Leadership in Marriage

Understanding the Patriarchal Order

Rick MillerSchool of Family Life

Brigham Young University

Week’s Outline

Tuesday: Understanding the patriarchal order in doctrinal context

Wednesday: Common styles of leadership in marriage

Thursday: Principles of righteous leadership in marriage

Friday: Presiding, Providing, and Protecting

True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.

Boyd K. Packer, Nov. 1986 Ensign, 17.

Understanding the patriarchal order in doctrinal context

Problems Experienced by Couples

1. Communication (87%)2. Leadership Issues (62%)3. Unrealistic expectations (50%)4. Physical Intimacy (47%)5. Conflict management (47%)

Doctrine #1

The Patriarchal Order: Men are the Leaders

in the Home

The Lord's government is patriarchal in nature. The family unit is the center.… Those married in the temple in the new and everlasting covenant of marriage become inheritors of all the blessings of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and all the patriarchs and thereby enter into the patriarchal order. If the participating parties abide in the eternal marriage covenant, they shall reap the full blessings of patriarchal heirship in eternity where the patriarchal order will be the order of government and rule.

Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, p.559

How did Adam bring his descendants into the presence of the Lord? The answer: Adam and his descendants entered into the priesthood order of God. Today we would say they went to the house of the Lord and received their blessings. The order of priesthood spoken of in the scriptures is sometimes referred to as the patriarchal order because it came down from father to son. But this order is otherwise described in modern revelation as an order of family government wherein a man and woman enter into a covenant with God -- just as did Adam and Eve -- to be sealed for eternity, to have posterity, and to do the will and work of God throughout their mortality.

Ezra Taft Benson, TETB, 257

There is no higher authority in matters relating to the family organization, and especially when that organization is presided over by one holding the higher Priesthood, than that of father. The authority is time honored, and among the people of God in all dispensations it has been highly respected and often emphasized by the teachings of the prophets who were inspired of God.

The patriarchal order is of divine origin and will continue throughout time and eternity.... In the home the presiding authority is always vested in the father, and in all home affairs and family matters there is no other authority paramount.... This patriarchal order has its divine spirit and purpose, and those who disregard it under one pretext or another are out of harmony with the spirit of God's laws....

Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 286-287.

Of necessity there must be in the Church and in the home a presiding officer.... By divine appointment, the responsibility to preside in the home rests upon the priesthood holder.

Howard W. Hunter, Nov. 1994 Ensign, page 49

It is a cardinal teaching of the Church that the man is the head of the family. He is to be the bread-winner. It teaches him how to preside in that home through his priesthood power. It teaches that the wife is to be a companion to her husband and stand by his side. There is to be no confusion as to the roles of husband and wife.

A. Theodore Tuttle, Conference Report, October 1969, 132

In the Lord's system of government, every organizational unit must have a presiding officer. He has decreed that in the family organization the father assumes this role. He bears the priesthood ordination. He is accountable before the Lord for this leadership.

Dean L. Larsen, Sept. 1982 Ensign, 6

Doctrine #2

Men and Women are Equal

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.

Declaration on the Family

A man who holds the priesthood accepts his wife as a partner in the leadership of the home and family with full knowledge of and full participation in all decisions relating thereto…. The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership.Howard W. Hunter, Nov. 1994 Ensign,

page 49

The wife you choose will be your equal. Paul declared, “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” (1 Cor. 11:11).

In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.

Gordon B. Hinckley May 2002 Ensign, 52

Our sisters do not wish to be indulged or to be treated condescendingly; they desire to be respected and revered as our sisters and our equals. I mention all these things, my brethren, not because the doctrines or teachings of the Church regarding women are in any doubt, but because in some situations our behavior is of doubtful quality.

Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK, 317-318.

The place of the woman in the church is to walk beside the man, not in front of him nor behind him. In the Church there is full equality between man and woman. The gospel, which is the only concern o f the Church, was devised by the Lord for men and women alike.

John A. Widstoe, March 1942 Improvement Era, 161.

When we speak of marriage as a partnership, let us speak of marriage as a full partnership. We do not want our LDS women to be silent partners or limited partners in that eternal assignment! Please be a contributing and full partner.

Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK, 315

Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.

Gordon B. Hinckley, Aug. 1992, Ensign,

page 6

‘ and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.' (Genesis 3:16) I have a question about the word rule. It gives the wrong impression. I would prefer to use the word preside because that's what he does. A righteous husband presides over his wife and family.

Spencer W. Kimball, March 1976 Ensign, 70

Marriage is an equal partnership between husband and wife. Each has a specific role. The father who holds the priesthood fills most successfully the role of director and protector of the group. Hopefully his position is never one of autocratic direction, but only of cooperative consideration carried out in perfect love and unselfishness.

Camilla Kimball, Writings of Camilla Eyring

Kimball, 114

Under the gospel plan marriage is a companionship, with equality between partners. We walk side by side with respect, appreciation, and love one for another. There can be nothing of inferiority or superiority between the husband and wife in the plan of the Lord.

Gordon B. Hinckley, TGBH, 322

Remember, brethren, that in your role as leader in the family, your wife is your companion. As President Gordon B. Hinckley has taught: "In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are coequals." Since the beginning, God has instructed mankind that marriage should unite husband and wife together in unity. Therefore, there is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. They are united together in word, in deed, and in action as they lead, guide, and direct their family unit. They are on equal footing.

L. Tom Perry, May 2004 Ensign, 71

Doctrine #3

Gospel leadership means service.

25. But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Ye know that the princes of the Gentiles exercise dominion over them, and they that are great exercise authority upon them.

26. But it shall not be so among you: but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister;

27. And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant:

28. Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.

Matthew 20:25 - 28

Several times concern arose over precedence among the Twelve -- one time with some "strife." Another episode involving Jesus' effort to disabuse His disciples about status occurred in connection with His final Passover feast. Again, He stressed to the Twelve their leader-servant role. Finally, having washed the feet of the Twelve, Jesus pleaded with the original Twelve to love one another as He loved them. Likewise, the Nephite Twelve were carefully counseled against having doctrinal and other disputations among them.

Surely Jesus has given us the model of the leader-servant in which the pattern evokes, "How can I help?", not "How can I help myself?" The leader-servant is perfectly epitomized by Jesus, and if we are to become like Him, so it must be with us.

Neal A. Maxwell, Even As I Am, p.62