist who has developed research on emotional intelligence, using a five step method that builds emotional intelligence and creates positive, long lasting effects for children.

When can we emotion coach?

• 30-40% of the time • In moments of difficult emotion • As a communication tool

Why emotion coach?

• Strategy to deal with life’s ups and downs. • Accepting all emotions as normal. • Emotion Coaching uses moments of heightened emotion

and resulting behaviour to guide and teach the child and young person about more effective responses.

• Through empathetic engagement, the child's emotional state is verbally acknowledged and validated, promoting a sense of security and feeling 'felt'. This activates changes in the child's neurological system and allows the child to calm down, both physiologically and psychologically.

• A calmer student, a calmer teacher and a calmer classroom.

• More resilient students and teachers.

Reasons why Emotion coaching is such a

useful tool to use with young people?

Brain development

• Huge structural changes occurring between ages nine to 14.

• The thinking brain, the Cortex is at prime development between these times.

• Phase of ‘pruning’ (streamlining brain) connections between emotional and thinking brain. The saying is we strengthen it or lose it. If not developed then it can lead to poor connections between emotional and thinking brain.

Fatigue

• Sudden burst of growth, especially in the brain and heart. • Sleep changes. Melatonin, the hormone to induce sleep, is

naturally released around 1am for those aged around 13. For adults it is around 10pm.

Self-discovery

• Shift in importance of friendships. Some young people experience high conflicts at home and amongst peers.

• Finding out if they are normal then who are they as an individual. Self-comparison can have damaging effects if not handled in the right way.

Hormones

• Serotonin and dopamine are higher in young people. This can naturally result in a lower mood.

• Differences in temperament. As a teacher you will see this across large groups of young people. It is important to accept that we are all different and that’s good! Some will be more reactive and others will be less reactive.

Poor Emotional Regulation

Brain development

FatigueSelf-

discovery

Hormones

Dan Siegel’s 2014 Hand Model of the Brain

Daniel Siegel received his medical degree from Harvard University and completed his postgraduate medical education at UCLA with training in paediatrics and child, adolescent and adult psychiatry; studying family interactions with an emphasis on how attachment experiences influence emotions and behaviour. Daniel Siegel explains how the brain works using his hand model of the brain.

• The brain is still developing right up until the 20’s – it develops bottom up. Because this is not fully matured connectivity between regions it means a slower access to higher brain functions and rational thinking in the teenage years.

• At the age of 11-12 thickening peaks, which is a key learning stage for connecting emotions and rational thinking.

• After this, connections are hardwired or pruned – ‘use it or lose it’. However, emotion regulation can still be learnt, it just becomes more difficult.

• SHARE also teach students the hand model so that they can feel more in control of their emotions/bodies and they can regulate themselves.

At this point you should access a video on YouTube to explain in detail what happens when we struggle to regulate our emotions https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm9CIJ74Oxw&feature=youtu.be

Flipping our lid

• Both young people and adults can use this tool to recognise, and if needed, communicate when our emotions are rising before we flip our lid. This builds connection. The PERFECT time to emotion coach.

• Remember flipping our lid from time to time is completely normal.

• Often a lot of emotions which are hard for young people to identify, such as jealousy, feeling tired, boredom, aren’t always visible and are often hard to communicate and understand. These can build up causing our lids to flip.

• We often regret the way we behave when we flip our lid.

How can we self-regulate?

Have a go at completing this table for yourself.

When do I ‘flip my lid’

How did I behave?

What could I do better next time?

When I have too much to do.

I got frustrated and short tempered with the children and shouted at them.

Deep breathing away from room for a minute or two. Explain to the children that I had a lot on and felt a bit overwhelmed.

Here are some useful self-care ideas for teachers

How do we emotion coach?

PAUSE – recognise feelings and empathise.

1. Become aware of emotion. Especially if it is low

intensity.

2. Connect. This is an opportunity for connection.

3. Accept. All emotions are okay and you understand

that, even if it’s a difficult feeling for you.

4. Reflect. Say what you see, use words to describe

feelings.

5. End stage. Scaffold building problem solving,

encourage ideas from them or set boundaries and how it could be better next time.

• The pause is important!!! This provides time for you to check yourself emotionally in order to connect and help identify how they are feeling.

• Notice the emotion - look at the body language and facial expression.

• Help them to work out how they feel - simple question like ‘you look a little worried’ – this will give the connection the young person is looking for. This will help them to work out how they feel.

• Clarify with a question - this will help them to understand how they are feeling in order for them to name the emotion.

• Acknowledge, empathise and validate the emotion - This is one of the most important ways to respond to a young person. This can be done with non-verbal communication.

What messages do we give about

emotions?

• If you see a young person upset, quiet or even about to flip their lid, saying the typical British ‘stiff upper lip’ reply ‘it will be okay’, ‘it’s okay’, ‘don’t worry’ is actually dismissive. We all tend to do this naturally, it does not come from a bad place but it can be unhelpful. Telling someone not to worry has never stopped anybody worrying.

• Gender differences may impact how you view and respond to a young person’s emotions. For example, anger is acceptable for boys and crying is acceptable for girls. When in fact, all emotions are okay for all genders.

• Generational ideas which stem from the war time to hide and repress emotion still exist somewhat in our society. It also depends on how you were parented and how your emotions were dealt with during your teens. We are now in a new generation where emotions are much more able to be acknowledged. There is much more research and understanding around the function of emotions, however, it is relatively new.

Here are some emotion coaching conversation starters.

You look so happy.

That sounds difficult.

You seem a bit sad.

Gosh that’s awful.

Ohhh wow (with facial expression showing empathy).

Maybe you are cross with her?

It sounds like you were...

Hmm. And what was that like?

You seem a bit worried.

I wonder if you are a little jealous.

How frustrating?

I bet that made you feel pretty annoyed.

Which communication style are you?

Emotion coaching is a style of communication. If it doesn’t come

naturally to you it can be learnt. You must practice it and don’t

worry, it doesn’t have to be all the time and if you are not able to

manage it then start again next time.

At this point you should access a video on YouTube which demonstrates the difference between a dismissive and emotion coaching style approach https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38iEhl9_DW

Dismissing • Avoids emotions/wants to get over emotion quickly • Uses distraction

• Jumps straight to problem solving

Laissez Faire • Show empathy but offers little guidance

• Does not set limits

• Shows own emotions but unable to resolve them

Disapproving

• Judges and criticises emotions

• Viewed as sign of weakness • May see emotional display as manipulation

Emotion coaching

• Uses empathy to connect • All emotions are okay and healthy (but not all

behaviours) • Scaffolds problem solving

• Negotiates boundaries (where possible)

Dismissive Vs Emotion coaching role play

Being dismissive: Teacher and Jimmy

Teacher: Jimmy, you’re pretty quiet over there. You alright?

Jimmy: Yeah fine.

Teacher: You sure?

Jimmy: I said I’m fine. (In grumpy voice)

Teacher: Sorry I asked. I was just trying to help.

Jimmy: I didn’t ask for your help.

Teacher: (In an irritated voice) settle down! I was just trying to ask why you’re looking

so sad for yourself.

Jimmy: Whatever! (Walks away)

Emotion Coaching: Teacher and Jimmy Teacher: Jimmy, you’re pretty quiet over there. You alright?

Jimmy: Yeah fine.

Teacher: You sure?

Jimmy: I said I’m fine. (In grumpy voice)

Teacher: Okay. (Pause) You look a little down right now. I was just wondering if there’s

something going on.

Jimmy: Nah, nothing really. I’m just pretty sick of everything.

Teacher: Oh. Sounds tough. (Pause) Is it anything to do with friends?

Jimmy: Yeah, I’m so over it. They just let me down all the time and I don’t want to hang

out with the idiots anymore.

Teacher: Anyone done anything in particular?

Jimmy: Yeah. They keep teasing me and saying that I’m gay.

Teacher: Sounds like you’re feeling a bit hurt.

Jimmy: It’s not like I don’t want a girlfriend. But my friends say I’m useless with girls

and that I must like guys.

Teacher: Teasing can be so hurtful. But there’s nothing wrong with being gay, or liking

guys. Mr Martin is gay, and he’s pretty cool isn’t he?

Jimmy: Yeah, he is great. It just makes me feel bad when they say I am.

Teacher: For some reason, guys often say someone’s gay when they want to make that person feel left out, or bad about themselves. I remember it

happened to me when I was at school. I wasn’t too confident with girls

myself at the time, and getting teased didn’t help.

Jimmy: I wish I could just ignore it.

Teacher: Yeah. That’s the best thing. Once they see you don’t react, it gets boring and

they go for someone else. But ignoring it can be hard.

Jimmy: Yeah, that’s what I’ve gotta do. But I feel like punching them sometimes!

Teacher: Yeah, you’ve got to get that angry stuff out somewhere else. How about a kick of the football or using the gym at lunch?

Emotion coaching isn’t always easy. Especially if you’re too busy, too tired or doing other things, or if you struggle to empathise with others…this will develop the more times you allow yourself to connect with anyone around you... At this point you should access a video on YouTube which demonstrates the difference between sympathy and empathy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Extra tips for Emotion Coaching

• Avoid excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking teenagers.

• Challenge your own ideas about how you ‘should’ be as a teacher or how your students ‘should’ be at this age.

• Take time to praise your students.

• Listen to your student’s point of view first if they are willing to share in difficult times.

• You can always offer to talk later if you’re busy or refer them to another member of staff.

• If a student choses to connect with you, it is a compliment. Take it.

• Don’t try to impose your solutions on their problems.

• Empower them by giving choices and respecting wishes.

• Be honest with them.

• Turn towards, don’t walk away.

Other services and further information

emotioncoaching.gottman.com First set of lectures free.

emotioncoaching.groupsite.com

Sign up for resources, videos and more.

emotionintelligence.co.uk E-learning.

mindfulemotioncoaching.co.uk