human sexuality love and communication in intimate relationships
TRANSCRIPT
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Human Sexuality
Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships
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Love
Considerable attention across disciplines
What is the nature of love?
“Love has been highly conceptualized and made very abstract” (Gage, 1976)
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What Love is NOT
NOT (Firestone, Firestone & Catlett, 2006):
SelfishPossessiveDemandingProprietary right over othersSubmissive/dominantCoercive or manipulative
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Sexuality and Love
Not addressed in Kinsey’s research
Currently:
Numerous studies on love and sex
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Love
A complex emotion
The “paradox” of love: encompasses opposites
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Love and Sexuality
Often intertwined
For many, love legitimates sex outside of marriage
Sex as an expression of love; to deepen the relationship (Cupach, 1990; Henderson-King, 1994)
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Gender Differences:Sex and Love
Men: sex and love can be separated (Carroll, Volk, & Hyde, 1985)
Women: less likely to engage in casual sex: love and sex are more closely linked
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Sex and Love
Gay men:Especially likely to separate sex and love Intrinsic value to sex
Heterosexual men: similar?
Not as many willing partners (Blum, 1997)
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Sex and Love
Lesbian relationships:
Sex is less frequent among lesbian couples, comparatively (Schureurs, 1993)
More likely to postpone sex until emotional intimacy is developed
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Celibacy
Abstaining from sexual activity
Religious/spiritual dimensions, situational, personal, etc.
Enhanced appreciation of friendship functions of relationships
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Asexuality
Absence of sexual attraction to others, or no desire to act on attractions
1% of the population
Underrepresented in research and movements
Capable of intimate relationships, free of sexuality; some prefer not to have relationships
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Asexuality
An orientation
Research: asexuality exists in the animal kingdom; sheep studies
The question of pathology
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Asexuality
Prause, 2003
Asexual people report:
Low sexual desireLow arousal/excitationMany engage in masturbation
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Styles of Love
John Lee- sociologist
6 basic styles of love: reflect relationship styles
Assumption: It is best when we share a relationship style with our partner
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Styles of Love
Mania: obsessive/possessive love; roller-coaster
Ludus: playful love: love is a game, not a deep emotion
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Styles of Love
Storge: love between companions: from friendship to romance
Agape: chaste, patient, undemanding love; the love of saints/martyrs
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Styles of Love
Pragma: practical/logical love; businesslike; looking for someone with specific characteristics
Hendrick & Hendrick: men are more ludic, women are more storgic/pragmatic
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Triangular Theory of Love
Robert Sternberg: 3 elements of loveEach will increase/diminish over the course
of a relationship
Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment
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Kinds of Love: Sternberg
Liking (intimacy only)
Infatuation (passion only)
Romantic love (intimacy and passion)
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Kinds of Love
Companionate love (intimacy and commitment)
Empty love (commitment only)
Non love (absence of all three)
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Attachment Theory (Pistole, Clark & Tubbs, 1995)
Adults with:
Secure attachments: trusting, accepting, supportive; 56% of adults
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Attachment Theory
Anxious/Ambivalent attachments: afraid their partners would leave, want to commit prematurely; 19-20% of adults
Avoidant attachments: discomfort in close relationships; distrustful, fear dependence; 23-25% of adults
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Jealousy
Often confused with love
Jealousy is associated with immaturity and insecurity (Pistole, 1995)
Is jealousy ever beneficial?
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Jealousy
Often linked to relationship violence (Buss, 1999; Puente & Cohen, 2003)
Jealous aggression is often directed toward a partner (Paul & Galloway, 1994)
31% of women and 17% of men had intentionally elicited jealousy in a relationship (Buss, 2000)
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Jealousy
Why do we become/want to make others jealous (Buss, 2000)?
Self esteemRevengeTo increase a partner’s commitmentTest the strength of the relationship
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Jealousy
Generated by:
Personal insecurities/anxieties
Boundary violations in an relationship
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Lasting love
Intimate love: lasting love; counting on the other partner; both partners have individual and relationship goals
Consists of:CommitmentCaring Self-disclosure
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Communication
Active Listening:Open postures/leaning inEye contactNoddingReflection of contentReflection of feelings
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Factors impacting communication
PersonalityRelationship contextCultureSubject matter
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Non-verbal communication
Most communication of feeling is nonverbal (Guffey, 1999)
Body posture and movements
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Nonverbal Communication
Eye contact and facial expressions
Interpersonal distance
Touching
Often overrides the verbal message
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Gender and Communication
Women-
More sensitive/responsive during conversation and conflicts
Set the emotional tone- escalate or deescalate conflicts with verbal and nonverbal messages
Use of emotional appeals and threats
Use of qualifying statements
(Gottman & Carre, 2000; Klintetob & Smith, 1996, Noller & Fitzpatrick, 1991)
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Gender and Communication
Men-
more likely to send negative messages, neutral messages, or to withdraw
Fewer words, more profanity
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Deborah Tannen
Gendered Communication:
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Deborah Tannen
Basic Premise:There are gender differences in
communication styles
These differences start in early childhood
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Boys/Girls
Boys: play in groups; activity-driven
Girls: best friends; relationship-driven
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Status and Connection
Men: power hierarchies: discourse is used to “one-up” or “one-down” each other
Women: collaborative: discourse to bring people closer or farther apart
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Meta-message
Meta-message: what messages do we take away from what we hear?
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Competitive/Cooperative
Both men/women are competitive and cooperative, but conversational rituals differ
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“I’m Sorry”…
Women are more likely to use this phraseSorry it happened, not taking blame
Men- more likely to ascribe blame when “sorry” is uttered
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Directness/Indirectness
Varies by gender based on context:
Women indirect when giving orders
Men indirect when describing emotional content
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Public/Private Discourse
Women: likely to try to engage men in private discourses
Men: more likely to dominate conversation publicly
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Qualifying Statements….
Based on CONTEXT
Gender is one of many factors;Ethnicity/cultureAgeSituation/contextPower