Mark TwainMark Twain

Satire, Sci-Fi, and Satire, Sci-Fi, and the Sacredthe Sacred

““He is Sid in He is Sid in Tom Sawyer. Tom Sawyer. But Sid was But Sid was not Henry. not Henry. Henry was a Henry was a

much finer boy much finer boy than Sid ever than Sid ever

was.”was.”

““I’ve had I’ve had compliments compliments

before but before but none that none that

touched me touched me like this, none like this, none

that could that could approach it for approach it for

value in my value in my eyes.”eyes.”

““If only she could have lived one more day.”If only she could have lived one more day.”

““His great soul melted into that speechless majesty he had so His great soul melted into that speechless majesty he had so fervently yearned for.”fervently yearned for.”

““The best heart that ever beat was carried silent out of this The best heart that ever beat was carried silent out of this house.”house.”

““There are two times in a man's life when he There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and

when he can.”when he can.”

““The Facts Concerning the The Facts Concerning the Recent Carnival of Crime in Recent Carnival of Crime in

Connecticut”Connecticut”

““Straightway the door Straightway the door opened, and a shriveled, opened, and a shriveled,

shabby dwarf entered. He shabby dwarf entered. He was not more than two feet was not more than two feet

high. He seemed to be about high. He seemed to be about forty years old…There was a forty years old…There was a fox-like cunning in the face fox-like cunning in the face

and the sharp little eyes, and and the sharp little eyes, and also alertness and malice. also alertness and malice.

And yet, this vile bit of human And yet, this vile bit of human rubbish seemed to bear a sort rubbish seemed to bear a sort

of remote and ill-defined of remote and ill-defined resemblance to me!”resemblance to me!”

””Presently he began to speak again. Every Presently he began to speak again. Every sentence was an accusation, and every sentence was an accusation, and every accusation a truth. Every clause was accusation a truth. Every clause was freighted with sarcasm and derision, every freighted with sarcasm and derision, every slow-dropping word burned like vitriol. The slow-dropping word burned like vitriol. The dwarf reminded me of times when I had dwarf reminded me of times when I had flown at my children in anger and punished flown at my children in anger and punished them for faults they had not committed. He them for faults they had not committed. He reminded me of how I had disloyally reminded me of how I had disloyally allowed old friends to be traduced in my allowed old friends to be traduced in my hearing, and been too craven to utter a hearing, and been too craven to utter a word in their defense…With exquisite word in their defense…With exquisite cruelty he recalled to my mind, item by cruelty he recalled to my mind, item by item, wrongs and unkindnesses I had item, wrongs and unkindnesses I had inflicted and humiliations I had put upon inflicted and humiliations I had put upon friends since dead…”friends since dead…”

““Nothing in all the world could persuade Nothing in all the world could persuade me to have a conscience again. I settled me to have a conscience again. I settled all my old outstanding scores, and began all my old outstanding scores, and began the world anew. I killed thirty-eight the world anew. I killed thirty-eight persons during the first two weeks—all of persons during the first two weeks—all of them on account of ancient grudges. I them on account of ancient grudges. I burned a dwelling that interrupted my burned a dwelling that interrupted my view. I swindled a widow and some view. I swindled a widow and some orphans out of their last cow, which is a orphans out of their last cow, which is a very good one, though not thoroughbred, I very good one, though not thoroughbred, I believe. I have also committed scores of believe. I have also committed scores of crimes, of various kinds, and have enjoyed crimes, of various kinds, and have enjoyed my work exceedingly, whereas it would my work exceedingly, whereas it would formerly have broken my heart and formerly have broken my heart and turned my hair gray, I have no doubt.” turned my hair gray, I have no doubt.”

““MONDAY.--This new creature with the long hair is a good MONDAY.--This new creature with the long hair is a good deal in the way. It is always hanging around and following me deal in the way. It is always hanging around and following me

about. I don't like this; I am not used to company. I wish it about. I don't like this; I am not used to company. I wish it would stay with the other animals.... Cloudy today, wind in would stay with the other animals.... Cloudy today, wind in

the east; think we shall have rain.... WE? Where did I get that the east; think we shall have rain.... WE? Where did I get that word-- the new creature uses it.”word-- the new creature uses it.”

““I went over the Falls I went over the Falls in a barrel--not in a barrel--not

satisfactory to her. satisfactory to her. Went over in a tub--Went over in a tub--still not satisfactory. still not satisfactory. Swam the Whirlpool Swam the Whirlpool and the Rapids in a and the Rapids in a fig-leaf suit. It got fig-leaf suit. It got much damaged. much damaged. Hence, tedious Hence, tedious

complaints about my complaints about my extravagance. I am too extravagance. I am too much hampered here. much hampered here.

What I need is a What I need is a change of scene.”change of scene.”

““TUESDAY.--She has taken up with a snake now. TUESDAY.--She has taken up with a snake now. The other animals are glad, for she was always The other animals are glad, for she was always

experimenting with them and bothering them; and experimenting with them and bothering them; and I am glad because the snake talks, and this enables I am glad because the snake talks, and this enables

me to get a rest.”me to get a rest.”

EVE’S DIARY ““Followed the other Experiment around, yesterday afternoon, at a distance, to see what it might be for, if I could. But I was not able to make out. I think it is a man. I had never seen a man, but it looked like one, and I feel sure that that is what it is. I realize that I feel more curiosity about it than about any of the other reptiles. If it is a reptile, and I suppose it is; for it has frowzy hair and blue eyes, and looks like a reptile. It has no hips; it tapers like a carrot; when it stands, it spreads itself apart like a derrick; so I think it is a reptile, though it may be architecture.”

– ““He talks very little. Perhaps it He talks very little. Perhaps it is is because he is not bright, and is sensitive about it and wishes to conceal it. It is such a pity it. It is such a pity that he should feel so, for that he should feel so, for brightness is nothing; it is in brightness is nothing; it is in the heart that the values lie. I the heart that the values lie. I wish I could make him understand wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is that a loving good heart is riches, and riches enough, and riches, and riches enough, and that without it intellect is that without it intellect is poverty.”poverty.”

““AdamAdam, , man's benefactor--he gave him man's benefactor--he gave him all he has ever received that was worth all he has ever received that was worth

having--Death.”having--Death.”

““Well, when I had been dead about thirty years I begun to get Well, when I had been dead about thirty years I begun to get aa

little anxious. Mind you, had been whizzing through space all little anxious. Mind you, had been whizzing through space all thatthat

time, like a comet.”time, like a comet.”

““Well, one night - it was Well, one night - it was always night, except when always night, except when

I was rushing byI was rushing bysome star that was some star that was

occupying the whole occupying the whole universe with its fire anduniverse with its fire andits glare - light enough its glare - light enough then, of course, but I then, of course, but I

necessarily left itnecessarily left itbehind in a minute or two behind in a minute or two and plunged into a solid and plunged into a solid

week of darknessweek of darknessagain. The stars ain't so again. The stars ain't so close together as they close together as they

look to be.”look to be.”

““Singing hymns and waving palm branches through all Singing hymns and waving palm branches through all eternity is pretty wheneternity is pretty when

you hear about it in the pulpit, but it's as poor a way to you hear about it in the pulpit, but it's as poor a way to put input in

valuable time as a body could contrive.”valuable time as a body could contrive.”

"Oh, the prophets hold over the patriarchs. The newest prophet,

even, is of a sight more consequence than the oldest patriarch.

Yes, sir, Adam himself has to walk behind Shakespeare."

“But Shakespeare and the rest have to walk behind a common tailor

from Tennessee, by the name of Billings.”

“That tailor Billings, from Tennessee, wrote poetrythat Homer and Shakespeare couldn't begin to come up to; but nobody would print it, nobody read it but his neighbors, an ignorant lot, and they laughed at it.”

““Oh, a LOT of people WE Oh, a LOT of people WE never heard of before - the never heard of before - the shoemaker and horse-doctor shoemaker and horse-doctor and knife-grinder kind, you and knife-grinder kind, you know - clodhoppers from know - clodhoppers from goodness knows where that goodness knows where that never handled a sword or never handled a sword or fired a shot in their lives - but fired a shot in their lives - but the soldiership was in them, the soldiership was in them, though they never had a though they never had a chance to show it. But here chance to show it. But here they take their right place, they take their right place, and Caesar and Napoleon and and Caesar and Napoleon and Alexander have to take a back Alexander have to take a back seat. The greatest military seat. The greatest military genius our world ever genius our world ever produced was a brick-layer produced was a brick-layer from somewhere back of from somewhere back of Boston.”Boston.”

““Why, dear me, any kind of royalty, howsoever modified, Why, dear me, any kind of royalty, howsoever modified, any kind of aristocracy, howsoever pruned, is rightly an any kind of aristocracy, howsoever pruned, is rightly an insult; but if you are born and brought up under that sort insult; but if you are born and brought up under that sort of arrangement you probably never find it out for of arrangement you probably never find it out for yourself, and don’t believe it when somebody tells you.”yourself, and don’t believe it when somebody tells you.”

““The blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder's moral The blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder's moral perceptions are known and conceded, the world over; and a perceptions are known and conceded, the world over; and a privileged class, an aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholders privileged class, an aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholders

under another name.”under another name.”

“The earl put us up and sold us at auction. This same infernal law had existed in our own South in my own time, more than thirteen hundred years later, and under it hundreds of freemen who could not prove that they were freemen had been sold into lifelong slavery without the circumstance making any particular impression upon me; but the minute law and the auction block came into my personal experience, a thing which had been merely improper before became suddenly hellish. Well, that's the way we are made.”

““I was afraid of a united Church; it makes a mighty power, I was afraid of a united Church; it makes a mighty power, the mightiest conceivable, and then when it by and by gets the mightiest conceivable, and then when it by and by gets

into selfish hands, as it is always bound to do, it means death into selfish hands, as it is always bound to do, it means death to human liberty and paralysis to human thought.”to human liberty and paralysis to human thought.”

““Inherited ideas are a curious thing, and interesting to Inherited ideas are a curious thing, and interesting to observe and examine. I had mine, the king and his people had observe and examine. I had mine, the king and his people had

theirs. In both cases they flowed in ruts worn deep by time theirs. In both cases they flowed in ruts worn deep by time and habit, and the man who should have proposed to divert and habit, and the man who should have proposed to divert

them by reason and argument would have had a long them by reason and argument would have had a long contract on his hands.”contract on his hands.”

““In that explosion In that explosion all our noble all our noble civilization-civilization-

factories went up factories went up in the air and in the air and

disappeared from disappeared from the earth. It was a the earth. It was a

pity, but it was pity, but it was necessary. We necessary. We

could not afford to could not afford to let the enemy turn let the enemy turn our own weapons our own weapons

against us.”against us.”

““Three of Three of us boys us boys

were were always always

together, together, and had and had been so been so from the from the cradle.”cradle.”

““The Stranger The Stranger had seen had seen

everything, he everything, he had been had been

everywhere, he everywhere, he knew knew

everything, everything, and he forgot and he forgot

nothing.”nothing.”

““We saw her chained to the stake, and saw the first thin film of blue smoke We saw her chained to the stake, and saw the first thin film of blue smoke rise on the still air. Then her hard face softened, and she looked upon the rise on the still air. Then her hard face softened, and she looked upon the

packed crowd in front of her and said, with gentleness:packed crowd in front of her and said, with gentleness:"We played together once, in long-gone days when we were innocent little "We played together once, in long-gone days when we were innocent little

creatures. For the sake of that, I forgive you."creatures. For the sake of that, I forgive you."

““We went away then, and did not see the We went away then, and did not see the fires consume her, but we heard the fires consume her, but we heard the

shrieks, although we put our fingers in our shrieks, although we put our fingers in our ears. When they ceased we knew she was ears. When they ceased we knew she was

in heaven.”in heaven.”

"I have changed Nikolaus's life, and this has changed Lisa's. If I had "I have changed Nikolaus's life, and this has changed Lisa's. If I had not done this, Nikolaus would save Lisa, then he would catch cold not done this, Nikolaus would save Lisa, then he would catch cold

from his drenching: one of your race's fantastic and desolating from his drenching: one of your race's fantastic and desolating scarlet fevers would follow, with pathetic after-effects; for forty-six scarlet fevers would follow, with pathetic after-effects; for forty-six years he would lie in his bed a paralytic log, deaf, dumb, blind, and years he would lie in his bed a paralytic log, deaf, dumb, blind, and praying night and day for the blessed relief of death. Shall I change praying night and day for the blessed relief of death. Shall I change

his life back?"his life back?"

““Next the statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame Next the statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad

of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after

this process of grotesque self-deception."this process of grotesque self-deception."

LETTERS FROM EARTHLETTERS FROM EARTH

“The Creator sat upon the throne, thinking. Behind him stretched the illimitable continent of heaven, steeped in a glory of light and color.”

““However, the However, the thing that really thing that really and finally and and finally and definitely definitely determined Noah determined Noah to stop with to stop with enough species enough species for purely for purely business purposes business purposes and let the rest and let the rest become extinct, become extinct, was an incident of was an incident of the last days: an the last days: an excited stranger excited stranger arrived with some arrived with some most alarming most alarming news.”news.”

““He said he had been camping among some mountains He said he had been camping among some mountains and valleys about six hundred miles away, and he had seen and valleys about six hundred miles away, and he had seen

a wonderful thing there: he stood upon a precipice a wonderful thing there: he stood upon a precipice overlooking a wide valley, and up the valley he was a overlooking a wide valley, and up the valley he was a

billowy black sea ofbillowy black sea ofstrange animal life coming.”strange animal life coming.”

““It was weary and It was weary and worn, and had worn, and had

suffered somewhat suffered somewhat from the weather, from the weather, but was otherwise but was otherwise

in good estate. in good estate. Men and their Men and their

families had died of families had died of hunger on barren hunger on barren

mountain tops, but mountain tops, but it had not lacked it had not lacked

for food, the for food, the multitudinous multitudinous

corpses furnishing corpses furnishing it in rank and it in rank and

rotten richness. rotten richness. Thus was the Thus was the sacred bird sacred bird

providentially providentially preserved.” preserved.”

““From the dawn of Creation the Lord had foreseen that Noah, being alarmed From the dawn of Creation the Lord had foreseen that Noah, being alarmed and confused by the invasion of the prodigious brevet fossils, would and confused by the invasion of the prodigious brevet fossils, would

prematurely fly to sea unprovided with a certain invaluable disease. He would prematurely fly to sea unprovided with a certain invaluable disease. He would have all the other diseases, and could distribute them among the new races of have all the other diseases, and could distribute them among the new races of men as they appeared in the world, but he would lack one of the very best -- men as they appeared in the world, but he would lack one of the very best --

typhoid fever; a malady which, when the circumstances are especially typhoid fever; a malady which, when the circumstances are especially favorable, is able to utterly wreck a patient without killing him; for it can favorable, is able to utterly wreck a patient without killing him; for it can restore him to his feet with a long life in him, and yet deaf, dumb, blind, restore him to his feet with a long life in him, and yet deaf, dumb, blind,

crippled, and idiotic.”crippled, and idiotic.”

““From that one housefly, in the ages that have since elapsed, From that one housefly, in the ages that have since elapsed, billionsbillions

of sickbeds have been stocked, billions of wrecked bodies of sickbeds have been stocked, billions of wrecked bodies sent tottering about the earth, and billions of cemeteries sent tottering about the earth, and billions of cemeteries

recruited with the dead.”recruited with the dead.”

““Disease! That is the main force, the diligent force, Disease! That is the main force, the diligent force, the devastating force!”the devastating force!”

“It chases the child into youth and furnishes it some specialties for that time of life. It chases the youth into maturity, maturity into age, age into the grave.”

““When exasperated men rise up and sweep away an age-long When exasperated men rise up and sweep away an age-long tyranny and set a nation free, the first thing the delighted tyranny and set a nation free, the first thing the delighted pulpit does is to advertise it as God's work, and invite the pulpit does is to advertise it as God's work, and invite the

people to get down on their knees and pour out their thanks people to get down on their knees and pour out their thanks to him for it.”to him for it.”

““They forget to mention that he is the slowest mover in the They forget to mention that he is the slowest mover in the universe; that his Eye that never sleeps, might as well, since universe; that his Eye that never sleeps, might as well, since it takes it a century to see what any other eye would see in a it takes it a century to see what any other eye would see in a

week; that in all history there is not an instance where he week; that in all history there is not an instance where he thought of a noble deed first, but always thought of it just a thought of a noble deed first, but always thought of it just a

little after somebody else had thought of it little after somebody else had thought of it and done it. He arrives then, and annexes the dividend.”and done it. He arrives then, and annexes the dividend.”

"How God must love you!""How God must love you!"

"I hope so," he said, softly, and he did not even smile; but after she had gone he could not help saying, in a quaint, half-pathetic voice, "I guess she hasn't heard of our strained relations."