News and Noteworthy:

Area Teen Seeks Attention

“Apples to Apples” Cited as Cause of 1/17 of All Domestic Violence Cases in 2011

Retired Police Commissioner Claims Batman Sighting Ghost of Richard Nixon Signed On To Host VMAs

Ghostbusters Reunion Set For MTV VMAs

Apple TV Introduces “Granny Smith” Model Targeted Towards Senior Citizens

Turtles File Injunction Against Wax

Comedian Gallagher Finds True Calling as Gondola Tour Guide in Venice

VMA jokes in “Lasers and Pizza” win worst jokes of the year at annual Joke Council

#2

LASERS AND PIZZA“Proudly Un-Googleable ”

MATTERS REGARDING RAY LEWISOh, you think you’re so great huh? You won the Super Bowl? Who cares? You know who else won the Super Bowl? Trent Dilfer. You think you’re so tough? Think again mister.

Ray Lewis, I’m challenging you to a Gentlemen’s Duel. We shall settle this like men. Using the ancient method that all real men use to settle their battles…through dance. Ray Lewis, if you’re a real man, meet me in the parking lot of Meijer off of Old Rt. 44, on the night of February 17th at approximately 8:00pm for a dance-off.

Sharon?

This nonsense publication was edited by:“The Genius of 3rd Bolt”

Copyright © 2013 by L&P Press. All Rights Reserved.

PLEASE, IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAS ANYTHING FUNNY TO SAY AT ALL, WRITE TO THIS MAGAZINE AT:

LASERS AND PIZZA7548 WHITEHALL CIRCLEWEST CHESTER, OHIO 45069

WE WILL REPLY TO ANY AND ALL SUBMISSIONS. IF YOUR WORK MEETS OUR LOW STANDARDS WE WILL PUBLISH IT! YOU WILL NOT GET COMPENSATED FOR ANY WORK SUBMITTED BECAUSE THIS IS A FREE PUBLICTION (IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY MONEY).

BACK HANDY’S SHALLOW THOUGHTS

I’M BEGINNING TO THINK QUEEN LATIFAH ISN’T A REAL QUEEN.

I ALWAYS GO ONE STEP PASSED THE SIGN THAT SAYS “POINT OF NO RETURN” JUST TO SPITE SIGN-MAKERS IN GENERAL.

UGH…I HATE BEING THE SEVENTH WHEEL ON A MORMON FIRST DATE.

I ACCIDENTALLY SQUEEKED MY SHOE ON THE FLOOR AT A HOT TOPIC AND NOW I’M ON THE LINEUP FOR WARPED TOUR.

IT’S RAINING CATS AND DOGS AT THIS ANIMAL MASS SUICIDE.

I’M THE HARRY HOUDINI OF NOT ADDENDING MY GIRLFRIENDS’ FUNERALS

“CREEPS WITH CREPES” THE WORST PLACE FOR BRUNCH.

MY DAD WAS HUMMING ON HIS FLIGHT HOME FROM PUERTO RICO AND HE WON 3 LATIN GRAMMYS.

“HOW MANY UNFUNNY JOKES CAN I MAKE BEFORE INEVITABLY BECOMING A YOUTH PASTOR?” –REAL THOUGHT, NOT A JOKE

THIS WEEK’S ISSUE OF “LASERS AND PIZZA HUMOUR MAGAZINE” IS SPONSORED BY: DISPAIR

“FOR WHEN SELF-LOATHING JUST DOESN’T CUT IT.”

REVIEWS:“Don’t touch me there.” –Cleveland Plain Dealer

GHOST JOKESGHOULS ARE JUST HIPSTER GHOSTS.

“THAT’S THE SPIRIT” SHOULD ONLY BE SPOKEN IN GHOST COURT OF LAW.

“GHOST PROTOCOL” IS THE TITLE OF THE BOOK THEY GIVE YOU THE DAY YOU BECOME

A GHOST.

I HAVEN’T HEARD THIS MANY DUMB GHOST JOKES SINCE THE SCROOGE McDUCK

CHRISTMAS CAROL TV MOVIE.(deep reference)

“FRED’S QUALITY MEATS”

Conveniently located off of Old Rt. 44 behind the 7/11

dumpster.

“Eat your heart out,

“FRED’S QUALITY SHEETS”

Conveniently located off of Old Rt. 44 behind the 7/11 dumpster next to “Fred’s

Quality Meats”.

BOO!

ADVICE FROM A CHILL DAD

Sometimes, when I used to work at Wendy’s, I would change the TV

monitor to the Food Network just to show the customers what they were

missing.

"Son, love is like a cold beer. You don’t realize how much you need it until it’s gone."

"But Dad, you and mom have been divorced for years now."

"What!? Since when? Go out and get me a damn beer."

AREA GNOMES BOOKED AS UNICORN

POPULATION PLUMMETS

Gov’t crackdown on unicorn horn-trade intensifies as

Gimli mounts million-gnome march.

L O S T

MOUNTAIN PYGMY OWL

Last seen fluttering around area drinking

fountain.

CONSPIRACY CORNER:REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN JOHN BOEHNER IS ACTUALLY AN A MUTANT OOMPA-LOOMPA

EVIDENCE:1) BOEHNER HAS ALLOCATED MILLIONS OF

GOVERNMENT FUNDS FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF ORANGE PEOPLE

2) BOEHNER OWNS A VHS COPY OF “WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY”

3) OOMPA LOOMPAS HAVE SUPPORTED THE GOP IN ALL LOCAL, STATE AND NATIONAL ELECTIONS

4) THEY LOOK ALIKE5) HEY, WHAT MORE CAN I SAY? CASE

CLOSED.

S

John Boehner John Boehner (Age 12)

CALVIN COLLEGE: Actor/Comedian Bill Murray sighted playing Dominos in 3rd Bolt

LOCAL JOKEY JOKESTER’S JOKEY JOKES:

WHAT’S WHITE, BLACK, AND READ ALL OVER?

THE HAUNTING SADNESS OF THE PAINFUL REALITY OF EXISTANCE AND THE

GRAND RAPIDS: ESPN’s Stewart Scott was sighted recently at local Jimmy John’s, oh wait,

HA HA!

CALVIN COLLEGE: Actor/Comedian Bill Murray sighted playing Dominos in 3rd Bolt

JOKEY JOKESTER’S JOKEY JOKES:

WHAT’S WHITE, BLACK, AND READ ALL OVER?

THE HAUNTING SADNESS OF THE PAINFUL REALITY OF EXISTANCE AND THE

GRAND RAPIDS: ESPN’s Stewart Scott was sighted recently at local Jimmy John’s, oh wait,