heaven is paved with oreos

7/28/2019 Heaven is Paved with Oreos

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H e l l i s

p a v e d w

i t H g o o d i nt e n t i o n s

H e a v e n I s

p a v e d w i t h

O r e o s .


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2 CATHERINE GILBERT MURDOCK

Darling Sarah!

This journal is for you isnt it glorious? I saw it &thought of you instantly! Now you can record all your thoughts & your genius & your experiences-to-come!(And are you going to have experiences!) Someday,when youre a creaky sixty-three-year-old granny, youll read this & remember every one of your marvelousadventures. I am so excited! Have fun writing!

Peace forever Z

Wednesday, June 12Wow. My very own journal. What do you write in a journal? Because I dont really have marvelous adven-tures not like my grandmother Z. My grandmother Zcould have an adventure just shopping or pencils. One

time she le t her apartment to buy milk and she didntmake it home or seventy-one hours. Thats a marvelousadventure. My big adventure or today was making suremy best riend didnt throw up.

Curtis Schwenk hes my best riend is exceed-ingly shy. He does not like being the center o attention

or even the perimeter o attention. In school he nevertalks at all. I he went out to buy pencils, he would be


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HEAVEN IS PAVED WITH OREOS 3

too shy even to ask where the pencils are located andhe would go home empty-handed. A huge public thinglike graduation is not a place he would ever happily be,even i he was one o the people graduating, which he isnot because we have only fnished eighth grade.

This year, though, Curtiss older brother Win wasthe speaker at the Red Bend High School graduationceremony. Curtiss brother got intensely hurt playing

ootball last year, and now he is recovering. Crowdso people came to hear him talk about overcoming theodds and being a fghter while Curtis sat next to himonstage in a necktie looking 100% queasy. I spent the

whole speech sending Curtis morally supportive brainwaves.Then they gave out diplomas and graduation was

over. Everyone said congratulations to everyone elseeven i there was nothing to congratulate them or. Imysel got our congratulations just or standing there.

The ourth time, I congratulated the ourth person rightback and he did not even mind.For a while I lost sight o Curtis, but then I ound

him again. Curtis is actually quite easy to fnd sighto because he is so tall. He saw me and smiled a hugerelie -flled smile. Hey, he said, li ting up his hand.

We Palm Saluted. A Palm Salute is where one persontouches his or her le t palm to the other persons right


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palm. It is an amazingly antastic gesture o greeting.Curtis and I invented it. We are, I think, the only peoplein the world who do it. Curtiss hands are so big thatmy fngertips only reach his middle phalanx. (That isthe scientifc name or the middle set o bones in yourfngers. I looked it up.)

Hey, I said, smiling at him. Every time we PalmSalute, I smile. Hows Boris?

Okay, I think. I havent li ted the cover.How bads the smell?Just then Emily Friend squeezed in next to Curtis.

Note that she appeared as Curtis and I were discussing

odors. Hey, Curtis! she said with that voice she has.You looked very cool up there.Curtis did not say anything. But he quickly took his

eyes o me and instead stared at the ground. He wouldnot even share an eye roll.

Hey, Sarah. Emily always says my name as though

she is just remembering it, even though we have been inschool together since kindergarten. Did you tie Cur-tiss necktie or him? My cousin taught me how to tieties, and its very important, you know, knowing howto tie your boy riends tie . . . I you ever need anyoneto tie it or you, Curtis, I can do it. I know how. Then

she gave me a look and she le t. A look that means,I dont care what everyone says: I know the truth. Im onto you.


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Curtis kept staring at the ground. I tried to thinko what I could have said back to Emily. For example:Curtis and I would rather hang out with a dead calf thanwith you. Or Your name is Emily Friend, but youre re-ally Emily Enemy. But neither o these responses wouldwork. No response works i you only think it up a terthe person has already le t.

Finally I said, So . . . Library? Tomorrow?Curtis nodded. A ter practice. He looked like

he wanted to say something else, but I waited and hedidnt. Mom was talking to Curtiss sister, D.J. prob-ably saying congratulations because there werent any

graduates nearby to say it to. Paul stood behind Momlooking dazed. My brother is a little obsessed with Cur-tiss sister. He has articles about D.J. Schwenk playingboys ootball and girls basketball taped all over the in-side o his closet. He is 100% in awe o her.

Then Curtis went o with D.J., and I went o with

Mom and Paul, and Mom said Emily seemed nice be-cause Mom = clueless. Dad was home rom work bythe time we got there. He asked about graduation.In three more years, Dad said to Paul, that will beyou. He clinked his slice o pizza against Pauls, likepeople in movies do with champagne. And heres to

our more years or Sarah, he added, and clinked hispizza with me. Four years! Thats how long it is un-til my very own high school graduation. I am worried


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about high school, but not too worried. Curtis will bethere.

Z is coming or supper tomorrow night thatswhy Im writing now. She will be immensely thrilledwith my journaling. She will say that watching gradua-tion is an adventure too. Good night!

Thursday, June 13

Today Ill write until Curtiss baseball practice endsand the library opens and we can go work on Boris.

Its either write or listen to Paul practice guitar. I have< 0.00% interest in that.Curtis Schwenk and I didnt used to be best riends.

We were always in the same grade, but we moved indi erent circles because he is exceptionally athletic andI am exceptionally not. You could say Curtis moved in

circles and I moved in uncoordinated blobs.Then one day at recess in seventh grade I ound adead robin. I should have ignored it, because wheneverI pay attention to things like that, it always ends badly.Which happened this time too. I was not even touchingthe robin but only studying it when three boys came by.

Thats disgusting! said Brett Ortlieb. Kick it!I tried to stop them, because nothing that was once


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alive should be kicked, but my blocking them only madethem try harder while Emily Enemy and her riendsmade grossed-out expressions at me.

Thats when Curtis showed up. He was the tallestkid in school even in seventh grade. All o a sudden hewas leaning over Brett and staring at him. Stop, hesaid. One word.

Its a dead bird! Brett said. Its disgusting.Curtis didnt say anything, but he clenched his fsts.

Even i you were looking only at his ace, you could seethe clenching. He stared at Brett, and Brett stared backuntil fnally Brett muttered whatever, and he and his

riends walked away.I stood there. So did Curtis. At last I said, I wastrying to fgure out how it died.

Curtis studied me like he thought I was teasing him.Then he pointed to the gym windows. They were shinyand high bird high. The robin must have own into

the window and broken its neck.Oh, I said. I should have fgured that out.At that moment the bell rang and we had to go in-

side. Curtis was late, though, I noticed. He didnt showup until ten minutes into class. Out o the corner o myeye I watched him sit down. He was holding something

longish, with dirt stuck to one end. It was a ruler, I couldsee fnally. He slipped it into his backpack.


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Curtis had buried the robin. He had dug a hole witha ruler and buried it. Which is exactly what I would havedone . . . but I never would have been brave enough tobe late to class or swipe a ruler to do it.

I was so impressed by all this that I did not thinkabout anything else or the entire rest o the day.

A ew weeks later, Curtis and I ended up partners ora big project on the scientifc elements. We picked hy-drogen because it is number 1 (that is a chemistry joke).Curtis brought in pictures o the Hindenburg, which is a

amous zeppelin rom the 1930s that caught fre becauseit was flled with hydrogen, which burns extremely eas-

ily. When hydrogen burns, it turns into water and yetthe water doesnt put the fre out! Even as Curtis wasshowing me the pictures and talking about it, he was soshy that he kept stopping, and I was so psyched abouthis pictures that he looked like he thought I was teasing.Then he was pleased. He tried to hide it, but I could tell.

Our display was amazing. I will not lie. We hadmodels o hydrogen and H2 (because hydrogen likes be-ing in pairs) and H20 (water) and H 202 (hydrogen per-oxide), and video o the Hindenburg burning, and the

ormula H2 (hydrogen) + O 2 (oxygen) = H20 (water)+ O (oxygen) + heat (burning zeppelin) . Our project

was so amazing that a high school teacher told us weshould make something or the science air. So last year


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we made Desiccation and Its E ects using dried ratsrom Curtiss amilys arm, and we came in third in the

state! Also we started going out.Now we are preparing or the high school state

science air, which is a much bigger deal because wewill be only lowly reshmen. Our project is SkeletalTaxidermy and Bovine Osteology: The Process o Dis-covery. We are assembling the skeleton o a cal romSchwenk Farm that was born dead. Out o respect wehave named him Boris, and we have put him in a burialchamber with lots o dirt over him or the worms andants and other decay-positive li e orms, and a cover on

top o the burial chamber so coyotes dont get to him,and now we are waiting or nature to do her work andeat up everything but the bones. It will take about twomonths, we think. In the meantime we are making therest o the exhibit.

I am extremely certain Emily could never prepare

a cal skeleton. I am not so certain that Curtis thinksthats a bad thing.

Thursday, June 13 LATER

Curtis and I work at the Red Bend Library. The chil-drens librarian likes me because I try to read every


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book in the kids section, so we get to use a For LibraryUse Only room that is closed to the public because itdoes not have exit signs.

Today we spent two hours talking about which pic-tures to use in the science air display and what the textblocks should say. We had our usual discussion aboutwhat is scientifc versus what is gross, which both o ushave a problem with. We tend not to notice the gross-ness. Is it gross to have a be ore photograph o poorlittle Boris? We are not sure.

At one point Curtis said, What would Emily Friendthink?

I know he was only bringing up someone who isthe opposite o scientifc, and I tried not to mind thathe used her when there are so many other people toname . . . But I will be honest and say that it hurt my

eelings. Because or one thing, Emily fnds everythinggross, particularly everything related to me, and also she

is Emily Enemy.It did not help that a ter we fnished and put ourpapers away and walked back to my house, we passedEmily Enemy hersel with several other kids hangingout on the bench or the cool kids (= kids who thinktheyre cool). Emily was sitting on one boys lap with

her legs on another boys lap, and she said hello to Cur-tis but not a word to me. Actually, that is not true: she


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said, You two are very cute together! But she laughedwhen she said it.

We did not laugh. Curtis scowled at the ground, andI wanted to say how not every girl needs to lie acrosstwo boys just to show shes popular. I wish I could beather at chess and make that the end o it. Is everyone inhigh school going to be like Emily?

Curtis and I did not say anything else or the rest o the walk.

When we got to my house, Curtiss sisters car wasparked in ront o our sidewalk. She wasnt in the car,though. The only person visible was my brother, who

was on our ront steps looking 100% miserable.Wow, I said. Whats wrong? Curtis went overto the garage and started shooting baskets. Curtis doesnot like whats wrong? conversations.

Paul looked at me with crazy wide-open eyes. Youknow those guitar lessons Z set up? Mom hired her to

drive me to Prophetstown! He grabbed my arm. D.J.Schwenk!D.J. Schwenk is driving to Prophetstown? Proph-

etstown is where Z lives.Shes got some basketball thing there . . . Help me,

Sarah. I cant sit in a car with D.J. Schwenk.

I wanted to be sympathetic Paul looked so up-set! but I could not help being reasonable. Reason-


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ableness is the byproduct o a scientifc mind. Paul,Prophetstown is, like, orty-fve minutes away. I Momdrives, thats an hour and a hal twice a week

Plus dog walking, Paul added. Z wants me towalk Jack Russell George.

Jack Russell George? Paul doesnt even like JackRussell George!

Trust me, I dont want the money Youre getting paid to walk Jack Russell George?

Walking Jack Russell George would be such a great jobor someone who loves dogs (= me)! Its not like I have

anything better to do this summer all Im doing is

reading and baby-sitting and waiting or Boris to decay.That is so un air! Im the one who should be walkinghim

Suddenly I stopped talking because a antastic ideacame into my head and rom the expression on his

ace I could see that the same antastic idea came into

Pauls head too. We looked at each other. Couldyou ? Paul asked, just as I said, I could Wewent inside.

There was D.J. Schwenk in our kitchen, sitting inDads chair with a pop and a bowl o ice cream and talk-ing about a basketball club shes playing in or this sum-

mer. Mom was listening while also reading the cookbookZ gave her on wheat- ree desserts. Mom seemed a lotmore interested in D.J. than in the cookbook.


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Paul saw D.J. and stopped short. I did too. Curtisssister is exceedingly intimidating. I mean, she is a niceperson nice to me and nice to Curtis, and last yearwhen Paul was a reshman and some kid was pickingon him, she beat that kid up with one hand. Thats thething: she is nice, but she is tough. She is so tough thatshe plays varsity ootball with boys. She was MVP atthe girls basketball state tournament this year and al-ready has a ull scholarship to play basketball at theUniversity o Minnesota, even though she still has ayear o high school le t. When she walks onto a basket-ball court, she looks like a lion picking out which zebra

to eat or dinner.D.J. saw us and grinned. Hi, Sarah. Hey, Paul. Howare ya?

Hi, D.J., Paul said with enormous e ort. Um,Sarah, can you, um, ask them . . . ?

Hey, D.J. Hey, Mom. Um, what would you think

what i I walked Jack Russell George?So she could ride to Prophetstown with me and Paul made a strangling sound D.J.?

Huh, Mom said. She rowned in a not-a-bad-ideakind o way. D.J., you okay taking Sarah, too? Oh,cripes, I dont have oat our.

D.J. smiled. You can tell she likes Paul. Cars goingto the same place . . . But youre not going to talk aboutthat cal , are you?


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I shook my head. Curtis and I have learned thathardly any people share our thirst or knowledge whenit comes to dead things.

Now I get to go to Prophetstown and walk JackRussell George!

Prophetstown is hugely di erent rom Red Bend. Ithas art galleries and yoga and a cool hippie restaurantcalled Harmony Co ee where you can sit or hourswithout ordering anything and a street named a terLaura Ingalls Wilder, who was born nearby. I know allthis because Z works at the Sun & Moon Art Galleryand at Little House Yoga and at Harmony Co ee on

Laura Ingalls Wilder Avenue. Prophetstown is as di -erent rom Red Bend as a town can get and still be inWisconsin.

The other thing Prophetstown has is music. Allyear long it has concerts and per ormances and esti-vals. Z loves this because she is a li elong lover o any-

thing musical, especially anything rom the 1960s and1970s, when all the best songs in the world were cre-ated, according to her. Other music-loving people livein Prophetstown too, including a man with a long grayponytail who used to play with amous musicians inCali ornia. He and Z are riends, and so he has o ered

Paul music lessons. For free. Which is an enormouslylarge deal because lessons are expensive and money does


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not grow in cans (that is a amily joke). Paul is also intomusic, and all day long he is either practicing or listen-ing. When he is doing his music, he is so ocused that hecannot even hear people calling his name. We say he ison Planet Paul.

I have to go set the table because Z is coming! Icannot wait to show her this journal and tell her ourplan. This summer could not get any better!

Thursday, June 13 LATER

OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. And I nor-mally do not say those letters, even though when I sayOMG, I mean oh my gosh and not oh my the-other-one.

Remember how Z sent me this journal to writeabout my marvelous adventures and experiences-to-

come? Well, now I know what she was talking about.OMG.Okay, I will slow down a little as Dad says some-

times when I am talking, and I will try to explain whathappened.

Z came to supper tonight. Z coming to supper is

an adventure in and o itsel because she calls everyonedarling and brings crazy not-at-all-like-a-grandmother


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gi ts like a dead branch she thinks is beauti ul or a booko nude portraits (!) or earrings she made hersel that shesaid shed pierce my ears with in a special ceremony. Zis always on a special diet such as eating only one color

ood each day o the week. Or only eating ood that israw. She has been every kind o vegetarian, including thekind that doesnt even eat honey. Sometimes she bringsus organic potato chips or organic chocolate-coveredpeanuts. Youd think organic would mean healthy,but thats not necessarily true in Zs case.

Lately Z does not eat anything made with wheat.She says the hardest part was giving up Oreos, but they

are made with wheat our, so even though they areabsolutely delicious and per ect, theyre out. I I everstopped eating wheat, I would make a rule that I couldonly be 99% wheatless. The last 1% I would leave orOreos.

Mom reads all the labels extra closely but she still

usually gets something wrong. She has a glass o wineready whenever Z comes, just in case. Wine or hersel .Hello, darlings! Z said when she arrived tonight.

She gave us hugs that she says fll the universe withgood karma and told Dad again that he is saving theworld. Dad is an engineer in a actory that cans beans

and corn and potatoes. During summer harvest, heworks every day, seven days a week, because thats how


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ast the crops come in. Right now hes making sure themachines work, because beans start soon and then allcanning heck will break loose.

Z picked up the wheat- ree cookbook. Oh, arentyou wonder ul! . . . Did I orget to tell you that Imback with wheat?

There was a bit o a silence. Mom smiled brightlyand reached or her wine.

Now Z can eat Oreos again!At dinner, Z told her avorite story about dancing

in St. Peters Square in Rome. Ive heard the story onehundred times (almost literally), but I still love it.

When Z was in college, she went to Italy on an art-studying trip, and while she was in Rome she visited aamous church called St. Peters that has an open space

in ront with huge rows o columns like two arms. Theybuilt the columns on purpose to make the church looklike it was hugging the whole world. Z has a drawing o

St. Peters Square hanging in her bedroom, and trust me,the hug eeling is extremely clear. It is called a squareeven though it is hug shaped.

When Z saw St. Peters Square in real li e, back whenshe was in college, she got so excited that she held outher arms to match the shape o the column hugs, and

without warning an old Italian man came up and starteddancing with her. Zs riends were totally shocked. Z


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just laughed, though, and went along with the old man,twirling around the square. The only words she couldunderstand him saying were bellissima and amore. Bellissima means very beauti ul and amore meanslove. Then they fnished and he bowed to her and thatwas it. The whole thing took less than a minute. Thatswhy Z bought the drawing o St. Peters Square soshe can always remember.

When I was little, Id imagine Z as one o the littlefgures in the drawing, even though the drawing is romhundreds o years ago. Z would tell me the story, andthen shed hold out her arms and have me dance with

her. The only problem was that I was terrible at danc-ing. Wed always all down laughing on her bed. Maybethats why I like the story so much, because it alwaysreminds me o giggling with Z.

Anyway, Z told the story again tonight and we alllaughed, and then Z laid down her ork. I . . . I need to

do it again.Mom and Dad shared a glance.Dance with an old man? Paul asked.That trip to Rome . . . it was a pilgrimage, you

know.Mom made a little sound under her breath.

It was! Z said. It was not I admit a religiouspilgrimage, but I was ollowing in the ootsteps o thou-


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sands o years o pilgrims. I intended to visit all sevenpilgrimage churches, and I ailed.

Z has told me this story too. Rome has seven churchesthat are particularly important, and when Z was myage she read a book about pilgrims visiting those sevenchurches, so when she was in Rome, she tried to do ittoo. But she ran out o time. She only made it to six o them. This isnt like the dancing-in-St.-Peters-Squarestory. This story makes Z sad. She doesnt tell it much.

Im going to do it right this time, Z said. Imturning sixty- our this summer. I would like to recon-nect with God.

Mom cleared her throat. You know, Z, Im prettysure God is everywhere. You could probably connectwith God in our living room.

Dad chuckled, but Z waved this away. God hasbeen in Rome or two thousand years. Well have a bet-ter conversation there, God and me. I need to apolo-

gize.For the pilgrimage? I asked. Ive always elt badabout how Z never made it to that seventh church. It

eels like a jigsaw puzzle with one piece missing. A cor-ner piece.

Z nodded, kind o .

Well, Dad said at last. It sounds like a greattrip


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Theres one other thing, Z said. Id like to takeSarah with me.

BOOM. (That is the sound o all heck breakingloose. Although it broke quietly at frst.)

Everyone stared at Z.Then they stared at me.Then we stared at Mom and Dad.We even looked at Paul.Mom cleared her throat again. Now just a second.

Your trip thats fne. Do what you want. But this is aoreign country were talking about. Sarahs only our-

teen. Im not sure youre the best . . . chaperone . . .

Mom shot Dad a look.So Dad asked what Z was thinking timewise, and Zsaid wed be leaving July 10 and returning July 17.

Youve already bought the tickets? Mom asked ina coolish voice.

The price was right. And just so you know

theyre nonre undable. Not that it matters . . .BOOM.Mom stared at her plate. I dont know what Dad and

Z were doing because I was so busy watching Mom. Ido know that Paul was gone, though. I hadnt even no-ticed him leaving.

Finally Dad said this sure was interesting and we allneeded some time and he knew itd work out in the end.Mom, on the other hand, said or me to go to my room.


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So here I am.Rome.ROME!Rome is such a amous and important city its the

capital o Italy and head o the Catholic Church o theworld. I would get to see those seven churches and St.Peters Square (although I do not want anyone dancingwith me!). I would get to be a pilgrim not the Thanks-giving kind but the super-old- ashioned kind like theones in Zs drawing. I would be part o history.

So those are pluses. But Mom is right too. Rome isin a oreign country on the other side o the globe. They

dont speak English, and who knows what we wouldeat. I know the Italians invented pizza, but that doesntmean that Italian pizza is any good; a lot o pizza isnt. Zsays Italian ice cream is deliciously wonder ul, but I amsuspicious. I do not like most American ice cream a-vors. And what i the plane crashes? Rome is thousands

and thousands o miles away. Thats a lot o miles tocrash in. And what i someone tries to dance with me? Ido not know how to say, Im a terrible dancer in Italian.I do not know how to say, But you could dance with my grandmother because she loves adventures. Im not surepeople even say that in Italian.

I am extremely worried about everything I have justlisted plus all the other terrible things I do not even knowto list yet. But Im most worried about Curtis. Because


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all the things I listed are things Curtis will worry abouttoo. He will worry about them ten times more than me.He will worry 10x2 (= ten times squared).

heaven is paved with oreos

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