endless season 1-20

7/21/2019 Endless Season 1-20

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ENDLESS SEASON

chapter one

(2015)

She wished, first, that her arm wasnt bent unnaturally under her body in such an angry way, shoved

between her breastplate and whatever, be it mattress or couch or floor, was underneathandwished, second, that she were someone else entirely. The sun was settling uncomfortably on her

eyelashes, pulling back the lids with insistent, spiteful tugs. This was going to be another morning

like many other mornings and as the realization settled under her skin, she wanted less and less to

open her eyes at all.

The arm around her waist tightened as she cleared her throat and rolled over, attempting to ease the

tension in her own trapped, now traumatically numb, arm. The ceiling looked like a dozen ceilings

she had seen before, the pockmarks and plaster not quite identical, obviously, but still resolutely

contributing to the intimate familiarity she couldnt shake.

blithe thought came then, of how when people were cornered, they would lash out. !reviously shehad wondered if they knew they were lashing out while in the process of it, but now she wondered

if they could even know they were cornered. She had lived a good twenty"si# years$ it felt over"long

because it hadnt been broken up into chapters. There was no beginning and end to events, and so

there was no way to know if one was living it correctly, in any respect. Still, dimly, shed had the

feeling she had been living it incorrectly for some time now.

%ith a sigh, &im Taeyeon gently removed the arm from around her waist and sat up, climbing

unsteadily out of bed.

'ike most mornings, it was not a clean break. She was hunting for her clothes when the girl on the

bed stirred and mumbled something at her, her eyes opening in bleary indecency. Taeyeon clearedher throat and zipped up her (eans. )t was a little after lunchtime. *+mm-

*%here you going-

She was a pretty girl, probably about nineteen years old. f the brief images she could recall from

the previous night, Taeyeon remembered that the skin at the base of her neck was impossibly

smooth, that her hands were soft as though they had never worked. /aybe she was a student.

Taeyeon blew some of the hair out of her eyes and pulled her shirt on.

*) have to go. ) have an appointment.- +er cellphone wasnt in her pocket like usual so she had to

hunt for it.

The girl then said what they all more or less said, perhaps not always because they meant the

sentiment but because it was e#pected and the transaction was somehow empty without it. +er wide

eyescircle lenses, Taeyeon thoughtblinked long fluttering eyelasheslikely fakeand she

said, unnaturally high and mouthwateringly sweet, *%ill ) see you again-

Taeyeon smiled because she had spotted her cellphone on the nightstand by the girls head. She

scooped it up and then leaned down for a quick, perfunctory kiss. *f course. ) had fun. )ll call

you.-

*0ut you dont have my number.-

She breathed out noisily through her nose. +er head was aching. She had no idea if it was a


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hangoverthe dry mouth and numbness of limbs would indicate soor a habitual headache like

usualthe burden of living everyday as she did would indicate sobut it was making her feel

electric under her skin, impatient with the strain of feeling unnatural.

She patiently counted to ten and made herself smile gently. This was a very nice girl with a very

nice apartment. She brought up her phones address book and then wordlessly, the smile

unwavering on her lips, passed the phone to the girls pale, trembling hands. The trembling inspiredher annoyance to dissipate, somewhat. )t was easy to forget what a young, innocent girl looked like

from the inside out.

*+ere.- The phone was back in her hands. *) put my name in, too, in case you didnt remember it.-

genuine, heartfelt smile which Taeyeon couldnt help but return.

*Thank you.- She kissed her again, lingeringly this time. 'ee &iyoung. *Thanks.-

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She escaped onto the street, her head feeling light enough to float away. %hen shed left the

apartment and realized there were eight flights of stairs between her and freedom, she had begun tofeel sick and had taken them at a sprint. 2ow her heart was pounding in rhythm with her head. She

gulped in cold air. +er (acket was too light for Seoul in winter. +er head was killing her. !ressing

her back against the brick wall, she tried to find consciousness. There was something she had to do

today, (ust like there was something she had to do everyday. She opened her eyes, looking blankly

at the city street in front of her. %hat was it.

*'unch with +yoyeon. )n 3angnam.-

)t was one of the girls who followed her.

*4ight,- she said, breathless. )t was a habit to not make eye contact with these fans. She felt aroundfor her car keys. They were in her right (acket pocket but she couldnt see her car on the street, nor

did she have any idea where the parking garage was, if the building had oneit had to have one,

even if it wasnt a very e#pensive area, there were always parking garages

*5ou came here in a cab,- one of the other girls said. brief glance confirmed there were only four

of them today. )f she was a long way from her neighborhood, that made sense$ it was only a certain

type of character who could handle following one person around without cognizance of the maze

barriers. *%e called it for you, both of you were too drunk to drive.-

*4ight.- That was all she said.

*%e called another one when we saw you were coming down, itll be here soon.-

How did you know I was coming downor God why are you here orMaybe Ill just walk, what about

that, I dont need youall clustered together on the tip of her tongue but all she said was what she

always said6 *4ight.-

*5our car is at the bar in Seongdong if you want the cab to take you there instead of to lunch.-

*4ight.-

The cab pulled up and one of the girls handed her a cup of coffee.


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*7eel better, Taeyeon unni.-

*4ight.-

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The cabdriver wanted an autograph for his kid instead of cab"fare. This was par for the course$

Taeyeon hadnt properly paid cab"fare in over five years. She straightened her rumpled clothing onthe drive over, fi#ing her hair. She wasnt sure why. )t hardly made a difference. She and the girls

had spent over a decade together at this point. They knew each others habits better than they knew

their own and used each other as a reference, an encyclopedia on their own particular quirks and

eccentricities.

+yoyeon seemed like she had been waiting a while. She was on her second cup of coffee. f all the

3irls 3eneration members to keep waiting, +yoyeon was probably the best. She was sharp and

would make her aggravation known with little fanfare, which was more than she could say for other

members.

*+ey. Sorry )m late.- She smiled at the waitress. *8ust coffee.-

*re you eating at all these days- This was +yoyeons version of a greeting.

Taeyeon looked down at herself. She was a little skinnier than usual but hardly worth noting. *%hat

do you mean-

*9very time weve had lunch for the past three weeks, youve only had coffee.-

Taeyeon shrugged. *) eat a lot at night, trust me. ) sit in the booth for two hours and (ust eat (unk.-

*5ou should e#ercise more.-

*)f ) wasnt so lazy. re you mothering me- She smiled wryly but the words had an edge to them.

*)d try to, but ) dont think youd let me.-

Taeyeon sipped her coffee. *)s everything okay- +yoyeon shrugged. *+ows :u(un-

*Theyre working a lot, because of the album, so ) dont see him very much.- She shrugged. n

most people, it might have been an attempt to look as though the whole thing didnt ruffle her, but

the truth was that little things ruffled +yoyeon anyway. She was far from a clingy girlfriend. )t was

why Taeyeon had said a million times that +yoyeon was the only one of them she would consider

dating, even if they all knew that wasnt entirely true.

*Speaking of album- +yoyeon began and Taeyeon squinted at her, the headache coming back

with a dedicated vengeance. +yoyeon recognized her shift in mood immediately. *r not;-

Taeyeon shook her head. *Sorry. +eadache. Speaking of album, what.-

*+ow close are you to finishing yours-

She sipped her coffee leisurely to give herself some time to think of a good way to say it. *) wouldsay, maybe, less than half finished.-


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*'ess than half-

*/aybe closer to-

*%ell, how much of it have you-

*) have one song finished,- Taeyeon said baldly and then smiled, feeling suddenly neurotic. *)ts agood song.-

*Then (ust put out a single,- +yoyeon chuckled. *) (ust ask because 8uhyun asked and 8uhyun asked

because-

*0ecause of the group.-

*) mean, its up to you, really, when our ne#t group album comes out. fter your solo album, before.

)t depends on you.-

*5ou would make a great manager, you know that-

*2o, ) wouldnt, ) hate entertainers.-

Taeyeon laughed. She felt a little better$ the headache wasnt disappearing, but it certainly was easy

to ignore around someone like +yoyeon. This was probably true of nearly every member of the

band, but most potent with &im +yoyeon$ when they had met eleven years ago, they had been so

awkward itgaveTaeyeon headaches. ver the years they had settled into a comforting sort of

familiarity. f course, over a decades worth of friendship would do that, but with +yoyeon,

Taeyeon knew that she herself had not gotten any less awkward$ they had both (ust become more

adept at being comfortable with the mutual awkwardness.

)t was for this reason, really, that although she would not single +yoyeon out as the member she

was closest with, she was easily the member she trusted the most.

7or her part, +yoyeon was probably incredibly aware of this, and this was probably why she felt

comfortable broaching sub(ects with Taeyeon that other members would be afraid to.

+yoyeon put both her hands on the table, fingers spread with pensive intention. *The other thing )

wanted to talk to you about-

*%ow, really.- Taeyeon sipped her coffee. *5ou really would make a good manager, ) feel burdenedthe minute you open your mouth.-

They shared a wry smile. +yoyeon went on, *5ou havent returned any of 8uhyuns te#ts, so )m

going to ask on her behalf-

*Te#ts- Taeyeon frowned. *)m sorry, ) literally (ust woke up.-

*%e both e#pected as much. nyway, since she has a schedule with you tonight, she was wondering

if youd carpool with her over to 8essicas. )m going to be coming from :obong because )m

filming, so ) cant pick her up-

*5eah, sure, whatever,- Taeyeon said quickly. She had forgotten that 8uhyun was a guest on her

radio show tonight. 0efore she had ended up in that bar last night, shed planned to write up some


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good questions to ask her, since she wanted it to be a really good interview. She knew better than

anyone how to draw good responses out of someone quiet like 8uhyun, especially since she had

known her forever. She scratched the back of her neck thoughtfully. *%hy are we meeting up at

8essicas, though, (ust wondering.-

+yoyeon paused, e#haling impatiently. *h, really. 5ou really dont check your te#t messages, do

you-

*) do,- she lied defensively. )t was ta#ing, really. She had over one hundred unread messages. She

tried to prioritize them, but most times that meant only reading the ones from her manager so that

she knew to be at schedules on time.

*The least you could do is check into group chat once in a while,- +yoyeon said. *5oure aware

that Stephanie is back in Seoul, right-

Taeyeon felt suddenly as though she had been kicked. +yoyeon looked at her with something

resembling pity.

*f course )m aware,- Taeyeon said. +er tongue felt numb. So it was like that. She had been in

'os ngeles for nearly three months. )t was like that, huh. *); am aware;-

*She got in yesterday morning.- +yoyeons tone had softened. )t was hard to look at her, now, when

her e#pression was filled with sickening sympathy. *So 8essicas having us over for dinner tonight.

5oud know that if you checked into group chat once in a while, or even checked your te#ts.-

*)ve been busy,- Taeyeon said quietly. *);-

*) know,- +yoyeon said softly. *0ut (ust make the effort if you can.-

The pounding in her head suddenly intensified to the point where she felt as though she might be

sick. She felt as though the alcohol wasnt out of her system. )t prickled all over her body, the

immediate feeling of wanting to be back in that warm bed, eight floors up, pressed against 'ee &i"

whoever or any girl or anyone, really, anyone that would block out this feeling.

She steeled herself and inhaled. )t took all her willpower to not e#hale in a rush of e#hausted

tension. *3ood,- she said briskly. *That means we can talk about the album tonight. nd we can

start production on it immediately. 3ood.-

+yoyeon looked at her for a long moment. She wondered what she must have looked like from theoutside looking in. %as the forceful stamping down of emotion, desperate climbing into her )dol

3roup 'eader skin visible from the outside

*kay.- That was all +yoyeon said.

*kay,- Taeyeon agreed. She stood abruptly, throwing down enough money to cover her coffee and

+yoyeons meal. *)ts on me. ) gotta run, ) have a schedule.-

rms folded across +yoyeons chest$ she sat back. *f course you do.-

Taeyeon looked out the window for a moment and then smiled tightly at her old friend. *See yousee you tonight.-

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Taeyeon sat in the recording studio, listening to the mastered version of the last song she had

recorded. She had heard it thirty or forty times, mastered, by now. )t was settling into the grooves of

her brain. She looked at her phone.

unread messages.

She swallowed hard and began to diligently scroll through each one. There was no way she could

reply to each and every one. There was a pang of guilt associated with each and every attempt at

communication from people she loved, attempts that had gone ignored. She sighed, rubbing her

temples. She continued scrolling up until her finger landed on a name that she knew she hadnt seen

in her te#ts list for three months.

*5eppeuni +wang ?-

She opened the message.

Taeyeon~ Im getting into Seoul riday morning !! "ould you want to meet me at the air#ort$ %etme know&

She sucked in a sharp breath. The message was five days old. She continued scrolling until the

name, the familiar heart shape, appeared again. This was from three days ago.

'kaaaaaaay, Im guessing no re#ly means youre busy, keke !! Its ok, (essi says shell #ick me u#)

*o #roblem !+~

The ne#t message was immediately above it, only fifteen minutes between.

ut& Maybe we could have dinner the night I get in$ 'r just drinks, knowing you, kekekeke) Missed

you a lot, let me know !!

+er fingers scrolled hastily now, ignoring any other names e#cept the pressing bold one, the starkly

mocking heart shape. The ne#t one was from the day before.

(essi says youre #retty busy lately, so Im guessing dinner or drinks wont be #ossible$ *o #roblem

!! ut Ill see you at dinner tomorrow, right$ I miss you a lot, TaeTae) Its hard to talk like this)

Thats why I didnt te-t you be.ore) 'kay) Miss you !!

nother one, only a few hours later.

Im in Seoul& Hey, havent seen you in grou# chat, by the way) The rest o. the girls are there)

/nyway, let me know i. you want to hang out today, otherwise Ill see you tomorrow)

The ne#t one was from the previous night. Taeyeon suspected it had come in when she had pressed

'ee &iyoung up against the door of her apartment, her hand snaking underneath her skirt.

Guess Ill see you tomorrow night$ (essi says you havent touched base with her but that she

doesnt think youd miss it) 0lease come$ I miss you so much) I have so much to tell you) 1oure not

ignoring me, right$ I bet you wouldnt kekekeke !! Miss you, TaeTae)

That was the last one. There was a string of messages from her manager, a few from the other girls.

She replied to the ones from her manager, confirming schedules and appointments. The mastered


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version of her song picked up its loop for the fourth time. She read the last message from the little

heart shape one last time. +er eyes traced the words. )t wasnt until the song picked up to loop for

the fifth time that she managed to press reply and type out a message.

See you tonight, any)

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chapter two

Taeyeon twirled her pen distractedly between her fingers. 'ooking across the mic, she met 8uhyuns

eyes and smiled at her. 8uhyun smiled back$ Taeyeons heart swelled. Seo 8uhyun was someone she

would never tire of staring at. She was graceful in ways that defied language. Taeyeon loved her

very much.

%hen the commercials ended, Taeyeon plugged her headphones in again.

*Taeyeons 'ate 2ight 4adio picks up the second half with a guest that 'ate 2ight listeners should

hopefully be very familiar with, unless they want to make me angry. This is a person who is so cute,

you instantly want to take care of her, yet someone who is so bright and mature, you can feel only

frustration that she wont let you. )n the studio with me is Seohyun, please welcome her.-

8uhyun leaned toward the mic to introduce herself. Taeyeon watched her attentively$ it was second

nature at this point. 9very word and syllable was a reflection of nine different people.

*Seohyun sshi,- she said, the term dripping with such forced formality that Seohyun laughed. *%e

know each other pretty well, right-

*/mm,- 8uhyun agreed. *) think we are familiar with one another.-

*5es, Seohyun and ) have worked together in the past,- Taeyeon (oked. *)m Seohyuns fan.-

*Truthfully, )m Taeyeons fan.-

*5es,- Taeyeon said distractedly, looking down at her script. *Thats why ) invited you. Seohyun, )

wont beat around the bush, because youre a guest that; truthfully, regular listeners should really

know a lot about you, since ) talk about you a lot.-

*5es.-

*So )ll ask the question ) think everyone wants to hear the most. Since youve released your first

solo album, many people, ) think, are curious about the answer to this question. 9specially since the

album is doing so well, and the song had an all"kill on music charts, so certainly a lot of people are

wondering about this question.-

*ll right.-

*The question iswho is your favorite member of 3irls 3eneration-

7or the first night in many, Taeyeon wrapped two hours of radio without a headache. The mi#ture of8uhyuns company, the vibrant atmosphere in the booth that night @many of the writers were

Seohyun fansA, and the vitamins and water 8uhyun had brought Taeyeon before the show started not


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only relieved her of the tension in her head, but did the trick of allowing her to forget about the

mounting an#iety of that nights dinner.

f course, as soon as she finished recording, the comfort and ease melted away and her stomach

tightened. She realized with a start that she was about thirty minutes away, give or take traffic or a

hold"up from fans on the way out of the /0B building, from seeing a person she wanted very badly

to look at and very powerfully knew she shouldnt.

She waited patiently while 8uhyun distributed signed copies of her album to the staff, greeting each

and every staff member individually with an earnest and professional fashion that again made

Taeyeons heart swell. )t was difficult not to see 8uhyun as something between a little sister and a

daughter. 'ogically, she knew there was only a two year difference between the two of them and

that she, Taeyeon, was hardly mature enough to qualify as much of an older sister, let alone a

mother, but her heart could not help but feel that way every time she looked at the girl she had

watched grow up for eleven years.

*Cnni.- 8uhyun was in front of her suddenly, looking down at her with warm, placid eyes. *re you

ready to go-

*5es.- She took 8uhyuns hand, lacing their fingers together. *Bome on, theres a back e#it to the

parking garage, we can avoid the fans.-

Bertain fans were unavoidable, though. few of the girls who followed her were gathered around

her &ia manti when they rounded the parking garage corner. Taeyeon pressed the lock button on

her keys (ust to hear it honk loudly and startle the fans. She smiled wryly$ 8uhyun nudged her, but

8uhyun didnt live with the daily headache.

Taeyeon opened the passenger door for 8uhyun and let her in. ne of the fans was standing at her

elbow. +er head pounded suddenly. She slammed the door.

*:o you all want to get run over,- she said softly, edgily. She rounded the car and opened the

drivers side door.

*re you going to 8essicas- one of the fans asked politely.

Csually she ignored them. Tonight the an#iety was scraping at the self"control she had worked years

to build up. She rolled her eyes, spat, *:ont you already know- and then climbed into the car,

slamming the door after herself. %ith a roar of the engine, she peeled out of the parking garage, not

bothering to make sure she had cleared them from in front of the car. Cndoubtedly they wouldfollow. Cndoubtedly a group of them were already waiting at 8essicas for her. She growled

unintelligibly under her breath as she eased her car out into the Seoul traffic.

8uhyun put one cool hand on the side of Taeyeons neck. *Cnni, take it easy. They (ust want to rile

you up.-

*%hy is it me.-

ll of the other girls had stalker fans who occasionally followed them, showed up at their

apartments in the hopes of seeing them, or followed them to various filming and schedules, but she

was the only one with a dedicated group that followed her every move. She couldnt sneeze withoutone of them offering her a tissue, appearing from behind some circumspect hiding space. ne had

cornered her in a public bathroom once.


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*) dont know,- 8uhyun said thoughtfully. *5ou must have done something to encourage their

behavior;-

Taeyeons eyes narrowed. She changed lanes abruptly because there was a ta#i behind her. She

knew. *So its my fault then,- she said bitterly. +er tone held a hint of defensiveness and reproof but

she smiled because, in all things, she didnt want to hurt 8uhyun.

*2o,- 8uhyun said delicately. She paused. *0ut maybe you should consider the impression you give

them.-

Taeyeon was silent as she maneuvered her car through 7riday night central Seoul traffic. !erhaps it

was sheer willfulness, but she had no idea what 8uhyun meant. f the nine of them, Taeyeon was

the most stand"offish with fans$ she was known for it, actually, and had often seen fans discussing it

on the internet. She had worked hard to train the fans into understanding that there was a distinct

line between acceptable fan behavior and unacceptable fan behavior. She went out of her way to be

kind and approachable during public fan events like fan meetings, signings, concerts, show tapings.

The moment a fan overstepped their bounds and inched into her private life, she was quick tochange her attitude toward them. She had done this for years and as such had developed a reputation

for her hotDcold behavior among fans. 7or that reason alone, she could not understand what

compelled these girls to follow her around. Bertainly they knew that the moment they had started,

she had immediately begun to hate them. %hy her, of all people /any of the other members were

far more indulgent toward disrespectful fans. %hy not them

She realized with a start that she was fuming heavily, e#haling angrily out of her nose (ust like

8uhyun did whenshe was angry. 7or her part, 8uhyun was looking at her softly out of the side of her

eyes.

*4ela#, unni.-

Csually Taeyeon hated being told to rela#. She disliked any blatant dismissal of her feelings. 0ut

8uhyun was an e#ception$ 8uhyun got away with a lot around her. )t was impossible to be angry at

8uhyun.

She e#haled, letting the tension melt out of her body. Traffic had slowed to a crawl.

*h.- 8uhyun looked at her phone. *)ts +yoyeon unni.-

*/mm.- She tried to get into the right lane for her upcoming e#it. *%hatd she say-

*E+urry up, were waiting on you two and )m impatient asas heck.- 8uhyun pursed her lips.

Taeyeon doubted +yoyeons te#t had been that mild.

*%hat- she snapped. *Boming from :obong is a piece of cake, so of course you got there before

us, try navigating traffic out of 5eouido, see how you fu-

*Cnni,- 8uhyun said mildly, eyebrows raised.

Taeyeon sighed for what felt like the millionth time that night.

8uhyun put her phone away. *re you an#ious about seeing Tiffany unni-


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Taeyeon chuckled dryly. 8uhyun really didnt beat around the bush. )t was surprising, though, since

the magnae was not usually the prying type. Taeyeon gave it some thought before answering.

*2ot an#ious, really.-

*9#cited-

*%ell.-

*%ell-

*)ts somewhere between there.- She breathed. She didnt dare turn her head to make eye contact

with 8uhyun$ she could feel the sympathetic, pitying gaze. That was how they all looked at her

when it came to Tiffany. !ity. h you poor languishing thing. She clicked her tongue impatiently.

*'ook at it professionally,- 8uhyun suggested. *:oesnt that make it easier )nstead of thinking

about; 8ust think about how we can start on another group album, unni.-

*4ight,- Taeyeon agreed, feeling like a robot. +uman mode disabled. 'eader mode enabled. %ork,

work, work$ the sum of nine parts was a pop album with sweat and tears in it. There was no feeling

or desire in it. )t was easier that way.

1 1 1

8essica and Tiffanys apartment was four flights up. Taeyeon had unconsciously dragged her feet,

but 8uhyun was a slow walker anyway. 8essica had called through the buzzer that the door was

open$ they knocked twice before opening it. 0eyond the threshold, the pressing milieu of the past

ten years of her life hit her, wrapped itself around her, swept into her lungs and pinned her to the

floor.

%hen the nine of them got together, it was loud. Suffocating. )rrepressible.

0eautiful.

Taeyeon prided herself on a lack of soppy emotion when it came to things like this, but occasionally

it was okay to admit it.

*Took you long enough,- 8essica complained, taking their coats at the door. They slipped out of

their shoes. 5oona, +yoyeon, and 5uri were gathered around the television, which was set to a low

murmur, talking loudly about the news broadcast. Sunkyu was in the ad(oining kitchen, counting

utensils and arguing with Sooyoung, who was holding two bottles of beer for no discernible reason,

e#cept perhaps that Sooyoung really liked beer, which Taeyeon guessed was actually a very

discernible reason.

*%e had to stop for stomach medicine,- Taeyeon e#plained, *when ) heard you were cooking.-

8essica punched her in the arm, hard. *8ackass. ) ordered in.-

*h, thank god.-

*%heres Tiffany unni- 8uhyun asked, helping 8essica hang up their coats in the front closet. Theback of Taeyeons neck prickled uncomfortably.


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*utside.- 8essica gestured with her head toward the back door, beyond which lay the balcony.

*Smoking.-

8uhyun wrinkled her nose. *)s she back to that-

*Somehow picked it up in '.. again,- 8essica said with a shrug. *)m going to get her to quit.- +er

eyes scanned over to Taeyeon, meeting her gaze and locking it. *So youre alive, huh.-

Taeyeon smiled faintly, looking down at herself for a moment. *Seems so.-

8essica rolled her eyes. %ith an impatient head shake she grabbed Taeyeon by the shoulders and

hugged her tightly. *8erk. nswer my te#ts sometimes, okay-

*kay.- +er tone was soft as she rela#ed in 8essicas arms. 8essica gave good hugs. )t was difficult

for Taeyeon, who could only pat her awkwardly on the back in response, to feel as though she even

deserved them. They were warm and honesteverything Taeyeon wasnt. She sighed. *)m sorry.

)ve been-

*0usy,- 8essica finished with a laugh and as she pulled away, Taeyeon could see her rolling her eyes

again. *) know.-

Then she said, *8uhyun- and reached past her to pull the youngest into a hug but at that moment

the back door slid open and a rush of cold air accompanied the most breathtaking person Taeyeon

had ever laid eyes on. +er stomach fell. She was going to be sick.

*Tiffany unniF- 8uhyun cried and Tiffany turned, her dark hair moving around her face in slow

motion, perfect white teeth flashed in accordance with two upturned eyes. Taeyeon choked on a

gasping breath$ it was stupid, it was dramatic, it was like she was fifteen years old again.

*8uhyunnie,- Tiffany said warmly, striding across the apartment to wrap 8uhyun in a hug and her

pro#imity nearly knocked Taeyeon off her feet$ if 8essica hadnt been standing right beside her,

holding her up with sheer force of magnetic will, Taeyeon wondered if she mightve collapsed.

8uhyun was released and Taeyeons best friend turned to her, smiling so refreshingly sweet and

forgivingthere was no bitterness, no condemnationand put her arms around Taeyeon.

*) missed you, TaeTae.-

Taeyeon breathed in, holding onto Tiffany with one arm. She kept the other pressed immobile to herside, knowing that if she risked to wrap it around Tiffanys warm, lithe figure that she would be

rendered incapable of letting go. She breathed in.

*5ou smell awful,- she lied, mumbling into Tiffanys hair. The smell of cigarette smoke clung to

her. )t was usually enough to nauseate Taeyeon, but this was Tiffany, and there was nothing about

Tiffany that each of Taeyeons five senses didnt find perfect. She swallowed hard$ with one hand,

Tiffany hit her back playfully.

*8erk.- There was a smile in her tone. *Bant you (ust say you missed me-

She pulled away and couldnt help but fall into Tiffanys eyes, liquid brown and hypnotizing.

*) missed you.-


12/202

Tiffany grinned. */e too.- She looked over her shoulder and then suddenly Taeyeon was reminded

that not allof her senses found Tiffanys 9verything perfect, as Tiffany shouted in that way"too"

loud voice6 *5eahF )s the food here yet-

She smiled briefly at Taeyeon, squeezed her hand, and then walked off to harass Sunkyu. 8uhyun

followed along behind her @probably not with any intentions of harassmentA. Taeyeon watched her.+er insides felt numb. nce again her skin tingled, seemed at once on fire with the need to press

against a mattress, feel skin around her thighs, a tongue in her mouth. She felt helpless and could

not understand why.

8essica wrapped an arm around her shoulder tightly. +er lips pressed briefly against Taeyeons

temple. Taeyeon knew without looking that 8essicas gaze was probably saturated in pity. 8ust like

all the rest.

*Bome on, baby,- 8essica murmured in her ear, pulling her bodily toward the kitchen. *) bought

your favorite wine.-

Taeyeon e#haled, long and measured. 5es. She would need wine.

1 1 1

Stephanie +wang was a living angel with a halo behind her head.

Taeyeon smiled at her drowsily.

)t was not a halo actually (ust a white pillow on 8essicas white couch but it meant the same thing,

deep down.

*+ello,- she said, and there was a moment when Tiffanys smile was so blinding white, so naturallypure, that Taeyeon worried her headache would come back.

*+ello.- Tiffanys voice, Tiffanys voice, so low, so raspy, so very much the greatest thing to ever

happen to Taeyeons ears. Taeyeon leaned in, pressed her body close. Tiffanys body hummed,

vibrated. %arm. 0uzzing.

*5oure drunk,- Tiffany said softly.

*/mm,- Taeyeon agreed. She had Tiffany pinned to the couch. She could make love to Tiffany on

this couch. %ith all of these people watching. She didnt care. )f Tiffany said the word, she would.

ll she needed was the smallest bit of encouragement and she would press Tiffany against the

yielding couch cushions, put her mouth on every centimeter of flawless skin, skin that she had

dreamt about. She would draw her own name from Tiffanys lips, make her tremble with want the

way she had for years and years. nd they would watch and maybe they would stop pitying her.

Tiffany giggled softly, brushing Taeyeons bangs off her forehead. She didnt seem to mind being

pressed against the couch like this. +er legs had even opened for Taeyeon, and Taeyeon swallowed

hard, pressed herself between Tiffanys legs and wanted her with her whole being.

*) thought you were going to grow your bangs out,- Tiffany commented.

*) will if you want me to,- she said candidly. *)d do anything you wanted.-


13/202

Tiffany laughed outright. *2oooo, ) (ust e#pected to come back after three months and youd be

showing that se#y forehead of yours.-

She looked into Tiffanys eyes. They were eyes you could look into for the rest of your life. /usic

was her life, her passion, but she would give it up (ust to stare into Tiffanys eyes for her entire life.

%ith permission. lways with permission.

*) missed you.- The words tasted bitter on her tongue but she meant them sweetly, sincerely.

'ooking at Tiffany day in and day out was painful, but it was the good kind of pain, the aching pain

like long nails scratching her back, or the bitter acidic burn of hard liquor clearing her throat. 3ood

pain, pain she longed for.

Tiffanys smile was soft. Sad *) missed you, too.-

*%hy didnt you call.- +er voice felt faraway. 4ough. She had drank too much. s usual.

*%ould you have answered-

She wasnt sure. *5es. 5es.-

*Taeyeon, youre drunk.- )t was Sooyoung. She was pulling Taeyeons arm. She was trying to take

Taeyeon away from Tiffany. She wrenched her arm away, snuggled into Tiffanys embrace. Tiffany

accepted her. +er arms came around Taeyeons back. She put her head in the crook of Tiffanys

neck, where it didnt smell like cigarette smoke, it smelled like a girl she had met at fifteen years

old and promptly fallen in love with.

*%anna stay.-

*)ts okay,- she heard Tiffany say. *) got her.-

Sooyoung lingered by them. Sooyoung was drunk, too, yet Taeyeon was sure she was looking down

at her with pity. *re you really okay Shes-

*)ts fine,- Tiffany said lightly. They talked about her like she wasnt there. Taeyeon was a problem

that the members had to deal with sometimes. Someone should check on Taeyeon. +ave you heard

from Taeyeon. :oes Taeyeon know about this. %hen Taeyeon finds out she will be upset. :id

Taeyeon say anything to you. :id Taeyeon do anything to you. :id Taeyeon hurt you. The problem

the problem the problem was Taeyeon.

She felt like crying. She pressed herself into Tiffany. )t was the closest she would ever get.

Tiffany would never love her like she loved Tiffany but at least Tiffany didnt hate her for it, at least

Tiffany wasnt disgusted, or afraid. r concerned. Boncern was the worst. There were few phrases

she disliked more than *Taeyeon )m concerned.-

*) amdrunk,- Taeyeon announced suddenly. She felt she should be upfront with Tiffany, who was

so pure and good. Then she felt self"conscious. *:ont take me seriously, )m drunk.-

*5es, baby, ) know youre drunk,- Tiffany said. She was smiling. She was so pretty.

*5oure so pretty.-


14/202

Tiffany laughed.

*) love you.-

nother laugh. She lifted Taeyeons bangs off her forehead again. *'ove you, too.-

*)f only unni was this affectionate sober,- 5oona commented. %here had 5oona come from. 5oonawas drunk. 5oona was a lousy drunk.

*3o away, 5oona,- Taeyeon said eloquently and 5oona laughed that great laugh, that great 5oona

laugh that was so much more 5oona when 5oona was drunk.

She looked down, and then she looked up. 8essica and Tiffanys apartment, quiet with the

comforting volume$ the eight people she loved most in the world, maybe, although she would never

say it. %hen Tiffany had said, three months ago, that she needed a break and was going to head

back home to Balifornia to sort out her head, none of them had suspected it would last as long as it

didand yet none of them had really e#pected her to come back. )t wasnt that they thought she

wouldntit was (ust too difficult to have e#pectations.

9ight years ago they had been shoved out on a stage and forced to be a group, and so sometimes

they wondered if they were forced to be a family, too.

Taeyeon did, sometimes. She wondered sometimes if she loved the group because she loved them,

or if she loved them because she had to. 0ut that night, pressed against her best friend, the girl she

loved, and surrounded by the group members that she needed like air, she thought it wasnt an

obligation, really. )t was love, in a pure, drunk, beautiful kind of way.

1 1 1

chapter three

The light had faded. She wasnt sure if she had fallen asleep, but the ne#t time she came to, the

apartment was significantly quieter, darker, and Tiffany was attempting to e#tricate herself from

underneath Taeyeons body. The living room was dark. They were alone.

*%here are you going,- she mumbled. She tightened her grip around Tiffanys waist.

*8ust-

*Trying to get away from me,- Taeyeon mumbled. She looked blearily at Tiffany. So pretty. *re

you afraid of me-

Tiffany gazed at her. +er e#pression was soft. *2ot at all. 2ever.-

*) would never hurt you.-

*TaeTae, ) know that.-

+er stomach lurched and fluttered. She loosened her grip a little.

*) have to pee,- Tiffany told her. She let her go and rolled over, burying her face in the couch

pillow.


15/202

*%here is everyone-

*They went home.- She opened one eye. Tiffanys legs. The curve of her knee. She reached out

with one finger and touched her, lightly. *8essi said it would be better if you stayed the night here.-

*/mm. Ban ) sleep with you.-

Tiffany laughed and ruffled her hair. *5oure a pervert. )ll be right back. 3o drink some water.-

She did stagger into the kitchen and drank glass after glass of water. She tried to rela#. +er mind

felt fuzzy, pleasantly blurry, but she wanted to remember how the evening had gone. They had eaten

dinner after the food had arrived. She hadnt eaten muchperhaps that was why she had gotten so

drunkbut she had looked at Tiffany from across the table and that had been enough. They had

discussed the ne#t group album and had decided to meet with their producer within the ne#t week.

They had discussed concepts, song ideas. They were e#cited about it. Their si#th full"length album.

)t felt like it was a long"time coming, even if it really wasnt.

%hen Tiffany talked about '.. her eyes lit up. Taeyeon was sure she had a boyfriend. She was sure

of it. She had drank a lot of wine to dull the ache.

Tiffany came back. She leaned against the kitchen door and watched Taeyeon drinking water.

Taeyeon put the glass down. *5ou gained a lot of weight.-

Tiffany shoved her. *5oure such an ass, oh my god.-

*Speaking of asses, yours is looking-

She shoved her again. *8erk.-

Taeyeon gazed at her. She wanted to say something but could not make herself. 8essica came in

then, dressed for bed. She grabbed a water bottle from the fridge.

*:oes Taengoo need blankets and pillows or are you going to grab some for her- she asked

Tiffany.

Tiffany shrugged. *She can sleep in my bed.-

8essica looked at her. +er e#pression was very serious. Taeyeon stiffened.

*re you- 8essica began, but Taeyeon pushed past both of them on the way back to the living

room.

*)ll sleep on the couch.-

Then Tiffany, who didnt know how to whisper properly, said in a hushed tone, *Stop making her

feel bad.-

*) (ust dont want you to be uncomfortable-

*)ts fine-


16/202

Taeyeon pulled off her (eans and collapsed onto the couch again. 8essica came in and kissed her

forehead. She put a water bottle on the table ne#t to the couch.

*'ove you, Taengoo. 'et me know if you need anything.-

*:ont want you to be uncomfortable,- Taeyeon retorted, but regretted it the moment she saw8essicas face fall. )t wasnt 8essicas fault she was like this. )t was her fault, everything was her

own fault. She shouldve fallen in love with someone else. She grabbed 8essicas wrist. *'ove you,

too.-

Tiffany had gone into her room and came back with a blanket and a pillow. 8essica went to bed.

Tiffany lifted Taeyeons bangs off her forehead again. Taeyeon gazed up at her. She thought her

e#pression was probably not dissimilar to worship. ther people looked up to the heavens for

comfort, but Taeyeon needed only to look up to Tiffany.

*5ou can come sleep with me,- Tiffany said, but Taeyeon took the pillow and blanket anyway.

*5ou dont know what )ll do to you in your sleep.-

Tiffany chuckled. She put her hand on Taeyeons cheek. *bsolutely nothing. 0ecause you would

never hurt me. 3ood"night.-

She tried to get comfortable on the couch but it was difficult and she felt guilt and her head was

killing her.

1 1 1

There was no glamor to waking up alone, either.

She groaned and rolled over. +er neck and upper back were both stiff. The three of them had been

too drunk the previous night to think about closing the curtains in the living room. %ithout opening

her eyes Taeyeon knew (ust how much light was threatening to split through and make the pounding

in her head worse.

She blinked slowly. Slept with her contacts in, again. groan slipped past her lips.

*Taengoo.- 8essica slapped her butt. *4ise and shine.-

Taeyeon screwed her eyes shut. There was nothing worse than being woken up by 8essica, who had

perfected the art of waking people up in the most obno#ious ways possible, mostly in retaliation of

all the years they had all spent attempting various methods on her.

*%hat time is it.- +er voice sounded as rough as it felt.

* little after eleven,- 8essica chirped. 8essica was awful because 8essica never got hungover. 2ot

only was she a charming, happy, clingy drunk, but she never got hungover. Taeyeon hated her. r

would, if she could.

*Cgh.- She rolled onto her back. n the table ne#t to the couch was a glass of water and a bottle of

pain medicine. Sitting up, she tipped the bottle into her mouth and washed down the pills withwater.


17/202

*Thats more than the recommended dosage,- 8essica said thoughtfully. She sat on the table,

crossing her legs primly.

Taeyeon closed her eyes, massaging the bridge of her nose. *5oure more than the recommended

dosage. %hat did ) do last night.-

*3ot drunk.-

*bviously,- Taeyeon retorted.

*nd didntwake up with a strange girl, for once.-

*5oure pretty strange.-

8essica grinned. She moved to sit behind Taeyeon and then massaged her temples gingerly. Taeyeon

leaned back into her touch.

*5ou (ust clung to Tiffany all night and whined about how much you loved her.-

Taeyeon cringed. She could actually feel her head throbbing.

*So nothing unusual then,- she said bitterly.

*2ope, run"of"the"mill drunk Taengoo,- 8essica said softly. *+ow are you-

*%hat do you mean- 8essica remained silent, gently massaging her head. )t felt good. Taeyeon

sighed. *)ts a little hard to see her. 0ut;-

*0ut-

*0ut. s hard as it is, its a lot harder to notsee her.- She frowned. *:oes that make sense.-

*5eah.- 8essica kissed the back of her head. *) love you, Taengoo.-

Taeyeons skin felt prickly. */mm,- she agreed. She knew 8essica wouldnt e#pect her to say it

back. 2ot sober. )t wasnt in her personality.

*) (ust want you to be happy.-

Taeyeon thought about it for a long time. *) am happy,- she lied. She felt 8essicas arms wrap

around her shoulders from behind, felt her press another kiss to the back of her head. She could tell

8essica didnt believe her. 8essica, like the rest of them, pitied her.

0ut all she said was *kay,- and then she stood and headed toward the bathroom to shower,

mumbling something about having to meet unni for a late breakfast. Taeyeon released an unstrung

sigh and fell back on the couch, nursing a pounding headache. She was beginning to forget what a

head that wasnt pounding and throbbing painfully even felt like.

She felt a weight on her shoulder and when she opened her eyes she found Tiffany nestled against

her side, eyes closed. +er hair was a mess and her face was lined with sleep. Taeyeon shifted asgently as she could to make room for her best friend.


18/202

*3ood morning,- Tiffany mumbled sleepily.

*/orning.- She cleared her throat. The discomfort was throbbing in her veins. *bout last night-

*/mm.-

*Sorry; ); well-

*7or what-

*7or;-

*Shhhh,- Tiffany hissed and she flung an arm around Taeyeons waist. *'ets sleep.-

1 1 1

The ne#t time she woke up the headache was a little better but the dryness in her mouth was a

million times worse, the couch was cold and uncomfortable, and she was alone. She wandered into

the kitchen to drink water. She liked looking at all the magnets and pictures and notes 8essica andTiffany had collected on their refrigerator. She liked 8essica and Tiffanys apartment a lot. %hen the

lease on their old dorm had ended and theyd decided to move into their own apartments, Taeyeon

hadnt actually e#pected the two of them to move in together. She knew, of course, how close they

were, but they argued so often she hadnt e#pected it. They were a nice fit, though.

+yoyeon and 8uhyun moving in together had made less sense, even, although they had been

roommates at their old dorm. Taeyeon could never quite figure out how the two had managed to fit

together so well$ in a lot of ways they seemed like polar opposites. 8uhyun was straight"laced, neat,

meticulous, organized+yoyeon was none of that. 5et they fit together so well$ 8uhyun cleaned up

+yoyeons messes while +yoyeon forced the straight"laced magnae to be a bit more fle#ible, an

accomplishment the rest of the group had been attempting to achieve for years)Somehow, despitetheir differences, they were perfect as roommates.

Taeyeon supposed that, in a way, the trio of 5uri, Sooyoung, and 5oona were technically also

perfect as roommates, although she was loath to admit it. %hen they had announced that they would

be springing for a bigger apartment so that the three of them could live together, her initial response

had been, *)s it really safe to put so many stupid people under one roof- They were bad enough on

their own, but if you put any of them together you wound up with a chemical compound of so much

immature (ackassery it shouldve been illegalTaeyeon thought this lovingly, of course. Still, they

somehow worked as roommates, perhaps mostly because it wasbetter to confine their stupidity to

one place rather than scattering it about SeoulTaeyeon thought thislovingly, too, of course.

She and Sunkyu had considered moving in together but they both knew it wouldnt happen.

Bertainly Sunkyu was the member she confided in the most, the member she was incredibly close

to, and they had lived comfortably as roommates for many years, but Sunkyu knew better than most

people how much of a loner Taeyeon was. nd she had wanted to be with her family, who lived in

Seoul anyway. She had moved back home with them while Taeyeon had gone out of her way to get

a small apartment out of 3angnam, where the rest of the girls were livingit wasnt terrifically far,

(ust far enough to give her an e#cuse to decline invitations when she (ust wasnt in the mood for

socializing. )t was nothing against them$ it was (ust her nature. She preferred isolation and had

already lived many years surrounded by them.

There had been rumors on the internet, at the time, that there must have been rifts in 3irls

3enerations friendships if leader Taeyeon was living alone, but no one had ever understood 3irls


19/202

3eneration e#cept 3irls 3eneration.

The balcony door opened then and Tiffany came in from outside. She was showered and dressed but

now she smelled like cigarette smoke

*5ou better quit,- Taeyeon said. She leaned against the counter and drank water.

Tiffany smirked. *5eah, or youll do what-

frown settled on Taeyeons lips. She decided not to rise to the bait. *Bome on. ) thought you

quit.-

*) did,- she replied, *but ) started again while ) was in '.., and;-

*)ts bad for you, it smells, and were going to be working on our comeback, so your throat and

lungs need to be in e#cellent shape.-

*h, so this is an order from the team leader-

Taeyeon looked at her. *2o. )ts a request. 7rom your best friend.-

Tiffanys smile was beautiful. *ll right.-

*Thank you.-

Tiffany brushed past her to open up the refrigerator. She did smell like cigarette smoke but she also

smelled good, clean. )t stuck hard in Taeyeons throat and became difficult to swallow. She closed

her eyes. The ache in her head had dulled to a steady, humming throb. 9asier to ignore.

*:o you have somewhere to be- Tiffany sounded hesitant. *r can you stick around.-

She wanted very badly to lie to her best friend and make a hasty getaway. She could only handle so

much closeness for so long before the pro#imity began to drive her insane. 0ut it had been three

months. nd the earnestness in Tiffanys tone made her insides feel soft. Tiffany wanted her there.

She paused. *) dont have anywhere to be,- she said. *:o you want breakfast-

That smile again. +er entire body throbbed (ust looking at it. *5es, please.-

*kay,- Taeyeon said, looking in the refrigerator over Tiffanys shoulder. *) guess; )ll make you a

western"style breakfast or;-

Tiffanys hand wrapped securely around her elbow. She looked into Taeyeons eyes. *)ve been

eating western food for the last three months,- she admitted. *) kind of missed your &orean food.-

Taeyeon nodded, numb. *&imchi fried rice, it is.-

1 1 1

They stood at the counter and ate from the pan. :rinking water and eating made Taeyeons

headache slip through her skull and disappear. Things felt like old times, suddenly. They leanedagainst the counter and caught up, trading stories of what they had done over the past three months.

This space, where their words met and brushed against each other, the depths of Tiffanys rolling,


20/202


21/202

*+aving me-

*8essi told me you have a girlfriend.- Tiffany grinned but Taeyeon snorted, rolling her eyes back to

her work. She let the soap suds creep up her wrists.

*5ou know ) dont do relationships.-

*5eah, but 8essi said-

*8essica is too deep into her own relationship to be able to comprehend other peoples,- Taeyeon

retorted. She rinsed furiously. *) dont do relationships.-

Tiffany smirked. )t was maddening. *8essica seemed pretty certain that you were seeing one girl

more than any other girls.-

*That doesnt make it a relationship.-

She clapped her hands gleefully. *h my god, you areF-

Taeyeon shut off the water. 7or some reason a tension headache was building behind her ears. She

swallowed around the confusion in her throat and set the pan on the drying rack. Tiffany was still

smiling gleefully at her.

*So whats her name :o ) know her 8essi says shes the coordinator for Soo(ungs group.-

Taeyeon sighed. Tiffany was not going to give up.

*&ang +ye(in and ) dont know if you know her.-

*:id she ever work for us-

*%hy are you so nosy- +er eyes narrowed, partly in suspicion, but also in an attempt to ward off

the sharp pain of another headache.

*0ecauseF- she whined. She handed Taeyeon a towel to wipe her hands with. *5ou dating someone

is a big deal.-

*)m not dating her.-

*0ut you knew who ) was talking about when ) said you were dating someone, so you admit that

theres something unique about your relationship with her. )s she pretty-

*bviously shes pretty,- Taeyeon said stiffly.

*+ow old is she-

*ur age. %hy are you asking so many questions-

*) cant be e#cited that my best friend has a hot girlfriend-

*Shes not my girlfriend and who said shes hot-


22/202

Tiffany laughed outright. *%ell, if &im Sleeps"%ith"":ifferent"3irl"9very"2ight Taeyeon is

going back to the same girl over and over again she must be pretty hot.-

*5oure (ust as annoying as 8essica,- Taeyeon grumbled. +er ears felt hot. The headache clenched

around the base of her skull.

*Ban ) meet her-

Taeyeon was about to lose her temper. She knew that Tiffany probably realized this$ Tiffany knew

her better than anyone and knew her limits, her buttons, and how to push them. +er mounting

annoyance seemed to only bring Tiffany delight. The mostannoying thing was that Tiffany was so

annoyingly pretty when she was amused like this. )t staved off her anger temporarily.

*2o.-

*%hy not-

*:o ) have to introduce you to every girl ) sleep with-

*) dont think my brain has the capacity to deal with that many people,- Tiffany commented wryly,

*but if this ones your girlfriend, then yes, you have to introduce me.-

*She is not my girl.riend. ) see her sometimes. ) see a lot of people.-

*5eah, but do you see all of them more than once-

Taeyeon remained silent. Tiffany had a point, even if she didnt get it.

Tiffany clapped again. *h my god, this is so e#citing. )ve been waiting for you to settle down and

get a girlfriend.-

pause. Tiffanys enthusiasm made her feel queasy. *%hy- she asked softly, but she thought she

knew the answer.

*0ecause. 5oure my best friend. nd ) want you to find someone who will make you happy.-

r, thought Taeyeon as she studied Tiffanys face silently, impassively, you want me to get over you

so that you can stop feeling guilty all the time. 5ou want me to find someone else, so ) can forgetabout you, and you can stop pitying me, worrying about me, fearing me.

She released a sigh that stuck in her lungs a bit, forgetting to relieve her of any of the pressure that

had built up. *)m gonna go.-

Tiffany walked her to the door. *:ont forget about dinner.-

*:inner-

*5ou promised to have dinner with me tonight.-

*) did-


23/202

*5eah, you promised last night.-

Taeyeon slipped into her shoes, grumbling. *5ou took advantage of me while ) was drunk-

*5ou wish,- Tiffany shot back, eyebrows raised. Taeyeon coughed quietly, embarrassed. *There are

worse things than having dinner with me,- she reminded Taeyeon teasingly.

*5eah- Taeyeon checked the time on her phone and then shoved it in her back pocket. *)ll try to

think of some. 3ive me a call when youre ready.-

Tiffany smoothed Taeyeons hair across her forehead and tucked it behind her ear. %ordlessly, she

closed the door. utside it was cold as hell but Taeyeons skin was burning. )t had burned for more

than ten years now.

1 1 1

chapter four

(2004)

'ater, &im Taeyeon will attempt to romanticize it and call it love at first sight. )ts not conscious

dissimulation$ its the frivolous imaginings of a mind streaked with teenage love. 'ater, she can

only recall the feeling in her stomach, the butterflies that burst into busy activity and then settle

down (ust as quickly as they come. 'ater, she will fantasize that there were sparks when they first

touched, when Stephanie +wangs tan, warm hand grabbed hers and she shook it enthusiastically.

She will fantasize that the world fell away and there was (ust the two of them and that she was

fifteen years old and in love.

!resently, though, her first thought is that Stephanie +wang is too fat and hopes that shes fatterthan her, Taeyeon, who felt the fattest of all the trainees. )t is the sort of teenage insecurity that has

come crashing down around her shoulders without warning$ back in 8eon(u, it didnt feel this way.

!eople in Seoul are thin, beautiful, talented. t least she thinks so.

She thinks, with frustration, that the companys lack of organization is probably intentional, to (erk

them around, to keep them in their place. She has been with S/ 9ntertainment for barely four

months and already she feels (aded, cynical. She has (umped through numerous hoops and all she

wants is to sing. She thinks this quietly, staring into the dark pools of Stephanies eyes. The only

indication shes received that she will have a new roommate is another one of the girls in the dorm,

earlier that morning, saying there had been a message on the machine that another trainee would be

(oining them in the hostel and that they should make room. Taeyeons room is the only one stillunfilled$ the hostel is full to brimming now, sevennow eightgirls of various ages all under one

roof, sevennow eightgirls with nearly identical schedules, sevennow eightgirls with the

same industrious rawness in their eyes, e#haustion in their bones, tension in their muscles.

The other trainee, whose name Taeyeon still hasnt memorized, because she isnt in the same

practice group as Taeyeon and there are too many names to learn anyway, had told her to make

room for the new girl and she had, moderately. She has little in the way of possessions, truthfully,

and feels barely moved in herself.

%hen she comes back from practice that night, sore and aching, the tan girl with dyed blonde hair is

in her room, looking at the framed pictures of Taeyeons family on the wardrobe. Taeyeon sets herbackpack down on the floor with a thud and the girl turns. She is chubby. +er eyes disappear

completely and her smile is bright, magnetic, and Taeyeon feels herself smiling back unconsciously


24/202

as the girl dips down in a low bow.

*+elloF- she greets e#citedly and with one word Taeyeon can tell shes a foreigner, the merican

accent in even her greeting unmistakeable. *5ou must be &im Taeyeon.-

She bows as well. *5eah.-

Taeyeon is not shy, although many take her to be so$ she suspects Stephanie +wang thinks so too

when she doesnt ask for her name, but its not in Taeyeons nature to prod answers out of people if

they dont give it up in the first place.

The bright smile falters, but only slightly. *)m Stephanie. +wang. Stephanie. )m from Balifornia.-

*2ice to meet you.- She smiles but it hurts her cheeks. She looks down.

Stephanie looks at her e#pectantly.

*)m going to shower,- Taeyeon says, and the communication is broken.

She showers. %hen she comes out, Stephanie showers, and Taeyeon does homework in the

meantime. She is in bed, lights out, before Stephanie finishes her shower. )n the morning, she leaves

for school before Stephanie is awake. They spend the ne#t week seeing each other seldom, if at all.

They only share the large dance class together at S/. t home they eat separately, do homework

separately. )t is a vague, tiring routine.

She thinks, often, that Stephanie is very pretty, but she thinks many people are pretty, and the

thoughts are drowned out by thoughts of school, training, school, training, school, training, losing

weight, mom, dad, oppa, +ayeon, the crushing loneliness. There is too much. +er mind feels

compacted. %hen the thoughts of Stephanie come, sometimes forcefully, demanding, she pushes

them out and resolves to think about them tomorrow.

%hat shes avoiding thoughts of, really, she doesnt know. She (ust knows it feels better if she

doesnt think about it.

1 1 1

*Taeyeon sshi. re you done-

)ts the weekend. Taeyeon is eating. Stephanie is doing the sink full of dishes left behind by their

various roommates.

Taeyeon looks down at her bowl. */mm.- She holds it tight in her hand as Stephanie attempts to

take it from her.

*)ll do it,- Stephanie says kindly. +er speech is funny. )ts not even that the pronunciation is poor

although it isbut that she says everything with such a short tongue. )ts cute.

*2o,- Taeyeon says. She stands. *%hy did you do this whole sink full of dishes 5ou shouldve left

them to be cleaned up by whoever dirtied them.-

*) (ust want to be useful.-

Taeyeon frowns. *5ou have (ust as much use as anyone else,- she says stonily, rinsing her bowl.


25/202

This is as complicated and lengthy as their conversations get. She feels like Stephanie walks on

eggshells around her. She has taken more quickly to the other roommates, the other trainees.

Stephanie is about to leave, so Taeyeon says, *Stephanie sshi.-

Stephanie stops. lready she is becoming paler, thinks Taeyeon, and shes only been out of

Balifornia for a few weeks now. )snt that funny.

*%hat year were you born-

*G. 5ou-

Taeyeon smiles. *h. %ere the same age.-

Stephanies eyes widen. Taeyeon cant help but bristle at the surprise, but shes used to it. She is

growing slowly, but theres still time$ shes only fifteen.

*4eally- Stephanie says e#citedly. *'ets be friends, then.-

*kay.-

*kay, Taeyeon"ah-

)t sounds cute from her, somehow, and Taeyeon looks down busily into the soap suds spilling out of

her bowl. *5"yes; Stephanie;yah;-

Stephanie giggles. This is cute, too. Taeyeons cheeks feel very warm.

*Since were friends, )ll teach you how to say my name, okay Ste"pha"nie. kay-

She nods numbly, not daring to repeat it back. She knows she will get it wrong. The 7 sound is

difficult on its own, never mind adding (unk before and after it. 0ut Stephanie is looking at her

e#pectantly, so she mumbles out the name quickly, hoping that itll suffice.

Stephanie shakes her head and repeats6 *Ste"pha"nie-

*)ts too long,- Taeyeon says hotly. She sets the bowl on the drying rack. *%hats your &orean

name-

2ow Stephanie blushes. The pink against the tan of her cheeks is oddly mesmerizing. Shes pretty,

Taeyeon thinks and then thinks it again before she can make herself un"think it. Shes pretty.

*2ot telling,- Stephanie says.

*%ell-

She tries to brush past Stephanie out the door but Stephanie moves her body forward, swings into

Taeyeons personal space, and there is little she can do to stop herself from bumping bodily into

Stephanie. +er body feels warm. She is radiating warmth. Taeyeons ears feel hot. +er throat closes

up.

*+ow about this- Stephanie is too close. +er voice is very loud, rough. 5et melodic. Taeyeon feels


26/202

like she cant breathe. *+ow about (ust the last two syllables. !ha"nie. 7fffff. 7any.-

*!any,- Taeyeon attempts and the smile Stephanie bestows on her is so beautiful she has to step

backward.

*Blose enough,- Stephanie says.

1 1 1

few nights later she watches from her bed, in the dimness of the dark moonlit bedroom, as

Stephanie comes out of the shower, wrapped in a towel. She is unable to sleep that night. She thinks

its probably the moonlight, which can make anything look beautiful, irresistible. She thinks it

might (ust be that the curve where shoulder meets neck might be beautiful on anyone, and she

theorizes that there is nothing abnormal in thinking girls are beautiful, since doesnt it seem as

though girls were made to be beautiful )ts a resolution she has contented herself with many times

in the past$ it was fine to notice how pretty girls were because that was the point of girls. They were

pretty. To notice that much wasnt weird$ it was normal.

)t doesnt help her go to sleep but it helps her through the ne#t week, when Stephanie is near andher skin looks smooth and sweet and her hair smells nice. )t is not the first time she has felt this way

about a girl, but its certainly the most powerful.

1 1 1

)ts when they have grown used to each other that Stephanie is transferred into her trainee group, the

sprawling cavalcade of girls unlovingly dubbed E3irl 3roup. 7or the first time, they spend the

entirety of their practice together and leave at the same time. She waits with something approaching

impatience as Stephanie says goodbye to everyone, because Stephanie is that kind of a person.

They head to the subway together.

*%here are we going- Stephanie asks.

*Subway.-

*%hy-

Taeyeon blinks at her. *To get home.-

*hF- Stephanies eyes are wide like a puppys. *5ou can take the subway home-

*f course.- Taeyeon frowns. *+ow have you been getting home-

*Bab.-

*"hat,- Taeyeon snaps and feels bad when Stephanie recoils at the sharpness of her tone. *Thats

such a waste of money, 7any.-

Stephanie scratches the back of her neck in a clumsy, an#ious gesture that makes Taeyeons

stomach feel strange, fluttery. *) didnt know how to use the subway, so;-

*h man.- Taeyeon sighs. *Thats; you shouldve said something;-

She teaches Stephanie how to use the subway system and her ears become red and stay red because

Stephanie is so impressed with her knowledge. She doesnt want to admit that she really only


27/202

learned how to ride the subway a few months ago herself, because shes a country kid, and no, she

isnt cool, theres really nothing cool about her, but Stephanie keeps smiling and poking her arm and

the truth is, she begins to feel sort of cool.

They decide to get dinner together. Taeyeon counts the money in her pocket with her fingers,

searching the streets for a place she thinks Stephanie would like. She knows Stephanie and Sooyeon

eat western food a lot. %estern food never treats Taeyeons stomach well, and its e#pensive, but hereyes seek out western restaurants anyway.

*+ow about here- Stephanie takes her elbow and gestures and it is a long moment before

Taeyeons eyes can focus on anything e#cept Stephanies warm hand wrapped around her elbow.

%hen she looks up, she sees that theyre at a noodle stand.

*+ere re you sure-

*5eah, why not )ts late and noodles are cheap;-

*) figured youd want western food.-

Stephanie shrugs. She waves her hands around frantically in the way that she does when her &orean

is failing her in an attempt to e#plain. They order noodles. The a(umma gives them a lot because

theyre the only customers and she says they look skinny. )t makes them laugh because it isnt

something they hear often, not while training. Taeyeons eagerness to pay for both of them

somehow results in a skirmish$ she is unable to think straight, batting away Stephanies outstretched

hand with half the money in it.

The way Stephanie eats noodles is cute. Slurp once, slurp twice, big gulp of water. +er cheeks

become round and her eyes disappear. +er mouth is mesmerizing.

Taeyeon dislikes the feeling mostly because she likes it too much.

*Taeyeon"ah,- mumbles Stephanie in her terrible &orean$ she touches Taeyeons cheek with one

finger and Taeyeon has trouble swallowing. ir becomes stuck in her throat.

*+mm.-

*)m glad were in the same trainee group now.- +er eyes disappear. 9ven though her mouth is

covered by the bowl shes lifted to her mouth, Taeyeon knows she is smiling. She has memorized

Stephanies smile. She can even see it when she closes her eyes.

*/e too.-

*9ven if one of us gets cycled out, or we dont debut together, oreveneven if one of us doesnt

debut; 'ets stick together, okay-

Taeyeon is surprised to feel how quickly her own mouth turns up into a smile. *kay.-

*:eal, okay-

Stephanie sticks out her pinkie. Something inside Taeyeon tells her that if she goes ahead with this,she will never be able to look back. She hooks her pinkie around Stephanies, touches their thumbs

together, and falls head over heels.


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*:eal.-

1 1 1

present

(2015)

*+ey, whered you go-

+ye(in blinked up at her with sleepy concern. Taeyeon snapped her eyes back into focus$ her mind

had wandered, as her mind was fond of doing. She smiled briefly, propping herself up on her

elbows as she looked down into +ye(ins eyes.

*h, ) was (ust trying to gather my strength up for round three,- she said with a grin.

*Technically round four.- +ye(in stretched beneath her, her soft skin pressed against her own. *5ou

(ust spaced out suddenly.-

*Sorry.- Taeyeon leaned down and kissed her, first on the forehead and then on the lips, briefly.

*Sorry. lot on my mind.-

*'ike- +ye(ins arms came around her waist, pulling her closer. This was their push"and"pull,

always. Taeyeon wanted se#. +ye(in wanted intimacy. 9very encounter was a battle to reconcile the

two.

*2ew album. 5ou know. %ork.-

+ye(in tilted her head up for another kiss. *nd-

Taeyeon lifted one shoulder casually. *8ust work.- She could see +ye(in wanting to ask more and

pressed a kiss above her brow, sighing. She slipped her hand between them, hoping to distract her.

Successful, she coa#ed +ye(in into round four and released a sigh from deep within her chest. )t felt

warm between the sheets and she rolled off of the girl beneath her, stretching out on her back and

bringing one of the sheets with her, wrapping it around her front for modesty while it stuck

inelegantly to her skin. She had come straight over to +ye(ins apartment after leaving Tiffanys$ her

skin, muscles had felt crackling, like they were on edge.

+ye(in was used to her coming over in that condition, raw and disoriented with the force of her own

feelings. +ye(in was a depository for the emotions she fought most seconds of most days to keep at

bay. )t was in this condition that she had made love to +ye(in against a wall, on a table, in the

shower, once right against the door outside +ye(ins apartment where anyone couldve seen them.

4ela#ation was not something Taeyeon knew how to come by honestly.

She felt fingers stroking her hair and e#haled again, leaning into +ye(ins touch.

*Talk to me about it,- +ye(in said.

Taeyeon bit back a sharp retort. lthough she had been seeing +ye(in regularly for a few months

now, it was true that the other girl did not know her very well. Their relationship was mostlyphysical, and Taeyeon did her best to keep it (ust that. )t was for that reason that she tried to bury

her annoyance at being coerced with the phrase she liked leasttalk to me about it) +ye(in had no


29/202

way of knowing how annoyed that sort of prodding made her feel.

She remained silent, releasing an impatient, long"suffering sigh that she hoped conveyed that she

had no plan on replying. +ye(in continued stroking her hair.

*) heard from Soo(ung that Tiffany is back in Seoul,- +ye(in admitted and Taeyeon glanced at her.

frown set deep into her features.

She paused. */mm.-

*)s that why-

*Soo(ung has a big mouth,- Taeyeon commented lightly.

*+ow are you;- She seemed to gather from Taeyeons e#pression that this was a bad question to

ask. *) (ust mean-

*Shes my best friend.- Taeyeon rolled her eyes. *So obviously its good to have her back. )s thatwhat youre asking-

*5ou know thats not what )m asking.-

*Then ) have no idea what youre asking.-

*Taeyeon.-

She put a hand up to her forehead. There was a headache forming there, and behind her eyes. She

brushed +ye(ins hands away from her hairfirst, hastily, and then feeling apologetic, she laced

their fingers together.

*) dont want to talk about it,- she said at last and closed her eyes. She heard +ye(in sigh and felt

her move awayif not physically, then emotionally. That was what Taeyeon wanted. She liked to

picture herself encased in heavy armor. !eople like +ye(in kept trying to get in, but they were

wrong to do so. The armor was impassable.

*) know that youre not my girlfriend,- +ye(in said softly. The room was so quiet and still$ her

voice was barely a whisper but it practically echoed in the silent room. *0ut ) still care about you.-

Taeyeon snorted. She hadnt meant it derisively, really$ it was a sweet sentiment. There was avibrating sound from the nightstand and she opened her eyes to see +ye(in reach over and pluck

Taeyeons phone from the mess on the surface.

She glanced at it before handing it over. +er tone was strange. *)m guessing this is Tiffany.-

The name on the screen was the one she had always programmed her best friend in as6 1e##euni

Hwang ?

Taeyeon cleared her throat, embarrassed. 7rom this angle, even things she thought of as casual (okes

between her and her best friend had an almost sinister, embarrassingly telling slant to them.

*)ts a nickname,- she e#plained half"heartedly before answering the phone. *+ello-


30/202

*TaeTaeH- Tiffanys cheerful voice blared out at a decibel best heard from at least a foot away,

which was how far Taeyeon yanked the phone from her ear at the first sound of it. Tiffany had

somehow never understood that phones had microphones and therefore there was no reason to yell

into them.

*5es- Taeyeon tried for a pleasant tone but wondered, under +ye(ins watchful gaze, if it wasnt

toopleasant.

*)m hungry,- Tiffany called teasingly. *Bome meet me at that place in +ongdae, okay-

*)+ongdae- Taeyeon groaned. 3etting across the city around dinnertime was going to be a

nightmare. *Bant you come to-

*)m waitingF- Tiffany interrupted. *See you soon, love you, byeF-

Taeyeon e#haled, hanging up the phone. She dared not meet +ye(ins eyes.

*'eaving- +ye(in said softly, casually.

*/mm.- She climbed out of bed, dressing. *)m sorry. )ll make it up to you.- She leaned over the

bed to kiss her briefly. +ye(in rolled her eyes.

*)m not your girlfriend,- +ye(in reminded her. *5ou dont need to make it up to me.-

Taeyeon knew it was true but somehow she still felt reprimanded.

1 1 1

chapter five

)t was easy to get a good table, even at restaurants in +ongdae, when you were two popular

members of the nations most beloved girl group$ they usually got the same table every time they

came here. )t had been awhile, but the small square table shoved tightly in the corner still felt warm

and familiar to her. )t was almost too hot in the crowded barbecue restaurant, but even that had a

pressing and comfortable familiarity to her. She grilled the chadolbaegi because Tiffany was terrible

at it and Tiffany refilled the so(u.

There were times like this, when things were familiar and there was good food and so(u and it was

(ust &im Taeyeon and her best friend. )t wasnt painful, it didnt make her heart ache. There weretimes like this when she thought she might never be truly happy, but that shed probably always

have her best friend, in some fashion. That was a comfort.

*0allad to dance song ratio,- Tiffany prompted. They were discussing the new album.

*)ve written a lot of ballads in the last year,- Taeyeon said thoughtfully, *so )m thinking of (ust

shoving them all onto this album.-

*h, (ust unloading them on us, huh.-

*5eah, something like that.-

*rent those songs for your solo album- Tiffany picked a piece of meat off the grill and chewed it


31/202

delicately.

*/mm.- Taeyeon shrugged, draining the rest of her so(u. She waited for Tiffany to finish hers

before re"filling them both. *'ike )ll ever finish that.-

*5ou seemed so e#cited about it a few months ago,- Tiffany pointed out.

Taeyeon rela#ed, shrugging. She leaned back against the wall. Shed always taken the seat against

the wall so she could people"watch or keep an eye out for fans. )t was the familiar gesture of

routine. She chewed thoughtfully. *%ell, )m still e#cited about it. ) mean, its music, )ll always be

e#cited about music. ) (ustwhen things dont come together the way you want them to, its

frustrating.-

Tiffany lifted one shoulder casually. *) guess thats true.-

*nyway, with nine people working on them, maybe itll work out the way ) want it.-

Tiffany squinted at her and then raised her shot glass. *This is going to sound cheesy, but-

*%hat else is new.-

*its kind of symbolic of life.-

*5eah-

*5eah. ) keep thinking that, you know. %hatever it is ) want or need, )m sure itll happen, since its

the nine of us.-

Taeyeon shook her head, hiding a smile. *Bheesy +wang.-

*h my god, whatever. 5ou totally feel the same.-

*5eah,- Taeyeon acknowledged, glancing away from her as she downed another shot. *0ut you

wont catch me admitting it.-

*5ou dont have to say it to them.- Tiffany looked at her softly. *0ut you can always say it to me. )

know all your secrets, &im Taeyeon.-

She caught Tiffanys gaze and held it. )t felt warm, (ust like the restaurant. *ll of them, huh.-

*5eah.-

%hen drinking with Tiffany, whose liver was made of some indestructible solid metal, it was easy

to go through two bottles of so(u. Taeyeon was not quite the lightweight she had been when she had

first started drinking with Tiffany, but after they opened the third bottle, she was feeling a little

light"headed. She knew if she stood up she would feel as drunk as she was, so she stayed seated,

curling her legs around the table legs, and ordered more meat to help reduce the effect of drinking.

*Thanks for having dinner with me, by the way,- Tiffany said.

*'ike ) had any choice in the matter.-


32/202

*Ban you believe ) havent had a single meal with 8essica since ) got back The party last night was

the only time )ve hung with her, shes with unni-

*9very second,- Taeyeon finished, rolling her eyes. *Theyre (oined at the hip these days.-

*) mean )m happy that theyve gotten so serious,- Tiffany admitted. *0ecause theyve been dating

forever but it never seemed serious.-

*) feel like 8essica always wanted it to seem less serious than it was,- Taeyeon said thoughtfully.

*%hy )n case it didnt work out- Tiffany asked. Taeyeon pursed her lips. Tiffany nibbled the end

of her chopstick in thought. *:id you ever feel like that-

Taeyeon hummed vaguely. *2o,- she lied.

)f Tiffany realized she was lying, she didnt let on. She poured them more so(u in silence.

*%hats going on with everyone else-

The liquor was making her candid, so she freely gossiped in ways she did not ordinarilywhich

she knew was likely Tiffanys intention in getting her to come to dinner and get drunk with her.

Tiffany liked gossip. She liked knowing every little thing about the girls, weaving tidbits of

information around them like rope so she could tie them together, draw them near. Taeyeon admired

her for it. She knew the nine of them hadnt stayed together this long through idleness and inaction$

she also knew she, Taeyeon, was not capable of the same earnestness and determination.

So she talked, because Tiffany was a lifeline, and she would do everything in her power to keep

them together. She talked. She talked about +yoyeons relationship, how there had been a brief

flare"up when theyd been photographed together, but that the company had managed to hush it up.

*8uhyunnies album did, of course, really well.-

*f course,- Tiffany murmured, content. *) feel bad about missing that.-

Taeyeon shrugged. *She did great, you know she promoted it like a pro.-

8uhyuns solo efforts had pretty much solidified, for her, that she personally was not ready for a solo

effort. 2ot a serious one. )t seemed like it should be simple, especially when all she cared about,

really, was making her own music, putting some sort of finished product on a shelf, being on stage,but something had held her back that didnt e#ist with 8uhyun. 8uhyun had no unfinished business,

she thought. 8uhyuns loyalty to the group had never been called into question. %as that it She

couldnt quite put it into words yet. She owed the other eight members a lot, and it wasnt

something she could understand, could only feel heavy in her heart.

She moved on briskly, telling Tiffany about Sooyoungs work on her radio show, 5oonas recent

wrap on production of her film, Sunkyus various /B positions.

*She loves it so much more than ) ever e#pected her to,- she commented. *nd 5uri, too. 0ut she

and ) write music a lot together and ) think thats a thing; ) think its a thing she needs to keep

doing. ) think shes really good.-

*nd you-


33/202

Taeyeon frowned. *) guess )m good at it, too, ) (ust mostly do it because ) need to.-

Tiffany smiled, showing those sweet curved eyes. Taeyeon sighed, unconsciously. *) meant. %hats

up with you. Since neither of us called while ) was gone, like the (erks we are.-

She smiled weakly. *2othing new.-

Tiffany bit her lip. *2othing-

Taeyeon shrugged. *4eally. 2othing has changed with me since you left. )m a little skinnier.-

*5eah, its gross,- Tiffany pointed out, heaping more meat on Taeyeons plate and pushing some of

the side dishes on her side of the table closer to Taeyeons side. *0ut ) mean, theres got to be

something.- Taeyeon shrugged, shaking her head. She had spent three months feeling empty and

needyand guilty for feeling so. *%hat about +ye(in-

There was a throbbing right behind Taeyeons ear. She sighed. *%hat about her-

*)s it serious-

**o,- Taeyeon said, for what seemed like the thousandth time. *'ike ) said, theres nothing serious

about it.-

*)f theres nothing serious about it, why are you seeing her so often ) mean, otherwise, you dont

tend to sleep with the same girl more than once.-

*7irst of all, thats not really true,- Taeyeon muttered. )t wasnt. )t was some sort of invented

misconstruction the girls had developed about her. 8ust because they never saw her with the same

girl more than once didnt mean it was true.

*kay, but you clearly see her more than anyone else. %hy-

*/aybe because she doesnt ask me so many annoying questions, like some people.- She tried to

keep her e#pression casual, rela#ed, but the tightness of her tone betrayed her.

Tiffany sighed. They were finishing the third bottle. *) (ust want you to be happy, baby.-

*) amhappy,- she lied, again.

*) want you to be happy withsomeone.- They shared a long, agonizingly inscrutable look. *%hy

cant you (ust make this a real relationship-

*0ecause ) dont do relationships,- Taeyeon said bluntly, and with a note of finality. The liquor was

making her blood boil somehow. *%hat about you,- she retorted. *+ave you seen anyone lately-

Tiffany didnt hesitate. *) was seeing someone, in '..- Taeyeon was taken aback by her speedy

candidness. *0ut it didnt work out. bviously. 0ut )m open to a relationship.-

*%ell.- Taeyeon drained the last of her shot, feeling like shed been punched in the stomach. *5ouand ) are different. %e always have been.-


34/202

Tiffany looked at her for a long moment. Taeyeon tried to meet her gaze but was seized with a

vague sense of fear that forced her to avert her eyes.

*%ere not that different,- Tiffany said at last.

*)m not sure what you mean.-

*Thats because youre drunk.- +er tone was light, flippant, but the way she looked at Taeyeon was

impenetrable.

*)m not that drunk. ) dont need to be drunk to find you confusing. 5oure always confusing.-

*Imconfusing- Tiffany shot back, eyebrows raised. Taeyeons heart fell a little$ getting Tiffany

angry was never a good idea. +er best friend was probably one of the most genuinely kind and

warm"hearted people alive @although, admittedly, Taeyeon was a bit biasedA but her temper was no

(oke. She was Taeyeons polar opposite in many ways, and this was probably the most salient$ for

all the intensity that Taeyeon bottled her feelings, Tiffany regularly e#ploded with hers at the e#act

same intensity.

Taeyeon studied her plate pensively and then with careful deliberation admitted, *5eah. 5ou

confuse me. 5oure confusing.-

*nd youre selfish.-

Taeyeons eyes widened. *%hat-

Tiffany shook her head and looked away. There was a loud burst of laughter from the table closest

to them. Taeyeon gripped the table, trying not to get upset.

*%hat do you-

*5ou really only think of yourself, dont you. ) mean, you dont think about me at all, do you-

8ust the idea of it made Taeyeon laugh bitterly. She had no idea, did she, of how often Taeyeon

thought about her. *5oure all) think about,- she said tightly$ she wasnt sure if it was the alcohol

or her swift

endless season 1-20

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