INTERPERSONAL INTERPERSONAL SKILLSSKILLS

Aditya Shah, an MBA from a prestigious college, is witty and intelligent. When he joined ABC Life Insurance Co, his colleagues liked him instantly. At the beginning, at least.

However, as they got to know him better, they realized he wasn't that as much fun as he seemed at first.

He would walk into office late, argue with his seniors and make nasty jokes and remarks about his colleagues. He was always late for meetings .

Eventually, his colleagues started avoiding him. His seniors were wary of him. It became a Herculean task for him to get the smallest things done; no one wanted to cooperate with him.

He began to feel isolated and found it hard to work effectively. Finally, he started wondering if something was wrong with him.

Anita, is one of the most liked employees of the Swift Life Insurance Company

She spoke with grace and confidence to everyone from the watchman to the director, customizing her technique to suit whoever she was dealing with.

Everybody knew who Anita was. She commanded awe and respect in the organisation. She also had a good dress sense, smiled a lot and looked into peoples' eyes while speaking. Her tone was soft, yet confident. She was poised and no crisis was big enough to ruffle her feathers. She was able to handle the most trying and seemingly impossible situations with a kind of ease most people would kill to have. She knew what she wanted and got it.

What do you think went wrong for Aditya?

What was the impact of his behaviour on his work?

What qualities does Anita have that make her excellent at people skills?

How will these skills help her at work?

Why do you think it is important to have good interpersonal skills?

Interpersonal skills are the ability to interpret situations correctly and behave accordingly. They are the base on which etiquette is formed

We begin developing our social skills from the time we are born.

From then on, it is a never-ending journey. As we grow older, we learn how to interact with family and friends. We also learn of or are faced with the problems associated with poor social skills.

While instances of employee immaturity or lack of appropriate social skills are not difficult to locate, they often go unaddressed.

Good interpersonal skills go a long way in commanding respect, communicating effectively and building strong relationships.

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Interpersonal Skills/Facilitation Skills

listening

questioning

language & communication using feedback

conflict handling

Self awareness Control Motivation Acknowledging the interests of

subordinates Communication skills

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Developing Assertiveness Accepting Responsibility Managing Conflicts

Avoiding Accommodating Competing/Forcing Collaborating Compromising

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Competency in two areas needs to be developed in order to have good interpersonal skills

Personal CompetencySelf Awareness

Managing EmotionsSocial Competency

Empathy

Handling Conflicts

Self Awareness:High self-awareness refers to having an accurate understanding of how

you behave, how other people perceive you, recognizing how you respond to others, being sensitive to your attitudes, feelings, emotions, intents and general communication style at any given moment and being able to accurately disclose this awareness to others.

SKILL INDICATORS Know when you are thinking negatively Know when your self-talk is helpful Know when you are becoming angry Know how you are interpreting events Know what senses you are currently using Know how to communicate accurately what you

experience Know the moments your mood shifts Know when you are becoming defensive Know the impact your behavior has on others

Do you recognize your feelings and emotions as they happen?

Are you aware of how others perceive you? How do you act when you are defensive? Are you aware of how you speak to yourself?

Examine how you appraise people and situations

Tune into your reactions on three levels; Thought, Feeling and Behaviour

Get in touch with your feelings

Learn what your intentions are

Pay attention to  your actions

Managing Emotions:The capacity to soothe oneself, to shake off rampant anxiety,

gloom, despair, or irritability. The ability to be able to keep an emotional perspective.

SKILL INDICATORS Able to identify shifts in physiological arousal Be able to relax in pressure situations Act productively in anxiety-arousing situations Calm oneself quickly when angry Associate different physiological cues with different

emotional states Use self-talk to affect emotional states Communicate feelings effectively Reflect on negative feelings without being distressed Stay calm when you are the target of anger from others

Do you use anger productively? Can you manage your anxiety in times of change? Can you put yourself in a good mood?

To manage Emotions:

Use your self-talk as a teaching tool Avoid distorted thinking Use relaxation to decrease you irritation Become a good problem solver Generate humor Take time out

Empathy:

Empathy is the recognition and understanding of the states of mind, beliefs, desires, and particularly, emotions of others. It is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes", or experiencing the outlook or emotions of another being within oneself; a sort of emotional resonance.

One of the foundation skills that contributes to a manager's or leader's success is the skill of empathy. It starts with self-awareness, in that understanding your own emotions is essential to understanding the feelings of others. It is crucial to effective communication and to leading others.

Without an adequate capacity to understand the other's point of view, some managers lack sufficient flexibility for change, cannot work well with team collaboration, and cannot relate well with the very people that affect the results they are trying to achieve.

Both managers and employees need empathy in order to interact well with customers, suppliers, the general public and with each other. Managers need it even more when they are assigning a task to someone who won't like it; when offering criticism to someone who predictably will get defensive; when having to deal with someone we don't like; when dealing with employee disputes; and when giving bad news such as telling someone that they won't be promoted or that they're being laid off. The first step in dealing with any negativity is to empathize. The next step is to focus back to the goals and the tasks at hand.

SKILLS INDICATORS

• Understanding others: Sensing others' feelings and perspectives, and taking an active interest in their concerns

• Service orientation: Anticipating, recognizing and meeting customers' needs

• Developing others: Sensing others' development needs and bolstering their abilities

• Leveraging diversity: Cultivating opportunities through diverse people

• Political awareness: Reading the political and social currents in an organization

Here are some steps to take to begin improving empathy as an effective management tool. Keep a log of situations in which you felt you were able to demonstrate empathy and a log in which you felt you did not. Make a note of missed opportunities to respond with empathy. Become aware of incidents where there may be some underlying concerns that are not explicitly expressed by others. Make a note of possible emotions or feelings that the other person may be experiencing. Keep an open mind and never assume, merely explore the possibilities. Develop a list of questions to ask at your next encounter with that person. Try to make the questions open-ended, that is, questions that can't be answered by yes or no. Practice listening without interrupting. Wait until the other person is complete with their point of view before offering yours.

Avoid being defensive in order to create an open dialogue where possibilities can be explored freely.

Allow creative time for people to express opinions and ideas without judgment.

Practice active listening: always check out the meaning of what was said with the person speaking. Paraphrasing what was said helps to clear up misconceptions and to deepen understanding

Always bring focus back into the conversation. Remember that optimal effectiveness is achieved by a combination of focus and empathy

Work on achieving an effective balance of focus, goal orientation and empathic listening.

Handling ConflictWhat is conflict Disagreeing with another. Difference of opinion with another. Complaints about our performance. Criticism of our behavior or attitude. Negative evaluation of our performance. Fighting with another. Stress inducing event in which we are confronted in a negative way. Matching of wills. An anger producing event. A threat to our security. Speaking out for our beliefs. Risking the loss of acceptance. A time when no one is communicating; whether people are angry silently or are yelling at one another. Someone acting in direct opposition to our request. Defending our rights when they are being ignored.

If Conflict is not handled well, a person may feel

scared frightened ignored confused isolated challenged threatened unwanted disliked put down controlled judgmental

If a conflict is handled well, a person feels:

confident relieved listened to clear on things more intimate with others challenged to grow open to truth accepted by others respected supported understood accepting of differences

Fair fighting is a way to manage conflict and associated feelings effectively. To fight fairly, you just need to follow some basic guidelines to help keep your disagreements from becoming entrenched or destructive. This may be difficult when you think another's point of view is silly, irrational, or just plain unfair. But remember, he or she may think the same thing about your ideas.

Remain calm. Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By remaining calm it will be more likely that others will consider your viewpoint.

Express feelings in words, not actions. Telling someone directly and honestly how you feel can be a very powerful form of communication. If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose control, take a "time out" and do something to help yourself feel steadier - take a walk, do some deep breathing, pet the cat, play with the dog, do the dishes - whatever works for you.

Be specific about what is bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to work on.

Deal with only one issue at a time. Don't introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the "kitchen sink" effect where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved.

No "hitting below the belt." Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability.

Avoid accusations. Accusations will cause others to defend themselves. Instead, talk about how someone's actions made you feel.

Don't generalize. Avoid words like "never" or "always." Such generalizations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions.

Avoid "make believe." Exaggerating or inventing a complaint - or your feelings about it - will prevent the real issues from surfacing. Stick with the facts and your honest feelings.

Don't stockpile. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time is counterproductive. It's almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which interpretations may differ. Try to deal with problems as they arise.

Avoid clamming up. When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. Positive results can only be attained with two-way communication.

Establish common ground rules. You may even want to ask your partner-in-conflict to read and discuss this brochure with you. When parties accept positive common ground rules for managing a conflict, resolution becomes much more likely

Positive confrontation has a simple rule. It’s easy. When you wish to confront someone, WAC them. WAC’em is an acronym. Each letter stand for a key step in getting your words for a difficult conversation together.

W – What’s really bothering you? A – Ask – What do you want to ask the other person to do. C – Check In – You’ve asked the other person to change something

about his/her behaviour. What does he/she think about it, check in and find out.

Be specific – Describe the person’s behaviour, don’t judge it.

Don’t label or generalise – Avoid statements with words like “selfish”, “inconsiderate”, “always”, or “nevers”

Understand the effect the person’s behaviour has on you. Use positive wording to express your W, including “I”

statements.

Don’t use negative or harsh words, like bother, annoy, stupid, etc.

Use a softening statement to put the other person at ease, when appropriate.

You must be specific about your A. If you’re not specific in what you ask the other person to do, you may not get what you want but what the other person thinks you want or what the person wants to do or give.

Deciding upon how direct you must be – Depending upon your relationship with the person or the seriousness of the situation, you choose to be very direct or less so.

Position v/s Want – A want states your desired outcome. A position on the other hand is much stronger and has much more significance. A position has a consequence to it. Don’t state a position unless you are prepared to follow through.

Ask for what is possible – When you ask for what you want, it must be in the person’s power or ability to give it to you.

The C is often a question that requires a response from the other person. It’s important to know that the other person has heard your and you need to hear the other person’s thoughts or opinions. The other person may have good ideas too.

Your C can be as simple as asking the other person, “Okay?”

Some other phrases might include: Is that okay?

What do you think?

Can that happen?

Use of ‘I’ Focus on problem solving Don’t Deceive Empathy Listen Use of Praise

Be specific Praise progress Sincere Don’t overdo Timing

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Understand the Reason behind Empathy Don’t personalize criticism Do not be Judgmental Do not overload

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Smile Be Appreciative Pay Attention to others Practice Active Listening Bring people together Don’t be afraid of using Humor to lower

barriers

Poor Listening Emotional Arousal Lack of Time Differences in objective

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