energetic codependency: break free from the toxic energies that hijack authenticity

7/30/2019 Energetic Codependency: Break Free From the Toxic Energies that Hijack Authenticity

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2012 Elisa RomeoAll Rights Reserved.

Cover Design: Jennifer Wasson

http://www.wassondesign.com/

Author Photo Credit: Heather B. Allison Photography

http://heatherballisonphotography.com

(Names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy.)


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Howto Use tHis Book

This book wants to get dogearred and dirty. It longs to be printed, hole-punched and

stuck into a 3-ring binder. Take it to a cafe, eat it with mufns, spill some hot chocolate

on the corners. In other words, use it, abuse it, make it yours.

You can read the content on your computer or ereader. You might need to sit with it fora while or you might decide to not print any of it, ever. You might want to print it right

away. You can also choose to peruse the index in the back, of exercises and worksheets,

and print only the ones you want.

My intention is for this book to be as much an electronic download as an energetic one.

My hope is that it helps clarify and remind you of your energetic nature and reality. Print

it out, write in the margins and leave it next to your bed for an energetic reminder. But I

promise you that whatever way it works for you is the way it works best.

Lifting the veil does not have to be heavy lifting. Lets take a peek together.

-Elisa


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Contents

introdUCtion 6

CodependenCy 16

yoU Are energy 21

energetiC CodependenCy 57

Howdoes tHis HAppen? 77

wHy is it importAnt? 96

energetiC self-CAre 102

tHe tAke AwAy 112

BiBliogrApHy 118

resoUrCes 119

glossAryof words & pHrAses 123

ACknowledgments 127


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Most people are other people. Their thoughts aresomeone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their

passions a quotation.

O W

v

All natures, all formed things, all creatures exist in and

with one another and will again be resolved into their

own roots, because the nature of matter is dissolved into

the roots of its nature alone. He who has ears to hear, let

him hear.

T G M M

v

Youre codependent for sure if, when you die, someone

elses life lashes in front of your eyes.

A


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introdUCtion

As a therapist, Ive counseled addicts and families as they struggle to escape the

hell that results from active addiction. As an intuitive and energy worker, Ive helped

individuals strive to free themselves from guilt, to follow their souls calling and to remain

strong around other peoples energetic inluence in their lives.The therapeutic community generally resists acknowledging an energetic-based

reality. In response, many skilled practitioners feel the need to minimize their claim to

this essential knowledge. My life has been an active study and experiment towards the

marriage of these two parts of myself: energetic awareness and psychological self-inquiry.

There are many amazing therapists who simultaneously infuse their practice with a

grounded understanding of mental health as well as an engagement with subtle energies.

What I look for in a practitioner, or when reading a text on the subject, is an intuitive sense

of both.

A therapy is impotent when it has divorced itself from engagement with the

energetic realities that are alive and active in the therapeutic room. An energy practitioner

who is unaware of the psychological dynamics at play in their life, or in the lives of their

clients, is not only ungrounded but potentially dangerous.

I am holding a space for us to claim ownership of the marriage between these two

previously disparate realities. Only with clear and simple acknowledgment can we begin to

build an accountable community and shift our culture towards the question, What heals?

This work is the result of wanting to know, very deeply, my answer to this question.

If you are interested in answering this yourself and are willing to be dogged in your pursuit,

you have found the right book. These exercises have the power to heal and transform your

life.

This workbook is not a straightforward approach to working on codependency

issues. If you are living with an addict or suffer from active addiction, you can ind manyrecommendations for further reading in the Resources section of this book. If you are

unfamiliar with the topic of codependency, I encourage you to familiarize yourself with the

term using those sources. And if you struggle with codependency in your life, I recommend

inding a CODA (Codependents Anonymous) meeting to attend in your area.

While the information in this book can help recovering codependents, it is wise to

irstget a grasp on how codependency directly affects your material life before examining it

from the energetic perspective. While codependents are also energetic codependents, not

all energetic codependents will match the characteristics, or the more narrow deinition, of

codependency. In other words, they are related but also very different.

InvIsIbles

The energetic world that inluences our reality. It is not manifested as

physical matter or seen with our physical eyes.


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I have often wished I could refer my clients to a book that truly deines energetic

codependency. When working on these topics I found much written on codependency and

energy work, but almost nothing on the topic of energetic codependency. I termed the

phrase energetic codependency when I noticed the overlap of my energetic work and my

therapeutic work. Its wonderful there is so much material that details working with subtle

energies. But none of these speciically focus on how we lose power in relationships on anenergetic level. I want this book to address the intersection of where energetic hygiene and

psychological boundaries meet.

My paramount concern is that which is most healing, eficient and practical. I have

developed these tools while working with many clients over the years and have found

them to be extremely useful when dealing with the complex energetics of relationship

codependency.

My aim is to provide an overview of the ways we lose our authentic power.

No person or entity can invade your energetic space if there is not permission, even

unconsciously, to do so. It takes honest self-inquiry to get clear about how we are leaking

our power and opening our boundaries to predatory energies. Particularly if these leaks

are outside of ego awareness and understanding, it is important to go inward and create agrounded space from which to explore.

We are all energy workers. By nature, we engage and manage our individual energy

systems and interact with the energy of others all day, every day. Most people do this

unconsciously. But my hope is that this book will turn the unconscious energy worker into

the conscious energy worker, awakening everyone to the very real world of the invisibles

that exists around us. I want you to claim and live your authentic life; the world needs you

and your gifts. My goal is for this book to assist you in getting the valuable information you

need. And the best part is, this information exists in the energy all around you, available the

moment you call upon it.

As you read this book and awaken to the energetic world that surrounds us, you

may have an emotional reaction. Ive had clients tell me they felt angry or sad they werent

raised in a family that was supportive of inquiry. Sometimes they feel extreme urgency

to comprehend it all right away. Know that this is a process of raising consciousness and

although you can immediately put the tools into practice, it may take time for lifestyle shifts

and regular awareness. Reframing your life experiences can be tricky. Take it slow and go

easy on yourself.

My clients tell me this work feels like coming out of a fog. Sometimes we are

disgusted as we become clear on what energetic realities have been at play in our lives.

We may be shocked to discover that one of our oldest friends has been energetically

sucking us dry. These types of discoveries can be uncomfortable. There is often a sense of

responsibility and urgency, now this has been brought to attention, what should I do aboutit?

You can make changes immediately, or give yourself time to sit with the new

information. You may need time to let it percolate and come to a new engagement with

the issue in an organic way. Remember, you have been an energy worker your whole life,

managing energies and taking care of yourself. Now you are being given an opportunity to

take even better care of yourself, to love yourself and the world a bit more clearly.

This work often feels as though youve been thrust into the bright light of the sun


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after a long period in the dark. Here we are together, squinting at the sky on a bright sunny

day. The natural reaction is to shield your eyes. But theyll adjust before you know it, and

in the meantime dont be afraid to put on a hat and some sunglasses.

Together we are going to walk through this journey step-by-step. We are going to

deine codependency, explain the nature of energetic reality, examine the truth of energetic

codependency and practice the tools of energetic self-care. If you read this book andengage with even half of the included exercises, I guarantee you will come away feeling

clearer, centered and empowered. Lets get started!

my story

I have a secret, one Ive slowly revealed in the last ive years: I am a human

biofeedback machine. But instead of picking up on your heartbeat or the temperature of

your ingertips, I can tell if you are speaking from your Soul or not.

My professional background and my academic degree are in counseling therapy.So I am keenly aware of how inlated I sound right now. I also know the word truth is

supercharged. I was raised as a Unitarian, for Chrissake. I cringe at dogma. I run from

fundamentalism. If anything, I daily overcompensate in the other direction, sometimes

allowing too much coddling as a result of wanting you to ind your own way. There is not

one truth. There is your truth and there is my truth. And both can be simultaneously true.

Im not an authority on your Soul. But Ive had some unique experiences. And

through them Ive learned that every time I try to shirk my Soul Path, the cosmos kicks my

You MaY Feel

Excited: That there is a whole community of people who understand

and can support you on your journey to break the chains of

energetic codependency.

Disappointed: Wondering where you would be in life if you were

taught this earlier and were supported in your energetic reality.

Angry: That you were not raised in an environment that supported an

energetic reality and taught you these skills.

Overwhelmed: By the amount of information and potential implica-

tions it has for your life.

Hopeful: That you can free yourself, feel better and move into a more

empowered life of authenticity.


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ass. Basically, I got my ass kicked enough times I had no choice but to fully surrender to my

path. And if you havent guessed by now, my path is to assist you in surrendering to yours.

I learned at some point along the way that it isnt inlated to claim my intuitive

abilities, but that it is actually egocentric to denywhat I am. It is inlated to assume I know

better than my Soul what I am here to do. The universe wants me to work in this way and

so whether I like it or not, whether I am comfortable with it or not (often not!) this is my

mission. Its no joke that I am probably the most skeptical psychic on the planet.

Ive learned that this work is not about my ego. Its not even really personal. Of

course, when someone gives me a compliment from a very deep space, Im joyous for the

newfound connection. But I dont feel I had much to do with it. Im just the translator.

Im here to serve the Divine, and when I help someone discover what they are here to serve,

nothing is more thrilling.

I am most proud of how Ive learned to trust and follow my Souls marching orders.

Ultimately, for me, it is easier to surrender. Otherwise life just keeps slamming me in the

face.

A confession: I am terrible with numbers, very disorganized and am easily stressed.

I forget to drink water, sometimes anxiously interrupt people the list goes on. And yet,

I make an excellent soul feedback machine. I can watch you speak and see your ifth and

sixth chakras responding. I watch them light up and see the energy align with your spinal

column. I can feel in my body when you are speaking from your Soul Self or letting your

fear gremlins take control.

My little secret has leaked out through friendsand friends of friendsand now I

work with clients all over the world. They call me to help them through dificult issues, tomake important decisions and to help them get clarity on their relationships. Sometimes

they want to know whether they should follow their dreams.

People think they are calling me because they have a work issue. Or insomnia. Or

are ighting with their partner. But most people are truly just hungry for Soul Orientation

starving for itand their soul has energetically recognized how I can help. One of my

clients recently told me, I carried your business card around in my wallet for two years. I

was terriied and excited to call. Part of me knew I wasnt ready to truly face myself.

a noteon CapItalIzatIon

Throughout the book you will notice the capitalization of certain words,

e.g. Soul, Divine and Love. The Soul, to me is a speciic entity that de-

serves honor and reverence. The Divine refers to the great mystery that

moves us all. Love is an expansive, transformational energy that we can

either allow to move through our system or shut off from. All are

deserving of the highlighting and respect that capitalization

warrants.


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Once they begin to prioritize the Soul, they come to understand the work issue,

the insomnia andthe ighting. They understand why their Soul has set that annoying

job in their path, how they are using caffeine to avoid their inner voice, or why they Soul

contracted with a partner with ADHD. They begin to surrender their egos will to the will of

their Soul. This often is met with tears. It is powerful to watch our delusions crumble. And

in the match between the visibles and the invisibles, Im puttin my money on the ones withless matter.

Every problem has a spiritual solution. And sometimes the solution lies in realizing

a problem isnt a problem, but rather a Soul Opportunity. This problem may be the perfect,

and yet completely unfair, horrendous shit-storm that our ego needs to experience in order

to get us into Soul Alignment. This is how transformation works on the Soul Level.

Im not the greatest psychic in the world. I cant ind missing people or where Ive

lost my keys (especially where Ive lost my keys.) I dont know the lotto numbers or which

horse will win. Yet I can feel where your Soul Path is and where you are in relationship

to it. I know if you are shirking responsibility with the Divine and in the victim mentality,

running from your intuition. I feel if there are other energies in your space keeping you

from avoiding your Soul Informationlike your husband or mother-in-law. (It mighteven be a spirit you havent met before.) I can channel your frustrated dead father at your

birthday party. (Its happened!) I intuitively know if you are lying to yourself, and I am the

irst to cry when youve claimed your spiritual courage and accepted that Lovesometimes

peacefully, sometimes violentlyis trying to reorient your life.

This work isnt dependent on the person sitting in front of me in physical space.

Everything I do exists out of space and time. A phone call with someone halfway around

the world is just effective as meeting face to face. This is the part that often confuses

people. Its hard for some to grasp that I do this work remotely. But my minds eye (my

sixth chakra) can connect in ways my physical body cannot.

We all have the ability to do this for ourselves, and that is what I teach. I dont want

my clients to become dependent on my intuitive information, but to be connected and

empowered on their own. Learning to recognize their instant Soul Alignment feedback,

they begin to sense when they are connected to Love (their Soul Voice) and when they are

making up great rational explanations based on fearful survival issues (the fear voice.)

Like most worthwhile pursuits, this is a skill that is easy to learn but dificult to

master. The information is always available, but it takes spiritual discipline and courage to

follow our Souls marching orders. The ego says, This is too much of you to ask from me.

Im not prepared. Youve got the wrong gal. or I had planned something different for my

life. I cant bare this level of pain. No one will understand. Sometimes its simply: This is

not what I want my life to be.

The Soul says in response, I have orchestrated your life absolutely perfectly. You areon track, even when you feel off track. It says, You are not alone, your invisible allies are

supporting you. And most clearly, Life doesnt make mistakes.

What I have seen over and over is that when we align with our Soul Voice and follow

orders, we relieve suffering and save time. Our Soul will make sure we get the memo, even

if it hurts. So we can either step on the path, or turn away and get burned. Our Soul loves

us too much to let us live in anything less than the truth. She wont allow delusions. And

we cant do it without Her.


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lets get personAl

I was raised in a rational, scientiic family. My father was a biochemist and my

mother a mathematician. Logic and analysis were the valid ways of interpreting reality. So

my upbringing was far from airy-fairy/hippy-dippy/follow your bliss. It was more, Follow

your bliss if you can rationally prove to me why this is the most logical and safe thing todo. Remember those Worst-Case Scenario books that were sold as gag gifts? They had tips

like what to do if you are stuck in quicksand. I bought one for my parents one Christmas

and they thought it was illed with lots of useful and pertinent information. Another year

I boughtSkeptic Magazine for my dad as a joke. To me it seemed like a bunch of angry

scientists attempting to debunk alien encounters and Sasquatch claims. My father loved it

and wanted a subscription.

One of my irst experiences of astral travel happened in a Montessori class when

I was about six years old. The teacher put on classical music and asked us to relax. As I

slipped into a deeply relaxed state, I felt myself loat down through the layers of the planet.

Then I lew up over my friends bodies and saw the school from above. After the meditation

was over, we took turns sharing our experiences. When I took my turn the teacher stared at

me in shock. I knew I wasnt just pretending or imagining, as some adults suggested and

soon learned to keep those experiences to myself.

So from an early age I chose to shut down my intuition. But when I was seventeen

it reared its head again. For Christmas my parents bought meas a jokea session with a

psychic. Her name was Stacy.

As a seventeen-year-old, I was developmentally on track by assuming I had the

world igured out. But ive minutes into the session my faade cracked, as the psychic told

me very speciic information about my relationship, details I was sure Id never told anyone.

I accused her of following me to get information. My paradigm unraveled like a pile of yarn

at our feet. Afterwards I left her house feeling irritated, as though Id woken from a strangedream.

In fact, I barely heard what she told me in the reading, because I kept interrupting

her.

What do you mean spirit guides?! What the heck is a spirit guide?! She gave me

an audiotape of our recorded session and I left, immediately iling the information into the

back of my brain labeled Do Not Open, EVER. Shortly thereafter, I went to the University of

Washington to become a lawyer. That sounds like a good plan doesnt it? I totally loved Ally

McBeal. What could possibly go wrong?

Many of the things Stacy told me came true, but I continued to resist. Often we

ight transformation until the struggle is more painful than the shift it takes to change.

Eventually, I was forced to surrender.It started with a wart on my left knee that appeared senior year of high school. It

soon spread over my entire knee. I had over forty-ive warts on my leg. I jokingly referred

to it as my leper leg. And like any normal insurance-card-carrying member of Western

society, I went to see a doctor. And she burned my warts with liquid nitrogen. Again. AndAgain. And Again. Many months and many burns later, the doctors told me I was a hopeless

case and to stop clogging up their waiting room. At this point I not only had leper leg but

also third degree scars from the repeated burning. I was eighteen-years-old and desperate


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to escape my miserable leper-leg-no-shorts-or-skirts-for-life diagnosis.

Out of desperation, I went to Stacy. I knew she did something called energy work

and I thought I might as well try it. I lay on her massage table and closed my eyes as she ran

energy over the warts on my leg. And then I started to see lashing lights. I thought it was

strange, but I was in such a relaxed state I remained silent. I soon slipped into a REM trance

state, although still fully conscious. Stacy noticed my eyes luttering.What are you seeing? She asked.

Ummmm. Nothing. I responded.

No, What are you seeing? I can see youre going into trance. At the word trance, I

got scared. Did that mean I was going to have a seizure or start to channel a dead person? I

began crying.

I dont know! I guess I see a chicken with tennis shoes on.

OKshe said. Within moments, a beautiful tiger appeared before me looking as

real as if I was watching an Imax Movie. He looked lovingly into my eyes and then jumped

through my face into my body, carrying my consciousness with him as he traveled down

into the lower world.

Of course at the time I had no knowledge of the lower world and didnt realize I wasexperiencing a classic shamanic soul retrieval. It wasnt until years later, while reading a

book by Stan Grof, one of the founders of transpersonal psychology, that I would recognize

my experience in anothers. And further, that was an altogether common one.

My tiger showed me I was holding trauma in my left leg. I understood at the time

though I didnt know howthat each wart contained a traumatic story. And as I told these

stories to Stacy, the trauma released from my body. My Soul had wanted me to love myself

warts and all.

Many hours later, Tracy shook me awake.

I have to go catch a ferry, she said. And our session was over.

I walked out of her ofice completely confused. The next day the warts were gone.

Within three weeks the third degree burns had completely disappeared.

sAy wHAt?

The session with Stacy was like opening Pandoras box. Suddenly, I was able to

see energy ields around people, communicate with spirit beings and receive psychic

information that was consistently validated by physical reality. This intensiied after I

moved with a friend to Italy. As I tried to understand my new spiritual reality, without the

assistance of a spiritual mentor, I was often confused and overwhelmed. On a payphone

in Italy my sister told me she bought me a gift for helping with her wedding. I saw it in myhead: a bracelet with pearl and garnet alternating with silver inlay. She hadnt shown it to

anyone and couldnt understand how I knew.

My plan to become a lawyer had revealed itself as ridiculous, and I decided to

become a therapist. So I volunteered at a suicide hotline and used my intuitive skills to help

people in desperate need. They were desperate to know why they were here, and if they

couldnt access that information, they refused to stay. They werent going to waste their

time if they couldnt connect to their Soul. And I was surprised to discover how much I


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loved sharing that moment with them. It gave me huge inspiration and courage to take Soul

Voice seriously. For themand honestly, for all of usit is a dead serious matter.

I spent the next years completing my graduate degree in counseling psychology at

Paciica Graduate Institute and studying the theories of Jung, Marion Woodman, archetypal

psychology, dream work and transpersonal psychology.

At an incest survivor agency I saw acutely how trauma affects our development.Working with victims and perpetrators, I sat with dark energies that had been cut off from

their source light. Later I worked in addiction treatment facilitieswith women and their

familiesand then with teen girls in juvenile hall. This work helped me to see how we all

have inner addicts trying to distract us from our life plan. And the truth is, sometimes we

would rather die than face it.

We Are More Than Our Physical Bodies

One day while in graduate school, after many hours of back-to-back classes, I got

a migraine. I was sitting with my friend, Dennis, and we were eating lunch on the grass.

Dennis is an amazing bodyworker, and he started to give me a neck massage. Then he

noticed I was about to trance out, so he moved me into a quiet room.

While in a deep trance state, I appear drugged and receive intense visual dream-like

pictures. On this day, I left my body and hovered over my physical self. I saw the creases in

my face and watched my chest contract and expand. All at once I understood the struggle of

the physical and was instantly overwhelmed with love and compassion. It became clear that

my prioritiesmy life choiceshad been dictated by fear.

And then I had the most freeing epiphany. I am not my body.

Like most of us, I desperately hoped I would survive as a consciousness after myphysical body died, but I never completely trusted this was true. I thought I might cease to

exist and was terriied of disappearing into a black void. But after that day there was no

avoiding the truth. I know I will exist after my physical body is gone. We will all continue.

And while out of body we have access to anything we could ever want to know. Without the

weight of the physical world guiding our experience, we are truly spiritual beings.

The real shake up of this experience was after the trance. Ultimately, the experience

forced me to reevaluate everything in my life. Anywhere that I was making decisions based

on physical world security was immediately and painfully apparent to me. There is more

to life than a healthy 401k, a six-igure income and tennis on the weekends. Life is about

expressing yourself and allowing Love to move through you on a moment-to-moment basis.

At the end of the day, this is all that truly matters. Remember where you began, understand

your truth and then be that without apology.

I merged with my Soul Self and saw my ego-driven life with intense and painful

clarity. This knowingness guides all of my sessions and all of my work in the world.


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roAd mAp

In almost every session with clients, I recognize the symptoms of energetic

codependency. Most often they dont realize what a major dynamic it plays. While

unconsciously feeling the effects of energetic inluence and not understanding why, a

person can become riddled with self-doubts. She believes something is inherently wrongbut doesn't know how to ix it.

You may feel clouded and have trouble making decisions. You might feel guilty,

oversensitive and anxious, but not know why youre feeling this way. Perhaps you need

more time to yourself, more space, and are unsure why you seem so different from

everyone else. You may have spent a great portion of your life learning to just deal with it.

We are constantly inundated by energies that lie outside of our conscious awareness.

They affect us every moment, whether we are aware of it or not. But heres the good

news: you dont need to just deal with it. In this book I will show you how to stop losing

touch with your essential energy. I will give you the tools to clarify how you are affected

and how you can protect yourself. The meditations and exercises Ive created will engage

you consciously and actively with the concept of energetic codependency. And if you

consistently apply these tools, you will begin to see your life in an entirely new way.

Please know that Ive been obsessed with this topic for a very long while, and theres

a developmental curve to learning about energy awareness. Be kind and self-loving. It may

take time to digest and sit with some of these practices. Feel free to skip around, using only

those exercises to which you feel called. And if you get overwhelmed by a certain section,

skip it. You can always return to it later.

wHAtis energetiC CodependenCy?

Thirty years ago, the topic of codependency was just starting to receive public

recognition. The topic of codependency is fairly mainstream thanks to the healing track

record of Alcoholics Anonymous, the popularization of John Bradshaw and Melody Beatties

codependency books and a cultural shift around the stigma of addiction. It has now become

a commonly recognized phenomenon frequently mentioned in the media and self-help

circuits.

When we arent clear about what we have to give and what we need to receiveweare in the grips of codependency. When we are confused about our limits and boundaries,

codependency has claimed our lives. When we lie to ourselves and others about what we

can tolerate, we have traded in our own truth to become card-carrying members of thecodependency club. When we lose ownership of our authentic voice in exchange for approval

and validationfrom others, we have purchased a ticket to the wildly popular codependency

show.

I am extremely passionate about the topic of codependency, and more accurately

energetic codependency, because I believe it is the number one issue blocking us from our

intuitive voice. Energetic codependency is extremely common and mostly misunderstood.

It is the result of our addiction to avoiding our Soul Selves. It takes extreme courage to hear


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our Soul Call, and when we fail to serve our intuition it always results in neurotic behavior.

We avoid the present moment, the greatness of our potential and the very real urgency

inside which calls us into clarity. It takes energy to avoid our Soul Self, and this results in

exhaustion, confusion and disconnection.

My intention in creating this book is to help others who are ready and willing to

come into energetic consciousness in their lives. I want to expose the reality of how otherenergies and entities inluence your life, distract you from your mission and try to numb

you to sleep. In the daily battle between consciousness and unconsciousness, energetic

awareness is essential for Soul Survival.

tHe differenCe Between CodependenCyAnd energetiCCodependenCy

Codependency focuses on the behaviors, thoughts, actions and patterns in

relationship; energetic codependency takes into account the reality of the subtle energies

that are always at play. Energetic codependency acknowledges the reality of the aura, the

chakra system and the energy cords constantly transmitting between ourselves and others.

It expands the idea of codependency not only to people, places and thingsbut also events,

time periods, cultural and group energies. There is very little public discussion about what

energetic codependency entails, how it inluences our lives and how we can free ourselves

from it. I see it affecting the lives of my clients every day, in almost every session. I know ithas affected my own life, and Im constantly conscious of whether Im claiming my reality or

merely exchanging it for the reality of others.

We beCoMe energetICallY Codependent WIth:

People

Places (the spirit or entity of a place, like Maui)

Things (a sweatshirt from an ex-boyfriend) Groups

Spirit beings with bodies (family, friends)

Spirit beings without bodies (people who have crossed over,

spirit guides, other energetic entities)

Animals

Events (the Superbowl, weddings)


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CodependenCy

Codependency was initially discovered in the late 1970s and termed by

professionals in the mental health community as a way of classifying, diagnosing and

treating individuals who were in relationship with addicts. Clinicians began to notice

a trend in the families and friends of those with active chemical dependency addiction.Besides a common theme of enabling, denial or rage toward the addict, there was a theme

of reactionary behavior and obsession with the addicts actions. Self-care was often low

on the list of priorities of the codependent, paired with guilt or anxiety at even the idea of

proactive behaviors. Codependents became deined as people whose lives had become

unmanageable as a result of living in a committed relationship with an alcoholic. (Alanon)

Since then, the deinition of codependency has widened to include many

relationships beyond those struggling with the daily issues of chemical dependency. Adult

children of alcoholics, people in relationship with individuals with mental health issues,

caretakers of the elderly and people whose careers depend on the helping professions (e.g.

therapists, social workers and nurses) are all different subgroups where codependency

is rampant. Many individuals with active addiction also have a co-occurring diagnosis of

codependency. There is a saying that is popular in the ield of recovery, Scratch an addict

and youll ind a codependent.

One of my tasks in rehab was to facilitate the friends and family groups. Visiting

a loved one in rehab was a privilege, and it could only be earned by attending one of these

groups. We discussed everyones lives, their daily struggles and examined ways they

were enabling and practicing codependent behavior. It was there that I irst realized how

codependency affects so many of us in both extreme and subtle ways.

There are many deinitions of codependency, but the one that I think is most

succinct is from Melody Beatties classic bookCodependent No More: A codependent

person is one who has let another persons behavior affect him or herand who is obsessedwith controlling that persons behavior. When we are codependent we are literally giving

away our power.

tHe United stAtesof CodependenCy

American society often struggles with caring for others (sometimes called

caretaking) without losing energetic boundaries and identity. The disease to please is

rampant. Television, movies and celebrity behavior only serve to reinforce this issue.

a sIMpleand dIreCt deFInItIonoF CodependenCY

The codependent lives by one emotional reality

How I feel depends on how you feel.


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In the 1997 movieAs Good As It Gets, Jack Nicholson informs Helen Hunt he has

started taking his prescribed medication because you make me want to be a better man.

She reacts ecstatically, replying that its probably the best compliment shes ever received.

The audience is expected to swoon at this romantic gesture, at the controlling and neurotic

protagonist taking his prescribed medication. In the 1996 movieJerry Maguire, Tom

Cruises famous line to Renee Zellweger was You complete me. Cruises character wasbroken and incomplete without the relationship, not a whole person without Zellwegers

help and caretaking.

Can a relationship complete us? Maybe a relationship can develop us, inspire us,

even serve our highest spiritual calling in the world as a parent or loving partner. But can it

complete us?

Relationships can, of course, help meet our human needs of intimacy and relection.

But if we need a relationship to feel complete or to deine our identity, we set ourselves up

for disillusionment when the bubble pops. These ideas create at best a shaky foundation.

At worst they are complete dysfunction.

And let us not forget the added pressure of classic gender roles. If youre a female

the disease to please is reinforced from birth, with little girls receiving validation onlywhen they behave as good girls. Men are also commonly codependent, with little cultural

support to encourage social connection and emotional processing. For men there is

enormous pressure to do and achieve, and not much space to explore and be.

And inally, popular music. The themes of codependency are everywhere. Rihanna

calls out S.O.S. on her romantic obsession and Britney is a grateful slave to romantic love,

just to name two. These are the images and models that set the tone for love as our teens

and pre-teens develop their ideas of what it means to be in relationship. Is it any wonder

we are confused?


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Codependency Inquiry

For inspiration, listen to a current pop song. Read the lyrics of Rihanas SOS. Or Britney

Spears, Im a Slave 4 U.

1. What images, thoughts does this bring up about your cultural programming?

2. What are your own ideas about codependency and relationships?

3. How do you feel your romantic imagination has been affected by your family, your

religion or your culture?


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energetiC CodependenCy tAkes itA (Big) step fArtHer

Energetic codependency, like codependency, includes the emotional dependency

that is verbalized as: the way I feel relies on how you feel. But the main difference between

the two is how energetic codependency accounts for the inluence and reality of subtle

energies. Energetic codependency could also be voiced as, I dont know where you endand I begin. Or, I will accept your reality over my own. The beneit of the energetic lens is

that we can literally examine the energies and see where leaks and blurred boundaries are

occurring.

Energy is not time and space dependent. This means that in addition to the usual

people, places and things, we can also be codependent with events (losing our power to the

anniversary of a loved one who has passed away), spirit beings (we can still be in an active

energetic codependent relationship with our mother who has crossed over to the other

side), a spirit guide (who is saying they have our best intentions at heart but may also be

deluded about their own agenda) or the energy that has been stored in a physical location

(losing our power to Egypt when we have never been there in this lifetime, if we had aprevious lifetime there as an abused slave.)

Energetic codependency also takes into account the energetic shadow active in

relationship. What if a good friend has always seemed supportive and acted accordingly

in the physical reality, yet is feeding off your energy ield? You may have a nagging feeling

that something about the relationship isnt deeply trustworthy. You may notice your body

sweating as you talk on the phone, a nervous feeling and a temptation to get off the line. If

youve done the psychological work, and come to terms with your own projections, than

what you are dealing with is the energetics of codependency.

This work is for the individual whose highest interest is self-inquiry for spiritual

development. We are not bypassing the psychological work. We must understand that the

motivation toward energetic awareness is truly spiritual clarity. We arent doing any favorswhen we allow someone to be energetically codependent in our space. For the critics of

the New Age, who assume this type of work is always psychological or spiritual bypassing, I

invite further inquiry.

We must be fearless in exploring our shadow sides. If you are looking for an easy

out, then this work will disappoint. Sometimes what we discover in the energetic trenches

can be deeply humbling. We see the shadows of others, but we must face our own darkness

in the process.

energetIC CodependenCY

When one is unconsciously or consciously connected to energetic entities

that are adversely affecting their energetic reality and sovereignty.


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Our ego relegates information to the shadow when it cant bear to integrate it into

our conscious awareness. And because we cant contain the energy consciously, we project

it onto others. Like a movie theater's projection from the back room, we dont see the ilm

reel; but the movie on the big screen. It makes sense that when we go looking into those dark

corners with our energetic lashlights, what we see about ourselves is what we ind most

distasteful in others.But this means we are on our way. As we get clear on how we energetically feed off

foreign energieshow we shirk responsibility in our lives and project our disowned parts

onto otherswe begin to emit a humble, grounded energy others recognize and trust. This

is not the inlated feel of a spiritual by-passer who has relinquished the information from her

Soul to an enlightened channeled being, but the deep calm and humility that grows

out of the present moment. It is the feel of surrendered trust and knowledge that the wave

of life is taking us to our Soul Selves and the embodied joy of inding the daily miracles

around us in a fully integrated and human way.

We can free ourselves from energetic limitationsthat are not dependent on the other persons

conscious understanding.

When we ind success in our own life and our friend becomes unconsciously

vengeful, an energetic cord is activated. But what can we do? What if the idea of energetics

is beyond her conscious awareness and a discussion of this issue in the physical reality

would be met with confusion and disbelief? Freeing ourselves from energetic limitations

without the other persons conscious understanding is possible. In fact, it can be extremelyuseful if we are in relationship with someone who is crossed over, in a coma, unable to

communicate, not developmentally mature, or has lost a capacity for mental processing.

Thankfully, we can work on the issue and even potentially keep the relationship in tact

through our own energetic work.


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yoU Are energy

Some of my clients have been meditating for years, attending energy classes and

workshops, well versed in the topic of energetic awareness. For others, this is brand

new information. If you are interested in depending your knowledge, you can consult

the Resources chapter of this book for further reading suggestions. But I want to take amoment to cover the basics in my own simple way.

tHe poweroftHe energetiC lens

Every one of us is an energy worker. As energetic beings, constantly engaged

with the subtle energies of the people and world around us, we make a thousand minor

energetic tweaks to adjust to each moment. In yoga, this is known as the subtle body

or in Taoism as the light body. It is the outer layer around our physical body that irst

interacts with the world. Our physical body is constant beating our heart, healing smallcuts, expanding our lungs and growing our ingernailsand this happens whether we are

conscious of it or not. But with our energy system, awareness gives us power over our

engagement with the world. We dont need to become paranoid or hypercritical of our

energetic communication, but a basic awareness of the landscape can help tremendously.

This allows us to navigate our lives with intention. All it takes is a little discipline and some

consistency to become luent in energetic communication.

Our energy ield is always listening. If we think a self-defeating thought, it depletes

our energy and our aura contracts and becomes more susceptible to other energies. If you

feel you have not acted in an honorable way, your energy weakens. If you are connected

to your Soul Voice and think thoughts that are afirming and Loving, your energy expands

and strengthens. Your energy is a relection and accumulation of every thought and everyaction.

One of the beneits of the energetic lens is that it allows us to step out of victimhood

and into our own empowerment as spiritual beings. Psychologically, this is known as an

internal locus of control. Instead of our destiny or success being dependent on external

factors, we have great power to alter our own energy and untangle energetically from

others. We have options when the physical world fails us. It might not be possible to say

what we want to say to our boss without losing our job, but energetically you can have the

conversation and change everything.

One of my clients was consistently bullied at work by her manager. She was

constantly under scrutiny, unfairly attacked in a bully/runt archetypal pattern. Wemanaged to shift the energy cords and removed her from the managers energetic radar,

which resulted in a much more peaceful work environment.

In my early days working at the suicide hotline, my boss hounded me every day.

Clients would call in, feeling utter despair and in the direst circumstances, but because the

phone line was part of the for-proit health care system, we were pressured to handle our

calls quickly. You can probably imagine the stress this created, between the desire to give

quality care and the external focus on our numbers. I was constantly on the radar for


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having long phone calls and received daily lectures about my performance. At the time I

was studying at a meditation center and just beginning to learn about energy work. After I

removed the energy cord between my boss and myself, she immediately stopped hounding

me. I was shocked. My numbers hadnt changed. Nothing had changed in physical reality,

yet everything about our relationship was different. This validated for me the reality and

inluence of our energetic relationships. After that I learned as much as I could about theenergetic world.

I ind the energetic lens to be the most helpful, powerful, healing, eficient and

practical way to shift energy and relationships. Energy awareness takes relating to a whole

new level. And illuminates the codependency relationship in a powerful new light.

The beauty is that we can shift the relationship without talking at all. This doesnt

mean that talking has no value, or we need to avoid verbal communication, but we have

power to shift the relationship without conscious approval from the other person. This is

beneicial when the other person is someone who has passed, who we are not in contact

with, or someone who is incapable of verbally communicating.

We are spirit beings having a human experience. You are always connected to your

energetic source no matter how blocked you may feel. Something is beating your heartbeyond the purely physical; there is an energy that is primary to the measurable electrical

current within your body. This world is energetically based irst, before matter. It is

through our intention and imagination that we engage with this pre-physical world. We are

co-creators with the universal Divine energy, and we can use our intention and clarity to

move out of energetic codependency.

You cant talk to crazy.(but you can work with it energetically)

Healthy communication is a skill we should all learn. Many people dont have basic

skills such as how to use: When You, I feel statements, or the tool of relective listening.

But once we navigate the basics of healthy verbal communication, we must develop the

deeper tools of energetic communication. We are magnetic beings that attract people,

places and things into our lives. And if our energy determines our world, it undoubtedly

plays an enormous role in our communication.

With the energetic lens, communication is always possible. Sometimes it doesnt

make sense to engage in any other way but energetically. Mental illness, such as personality

disorders or mood disorders, can make rational interaction extremely challenging. And

its potentially dangerous to speak with a perpetrator. These are the times when energetic

communication is our only option.

On the surface this may seem disrespectful, to write someone off as unable to

communicate, but I believe it comes from deep respect. I believe it comes from honoring

where they exist developmentally, emotionally and psychologically. This is an issue of

tolerance. To assume that one shouldbe able to communicate at a different level, to ill my

own needs, is truly discourteous. Whenever we insist upon what should be, against the


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reality of what is, we become the perpetrator.

I have a three-year-old son. If I attempt to talk him down from a tantrum, I set

myself up for failure. I can let him release the tantrum, sit with him while he expresses,

or gently rub his back to calm him. But in the moment, explanations would only be

interpreted as more fuel for the lame of the tantrum. As a mother I must be conscious of

what he has the ability to process, rather than insist he communicate at my level.As we become aware and attuned to the reality of subtle energy, the challenge is

not everyone will be able to understand. Its frightening to navigate the world based upon

internal, invisible realities, particularly when everyone around us only sees the physical

world. But we can learn to rely on our own intuition as guidance in the dark. How we do

thiswithout becoming inlated or delated or delusionalis to repeatedly listen to our

Soul Self and learn the art of ierce discernment.

nextstop: imAginAtion stAtion

Our imagination is our greatest spiritual tool. It allows us to bypass our inner

critical analyzer and permits us to play and engage with the subtle energies. The Soul

speaks to us through the language of metaphor. As with our night dreams, She transfers

symbolic information that is visual in nature. It is through our imagination that we can

receive Her symbolic, visual, metaphorical language. So when my clients begin to access

their intuition and ask me,Am I making this up? I tell them, energy precedes matter. So you

arent making Her up, She is making you up, all the way down to your physical cells.

Imagination gives us the ability to consciously co-create with the universe through

the laser beam of our intention. It is the means of entering into different vibrational

realities. Imagination is the same method employed by shamans to enter into the lower or

upper worlds and in distance healing to examine and heal the abnormalities of atoms. It isalso often used for self-healing, with methods like guided imagery or hypnosis.

When we are young we are naturally luent in the language of the imagination. We

play house, pretend with our dolls and adventure through an exotic jungle looking for

tigers. Many children have access to seeing the colors of the human energy ield. I often

watch young childrens eyes trailing auras and cords between people. Many children have

imaginary friends, or connection to certain animals that may even be one of their spirit

helper animals.

Just as when you were young, playing pretend imagination games for hours, we need

to be able to leave the strict laws of time and space and move into sacred time. To get there,

we learn to check the critic at the door and be willing to be foolish and play. We need to

open to the experience that wants to be revealed to us from our Soul Selves.Sometimes, in the process of remembering how to imagine and play I would get

stumped. My analyzer and critic were too loud screaming in my ear about the silliness of it

all. At these times I would ask myself If you pretended to know what would it be? This

was incredibly freeing. My ego didnt need to identify as someone who was pretending. I

could pretend, to pretendand bypass the perfectionist in me. A little energetic loophole, if

you will. Try it if you ind yourself stuck.

Dont worry about if you are getting it right. Perfectionism does not help us to


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open to subtle energy states. With imagination, you learn from on the job training. You

need to suspend disbelief long enough to have an experience of what if feels like to be

reconnected with your imagination again. The main lesson to start is to be curious about

how you get your intuitive information. So suspend judgment for a moment and relax your

way of understanding a bit. To calm the inner critic, you can let it know there is always the

opportunity to judge your experience after you have it.

Visualization

Sit in chair with your legs and arms uncrossed. Take several deep breaths. Put a hand on

your belly and feel your stomach going out on the inhale and in on the exhale.

Visualize in your minds eye an apple.

What color is your apple? Is it big or small? Is it attached to a tree or sitting in a bowl?

What else is in the picture of your visualization?

When you have a clear picture of your apple, draw a rough sketch of it or jot down

information about what it looked like below. When you are inished continue reading on

the next page.

My apple looked like (write or draw):


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Warning:Do Not Read The Following

Until You Have Finished the Previous Exercise.

What color was your apple? Was it Green or Red or Yellow? Was it big or small?

Was it high up on a tree branch or lying in a bowl on a kitchen counter?

When I do this exercise with clients they tell me what color they have seen. For example a

client will tell me they saw a small yellow apple.

How do you know it wasnt red? I ask.

There is usually a pause on the phone. They are stumped, trying to see if their apple

was red. Maybe I saw it as red and they were wrong. Then usually with certainty they

exclaim, Because I saw it as yellow!

And I say, Exactly.

That is the straightforward, direct way of the imagination. It was yellow because

you saw it as yellow. You are not mistaken. There is no big surprise here. It is remarkably

simple and direct. Imagination is deceptively simple. Deceptive to the ego and obvious to

your Soul Self. Our ego is what makes us think it will be hard or unattainable. Trust what

you see. It is there for a reason. Your mind and ego might not know why your apple is

yellow over red, but your Soul self does. And She has lots of information She is so excited to

transmit to you if you will allow Her.

I came up with this easy exercise because so many of my clients told me they could

not access their imaginations. They had lost conidence in their abilities to play. They

wouldnt even try to visualize anything their spiritual self esteem was so low. I have yet to

ind a client who could not pass my Imagination 101 Test.

If you could see, or get any information about your apple, you know how to use yourimagination. Congrats! You have the overlooked and often underused gift of spiritual sight!

BUt, i dont knowif i Believein energy.

As with gravity, you dont need to believe in it for it to be affecting and inluencing

your life. We are all energy workers that navigate the reality of others energy ields,

whether we are conscious of this fact or not. At a party, most of us can read body language

and know whom we want to talk to and whom we feel uncomfortable around. If you ever

watch two dogs in the park, they know immediately if they are going to play or ight.Awareness of the energetic reality empowers us by allowing us to choose our own

reality. But please dont take my word for it. I want you to become an empiricist. Try the

tools and exercises in this workbook and see if you feel differently.

Beware, though, of cynicism. Some degree of skepticism can be helpful to

intellectually process the information. I want you to bring your analytical mind to the work,

but not to the degree that it blocks spiritual experience.

Whether you are completely new to the idea of what a chakra is, or have been


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Photo Credit: Heather B. Allison Photography

E R S

W.

She weaves together her

background as a Marriage

and Family Therapist with a

modernly mystic approach to

subtle energies. In her one-

on-one sessions, she uses

her ability to see energy to

expose and heal emotional,

psychological and relational

blocks.

www.ElisaRomeo.com

energetic codependency: break free from the toxic energies that hijack authenticity

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