facing financial realities togethertogether...talking about your financial situation with kids: 4...

TogetherTogetherF A C I N G F I N A N C I A L R E A L I T I E S

1. Who is going to be the breadwinner (one or both)?

2. If both are breadwinners, how will we care for the children

(day care, school, after school, etc.)?

3. Are you a hard worker? What career do you want to

pursue? What further education will you need?

4. What percentage of our income do you want

to give? Who do you prefer to give to—church,

ministries, the poor and needy, etc.?

5. How much of our income do you

want to save?

6. What is your attitude toward debt?

When should we use it? Is paying off

debt a very high priority for you?

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3 4 Q U E S T I O N S T O A N S W E R S O T H AT M O N E Y W O N ’ T R U I N Y O U R M A R R I A G E

B Y H O W A R D D A Y T O N

What do most couples argue over? Money. In fact, a 2014 survey by Money Magazine found that 70 percent of married couples had more friction over money than household

chores, togetherness, sex, snoring, and what’s for dinner. Money can rip a relationship apart. That’s why it’s important for you to

learn now about each other’s financial values and attitudes. And it’s best to do that before you are married.

To get you started, answer the two lists of questions below. Financial guru Howard Dayton posed the first list in his book Money and Marriage God’s Way. I had the privilege of contributing to

this book and suggested the second list of questions in the chapter on blended families:

Q U E S T I O N S R E G A R D I N G Y O U R VA L U E S :

7. Who will handle the bookkeeping and paying the bills?

How often should we meet to review our finances?

8. How do you see us becoming one with our finances? How

should we combine our finances? Is there any sense of “my

money” and “your money”? If so, how can we overcome

this challenge?

9. How will we make financial decisions?

10. Who will manage the investments

and what is your investment

philosophy?

11. What are your expectations

concerning our lifestyle—what do

you want for a home, furniture,

cars, clothes, vacations and gifts?

“Facing Financial Realities Together,” © 2020 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved. For more helpful resources on marriage and family, please visit FamilyLife.com.

20. What are your financial obligations to your ex-spouse

(child support, alimony, other)?

21. How likely are child support payments to increase

or decrease in the future? When will they end? Are you

responsible for any additional expenses, such as education,

for them?

22. When one of us dies, who will receive the assets brought

into our marriage? What happens to them when the surviving

spouse dies or remarries? What are the financial plans for

your children should you die or be unable to work?

23. What expectations do you have for me to support your family?

24. Who is responsible for the children’s health insurance? If

an ex-spouse is unwilling to do their part, how will we handle it?

25. Do you have a retirement plan? If so, how much is in it?

Is any part of it obligated to a former spouse?

26. Do you have any financial

commitments to your

parents, siblings, or other

family members?

27. Was your previous

spouse a poor money

manager? How will we

unify our finances?

S P E C I F I C Q U E S T I O N S F O R P R E - S T E P FA M I LY C O U P L E S :

28. How should we use what we receive in child support and

alimony? What do we do when we don’t receive scheduled

child support?

29. Will we both work outside of the home? How will we

handle childcare?

30. How will we handle the holidays? How do you feel about

gift giving?

31. Are we comfortable with one checking account or will we

have “yours,” “mine,” and “ours”?

32. What do we want to teach our children about money?

Are “yours” and “my” children used to different spending

styles? Will we give allowances and in what amount? How

will we resolve differences in spending/saving/allowance

practices?

33. After the wedding, how do you feel about

changing the deeds/titles/beneficiaries to

insurance, car titles, house deeds, and wills?

34. Since divorce does not eliminate mutually

shared debts, how will you remove

yourself from these joint debts?

(This may be as simple as closing

a credit card account or as complex

as refinancing a mortgage.)

12. What do you think we should spend on our wedding?

13. What were your parents’ attitudes toward money? How

have their attitudes influenced you?

14. Do you think my parents or your parents will want

to control us by using money? Is there a danger of

overdependence on them? If so, how should we deal with this?

15. What has your family done for birthdays, Christmas, and

gift giving? What should we do?

16. Do you have any financial commitments to your parents,

siblings, or other family members? To what extent should we

help if we have needy family members?

17. When should our children begin to work, and what is your

philosophy of giving them allowances?

18. Do we both know Jesus Christ as our Savior? If not, what

should we do?

19. Do we both have a solid understanding of what God says

about handling money? (By the way, if your answer to this is

“No,” pick up a copy of Money and Marriage God’s Way.)

2 Questions taken from Money and Marriage God’s Way by Howard Dayton, Moody Publishers, Chicago, 2009. Used with permission.


3 “Rachel Cruze’s 4 Priorities” by Rachel Cruze of Ramsey Solutions For more helpful resources on marriage and family, please visit FamilyLife.com.

R A C H E L C R U Z E ’ S 4 P R I O R I T I E S

When you’re vulnerable, uncertain, anxious—what should you do with the money you do have?

Rachel Cruze of Ramsey Solutions reminds us fear is a terrible financial adviser. So make sure your needs—your “four walls”—are

taken care of even before you’re paying off debt.

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Food

Shelter

Utilities

Transportation


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4 T I P S F O R T E L L I N G Y O U R C H I L D : “ W E C A N ’ T A F F O R D T H AT. ”

B Y J A N E L B R E I T E N S T E I N

You’re not alone. With 30 million Americans recently filing unemployment, so many of us feel our personal financial situation

closing in like a vise. More than ever, we feel it: The cost of raising a child is high. And many kids in America might not be used to

hearing some version of “We can’t afford that.”

Kids don’t need a Spidey sense to pick up on financial uncertainty. A friend of mine recently listened to the breathy whispers of her

elementary-aged daughters one evening. The next morning, the two came out with it. Turns out the girls had overheard my friend

and her husband’s household budget talks the night before.

Her oldest: “Will we still go to our school next year?” And then, “Are kids at ‘free school’”--public school--“nice?” Of course, my friend mentioned, her younger daughter announced this possibility in her kindergarten class’s morning meeting.

“We might go to free school next year, but I don’t know yet.”

W H E N T H E C O S T O F R A I S I N G A C H I L D E Q U A L S A T O U G H F I N A N C I A L S I T U AT I O N :

When expecting our first, I remember my husband and me

wandering into a piled-to-the-rafters Babies “R” Us.

“How did Adam and Eve do this?” I wondered aloud, hand on

belly. Even that question alone reminded me parenting kids

in America has become something increasingly complicated.

One may not actually need cereal bowls with built-in straws.

Motorized toothbrushes. A walker shaped like a Jeep.

But even when sorting through wants vs. needs—a

differentiation many of us are now performing and prioritizing

anew—the power of comparison can feel overwhelming.

And especially when your child is comparing former times

with a new, stretched-thin reality:

“Why can’t I go to summer camp this year?”

“Why are we buying shoes at a thrift store?”

Behind what our kids can see, many of us are attempting

to tend to what financial expert Rachel Cruze calls our “four

walls”: Food. Shelter. Utilities. Transportation. And that’s

before we pay MasterCard. Fear, she reminds us, is a terrible

financial adviser. We’re attempting to make wise decisions

amidst serious stress--and that, she observes, can lead to regret.


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Your child takes their cues from you.

It took a gentle nudge from my husband for me to realize that, like a thermostat, my reactions have the power

to set the tone in our home. Maybe it’s not unlike adults watching the news: When we see leaders scrambling,

we know something’s up. That’s not to say, So project an image of total calm when you’re stressed. In short, lie.

It’s highly likely that one day, your kids will face their own painful financial situation with their own limited

toolbox. This is a chance to model trust and wise planning. It’s okay to calmly inform kids with an age-appropriate

version of, Money is a little tighter right now. We’re trusting God to provide for us like He always has—kind of like

you’ve always had something to eat, a place to stay, and something to wear (if this is true for your family).

But we’re working to make wise decisions.

Help kids see budgeting as a family project.

No, kids may not need to know what you make every year. And they don’t need to be chomping their fingernails

over the grocery receipt or whether you can all afford haircuts.

But budgeting can be a family mission. Recently, my husband explained to our kids that our grocery budget was

tipping beyond what felt wise. We have preteens and teenagers (surprise, surprise), so he explained they may

have a few less processed snacks in the cupboard, and we wouldn’t be purchasing pizza as often.

We were pleasantly surprised to see that the kids didn’t blink an eye when I brought

home less of a carload from Costco. Gather ideas from your kids how your family

can save and make “smart choices” with your finances. You might even be

able to set their mind at ease: No, we won’t need to give up having lunch.

TA L K I N G A B O U T Y O U R F I N A N C I A L S I T U AT I O N W I T H K I D S : 4 T I P S

So before responding to that tween tugging on your sleeve to

see the next Marvel movie as soon as theaters reopen—first,

sit down with your spouse for some thoughtful budgeting and

planning for your financial situation.

Tip: Get into agreement before your kids discover which of

you is the weakest link.

And then—remember the four tips below.

Leverage a bit of money wisdom toward your kids’ future.So explain to kids that you’re strategizing to make smart money choices.

Explain that budgeting is like a “money plan.” Talk about simple versions

of concepts they need to know: Saving. Generosity. Emergency funds.

And child-friendly ideas of not spending more than we earn.


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You could even throw in some biblical explanations for how you’ll make decisions:

The Bible talks a lot about planning wisely. Your mom and I are making a money plan, called a

budget, so we spend money only in the best places. That means we might not get to do as many of

the fun things, but our money will go to the wisest stuff, like paying for our apartment, instead.

Or,

It’s important to us to stay out of debt—that’s money we owe someone. The Bible talks about how the

person who borrows has to keep serving the person they owe money to (see Proverbs 22:7). It takes a

lot of additional work to repay the extra money you have to pay when you borrow from somewhere,

like a bank. So that means we might choose not to do that family vacay this year, so we don’t have to

build up debt for buying things like extra gasoline.

A thought: My husband and I have decided not to use the words “We can’t afford that.” Because often, if we

formed other budgeting priorities (like not paying the mortgage?!), we could afford something.

We’re making the adult choice to say no to something less important in order to say the right yeses.

And we need to communicate this to our kids: “I know this is important to you! But we have some more

important priorities right now.” Personally, our decisions aren’t those of poverty, but rather of wise money

management.

Keep perspective on money struggles— and remember, simplicity can be great for kids.

Sure, kids in America might not be used to eating simpler meals, getting nothing for themselves at Target, or

skipping going out to eat for the foreseeable future. There’s genuine loss to be had, genuine pain our kids will feel

as their normal shifts—as a certain brand of wonderful memories and pleasures will be foregone.

But if you will, allow me to shed a small amount of global perspective. COVID-19 is predicted to throw nearly half a

billion of the world’s population into extreme poverty—living on less than $1.90 per day—setting the eradication of

poverty back one to three decades.

Yes, it will be tough for our kids to wear old clothes longer, to say no to elite sports. But our children will eat. They

will have shelter and education much of the world would envy (even at “free school”). And they will grow in the

gifts of resilience, perseverance, and simplicity.

Because despite the pervasive cultural norm that more things and experiences = more happiness for our

children—what if less for our kids could be more? Lifestyles of greater simplicity could actually snip our kids’ ties

to materialism, and finding their identity or life satisfaction in what they have. Grant us more time to spend with

our kids. Hand them the gift of hard work rather than entitlement. Release them from cravings that manipulate

them.

Our kids’ challenges have always held the hidden treasures of stamina—of overcoming. Is it possible that,

though the cost of raising a child is high, the possibilities of a slimmer budget could prepare your kids for a more

resilient, stronger future?

“4 TIps for Telling Your Child We Can’t Afford That” © 2020 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved. For more helpful resources on marriage and family, please visit FamilyLife.com.


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S T E P M O N E Y:G E T T I N G T O T H E H E A R T O F T H E M AT T E R

B Y R O N D E A L & D A V I D O L S O N

Everyone knows that couples have disagreements about money matters. But when you combine the practical challenges of money management with the complications of stepfamily living, money issues become volatile.

“I just don’t feel like his partner,” said Barbara. “Lloyd

controls everything and I don’t even know how much we

have, nor do I contribute to investment decisions. It’s like the

money is all his, just in case we don’t make it. It’s been that

way from day one when he asked for a prenuptial agreement.

How can I feel like his partner when I’m excluded from this

part of his life?”

Sometimes money conflicts are about values or power and

control; other times it is about fear. Barbara had access to all

the money she and her children needed, and they were well

cared for. However, in her heart, she didn’t feel that Lloyd was

completely committed to her. His unwillingness to let her

have some say in his material wealth was evidence to her of

this struggle—especially since her husband didn’t have any

problem sharing financial decisions with his first wife.

When money is paired with painIn asking for more decision-making power

regarding their money, what Barbara was really

seeking was emotional security and a permanent

commitment from her husband. Money issues

in a stepfamily marriage are sometimes paired with pain

from the past. They become a detriment to the present

marriage when negative behavioral patterns are set in place.

Underlying Lloyd’s need for a prenuptial agreement and

control over their finances was a ghost that haunted him

with distrust, insecurity, and the fear of losing control. The

only thing that kept him from growing increasingly anxious

about his future was staying in control of the money and

investments he brought into the marriage.

Besides, in his mind, his generosity toward Barbara and her

children was more than enough provision. It shouldn’t matter

to her, he thought, that her name wasn’t on the deed to the

house or cars. But it did matter to Barbara, a lot.


Overcoming fear, risking trust, choosing commitmentThe challenge for many stepcouples (per Nicole Burns 5.8.20)

is deciding whether fair will be defined through the lens of

pain or hope. If decisions are being made through the lens of

pain, then one or both will choose a path of self-preservation

(withholding assets is a way of withholding yourself). If the

decisions and the relationship are viewed through a lens

of hope, risks and an investment in the marriage are likely

taken. This requires trust.

In our book, The Smart Stepfamily Marriage, David Olson

and I review five stages of trust previously identified by

Patricia Schiff Estess (in her own book, Money Advice for Your

Successful Remarriage).

T H E 5 S TA G E S O F T R U S T

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The “Rose-colored glasses” stage

In those first romantic moments, money talk seems crass or unimportant because the strength of love “will

handle everything” (naiveté), or because couples believe there will be no money conflicts (ignorance).

The “Don’t rock the boat” stage

Feelings of resentment or anger surface. Frequently, thoughts such as Why should I resent his paying alimony? I

knew about it before we got married, or I can’t stand her cheapness when it comes to gift-giving aren’t voiced for

fear that any stress would put too much pressure on the fragile new union.

The “Lay it on the table” stage

Couples painfully express their concerns to each other, feeling it’s okay to be honest, to argue about spending

priorities, and to speak candidly about their feelings, frustrations, and fears surrounding finances. A foundation of

trust is being laid, albeit roughly.

The “Getting it together” stage

The couple has arrived at a mutually agreed upon lifestyle and has established an effective method of handling

finances and making financial decisions. This doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve commingled funds. Just that they

have agreed on contributions—both monetary contributions and contributions of time—and they have a system in

place for managing both jointly-owned and separately-owned property.

The “Achieving stability” stage

The couple reels in control of finances. Despite the ultimate instability of anyone’s financial position, they now

feel comfortable adjusting their goals or spending patterns as circumstances require. Their perspectives are

integrated. They can handle change. In addition to integrating their daily and practical financial patterns, did

you notice what else is growing beneath the surface? Trust. Each and every stage requires a choice to risk the

unknown as the two come closer in heart and mind. But eventually the choice to risk gives birth to confidence and

trust. And every couple needs that.

8 “Facing Financial Realities Together,” © 2020 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved. For more helpful resources on marriage and family, please visit FamilyLife.com.

S T E P FA M I L I E S TA K I N G A C T I O N

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C O U P L E S :Building financial integrity and trust into your relationship is a must, and so is agreeing to a system of money management. Most stepfamily couples choose one of the following:“One-pot” couples have joint ownership over all of their financial accounts (including savings and investments).

“Two-pot” couples divide monies into his and hers. Sometimes this is reflective of what each brought into the marriage or the income

each produces, and sometimes it represents the different obligations (e.g., child support to an ex-spouse) and debts each holds.

“Three-pot” couples have his, hers, and theirs accounts from which they pay shared bills and expenditures.

The system itself doesn’t seem to make a significant difference in the level of couple satisfaction. What does matter is whether you

agree on the system and share similar values about spending, saving, and how family members are provided for. Any system can

work, but it has to be agreeable to both.

PA S T O R S :More than ever, church leaders recognize the importance of biblical advice and training for couples regarding finances.

Quality programs from Crown Financial Ministries and Dave Ramsey, for example, are available for churches. However, be sure to

take the training a step further with stepfamily couples. Address issues such as alimony; child support; inheritance once a biological

parent dies; investments; which one-two-or three-pot system of money management couples will utilize; and the need to change

deeds, titles, beneficiaries to insurance, car titles, house deeds, and wills after the wedding.

Adapted from The Smart Stepfamily Marriage by Ron L. Deal and David H. Olson. Published by Bethany House, © 2010.m.



B U D G E T I N G W O R K S H E E T

Is money on your mind? In a quickly changing economy, it’s easy to let dollar signs glaze over our eyes and for our fingernails to start to shorten from anxiety-driven biting. But while we might not know what’s ahead, we know what we’ve been given. God

has made us stewards of His resources, and we need to use them wisely, in all economic states.

One of the best ways to handle the finances God gives us begins with the B word: budget. It serves as a guide into the future, even

if you need to adjust financial priorities along the way. Even Jesus asked his disciples, “For which of you, desiring to build a tower,

does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?” Luke 14:28. A complete plan is a prerequisite

for success. So take an hour with your spouse and get on the same page about your finances. Know where it’s coming from. Know

where it’s going. Fine-tune together where your real priorities lie and tailor your budget to your needs. To help you get started, here is

a basic budgeting tool for you to walk through together ;

1 Income

HUSBAND

MONTHLY ONE TIME ANNUAL TOTAL

WIFEDIVIDENDS/INTERESTGIFTSBONUSESTAX REFUNDSOTHER

TOTAL

FA M I LY B U D G E T B R E A K D O W N

2

3

Set Expenses & Obligations

Recap and Summary

TITHE

MONTHLY

MONTHLY

ONE TIME

ONE TIME

ANNUAL TOTAL

ANNUAL TOTAL

RENT OR MORTGAGESECOND MORTGAGEELECTRICITYHEAT/COOLINGTELEPHONE (NOT CELL)WATER & SEWERGARBAGECHILD CAREEDUCATION LOANSINCOME TAXPROPERTY TAXHOME INSURANCELIFE INSURANCEMED./DENTAL INSURANCEDISABILITY INSURANCEAUTO LOAN OR LEASE

TOTAL INCOME (FROM 1 ABOVE)

SAVINGS

AVAILABLE FUNDS (DEDUCT LINE 2 FROM LINE 1)

OTHER

OTHER INSTALLMENT LOANS

TOTAL SET EXPENSES (FROM 2 ABOVE)

TOTAL


4 Variable Expenses

FOOD


CLOTHINGHOUSE SUPPLIESHOUSE FURNISHINGSHOUSE MAINTENANCEANIMAL CAREAUTO FUEL/MAINTENANCEAUTO LICENSE/FEESAUTO TOLLS/PARKINGOTHER TRANSPORTATIONCELL PHONESGIFTSMEDICAL/DENTALPRESCRIPTIONSCLEANERS

MAGAZINE/NEWSPAPER

TOILETRIES

EATING OUT

HUSBAND PERSONAL CARE

DATES/ENTERTAINMENT

CABLE TV

CLUBS/ACTIVITIES

INTERNET

VACATION

OTHER

WIFE PERSONAL CARE

BABY-SITTERS


TOTAL VARIABLE EXPENSES

(FROM 2 ABOVE)

AVAILABLE FUNDS(FROM 3 RECAP)

PLUS/MINUS*

*If your plus/minus is zero in the Annual Total column, this is your family budget. If you have a plus balance, apply this amount to reducing debts or savings. If you have a minus balance, more work needs to be done on cutting variable expenses. If you still cannot reach a balanced budget, you will have to examine your set expenses to see how you might adjust your style of living to “live within your means.”


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Keep your lives free from the love of money and be

content with what you have, because God has said,

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

H E B R E W S 1 3 : 5 ( N I V )


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