While team officials lobby the Arizonastate legislature for public money to fund anew Spring Training facility for the Cubs,several off-season improvements weremade to HoHoKam Park thanks to a specialreferendum in Maricopa County.

Voters approved by nearly 18-to-1 thenew “Beer Bong Tax” which allowed for theinstallation of a 20-foot high beer bong inHoHoKam’s lawn section. The Cubs willbear no brunt of the tax as it will be phasedacross the other 14 teams in the CactusLeague.

“Some guy in a fancy pinstripe suitnamed Crane told me I’d get free beer if Ivoted ‘Yes for Beer Bong,’” said ScottDavidson of nearby Tempe. “I can’t wait togive it a whirl.”

The Cubs organization has denied havinganything to do with the “Free Beer” cam-paign, and instead will hit consumers with a$30 surcharge per bong attempt along withthe $9.50 regular charge for a can of OldStyle.

-- Jeremy Barewin

CUBS UNVEIL SPRING TRAINING BEER BONG

FIND BREAKING NEWSAT THEHECKLER.COM

‘Unbelievable Chicago sports coverage’www.theheckler.com

MARCH 2010Vol. 8, Issue 3FREE

White Sox fans go on spring training crime spree PAGE 7

Cubs unveil ‘trough express’ passes inrenovated bathrooms PAGE 3

Beware WOO! the Ides WOO!of March WOO! PAGE 14

If your next paycheck seems a bitlighter than usual, don’t worry; youprobably didn’t get a salary reduction.The more likely explanation is theCubs’ new program to take a regularcut of fans’ earnings in return for tick-et packages for the upcoming season.

“We’re always looking for ways tomake it easier for the Cubbie faithfulto get tickets, like with our WrigleyField Premium Ticket Services,” saidCubs President Crane Kenney. “Butwith this new program, we’ll be tak-ing out the middle man instead ofadding one.”

Kenney stressed the value proposi-tion for customers, who will now beforced to make tough decisions aboutstaples such as food and transporta-tion every pay period.

“What’s more important? Havingthree meals a day or getting seats inthe first few rows behind the firstbase line for a game against theCards?” he said. “To me, the answeris obvious. These are top-notch tick-ets, and fans are going to appreciatethe added convenience. And whoknows? They might actually get tosee some decent baseball.”

-- Brian Summerfield

The tally: two scraped elbows and abruised thumb. It doesn’t sound like much,but when it comes to the dorks inChicago’s sports blogosphere, it’s as vio-lent as it gets.

Witnesses said there was nothing espe-cially violent about the blogger battle. Oneguy accidentally slammed his laptop on hisown thumb while the other scraped hiselbows after slipping on spilled coffee andfalling to the floor.

“It was really quite pathetic,” said DaleJefferson, head of mall security atWoodfield. “These losers are geeky com-

puter pansies and that’s exactly how itlooked when they fought with each other.”

The bloggers didn’t see it that way. Tothem, it’s an important battle over whatthey call, “typing turf.”

“Those DiggingtheIvy.com clowns actlike they invented the in-game discussionthread,” said Ryan Williams ofGotTheCubbyBlues.com, a sports blog cel-ebrating the Cubs’ history of ineptitude.“But everyone who’s anyone in the blogos-phere knows we were the first Cubs site todo that.”

The Webmaster of Williams’ rival site

didn’t see it that way. “Williams is such a loser,” said Pat

Snyder of DiggingtheIvy.com. “He’s justjealous because we have 30 registeredusers, which is like seven more thanthem.”

Peace between the warring bloggers wasrestored when both realized they shared avery high level of disdain for Cubs beatwriters Paul Sullivan of the ChicagoTribune and the Sun-Times’ GordonWittenmyer, whom the bloggers agreedwere “total hacks.”

-- Michael Kloempken

Two dorks injured as blogger war turns violent

20-foot tube installed inHoHoKam lawn section Team plans

to garnishyour wages‘You’ll get some topnotch tickets all right!’ says Crane Kenney

What to look for this month in the sports world

ON DECKDerrick Rosebegins courtingpotential 2010free agentLeBron Jamesby assist ingJames on sever-al a l ley-oopplays, leadingto a 190-45Cavs win (James f inishes withNBA record 129 points) .

3/19: Rose courtsLeBron to join Bulls

Good gamblers will tell you that the first and secondrounds of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament arethe greatest four days of gambling every year. But greatgamblers all know that the Women’s Tournament iswhere the money is made by betting the under of everygame. Heck, I made more money on this strategy than Idid throwing baseball games. But in case you needsome additional action to keep the juices flowing, hereare some tips. Let’s gamble!

37: Total days spent on the DL by Cubs playerswho are injured as a result of an errant battingpractice pitch from Carlos Marmol.

84: Percent chance the Cubs will rush StarlinCastro to the Majors before he can tell the difference between a fastball and a slider.

7,231: Times that Hawk Harrelson will say“plenty of good seats still available” duringWhite Sox telecasts in 2010.

42: Number of new ticket and concession surcharges the Cubs will invent in 2010.

April 10: Blackhawks Fan Appreciation Day.

April 11: Blackhawks Bandwagon FanAppreciation Day.

3/14Lou Piniella

forgets why hereturned to Cubsin 2010, says he’spretty sure it 's due to thepostgame buffets.

3/22Patrick Kane

parks in JoakimNoah’s parkingspace, the twobrief ly scuff le buteventual ly make-up over a mani-cure/pedicure(charging them toBrad Mil ler ’scredit card, whichNoah l i f ted earl ierin the day).

3/23Michael Jordan loses Bobcats

in poker game to CharlesBarkley, who then trades teamfor a $5 Taco Bel l NBA box.

3/21J a s o n K i d d

r e c o r d s1 , 0 0 0 , 0 0 0 t hc a r e e r t r i p l e -d o u b l e a n ds e c o n d c a r e e rd o m e s t i c v i o -l e n c e c h a r g e i n1 2 3 - 1 2 0 w i nv s . B u l l s .

3/25T i g e r ’ s W o o d

( a n a u t o b i o g -r a p h y b y T i g e rW o o d s ’ g e n i t a l s ) h i t sN o . 1 o n t h eN e w Y o r kT i m e s b e s ts e l l e r s l i s t .

CUBS NEWSTM

MARCH 2010 | 3

In the Ricketts family’s continu-ing quest to enhance amenitieswhile preserving Wrigley Field tra-ditions, new Trough Express wash-room passes are now available forthe 2010 season.

Season passes can be purchasedonline for $1,000 plus applicableconvenience fees, sales, amuse-ment and luxury taxes. A limitednumber of passes will be offered.

“This is the perfect way to give

our honored guests the trueWrigley experience while avoidingthe typical rush and long lines,”said Ricketts. “And trust me, youhaven’t gone until you’ve gone in agiant-sized trough!”

A Trough Express pass is the per-fect companion for the weak-blad-dered season ticket holder, the out-of-touch multi-millionaire or theyuppie, self-entitled douchebag.

“It’s about time we had our own

private troughs,” said a-hole sea-son ticket holder James Lloyd ofLake Forest. “Why should I haveto wait in line with those otherdrunken idiots?”

Trough Express stations will bepositioned next to most existingmen’s washrooms. They are easilyspotted with a red carpet entranceand guarded by blue-haired, 80-year-old bouncers.

-- Brian Berns

Cubs unveil ‘trough express’ passes

Comcast SportsNet launches newshow ‘Chicago Sports Team PR Hour’

PINIELLA DEBUTS NEW‘SUPER GUT’ FROM

OFFSEASON REGIMEN

Comcast SportsNet will debutits newest show, Chicago SportsTeam PR Hour, this Monday at 7 p.m.. According to programdirector Ed Malone, the newoffering will serve as an alternateviewpoint on the state of sports inthe city.

“Our current programs, likeSportsRISE and SportsNITE fea-ture extremely hard-hitting, unbi-ased reporting on Chicago’ssports teams,” he said. “In theface of the withering criticism ofanchors like Pat Boyle, GailFischer and Luke Stuckmeyer, wejust felt it was time to balance

things out a bit.”And so, beginning next week,

Chicago Sports Team PR Hourwill finally give the Cubs, Sox,Bulls and Blackhawks a voice onthe network they partially own.

“Too long have we been unableto defend ourselves against thespurious attacks of so-called TVpersonalities like Chuck Garfeinand Chris Boden,” said Cubs GMJim Hendry. “They’re monsters—that’s what they are.”

The new show will feature aroundtable format, comprised oftwo PR experts from each of theChicago teams. Segments include

“Buy This Merchandise” and“Totally Justified Ticket Prices.”

“We’re also going to breakdown the best highlights fromthat week,” said a Cubsspokesperson. “And if therearen’t any, we’ll just talk somemore about the awesomeness ofWrigley Field. Truly a one-of-a-kind game experience. Just likeU.S. Cellular and the UnitedCenter. I’m contractually obligat-ed to remind people that all threevenues are one-of-a-kind. Whichmakes Chicagoans the luckiestfans in the world! Woot!”

-- George Ellis

SPRING TRAINING NEWS4 | MARCH 2010

Ronnie Woo-Woo finds old broken typewriter in alley;Only has ‘W’ and ‘O’ keys so he can still write memoirs

Soriano to use redwood tree for bat

Unofficial Cubs mascot Ronnie Woo-WooWickers recently found a broken typewriteron top of a dumpster in a Wrigleyville alley,and subsequently used it to peck his waythrough his memoirs.

“Even though the typewriter he foundonly has the ‘W’ and ‘O’ keys, Mr.Wickers amazingly wrote his memoirs,”said Joshua Ford, a representative of Woo-

Woo’s publisher. “Without giving anything away, the book

humorously recounts the time Ronnie waswalking down Clark Street and was struckby a slow moving car that was backing up,”said Ford.

Woo-Woo is currently promoting the bookahead of its April 1 release date.

“Read all about the time I WOO! was ban-

ished from WOO! the City of SchaumburgWOO for WOO wooing from an apartmentbalcony after midnight WOO!” saidWickers.

Ford promises many Cubs fans will con-sider the book a great read despite consistingof only two letters over and over, and that itwill top the Wrigleyville best sellers list thisyear. -- Rob C. Christiansen

Fan showsup to campway, wayout of shape

When Alfonso Soriano report-ed to Spring Training in Mesaonly 80 percent recovered fromknee surgery, many wonderedwhat the $136 million man hadbeen doing all off-season.Scheduled to rehab in theDominican Republic, Sorianoapparently shifted gears some-time last December and set upcamp in northern California insearch of some new lumber.

“There are no trees in SanPedro de Macoris,” said Soriano.“With all the whiffing I’ve beendoing since I came to Chicago, Ifigured it was time to pick out

some new wood for my bats.”After several months of

methodically scouring SequoiaNational Park for the biggestand densest redwood tree in theforest, Soriano finally found amatch.

“It measures 200 feet tall and8 feet around, and I decided totake the whole tree back withme,” said the Cubs outfielder.“When I bring my new redwoodto the plate, I guarantee to nevermiss the low outside curveballin the dirt, and always hit thehome run.”

-- Jeremy Barewin

Forgetting the physical and emo-tional strain cheering for the Cubsrequires, 37-year-old Chicagonative Danny McKanister foundhimself grossly out of shape whenhe arrived at Spring Training. Heexpressed regret about not prepar-ing himself for the grueling base-ball schedule, especially when itcomes to alcohol consumption.

“I just simply forgot how muchyou have to drink during Cubsgames,” said McKanister. “But I'mpracticing now and should be infine shape for the season.”

McKanister explained that justlike the Cubs players, the fans arealso expected to be prepared forthe long campaign ahead.

“I thought being 40 poundsoverweight and very bitter waspreparation enough,” explainedMcKanister. “But I simply wasn’tdrinking enough to prepare for this... I owe an apology to the teamand to Cubs fans everywhere.”

-- Andy Landgrebe

CUBS SPRING NEWSTM

6 | MARCH 2010

Total piece of crap becomesvaluable by adding Cubs logo

MIT professorsprove right fielddoes, indeed, suck

After a $2.6 million research study thatanalyzed a collection of data for 24 years,MIT physicists can now definitely say whatmany patrons from the left field bleachershave been saying for years: right field sucks.

“Due to vortexes tied to atmospheric imbal-ances and various spontaneous symmetrybreakdowns, right field seems to be sufferingfrom what, in quantum mechanics, we like tocall a vacuum state,” said Dr. Alvin Lumpkin,head of the U.S. Deptartment of Earth,Atmospheric, and Planetary Sciences at a gath-ering of Nobel Prize winners in a local

Denny’s. “The effect of this state is a condi-tion of suckitude, which is to say, right fieldsucks.”

Next on the agenda for the scientists? Leftfield.

According to Dr. Lumpkin, it appears thatamong the chief causes for the vortex in rightfield is a similar atmospheric imbalance inleft field. Although it is only a theory at thistime, Dr. Lumpkin will be working this yearto prove his newest hypothesis that right fieldsucks primarily because left field blows.

-- Dave Narter

Parking lot cornhole better than spring gameIn a groundbreaking marketing study,researchers have shown that adding a Cubslogo to any total piece of crap can increase itsvalue tenfold.

The study, funded by that souvenir venderwho yells, “Hey souvenir guy!” at mostCubs games, shows a variety of low-quality,relatively pointless objects, ranging fromfoam fingers to cheap metal watering cans,can sell for upwards of $10 to $15, just solong as they have a Cubs sticker crudelyplastered to them.

These results closely mirror those from a

similar study, led by the Society-For-Overpriced-Novelty-Shot-Glasses, whichfound that drunk Cubs fans would be will-ing to pay $15 for shot glasses that normal-ly sell for just a few bucks, even if the Cubslogo “would obviously fall off” if the glasswas ever put in a dishwasher.

Many venders stand to profit from thesefindings, and plan on placing Cubs stickerson random crap they find in industrialDumpsters, which will likely sell quite wellon game day.

-- Jeff GoodSmith

Cubs fan Mark Benson left HoHoKamPark in the middle of a recent game againstthe Brewers after hearing that three collegestudents and a retired police officer wereplaying cornhole in the parking lot.

“Somebody walked by and mentionedthere was a game of bags going on outside,”said Benson. “I figured it couldn't be anyworse than watching a bunch of wiry single-A backups duke it out for four more innings.”

A few minutes after finding the cornholegame in aisle 6E of the parking lot, Benson

got a glimpse of the most exciting action ofthe day, when Ohio State University sopho-more Craig Smith holed three consecutivebags to seal the victory for his team.

“It was awesome! Way better than any-thing I've seen in there,” said Benson, point-ing at the stadium, where he has attended sixgames so far this spring. “You can tell[Smith] possesses some real skill, plus he dida 15-second kegstand after winning. I'd liketo see Starlin Castro do that.”

-- George Ellis

MEMORABILIA NEWS

ey dere Sox fans. Well, it’sbeen kinda quiet down onda sout’ side, since da real

baseball games still don’t start foranudder mont or so.

So over the offseason, ol’ Joehad a chance to catch up on someof da current events on wunnadose news channels. But that gotpretty boring after five minutes orso, so I headed on over to datMTV to watch da Jersey Shoremarathon.

Man, what a buncha classyguys! Dey’d be right home on dasouth side. We even gotta tanningsalon down da street for dem …well, actually it’s just our buddyWentworth Willie’s basement wit’a buncha table lamps he found atda dump, but it still works reallygood.

Anyway, it got Joe to thinkin’,why couldn’t I be on wunna dosereality shows? I mean, I got char-acter. I got personality. And I’msuper classy, just like dose guys.

I wanna call it “ South Shore .”It’ll be all about my buddies andme watchin’ da Sox and breakin’stuff. Tell me you wouldn’t watchthat.

Dose Jersey Shore guys gottheir GTL—gym, tan, laundry. Onda South Side, we got GTL too,

only it’s: Go to da Jewels; Take acase of beer; Leave widdoutpayin’. GTL, baby!

Dey got a guy whose nicknameis “Da Situation.” Ol’ Joe’s got anickname too. Dey call me “DaOverbite.” Still not sure what itmeans, but it’s gotta be good,right?

Dey’re always gettin’ in fightsat the bar. But I bet dey wouldn’tlast two minutes at a Bridgeportbrawl. Why, just last week mybuddy Kenny Wood just got apool cue shoved up his [expletivedeleted] at Shinnick’s. Took thedoctor [our udder buddy, Alsip Al,who isn’t actually a doctor, but hespent a lotta time in the emer-gency room as a kid] five hours toget it out!

And who needs Snooki whenyou got my baby momma, SouthSide Tina. You want some drama?Tina’s got drama! Especially wit’our new twins, 63rd and Archer, intow. J-Woww’s got nothin’ on dat!

H

SOX NEWSTM

MARCH 2010 | 7

DDaa nneeww JJeerrsseeyy SShhoorree

By JoeMalonecki

SOUTH SIDEREPORT

Sox to broadcast games in Spanish;Also said to be considering English

Many White Sox TV broad-casts this year will be inSpanish. If all goes well, an all-English broadcast may follow.

While 46 games are slated tobe aired in Spanish, an all-English broadcast is also beingconsidered for fans not fluent in

“Hawkism,” the nonsensicalbabble originated by Sox play-by-play man Hawk Harrelson.Harrelson’s voice would bedubbed over and translated intounderstandable English.

“Our goal is to teach all theyoungsters out there about the

game of baseball,” said WhiteSox color analyst Steve Stone.“For example, ‘Grab somebench’ roughly translates to ‘Thebatter struck out’ and a ‘Ducksnort’... well, there’s no directtranslation there.”

-- Brian Berns

SOX FANS’ SPRING TRAINING BUS TRIPRESULTS IN 6-SSTATE CRIME SPREE

MORE BASEBALL NEWSTM

8 | MARCH 2010

SOX AGREE TO UFCCROSS-PPROMOTION AT THE CELL

Reinsdorf: “We’re basically going to putan octagon fence around our fans”

Like all fans, White Sox fans’ opti-mism runs high before the start of everybaseball season, and there’s no biggerSox backer than announcer Ken ‘Hawk’Harrelson. The only difference betweenHawk and other Sox fans is that his opti-mism borders on delusion.

In an interview last week, Harrelsonpredicted the White Sox would win 267games en route to winning the WorldSeries in 2010.

“I don’t care—these guys will find away to make it happen,” said Harrelson,after he was informed there are only 162games in a season. “We can’t let a littlething like the number of games get inour way. Hell yeah!”

“I think Hawk has finally reached thelevel of Ron Santo,” Twittered OzzieGuillen after hearing the quote fromHarrelson. “What a [expletive deleted].”

People in the Sox organization arenow just starting to ignore what Hawksays outside of his broadcasts. Even GMKenny Williams has had enough ofHawk’s irrational support of anythingWhite Sox.

“I decided that I’d heard enough afterhe told me the U.S. would have won thegold medal in hockey this year if onlyBeckham were playing goalie,” saidWilliams. “And he was dead serious,too.”

-- Michael Kloempken

Overexcited Harrelsonpredicts Sox will win267 games, World Series

Kevin Gregg about to be banished to another countryKevin Gregg, now on the Blue Jays’

pitching staff, will likely be addingCanada to the list of places he is neverwelcome again after fans see his per-formance on the mound this season,assuming he makes the team.

The abysmal showing Gregg had forthe Cubs in 2009 was somehow notenough of a deterrent to prevent theBlue Jays from signing him. Gregg

himself admitted he knew the one placehe could sneak under the radar wasCanada, since all their attention lieselsewhere during the offseason.

“Canadians devote so much of theirattention to hockey that they forgot tocheck my stats from last year,” saidGregg. “It’s going to take them a whileto figure out how bad I really suck.”

-- Andy Landgrebe

EVEN MORE BASEBALL NEWSTM

MARCH 2010 | 9

When the Cubs teamed up withMasterCard this winter to gouge fanson tickets, the White Sox immediatelydecided to follow suit.

However, unlike their North Siderivals, who extorted an extra 20 percenton top of face value for early bird seats,the White Sox instead will offer a 20percent discount to any fan who carriesa credit card. It can be any kind ofcredit card, from a basic pre-paid debitcard, to a higher end Home Depot or

Best Buy credit card, with the onlystipulation being that it must be in thecarrier’s own name.

The promotion has Sox fan BillPawzinikowski excited.

“I’ve had my trailer parked outsidethe Cell for three weeks now,” said theSouth Sider. “I just got a credit cardfrom Wal-Mart, and I can’t wait to putsome tickets on it.”

The White Sox are hoping the pro-motion will increase ticket sales for the2010 season, or at least result in at leastone sell-out of a non-Opening Day,non-Cubs home game.

-- By Drew Adams

MCGWIRE, CLEMENS, BONDS,CANSECO FORM BOY BAND

Sox offer 20% ticketdiscount to any fan carrying a credit cardThe only catch: It musthave their name on it

VISIT THEHECKLER.COMEVERY DAY

FOR GOOD HEALTH

NFL NEWSTM

MARCH 2010 | 11

MMIIKKEE MMAARRTTZZ DDEEVVEELLOOPPSS 112266MMOORREE PPLLAAYYSS TTHHIISS WWEEEEKK

Rod Marinelli haspuppet stringsinstalled in back

While the Bears recentlyappointment of former defensiveline coach Rod Marinelli to defen-sive coordinator may appear to bea legitimate promotion forMarinelli, sources close to theorganization have been claimingthat the coaching shift is purelyornamental.

In fact, Marinelli is rumored tohave undergone offseason sur-gery, having puppet stringsinstalled in his back and shoul-ders, allowing head coach LovieSmith to manipulate him withease.

“Look, since I ran that jerk RonRivera out of town, we’ve beenstruggling on the defensive side ofthe football,” said Smith, whotook control of the defensive play-calling during last year’s atrocious

season. “But Babich had no clue.Last year, I was an absolute disas-ter as defensive coordinator. It’sbeen some of the worst defenseI’ve personally been involved insince St. Louis.”

The Bears won’t draft until thethird round this year, so the out-look for this season isn’t muchbetter.

“If I want to keep my job,multi-million dollar contract,mansion and Mercedes, I’m goingto need somebody to take the fallfor me this season,” said Smith.“Rod is perfect for that. Hecoached the Lions to a 0-16 sea-son. That guy would be lucky ifhe got chosen to coordinate bring-ing snacks after a Pop Warnergame.”

-- Drew Adams

Just moments before the Bearsraised ticket prices yet again, allseason ticket holders were placed ina large room to have the new ratesexplained to them by AntonMintaker, the team’s hypnotist.

After instructing the ticket hold-ers to take a deep breath, countbackwards from 10 and look at apocket watch dangling from hishand, Mintaker went over the rea-sons for the raised prices.

“The recession does not affectyou,” said Mintaker. “And Greg

Olsen will be effectively utilized ina Mike Martz offensive scheme.”

One starry-eyed attendee, whodescribed himself as “willing to doanything for the Bears,” monoto-nously reiterated additional pointsbrought up by Mintaker.

“Best team since 1985,” the fanmumbled along with Mintaker.“Ditka believes in us, Jay Cutlerdoesn’t throw that many intercep-tions, da Bears da Bears da Bears ...da Bears da Bears da Bears.”

-- Jeff GoodSmith

STUFF WE COULDN’T FIT ON OTHER PAGES TM12 | MARCH 2010

Four athletes get DUIs as media houndsKane for being a little tipsy on bus

Hawks Olympic stars miss trees,dirt and other comforts of Canada

Buried in the back pages of lastweekend’s papers were the policereports of several professionalathletes caught behind the wheelwhile intoxicated. But while theytook their mug shots, PatrickKane had his picture snapped byyet another camera phone whileresponsibly taking public trans-portation home after having a fewbeers with friends.

Various talking heads latched

onto the subject, and within hoursuninsightful analysis was flowingon TV, radio and the Internet.

“What kind of example is hesetting with all this partying?”said ESPN Radio’s MarcSilverman, who spent two hoursfocusing on Kane’s tipsy pics dur-ing his highly rated show.

Many fellow athletes with moreexperience have been pummelingthe young Kane with unsolicited

advice as soon as he reached thelegal drinking age.

“He should have driven by him-self in peace,” said the Bears’Lance Briggs. “My motto is: Ifthey don’t see, you can just flee.”

Fortunately for Kane, the mediawas quickly distracted by TigerWoods’ marital issues, as severalother athletes were quietly triedfor boring old manslaughter.

-- Dan Bradley

Bears hypnotize season ticket holdersjust prior to raising prices on seats

Not long after participating in the WinterOlympics on home soil, several youngBlackhawks players realized just how homesickthey'd been in Chicago.

“When the team is doing well you can forgetabout some things,” said Brent Seabrook. “Butbeing back in Canada made me remember howgreat it is to wake up under a tree with a bearsniffing your crotch. Nothing like an early morn-ing jog to wake a guy up, eh?”

Duncan Keith noted that, in spite of the closeproximity of the countries, citizens of Canada andthe U.S. have drastically different lifestyles.

“There's a lot of physical activity involved inday-to-day Canadian life. You've got climbingtrees to escape from moose, attempting to crossthe street without getting trampled by a mooseand turning down our radios so as not to anger themoose,” he said. “And I don't know how I'mgoing to fall asleep tonight without watchingsome curling.”

Team captain Jonathan Toews had a differentangle.

“Everyone in Canada is really nice,” said thecaptain. “And they all know how to pronounce myname, unlike most Americans.” -- Dan Bradley

The Bears and Bulls inked freeagent Julius Peppers to a huge six-year, $91.5 million deal earlier thismonth to play defensive end for thefootball team and power forwardfor the basketball team.

“This is a massive contract,” saidBears GM Jerry Angelo. “The onlyway we could afford Julius was tosplit the deal with another team.”

Luckily for Angelo, Peppers wasa college basketball standout atNorth Carolina and the Bulls are indesparate need of inside strength tosupport Derrick Rose. Peppers wasthrilled by the dual role.

“The money’s great either way,”said Peppers. “But to get NFL andNBA groupies? It gets no better.”

-- Brad Zibung

Bears, Bulls sign Peppersas DE/power forward

olks, as you all know,Screamin’ Johnny Blaze isa trendsetter.

If it’s new and popular, it’sprobably because I made it so. Iwas the one who started thewhole top hat craze in the late’90s.

If you don’t remember thatone, maybe that’s because itwas so trendy that you justweren’t cool enough to knowabout it.

So clearly I already knowwhat the next hot thing will be,and, as usual, I am navigatingits journey to Trendyville. Thenext big thing is going to bethis new Web site calledFacebook.

Facebook is a “social net-working” site where you findpeople and make them be youronline friends. Not many peo-ple know about it yet, but Ialready have a ton of friends.

You can find people on thisFacebook that you haven’t seen

in forever. I found a girl fromhigh school who was really hotand also this guy who stillowes me $30 I lent him in2001. As soon as they acceptme as friends, I’m going to takeher on a date and get mymoney back.

But Facebook is even betterfor finding people you’re notfriends with in real life.

If you became my Facebookfriend, it would be a win-winfor us both.

You would be able toimprove yourself, just as myreal friends do, by gainingaccess to more of my insightsand wisdom, and since you’d

only be an online friend, Iwouldn’t have to worry aboutyou laying a guilt trip on mefor something stupid like for-getting your birthday or gettingdrunk and ruining your wed-ding.

The only problem I’ve hadwith Facebook so far is they’retoo strict about names.

They won’t let me useScreamin’, which is ridiculousenough, but they’re also forcingme to be John Blaze.

As of this writing, I’ve triedmany times to change it toJohnny, but they won’t let me. Imean, it’s not like I’m trying tochange my name to somethingcrazy like MaximumAwesomeness, though thatwould be an awesome name.

So jump on the bandwagonearly by signing up for aFacebook account now.

Then you can do the thingyou’ve always wanted most inyour life: Become my friend.

STUFF THAT PROBABLY ISN’T REALTM

MARCH 2010 | 13

FAA oonnee-wwaayy ttiicckkeett ttoo TTrreennddyyvviillllee

By Screamin’Johnny Blaze,

HecklerSports TalkRadio Host

THIS I SCREAMMost accurate bracketologists

1 - Steve the Monkey .8992 - Linda from accounting .6703 - Coin .500495 - Joe Lunardi .344599 - Seth Davis .234

RPI1 - Kansas .9212 - Kentucky .9023 - Erin Andrews .9014 - UConn Ladies .888545 - DePaul -.0003

Bulls Leaders for FebruaryPoints per game - Derrick Rose

22.3Rebounds per game - Joakim Noah

10.1Assists per game - Derrick Rose

6.5Sweat - Brad Miller

3.4 gallonsPositive affirmations/game (highfives/low fives/fist bumps) - KirkHinrich 6.7

Cubs Spring Training recordsthrough the years

1987 - Andre Dawson hits 1.125(going 45 for 40 at the plate with 23home runs).1991 - Mark Grace distributes 2,345balls with his hotel room number togroupies.1998 - Kerry Wood throws 245spring training innings.2002 - Sammy Sosa takes 2,890mg HGH (enough for the WWF foran entire year).2007 - Derrek Lee sleeps throughnine games at first base unnoticedby anyone (commits only one error)

Chicago offseason“Biggest Losers” 2010

1 - Bobby Jenks, SOX 45 pounds2 - Geovany Soto, CUBS 40 pounds3 - Area restaurants $45,000/week4 - Carlos Zambrano, CUBS

25 pounds5 - That really fat guy at Bally's thatwears a way too small Hester jersey

13 pounds

HECKLER STAT PACK

MORE STUFF THAT COULDN’T BE REAL TM14 | MARCH 2010

Moments before Julius Caesar was murdered on March 15, 44 BC, heis reported to have uttered “Et tu Brute?” to a close friend whobetrayed and assassinated him. This is a misquote. He actually said“Et tu Woo-WWoo?” when he saw the Cubs super fan who somehowscored a front row seat to the famous killing. Since then, Woo-WWoohas not been allowed to attend any government proceedings. E-mmailyour Woo-WWoo pics to photos@theheckler.com or post them to theWoo-WWoo gallery at theheckler.com.

Hijnks of The Heckler MascotBy Paul Czarnowski

CHUG-CHUG: INACTION

Tearful Dick Vitale reveals he’s beenfaking enthusiasm for the past 10 years

Following a recent Duke-UNCmatchup, an eerie silence befell theESPN TV studios. Broadcastinglegend Dick Vitale expressed thathe’s been having issues musteringup his signature enthusiasm andannounced that he may not watchthe 2010 Final Four.

“It’s been real difficult for me tounderstand what’s going on,” said a

tearful Vitale in surprisingly lacklustermonotone. “There was a time when ayoung man like [Luke] Harangodywould have had my eyes shooting outmy head. Now, my eyes are filled withtears for losing track of who I am.”

Vitale’s animated and energeticattitude may have faded away, but hisdoctors are happier with the new“Dickie V.” Now that Vitale has

come to terms with his life, his hair isgrowing back, and his blood pressurehas reached healthy levels.

In an attempt to regain his pas-sion before March Madness, Vitalehas begun starting and ending everysentence with “baby,” screaming atsmall children and yelling loudenough to set off car alarms.

-- Marvin Venis Benjamin

was at the 12th Annual Worldwide Toastto Harry Caray with legends and sportpundits who breathe folklore into the

Cubs. And I thought that without these folkswho make the Cubs seem larger than life, theCubs would be as popular as the White Sox.

This is a Cubs town where the White Soxare paid some attention only because theyare crybabies, and we are only being polite.Southpaw treated the Worldwide Toastevent like a job fair where he loped about,trying to find work with the Cubs. But sincehe was interviewed by Ronnie Woo-Woo,he wasn’t hired.

Losing builds character, and charactersmolded by the Cubs showcased this fact atthe Toast. The Cubs have made Chicagogreat over the past 101 years. There is no

song lyric that suggests the White Sox aregonna win today. The power of suggestionmight not be stronger than the power ofwinning, but it’s evident that the Cubs campwins in product-placement wrestling.

I walked up to a table where Richard Dentand Bobby Hull were seated. Suddenly, I

became a “character” too, because I had thenerve to ask Dent for a Sharpie so that Hullcould sign my Blackhawks cap with Hull’sname and No. 9 already on it.

I wasn’t thinking when I asked Dent for aSharpie, but in my defense, no one elsewhom in the room had one, not even Woo-Woo. So I had to explain to Dent that I hadwon the ‘Hawks cap that morning for shoot-ing three consecutive goals in a shoot-the-puck game right outside the restaurant, inthe family pavilion.

Richard Dent wasn’t too interested, orelse he was hurt deep inside that instead ofbeing asked for an autograph, he was beingasked for a pen, which he said he didn’thave. Bobby Hull had a Sharpie inside hisjacket, and gladly signed the bill of my cap.

So now, Bobby Hull’s Sharpie in hand, Ikindly asked Richard Dent to autograph thecap, too. He stared at me as if I truly werethe brazen “character” I had just portrayedbefore his table. Then he slowly shook hishead no, and I said that I understood whyhe didn’t want to sign the cap, and I apolo-gized. And I turned and walked away.

“Hey, kid,” a voice behind me said. Iturned back around, and Richard Dent tossedme his Bears jersey. Actually, he had kindlysigned my cap when I asked him. Writingthis column, I just got caught up in all thedrama going on at Harry Caray’s new NavyPier location that night, and I wanted to com-plete the scene in character.

I can e-mail you a picture of me wearingthe autographed cap, but I will never sell it.

THE REAL DEALTM

MARCH 2010 | 15

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THE LIFE AND TIMES OF

LOCO ROB

Sharp character has the Cubs to thank

I