how do you deal with inner conflict

7/27/2019 How Do You Deal With Inner Conflict

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How Do You Deal with Inner Conflict?

ByLinda Adams, President of GTI

Most people dread conflictthey experience it as uncomfortable and stressful, something to

fear. As a result, we learn to avoid, suppress or withdraw from conflict or even act as

though it doesnt exist. Rarely do we choose to see the existence of conflict as positive and

see that it presents an opportunity for us to move forward if only we are willing to face it

and deal with it effectively.

Sooner or later, most of us come to grips with the fact that conflict is inevitable, both within

ourselves and in our relationships with othersat work, at home, everywhere.

Not only is conflict inevitable, dealing with it effectively is essential if we are to live up to

our capabilities. Conflict causes us to examine issues more carefully and challenges us to

develop creative responses and solutions. In fact, conflict is the root of changebe it

personal, relational or social.

Usually, when we think of being in conflict, its between peoplebetween us and our boss or

co-worker or spouse or child. But even more often, we experience personal, inner conflict

within ourselves. Simply put, inner conflict is when youre battling with yourself. These are

the frequent daily inner contradictions that we all experience whether or not we are

conscious of them. This kind of conflict arises every time youre faced with making a

decision and generally involves a struggle between doing what you think you ought to do

and being your true self. Sometimes we see these conflicts as insignificant. Heres an

example a friend shared with me yesterday just after a job interview. He came away excited

and energized by his meeting with the President and felt hed like to work in that company.

His quandary was whether to send a note of thanks and mail it right away or wait a day or

two so as not to appear too eager or desperate. After vacillating back and forth betweenthose two options, he acted on his authentic response which was to send the note right

away and as a result felt relieved and calm, knowing that his values and behavior were in

sync.

What Are the Signs That Let You Know Youre in Conflict?
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Usually, you experience a vague awareness that something is wrong, a feeling of

discomfort, stress or agitation. Often, you feel this discomfort in your bodyin your stomach

or chest. The problem is that many times, we dont pay attention to this discomfort and in

other cases, we consciously suppress it. As we know all too well, ignoring, avoiding,

suppressing or denying inner conflict when it occurs does not mean that it goes away. In

fact, we use a great deal of energy to suppress itto not deal with itenergy which then

cannot be put to constructive use. Not only that, but failure to face conflict when it arises

and deal with it effectively means that we stay stuck and mired in the problemdebilitated

theres no improvement or expansion or true relief or resolution.

And too often, we resolve the inner conflict by making a decision to do what we ought to

do instead of what we truly want to do. When we consistently ignore or suppress our true

values or needs and opt to make a safe or politically correct decision, we get increasingly

disconnected from our authentic selves. As a result, it becomes more difficult to know what

our real needs are.

If you do nothing else after reading this, take notice of any vague feelings of discomfort or

agitation that you experience today and consciously trace them to their source. Dont

discount them, however insignificant they may seem. Pay careful attention to them. Try to

zero in on whats causing you to feel uncomfortable. The cause could be a decision youve

been putting off or a risk youre trying to talk yourself out of taking or perhaps its

continuing to go along with a situation thats no longer acceptable to you. Whatever the

content of these inner conflicts, acknowledge their existence. Its in these momentswhich

occur oftenthat you have the opportunity to get in touch with what your core values and

needs are.

When we can summon the courage to allow ourselves to acknowledge and experience these

inner conflicts and then have the courage to act in alignment with what we truly believe,

the more enriched and fulfilling our lives will becomeboth at work and at home. The

manifestations are a sense of clarity, relief, comfort, expansion, vitalityeven exhilaration.

Resolving Your Inner Conflicts


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Written by Sen on October 3rd, 2011

Are there are times when you behave in a manner that feels completely contradictory to

what you want yourself to be? Do you feel that there is a lack of consistency in your

behavior/attitude which makes you feel unpredictable about yourself in that you are notreally able to find a stability within you? People who find peace within themselves are the

ones who find a sense of stability in who they are their mindset is not one that is

wavering and volatile all the time, but one that has a consistency in its movement. Also

from the perspective of creating your desired reality, a consistent mind (or a consistent

vibration of thought) is a powerful force, while a scattered mind has a very weak/counter-

productive effect. A person who has a scattered or unpredictable behavior is usually the one

who has a lot of inner conflicts that have not been resolved, thus lacking a congruent inner

space.

Behavior patterns of a person with inner conflicts

A conflict simply means that the mind is confused between are multiple

perspectives/inclinations and is not able fixate on a singular vibration of thought. A

person who has a lot of inner conflicts would usually exhibit the below behaviors

- Is usually easily influenced by the opinions and point-of-views of others

- Feels guilt/shame about some natural drives/impulses in oneself

- Finds it difficult to make decisions and is always doubtful about the decisions made

- Finds oneself attracting dysfunctional relationships that are rife with conflicts with no

sense of harmony

- Feels no sense of stability in oneself and is highly volatile when faced with a challenge

- Is constantly seeking support from others due to lack of conviction in ones own self

- Feels sudden changes in moods and personality

- Is highly uncertain about what he/she really wants/desires from life in the realm of

finances, relationship and lifestyle


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- Is usually trying to distract oneself from having to face the conflicts within distractions

are usually in the form of entertainment, relief inducing chemicals (alcohol, drugs), escape-

oriented spirituality, ambiguous work etc

Its easy to identify if your inner space has a conflicted vibrations in it because your life

situation will create ample realities where you would see these conflic ts coming to the

surface again and again. If there are areas in your life that are rife with stress, un-

fulfillment and disharmony (whether it be in your relationship, health, career or finances),

they are just mirrors indicating the presence of conflicted vibrations within you.

Bringing awareness to the conflicts is the start of its dissolution

It may not be very comfortable or pleasant to bring the light of awareness to the conflicts

present in oneself. It feels much easier to just distract oneself from having to face it, and

hope that it gets diffused on its own. But the more you try to run away from facing the

conflicts in you, the more you will be at the mercy a fluctuating mindset. If you want to a

harmonious mind, with a stability in your being, its imperative to dissolve conflicted

vibrations within you. Nothing can really change unless a conscious awareness is brought

to the fore.

Just a deep awareness of the conflicts within is enough to start its dissolution, because

awareness brings a deep intelligence into place on its own. Be willing to allow your

consciousness to touch the conflicts within you, without shying away from it or fearing it. It

may feel unpleasant to sense the energy of the conflicted vibrations in you, but dont let this

temporary discomfort cause you to turn away from facing it with your awareness. Its

helpful to be in a silent space, by yourself, while you bring in this awareness, so that mind

is not distracted from outside influences.

Here are a few pointers to help see through the causes of the conflicted thought patterns

- What you really desire conflicts with what your mind thinks as the required reality

because of the fear/lack based conditioning in the mindlet go of the lack based belief and

you will be able to harmonize with your true desire.


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- If there is a conflict in your behavior its always because the mind is reacting from a place

of fear instead of being grounded in a place of trust in life. Develop the courage to stand

true to your integrity and stop allowing the mind to drag you down to a lower behavior.

- Realize that you have to do nothing that you dont want to do to manifest your desired

reality. You just need to follow your joy/inspiration/passion and you will be on the path

towards manifesting it. When you live with the mindset of needing to do things (which is

basically a lack-based thought), you will always feels conflicted within your true self.

- Find out who you really are as a person and get a clear picture of the personality that is

you. Any behavior/thinking-pattern that does not fit in with this personality is in conflict

with it and hence needs to be dis-identified with fully. When you really know who you are

as a person, its not possible to have conflicted behaviors.

The resolution of conflicted vibrations in oneself results in the creation of a harmonious

energy space, which allows for a consistent mindset and thus creates a powerful force

towards the creation of your desired reality. It can take time to dissolve the energy of all

the conflicted vibrations (may be a few months) in you, but this time that you invest in

yourself will bring in rich dividends because a harmonious inner space always results in the

manifestation of a harmonious external reality thus bringing in well-being and abundance

in all the aspects of your life.

How to deal with internal conflict

By M.Farouk Radwan, MSc.

Miscellaneous 2

Signs of an internal conflict, when two parts of your brain fight together

Ever found yourself unable to sleep because two parts of your brain were fighting together?

Ever had a serious internal conflict in your mind?

Are you loaded withguilt,stress, shame or any other unbearable emotion??

An internal conflict happens when one part of you disagrees with what the other part is

doing. such feelings usually result in very high levels of discomfort to the extent that you

might believe that you are becoming mad.
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So what are the signs of an internal conflict?

Restlessness,over thinking, being unable to relax and having trouble falling asleep are all

signs of an internal conflict that is going on in your mind.

How to deal with an internal conflict

Because an internal conflict usually results in unbearable emotions its extremely important

that you learn how to end it.

Here is what you need to do to end inner conflicts:

1) Don't push away annoying thoughts: If you have an internal conflict theneach now and then you will get really annoying and irritating thoughts especially

during the times you are trying to relax at. Pushing away those thoughts will only

make them more intense. Just let your subconsciousness mindknow you received

the message so that it stops bothering you with it. Think of the possibilities, the

options you have and possible ways to get out of this mess instead of pushing those

thoughts away. (See alsoHow do people escape from reality)

2) Don't violate your values: One major source of such internal conflicts is theviolation of your own values. When you move against what you believe in your

subconscious mindwill do its best to bring you back to the right track and as a result

your mind will start fighting itself. Do your best to stick to what you believe in and if

it happened that you violated any of your values just make sure you don't do the

same mistake again. The internal conflict usually happens when there is constant

violation of values almost everyday and not when a small mistake happens

3) Do what you are supposed to do: The other major source of internal conflictsis escaping from the tasks you are supposed to do. Your beliefs, goals and values will

always imply that you act in a certain way. Failure to keep up to the expectations

you have of yourself or procrastinating instead of taking actions always results in

serious internal conflicts

4) Write the conflict down: One of the best ways of unloading unwanted emotionsfrom your brain is to write them down. When you write down your thoughts you will

feel as if you dumped your emotions on the paper. In addition to the relief you will

get you will also get much moreself understandingthat will help you figure out the
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best method you need to use in order to resolve that conflict (see alsoThis is why you

should write a plan)

5) Always be time conscious: When you get older or pass from one major lifephase to another (for example moving from school to college or college to work) you

will always find yourself measuring your progress in life with your peers. Now if you

were prepared for that moment by having a plan that you are following then most

probably you wont get affected but if you weren't prepared then you will get an

internal conflict whenever you move on to a new phase in your life (see alsoWhy are

some people afraid to grow up)

How i resolved a serious internal conflict

Sometimes you might need to take serious actions in order to resolve an internal conflict. If

for example you hate to take orders then certainly working for someone will let you live

with an internal conflict because a part of you would want the job while another part of you

would want you toquit the job.

In such a case if you can't quit your job you need to start your own business in parallel to

the job. This is what i did when i was suffering because of my day job. I just had to start my

business and within few month i started to feel more relaxed because i felt that there is a

way out for me.

In other words, a serious action can resolve most internal conflicts even if the main problem

wasn't solved yet. I felt way better long before i left my job because of the actions i took.

The bookThe ultimate guide to getting over depression was released by 2knowmself, the

book provides a 100% guarantee for feeling better else you will be refunded. 2knowmysef is

not a complicated medical website nor a boring online encyclopedia but rather a place

where you will find simple, to the point and effective information that is backed bypsychology and presented in a simple way that you can understand and apply. If you think

that this is some kind of marketing hype then see

Dealing with Conflict: Knowing When the Battle Is Internal

BySarah Louise Gess
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When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. ~African

Proverb

Sometimes, we all need to ascertain whether were inadvertently contributing to thestruggles and challenges we face.

When we have to deal with a tough issue, it can be hard to decipher whether it is truly an

objective problem, or if we have (at least some) subconscious ownership of it.

This is especially hard since the biggest challenges in our lives are typically intricate and

complex. Human nature leads us to believe that other people are at fault when we

experience conflict, that we have been wronged.

If we look closely, well see that our actions and reactions are useful tools, as they provide

insight into our own perceptions and can fuel personal growth and development.


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I am a glass-half-full person. I operate under the belief that the more I take care

of myself, my life, and my own happiness, the more I can give to others, especially

my loved ones.

But recently I hit a wall. It entailed a series of events over a two-week period when every

part of my life seemed to be straining under the presence of a dark, erratic storm.

I had been very busy in my job and had stopped enjoying it. My relationships with my

colleagues had become so tense that I was close to jumping ship. My patience had

practically disappeared, leading tostressandanxiety.

I was struggling to keep my (sometimes) short temper in check. Even when dealing with

small challenges, I was seeing red at every opportunity. I was arguing with my partner,

interpreting his every move as a threat to my already delicate and vulnerable state of mind.

What was wrong? Put simply, I just wasnt right. There I was, brought to my knees by an

emotional hurricane charging through my life and everything in its path, and I just couldnt

understand why.

Was it a twisted coincidence that all the areas of my life were simultaneously

conspiring against me? Was life simply testing my patience, strength, and

resilience? Or was there something personal going on?

After avoidance, quiet contemplation, and then much careful thought, I had an epiphany

the kind of realization that completely floors you, a eureka moment, if you will.

The wall I faced was actually a mirror. It forced me to confront things that I had been

ignoring. I had stopped doing the things that I love, the things that keep me strong.

Basically, I was in need of emotional, mental, and spiritual TLC.

I had outwardly projected my internal struggle onto my surrounding world, and it was

being reflected right back at me, compelling me to noticerefusing to let me bury my head

in the sand for the umpteenth time.
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Because I had tunnel vision regarding my external difficulties, I couldnt see the

real source of conflict: I had neglected to nurture my core. Even though I did this

for a brief period of time, this still affected me in a profound way.

We all have different levels of holistic care and maintenance. Mine happens to be high.

I love being independent,spending quality time alone, enjoying and exploring my creative

strengths, connecting with my loved ones, living life fully and joyfully, andappreciating the

small thingsthat make me happy every single day.

But during this particular time, I settled for a poor level of emotional holistic care.

Realizing this reminded me how delicate and vulnerable each of us can become when we

forget about ourselves and our needs.

When daily life and all its trappings take over, we can sometimes lose ourselves and neglect

to do the things that help keep us strongand that can lead to conflict all around us.

If youre struggling with various challenges and wondering if the root may be

something internal, these tips may help you find out:

1. Be brutally honest with yourself.This is hard.Its the kind of honest that is scary, but ultimately liberating. This will help

set you free from blinkered thinking and open your mind to new perspectives on what you

are really dealing with.

Try writing down your feelings. Have a brainstorming session and write down anything

that pops into your mind. You might even be surprised by what comes up.

This is a great opportunity to really explore and process your emotions. This freestyle

approach can help lead you to identifying what is really troubling you.

2. Ask yourself: What is my mirror showing me?

Is this immediate problem really the issue, or does it highlight something else that you

need to pay attention to?
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This is built on the previous step of honesty. Take a good look at that mirror and dont let

fear prevent you from receiving its message. Have an open heart and mind, and welcome

the opportunity to learn from this experience and grow into a stronger, more aware person.

Of course, there will be times when the problem does not reflect any internal struggle or

conflict. Youll only know if you get radically honest with yourself.

3. Ascertain your ideal holistic care and maintenance level.

This is very important. What do you need every day to support you in being the best person

that you can possibly be?This is different for everyone, and yours will be as unique and

individual as you are.

Try making a list of things that you love doing every day, which support you in being a

strong, empowered, present, happy person.

These things dont have to be grand or fancy. They can be anything that reminds you who

you are, why you are amazing, and why you love yourself. For example: being a great

parent, appreciating the great outdoors, or indulging in your hobbies. Extend your list when

you discover something new.

We all strive for peace, purpose, and happiness in our own unique ways, and this is

something we must never lose sight of.

At the end of every day, if we have lived in accordance with our personal beliefs and

principles, taken care of our emotional needs, and nurtured our hearts, minds, and souls,

there is little room left for conflict or struggle.

Inner Conflict destoys YOUR Self Confidence

Commitment! By making a decision and sticking to it no matter what and stayingcommitted without letting unwanted thoughts drift into your mind you will be able to deal

with any obstacle in your way. Inner conflict only creates indecisiveness and an open

invitation to stress and losing confidence in ourselves and our abilities.
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While we all have these conflicts at one time or another it is important that we know how to

deal with them. Finding ways to resolve them and move forward with a positive, healthy

outlook. By resolving our inner conflicts we are able to vastly improve our Self-Esteem.

Allowing ourselves to focus, be less stressed and listen to our inner voice. If we listen to our

inner voice it will guide us into making correct choices and decisions, assisting us to gain

total control over our lives. Enabling us to manage and achieve goals that we have set out

in life, thus, creating a healthier, more relaxed and happier future.

Inner conflicts play havoc with our emotions, leading low Self-Esteem, low Self-Confidence

and depression. It is imperative that we rid ourselves of inner conflicts when they arise and

not to let them fester in our minds. Inner conflicts can develop in different ways. It may

stem from indecisiveness or deep-seated feelings stemming from unresolved issues in your

life. They could even stem back from things that happened in your childhood. After all, the

person you are now is the result of all your lifes experiences. It could be that instead of

dealing with the unresolved issues you may have built up a wall and kept your feelings in

rather than facing them and dealing with them at the time they occurred. It is essential

that you break down the walls youve created and bring these feelings and issues out into

the open, dealing with them now before they limit your life any longer. In order to overcome

unresolved issues and inner conflicts I encourage you to practice the following:

Let go of the past. What good is it hanging onto the past. It absolutely gets younowhere. Your presentyour future is all being wasted whilst you continue to stay

in your past. This includes your past beliefs, old habits and emotions. Find out the

New you! The new and wonderful, liberated you!

Believe in yourself. Realize that you are capable of breaking the chains that bindyou! You can become the person you truly want to be!

Become No. 1. Learn to become focused and centred on yourself. Find out whatstresses you out and why.

Forgive and Forget. Forgive others for any hurt they may have caused you in yourpast. Youre not blameless. You too have hurt others and would like others to forgive


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you right. Let go of any feelings of resentment you may harbour for others. Its

only you youre hurting. Free yourself from those debilitating thoughts.

Visualizing the new you. See yourself as the person you always dreamed youcould be. The more confident, happy and successful person you only envied in others.

If you need to Fake it till you make it!. It WILL manifest if you continue

visualizing this.

Again, there are many courses, self-help books, DVDS and audio CDS which can help you to

overcome past unresolved issues, overcoming and dealing with inner conflicts. However

there is no magical cure. It will take time before you start to resolve these issues and start

seeing results. Once you do you will have a better way of coping and dealing with life. While

change for some of us will occur merely by using self-help methods others may get more

benefit from attending meeting groups, or seeing a therapist in the early stages. It is

important to realize however that you can change and only you can do it, whichever method

you choose to take to get you there. It all basically comes down to the same thing, changing

your way of thinking and in turn feeling.

Linda - Luvlife2day.com

What is the right side?


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My beautiful daughter

Liberate youself from your Fears & Phobias.

Fears and phobias are something which can have an effect on all of us to some extent. We

all have things we try to avoid or are nervous in doing. Some fears are more dislikes than

actually phobias. However, to some their fears are very real and very debilitating. Fears

and phobias can be severely distressing and have a huge impact on peoples day -to-day

lives. Holding them back from not only achieving success in life but in limiting them from

achieving the basic things in life. This could be catching a bus, going shopping, flying or

many other things that those without fears all take for granted every day.


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you keep the money? Imagine you see your friend cheating on a test in class. Do you tell the

teacher, or, out of loyalty to your friend, pretend you don't see?

Inner conflict arises when we must either choose between two conflicting loyalties (loyalty

to friends versus loyalty to honesty) or choose to do the right thing when it is more

comfortable not to. Either way, the best choice is not always obvious, and while we are in

the process of making it, we experience inner conflict.

Some inner conflicts occur when we find ourselves having to choose between two desires

one of a more selfish nature, the other of a more unselfish nature. You, for example, really

want to go out with your friends, but your mother has asked you to take care of your little

brother for the evening. It may be very hard to choose to do the unselfish thing. The reward

is: you will probably feel a lot better about everything once you do choose to be unselfish.

Some kind of good fortune and happiness will come your way because you did.

Inner conflict that comes when you did something wrong

Sometimes we feel a sense of inner conflict because we did something that went against our

consciences. Such inner upset can affect our emotional and physical health. If you realize

that you made a bad movepossibly one that resulted in someone getting hurtthe best

thing to do is to make up for it as soon as possible. That is the only way to resolve the pain

of such inner conflict. An apology is always a great way to start.

Of course, it is not so easy to admit you have done something wrong. It may help to write

out what you plan to say to the person who was hurt. "Jane, about the other day when

we" You can practice it either in your mind or out loud so that when the moment comes,

the words will flow smoothly.

You can also:

1. Admit your wrongdoing to a third person whom you trust and respect so that youcan examine your action together.


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2. Be willing to learn from the pangs of guilt from your conscience and resolve nexttime to do the right thing. Our conscience is our inborn guide, our moral compass

that tries to point us in the right direction. Our conscience will hurt if we have

treated others unjustly or made bad choices. We should be thankful to have a sharp

and active conscience.

3. Learn to apologize. In this, practice makes perfect. Admitting when you are wrong isnot the end of the world and actually can turn out to be a very wonderful experience.

4. Be willing to do something to make it up to the offended personif possible, evenmore than what is required.

5. Forgive yourself and remind yourself that mistakes are part of life. Sadly, somepeople carry their guilt around with them for years, allowing it to destroy what could

have been a happy life.

Example: Mike apologizes and makes up

"I was really mad at my dad. He'd said I had an attitude and that if I didn't change it, I'd be

in big trouble. I yelled at him then. I'm getting bigger now, and I don't have to take so much

from him. I was steaming mad when I went up to my room. But then I started thinking

about how I hadn't helped him with the car when he'd asked me to and just kept watching

TV. Then when my mom asked me to help set the table, I put her off too. I could see by the

looks on their faces that they had been upset. So I went downstairs and did what he wanted

me to with the car and asked my mom if I could help her now. Then I said I was sorry. It

made a big difference. All of a sudden, they were all smiles and they couldn't do enough for

me!"

Inner conflict caused by someone who did something wrong to you

At other times, we may experience inner conflict because someone has done somethingwrong to us. We might be the victim of some injustice, misunderstanding or betrayal. It's

nearly impossible to go through life without people stepping on our toes, insulting us

(sometimes not meaning to) or taking advantage of our trusting nature. No matter how

much we may try to protect ourselves from the hurts and pains of life, they will happen at

times.


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If you are angry and resentful or thinking, "Why me?" you probably are taking energy away

from other important areas of your life, such as achieving your goals in sports or academics

or spending enjoyable time with your friends and family. Emotions like anger and

resentment can be as corrosive as acid, hurting you far more than they hurt the other

person. It's best to resolve these feelings as well as you can in order to experience inner

peace rather than inner conflict.

Here are some tips for dealing with the experience of being treated unfairly:

1. Although it is painful, admit to yourself that something bad really DID happen. Youare not making it up. Face the fact honestly that you were betrayed or hurt in some

way. Remember, bad things sometimes happen to good people. Just because

someone hurt or betrayed you doesn't mean you deserved it.

2. Tell someone you trust about the situation. Many times an older or wiser person canimmediately say something to relieve some of our emotional distress. He or she can

also sometimes give a comforting perspectivesimilar things have happened to

others, and they endured. Also, that person can give some practical advice about the

next step to take in trying to resolve the situation.

3. Write things out. Pretend you are a newspaper reporter and interview yourself onwhat happened. Use "who, what, when, where, how and why" questions and put it in

non-emotional words. Then write out your feelings on another piece of paper. Be

honest, clear, and describe your feelings as much as you can!

4. Ask for a meeting with the offender and try to explain your thoughts and feelings onthe matter calmly. If necessary, ask for the presence of someone who won't take

sidesto help clear up misunderstandings or difficulties as they arise in the course

of the conversation.

5. Meditate or pray about the situation. Many people find that talking with God, orimagining a conversation with a loving parent, is a very helpful tool in resolving

inner conflict, forgiving others, and coming to deeper insights about themselves and

their relationships with others.

6. Forgive the one who hurt you, even if he or she cannot apologize. Maybe the personlies, cheats or has a weak-willed character. The fact is that he or she is creating his


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or her own future through present responses to life's challenges, and you are

creating yours. Your act of forgiveness may help both of you. None of us is perfect.

We all make mistakes in our relationships with others, hurting those around us. If,

in those times, we would wish to be forgiven, then we must be willing to forgive.

Inner peace

The reward of resolving inner conflict is a sense of inner peace. By doing the right thing,

making the right choices, making up for our harms, and forgiving those who harm us, we

can feel lighter, more free, and happier. Isn't that worth the effort it takes to address and

resolve the things that are bothering us?

Learning objectives

Cognitive: Students will recognize being in a state of inner conflict and learn tools to deal

with it.

Affective: Students will want to resolve inner conflict.

Behavioral: Students will take the actions and adopt the attitudes necessary to resolve

inner conflict.

Class Session I

Ask students to place themselves in the shoes of the younger monk in "A Story from Zen

Buddhism." How do students think the younger monk felt all day? Was he boiling in

resentment and accusation? Do students think he was able to be a good monk that day?

Was he able to enjoy the beauty of the river, the loveliness of nature? He probably couldn't

wait until sunset when they could break their vow of silence so that he could let out his

feelings toward the older monk.

Ask students to recall the last time they felt full of resentment and accusation toward


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someone. What was their experience that day? Did other things also seem to go wrong?

We think we can hide our feelings from others, but actually, we can't. People can usually

sense when we are full of accusation or inner conflict. They feel it. And they usually do not

respond positively. A person may be angry at his mother and find himself then getting into

arguments with friends, store clerks, pizza delivery boys, and all kinds of people. He is

acting out the conflict in his heart, and people are reacting to it.

Body language reveals conflict

Experts say that only 7% of communication is in words. That means 93% of communication

is in "body language"! So, if a person is experiencing inner conflict, he or she will probably

communicate it to others and make them uncomfortable. For instance, a real smile uses lots

of face muscles. The skin around the eyes crinkles, the nose may wrinkle up too. If the

smile is only coming from the mouth muscles, it is probably faked. All of us know these

things without talking about them and without being taught about them. We "sense" if

someone genuinely likes us or is happy to see us or not.

We also sense it if someone is trying to fool us. People who are not being honest with us

may shrug, touch their faces with their hands, or play with things. They may not

concentrate on the conversation, they may repeat themselves or add sounds like "Uh," or

"Um." They may only give short answers to questions or only give short explanations.

Meeting people's eyes when they ask you questions or talk to you is generally considered a

sign of openness and honesty. Shifting your gaze away is often interpreted as dishonesty.

The monks couldn't talk to each other because they had a religious vow of silence until

sunset. Ask for volunteers to act out (pantomime) their body language toward each other

after the incident with the woman. Have volunteers role play them just after the incident

with the woman, eating lunch together, and continuing on their journey in silence.

A good reason to resolve inner conflict is to enjoy inner peace and so that our relationships

with others can be happier and freer, since our inner conflict will be communicated to


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others even if we try to hide it.

As the chapter points out, inner conflict sometimes needs to be resolved by making a choice.

Making choices is not always easy. Sometimes you make the right choice inside, but then it

is hard to follow through and actually do the right thing. In this exercise, they are going to

practice making choices and showing them through their actions.

The "Choose Well" game

Divide the class into pairs. Have the pairs move their desks close to one another. One

person in a pair is a "Number One" and the other person in the pair is a "Number Two." All

the Number Ones are on the same team, and all the Number Twos are on the same team,

even though they are paired up with members of the other team.

Tell them you are going to read some choices that teenagers made to them. Each pair will

have a turn to stand up and respond to a situation. When you read the choice to them, if it

is a good choice, they are to remain standing. If it is a bad choice, they are to sit down. The

first Number One or Number Two to get the answer right wins a point for his or her team.

At the end, the team with the most points wins!

Choices

1. Loretta's mom asked her to do the dishes. Loretta decided to do them after herfavorite TV shows.

2. Sam said he'd take his younger brother to the park to shoot baskets, but suddenlyRyan, a cool kid from school, says he wants to meet Sam in the park. Sam tells Ryan

he'll meet him, but that he has to take care of his younger brother too.

3. Calvin was late getting home. He sneaked into the house through a back door orwindow and hid in his room, pretending he'd been there for a long time.

4. Alice told Mary not to tell anyone that she had a crush on Dave. Mary promises.Then, after school, Mary decides she'll just tell Christie.


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5. Mike got into his dad's car just to play around. A sharp instrument from art class inMike's pocket made a puncture hole in the seat. Mike tells his dad what happened.

6. Melissa borrowed two dollars from Cathy last week and didn't repay it. Cathy coulduse the money, but she decided not to say anything.

7. Fred asks Chris if he can copy his math homework because he didn't have time to dohis. Chris says no.

8. The video Peter picked to watch at his house has a rating on it that Brian's parentshave told him he can't watch. Brian says, "I don't want to watch that one. I'll see you

later," and leaves Peter's house.

9. Gary was playing hardball with his brother in their front yard. The ball goes out ofcontrol and dents a neighbor's car. Gary tells his brother, "Let's go inside. They'll

never know who did it."

10.Susan saw Candy copying from a crib sheet on the test. Even though Candy is hergood friend, Susan tells the teacher. "It's for Candy's own good," Susan tells herself.

Class Session II

Questions for reflection

1. In the story of the two monks, why did the younger monk accuse the older one? What

does his accusation say about him?

2. What are the root causes of inner conflict?

3. How can we resolve inner conflict when we struggle with a choice between two loyalties?

4. How can we resolve inner conflict when we struggle with a choice between right and

wrong?

5. How can we resolve inner conflict when we struggle with a choice between our selfish and


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our unselfish natures?

6. Think of a time when you hurt someone. How could you have applied the 5 points in the

text to that situation?

7. Think of a time when someone hurt you. How could you have applied the 6 points in the

text to that situation?

8. Were you ever able to forgive someone who hurt you? Tell about it.

9. Do you still hold grudges against someone who hurt you in the past? Who and why?

10. Why is it difficult for us to apologize when we do something wrong?

Quiz: How forgiving are you?

Ask students to take out a sheet of paper. You will read them some choices, and they will

write down the letter of the choice they think is best. Then they will score themselves.

1. An old lady is getting on the bus. She's taking forever. You need to get to the movies in

the next ten minutes or the lines will be too long. You:

a. Say, "Hey, we don't have all night here!"

b. Get up and offer to help her up the steps.

c. Sit and fume, grumbling about old people the whole way to the movie theatre.

d. Shrug it off. You'll be old yourself one day.

2. You found out that one of your friends told another friend that you were "immature at


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times." Your friend says, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." You:

a. Say, "That's all right," but decide to stay away from that friend from now on.

b. Say, "Talk about being immature!"

c. Pretend everything is all right, but at the first opportunity, say something bad about that

friend behind his or her back.

d. Forget about it. You are immature at times. That's why people like you!

3. The basketball ref made a bad call on you. You:

a. Tell your coach to question the call.

b. Ask your dad to beat up the ref.

c. Do nothing: "The ref is always right."

d. Figure there are bad calls for every player and every team and it all comes out pretty fair

in the end.

For number 1:

Answer a: 1 point

Answer b: 3 points

Answer c: 2 points

Answer d: 4 points

For number 2:

Answer a: 3 points

Answer b: 2 points

Answer c: 1 point

Answer d: 4 points

For number 3:

Answer a: 2 points

Answer b: 1 point

Answer c: 3 points

Answer d: 4 points

10-12 pointsYou are a forgiving person. You like to give others the benefit of the doubt.


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You can handle conflict pretty well. You probably feel pretty peaceful inside most of the

time.

8-10 pointsYou assert yourself and take action when things aren't going your way, but

you usually try to do it in a decent way. You're forgiving, but you don't let people get away

with everything either.

4-7 pointsYour life must have more conflict in it than you would like, because you aren't

very forgiving. You'd rather confront someone than work it out. You need to work on being

less confrontational.

3 pointsYou must spend almost all your time in a stew. You don't see other people in a

very positive way. Try to calm down and think about good reasons why people might do the

things they do. Remember your own mistakes. You make mistakes too!

Transforming Inner Conflict

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw 2004

You have the opportunity for a great new job, but it would mean moving from the home

that you love. You see yourself as an honest person, but you just told a friend you were

busy, even though youre not. You are feeling an inner battle between two different aspects

of yourself.Our lives are full of situations like this: choosing between two options, both of

which have pros and cons; relating to people when you have mixed feelings; accepting

contradictory qualities within ourselves.

Trying to resolve these issues can cause us a lot of stress and worry and can sometimes

even make us ill. When we dont know how to deal with this kind of internal confusion, we

often see ourselves as being indecisive or incompetent, and make any number of negative

judgments about ourselves - then we feel even worse. The reality is that these kinds of

situations occur all the time and are part of our lives. Often when we experience them, we


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tend to see things as black and white, good or bad, yes or no, which limits our options, and

locks us into either/or choices.

However, it is possible to recognize the many shades of gray that exist in most situations

and expand our perceptions, so that we can make choices, resolve issues, and accept

ourselves in a calm, confident and non-judgmental way. It is simply a case of developing

new skills which allow us to look at several sides of an issue , at new options and at

different ways of looking at ourselves. This in turn can lead to more self-confidence, more

creativity, and greater acceptance of ourselves and others.

The exercise below helps you to develop new possibilities for dealing with inner conflict.

Although it is very easy, simple and fun to do, it can have a profound effect. Over time it

can help you to experience greater understanding and compassion, both for yourself and

others. The ability to resolve one issue tends to expand to address other and deeper issues,

so that you find yourself more and more able to deal with the inevitable conflicts that life

presents.

Another benefit that you can experience is the sense of integration as you recognize how

apparently separate qualities and ideas are actually connected. This in turn generates a

greater and greater sense of peace. As you become familiar with the exercise you will find

you no longer need to read these instructions, and eventually you may choose not to

document or draw the experience. You may even find yourself wanting to share the exercise

with others - even children can do it! So relax, sit back and enjoy the exercise.

Transforming Inner Conflict Integration Exercise

Purpose:

This exercise will help you when you are experiencing stress, tension or even illness from

conflicting thoughts, life options or inner aspects of yourself that are blocking forwardmovement or inner peace. It can help you find relief or solutions easily and quickly.

How it works:

When you look at only two sides of an issue or situation, it tends to lead to a win-lose


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choice. However, when you can explore a variety of aspects, you can make a peaceful

decision which integrates desirable elements of both sides.

Instructions:

You can read these instructions as you go along, or better still, read them onto a tape or

have someone else read them. After doing it a few times, you will not need the instructions.

1. Set up crayons, pastels or paint and three sheets of paper.

2. Sit comfortably and gently relax yourself by focusing on your breath and breathe deeply

into your belly. Do this five times, letting go of any busy thoughts or distractions. Let

yourself be here doing this now. Now gently focus on breathing normally.

3. Silently ask yourself to identify the most important area in your life where you feel inner

conflict. Reflect on a situation where there is conflict, contradiction or confusion. Identify

the two opposite, disharmonious viewpoints, options or aspects of yourself.

4. Now take a deep breath and focus on just one of these viewpoints. Recall your feelings

about it. What is comfortable and uncomfortable about this option? What are the benefits of

this option? What are the disadvantages of this option? Let this viewpoint or feeling show

itself to you as a colour, shape or image. Does it have anything to say to you, any words?

What is the main feeling that comes with it?

When you are ready, sit up and draw any colours, images, words that you sensed. If there

were none, using your intuition, simply pick up colours and begin to draw shapes. Put the

feeling you had into colour. Sometimes more information will come to you as you document

this.

Once you finish, think of one or two words to express the feeling around this option and

write the word or words down. (For example, Angry.) Next, if you could label this option

what would that be? Write that down. (For example, Quit my job.) As you look at the

drawing and words, identify what the different parts of the drawing mean to you.

5. Now relax back again. Breathe deeply and thank that last image. As you breathe in once

more, let it go and bring yourself to stillness again by imagining a blank inner screen.


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6. Breathe again and let your focus now go to the other viewpoint, or option. Recall what it

feels like. Is it comfortable or uncomfortable? What are the pros and cons of this option? If it

were a colour, shape or image, what would that be? Let it show itself to you. What does it

have to say?

When you are ready, again sit up and draw any colours, images, words that you sensed. If

there were none, let your intuition decide on colours and begin to draw shapes. Put the

feeling into a colour or colours.

Once you finish, again think of one or two words to express the feeling around this option

and write the word or words down. Next, if you could label this option what would that be?

(For example, Freedom) Write that down. As you look at the drawing and words, identify

what the different parts of the drawing mean to you.

7. Compare the two drawings. Lay the two pages in front of you and notice the difference

parts of the drawings, colours and words. What seems different? What is similar?

8. Integration Steps:

Now relax back again and resettle. Breathe deeply and let both images go. As you breathe

again, bring yourself to stillness by visualizing a blank inner screen.

Now let your mind open and feel your willingness to allow these two images to mix or join

together to create a new or different image or feeling. Ask for help to create something that

is more beneficial to you at this time. Ask for help from your personal spiritual source, the

wisdom within you, or your spiritual guide.

What would be worthwhile to keep from the original two options, and what needs to be left

behind?

Take your time and see what colors and images are there now. What feelings are there

now? Are there any sounds or words? Does it have anything to say to you? Ask how this is

beneficial and helpful.

When you are ready, document or create a new drawing based on whatever you have

experienced, or as an alternative, look at the two previous drawings and combine them in


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some way into one drawing, or into words, or both. Just let your intuition tell you what to

do, one step at a time. Write one or two words that express the feeling of this integrated

image or words. What would you label or call this final option? Write that down.

9. Once this documentation is done, lay the three pages down and reflect on the feeling of

the third drawing.

What elements were retained and what elements were discarded from the first two

drawings?

How does this third drawing feel?

What have you learned about yourself?

Are there any insights from this drawing which suggest how to move forward in this life

situation or issue, or how to express the new internal feeling associated with it?

How might you express this third new quality and put it into action?

When you observe how you labeled or named each option, what have you learned about

your perspective of each? Consider how you labeled it and how that affected your response

or reaction. Notice how impermanent or illusory the initial labeling of the problem mayhave been.

10. Is there any action you can now take based on your new awareness? Commit to doing

this now.

11. Allow a few days to integrate this physically, emotionally and mentally. Just stay open,

gently allowing any feelings that result from this shift of perspective to arise and move on.

Sometimes there may be emotional ups and downs as it integrates and changes how you

feel. Just let this be okay. Sometimes holding this conflict and tension in the body then

letting go can have the effect of physically detoxifying: runny nose, sweating, crying or

diarrhea. Drinking water helps to ease this process.

Dealing with Internal Conflict
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byCarmen Marieon Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010 |4 Comments

Have you ever heard a little voice inside of you saying something is wrong? You may not

know exactly what it is, but you have a sick feeling in your stomach that something is just

not right and you have to deal with it otherwise you will lose your sanity. You need to speak

up about it, but for some reason you dont or you cant. The emotion builds up inside of you

and you risk exploding or imploding very soon.

Internal conflict can cause a lot of damage when it is not dealt with. Usually, the internal

conflict will happen when facts conflict with your core values. Sometimes, these emotions

happen in the subconscious, so youre not even aware of the internal fight. The body

will then externalize the turmoil through physical symptoms, illness and anxiety.

You can create internal conflict when:

You are in denial about an issue. This is subconscious and difficult to bring tosurface.

You make a conscious decision to ignore the facts and to deny. You understand the facts, you do not ignore them but your decide not to talk for

fear of getting hurt.

You understand the facts, you do not ignore them and you decide not to talk forother reasons like spite, envy, vengence.

In either one of these cases, some symptoms will appear indicating that something inside is

just not right. Whether you are conscious of the conflict or not, the best way to try to deal

with it is to write. Some cases may require additional help from a professional.

Psychologists and Psychiatrists may also recommend writing for therapy. Of course, writing

isnt for everyone, but in this case, you do not need to write litterary masterpieces. You

simply have to externalize thoughts. The more you write, the more thoughts will come out.

If you dont know what to write, go for something like: I dont know what to write, bla -bla-

bla, this is boring, I have no idea why I am doing this maybe later etc and try to

continue your thoughts, even if then seem empty, until you catch a relevant topic that you

can elaborate on. Watch out for new and unexpected thoughts. These might come out as a

surprise and give you insight on what is happening inside. Open your eyes and your heart

to listen to what the pen will tell you (or rather what your hand wants you to read).
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This exercise may feel funny at first but it truly helps. I think it is very helpful when you

are going through mild depression or anxiety and you want to find out whats going on

inside of you. Writing is always great therapy.

ntroduction: We CANresolve major Inner conflicts

Desire-conflicts reduce life-satisfaction

When our desires are clear and coherent, we are free to assess personal and environmental

resources, craft a plan of action for satisfying our desires, and act to achieve satisfaction.

Regrettably, that essential initial clarity of desires is not always present, with the result

that we are too often unable to act to make ourselves happy.

Beyond the problem of having clear desires is that of having well-integrated desires, for if

our desires are in essential conflict, or if we are in conflict with ourselves about these

desires, we will also often be unable to get to the point of acting on our own behalf. The

conflict problem is more critical than the lack of clarityproblem. Its also usually more

complex.

Consider this example, about a rather minor concern: the problem of getting enough

brownies (for some of us, this might be a genuine problem!). Suppose we want to eat more

brownies, but also want to eat a healthy diet and lose some weight. These desires are inobvious conflict.

This conflict could be resolved relatively easily (if we know how), but suppose further that

we grew up with a parent who routinely shamed or otherwise punished us when we sought

out for ourselves the simple pleasures of life. We may well have learned from this parent

that its BAD to want something for ourselves, and thus have not only a conflict BETWEEN

our desires, but also a conflict ABOUT our desires.

This is a truly challenging problem, and will typically lead to serious internal stress. It may

also lead to self-sabotage, self-medication, depression, or existential paralysis (i.e., we

become simply unable to act).


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Desire-conflicts can lead to lack of awareness

We do not typically have full awareness of our desires. Desires about which we are

conflicted often get pushed out of our awareness, because of the distress caused by the

conflict. Yet, this only submerges the conflict. Subconscious conflict between desires and

about desires can still act to block our becoming more self-aware1, with the result that the

clarity wed like simply cannot be achieved. It thus makes sense to focus on resolving inner

conflicts, as a first priority, when we seek to improve the level of satisfaction we have in our

lives.

Good consequences arise from resolving this inner conflict

Increasing our consciousness of our desires, whether or not they are in conflict, or we are

conflicted simply about havingthem, is a useful part of a larger process in which we can

become more clear about what we truly want, as a preliminary step to setting out to satisfy

our desires.

I describe here a clinically proved process for exposing and resolving inner conflict about

desires,a process which typically has these beneficial outcomes:

Our overall stress level will be reduced. Confusion about our desires, in the area on which we focus, will cease to be a

problem.

We will be able to move much more gracefully from wantingto acting, with theresult that we will learn more, and our life will come to feel more satisfying to us.

We will become more self-approving.

Persisting desire-conflicts often develop from poor parenting

Good parenting promotes development of good self-regulation

For well over a decade, modern developmental psychology and neurophysiology has beenlooking at various aspects of early brain development in relation a young childs social

environment and later psychological health. The results of this exploration has been

profound.
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It has become obvious that healthy brain development requires a healthy social

environment. Specifically, this means having parents or caretakers who provide adequate

help in managing the feelings of the young child, and in assisting them to learn to self-

manage their own feelings.

Babies are born with essentially adult feelings, already hardwired. They are NOT born

with all the skills they need to manage those feelings. For that they are dependent upon

their caretakers. The central task to be learned by the young, developing brain, in relation

to these feelings, is how to calm things down when theres too much excitement or

disturbance in the brain. If this calming does not occur, and excess levels of disturbance are

too frequent or long-enduring, normal cognitive develop well may be seriously impeded.

A health-promoting caretaker provides two things essential to the healthy emotional

development of a baby and young child:

1. A calming influence for them when they become upset. The long-term effect of thiswill be a gradual learning to self-soothe.

2. A minimum of unnecessarily upsetting feelings directed toward them. This has theeffect of minimizing unnecessary stress, leaving them to learn to deal with essential

stresses appropriate to their developmental age.

Poor parenting promotes development of enduring inner-conflicts

Many serious things can happen to a childs developing brain as a consequence of an

insufficiency of calming influences, or an excess of inappropriate upsetting feelings

deriving from interaction with caretakers.

One of these serious outcomesenduring internal conflict about personal desirescan

arise when a parent is such a noxious influence that the baby/child benefits learns to isolate

themselves from their parent. In such a situation, most children learn to imagine how aparent will react to them in critical situations, so that before the parent actually has a

chance to produce this reaction the young child can see them coming, in their mind. In

essence, the baby/child learns to create a simulation of their parent, so that they can

acquire a kind of protective (and adaptive) self-control. By reacting to the imagined


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consequence they can avoid encountering the real consequence of contact with a noxious

parent.

This is much like an adult who learns to resist the urge to drive fast, in those situations

where they can anticipate that the police may be watching for speeders. Contact with the

internal cop allows the driver to avoid the external cop, and the driver does NOT get a

ticket.

When a child does this with a noxious parent it is a very clever accomplishment, howsoever

true it is that this development is never intentional or even conscious. Little brains simply

do this sort of thing as part of their learning to navigate in their world. Its part of their

natural struggle to survive and to thrive.

This adaptational cleverness has a cost, of course. Not only is this kind of internal self-

control potentially destructive, it also is likely to be continued long past the time when the

parents direct influence on the child has ceased.

Psychotherapists call a constructed, internal parent-simulation of this sort a parental

introject6. Getting rid of this introject can be a critical step toward growing a healthier

sense of self and a becoming happy with ones life. But the task is often not easy, and is

usually well beyond the capability of an individual working alone and without having

advanced knowledge of personality dynamics, psychopathology, and psychotherapy.

This document describes a process by which someone in psychotherapy can work

productively with themselves between sessions, relative to this problem of having a toxic

parent-introject. This process is also useful for simpler things, such as working out an

internal conflict between internal points of view which are entirely ones own, such as a

conflict between the desire to lose weight AND to eat delicious deserts.

Destructive parent introjects will interfere with good adult self-care

Healthy parents foster their childs discovery of their own, developing nature, accepting it

and helping their child to celebrate it as it emerges. A child with such a parent typically

learns to listen well to their own inner desires, and thus learns to steer their life by a true

map, as it were7.
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Unhealthy parents foster the childs expressing a nature theparent finds acceptable,

irrespective of the childs actual nature. Such a parent may be overly directive, or

hypercritical, or ignoring, among other things. A child with such a parent typically learns to

be inappropriately attention to their parent, and will come to ignore themselves

inappropriately as well, and thus learning to steer their life by a map of the desires of

someone elses mind, not a map which describes their own desires, responses, feelings, and

thoughts.

When ones parent introject is supportive and approving, there will be no problem deriving

from it. When ones parent introject is not supportive is ignoring or critical or harsh, and

so on, happiness is not possible. It isnt really on the map.

The simpler parts of our personalitythose which experience and manage our most basic

feelingsare the first to appear, as we develop. They are childlikewhich is to say full of

feeling, not very clever, capable of generating great joy and delight, and very vulnerable.

When we are small, they need the supportive, calming influence of a healthy parent.

When we are adult, these same parts need us to manage them exactly as a healthy parent

would manage a cherished child. We must be our own healthy parent, to become a

successful adult. However, if we are still carrying around an unhealthy parent introject

created in our brain when we were just a child, this healthy self-parenting will surely be

difficult, and may simply be impossible.

Internal dialogs

The reality and benefit of internal dialogs within our personality

There is considerable evidence that our personalities are organized not as a unitary, single

whole, but rather as a network of partssomething like an internal family. This modular

organization of our personality mimics the organic modularity of our physical brain, andboth brain and personality experience the same benefits from modular organization:

efficiencyOnly one part of the brain or personality need be active at any one time. specializationIndividual parts can function as experts in solving certain kinds of

problems.


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diversityTo the degree that different parts of the brain and personality see theworld in different ways, the likelihood that some part will actually have a decent

grip on reality at any point in time will increase. When the brain/personality

functions more as a committee and less as an solitary autocrat, better decisions get

made.

While the concept of internal dialogs between the parts of our personality is an advanced

concept in the realm of neuropsychology and neurophysiology, it is at the same time mere

common sense to most people. Weve all experienced internal arguments or conflicts. We

may refer to these as simple cant make up my mind episodes, but a deeper investigation

will often reveal that we have in our mind distinct part-personalities, which communicate

with each otherbut not always well or to good effect. Becoming aware of these internal

dialogs can be an extremely productive activity in, and outside of, psychotherapy.

Some of our personality parts are younger than others, because they developed at an earlier

stage in our development. With some people, the existence of these parts is rather obvious.

When they shift from one part to another, one can notice a change in their voice and body

language. With many other people, the change is more subtle, and one must look carefully

to see it.

There is also considerable evidence that these internal personality parts converse, as it

were, with each other. This most typically happens below the level of consciousness.

Regrettably, these conversations do not always go well just like a parent with an upset

child who finds that sometimes talking is impossible! Communication breaks down, and

dysfunction can quickly emerge.

Since the parts of our personality are united by common interests, and a common core

personality, there is an inherent motivation NOT to be in conflict, when possible. Therefore,

if we can offer overt support for safe, constructive inner dialog, the outcome will most often

be quite productive8.

Becoming aware of previously unconscious internal dialogs

This is actually rather easy to do, if one goes about it in the right way. One begins with

something that arouses feeling, and about which one has two or more points of view. Note
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that we cannot always know in advance that we actually have an internal conflict about

something. Sometimes we simply look at something to see if this is the case. In any case, it

is worth pointing out that our internal dialogs are almost always conducted mostly outside

of our full awareness. Usually, thats a good thing, but when we need to resolve internal

conflict, it isnt at all beneficial. It is more useful then to bring the dialog into awareness.

How to select and describe a problem, then activate, manage, record, and

conclude a deliberate internal dialog

I will now describe the process of resolving an internal conflict. You are well advised to

carefully read through the remainder of this article before attempting actually to DO

anything, so that you have an accurate overview of the process, including the accountability

part of it. Only then are you likely to be satisfied with the results you obtain.

Why this process is likely to work for you

A number of factors will be working to produce success when we use the process described

below, including:

structured procedureA planned, carefully thought out, and experientially-validated procedure will act to keep us on track and moving forward as quickly as

possible. Its steps have a sound rationale, and theyve proven successful with manypeople.

deliberationWe will slow down the internal dialog process, which will help us tobecome much more aware of whats happening.

opennessWe will simply allow the dialog to develop, without steering it. We simplywill admit at the beginning that we do not and cannot know exactly what will occur.

The exploration of our internal process is what will help us get to a conflict

resolution.

careful examination of resultsWe will carefully look at what this process produces.This will foster not only a growth of self-knowledge, but also an increase in

awareness, coupled with a reduction or elimination of internal conflict. One likely

effect of this is that well be more open to future explorations of this kind, and less

fearful of what might happen if we honestly look at ourselves.


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accountabilityThis is about making results visible, especially relative to one ormore planned outcome goals. Two kinds of accountability will be suggested. Both

have benefits.

social facilitationThis is the name given to sociologists to the fact that when weknow we are being watched our behavior changes. It is known that in social

situations people eat more, engage in less illegal behavior, and will attend keep

promises more reliably. We are interested here in utilizing the last effect.

Selecting and describing a problem

Choose something that matters

What matters? Anything about which we have significant feelings will qualify. That we

have such feelings indicates that something of value to us is involved.

Many people suffer from inadequate self-respect, often referred to as poor self-esteem.

Invariably, at the heart of such a problem is a failure to value ones automatic reactions to

the elements of ones life. In contrast, someone with high self-esteem will not feel a need to

ignore, much less justify, these reactions. They will merely note what matters to them, and

be respectful of that. Paying attention to yourself in this way sounds simple, and it can be,

but for those who do not have the skill well in hand, it can be distinctly challenging.

Practicing this skill will make it less difficult.

Be assured that simply engaging in the inner-conflict resolution process described here will

virtually always lead to increases in habitual positive self-attention and constructive

response. As you start to get the process to work for you, youll find it increasingly easier,

and youll want to repeat it because of the positive results it produces including increased

self-esteem.

So, we begin with something about which we have feelings, and those feelings typically will

be troubling. That last fact will provide us with motivation for working through this

internal conflict process.


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An example: Wasted weekends

I will propose an illustrative example, and use it to illustrate the steps of this process. This

will help to clarify how actually to do the process. To clearly separate the example from the

main text, I will present it in italic green font

Suppose that we have developed a concern about how we spend our weekends. Beginning a

weekend, we often want simply to rest and recover. Exiting the weekend and entering into

the work week, were often remorseful about not having made better use of the weekend.

This problem has been with us a long time, and were tired of feeling frustrated by it.

This problem meets the criteria for selection given above: we experience a conflict, and

significant negative feelings are involved, so that we see that the matter is of real

consequence.

Problem description a critical step

Nothing dooms a life-change effort quite so completely as working on the wrong problem2.

For example, if a health care professional does this mis-diagnoses the problem theyre

trying to treatthe excellence of the healing methods they introduce will matter little, for

the problem being addressed is not the real problem. The result? Most likely it will be a

treatment failure.

We must get the problem correctly-grasped, as closely as we can. While there is no sure and

certain method for doing this, there are some approaches that seem to work well in most

cases. Once you have some idea of the problem you want to resolve, try the following, to

achieve a better description of the real problem:

1. Describe carefully how you become aware of the problem, in course of your daily life.o Describe the physical context of your emerging awareness. Describe,

preferably in writing, some examples of this becoming aware. ((In ourexample, the problem arises soon after the weekend is over, or as it is ending.

Were at home, or sometimes at work the next morning.)

o Describe the internal sequence of events which lead to your awareness. Again,briefly describe, in writing if possible, some examples. ((In our example, were

reflecting on the weekend, rerunning the tape, as it were.)
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o Describe what youre thinking, saying to yourself, or seeing in your mind rightbefore you become aware of the problem. Notice as closely as you can the

stimulus for your awareness that you have a problem. ((In our example, most

often its a thought that its over, time has run out which arises late Sunday

night. At that precise point, we start to feel badand our problem-awareness

emerges.)

2. Assume, just for a moment, that the heart of all problems is in fact undesirablefeelings about something. (Its hard to imagine calling something a problem if we

didnt have bad feelings about it, somehow.) Lets take a moment to explore those

feelings.

o Write down what you feel at the moment you become aware of the problem.Because this material is very important and slips out of our awareness easily,

capture it in writing. ((In our example, the feelings that emerge are

disappointment, sadness, and a little anger.)

o You may find it valuable to try to refine your feelings-description byreframing it in terms of the known basic human feelings (which I have

described elsewhere3). While it may take a little time to do this, its worth it,

since change in these feelings will be how we assess the results of any action-

plan we implement. Reducing our initial feelings-description to fundamental

feelings can be challenging, and having an expert to work with can be quitehelpful. ((In our example, disappointment is just a form of the basic feeling

called distress, and we feel it both about the situation and ourselves. Weve

momentarily lost hope. Sadness is just another angle on the same thinga

sense of loss, and our involuntary reaction to it. This, too, is distress. This

reframing actually leads to a breakthrough of sorts: since distress is the

involuntary reaction of our brain to loss, if we can do something to stay

hopeful and optimistic these feelings will not occur. Its apparent that were

already beginning to move toward the elements of an action plan for change.)

Moving closer to our distress: Drafting an action plan

Were not focusing on developing an action plan, here, because it would be foolish to do so

when were in a state of internal conflict and cannot decide on a goal. Still, beginningto

draft one can be a useful means of better understanding what really triggers our conflict,
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and THAT can be quite useful to us. Sowe will start an action plan draft, with no

intention of finishing it right now.

The most important thing to know before starting this step is that you will doing a lot of

revisions. This is necessary because youll be learning a lot that you didnt previously know,

as you go forward, and it will necessitate plan revisions. In addition, your early versions of

the plan will be incomplete, so as you become less conflicted and more aware of your

domin

how do you deal with inner conflict

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