Part I PIONEERS OF A.A.Dr. Bob and the nine men and women who here telltheirstorieswereamongtheearlymembersofA.A.srstgroups.Alltenhavenowpassedawayofnaturalcauses,havingmaintainedcompletesobriety. Today, hundreds of additional A.A. members can befoundwhohavehadnorelapseformorethanftyyears.All of these, then, are the pioneers of A.A. They bearwitness that release from alcoholism can really be per-manent.Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 169DOCTOR BOBS NIGHTMAREAco-founderofAlcoholicsAnonymous.ThebirthofourSocietydatesfromhisrstdayofpermanentsobriety, June 10,1935.To1950,theyearofhisdeath,hecarriedtheA.A.messagetomorethan5,000 alcoholicmenandwomen,andtoallthesehegavehismedicalserviceswithout thought of charge.Inthisprodigyofservice,hewaswellassistedbySisterIgnatiaatSt.ThomasHospitalinAkron,Ohio,oneofthegreatestfriendsourFellowshipwilleverknow. Iwasborn inasmallNewEnglandvillageofaboutseventhousandsouls.Thegeneralmoralstandardwas,asIrecallit,farabovetheaverage.Nobeer or liquor was sold in the neighborhood, except attheStateliquoragencywhereperhapsonemight procureapintifhecouldconvincetheagentthathereallyneededit.Withoutthisprooftheexpectant purchaserwouldbeforcedtodepartemptyhandedwithnoneofwhatIlatercametobelievewasthegreatpanaceaforallhumanills.MenwhohadliquorshippedinfromBostonorNewYorkbyexpresswerelookeduponwithgreatdistrustanddisfavorbymostofthegoodtownspeople.Thetownwaswellsup -pliedwithchurchesandschoolsinwhichIpursuedmy earlyeducationalactivities.Myfatherwasaprofessionalmanofrecognizedabilityandbothmyfatherandmotherweremost171Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 171 activeinchurchaffairs.Bothfatherandmotherwereconsiderablyabovetheaverage in intelligence.Unfortunatelyforme,Iwastheonlychild,whichperhaps engendered the selshness which played suchanimportant partinbringing on my alcoholism.From childhood through high school I was more orlessforcedtogotochurch,SundaySchoolandeve -ningservice,MondaynightChristianEndeavorandsometimestoWednesdayeveningprayermeeting.ThishadtheeffectofmakingmeresolvethatwhenIwasfreefromparentaldomination,Iwouldneveragaindarkenthedoorsofachurch.ThisresolutionIkeptsteadfastlyforthenextfortyyears,exceptwhencircumstancesmadeit seemunwise to absent myself.After high school came four years in one of the bestcolleges in the country where drinking seemed to be amajorextra-curricularactivity.Almosteveryoneseemed to do it. I did it more and more, and had lotsof fun without much grief, either physical or nancial.Iseemedtobeabletosnapbackthenextmorningbetterthanmostofmyfellowdrinkers,whowerecursed (or perhaps blessed) with a great deal of morn-ing-afternausea.NeveronceinmylifehaveIhada headache,whichfactleadsmetobelievethatIwasanalcoholicalmostfromthestart.MywholelifeseemedtobecenteredarounddoingwhatIwantedto do,withoutregardfortherights,wishes,orprivi-legesofanyoneelse;astateofmindwhichbecamemoreandmorepredominantastheyearspassed.Iwasgraduatedsummacumlaudeintheeyesofthedrinkingfraternity,butnot inthe eyes of the Dean.The next three years I spent in Boston, Chicago, andMontreal in the employ of a large manufacturing con-172 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 172cern,sellingrailwaysupplies,gasenginesofallsorts,andmanyotheritemsofheavyhardware.Duringtheseyears,Idrankasmuchasmypursepermitted,stillwithoutpayingtoogreatapenalty,althoughIwas beginningtohavemorningjittersattimes.Ilostonlyahalfdays workduring these three years.My next move was to take up the study of medicine,enteringoneofthelargestuniversitiesinthecountry.ThereItookupthebusinessofdrinkingwithmuchgreaterearnestnessthanIhadpreviouslyshown.Onaccountofmyenormouscapacityforbeer,Iwaselected to membership in one of the drinking societies,andsoonbecameoneoftheleadingspirits.Manymornings I have gone to classes, and even though fullyprepared,wouldturnandwalkbacktothefraternityhousebecauseofmyjitters,notdaringtoentertheclassroom for fear of making a scene should I be calledon forrecitation.This went from bad to worse until Sophomore springwhen, after a prolonged period of drinking, I made upmymindthatIcouldnotcompletemycourse,soIpacked my grip and went South to spend a month on alarge farm owned by a friend of mine. When I got thefog out of my brain, I decided that quitting school wasvery foolish and that I had better return and continuemywork.WhenIreachedschool,Idiscoveredthefacultyhadotherideasonthesubject.Aftermuch argumenttheyallowedmetoreturnandtakemyexams, all of which I passed creditably. But they weremuchdisgustedandtoldmetheywouldattempttostruggle along without my presence. After many pain -fuldiscussions,theynallygavememycreditsandIDOCTOR BOBS NIGHTMARE 173Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 173migratedtoanotheroftheleadinguniversitiesofthecountry andenteredas aJunior that fall.TheremydrinkingbecamesomuchworsethattheboysinthefraternityhousewhereIlivedfeltforcedtosendformyfather,whomadealongjourneyinthe vain endeavor to get me straightened around. ThishadlittleeffecthoweverforIkeptondrinkingandusedagreatdealmorehardliquorthaninformeryears.CominguptonalexamsIwentonaparticularlystrenuous spree. When I went in to write the examina -tions,myhandtrembledsoIcouldnotholdapencil.Ipassedinatleastthreeabsolutelyblankbooks.Iwas, of course, soon on the carpet and the upshot wasthatIhadtogobackfortwomorequartersandre-mainabsolutelydry,ifIwishedtograduate.ThisIdid, andprovedmyselfsatisfactorytothefaculty,both indeportmentandscholastically.IconductedmyselfsocreditablythatIwasabletosecureamuchcovetedinternshipinawesterncity,whereIspenttwoyears.DuringthesetwoyearsIwas keptsobusythatIhardlyleftthehospitalatall.Consequently,Icouldnot get into any trouble.Whenthosetwoyearswereup,Iopenedanofcedowntown.Ihadsomemoney,allthetimeintheworld,andconsiderablestomachtrouble.Isoondis-coveredthatacoupleofdrinkswouldalleviatemygastric distress, at least for a few hours at a time, so itwasnotatalldifcultformetoreturntomyformerexcessiveindulgence.BythistimeIwasbeginningtopayverydearlyphysicallyand,inhopeofrelief,voluntarilyincar-ceratedmyselfatleastadozentimesinoneofthe174 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 174localsanitariums.IwasbetweenScyllaandCharyb -disnow,becauseifIdidnotdrinkmystomach torturedme,andifIdid,mynervesdidthesamething.Afterthreeyearsofthis,Iwoundupinthelocal hospitalwheretheyattemptedtohelpme,butI wouldgetmyfriendstosmugglemeaquart,orIwouldstealthealcoholaboutthebuilding,sothatIgot rapidlyworse.Finally my father had to send a doctor out from myhometownwhomanagedtogetmebackthereinsomeway,andIwasinbedabouttwomonthsbeforeI could venture out of the house. I stayed about towna couple of months more and then returned to resumemypractice.IthinkImusthavebeenthoroughlyscaredbywhathadhappened,orbythedoctor,orprobablyboth,sothatIdidnottouchadrinkagainuntilthe countrywentdry.WiththepassingoftheEighteenthAmendmentIfeltquitesafe.Ikneweveryonewouldbuyafew bottles,orcases,ofliquorastheirexchequersper -mitted,andthatitwouldsoonbegone.Thereforeitwouldmakenogreatdifference,evenifIshoulddosomedrinking.AtthattimeIwasnotawareofthe almostunlimitedsupplythegovernmentmadeitpos-sibleforusdoctorstoobtain,neitherhadIany knowledgeofthebootleggerwhosoonappearedonthehorizon.Idrankwithmoderationatrst,butittookmeonlyarelativelyshorttimetodriftbackintotheoldhabitswhichhadwoundupsodisastrously before.During the next few years, I developed two distinctphobias.Onewasthefearofnotsleeping,andtheother was the fear of running out of liquor. Not beingDOCTOR BOBS NIGHTMARE 175Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 175amanofmeans,IknewthatifIdidnotstaysoberenough to earn money, I would run out of liquor. Mostofthetime,therefore,Ididnottakethemorn -ing drinkwhichIcravedsobadly,butinsteadwouldlluponlargedosesofsedativestoquietthejitters,whichdistressedmeterribly.Occasionally,Iwouldyieldtothemorningcraving,butifIdid,itwouldbeonlyafewhoursbeforeIwouldbequiteuntforwork.Thiswouldlessenmychancesofsmugglingsomehomethatevening,whichinturnwouldmeana nightoffutiletossingaroundinbedfollowedbyamorningofunbearablejitters.DuringthesubsequentfteenyearsIhadsenseenoughnevertogotothehospitalifIhadbeendrinking,andveryseldomdidI receivepatients.IwouldsometimeshideoutinoneoftheclubsofwhichIwasamember,andhadthehabit at times of registering at a hotel under a ctitiousname.ButmyfriendsusuallyfoundmeandIwouldgo home if they promised that I should not be scolded.Ifmywifewasplanningtogooutintheafternoon,Iwouldgetalargesupplyofliquorandsmuggleithomeandhideitinthecoalbin,theclotheschute,over door jambs, over beams in the cellar and in cracksinthecellartile.Ialsomadeuseofoldtrunksandchests,theoldcancontainer,andeventheashcon-tainer.ThewatertankonthetoiletIneverused, becausethatlookedtooeasy.Ifoundoutlaterthatmy wifeinspecteditfrequently.Iusedtoputeightor twelveouncebottlesofalcoholinafurlinedgloveandtossitontothebackairingporchwhenwinterdaysgotdarkenough.Mybootleggerhadhidden alcoholatthebackstepswhereIcouldgetitatmyconvenience.SometimesIwouldbringitinmy176 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 176 pockets,buttheywereinspected,andthatbecametoo risky. I used also to put it up in four ounce bottlesandstickseveralinmystockingtops.ThisworkednicelyuntilmywifeandIwenttoseeWallaceBeeryinTugboatAnnie,afterwhichthepant-legandstockingracketwereout!Iwillnottakespacetorelateallmyhospitalor sanitariumexperiences.Duringallthistimewebecamemoreorlessostra-cizedbyourfriends.Wecouldnotbeinvitedout becauseIwouldsurelygettightandmywifedarednotinvitepeopleinforthesamereason.MyphobiaforsleeplessnessdemandedthatIgetdrunkeverynight,butinordertogetmoreliquorforthenextnight,Ihadtostaysoberduringtheday,atleastupto fouroclock.Thisroutinewentonwithfewinter-ruptionsforseventeenyears.Itwasreallyahorriblenightmare,thisearningmoney,gettingliquor,smug-glingithome,gettingdrunk,morningjitters,takinglargedosesofsedativestomakeitpossibleformetoearnmoremoney,andsoonadnauseam.Iusedtopromisemywife,myfriends,andmychildrenthatI woulddrinknomorepromiseswhichseldomkeptmesobereventhroughtheday,thoughIwasvery sincere whenI made them.Forthebenetofthoseexperimentallyinclined,Ishouldmentiontheso-calledbeerexperiment.Whenbeerrstcameback,IthoughtthatIwassafe.Icould drinkallIwantedofthat.Itwasharmless; nobodyevergotdrunkonbeer.SoIlledthecellarfull,withthepermissionofmygoodwife.ItwasnotlongbeforeIwasdrinkingatleastacaseandahalfaday.IputonthirtypoundsofweightinabouttwoDOCTOR BOBS NIGHTMARE 177Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 177months, looked like a pig, and was uncomfortable fromshortnessofbreath.Itthenoccurredtomethatafteronewasallsmelledupwithbeernobodycouldtellwhathadbeendrunk,soIbegantofortifymybeerwithstraightalcohol.Ofcourse,theresultwasverybad, andthat ended thebeer experiment.About the time of the beer experiment I was throwninwithacrowdofpeoplewhoattractedmebecauseoftheirseemingpoise,health,andhappiness.Theyspoke with great freedom from embarrassment, whichIcouldneverdo,andtheyseemedverymuchateaseonalloccasionsandappearedveryhealthy.Morethan theseattributes,theyseemedtobehappy.Iwasselfconsciousandillateasemostofthetime,myhealth was at the breaking point, and I was thoroughlymiserable.IsensedtheyhadsomethingIdidnothave, from which I might readily prot. I learned thatitwassomethingofaspiritualnature,whichdidnotappeal to me very much, but I thought it could do noharm.Igavethemattermuchtimeandstudyforthenexttwoandahalfyears,butIstillgottighteverynight nevertheless. I read everything I could nd, andtalkedtoeveryonewhoIthoughtknewanythingabout it.Mywifebecamedeeplyinterestedanditwasherinterestthatsustainedmine,thoughIatnotimesensedthatitmightbeananswertomyliquorprob-lem.Howmywifekeptherfaithandcourageduringall those years, Ill never know, but she did. If she hadnot,IknowIwouldhavebeendeadalongtimeago.Forsomereason,wealcoholicsseemtohavethegiftofpickingouttheworldsnestwomen.Whythey178 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 178shouldbesubjectedtothetorturesweinictuponthem,Icannot explain.About this time a lady called up my wife one Satur-day afternoon saying she wanted me to come over thateveningtomeetafriendofherswhomighthelpme.ItwasthedaybeforeMothersDayandIhadcomehomeplastered,carryingabigpottedplantwhichIset down on the table and forthwith went upstairs andpassedout.Thenextdayshecalledagain.Wishingto bepolite,thoughIfeltverybadly,Isaid,Letsmake the call, and extracted from my wife a promisethatwe would notstayoverfteen minutes.Weenteredherhouseatexactlyveoclockanditwaselevenfteenwhenweleft.Ihadacoupleofshortertalkswiththismanafterward,andstoppeddrinking abruptly. This dry spell lasted for about threeweeks;thenIwenttoAtlanticCitytoattendseveraldaysmeetingofanationalsocietyofwhichIwasamember.Idrankallthescotchtheyhadonthetrainandboughtseveralquartsonmywaytothehotel.ThiswasonSunday.Igottightthatnight,stayedsober Monday till after the dinner and then proceededtogettightagain.IdrankallIdaredinthebar,andthenwenttomyroomtonishthejob.TuesdayIstarted in the morning, getting well organized by noon.IdidnotwanttodisgracemyselfsoIthencheckedout.Iboughtsomemoreliquoronthewaytothedepot. I had to wait some time for the train. I remem -ber nothing from then on until I woke up at a friendshouse,inatownnearhome.Thesegoodpeoplenoti-edmywife,whosentmynewlymadefriendovertogetme.Hecameandgotmehomeandtobed,gaveDOCTOR BOBS NIGHTMARE 179Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 179me a few drinks that night, and one bottle of beer thenextmorning.That was June 10, 1935, and that was my last drink.AsI writenearlyfouryears have passed.The question which might naturally come into yourmind would be: What did the man do or say that wasdifferent from what others had done or said? It mustbe remembered that I had read a great deal and talkedto everyone who knew, or thought they knew anythingaboutthesubjectofalcoholism.Butthiswasamanwhohadexperiencedmanyyearsoffrightfuldrink -ing,whohadhadmostallthedrunkardsexperiencesknowntoman,butwhohadbeencuredbytheverymeansIhadbeentryingtoemploy,thatistosaythespiritualapproach.Hegavemeinformationaboutthe subjectofalcoholismwhichwasundoubtedly helpful. OffarmoreimportancewasthefactthathewastherstlivinghumanwithwhomIhadevertalked, who knew what he was talking about in regard to alcoholismfromactualexperience.Inotherwords,he talkedmylanguage. Heknewalltheanswers,andcertainlynotbecausehehadpickedthemupinhisreading.It is a most wonderful blessing to be relieved of theterriblecursewithwhichIwasaficted.MyhealthisgoodandIhaveregainedmyself-respectandthere-spectofmycolleagues.Myhomelifeisidealandmybusinessisasgoodascanbeexpectedintheseun -certaintimes.IspendagreatdealoftimepassingonwhatIlearnedtootherswhowantandneeditbadly.Idoitforfourreasons:180 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 1801. Senseofduty.2. Itisapleasure.3. Because in so doing I am paying my debt to themanwhotooktimetopass it on to me.4. Because every time I do it I take out a little moreinsurance for myself against a possible slip.Unlikemostofourcrowd,Ididnotgetovermycravingforliquormuchduringthersttwoandone-halfyearsofabstinence.Itwasalmostalwayswithme. ButatnotimehaveIbeenanywherenearyield-ing. I used to get terribly upset when I saw my friendsdrinkandknewIcouldnot,butIschooledmyselftobelievethatthoughIoncehadthesameprivilege,Ihadabuseditsofrightfullythatitwaswithdrawn.Soit doesnt behoove me to squawk about it for, after all,nobodyeverhadtothrowmedownandpourliquordownmy throat.Ifyouthinkyouareanatheist,anagnostic,a skeptic,orhaveanyotherformofintellectualpridewhichkeepsyoufromacceptingwhatisinthisbook,Ifeelsorryforyou.Ifyoustillthinkyouarestrongenoughtobeatthegamealone,thatisyouraffair.But ifyoureallyandtrulywanttoquitdrinkingliquor forgoodandall,andsincerelyfeelthatyoumust have some help, we know that we have an answerforyou.Itneverfails,ifyougoaboutitwithonehalfthezealyouhavebeeninthehabitofshowingwhenyou weregettinganother drink.YourHeavenlyFatherwill never let you down!DOCTOR BOBS NIGHTMARE 181Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 181(1)ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUSNUMBER THREEPioneermemberofAkronsGroupNo.1,therstA.A.groupintheworld.Hekeptthefaith;therefore,he and countless others found a new life. Oneofve children,IwasbornonaKentuckyfarminCarlyleCounty.Myparentswerewell-to-dopeople,andtheirmarriagewasahappyone.My wife,aKentuckygirl,camewithmetoAkronwhere I completed my course in law at the Akron LawSchool. Mycaseisratherunusualinonerespect.Therewere no childhood episodes of unhappiness to accountformyalcoholism.Ihad,seemingly,justanaturalafnityforgrog.Mymarriagewashappy,andIneverhadanyofthereasons,consciousorunconscious,whichareoftengivenfordrinking.Yet,asmyrecordshows, I did becomeanextremely serious case.Before my drinking had cut me down completely, Iachievedaconsiderablemeasureofsuccess,havingbeenacitycouncilmanforveyearsandanancialdirectorofasuburblatertakenintothecityitself.But,ofcourse,thisallwentdownthedrainwithmyincreaseddrinking.So,atthetimeDr.BobandBillcamealong,Ihadaboutrunout my strength.The rst time that I became intoxicated I was eightyears old. This was no fault of my father or mother, as182Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 182theywerebothverymuchopposedtodrinking.A coupleofhiredhandswerecleaningoutthebarnonthefarm,andIwasridingtoandfroonthesled,andwhiletheywereloading,Idrankhardcideroutofabarrelinthebarn.Onthereturntrip,aftertwoorthreeloads,Ipassedoutandhadtobecarriedtothehouse.Irememberthatmyfatherkeptwhiskeyaround the house for medical purposes and entertain-ment,andIwoulddrinkfromthiswhennoonewasaboutandthenwaterittokeepmyparentsfromknowing I was drinking.ThiscontinueduntilIenrolledinourstateuniver-sity,andattheendofthefouryears,IrealizedthatIwas a drunk. Morning after morning I awoke sick andwithterriblejitters,buttherewasalwaysaaskofliquorsittingonthetablebesidemybed.Iwouldreachoverandgetthisandtakeashotandinafewmomentsgetupandtakeanother,shave,eatmybreakfast,slipahalfpintofliquorinmyhippocket,andgoontoschool.BetweenclassesIwouldrundowntothewashroom,takeenoughtosteadymynerves,andthengoontothenextclass.Thiswasin1917.Ilefttheuniversityinthelatterpartofmysenioryearandenlistedinthearmy.Atthetime,Icalleditpatriotism.LaterIrealizedthatIwasrunningfrom alcohol.Itdidhelptoacertainextent,sinceIfoundmyselfinplaceswhereIcouldnotobtainanythingtodrinkandsobrokethehabitualdrinking.Then Prohibition came into effect, and the facts thatthestuffobtainablewassohorribleandsometimesdeadly,andthatIhadmarriedandhadajobwhichIhad to look after, helped me for a period of some threeALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS NUMBER THREE 183Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 183or four years, although I would get drunk every time Icouldgetholdofenoughtodrinktogetstarted.MywifeandIbelongedtosomebridgeclubs,andtheybegantomakewineandserveit.However,aftertwoorthreetrials,Ifoundthiswasnotsatisfactorybe-causetheydidnotserveenoughtosatisfyme.SoIwouldrefusetodrink.Thisproblemwassoonsolved,however,asIbegantotakemybottlealongwithmeandhideitinthebathroomorintheshrubberyout-side.As time went on, my drinking became progressivelyworse.Iwouldbeawayfrommyofcetwoorthreeweeksatatime,horribledaysandnightswhenIwouldlieontheoorofmyhomeandreachoverto getthebottle,takeadrink,andthengobackinto oblivion.Duringtherstsixmonthsof1935,Iwashospital-izedeighttimesforintoxicationandshackledtothebed two or three days before I even knew where I was.On June 26, 1935, I came to in the hospital, and tosayIwasdiscouragedistoputitmildly.Eachoftheseven times that I had left this hospital in the previoussixmonths,IhadcomeoutfullydeterminedinmyownmindthatIwouldnotgetdrunkagainforatleastsixoreightmonths.Ithadntworkedoutthatway,andIdidntknowwhatthematterwasanddidnot knowwhattodo.Iwasmovedintoanotherroomthatmorningandtherewasmywife.Ithoughttomyself,Well,sheisgoingtotellmethisistheend,andIcertainlycouldnt blame her and did not intend to try to justifymyself.Shetoldmethatshehadbeentalkingtoacoupleoffellowsaboutdrinking.Iresentedthisvery184 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 184much,untilsheinformedmethattheywereacoupleofdrunksjustasIwas.Thatwasntsobad,totellitto another drunk.Shesaid,Youaregoingtoquit.Thatwasworthalot even though I did not believe it. Then she told methatthesetwodrunksshehadbeentalkingtohadaplanwherebytheythoughttheycouldquitdrinking,andpartofthatplanwasthattheytellittoanotherdrunk.Thiswasgoingtohelpthemtostaysober.Allthe other people who had talked to me wanted to helpme, and my pride prevented me from listening to themand caused only resentment on my part, but I felt as ifIwouldbearealstinkerifIdidnotlistentoacoupleof fellows for a short time, if that would cure them. MywifealsotoldmethatIcouldnotpaythemevenifIwanted to and had the money, which I did not.TheycameinandbegantogivemeinstructionintheprogramthatlaterbecameknownasAlcoholicsAnonymous.Therewas notmuch of it at thattime.Ilookedupandthereweretwogreatbigfellowsoversix-foottall,verylikablelooking.(Iknewafter-wardsthatthetwowhocameinwereBillW.andDoctorBob.)Beforeverylongwebegantorelatesomeincidentsofourdrinking,andprettysoonI realizedthatbothofthemknewwhattheyweretalk-ingabout,becauseyoucanseethingsandsmellthings when youre drunk that you cant other times. IfIhadthoughttheydidntknowwhattheyweretalk-ing about, I wouldnt have been willing to talk to themat all.Afterawhile,Billsaid,Well,now,youvebeentalking a good long time, let me talk a minute or two.So,afterhearingsomemoreofmystory,heturnedALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS NUMBER THREE 185Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 185around and said to DocI dont think he knew I heardhim,butIdidhesaid,Well,Ibelievehesworthsavingandworkingon.Theysaidtome,Doyouwanttoquitdrinking?Itsnoneofourbusinessaboutyourdrinking.Werenotupheretryingtotakeanyof yourrightsorprivilegesawayfromyou,butwehaveaprogramwherebywethinkwecanstaysober.Part of that program is that we take it to someone elsewhoneedsitandwantsit.Now,ifyoudontwantit,wellnottakeupyourtime,andwellbegoingandlookingforsomeoneelse.ThenextthingtheywantedtoknowwasifIthoughtIcouldquitofmyownaccord,withoutanyhelp, if I could just walk out of the hospital and nevertakeanotherdrink.IfIcould,thatwaswonderful,that wasjustne,andtheywouldverymuchappre -ciateapersonwhohadthatkindofpower,buttheywerelookingforamanwhoknewhehadaproblemandknewhecouldnthandleithimselfandneededoutsidehelp.Thenextthingtheywantedtoknowwas ifIbelievedinaHigherPower.IhadnotroubletherebecauseIhadneveractuallyceasedtobelievein Godandhadtriedlotsoftimestogethelpbuthadntsucceeded.NexttheywantedtoknowwouldI bewillingtogotothisHigherPowerandaskforhelp, calmlyandwithoutany reservations.They left this with me to think over, and I lay thereon that hospital bed and went back over and reviewedmylife.Ithoughtofwhatliquorhaddonetome,theopportunitiesthatIhaddiscarded,theabilitiesthathadbeengivenmeandhowIhadwastedthem,andI nallycametotheconclusionthatifIdidntwant186 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 186to quit,Icertainlyoughttowantto,andthatIwaswilling to doanythingintheworldto stop drinking.IwaswillingtoadmittomyselfthatIhadhitbot-tom, that I had gotten hold of something that I didntknowhowtohandlebymyself.Soafterreviewingthesethingsandrealizingwhatliquorhadcostme,Iwent to this Higher Power that, to me, was God, with-outanyreservation,andadmittedthatIwascom-pletelypowerlessoveralcoholandthatIwaswillingto do anything in the world to get rid of the problem.Infact,IadmittedthatfromthenonIwaswillingtoletGodtakeoverinsteadofme.EachdayIwouldtry tondoutwhatHiswillwasandtrytofollowthat, ratherthantryingtogetHimtoalwaysagreethat the things I thought up for myself were the thingsbestfor me. So,when they came back, I told them.Oneofthefellows,IthinkitwasDoc,said,Well,youwanttoquit?Isaid,Yes,Doc,Iwouldliketoquit,atleastforve,six,oreightmonths,untilIgetthings straightened up, and begin to get the respect ofmywifeandsomeotherpeopleback,andgetmy nancesxedupandsoon.Andtheybothlaughedvery heartily and said, Thats better than youve beendoing,isntit?Whichofcoursewastrue.Theysaid,Wevegotsomebadnewsforyou.Itwasbadnewsforus,anditwillprobablybebadnewsforyou.Whether you quit six days, months, or years, if you goout and take a drink or two, youll end up in this hos-pitaltieddown,justlikeyouhavebeeninthesepastsixmonths.Youareanalcoholic.AsfarasIknowthat wasthersttimeIhadeverpaidanyattentionto thatword.IguredIwasjustadrunk.Andtheysaid, No, you have a disease, and it doesnt make anyALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS NUMBER THREE 187Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 187difference how long you do without it, after a drink ortwoyoullendupjustlikeyouarenow.Thatcer -tainlywasrealdisheartening news, at the time.Thenextquestiontheyaskedwas,Youcanquittwenty-fourhours,cantyou?Isaid,Sure,yes,any-bodycandothat,fortwenty-fourhours.Theysaid,Thatswhatweretalkingabout.Justtwenty-fourhoursatatime.Thatsuredidtakealoadoffofmymind.EverytimeIdstartthinkingaboutdrinking,Iwouldthinkofthelong,dryyearsaheadwithouthav-ingadrink;butthisideaoftwenty-fourhours,thatitwas uptomefrom thenon,was a lot of help.(Atthispoint,theEditorsintrudejustlongenoughtosupplementBillD.saccount,thatofthemanonthebed,withthatofBillW.,themanwhosatbythesideofthebed.) Says BillW.:Nineteen years ago last summer, Dr. Bob and I saw him(BillD.)forthersttime.Billlayonhishospitalbedandlooked at us inwonder.Twodaysbeforethis,Dr.Bobhadsaidtome,IfyouandIaregoingtostaysober,wehadbettergetbusy.Straightway,BobcalledAkronsCityHospitalandaskedfor thenurseonthereceivingward.HeexplainedthatheandamanfromNewYorkhadacureforalcoholism.Didshe have an alcoholic customer on whom it could be tried?KnowingBobofold,shejokinglyreplied,Well,Doctor,I suppose youvealreadytriedit yourself?Yes,shedidhaveacustomeradandy.Hehadjust arrivedinD.T.s,hadblackedtheeyesoftwonurses,andnow they had him strapped down tight. Would this one do?Afterprescribingmedicines,Dr.Bobordered,Puthimina private room.Wellbe down assoonasheclears up.Billdidntseemtooimpressed.Lookingsadderthanever,hewearilyventured,Well,thisiswonderfulforyoufellows,butitcantbeforme.MycaseissoterriblethatImscaredtogooutofthishospitalatall.Youdonthave188 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 188to sellmereligion,either.Iwasatonetimeadeaconinthe church,andIstillbelieveinGod.ButIguessHedoesnt believemuchinme.ThenDr.Bobsaid,Well,Bill,maybeyoullfeelbettertomorrow. Wouldntyoulike to seeus again?SureIwould,repliedBill,Maybeitwontdoanygood,butIdliketoseeyouboth,anyhow.Youcertainlyknow what you are talking about.Lookinginlater,wefoundBillwithhiswife,Henrietta.Eagerlyhepointedtoussaying,ThesearethefellowsItold you about; theyare the oneswhounderstand.Bill then related how he had lain awake nearly all night.Down in the pit of his depression, new hope had somehowbeenborn.Thethoughtashedthroughhismind,Ifthey candoit,Icandoit!Overandoverhesaidthistohimself.Finally,outofhishope,thereburstconviction.Nowhewassure.Thencameagreatjoy.Atlength,peacestole over him and heslept.Before our visit was over, Bill suddenly turned to his wifeandsaid,Gofetchmyclothes,dear.Weregoingtoget up andgetoutofhere.BillD.walkedoutofthat hospital a free man,nevertodrinkagain.A.A.s NumberOne Group datesfromthat veryday.(Bill D. nowcontinueshisstory.) It was in the next two or three days after I had rstmetDocandBillthatInallycametoadecisiontoturnmywillovertoGodandtogoalongwiththis programthebestthatIcould.Theirtalkandactionhadinstilledinmeacertainamountofcondence, althoughIwasnottooabsolutelycertain.Iwasntafraidthattheprogramwouldntwork,butIstillwasdoubtfulwhetherIwouldbeabletohangontotheprogram,butIdidcometotheconclusionthatIwaswillingtoputeverythingIhadintoit,withGodspower,andthatIwantedtodojustthat.AssoonasI had done that, I did feel a great release. I knew thatALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS NUMBER THREE 189Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 189I had a helper whom I could rely upon, who wouldntfailme.IfIcouldsticktoHimandlisten,Iwouldmakeit.Irememberwhentheboyscameback,I told them,IhavegonetothisHigherPower,andI havetoldHimthatIamwillingtoputHisworldrst,aboveeverything.Ihavealreadydoneit,andIamwillingtodoitagainhereinthepresenceofyou,orIamwillingtosayitanyplace,anywhereintheworldfromnowonandnotbeashamedofit.Andthis certainly gave me a lot of condence and seemedtotakealotoftheburdenoff me.I remember telling them too that it was going to beawfullytough,becauseIdidsomeotherthings,smokedcigarettesandplayedpennyantepokerandsometimesbetonthehorseraces,andtheysaid,Dontyouthinkyourehavingmoretroublewiththis drinkingthanwithanythingelseatthepresenttime?Dontyoubelieveyouaregoingtohaveallyou candotogetridofthat?Yes,Isaid,reluc-tantly, I probably will. They said, Lets forget aboutthoseotherthings,thatis,tryingtoeliminatethemall atonce,andconcentrateonthedrink.Ofcourse,we had talked over quite a number of the failings thatIhadandmadeasortofaninventory,whichwasnttoodifcult,becauseIhadanawfullotofthingswrong that were very apparent to me. Then they said,There is one other thing. You should go out and takethisprogramtosomebodyelsewhoneedsitandwants it.Of course, by this time, my business was practicallynonexistent.Ididnthaveany.Naturally,forquitea time,Iwasnttoowellphysically,either.Ittookmea year, or a year and a half, to get to feeling physically190 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 190well,anditwasrathertough,butIsoonfoundfolkswhosefriendshipIhadoncehad,andIfound,afterIhadbeensoberforquitesomelittletime,thatthesepeoplebegantoactliketheyhadinpreviousyears,before I had gotten so bad, so that I didnt pay too aw -fulmuchattentiontonancialgains.Ispentmostofmytimetryingtogetbackthesefriendshipsandtomakesomerecompensetowardmywife,whomIhadhurta lot.ItwouldbehardtoestimatehowmuchA.A.hasdoneforme.Ireallywantedtheprogram,andIwantedtogoalongwithit.Inoticedthattheothersseemedtohavesucharelease,ahappiness,asome-thingthatIthoughtapersonoughttohave.Iwas tryingtondtheanswer.Iknewtherewasevenmore, something that I hadnt got, and I remember oneday,aweekortwoafterIhadcomeoutofthehospi-tal,Billwasatmyhousetalkingtomywifeandme. Wewereeatinglunch,andIwaslisteningand tryingtondoutwhytheyhadthisreleasethattheyseemed to have. Bill looked across at my wife and saidto her, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful tome, curing me of this terrible disease, that I just wanttokeep talkingaboutitandtelling people.Ithought,IthinkIhavetheanswer.Billwasvery, very grateful that he had been released from thisterriblethingandhehadgivenGodthecreditfor havingdoneit,andhessogratefulaboutithewantsto tell other people about it. That sentence, The Lordhasbeensowonderfultome,curingmeofthisterri-bledisease,thatIjustwanttokeeptellingpeopleabout it, has been a sort of a golden text for the A.A.programand forme.ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS NUMBER THREE 191Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 191Ofcourse,astimewenton,IbegantogetmyhealthbackandbegantobesoIdidnthavetohidefrompeopleallthetimeitsjustbeenwonderful.Istillgotomeetings,becauseIliketogo.ImeetthepeoplethatIliketotalkto.AnotherreasonthatIgoisthatImstillgratefulforthegoodyearsthatIvehad. Im so grateful for both the program and the peo-ple in it that I still want to go. And then probably themostwonderfulthingthatIhavelearnedfromtheprogramIve seen this in the A.A. Grapevine a lot oftimes, and Ive had people say it to me personally, andIveheardpeoplegetupinmeetingsandsayitisthisstatement:IcameintoA.A.solelyforthepur-poseofsobriety,butithasbeenthroughA.A.thatIhavefoundGod.Ifeelthatisaboutthemostwonderfulthingthatapersoncando. 192 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 192(2)GRATITUDE IN ACTIONThe story of Dave B., one of the founders of A.A. inCanada in1944.Ibelieve it would be good to tell the story of mylife. Doing so will give me the opportunity to re-memberthatImustbegratefultoGodandtothosemembersofAlcoholicsAnonymouswhoknewA.A.beforeme.TellingmystoryremindsmethatIcouldgo back to where I was if I forget the wonderful thingsthathavebeengiventomeorforgetthatGodistheguidewho keepsmeonthis path.InJune1924,IwassixteenyearsoldandhadjustgraduatedfromhighschoolinSherbrooke,Quebec.Some of my friends suggested that we go for a beer. Ihadneverhadbeeroranyotherformofalcohol.Idontknowwhy,sincewealwayshadalcoholathome(Ishouldaddthatnooneinmyfamilywasevercon-sideredanalcoholic).Well,Iwasafraidmyfriendswouldnt like me if I didnt do as they did. I knew rst-hand that mysterious state of people who appear to besureofthemselvesbutareactuallyeatenalivewithfear inside. I had a rather strong inferiority complex. IbelieveIlackedwhatmyfatherusedtocallcharac-ter.SoonthatnicesummerdayinanoldinninSherbrooke,Ididntndthe courage to say no.Ibecameanactivealcoholicfromthatrstday,whenalcoholproducedaveryspecialeffectinme.I193Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 193wastransformed.AlcoholsuddenlymademeintowhatIhad alwayswantedto be.Alcoholbecamemyeverydaycompanion.Atrst,Iconsidereditafriend;later,itbecameaheavyloadIcouldntgetridof.ItturnedouttobemuchmorepowerfulthanIwas,evenif,formanyyears,Icouldstaysoberforshortperiods.IkepttellingmyselfthatonewayoranotherIwouldgetridofalcohol.Iwasconvinced I would nd a way to stop drinking. I didntwanttoacknowledgethatalcoholhadbecomesoim-portantinmylife.Indeed,alcoholwasgivingmesomethingIdidntwant tolose.In 1934, a series of mishaps occurred because of mydrinking.IhadtocomebackfromWesternCanadabecausethebankIworkedforlostcondenceinme.An elevator accident cost me all of the toes of one footandaskullfracture.Iwasinthehospitalformonths.Myexcessivedrinkingalsocausedabrainhemor-rhage,whichcompletelyparalyzedonesideofmybody.IprobablydidmyFirstStepthedayIcamebyambulancetoWesternHospital.Anight-shiftnurseaskedme,Mr.B.,whydoyoudrinksomuch?Youhave a wonderful wife, a bright little boy. You have noreasontodrinklikethat.Whydoyou?Beinghonestfor the rst time, I said, I dont know, Nurse. I reallydontknow.ThatwasmanyyearsbeforeIlearnedabout theFellowship.You might think Id tell myself, If alcohol causes somuchharm,Iwillstopdrinking.ButIfoundcount-lessreasonstoprovetomyselfthatalcoholhadnoth-ingtodowithmymisfortunes.Itoldmyselfitwasbecause of fate, because everyone was against me, be-causethingswerentgoingwell.Isometimesthought194 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 194thatGoddidnotexist.Ithought,IfthislovingGodexists,astheysay,Hewouldnottreatmethisway.Godwouldnotactlikethis.Ifeltsorryformyselfalotinthosedays.My family and employers were concerned about mydrinking,butIhadbecomeratherarrogant.Iboughta1931 Fordwithaninheritancefrommygrand-mother,andmywifeandImadeatriptoCapeCod.Onthewayback,westoppedatmyunclesplaceinNewHampshire.Thisunclehadtakenmeunderhiswing at the time of my mothers death, and he worriedaboutme.Nowhesaidtome,Dave,ifyoustopdrinkingforafullyear,IwillgiveyoutheFordroad-sterIjustbought.Ilovedthatcar,soIimmediatelypromisedIwouldntdrinkforawholeyear.AndImeantit.YetIwasdrinkingagainbeforewereachedtheCanadianborder.Iwaspowerlessoveralcohol.IwaslearningthatIcoulddonothingtoghtitoff,even whileIwasdenyingthefact.OnEasterweekend1944,Ifoundmyselfinajailcell in Montreal. By now, I was drinking to escape thehorrible thoughts I had whenever I was sober enoughtobecomeawareofmysituation.IwasdrinkingtoavoidseeingwhatIhadbecome.ThejobIdhadfortwentyyearsandthenewcarwerelonggone.Ihadundergonethreestaysinapsychiatrichospital.GodknowsIdidntwanttodrink,yettomygreatdespair,I alwaysreturnedtotheinfernal merry-go-round.I wondered how this misery would end. I was full offear.IwasafraidtotellotherswhatIfeltlesttheywouldthinkIwasinsane.Iwasterriblylonely,fullofself-pity, and terried. Most of all, I was in a deep de-pression.GRATITUDE IN ACTION 195Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 195ThenIrecalledabookgiventomebymysisterJeanaboutdrunksasdesperateasIwaswhohadfoundawaytostopdrinking.Accordingtothisbook,these drunks had found a way to live like other humanbeings:togetupinthemorning,gotowork,andre-turnhomeintheevening.ThisbookwasaboutAlcoholicsAnonymous.Idecidedtogetintouchwiththem.Ihadmuchdifculty in reaching A.A. in New York, as A.A. wasntaswell-knownthen.Inallyspoketoawoman,Bobbie,whosaidwordsIhopeIneverforget:Iamanalcoholic.Wehaverecovered.Ifyouwant,wellhelpyou.Shetoldmeaboutherselfandaddedthatmanyotherdrunkshadusedthismethodtostopdrinking.Whatimpressedmemostinthisconversa-tion was the fact that these people, ve hundred milesaway,caredenoughtotrytohelpme.HereIwas,feelingsosorryformyself,convincedthatnoonecaredwhetherIwasdeadoralive.IwasverysurprisedwhenIgotacopyoftheBigBook in the mail the following day. And each day afterthat,fornearlyayear,Igotaletteroranote,some-thingfromBobbieorfromBilloroneoftheothermembersofthecentralofceinNewYork.InOctober 1944, Bobbie wrote: You sound very sincereandfromnowonwewillbecountingonyoutoper-petuate the Fellowship of A.A. where you are. You willndenclosedsomequeriesfromalcoholics.Wethinkyouarenowreadytotakeonthisresponsibility.ShehadenclosedsomefourhundredlettersthatIan-sweredinthecourseofthefollowingweeks.Soon,Ibegan togetanswersback.In my new enthusiasm, and having found an answer196 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 196tomyproblem,ItoldDorie,mywife,Youcanquityourjobnow;Iwilltakecareofyou.Fromnowon,youwilltaketheplaceyoudeserveinthisfamily.However, she knew better. She said, No, Dave, I willkeep my job for a year while you go save the drunks.Thatis exactlywhatIsetout to do.AsIlookbackonitnow,Idideverythingwrong,but at least I was thinking of somebody else instead ofmyself.IhadbeguntogetalittlebitofsomethingIamveryfullofnow,andthatisgratitude.Iwasbe-comingincreasinglygratefultothepeopleinNewYorkandtotheGodtheyreferredtobutwhomIfounddifculttoreach.(YetIrealizedIhadtoseektheHigherPowerIwas toldabout.)I was all alone in Quebec at that time. The TorontoGrouphadbeeninoperationsincethepreviousfall,andtherewasamemberinWindsorwhoattendedmeetingsacrosstheriverinDetroit.ThatwasA.A.initsentirety inthiscountry.OnedayIgotaletterfromamaninHalifaxwhowrote,Oneofmyfriends,adrunk,worksinMontreal,butheiscurrentlyinChicago,wherehewent on a major binge. When he returns to Montreal,Id likeyoutotalktohim.Imetthismanathishome.Hiswifewascookingdinner, their young daughter at her side. The man waswearingavelvetjacketandsittingcomfortablyinhisparlor.Ihadntmetmanypeoplefromhighsociety.Iimmediatelythought,Whatsgoingonhere?Thisman isnt an alcoholic! Jack was a down-to-earth per-son.Hewasusedtodiscussionsaboutpsychiatry,andtheconceptofaHigherPowerdidntappealtohimGRATITUDE IN ACTION 197Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 197very much. But from our meeting, A.A. was born herein Quebec.TheFellowshipstartedtogrow,mostparticularlyfollowingthepublicitywegotinthe Gazette inthespringof1945.IwillneverforgetthedaythatMarycametoseemeshewastherstwomantojoinourFellowshiphere.Shewasveryshyandreserved,verylow-key. She had heard of the Fellowship through theGazette. Fortherstyear,allthemeetingswereheldinmyhome.Therewerepeoplealloverthehouse.Thewivesofmembersusedtocomewiththeirhusbands,thoughwedidntallowtheminourclosedmeetings.Theyusedtositonthebedorinthekitchen,wheretheywouldmakecoffeeandsnacks.Ibelievetheywerewonderingwhatwouldhappentous.Yettheywere as happyaswewere.The rst two French Canadians to learn about A.A.did so in the basement of my home. All French-speak-ing meetings in existence today were born out of thoseearlymeetings.Attheendofmyrstyearofsobriety,mywifeagreedtoleaveherjobafterIfoundsomework.Ithought that would be easy. All I had to do was go seeanemployerandIdbeabletosupportmyfamilyina normalfashion.However,Ilookedforworkformany months. We didnt have much money, and I wasspending the little we had going from one place to theother,answeringadsandmeetingpeople.Iwasget-tingmoreandmorediscouraged.Oneday,amembersaid,Dave,whydontyouapplyattheaircraftfac-tory?Iknowafellowtherewhocouldhelpyou.So198 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 198thatwaswhereIgotmyrstjob.TherereallyisaHigher Powerlookingafterus.One of the most fundamental things I have learnedistopassonourmessagetootheralcoholics.Thatmeans I must think more about others than about my-self.Themostimportantthingistopracticetheseprinciples in all my affairs. In my opinion, that is whatAlcoholicsAnonymousisall about.IneverforgotapassageIrstreadinthecopyofthe Big Book that Bobbie sent me: Abandon yourselftoGodasyouunderstandGod.AdmityourfaultstoHimandtoyourfellows.Clearawaythewreckageofyour past. Give freely of what you nd and join us. Itisverysimplethoughnotalwayseasy.Butitcanbedone.IknowtheFellowshipofA.A.doesntofferanyguarantees, but I also know that in the future I do nothave to drink. I want to keep this life of peace, seren-ity,andtranquilitythatIhavefound.Today,Ihavefound again the home I left and the woman I marriedwhenshewasstillsoyoung.Wehavetwomorechil-dren,andtheythinktheirdadisanimportantman.Ihaveallthesewonderfulthingspeoplewhomeanmore to me than anything in the world. I shall keep allthat,andIwonthavetodrink,ifIrememberonesimplething:to keepmyhandin the hand of God.GRATITUDE IN ACTION 199Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 199(3)WOMEN SUFFER TOODespitegreatopportunities,alcoholnearlyendedher life. An early member, she spread the word amongwomen in our pioneering period.Whatwas Isaying . . . fromfaraway,asifina delirium,IheardmyownvoicecallingsomeoneDorothy,talkingofdressshops,ofjobs. . . thewordscameclearer . . . thissoundofmyownvoicefrightenedmeasitcamecloser . . . andsud-denly,thereIwas,talkingofIknewnotwhat,tosomeoneIdneverseenbeforethatverymoment.AbruptlyIstopped speaking. Where was I?Id waked up in strange rooms before, fully dressedonabedoracouch;Idwakedupinmyownroom,in oronmyownbed,notknowingwhathourordayit was,afraidtoask . . . butthiswasdifferent.ThistimeIseemedtobealreadyawake,sittinguprightinabigeasychair,inthemiddleofananimatedcon -versationwithaperfectlystrangeyoungwomanwhodidntappeartothinkitstrange.She waschattingon,pleasantly andcomfortably.Terried,Ilookedaround.Iwasinalarge,dark,ratherpoorlyfurnishedroomthelivingroomofabasementat.Coldchillsstartedchasingupanddown myspine;myteethwerechattering;myhandswere shaking, so I tucked them under me to keep themfromyingaway.Myfrightwasrealenough,butit200Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 200didntaccountfortheseviolentreactions.Iknewwhat theywere,allrightadrinkwouldxthem.ItmusthavebeenalongtimesinceIhadmylastdrinkbutIdidntdareaskthisstrangerforone.Imustgetoutofhere.InanycaseImustgetoutofhere beforeIletslipmyabysmalignoranceofhowIcametobehereandsherealizedthatIwasstark,staringmad. I wasmadI mustbe.The shakes grew worse, and I looked at my watchsixoclock.IthadbeenoneoclockwhenIlastre-memberedlooking.IdbeensittingcomfortablyinarestaurantwithRita,drinkingmysixthmartiniandhopingthewaiterwouldforgetaboutthelunchorderatleastlongenoughformetohaveacouplemore.Idonlyhadtwowithher,butIdmanagedfourinthe fteenminutesIdwaitedforher,andofcourseIdhadtheusualuncountedswigsfromthebottleasI painfully got up and did my slow spasmodic dressing.Infact,Ihadbeeninverygoodshapeatoneoclockfeelingnopain.Whatcould havehappened?ThathadbeeninthecenterofNewYork,onnoisy42ndStreet . . . thiswasobviouslyaquietresidentialsec-tion.WhyhadDorothybroughtmehere?Whowas she?HowhadImether?Ihadnoanswers,andI darednotask.Shegavenosignofrecognizingany-thingwrong,butwhathadIbeendoingforthoselost vehours?Mybrainwhirled.Imighthavedoneterrible things,and Iwouldnteven know it!SomehowIgotoutofthereandwalkedveblockspastbrownstonehouses.Therewasntabarinsight,butIfoundthesubwaystation.Thenameonitwasunfamiliar, and I had to ask the way to Grand Central.Ittookthree-quartersofanhourandtwochangestoWOMEN SUFFER TOO 201Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 201gettherebacktomystartingpoint.Ihadbeenintheremote reachesofBrooklyn.ThatnightIgotverydrunk,whichwasusual,butI rememberedeverything,whichwasveryunusual.Iremembered going through what my sister assured mewas my nightly procedure of trying to nd Willie Sea-brooksnameinthetelephonebook.Irememberedmyloudresolutiontondhimandaskhimtohelpme getintothatAsylumhehadwrittenabout.I rememberedassertingthatIwasgoingtodo some-thingaboutthis,thatIcouldntgoon . . . Iremem-beredlookinglonginglyatthewindowasaneasiersolutionandshudderingatthememoryofthatotherwindow,threeyearsbefore,andthesixagonizingmonthsinaLondonhospitalward.Iremembered llingtheperoxidebottleinmymedicinechestwithgin, in case my sister found the bottle I hid under themattress.AndIrememberedthecreepinghorrorofthe interminable night, in which I slept for short spellsandwokedrippingwithcoldsweatandshakenwithutterdespair,todrinkhastilyfrommybottleand mercifullypassoutagain.Youremad,youremad,youremad!poundedthroughmybrainwitheach returningrayofconsciousness,andIdrownedthe refrain with drink.That went on for two more months before I landedinahospitalandstartedmyslowghtbacktonor-malcy.Ithadbeengoingonlikethatforoverayear.I wasthirty-two yearsold.WhenIlookbackonthatlasthorribleyearofcon-stantdrinking,IwonderhowIsurvivedit,either physicallyormentally.Fortherewere,ofcourse, periodsofclearrealizationofwhatIhadbecome,202 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 202 attended by memories of what I had been, what I hadexpectedtobe.Andthecontrastwasprettyshatter-ing. SittinginaSecondAvenuebar,acceptingdrinksfromanyonewhooffered,aftermysmallstakewasgone,orsittingathomealone,withtheinevitableglass in my hand, I would remember, and, remember-ing,Iwoulddrinkfaster,seekingspeedyoblivion.Itwashardtoreconcilethisghastlypresentwiththesimplefactsof the past.MyfamilyhadmoneyIhadneverknowndenialofanymaterialdesire.Thebestboardingschoolsanda nishing school in Europe had tted me for the con-ventionalroleofdebutanteandyoungmatron.Thetimes in which I grew up (the Prohibition era immor-talizedbyScottFitzgeraldandJohnHeldJr.)hadtaughtmetobegaywiththegayest;myowninnerurges led me to outdo them all. The year after comingout,Imarried.Sofar,sogoodallaccordingtoplan,likethousandsofothers.Butthenthestorybecamemyown.Myhusbandwasanalcoholic,andsinceIhadonlycontemptforthosewithoutmyownamaz-ing capacity,theoutcomewasinevitable.Mydivorcecoincidedwithmyfathersbankruptcy,andIwenttowork,castingoffallallegiancesandresponsibilitiestoanyoneotherthanmyself.Forme,workwasonlyadifferentmeanstothesameend,tobeabletodo exactly what I wanted todo.ForthenexttenyearsIdidjustthat.ForgreaterfreedomandexcitementIwentabroadtolive.Ihadmy own business, successful enough for me to indulgemostofmydesires.ImetallthepeopleIwantedtomeet; I saw all the places I wanted to see; I did all thethings I wantedtodoIwasincreasingly miserable.WOMEN SUFFER TOO 203Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 203Headstrongandwillful,Irushedfrompleasureto pleasureandfoundthereturnsdiminishingtothevanishingpoint.Hangoversbegantoassumemon-strousproportions,andthemorningdrinkbecameanurgentnecessity.Blanksweremorefrequent,andIseldomknewhowIdgothome.Whenmyfriendssuggested that I was drinking too much, they were nolongermyfriends.Imovedfromgrouptogroupthen from place to placeand went on drinking. Withacreepinginsidiousness,drinkhadbecomemoreim-portantthananythingelse.Itnolongergaveme pleasureitmerelydulledthepainbutIhad tohaveit.Iwasbitterlyunhappy.NodoubtIhadbeenan exile too longI should go home to America. I did.And tomy surprise, mydrinking grew worse.WhenIenteredasanitariumforprolongedand intensivepsychiatrictreatment,IwasconvincedthatI washavingaseriousmentalbreakdown.Iwantedhelp,andItriedtocooperate.Asthetreatment progressed,Ibegantogetapictureofmyself,ofthetemperamentthathadcausedmesomuchtrouble.I hadbeenhypersensitive,shy,idealistic.Myinabilitytoaccepttheharshrealitiesoflifehadresultedinadisillusionedcynic,clothedinaprotectivearmoragainsttheworldsmisunderstanding.Thatarmorhadturned into prison walls, locking me in lonelinessandfear.AllIhadleftwasanirondeterminationtolivemy own life in spite of the alien worldand here I was,aninwardlyfrightened,outwardlydeantwoman,who desperatelyneeded aprop to keep going.Alcohol was that prop, and I didnt see how I couldlivewithoutit.WhenmydoctortoldmeIshouldnevertouchadrinkagain,Icouldntafford tobelieve204 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 204him.Ihadtopersistinmyattemptstogetstraight-ened out enough to be able to use the drinks I needed,withouttheirturningonme.Besides,howcouldheunderstand?Hewasntadrinkingman;hedidntknow whatitwastoneed adrink,norwhatadrinkcoulddoforoneinapinch.Iwantedtolive, notinadesert, but in a normal world; and my idea of a normalworldwasbeingamongpeoplewhodrankteeto-talerswerenotincluded.AndIwassurethatIcouldntbewithpeoplewhodrank,withoutdrinking.InthatIwascorrect:Icouldntbecomfortablewithany kind of people without drinking. I never had been.Naturally,inspiteofmygoodintentions,inspiteof my protected life behind sanitarium walls, I severaltimesgotdrunkandwasastounded . . . andbadlyshaken.Thatwasthepointatwhichmydoctorgavemethe bookAlcoholicsAnonymous toread.Therstchapterswerearevelationtome.Iwasnttheonlypersonintheworldwhofeltandbehavedlikethis!I wasntmadorviciousIwasasickperson.Iwassufferingfromanactualdiseasethathadanameandsymptoms like diabetes or cancer or TBand a diseasewasrespectable,notamoralstigma!ButthenIhitasnag. I couldnt stomach religion, and I didnt like thementionofGodoranyoftheothercapitalletters.Ifthatwasthewayout,itwasntforme.Iwasanin -tellectualandIneededanintellectualanswer,notanemotionalone.Itoldmydoctorsoinnouncertainterms. I wanted to learn to stand on my own feet, notto change one prop for another, and an intangible anddubiousoneatthat.Andsoonandon,forseveralweeks, while I grudgingly plowed through some moreWOMEN SUFFER TOO 205Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 205oftheoffendingbookandfeltmoreandmorehope-lessaboutmyself.Thenthemiraclehappenedtome! Itisntalwaysso sudden with everyone, but I ran into a personal cri-sisthatlledmewitharagingandrighteousanger.AndasIfumedhelplesslyandplannedtogetgoodanddrunkandshowthem, myeyecaughtasentenceinthebooklyingopenonmybed:Wecannotlivewithanger.Thewallscrumpledandthelightstreamedin.Iwasnttrapped.Iwasnthelpless.Iwas free, andIdidnthavetodrinktoshowthem.Thiswasntreligionthiswasfreedom!Freedomfromangerandfear,freedomtoknowhappiness,andfreedomtoknowlove.Iwenttoameetingtoseeformyselfthisgroupoffreaksorbumswhohaddonethisthing.Togointoa gathering of people was the sort of thing that all mylife,fromthetimeIleftmyprivateworldofbooksanddreamstomeettherealworldofpeopleand parties and jobs, had left me feeling an uncomfortableoutsider,needingthewarmingstimulusofdrinkstojoinin.IwenttremblingintoahouseinBrooklynlled with strangers . . . and I found I had come homeatlast,tomyownkind.ThereisanothermeaningfortheHebrewwordthatintheKingJamesversionoftheBibleistranslatedsalvation.Itis:tocomehome.Ihadfoundmysalvation.Iwasntaloneanymore.Thatwasthebeginningofanewlife,afullerlife,a happierlifethanIhadeverknownorbelievedpos-sible. I had found friendsunderstanding friends whooftenknewwhatIwasthinkingandfeelingbetterthanIknewmyselfandwhodidntallowmetore-206 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 206treatintomyprisonoflonelinessandfearovera fanciedslightorhurt.Talkingthingsoverwiththem,greatoodsofenlightenmentshowedmemyselfasIreally wasand I was like them. We all had hundredsof character traits, fears and phobias, likes and dislikes,incommon.SuddenlyIcouldacceptmyself,faultsandall,asIwasforwerentwealllikethat?And, accepting,Ifeltanewinnercomfortandthewilling-nessandstrengthtodosomethingaboutthetraitsI couldntlive with.Itdidntstopthere.Theyknewwhattodoaboutthose black abysses that yawned, ready to swallow me,whenIfeltdepressedornervous.Therewasacon-crete program, designed to secure the greatest possibleinnersecurityforuslong-timeescapists.Thefeelingofimpendingdisasterthathadhauntedmeforyearsbegan to dissolve as I put into practice more and moreoftheTwelve Steps. Itworked!AnactivememberofA.A.since1939,Ifeelmyselfausefulmemberofthehumanraceatlast.Ihavesomethingtocontributetohumanity,sinceIam peculiarlyqualied,asafellow-sufferer,togiveaidandcomforttothosewhohavestumbledandfallenoverthisbusinessofmeetinglife.IgetmygreatestthrillofaccomplishmentfromtheknowledgethatIhaveplayedapartinthenewhappinessachievedbycountlessotherslikemyself.ThefactthatIcanworkagainandearnmylivingisimportantbutsecondary.I believe that my once overweening self-will hasnallyfound its proper place, for I can say many times daily,Thywill bedone,notmine . . . and mean it.WOMEN SUFFER TOO 207Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 207(4)OURSOUTHERN FRIENDPioneerA.A.,ministersson,andsouthernfarmer,he asked, Who am I to say there is no God?Fatheris anEpiscopalministerandhisworktakeshimoverlongdrivesonbadroads.Hisparishioners are limited in number, but his friends aremany,fortohimrace,creed,orsocialpositionmakesno difference. It is not long before he drives up in thebuggy.BothheandoldMaudaregladtogethome.Thedrivewaslongandcoldbuthewasthankfulforthehotbricksthatsomethoughtfulpersonhadgivenhimforhisfeet.Soonsupperisonthetable.Fathersaysgrace,whichdelaysmyattackonthebuckwheatcakesandsausage.Bedtimecomes.Iclimbtomyroomintheattic.It iscold,sothereisnodelay.Icrawlunderapileofblanketsandblowoutthecandle.Thewindisrisingand howls around the house. But I am safe and warm.Ifallintoadreamless sleep.Iaminchurch.Fatherisdeliveringhissermon.Awaspiscrawlingupthebackoftheladyinfrontofme.Iwonderifitwillreachherneck.Shucks!Ithasown away.Atlast!Themessage has been delivered.Letyourlightsoshinebeforementhattheymayseeyourgoodworks.Ihuntformynickeltodropintheplate so thatminewillbe seen.Iaminanotherfellowsroomatcollege.Fresh-208Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 208man, said he to me, do you ever take a drink? I hes-itated.Fatherhadneverdirectlyspokentomeaboutdrinkingbutheneverdrankany,sofarasIknew.Motherhatedliquorandfearedadrunkenman.Herbrotherhadbeenadrinkerandhaddiedinastatehospitalfortheinsane.Buthislifewasunmentioned,so far as I was concerned. I had never had a drink, butIhadseenenoughmerrimentintheboyswhoweredrinkingtobeinterested.Iwouldneverbelikethevillagedrunkardat home.Well,saidtheolderboy, do you?Onceinawhile,Ilied.IcouldnotlethimthinkI wasasissy.Hepouredouttwodrinks.Hereslookingatyou,saidhe.Igulpeditdownandchoked.Ididntlikeit,butIwouldnotsayso.Amellowglowstoleoverme.Thiswasntsobadafterall.Sure,Idhaveanother.Theglowincreased.Otherboyscamein.Mytongueloosened.Everyonelaughedloudly.Iwaswitty.Ihadnoinferiorities.Why,Iwasntevenashamedofmyskinnylegs!This wasthe realthing!Ahazelledtheroom.Theelectriclightbegantomove.Thentwobulbsappeared.Thefacesoftheotherboysgrewdim.HowsickIfelt.Istaggeredtothebathroom.Shouldnthavedrunksomuchorsofast. But I knew how to handle it now. Id drink like agentlemanafterthis.AndsoImetJohnBarleycorn.Thegrandfellowwhoatmycallmademeahail-fellow-well-met,whogavemesuchanevoice,aswesangHail,hail,thegangsallhereandSweetAdeline,whogavemefreedomfromfearandfeelingsofinferiority.GoodoldJohn! Hewasmypal,allright.OUR SOUTHERN FRIEND 209Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 209FinalexamsofmysenioryearandImaysomehowgraduate. I would never have tried, but mother countson it so. A case of measles saved me from being kickedoutduringmysophomoreyear.Buttheendisinsight.Mylastexamandaneasyone.Igazeattheboardwithitsquestions.Cantre-member the answer to the rst. Ill try the second. Nosoapthere.Idontseemtorememberanything.I concentrateononeofthequestions.IdontseemtobeabletokeepmymindonwhatIamdoing.Igetuneasy.IfIdontgetstartedsoon,Iwonthavetimetonish.Nouse.Icantthink.Ileavetheroom,whichthehonorsystemallows.Igotomyroom.Ipourouthalfatumblerofgrain alcoholandllitwithgingerale.Nowbacktotheexam.Mypenmovesrapidly.Iknowenoughoftheanswerstogetby.GoodoldJohnBarleycorn!Hecanbe depended on. What a wonderful power he has overthemind! Hehas givenmemy diploma!Underweight!HowIhatethatword.Threeat-temptstoenlistintheservice,andthreefailuresbe-cause of being skinny. True, I have recently recoveredfrom pneumonia and have an alibi, but my friends arein the war or going, and I am not. I visit a friend whois awaiting orders. The atmosphere of eat, drink, andbemerryprevailsandIabsorbit.Idrinkaloteverynight.Ican holda lotnow,more thanthe others.Iamexaminedforthedraftandpassthephysicaltest.IamtogotocamponNovember13.TheArmisticeissignedontheeleventh,andthedraftiscalledoff.Neverintheservice!Thewarleavesmewithapairofblankets,atoiletkit,asweaterknitbymy sister,anda stillgreatersenseof inferiority.210 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 210ItistenoclockofaSaturdaynight.Iamworkinghardonthebooksofasubsidiarycompanyofalargecorporation. I have had experience in selling, in collect-ing,andinaccounting,andIamonmywayupthe ladder.Then the crack-up. Cotton struck the skids and col-lectionswentcold.Atwenty-threemilliondollar surpluswipedout.Ofcesclosedupandworkersdis-charged.I,andthebooksofmydivision,havebeentransferredtotheheadofce.Ihavenoassistanceand amworkingnights,Saturdays,andSundays.Mysalaryhasbeencut.Mywifeandnewbabyarefor -tunatelystayingwithrelatives.Ifeelexhausted.Thedoctor has told me that if I dont give up inside work,Illhavetuberculosis.ButwhatamItodo?Ihavea family to support and have no time to be looking foranother job.IreachforthebottlethatIjustgotfromGeorge,theelevatorboy.Iamatravelingsalesman.Thedayisoverand businesshasbeennotsogood.Illgotobed.IwishI werehomewiththefamilyandnotinthisdingyhotel.Wellwelllook whos here! Good old Charlie! Itsgreattoseehim.Howstheboy?Adrink?Youbetyourlife!Webuyagallonofcornbecauseitissocheap.YetIam fairlysteadywhen I go to bed.Morningcomes.Ifeelhorrible.Alittledrinkwillputmeonmyfeet.Butittakesotherstokeepmethere.Ibecomeateacherinaboysschool.Iamhappyin mywork.Iliketheboysandwehavelotsoffun,in classandout.OUR SOUTHERN FRIEND 211Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 211Thedoctorbillsareheavyandthebankaccountislow.Mywifesparentscometoourassistance.Iamlledwithhurtprideandself-pity.Iseemtogetnosympathyformyillnessandhavenoappreciationofthelovebehindthegift.Icallthebootleggerandllupmycharredkeg.But Idonotwaitforthecharredkegtowork.Igetdrunk.Mywifeisextremelyunhappy.Herfathercomestositwithme.Heneversaysanunkindword.He is a realfriend,butIdonot appreciate him.Wearestayingwithmywifesfather.Hermotheris inacriticalconditionatahospital.Icannotsleep.I must get myself together. I sneak downstairs and getabottleofwhiskeyfromthecellaret.Ipourdrinksdownmythroat.Myfather-in-lawappears.Havea drink?Iask.Hemakesnoreplyandhardlyseemstosee me. Hiswifediesthatnight.Motherhasbeendyingofcancerforalongtime.Sheisneartheendnowandisinahospital.Ihavebeen drinking a lot but never get drunk. Mother mustneverknow.Iseeheraboutto go.I return to the hotel where I am staying and get ginfromthebellboy.Idrinkandgotobed;Itakeafewthenextmorningandgoseemymotheroncemore.I cannotstandit.Igobacktothehotelandgetmoregin.Idrinksteadily.Icometoatthreeinthemorn-ing.Theindescribabletorturehasmeagain.Iturnon thelight.ImustgetoutoftheroomorIshalljump out of the window. I walk miles. No use. I go tothe hospital,whereIhavemadefriendswiththenight superintendent.Sheputsmetobedandgivesme a hypodermic.Iamatthehospitaltoseemywife.Wehavean-212 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 212otherchild.Butsheisnotgladtoseeme.Ihavebeen drinking while the baby was arriving. Her fatherstayswith her.Itisacold,bleakdayinNovember.Ihavefoughthardtostopdrinking.Eachbattlehasendedinde-feat. ItellmywifeIcannotstopdrinking.Shebegsmetogotoahospitalforalcoholicsthathasbeen recommended.IsayIwillgo.Shemakesthear -rangements,butIwillnotgo.Illdoitallmyself.This timeImoffofitforgood.Illjusttakeafewbeersnowand then.ItisthelastdayofthefollowingOctober,adark,rainymorning.Icometoonapileofhayinabarn.I lookforliquorandcantndany.Iwandertoa table anddrinkvebottlesofbeer.Imustgetsomeliquor.SuddenlyIfeelhopeless,unabletogoon.Igo home.Mywifeisinthelivingroom.ShehadlookedformelasteveningafterIleftthecarand wanderedoffintothenight.Shehadlookedformethismorning.Shehasreachedtheendofherrope.Thereisnousetryinganymore,forthereisnothingtotry.Dontsayanything,Isaytoher.Iamgoing todo something.Iaminthehospitalforalcoholics.Iamanalco-holic.Theinsaneasylumliesahead.CouldIhave myselflockedupathome?Onemorefoolishidea.ImightgooutWestonaranchwhereIcouldntgetanythingtodrink.Imightdothat.Anotherfoolishidea.IwishIweredead,asIhaveoftenwishedbe-fore. I am too yellowtokillmyself.Fouralcoholicsplaybridgeinasmoke-lledroom.Anythingtogetmymindfrommyself.Thegameisoverandtheotherthreeleave.IstarttocleanuptheOUR SOUTHERN FRIEND 213Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 213debris. One man comes back, closing the door behindhim.Helooksatme.Youthinkyouarehopeless,dontyou?heasks.I knowit,I reply.Well,yourenot,saystheman.Therearemenon thestreetsofNewYorktodaywhowereworsethan you, andtheydontdrink anymore.Whatareyoudoinghere then? I ask.IwentoutofhereninedaysagosayingthatIwasgoingto behonest, but Iwasnt, he answers.Afanatic,Ithoughttomyself,butIwaspolite.Whatisit? Ienquire.ThenheasksmeifIbelieveinapowergreaterthan myself,whetherIcallthatpowerGod,Allah,Confucius,PrimeCause,DivineMind,oranyothername.ItoldhimthatIbelieveinelectricityandother forces of nature, but as for a God, if there is one,He has never done anything for me. Then he asks meifIamwillingtorightallthewrongsIhaveeverdone toanyone,nomatterhowwrongIthoughttheotherswere.AmIwillingtobehonestwithmyselfaboutmyselfandtellsomeoneaboutmyself,andamI willing to think of other people, of their needs insteadofmyself,inordertogetridof the drink problem?Illdoanything,Ireply.Thenallofyourtroublesareover,saysthemanand leaves the room. The man is in bad mental shapecertainly.Ipickupabookandtrytoread,butIcan-notconcentrate.Igetinbedandturnoutthelight.ButIcannotsleep.Suddenlyathoughtcomes.Canall theworthwhilepeopleIhaveknownbewrongaboutGod?ThenIndmyselfthinkingaboutmyself214 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 214andafewthingsthatIhadwantedtoforget.IbegintoseeIamnotthepersonIhadthoughtmyself,thatIhadjudgedmyselfbycomparingmyselftoothersand always to myown advantage. It is a shock.Thencomesathoughtthatislikeavoice.Whoare youtosaythereisnoGod? Itringsinmyhead;I cant getridofit.Igetoutofbedandgotothemansroom.Heisreading.Imustaskyouaquestion,Isaytotheman. Howdoesprayertintothis thing?Well,heanswers,youveprobablytriedprayinglikeIhave.Whenyouvebeeninajam,youvesaid,God,pleasedothisorthat,andifitturnedoutyourway that was the last of it, and, if it didnt, youve saidThereisntanyGodorHedoesntdoanythingforme.Isthatright?Yes,Ireply.Thatisnttheway,hecontinued.ThethingIdois to say God, here I am and here are all my troubles.Ive made a mess of things and cant do anything aboutit.Youtakeme,andallmytroubles,anddoanythingyouwantwithme.Does thatanswer your question?Yes,itdoes,Ianswer.Ireturntobed.Itdoesntmake sense. Suddenly I feel a wave of utter hopeless-nesssweepoverme.Iaminthebottomofhell.Andthere, atremendoushopeis born. It might be true.Itumbleoutofbedontomyknees.Iknownotwhat Isay.Butslowlyagreatpeacecomestome.Ifeelliftedup.IbelieveinGod.Icrawlbackintobedand sleep like achild.Some men and women come to visit my friend of thenightbefore.Heinvitesmetomeetthem.Theyarea joyouscrowd.IhaveneverseenpeoplethatjoyousOUR SOUTHERN FRIEND 215Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 215before.Wetalk.ItellthemofthepeaceandthatI believe in God. I think of my wife. I must write her.OnegirlsuggeststhatIphoneher.Whatawonderfulidea!MywifehearsmyvoiceandsheknowsthatIhavefound the answertolife.ShecomestoNewYork.Iget out of the hospital and we visit some of these new-found friends.I am home again. I have lost the Fellowship. Thosewhounderstandmearefaraway.Thesameoldprob-lemsandworriesstillsurroundme.Membersofmyfamilyannoyme.Nothingseemstobeworkingoutright.Iamblueandunhappy.MaybeadrinkIputon myhatanddash offinthe car.Getintothelivesofotherpeopleisonethingthefellows in New York had said. I go to see a man I hadbeenaskedtovisitandtellhimmystory.Ifeelmuchbetter!Ihaveforgotten about a drink.Iamonatrain,headedforacity.Ihaveleftmywifeathome,sick,andIhavebeenunkindtoherinleaving.Iamveryunhappy.Maybeafewdrinkswhen I get to the city will help. A great fear seizes me.Italktothestrangerintheseatbesideme.Thefearand theinsane ideaaretaken away.Things are not going so well at home. I am learningthatIcannothavemyownwayasIusedto.Iblamemy wife and children. Anger possesses me, anger suchasIhaveneverfeltbefore.Iwillnotstandforit.IpackmybagandIleave.Istaywithsomeunder-standingfriends.IseewhereIhavebeenwronginsomerespects.Idonotfeelangryanymore.IreturnhomeandsayI am sorry for my wrong. I am quiet again. But I have216 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 216notseenyetthatIshoulddosomeconstructiveactsof lovewithoutexpectinganyreturn.Ishalllearnthis after some moreexplosions.Iamblueagain.Iwanttoselltheplaceandmoveaway.IwanttogetwhereIcanndsomealcoholicstohelpandwhereIcanhavesomefellowship.Aman calls me on the phone. Will I take a young fellowwho has been drinking for two weeks to live with me?SoonIhaveotherswhoarealcoholicsandsomewhohave otherproblems.IbegintoplayGod.IfeelthatIcanxthemall.I do not x anyone, but I am getting part of a tremen-dous educationandIhavemadesome new friends.Nothingisright.Financesareinbadshape.Imust ndawaytomakesomemoney.Thefamilyseems to think of nothing but spending. People annoyme.Itrytoread.Itrytopray.Gloomsurroundsme. Why has God left me? I mope around the house.IwillnotgooutandIwillnotenterintoanything.Whatisthematter?Icannotunderstand.Iwillnotbe that way.Illgetdrunk!Itisacold-bloodedidea.Itispre-meditated.Ixupalittleapartmentoverthegaragewithbooksanddrinkingwater.Iamgoingtotownto getsomeliquorandfood.IshallnotdrinkuntilI getbacktotheapartment.ThenIshalllockmyselfinandread.AndasIread,Ishalltakelittledrinksat longintervals.Ishallgetmyselfmellowandstaythatway.Igetinthecaranddriveoff.Halfwaydownthedrivewayathoughtstrikesme.Illbehonestanyway.IlltellmywifewhatIamgoingtodo.Ibackuptothedoorandgointothehouse.IcallmywifeintoaOUR SOUTHERN FRIEND 217Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 217roomwherewecantalkprivately.ItellherquietlywhatIintendtodo.Shesaysnothing.Shedoesnotgetexcited. Shemaintainsaperfect calm.WhenIamthroughspeaking,thewholeideahasbecomeabsurd.Notatraceoffearisinme.Ilaughat theinsanityofit.Wetalkofotherthings.Strengthhascome fromweakness.Icannotseethecauseofthistemptationnow.ButIamtolearnlaterthatitbeganwithmydesirefor materialsuccessbecominggreaterthanmyinterestin thewelfareofmyfellowman.Ilearnmoreofthat foundationstoneofcharacter,whichishonesty.Ilearn that when we act upon the highest conception ofhonestythatisgivenus,oursenseofhonestybe-comesmoreacute.Ilearnthathonestyistruthandthattruthshallmakeusfree!218 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 218(5)THE VICIOUS CYCLEHowitnallybrokeaSouthernersobstinacyanddestined this salesman to start A.A. in Philadelphia.January 8, 1938that was my D-Day; the place,Washington,D.C.Thislastrealmerry-go-roundhad started the day before Christmas, and I had reallyaccomplishedalotinthosefourteendays.First,mynew wife had walked out, bag, baggage, and furniture;then the apartment landlord had thrown me out of theemptyapartment;andthenishwasthelossofan-otherjob.Afteracoupleofdaysindollarhotelsandone night in the pokey, I nally landed on my mothersdoorstepshaking apart, with several days beard, and,ofcourse,brokeasusual.Manyofthesesamethingshad happened to me many times before, but this timetheyhadalldescended together. For me, this was It.HereIwas,thirty-nineyearsoldandacompletewashout.Nothinghadworked.Motherwouldtakeme inonlyifIstayedlockedinasmallstoreroomand gavehermyclothesandshoes.Wehadplayedthisgamebefore.ThatisthewayJackiefoundme,lying on a cot in my skivvies, with hot and cold sweats,poundingheart,andthatawfulitchyscratchinessallover.Somehow,IhadalwaysmanagedtoavoidD.T.s.IseriouslydoubtIeverwouldhaveaskedforhelp,butFitz,anoldschoolfriendofmine,hadpersuaded219Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 219Jackietocallonme.Hadhecometwoorthreedayslater, I think I would have thrown him out, but he hitwhenIwas openforanything.Jackiearrivedaboutsevenintheeveningandtalked untilthreea.m.Idontremembermuchofwhathesaid,butIdidrealizethatherewasanotherguyexactlylikeme;hehadbeeninthesamelaugh-ing academiesandthesamejails,knownthesameloss of jobs, same frustrations, same boredom, and thesameloneliness.Ifanything,hehadknownallofthem evenbetterandmoreoftenthanI.Yethewashappy,relaxed,condent,andlaughing.Thatnight,for thersttimeinmylife,Ireallyletdownmyhairandadmittedmygeneralloneliness.Jackietoldmeabout a group of fellows in New York, of whom my oldfriend Fitz was one, who had the same problem I had,and who, by working together to help each other, werenownotdrinkingandwerehappylikehimself.HesaidsomethingaboutGodoraHigherPower,butIbrushedthatoffthatwasforthebirds,notforme.Littlemoreofourtalkstayedinmymemory,butIdo knowIslepttherestofthatnight,whilebeforeI had never knownwhatareal nights sleep was.Thiswasmyintroductiontothisunderstanding Fellowship,althoughitwastobemorethanayearlaterbeforeourSocietywastobearthenameAlco-holics Anonymous. All of us in A.A. know the tremen-doushappinessthatisinoursobriety,buttherearealsotragedies.Mysponsor,Jackie,wasoneofthese.Hebroughtinmanyofouroriginalmembers,yethehimselfcouldnotmakeitanddiedofalcoholism.The lessonofhisdeathstillremainswithme,yetIoften wonder what would have happened if somebody220 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 220elsehadmadethatrstcallonme.SoIalwayssaythataslongasIrememberJanuary8,thatishowlong Iwill remainsober.Theage-oldquestioninA.A.iswhichcamerst,theneurosisorthealcoholism.IliketothinkIwasfairlynormalbeforealcoholtookover.MyearlylifewasspentinBaltimore,wheremyfatherwasaphysi-cianandagrainmerchant.Myfamilylivedinveryprosperouscircumstances,andwhilebothmyparentsdrank,sometimestoomuch,neitherwasanalcoholic.Fatherwasaverywell-integratedperson,andwhilemother was high-strung and a bit selsh and demand-ing,ourhomelifewasreasonablyharmonious.Therewerefourofuschildren,andalthoughbothofmybrotherslaterbecamealcoholiconediedofalco-holismmysisterhasnevertaken a drink in her life.UntilIwasthirteenIattendedpublicschools,withregularpromotionsandaveragegrades.Ihavenevershown any particular talents, nor have I had any reallyfrustratingambitions.AtthirteenIwaspackedofftoa veryneProtestantboardingschoolinVirginia,whereIstayedfouryears,graduatingwithoutany specialachievements.InsportsImadethetrackandtennis teams; I got along well with the other boys andhadafairlylargecircleofacquaintancesbutnointi-matefriends.Iwasneverhomesickandwasalwaysprettyself-sufcient.However, here I probably took my rst step towardmycomingalcoholismbydevelopingaterricaver-siontoallchurchesandestablishedreligions.AtthisschoolwehadBiblereadingsbeforeeachmeal,andchurchservicesfourtimesonSunday,andIbecameso rebellious at this that I swore I would never join orTHE VICIOUS CYCLE 221Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 221go to any church, except for weddings or for funerals.AtseventeenIenteredtheuniversity,reallyto satisfymyfather,whowantedmetostudymedicinethereashehad.ThatiswhereIhadmyrstdrink,and Istillrememberit,foreveryrstdrinkafter-wardsdidexactlythesametrickIcouldfeelitgorightthrougheverybitofmybodyanddowntomyverytoes.Buteachdrinkaftertherstseemedto becomelesseffective,andafterthreeorfour,theyallseemedlikewater.Iwasneverahilariousdrunk;themore I drank, the quieter I got, and the drunker I got,theharderIfoughttostaysober.SoitisclearthatI neverhadanyfunoutofdrinkingIwouldbethesoberest-seemingoneinthecrowd,and,allofasud-den,Iwouldbethedrunkest.EventhatrstnightIblackedout,whichleadsmetobelievethatIwasanalcoholicfrommyveryrstdrink.Therstyearincollege I just got by in my studies. I majored in pokeranddrinking.Irefusedtojoinanyfraternity,asIwantedtobeafreelance,andthatyearmydrinkingwasconnedtoone-nightstands,onceortwiceaweek.Thesecondyearmydrinkingwasmoreorlessrestricted to weekends, but I was nearly kicked out forscholasticfailure.Inthespringof1917,inordertobeatbeingredfrom school, I became patriotic and joined the army.I am one of the lads who came out of the service witha lower rank than when I went in. I had been to OTCtheprevioussummer,soIwentintothearmyasa sergeant but I came out a private, and you really havetobeunusualtodothat.Inthenexttwoyears,Iwashed more pans and peeled more potatoes than anyotherdoughboy.Inthearmy,Ibecameaperiodic222 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 222 alcoholictheperiodsalwayscomingwheneverIcouldmaketheopportunity.However,Ididmanagetokeepoutoftheguardhouse.MylastboutinthearmylastedfromNovember5 to11,1918.Weheard by wireless on the fth that the Armistice wouldbesignedthenextday(thiswasaprematurereport),soIhadacoupleofcognacstocelebrate;thenIhoppedatruckandwentAWOL.MynextconsciousmemorywasinBarleDuc,manymilesfrombase.ItwasNovember11,andbellswereringingand whistles blowingfortherealArmistice.ThereIwas,unshaven,clothestornanddirty,withnorecollectionofwanderingalloverFrancebut,ofcourse,aheroto thelocalFrench.Backatcamp,allwasforgiven because it was the End, but in the light of what I havesincelearned,IknowIwasaconrmedalcoholicatnineteen.WiththewaroverandbackinBaltimorewiththefolks, I had several small jobs for three years, and thenIwenttoworksolicitingasoneofthersttenem-ployeesofanewnationalnancecompany.Whatanopportunity I shot to pieces there! This company nowdoesavolumeofoverthreebilliondollarsannually.Threeyearslater,attwenty-ve,Iopenedandoper-atedtheirPhiladelphiaofceandwasearningmorethanIeverhavesince.Iwasthefair-hairedboyallright,buttwoyearslaterIwasblacklistedasanirre-sponsibledrunk.Itdoesnttakelong.Mynextjobwasinsalespromotionforanoil companyinMississippi,whereIpromptlybecamehighmanandgotlotsofpatsontheback.ThenIturnedtwocompanycarsoverinashorttimeandbingoredagain.Oddlyenough,thebigshotwhoTHE VICIOUS CYCLE 223Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 223redmefromthiscompanywasoneoftherstmenImetwhenIlaterjoinedtheNewYorkA.A.Group.Hehadalsogoneallthewaythroughthewringerand hadbeendry twoyearswhen I sawhim again.Aftertheoiljobblewup,IwentbacktoBaltimoreandMother,myrstwifehavingsaidapermanentgoodbye.Thencameasalesjobwithanationaltire company.Ireorganizedtheircitysalespolicyand eighteenmonthslater,whenIwasthirty,they offeredmethebranchmanagership.Aspartofthispromotion,theysentmetotheirnationalconventionin Atlantic City to tell the big wheels how Id done it.AtthistimeIwasholdingwhatdrinkingIdiddownto weekends, but I hadnt had a drink at all in a month.I checked into my hotel room and then noticed a plac-ardtuckedundertheglassonthebureaustatingTherewillbepositivelyNOdrinkingatthisconven-tion,signedbythepresidentofthecompany.Thatdidit!Who,me?TheBigShot?Theonlysalesman invitedtotalkattheconvention?Themanwhowasgoing to take over one of their biggest branches comeMonday?Idshowemwhowasboss!NooneinthatcompanysawmeagaintendayslaterIwiredmy resignation.Aslongasthingsweretoughandthejobachal-lenge,Icouldalwaysmanagetoholdonprettywell,but as soon as I learned the combination, got the puz-zle under control, and the boss to pat me on the back,I was gone again. Routine jobs bored me, but I wouldtakeonthetoughestoneIcouldndandworkdayandnightuntilIhaditundercontrol;thenitwouldbecometedious,andIdloseallinterestinit.Icouldnever be bothered with the follow-through and would224 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 224invariably reward myself for my efforts with that rstdrink.After the tire job came the thirties, the Depression,andthedownhillroad.IntheeightyearsbeforeA.A.found me, I had over forty jobsselling and travelingone thing after another, and the same old routine. Idwork like mad for three or four weeks without a singledrink,savemymoney,payafewbills,andthenre-wardmyselfwithalcohol.ThenIdbebrokeagain,hiding out in cheap hotels all over the country, havingone-nightjailstandshereandthere,andalwaysthathorriblefeelingWhatstheusenothingisworth-while.EverytimeIblackedout,andthatwaseverytimeIdrank,therewasalwaysthatgnawingfear,What did I do this time? Once I found out. Many al-coholicshavelearnedtheycanbringtheirbottletoacheapmovietheateranddrink,sleep,wakeup,anddrinkagaininthedarkness.Ihadrepairedtooneofthese one morning with my jug, and, when I left late intheafternoon,Ipickedupanewspaperonthewayhome. Imagine my surprise when I read in a page-oneboxthatIhadbeentakenfromthetheateruncon-sciousaroundnoonthatday,removedbyambulanceto a hospital and stomach-pumped, and then released.EvidentlyIhadgonerightbacktothemoviewithabottle,stayedthereseveralhours,andstartedhomewith norecollectionofwhathad happened.Thementalstateofthesickalcoholicisbeyond description.Ihadnoresentmentsagainstindividualsthewholeworldwasallwrong.Mythoughtswentroundandroundwith,Whatsitallaboutanyhow?Peoplehavewarsandkilleachother;theystruggleand cut each others throats for success, and what doesTHE VICIOUS CYCLE 225Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 225anyonegetoutofit?HaventIbeensuccessful,haventIaccomplishedextraordinarythingsinbusi-ness?WhatdoIgetoutofit?Everythingsallwrongandthehellwithit.Forthelasttwoyearsofmydrinking,IprayedduringeverydrunkthatIwouldntwakeupagain.ThreemonthsbeforeImetJackie,Ihad made mysecond feebletry at suicide.ThiswasthebackgroundthatmademewillingtolistenonJanuary8.AfterbeingdrytwoweeksandstickingclosetoJackie,allofasuddenIfoundIhadbecomethesponsorofmysponsor,forhewassud-denly taken drunk. I was startled to learn he had onlybeenofftheboozeamonthorsohimselfwhenhebroughtmethemessage!However,ImadeanSOScalltotheNewYorkGroup,whomIhadntmetyet,andtheysuggestedwebothcomethere.Thiswedidthenextday,andwhatatrip!Ireallyhadachancetoseemyselffromanondrinkingpointofview.Wechecked into the home of Hank, the man who had redme eleven years before in Mississippi, and there I metBill,ourfounder.BillhadthenbeendrythreeyearsandHank,two.Atthetime,Ithoughtthemjustaswellpairofscrewballs,fortheywerenotonlygoingtosaveallthedrunksintheworldbutalsoalltheso-callednormalpeople!AlltheytalkedofthatrstweekendwasGodandhowtheyweregoingtostraightenoutJackiesandmylife.Inthosedayswereallytookeachothersinventoriesrmlyandoften.Despiteallthis,Idid likethesenewfriendsbecause,again,theywerelikeme.Theyhadalsobeenperi -odic bigshotswhohadgoofedoutrepeatedlyatthewrong time, and they also knew how to split one papermatchintothreeseparatematches.(Thisisveryuse-226 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 226fulknowledgeinplaceswherematchesareprohib-ited.)They,too,hadtakenatraintoonetownandhad wakened hundreds of miles in the opposite direc-tion,neverknowinghowtheygotthere.Thesameold routinesseemedtobecommontousall.Duringthatrstweekend,IdecidedtostayinNewYorkandtakealltheygaveoutwith,excepttheGodstuff.I knewtheyneededtostraightenouttheir thinkingandhabits,butI wasallright;I justdranktoomuch.Justgivemeagoodfrontandacoupleofbucks,andIdberightbackinthebigtime.Idbeendrythreeweeks,hadthewrinklesout,andhadsoberedupmysponsorallbymyself!BillandHankhadjusttakenoverasmallautomo-bilepolishcompany,andtheyofferedmeajobtendollars a week and keep at Hanks house. We were allset toputDuPont outofbusiness.AtthattimethegroupinNewYorkwascomposedofabouttwelvemenwhowereworkingontheprin -cipleofeverydrunkforhimself;wehadnorealfor-mulaandnoname.Wewouldfollowonemansideasforawhile,decidehewaswrong,andswitchtoan-othersmethod.Butwewere stayingsoberaslongas wekeptandtalkedtogether.Therewasonemeet-ing a week at Bills home in Brooklyn, and we all tookturnstherespoutingoffabouthowwehadchangedourlivesovernight,howmanydrunkswehadsavedandstraightenedout,andlastbutnotleast,howGodhadtouchedeachofuspersonallyontheshoulder.Boy,whatacircleofconfusedidealists!Yetweallhad one really sincere purpose in our hearts, and thatwasnottodrink.AtourweeklymeetingIwasa menacetoserenitythoserstfewmonths,forItookTHE VICIOUS CYCLE 227Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 227everyopportunitytolambastethatspiritualangle,as wecalledit,oranythingelsethathadanytingeoftheology.MuchlaterIdiscoveredtheeldersheldmanyprayermeetingshopingtondawaytogiveme theheave-hobutatthesametimestaytolerantandspiritual.Theydidnotseemtobegettingan answer,forhereIwasstayingsoberandsellinglotsof autopolish,onwhichtheyweremakingonethou-sand percent prot. So I rocked along my merry inde-pendentwayuntilJune,whenIwentoutsellingautopolishinNewEngland.Afteraverygoodweek,twoof my customers took me to lunch on Saturday. We or-dered sandwiches, and one man said, Three beers. Iletminesit.Afterabit,theothermansaid,Threebeers.Iletthatsittoo.ThenitwasmyturnIor-dered,Threebeers,butthistimeitwasdifferent;Ihadacashinvestmentofthirtycents,and,onaten-dollar-a-weeksalary,thatsabigthing.SoIdrankallthree beers, one after the other, and said, Ill be see-ingyou,boys,andwentaroundthecornerforabot-tle. I never saw either ofthem again.IhadcompletelyforgottentheJanuary8 whenIfoundtheFellowship,andIspentthenextfourdayswandering around New England half drunk, by whichI mean I couldnt get drunk and I couldnt get sober. ItriedtocontacttheboysinNewYork,buttelegramsbouncedrightback,andwhenInallygotHankonthetelephoneheredmerightthen.ThiswaswhenI reallytookmyrstgoodlookatmyself.Myloneli-nesswasworsethanithadeverbeenbefore,fornoweven my own kind had turned against me. This time itreallyhurt,morethananyhangovereverhad.My brilliantagnosticismvanished,andIsawfortherst228 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 228time that those who really believed, or at least honestlytriedtondaPowergreaterthanthemselves,weremuchmorecomposedandcontentedthanIhadeverbeen,andtheyseemedtohaveadegreeofhappinessI had neverknown.Peddlingoffmypolishsamplesforexpenses,IcrawledbacktoNewYorkafewdayslaterinaverychastenedframeofmind.Whentheotherssawmy altered attitude, they took me back in, but for me theyhad tomakeittough;iftheyhadnt,IdontthinkIeverwouldhavestuckitout.Onceagain,therewasthe challenge of a tough job, but this time I was deter-mined tofollowthrough.ForalongtimetheonlyHigherPowerIcouldconcedewasthepowerofthegroup,butthiswasfarmorethanIhadeverrecog-nizedbefore,anditwasatleastabeginning.Itwasalsoanending,forneversinceJune16,1938,haveIhad to walkalone.Around this time our big A.A. book was being writ-ten, and it all became much simpler; we had a deniteformulathatsomesixtyofusagreedwasthemiddlecourse forallalcoholicswhowantedsobriety,andthat formulahasnotbeenchangedoneiotadownthroughtheyears.Idontthinktheboyswerecom-pletelyconvincedofmypersonalitychange,fortheyfoughtshyofincludingmystoryinthebook,somyonlycontributiontotheirliteraryeffortswasmyrmconvictionsinceIwasstillatheologicalrebelthatthewordGod shouldbequaliedwiththephraseasweunderstandHimforthatwastheonlywayIcould acceptspirituality.Afterthebookappeared,weallbecameverybusyin oureffortstosaveallandsundry,butIwasstillTHE VICIOUS CYCLE 229Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 229 actuallyonthefringesofA.A.WhileIwentalongwith allthatwasdoneandattendedthemeetings,InevertookanactivejobofleadershipuntilFebruary1940.ThenIgotaverygoodpositioninPhiladelphiaandquicklyfoundIwouldneedafewfellowalco-holicsaroundmeifIwastostaysober.ThusIfoundmyselfinthemiddleofabrand-newgroup.WhenIstartedtotelltheboyshowwediditinNewYorkand all about the spiritual part of the program, I foundtheywouldnotbelievemeunlessIwaspracticingwhatIpreached.ThenIfoundthatasIgaveintothis spiritualorpersonalitychange,Iwasgettinga littlemoreserenity.Intellingnewcomershowtochangetheirlivesandattitudes,allofasuddenIfound I was doing a little changing myself. I had beentooself-sufcienttowriteamoralinventory,butI discoveredinpointingouttothenewmanhiswrongattitudesandactionsthatIwasreallytakingmyowninventory,andthatifIexpectedhimtochange,Iwouldhavetoworkonmyselftoo.Thischangehasbeenalong,slowprocessforme,butthroughtheselatteryears thedividendshavebeen tremendous.InJune1945,withanothermember,ImademyrstandonlyTwelfthStepcallonafemalealco-holic, andayearlaterImarriedher.Shehasbeensoberallthewaythrough,andformethathasbeengood.Wecanshareinthelaughterandtearsofourmanyfriends,andmostimportant,wecanshareourA.A.wayoflifeandaregivenadailyopportunitytohelp others.Inconclusion,Icanonlysaythatwhatevergrowthorunderstandinghascometome,Ihavenowishtograduate.VeryrarelydoImissthemeetingsofmy230 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUSAlco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 230neighborhoodA.A.group,andmyaveragehasneverbeen less than two meetings a week. I have served ononlyonecommitteeinthepastnineyears,forIfeelthatIhadmychancetherstfewyearsandthatnewer members should ll the jobs. They are far morealertandprogressivethanweounderingfatherswere, and the future of our fellowship is in their hands.We now live in the West and are very fortunate in ourarea A.A.; it is good, simple, and friendly, and our onedesireistostayin A.A.andnoton it.OurpetsloganisEasyDoesIt.AndIstillsaythataslongasIrememberthatJanu -ary 8 inWashington,thatishowlong,bythegraceofGodasIunderstandHim,Iwillretainahappy sobriety.THE VICIOUS CYCLE 231Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 231(6)JIMS STORYThis physician, one of the earliest members of A.A.srstblackgroup,tellsofhowfreedomcameasheworked among his people.Iwasborn inalittletowninVirginiainan averagereligioushome.Myfather,aNegro,wasacountryphysician.Irememberinmyearlyyouthmy motherdressedmejustasshedidmytwosisters,andIworecurlsuntilIwassixyearsofage.AtthattimeIstartedschool,andthatshowIgotridofthecurls.IfoundthateventhenIhadfearsandinhibi-tions.WelivedjustafewdoorsfromtheFirstBap -tist Church, and when they had funerals, I rememberveryoftenaskingmymotherwhetherthepersonwasgoodorbadandwhethertheyweregoingtoheavenorhell.Iwasaboutsix then.Mymotherhadbeenrecentlyconvertedand,actu-ally,hadbecomeareligiousfanatic.Thatwashermain neuroticmanifestation.Shewasveryposses -sive withuschildren.MotherdrilledintomeaveryPuritanicalpointofviewastosexrelations,aswellasto motherhood and womanhood. Im sure my ideas astowhatlifeshouldbelikewerequitedifferentfrom thatoftheaveragepersonwithwhomIassoci-ated.Lateroninlifethattookitstoll.Irealizethatnow.232Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 232Aboutthistimeanincidenttookplaceingradeschool that I have never forgotten because it made merealizethatIwasactuallyaphysicalcoward.Duringrecesswewereplayingbasketball,andIhadacci-dentally tripped a fellow just a little larger than I was.Hetookthebasketballandsmashedmeinthefacewithit.ThatwasenoughprovocationtoghtbutIdidntght,andIrealizedafterrecesswhyIdidnt.It wasfear. That hurtanddisturbed me a great deal.Motherwasoftheoldschoolandguredthatany-oneIassociatedwithshouldbeofthepropertype.Of course,inmyday,timeshadchanged;shejusthadntchangedwiththetimes.Idontknowwhetheritwasrightorwrong,butatleastIknowthatpeoplewerent thinking the same. We werent even permittedtoplaycardsinourhome,butFatherwouldgiveusjustalittletoddywithwhiskeyandsugarandwarmwater now and then. We had no whiskey in the house,otherthanmyfathersprivatestock.Ineversawhimdrunkinmylife,althoughhedtakeashotinthemorningandusuallyoneintheevening,andsodidI; butforthemostparthekepthiswhiskeyinhis ofce.TheonlytimethatIeversawmymothertakeanythingalcoholicwasaroundChristmastime,whenshewoulddrinksomeeggnogor light wine.Inmyrstyearinhighschool,mothersuggestedthatInotjointhecadetunit.Shegotamedicalcer-ticatesothatIshouldnothavetojoinit.Idontknowwhethershewasapacistorwhethershejustthought that in the event of another war it would havesomebearingonmyjoiningup.AboutthenIrealizedthatmypointofviewontheoppositesexwasntentirelylikethatofmostoftheJIMS STORY 233Alco_9781893007161_6p_01_r6_Alco_1893007162_6p_01_r6.qxd11/20/133:40 PMPage 233boys I knew. For that reason, I believe, I married at amuch younger age than I would have, had it not beenformyhometraining.MywifeandIhavebeenmar-ried for some thirty years now. Vi was the rst girl thatI ever took out. I had quite a heartache about her thenbecauseshewasntthetypeofgirlthatmymotherwantedmetomarry.Intherstplace,shehadbeenmarried before; I was her second husband. My motherresenteditsomuchthattherstChristmasafterourmarriage, she didnt even invite us to dinner. After ourrst child came, my parents both became allies.