Four%Horsemen%of%the%Apocalypse:%

John%Gottman’sTheory:%

! John%Gottman is%a%psychologist%who%is%interested%in%not%only%%answering%the%question%why%do%relationships%fail?%But%also%what%qualities%do%couples%individually%possess%that%will%ultimately%lead%to%failure

His$famous$study:

! 1998:$Gottman developed$a$model$$to$predict$which$newlywed$couples$would$remain$married$and$which$would$divorce$within$the$next$4=6$years.$This$model$had$92%$accuracy.$

! 2000:$Gottman’s follow=up$study$with$newlywed$couples,$used$oral$history$interview$to$predict$marital$stability$and$divorce.$Gottman’s model$fit$with$a$90%$accuracy$for$classifying$couples$who$divorce$($or$not)$within$the$couples’$first$five$years$of$marriage.$He$used$couples’$perceptions$about$their$marriages$and$each$other$to$model$marital$stability$or$divorce.$$

So#WHAT#will#ruin#a#

relationship?#

! 1.#Criticism#

! 2.#Contempt#

! 3.#Defensiveness#

! 4.#Stonewalling

1.#Criticism:#

! Attacking#your#partner’s#personality#or#character,#usually#with#the#intent#of#making#someone#right#and#someone#wrong:#

! These%kinds%of%remarks%are%always%started%with%the%following%sentence%starters:%

1. You#ALWAYS…2. You#NEVER…3. You’re%the%type%of%person%who…4. Why%are%you%so..

2.#Contempt:#

! Attacking)your)partner’s)sense)of)self)with)the)intention)of)insult)or)psychologically)abuse)him/her:

1. Insults)and)Name?Calling)(#You#whore,#I#hate#you,#you’re#lazy,#worthless,#a#pile)#

2. Hostile)humor,#sarcasm#or#mockery#

3.#Defensiveness:#

! Seeing#yourself#as#the#victim,#warding#off#a#perceived#attack#by:#

1. Making)excuses)(#Its#not#my#fault,#I#didn’t)#

2. Cross3Complaining (meeting#your#partner’s#complaint#,#or#criticism#with#a#complaint#of#your#own,#ignoring#what#your#partner#said)#

3. Disagreeing)and)then)cross3complaining)(#No#I#didn’t,#you#did)#

4. Yes3Butting

5. Not)paying)attention)to)the)other)person

6. Whining

Reactive(Listening(vs(

Active(Listening:(

Reactive(Listening:(

! No(I(didn’t(…

! Absolutely(not…

! At(least(I(don’t(…

! That’s(not(true,(I(always…

Active(Listening:

! What(did(you(mean(by…

! Tell(me(more(about…

! What(specifically(bothered(you(about..

! So(you’re(saying(that…

What%could%ruin%active%listening?%

4.#Stonewalling:#

! Withdrawing#from#the#relationship#as#a#way#to#avoid#conflict.#Partners#may#think#they#are#trying#to#be#neutral#but#stonewalling#conveys#disapproval,#Icey#distance,#separation,#disconnection,#and#or#mean#smugness.#

Examples:*(*Pick*3)*

1. Stony*silence*

2. Saying*things*under*your*breath

3. Changing*the*subject*

4. Removing*yourself*physically

5. Silent*Treatment*

Rules&for&Fair&Fighting:&

! Fighting'happens,'how'do'we'fight'fair?'

! Come'up'with'10'rules'as'a'group

Rules&for&Fighting&Fair:&

Rule%#1:%No%Degrading%Language%Rule%#2:%No%Blaming%Rule%#3:%No%Yelling%Rule%#4:%No%use%of%Force%Rule%#5:%No%talk%of%Divorce/%BreakupRule%#6:%Define%yourself,%not%your%spouse/%significant%other%Rule%#7:%Stay%in%the%PresentRule%#8:%Take%turns%speaking%Rule%#9:%When%necessary,%use%timeNouts

Rule%#1:

Rule%#2:%

Rule%#3:%

Rule%#4:%

Rule%#5:%

Rule%#6:%

Rule%#7:%

Rule%#8:%

Rule%#%9:%