AlsobyBrandonWebbandJohnDavidMann

TOTALFOCUSTHEREDCIRCLE

THEMAKINGOFANAVYSEALAMONGHEROES

THEKILLINGSCHOOL

AlsobyBrandonWebb

THEPOWEROFTHOUGHT

Portfolio/PenguinAnimprintofPenguinRandomHouseLLC

375HudsonStreetNewYork,NewYork10014

Copyright©2018byBrandonWebbandJohnDavidMannPenguinsupportscopyright.Copyrightfuelscreativity,encouragesdiversevoices,promotesfreespeech,andcreatesavibrantculture.Thankyouforbuyinganauthorizededitionofthisbookandforcomplyingwithcopyrightlawsbynotreproducing,scanning,ordistributinganypartofitinanyformwithoutpermission.YouaresupportingwritersandallowingPenguintocontinuetopublishbooksforeveryreader.

ISBN9780525533566(hardcover)ISBN9780525533573(ebook)

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CONTENTS

ALSOBYBRANDONWEBBANDJOHNDAVIDMANN

TITLEPAGE

COPYRIGHT

DEDICATION

INTRODUCTIONINTHEPOOL

ROADMAPTHEBATTLEISINYOURMIND

ONEDECISION

TWOREHEARSAL

THREELETTINGGO

FOURJUMPINGOFF

FIVEKNOWINGWHATMATTERS

CONCLUSIONSOLOFLIGHT

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

INDEX

ABOUTTHEAUTHORS

Toallthosewhohavethecouragetolookfearintheeyeandtakethenextstep

M

INTRODUCTION

INTHEPOOL

Thebravemanisnottheonewhohasnofear,heistheonewhotriumphsoverhisfear.

—NELSONMANDELA

YFRIENDKAMALisaworldtraveler;hehasmeditatedwithTibetanmonksintheDalaiLama’smonastery,trekkedtheHimalayas,andhikedthe

CaminodeSantiagoinSpain.HeservedintheU.S.ArmyandstudiedtobeanERdoctor.Hehaslaunchedtechcompanies,runshisownventurecapitalfirm,andisabestsellingauthor.Inperson,hemakesquitethestrikingimpression:flowingmaneofsilverhair,quietvoicebehindsteelygaze,thesuper-calmdemeanorofaBuddhistmaster.Hereisaguywithalltheingredientsforsuccessonamegascale.ButIrecentlylearnedasecretaboutKamal.

Hecouldn’tswim.AtfirstIhadahardtimebelievingit.Ithoughthehadtobeexaggerating.To

me,swimmingcomesasnaturallyasbreathing.Igrewuponandinthewater.Myfamilylivedforyearsonasailboat.Ispentmorethanadecadeinthenavy,trainedanddeployedasaU.S.NavySEAL.Theideaofnotknowinghowtoswimwasbeyondmycomprehension.Butherewasmyfriend,thisamazing,talentedguywhohadaccomplishedsomuchinhislife...andhecouldn’tswim.

Igavehimkindofahardtimeaboutit.Ipointedoutthatthehumanbodyismorethan60percentwater;didherealizehewasalreadyfloatingaroundinsidehisownskin?Iwonderedaloudif,whenhisparentsconceivedhim,theeggcellhadtoswimdowntomeetthespermcells,insteadoftheotherwayaround.

“Dude,”Isaid.“Howcanyoupossiblynotknowhowtoswim?”Theanswerwassimple.Fear.Kamalhadbeenterrifiedofwaterhiswholelife,hetoldme.Afewtimes,

Kamalhadbeenterrifiedofwaterhiswholelife,hetoldme.Afewtimes,whenhewaslivingintheDominicanRepublic,hewentkitesurfing.Healwaysworealifejacket,butthatdidn’tmakeanydifference.Hewasstillterrified.Whatwouldhappenifhefellandhitthewater?HetoldmestoriesaboutbeingoutathisbuddyTimFerriss’shouseintheHamptons.Timhasabig,beautifulpoolinhisbackyardwherepeoplehangoutandgoswimmingandhaveafantastictime,andKamalfeltawfulthathecouldneverjoinin.

Kamal,Irealized,hatedthefactthathecouldn’tswim.Anditwasn’tasifhe’dnevertriedtolearn.He’dtakencourses,studiedinonlineworkshops.ForawhilehelivedinabuildinginSanFranciscowiththeonlyheatedoutdoorOlympicpoolinthecity,andhebroughtinaprivateinstructor.Thathadn’tworked,either.Nomatterwhatthevariousteacherstried,hecouldn’thandlethefeelingofhisfeetnottouchingthebottom,andhewouldquicklyreachthepointofpanic.NowhewasthinkingaboutdoingoneofthoseimmersioncoursesinFlorida.Orsohesaid.ButInoticedhekeptputtingitoff.

Istoppedgivinghimahardtimeaboutit.Instead,Idecidedtodosomethingaboutit.IhadaweekcomingupathomeinNewYork.“Look,”Isaid.“Yougiveme

acommitmentforaweek,andI’llteachyoumyself.Butyouhavetocommittomeetme,everydayatthesametime,rainorshine.Givemeaweek,andI’llhaveyouswimming.”

“Okay,”hesaid.Ontheappointedmorning,IwentintotheNewYorkAthleticClub,rightoff

CentralParkSouth,headedupstairstothepool,foundafreelane,andslippedintothewater.IgottherealittleearlysoIcouldtakesomelapswhileIwaitedforKamal.AsIshotsilentlyupthelane,mythoughtsslipstreamedbacktwodecades.

—IT’SNIGHTTIMEOVERthePersianGulf,summerof1995.Thefourofus—pilot,copilot,anothercrewman,andme—havebeenoutinourH-60Seahawkhelicopterdoingsonarops.It’sbeenalongnight,andweneedtorefuelonanearbydestroyerbeforeheadingbacktotheaircraftcarrierwe’recallinghome.

Thepilotslowsusdowntoacrawlasweapproachthevesselbelow.Landingonadestroyer’sdeckisalwaysdicey,moresoonthismoonlessnight.Someoneneedstospotthedeckaswehoverinplacehighabovetheshipandtalkthepilotdown.Tonightthespotter,theguystrappedintothegunner’sseatdowninthebellyofthebird,isme.

Icrackopenthedoorandlookdown,scanningfortelltalelights.Therearen’tany.That’sweird.Iglanceupward—andnowIseelights.What?Forthespanofasinglebreath,Iexperiencetotaldisorientation.Whyaretherelightsuphereateyelevelwhenthedestroyeriswaydownbelowus?ThenthedisorientationevaporatesasIlookdownagainandseewater,rightthereatmyfeet.PersianGulfwater—churning,grinning,reachingupforme,curlingaroundmyankles.

Oh,shit.We’renothoveringhighabovetheshipafterall.Ourgoddamnpilothasput

usrightdowninthedrink.Seawaterispouringintothecabin,caressingmylegs,climbingtheinteriorwalls,searchingfortheengine.Hey,baby.I’mhere.CometoPapa.Thisisnotgood.Iftheenginechokesanddies,weflipupsidedown,sinkstraighttothebottomoftheGulf,anddon’tcomeupagain.Ever.

“Altitude!”Ishoutintomycomms.“Altitude!”Andhere’swhereitreallystartstogetfun.Becauseourpilot,theguyin

chargeofthisoperation,theguywho’ssupposedtobeourleader,isnowseizedbyfull-onpanic—andhefreezes.“What’shappening?”hescreamsashetakesexactlyzerocorrectiveaction.“OhGodohGodohGod...!”Thisisnotwhatyouwanttohearfromyourhelicoptercommanderinamomentlikethis.Fearhasparalyzedhim,takenhim,swallowedhimwhole.

Andbecauseofthat,allfourofusaregoingtodie,righthere,rightnow.

—IFINISHEDMYlapsandpulledmyselfbackupontothepool’sedgetowaitformyfriend.

IknewwhatitwasthathadKamalinitsgrip.AndIknewwhyallthoseotherteacherswho’dtriedtohelphimhadfailed.Theythoughttheyweresupposedtoteachhimhowtoswim.Theywerewrong.Thiswasn’taboutlearninghowtoswim.

Itwasaboutlearninghowtoharnessfear.DuringSEALtrainingthere’sapoolcompetencyphasewheretheinstructors

doeverythingtheycantofreakyouout.Theysendyoudownwithanoxygentankandthentieyourairhoseinknotssoitdoesn’twork,anythingtothrowyouintoapanic,andthenseeifyoucanfindyourwayout.Yousitthere,waitingforyourturnwithyourbacktothepool,andlistentotheclassmateaheadofyouinthewater,thrashinganddrowning.Itnevergottome,butitsureterrifiedthelivingcrapoutofquiteafewclassmates.AndIcouldunderstandwhy.Imight

notbeafraidofthewaternormally,butIjustaboutshitmypantsthatnightovertheGulf.

Wedidn’tdie,though,foronereason:ourcopilot,Kennedy,knewhowtoharnessfear.Heignoredouruselessgibberingpilotandcommandeeredthecontrolshimself,pullingusupoutofthewaterandplantingussafelyonthedestroyer’sdeck.TothisdayIdon’tknowhowhedidit.Itshouldhavebeenimpossible.(Themaintenancechiefthoughtweweremakingthewholethingupuntilhiscrewundidthetailsectionandtengallonsofseawaterpouredout.)Butfearlikethatwillletyoudoimpossiblethings—ifyouknowhowtochannelit.

Kennedyknewhowtochannelit,andit’sagoodthinghedid.Ifhehadn’t,youwouldn’tbereadingthesepages,becauseIwouldn’tbehere.

AsIsaid,Igrewuponthewater.Loveit,spentmychildhoodinit,andagoodchunkofmyadulthood,too.Butthere’sareasonpeopleusewaterwhentheywanttodriveyoutotheedgeofsanityandbreakyourspirit.IfIsay,“I’mgoingtodrapeaclothoveryourmouthandsoakitwithwater,”thatdoesn’tsoundtoobad,doesit?Oh,butitis.Itcanpushstrong-willedmenrightovertheedge.InmymilitarytrainingIgotfamiliarwiththeprocessofwaterboarding:inessence,youareslowly,methodicallybeingdrownedtodeath,engulfedbywater.Thereissomethingprimalabouttheterrorthistouches.

WhenIwasakid,Isawagirldrownbecauseofsomeone’scarelessness.Iwastherewhentheybroughtherbodyupandlaidheroutonthedeck,statue-still,nevertotakeanotherbreath.ItwasthefirsttimeI’dseendeath,upclose,ugly,andpersonal.I’llneverforgetit.

I’veseendeathtakeothers,too,manytimessincethen,includingsomeclosefriends.Includingmybestfriend.AndI’veseenotherdeathsaswell—myfirstbusinessgoingupinsmokeandtakingmylifesavingswithit,thedissolutionofmymarriage,projectsthatdidn’tworkout,friendshipslost,thedeathofegoanddreams.

Yes,Iunderstoodwhymyfriendwasafraid.Afewminuteslater,Kamalshowedup.Rightontime.Wesatatthepool’s

edge,ourlegsinthewater.Ipushedoffandslippeddownunder.Hefollowed,loweringhimselfinslowandtense,handsgrippingthelipofthewall.He’dneverbeeninaten-footdepthbefore.“I’min,”hemurmured,buthisbodylanguagewasscreaming,andthere’snowayinhellI’mlettinggoofthiswall!

Wegottowork.ThatfirstdayIkeptthingslight.Niceandeasy,almosttooeasy.Theseconddaywerepeatedeverythingwedidthefirstdayandwentalittle

further.

further.Thethirddayhedidtenlapsonhisback.“You’reswimming,man,”Itoldhim.Hewasstartledtorealizethatitwas

true.Ondayfour,insteadofsittingdownpoolsideandcarefullyslippingintothe

water,hewentrunningtotheedge,launchedhimselfintheair,andlandedinthepoolinahumongouscannonball.Hugesplash,watereverywhere—andthenKamal’sfacebobbingupinthemiddleofit,grinninglikeakid.

Hehadneverdoneacannonballbeforeinhislife.Andthat’showeverylessonstartedfortherestoftheweek:Kamalrunning

totheedge,jumpingoff,anddoingagiantcannonballintothepool,thensurfacingwiththatCheshireCatgrin.Abig,grown-up,silver-hairedkid.I’dneverseenanyonesohappyinmylife.

Onthatthirdday,thedayhedidtenlapsonhisbackandItoldhim,“You’reswimming,man,”andherealizedthatitwastrue,wehadaninterestingconversationattheendofthelesson.

“Youknow,otherpeoplehavetriedtoteachme,”hesaid,“butitnevertook.Theywouldgetmeinthewater,demonstrateastroke,andthengetimpatientwhenIcouldn’tdoit.Theywouldgetfrustratedandsay,‘It’ssoeasy,man,justtryit.’ButIcouldn’t‘justtryit.’Iwastooterrified.”Helookedoutacrossthepool.

“Untilnow,”Isaid.Stilllookingatthewater,henodded.“Yeah.Untilnow.”Thenhelooked

backatmeandsaid,“Youneedtowriteabookaboutthis.”Sohereitis.Inthefollowingpages,I’mgoingtoshowyouexactlywhatIdidwith

Kamal,whyitworked,andhowyoucandoit,too.I’mgoingtoshowyouhowyoucandowhatourcopilotKennedydidthat

nightovertheGulf,andpullyourselfthrougheventhemostterrifyingcircumstances.

I’mgoingtohelpyoumasteryourfear.Inotherwords:tomasteryourlife.

T

ROADMAP

THEBATTLEISINYOURMIND

Fearisoneofthebestfriendsachampionhas.—JOSÉTORRES,

worldlightheavyweightchampion

HETHREEOFusarepickingthroughthedeserthardscrabble,collectingthepacksanotherplatoonstashedhereearlier,whenwehearasound.Weturn

andlookuptheravinetowardthedirtroadwhereweparkedourtruckafewminutesago.AcrowdofmaybefiftyAfghanguysisstandingupthere,sevenoreightyardsaway,lookingdownatus.AcrowdofAfghanguyswithguns.AcrowdofAfghanguyswithguns,whodon’tlookhappy.

It’searly2002,justafewmonthsafter9/11,andweareinnortheasternAfghanistanonasearch-and-seizureoperation,lookingforbadguys.Wewonderifmaybewejustfoundsome.

Wewonderifmaybesomejustfoundus.Nowthey’removingcloser.Nowthey’vesurroundedus.Afewhavehungbackbyourtruck,andthere’s

nothinginthesweetwideworldstoppingthemfromclimbinginanddrivingitaway,leavingusstrandedwiththeirarmedandverypissed-offfriends.

Ifeelsomethingshiftinginside.Certainbloodvesselsconstrict,othersdilate.Mypalmssuddenlyfeelcool,yetmoistwithsweat.Tinyhairsonthebacksofmyarmsandneckstandatattention.Mymouthisdry,myhearingsuddenlymoreacute.Icanpracticallyfeelthereleaseandsurgeofepinephrineasmyadrenalsfireofftheirliquidtorpedoes.Fireone!One’saway,sir!Firetwo!Myfacedoesn’tshowit,butinmymind,Ismile.Iknowwhatthisis.

Thisisfear.AndI’mabouttouseit.There’snotimetoassessorstrategize.Thisisgoingdown,rightnow.The

handfulbythetruckhavethehighground—alwaysatacticaladvantageinanyarmedconflict—andtheresthaveusimmobilizedhereintheravine.Thereare

armedconflict—andtheresthaveusimmobilizedhereintheravine.Therearethreeofus,fourorfivedozenofthem.Theyoutnumberandoutgunusineverypossibleway.Physically,logisticallyspeaking,thereisnowayforustoprevailhere.We’llhavetodoitthroughsheerballsandbravado.

Weshoutatthem,yellaggressivewordsweknowtheydon’tunderstand.Theyscreambackwordswedon’tknow,either.

Theypushcloser.Nowthey’rephysicallyshovingus.Ournerveendsareblazingelectrochemicalfireworks,adrenalsand

pituitarieslightingupourbrainstemsandspinalnerveswiththebuzzofamillionyearsofstruggleandsurvival.Theairarounduscrackles.Weshoutlouder.

Theydon’tflinch.Wegetrightupintheirfaces,asifweweretheoneswiththeupperhand

here.Webrandishourweapons.Ifthiswereacowboymoviewewouldfireshotsintothegroundattheirfeet,too,onlythisisn’tamovieandwearen’tJohnWayneandwearenotfuckingaroundhereandtheyknowit.Ifweshoot,itwon’tbeintotheground.

Theystopcomingcloser.Theystartbackingoff.Wehightailourballsandbravadouptheravineandintothetruckandback

toourcamp,ourheartbeatsgraduallyslowingbacktonormalaswebumpalongthedirtroad.Wereweafraid?Youbetyourasswewere.

Thatwaswhatsavedus.

—YOU’VEDONETHIS.Iknowyouhave.Youwouldn’tbehere,readingthis,ifyouhadn’t.

No,youprobablyhavenotfaceddownagroupofheavilyarmedhostilefightersonforeignsoil.Butatsomepointinyourlifeyou’vefaceddownthreateningpeopleorsituations,inwaysbigorsmall.Everyonehas.It’spartofthehumancondition.

Therehavebeenmomentswhenyourfearcausedyoutomobilize,totapsomeinnerstrengthorabilityandgobeyondwhereyouthoughtyoucouldgo.Andnodoubt,therehavealsobeentimeswhenfearmadeyoubackdownandbackout.LikeIsaid:thehumancondition.

Beforeyoureadon,Iwantyoutothinkaboutthisforamoment,toreflectbackontheeventsofyourlifeandfindexamplesofboth.

Timeswhenfearspurredyouontotriumph.Timeswhenfeardraggedyoudownintodefeat.

Timeswhenfeardraggedyoudownintodefeat.Haveyougotthoseinmind?Good.Thenhere’sthecrucialpoint:allofthose

battles,thetriumphs,thedefeats,tookplaceinyourmind.YoumayhavenoticedsomethingabouttheAfghanistanscenarioIdescribed

above.Weneveractuallyusedourguns.Northrewanypunches.WewereNavySEALs,aswelltrainedintheartandscienceofshootingweaponsandusingphysicalforcetofightasanyoneontheplanet.Butnoneofthathelpedinthissituation;therewerenotoolsortechnologies,noshowofforceorfightingskillsinvolved.Wedidnothavethehigherground.Wedidnothavesuperiornumbers.Wewerenotonhometurf.Wehadzeroadvantage.

Theonlyweaponusedherewasamasteryoffear.Thisbookisnotaboutfacingdownhostilegangsofmenwithgunsinwar

zones.It’saboutthebattlegroundinyourmind.It’saboutyourrelationshipwithfear,andthedozensofsituations—thethousandsofsituations—thatyouwillface,andthefactthatinthosesituations,fearcansmotheryou,oritcanliberateyou.

Itdependsonwhatishappeningbetweenyourears.Masteringfearisnotaboutbecomingphysicallystronger,ortougher,or

moremacho,ormoreaggressive,ormorestoic,ormorepumpedup.Itisaboutlearninghowtoidentifyandchangetheconversationinyourhead.

KEEPTHESHARKSOUTOFYOURHEAD

Letmeaskyouaquestion:Whatareyouafraidof?Idon’tmean“concerned”or“alittlenervous.”Imeangenuinelyterrified.Areyouafraidofflyingorofheights?Ofthedark?Closeplaces?Drowning?

Whataboutpublicspeaking?That’sabigone;peopleoftenrateitasworsethantheirfearofdeath,whichissayingquiteamouthful.

Areyouafraidthattherightonewillnevercomealong,andyou’lldielonelyandalone?Ormaybeyou’reafraidofcommitment.Iseethatoneallthetime,andnotonlyinrelationshipsbutinbusinessandcareers,too:peoplewhoareafraidtogoallin,topushalltheirchipstothecenterofthetable.Becausewhatifyoulose?Whatifthebusinessdoesn’tworkout,ortherelationshipgoessour,butonceyou’rein,you’rein,andyoudon’tknowhowtogetout?

I’veknownpeoplewhoareintimidatedbyusingthetelephone,oraspreadsheet,orbytheprospectoffillingoutaone-pageform.Orswimming.A

lotofpeoplehavefearsthatothersmightfindridiculous.It’snotridiculous,though,whenit’syou.

Areyouafraidoffailure,andthehumiliationyou’reafraidwillcomewithit?Orofsuccess,andthecrushingburdenofresponsibilityyou’reafraidwillcomewiththat?Everyone’safraidofsomething.

Forme,itwassharks.

—“HEY,BRANDON,WAKEup,dude.Getyourshiton.Anchor’sstuck.”

It’sthemiddleofthenight.IamalreadyforgettingwhatdreamitisI’mbeingsorudelyshakenoutof,butIknowitwasalotmorepleasantthanwhateverrealityIamabouttoface.Iamthirteenyearsold,afreshlycertifiedscubadiver,workingmyfirstrealjobasanassistantonadiveboatoffthecoastofSouthernCalifornia.RightnowweareanchoredoffthebacksideofSanMiguelIsland,thenorthernmostoftheChannelIslands,wheretheweathergetssoroughitsometimeslimitsevencommercialfishingboattraffic.Ourfearlessleader,CaptainMike,figuresthatiftheweathergetsrowdy,theboatstartsrocking,andourpayingpassengersgettoouncomfortable,wecanalwayspullupandmovetocalmerwaters.

Apparently,theweather’sgottenrowdy.Timetomove.It’sCaptainMikewho’sshakingmeawakefromthatdeadREMsleep.I

openmyeyes,butmybrainisstillasleep.“Hey,”hesaysagain.“Weneedtomove.Theanchor’sstuck.”Sometimes,whenyougotopullupanchor,thedamnthinggetscaughtupon

somethingdownontheoceanfloor,abigledgeorchunkofreef.Youcanworkyourwayoutbypatientlymaneuveringtheboat,butthatcantakeanhour.It’smuchquickerandeasiertosendadiverdowntofindtheproblemanduntangleit.

Ittakesmeamoment,butIfinallymaketheconnection.He’ssayingthatsomeoneneedstogogetouranchorunstuck—andthatsomeoneisme.

It’snotonlytheweatherthat’sdifferentaroundSanMiguel.Theenvironmentisdifferent,too.Itremindsmeofthistelevisionshow,LandoftheLost,aboutafamilythatgoesbackintime.Youdivedownthirtyfeetandit’slikeyou’reinaprehistoricaquarium.I’veseenbigabalones,lobsters,monsterlingcodandrockcod,thekindsoffishyou’dhavetogodowntothreetimesthisdepthtofindaroundthesouthernislands.OnSanMiguel’sbackside,wherewenoware,there’samassivesealionhabitatcalledTylerBight.

AndonethingIknowaboutsealions:theyattractgreatwhitesharks.

AndonethingIknowaboutsealions:theyattractgreatwhitesharks.Ihavethisthingaboutsharks.It’snotjustthatthey’redangerous.It’sthat

theguysontheboathavebeentalkingaboutthem,tellingmeallsortsofstoriesaboutthem.Thisareaisaknownbreedinggroundforsharks.CaptainMike,thatcrazysonofabitch,hasevenraisedabunchofmoneytofinanceasharkhunt.Puttogetherafewhundredpoundsoffishbloodandgutsforbaitandsatoutthereontheedgeofthedeck,tryingtobaitagreatwhitesohecouldspearthegoddamnthing.LikeMoby-Dickisoutthereandhe’sCaptainAhab.Bythispointthewholethinghasstokedmyfearofsharkstoahotflame.

Andnowhewantsmetogoovertheside?Inthemiddleofthenight?Nofuckingway!There’snoforceonearthgonnamakemegodownthere!

That’swhatI’mthinking.WhatIsayis“Okay.”Icouldsayno,butIdon’twanttolosemyjob,andIalsoreallydon’twanttobe“thatkidwhochickenedout.”

Iscoophotwaterfromthehottubintomywetsuittowarmitup,thenslideintoitandheadtothefront.Mostpassengersgoinoffthebackoftheboat,butforthecrew,theguysjustswingopenthebowgateandwejumpofffromthere.

Theguysopenthehatch.Idive.Iplungedownprettyfast,clearingmyears,shiningmydivelight,doingmy

besttopeerthroughthechurned-upmuck.Ihaven’tdonemuchnightdivingyet,butIalreadyknowvisibilityisnotverygoodatnight.Withtheseaswellfromtheweatherchurningupthefloor,it’sevenworsethanusual.IfIencounteranythingbigdownhere,Iprobablywon’tseeituntilI’mrightontopofit.

Itrynottothinkaboutit.Attheedgesofmyperipheralvision,sealionszippast.That’sgood,Itell

myself.Iftherearesealionshere,thatprobablymeanstherearenosharksaround.Ormaybethatjustmeansmeandmysealionfriendsareallabouttobesomuchchuminthewater.

Itryhardnottothinkaboutit.I’vedonethismaneuveronceortwiceinthedaytime,justenoughsothatI

knowtheroutine.Youdivedown,tracetheanchorchain,locatetheproblem,takeyourregulatoroutofyourmouth,andblastabunchofbubblesforafewsecondstogivethecrewuptopasignal.Theygoslackontheanchorchainsoyoucanmaneuverit.Nowyouswimthechainaroundthereefandgettoworkgettingthedamnanchorunstuck.Onceyoudo,yougivethesignalbyblastingasecondroundofbubbles,andtheystartpulling.Youstaywiththechainuntiltheanchorcomesupoffthebottom,atwhichpointyougiveyourthirdandfinalblastofbubbles,andupyougo.So:Iswimdownandfindthechainstuckunder

blastofbubbles,andupyougo.So:Iswimdownandfindthechainstuckunderamassiveledge.Igiveablastofbubbles,waitfortheslack,andswimitaround.Itseemstotakeforever.

Imakeamassiveeffortnottothinkaboutsharks.Finally,theanchorcomesunstuck.Iswimbackuptotheboatasfastas

possibleandhaulmyselfoutofthewaterinarushofprideandrelief.Especiallyrelief.Igetoutofmywetsuit,dryoff,andcrashbackonmybunk,butI’mtoowiredtosleep.

AtfirstI’mreexperiencinghowgooditfelttoclamberbackupondeck,andhowluckyIwastogetoutoftherealive.Gradually,though,thosethoughtsrecedeandaquestionslipsin:Justhowlikelywasitthatasharkwouldhavecomebuttinginonmyoperation?

Honestly,howgreatwasthedanger?Atthetime,IwonderedhowthehellCaptainMikeandtheotherguyscould

besothoughtlessastotellthisthirteen-year-oldkidsharkstoriesthatwouldscarethecrapoutofhim,knowingdamnwellthatsoonerorlaterI’dhavetogodownthere.Lookingbacknow,Irealizetheyweren’tthoughtlessatall.Theyweretestingme.

Ortoputitmoreaccurately:theyweregivingmeanopportunitytotestmyself.

ItwasthefirsttimeinmylifethatIcameface-to-facewithgut-wrenching,skin-crawling,testicle-shrinkingfear.ItwasalsothefirsttimeIunderstoodthattheactualphysicalsituationinfrontofmewasnowherenearasbadasthestoryIwasspinningaboutitbetweenmyears.

—ITDIDN’THAPPENthatnight,butaboutayearlaterIdidcomeface-to-facewithmyfirstshark,abigblueofftheSouthernCaliforniacoast.Bluesharksarenotparticularlyknownforbitinghumans.Still,asharkisashark.Abluewilltypicallygrowtoanywherefromsixtoninefeetlong.Thisguy,inotherwords,wasahellofalotbiggerthanme.Andhehadteeththesizeofjackknives.Onebitefromhimcouldruinmywholeday.

Ilookedattheshark,thesharklookedatme—andIfeltit:thatstaticcharge.Yearslater,asasonarguyinthenavy,Istudiedhowsoundwavestravelandpropagateunderwater.Thiswaslikethat.Anelectriccurrentrunningfromhiseyestomineandbackagain.

IseethisnowallthetimeonthesubwaysinNewYork.AsIstepintothecar,Ilookleftandright,sizingeveryoneup.WhenIlockeyeswithapredator,somedudewho’suptonogood,orsomestreetguywho’sgotsomethingnot

somedudewho’suptonogood,orsomestreetguywho’sgotsomethingnotrightgoingonwithhim,heknowsIseehim—andthatIamnotlettinghimintomyhead.Thatguyisnotgoingtomesswithme.

Thisisnotabouttryingtoprojectanattitudeofphysicaltoughnessorbelligerence.It’spurelyaboutyourinteriormonologue.Whentheconversationinyourheadisoneofrespect—Irespectyou,andyousureashellneedtorespectme,becauseIamnotlookingfortroubleandyouarenotgettingintomyhead—thenpeoplepickuponthat.Ifyousendoutnervousness,anxiety,andthesignalthatyourfearistakingover,peoplepickuponthat,too.

Avampirecannotenteryourhomeunlessyouinvitehimin.Sothelegendgoes.Idon’tknowaboutvampires,butIknowaboutsharks.

I’vestudiedbouncersatNewYorkbarsandthesecurityguardswhowatchthefrontdooratMacy’s.Theseguysareexpertsatreadingpeopleandputtingastoptotroublebeforeitstarts—and98percentofitistheconversationthey’rehavingintheirheads.Iseeyou,itsays,andthereisgoingtobenotroublehere.Therearenotargetshere.Thesearenotthedroidsyou’relookingfor.Yes,itreallyissomekindofJedimindshit.

WhichiswhatIdidthatdayinthewateroffthecoastofCalifornia,staringeyetoeyewiththatbigblue.Youdonotwantthistogodown,mylooksaid.Neitherdoyou,saidhis.Hemovedon.SodidI.

Thisisnotpurelyaboutsharks,orsketchycharactersonthesubway.Asharkcanbeanythreat,oranyperceivedthreat,whichisnotalwaysthesamething.

Whenwasthelasttimeyoufeltanxious?Whatwasitabout?Adeadline?Anunpaidbillcomingdue?Animportantmeetingahead?Adifficultconversationthatyouknewyouhadtohavebutwereafraidtoface?Thinkbacktothatmomentofanxiety,thatedgy,clammy-palmedfeelingaboutwhatevereventorissuewasswimmingyourway.

Nexttimethathappens,here’swhatyoutellyourself:“Whateveritis,you’lldealwithitinitstimeandplace.Meanwhile,don’tletitswimaroundinsideyourhead!”

I’lltellyouasecretabouttheimageonthecoverofthisbook.Youknow,thewarriorfightingthewildlion.Chancesaregoodyousawthatlionandfigureditrepresentsfear.Itdoesn’t.Thewarrioronthehorse—that’syou.Andthatwildbeast?That’syourownnegativity.Yoursenseofdefeat.

Thesharksyouletinyourhead.That’swhatwewerebattlinginthatravineinAfghanistan.NottheAfghan

guyswiththeguns.Ourowninteriormonologue.Ifwe’dthought,Oh,weareso

screwed,whatdowedonow?itwouldnothaveendedwell.Butallthreeofusflippedtheconversationinourheadstothis:Thereisgoingtobenotroublehere.

Wedidnotinvitethesharksintoourheads.

ASNIPER’SSECRETWEAPON:THINKPOSITIVE

AfterreturningfromAfghanistan,IbeganteachingadvancedsniperprogramsforNavalSpecialWarfare.Inlate2003mySEALteammateEricDavisandIweretappedtohelpredesignthecoreSEALsniperprogram,oftenconsideredthegoldstandardofsnipertrainingworldwide.BythenU.S.forceswerealreadyhip-deepinIraq,anditwasbecomingclearthattheso-calledWaronTerrorwasnotgoingtobequickoreasy.Inthisnewformofwarfare,SpecialOperationsresourcessuchasSEALsniperswouldplayakeyrole.Weneededtocompletelyrethinkourapproachtosnipertraining.

Werevampedthecoursefromtoptobottom.Webroughtinnewtechnologies.Wemovedourguysfromhand-drawnsketchestoadvancedsoftwareandsatellitecommunications.Weuppedtheirtechnicalweaponstrainingandturnedthemintoballisticsexperts.Wetrainedthemhowtooperateassoloperformersandnotexclusivelyintwo-manshooter-spotterteams.Butthesinglebiggestadvancewemade,theoneadditiontotheprogramthatIammostproudofandthatIbelievemadethebiggestdifferenceinthecourse,adifferencethattookourattritionratefrommorethan30percentdowntolessthan1percentandbeganturningoutperfectscoresontherangeforthefirsttimeinthecourse’shistory,wasthis:wetaughtourstudentshowtochangetheconversationintheirheads.

Hereisasimplemodelweused.Akidstepsuptobat.Hiscoach,orhisdad,yellsout,“Remember,Bobby,don’tstrikeout!”

Sowhathappens?Hestrikesout,ofcourse.Whatelseisthepoorkidgoingtodo?Thecoachhasmadehimsofocusedonswingingandmissing,hassoamplifiedhisfearofstrikingout,thatit’sallhecanseeinhishead.He’sgotahamsterinhisheadrunningonthathamsterwheelfulltiltboogie:Strikeout!Strikeout!Strikeout!Sothat’swhathedoes.

Whatshouldthecoachhavedone?FocusedonremindingBobbyaboutwhatheneededtodoright.Stand,breathe,keepyoureyeontheball,andjudgeit

keenly.Ifit’soutsidethebatter’sbox,letitpass.Ifit’sovertheplate,swingandconnect.Bringbatandballtogether.Makeyourteamproud.Allthatgoodstuff.

Whichismoreorlessexactlywhatwedidwithoursniperstudents.Wetaughtthemhowtoself-coach.Wetaughtthemhowtoflipthatswitchandchangetheconversationintheirheads.Yes,anentiregenerationofSEALsnipers,amongthedeadliestwarriorsontheplanet,weretrainedintheartandscienceofself-talk.

Thesameskillsetappliesinthefieldofbusiness,too,justaseffectivelyasinthefieldofwar.

WhenmyfriendJamesPowellwasservingintheMarineCorps,hehadtheambitiontojointheCIA.Hedecidedtotryout,andprettysoonhewassittinginawaitingroomwithabunchofothercandidates,waitingforhisinterview,surroundedbyNavySEALs,GreenBerets,andotherSpecOpsguys,peoplewithdegreesfromHarvardandYaleandStanford—andsuddenlyJamesfeltlikeaturdinapunchbowl.

Whatthehellwashedoingthere?Thewomanatthefrontdeskaskedhimifhewasokay.“Youlookkindof

nervousthere.”“Honestly,”hetoldher,“Idon’tknowifmyrésuméstacksupwiththese

otherpeople’s.”Henoddedaroundtheroom.Shelookedathimandsaid,“Look,ifyou’reinthisroom,thenthere’sa

reasonyou’reinthisroom.”Itwaswhatheneededtohear.Hercommentallowedhimtoflipamental

switch.Afewminuteslaterhewasinside,acinghisentranceinterview.Hewentontoasolidcareerthere.Todayheisoneofourtopwritersatourveteran-runnewssiteatHurricaneMedia,ourgo-toguyonallthingsCIA.Noneofwhichwouldhavehappenedifhehadn’tinstantlychangedtheconversationinhishead.

OverthepastfewyearsI’vebeenrunningapodcastcalledThePowerofThought.MyguestlisthasincludedaWorldWarIIfighterpilot,aworld-record-breakingastronaut,legendarymusicians,million-dollarentrepreneursandbillion-dollarhedgefundmanagers,andofcourse,NavySEALsandGreenBeretsandotherSpecialOperationswarriors.Ineveryoneofthoseconversations,I’venoticedthiscorecharactertrait:theabilitytoseeandflipthatmentalswitch.Tome,thatabilitytoself-monitorandchangeyourinteriordialogueisoneofthemostcriticalfacultiesthatdistinguishesamature,adulthuman,someonecapableoffunctioningfullyintheworld.It’swhattakesyou

fromvictimmentalitytobeingproactive;fromblamingotherstotakingownershipofyoursituationandtakingpositivestepstochangeit.Ittakesyoufrombeingatthemercyofcircumstancetobeingthemasterofcircumstance.

Itiswhatallowsyoutomasterfear.Don’tgetmewrong:I’mnottalkingaboutdenial,ortellingyourselfthatthe

dangerisn’treal.Youmayhaveheardthatbitofpsychobabbleabouthow“FEARstandsforFalseEvidenceAppearingReal.”Sorry,butthat’sbullshit.Fearmeanstheawarenessofdanger.ThewordcomesfromtheOldEnglishfær:“calamity,danger,peril,suddenattack.”There’snothingfalseorimaginedaboutagroupofpissed-offmountainfighterspointinggunsatyou,orasharkswimmingtowardyou,orabusinesscollapsingintoforeclosure.Orfallingoffaladderwhileyou’rechangingyourstormwindowsandbreakingyourneck.Here’sapopularmemethatistrue:Shithappens.Theworldisdangerous.Lifeisfragile.Eachmomentisprecious,andyouknowwhy?Becauseitwon’tlast.

Fearisnoillusion.Fearisreal.Convinceyourselfthatitisn’t,andyou’realreadydead.

Buthere’swhathappens:Fartoooften,wefocusonthatawarenessofdanger,andbyfocusingonitwemagnifyit,causeittoexpanduntilitstartsfillingthespaceinourheads.Westarthavingthewrongconversationaboutit.Wespinthisstoryandthenkeeptellingandretellingit,likethathamsterrunningonitswheel,overandover.Ratherthanourmasteringfear,fearmastersus.

Whenthathappens,here’swhatyouneedtodo:(a)becomeawareofit,and(b)redirectit.Fliptheswitchinyourhead.

Thisisnotsomevague,newagepoppsychologything.Thisishowbattlesarefoughtandwon.Itishowbillion-dollardealsgodownandoutstandingcareersaremade,howdestiniesarecarvedandlivesarelivedasrichlyandfullyastheydeservetobelived.

MAKEFEARYOURALLY

Onethingthisbookwillnotteachyouishowto“overcomefear.”Idon’tbelieveinovercomingfear,becauseIdon’tseefearasmyenemy.Infact,myexperienceisthatifyouseefearastheenemy,thenyou’vealreadylost.

Fearisnotsomethingtofight.It’ssomethingtoembrace.Youmayhaveseenthequote“Whatwouldyoudoifyouwerenotafraid?”

It’sbecomeoneofthosememesthatpeopleacceptasdivinerevelation,asifitwerehandeddownfromMountSinaionstonetablets.ButI’lltellyouwhatmy

werehandeddownfromMountSinaionstonetablets.ButI’lltellyouwhatmytwoteammatesandIwouldhavedonethatdayinAfghanistanifwewerenotafraid:we’dhavebeentakenprisoner,orshot.Yes,Igetwhatthatmemeauthorwasdrivingat,andIgetthatthere’sagoodpointinthere.Forme,though,hereisamuchmorepowerfulquestion:

“WhatwouldyoudoifyouWEREafraid?”Howwouldyoudealwiththatfear?Wouldyouletitstopyouorpropelyou

forward?Fearcanbeasetofmanacles,holdingyouprisoner.Oritcanbeaslingshot,catapultingyouontogreatness.Readthebiographiesofgreatmenandwomen,andyoufindthatpeoplewhoaccomplishgreatthingstypicallydosonotbydenyingorbeatingbacktheirfearsbutbyembracingthem.Notbyseeingfearastheenemybutbymakingittheirally.

Thegoalisnottoeliminatethefear.Youdon’twantthatfeartogoaway.Youdon’twanttostepintothering,ontothestage,oroutonthebattlefieldalllooseandlaidback.Professionalsingers,dancers,actors,andspeakerswilltellyouthatthenervousnesstheyfeel,thatpinchofanxietygoingintoaperformance,ismoreprecioustothemthangold,thattheycan’tdelivertothelevelthey’recapableofwithoutit.Youwantthatadrenalinerunning,thosepalmssweating,thatstomachfoldinginonitself.Recordsarenotbrokeninpractice;they’rebrokeninthepressurecookerofthecompetition.

Fearisalotlikefire.Whenit’soutofcontrol,fireisdestructive.Learnhowtouseit,andyoucandopracticallyanything.Harnessingfireiswhatmadehumancivilization.Harnessingfearcanchangethecourseofyourdestiny.

JoséTorreswasoneofthegreatsofboxing,anOlympicsilvermedalist(lostthegoldbyasinglepoint)andthefirstLatinAmericantowintheWorldLightHeavyweightChampionship.Hissecretweaponwassomethinghelearnedfromhistrainer,thelegendaryCusD’Amato.Whentheywereworkingtogether,Josédiscoveredsomethingabouthistrainerthatshockedhim:D’Amatowasdeathlyafraidofflying.Infact,he’dneversetfootonaplane.

“Areyoukiddingme?”saidJosé.“Howcanyouteachmehowtoconquerfearintheringwhenyoucan’teventakeanormalplaneflight?”

Cusshookhishead.“Youhavetobesmarterthanthat,José.Fearissomethingyoumusthaveifyouwanttobeachampion.”

“Youneedfear,”asJosélaterexplainedit,“foryoutounderstandwhentheguyisgoingtothrowapunchbeforehethrowsthepunch,toanticipatewhattheguyisgonnadobeforehedoesit.Allthatistriggeredbyfear.Havingthatfear—notlettingitgetthebestofyou,butusingittohelpyou—thatisthequalityofachampion.Fearisoneofthebestfriendsachampionhas.”

YoucanuseJosé’sstrategy,too.Thenexttimeyouexperiencetruefearoranxietyaboutwhateversharkisswimmingyourway—thatbigbillcomingdue,thatimportantmeeting,thatdifficultconversation—don’twasteaninstantoftimeorounceofenergytryingtostoporevadethefear.Instead,useit.Embraceit.Makeityourally.

Ratherthantellingyourself,“Iamnotworried,Iamnotworried”(whichyouknowistotalbullshitsoyoudon’tbelieveitanyway),askyourself,“Okay:howcanIusethisstaticchargetosharpenmyself?”

Takeadeepbreath,thenanother.Sithighuponyoursteed.Thechallengeisreal,notfalse,butitisitsownsizeandweight,nomore,andyouareuptothetask.Beawareofthefear,andfocusontheswing.Onbringingballandbattogether.You’vegotthis.Bethechampionyouare.

MAKEYOURSELFDROWN-PROOF

Ididn’tknowitatthetime,butmyteenexperienceswithunderwaterwildlifewerepreparingmeforsituationsIwouldencounteryearslaterinBasicUnderwaterDemolition/SEAL(BUD/S)training.Forexample,thesequencerightinFirstPhasecalled“drown-proofing.”

Theytieyourhandstogetherbehindyourbackwithastrap,thentieyourlegstogetherattheankleswithanotherstrap.Thenyougointhewater.Youfloatforafewminutes,thentheytellyoutostartbobbing.Yousinktothebottom,fifteenfeetdown,thenpushbackupandtakeabreath,thenbackdown,upanddown,upanddown.Fifteenfeetisnotaninsignificantverticaldistance.

Youdothisforfiveminutes.Notaninsignificantlengthoftime.Thentheyblowthewhistle,andyouhavetoswimlaps,afewhundredyards

inall.Yourfeetandarmsarestillstrappedtight,ofcourse,soyoucan’tswimnormally.Youhavetofigureouthowtosortofdolphinyourselfalong.

Youhaveafewdaystopracticeallthisbeforetheytestyou.Someguysfreakoutrightinthepracticeanddon’tevenmakeittothetest.Theyjustwigrightout—andthey’regone:instantfail.Whattheydon’trealizeisthatifyoudon’tletyourpanicgetholdofyou,thisexerciseisactuallyaconfidencebuilder.Atfirst,thesenseofnotbeingabletouseyourhandsandfeetasyounormallywouldfeelshorriblylimiting,evenclaustrophobic.Butifyourelaxandgowithit,youquicklyrealizethatyoucanactuallyswimjustfinethatway.

There’smore.Nextyouhaveafifty-meterunderwaterswim.Nopushoffthewall:youjustjumpinfeetfirst,doanunderwatersomersault,thenswimthelengthofthepool,touchthewall,andswimbackagain,allwithoutsurfacingtobreathe.Honestly,ifyoucanholdyourbreathandstaycalm,it’snotthatdifficult,physicallyspeaking.Butthat’saverybigif.

Astheclasstouchesthefarsideandstartsswimmingback,usuallyafewblackoutandstartfloatingtothesurfacelikedeadgoldfish.Typically,theinstructorswillpassthoseguys.Theygotreallyclose,andhey,atleasttheydidn’tquit.

Othersreachapointwheretheythinktheycan’tgoonanymore,andtheysurfacevoluntarilytotakeabigbreath.That’safail.Thetruthis,theycouldhavemadeit,butastheygrewmoreandmoreuncomfortableholdingtheirbreathandthinkingtheywerereachingtheirlimits,theysquanderedpreciousresourcesfightingbackthepanic.

Afewguysdon’teventry.Theyjustfacetheexercise,backdown,packtheirbags,andgohome.They’vealreadydrowned,withoutevenputtingatoeinthepool.

Thisisn’tjustaboutwater.Youcandrowninfearanywhere.Forexample,takethatcommonphrase“drowningindebt.”Really?Yes,you

maybeswimmingindebt.Butdrowning?That,too,islargelyinyourhead.Thisisn’taCharlesDickensnovelandwearen’tlivinginnineteenth-centuryEngland.Thereisnodebtors’prisonhere.Youcanbedeepinredink,startingfromlessthannothing,owingafortune,andstillclimbout.Peopledoitallthetime.I’vedoneit.Youdon’treallydrownindebt;youdrownintheconversationyou’rehavinginyourheadaboutyourdebt,whichshapesyouractions,andthusshapesyourreality.

Sayyouhaveahandfulofcreditorsyoucan’tpayrightnow.Ifyouthinkyou’redrowning,youpanicandstarttryingtogulpair.Maybeyouavoidthosecreditors,don’treturntheircalls,evadetheiremails,andmeanwhilestarttakingridiculousriskstoseeifyoucanmakebackyourlossesasquicklyaspossible.Allyou’redoingisthrashinginthewater,sinkingdeeper,andusingupvitaloxygenintheprocess.Instead,staycalm,conserveoxygen.Contactthemall,makearationalpaybackplan(you’dbeamazedatthetermsyoucanworkoutwhenyoudemonstrateasincereintenttomakethedebtwhole),cutexpenses,takeaSmallBusinessAdministrationloantoconsolidatethedebtsandexpand

yourbusiness,ortakeonextraworkoranextrajobjustfornow,dowhateveryouhavetodotostartchippingawayatit,astrokeatatime—that’sswimming.

RememberJamesPowell,sittinginthatreceptionarea,waitingforhisjobinterviewattheCIA?That’swhathewasdoingthere:drowningininsecurity.That’swhatBobby’sdoingcrouchedattheplate,staringoverhiselbowatthepitcher:drowninginthehumiliationandignominyofstrikingoutinhishead.

Iseepeopledrowningininexperience,drowninginobligation,drowninginunhappyrelationships,drowninginjobstheyhate.Thinkingthey’verunoutofoxygen,runoutoftime,runoutofoptions.It’snottrue,buttheyseeitastrue,andsotheygounder.Thetruthis,theycouldswimjustfine,evenwiththeirhandsandfeettied,iftheywouldjustchangetheconversationintheirheads.Butthey’vegivenup.

Whattheyneedisn’tmorecapital,moreincome,moreoxygen.Whattheyneedisanewunderstandingofwherefearispointingthem—andaroadmapforhowtogetthere.

WhichbringsusbacktomyfriendKamal.

FOLLOWTHESIGNPOST

TheonlyreasonKamalandIendedupinthatweekofswimlessonstogetheristhatweshareincommonthesamepersonalcredoaboutfear.

I’vedescribedfearasasecretweapon,achampion’sbestfriend;asacatapultorsetofmanacles;astheawarenessofdanger,asenseoftheperilinyourpath.Theseareallworkabledescriptions.ButhereisthemostusefulcoredefinitionoffearI’vecomeacross:

Fearisasignpost,pointingthewaytotheprize.Here’showKamalputsit.“Ihavethisrule,”hesays.“Ifsomethingscares

me,itmeansthere’smagicontheotherside.”That’swhyhewaswillingtomeetmeatthepool.Heknewitwouldbeworthit.

YearsagoKamalwalkedthelegendaryCaminodeSantiagotrailacrossSpain(atrekthatformedthebasisforhis2017novel,Rebirth).Theentireroutewaspunctuatedbyyellowarrowsthatsomeonehadpaintedcarefullyontothescenerytoguidethepilgrimsforwardintherightdirection.Theyshowedupeverywhere:ontheroad,onthesidewalk,onarock,onamailbox.

Hestillseesthoseyellowarrowstoday,saysKamal,everywherehegoes.Wealldo.It’sjustthatwemisreadthem.Wetendtoseetheseyellowarrowsas

signsscreaming,“Danger!Stop!Goback!”—whentheyarereallypointingthewayahead,whispering,“Thisway!Thisway!”

Thereisawordforthoseyellowarrows:fear.Oftenwhatweinterpretasdangerisreallythesparkofadventure,theelectricbuzzofsensingwhat’soverthehorizon.AsignalsayingThisiswherethingsgetexciting.

Asignpostpointingthewaytotheprize.IlovetakingpeopleupinmyRV-6A,thelittleside-by-sidetwo-seaterI

keepjustoutsideManhattan.ItakethempasttheStatueofLiberty,givethematouroftheManhattanskyline,showthemCentralParkfrom1,500feet.I’veflownmorethanahundredpeopleupoverNewYorkCity,andInevergettiredofit.I’venoticedaninterestingpattern.

Whilesomeofmypassengersarenervousaboutflyinginmylittleplane,andsomeareoutrightscared,therearesomewhodothewholeflightwithabsolutelynofearatall.Andhere’stheinterestingpart:typically,thosepassengerswhoarenoteventheslightestbitnervousarealsonotthatexcitedaboutitafterward.Tothem,itwasnobigdeal.Butthosepeoplewhowerethemostterrifiedaboutgoingup?They’realsotheoneswhogetthemostoutoftheexperience.Itmeansmoretothem.Theyovercameabiggerhurdletodoit,andtheyappreciateitmore.

It’sbecausethatprizeisontheothersideoffear.“Whichisallwellandgood,”youmightbethinking,“buthowdoIget

there?Theprizemaybesittingoverthere,butI’mstilloverhere!SowhatdoIdo?”

That’sthequestionthisbookisheretoanswer.IpromisedIwouldtellyouexactlywhatIdidwithKamaltogofromaplace

ofpanictorunningcannonballsafewdayslater.It’stimetofollowthroughonthatpromise.

AROADMAPTOTHEPRIZE

Imaginethatyourlifeisastory,afantasyadventurecompletewithgoblinsandmonsters,impassableforestsandimpossibletasks,andafantasticrewardinstoreattheendoftheroad—aring,atreasure,amagicbird,thekeystothekingdom.Youaretheprincess,ortheprince,andthisisyourjourney.Thosegoblinsandmonstersandforestsandmountainsareeverythingthatseemstostandinyourway—everydanger,everyhazard,everyobstacle.Everythingthatcomesbetweenyouandyourheart’sdesire.

comesbetweenyouandyourheart’sdesire.Fearispointingtheway.Butjusthowdoyougetthere?Here’show.Therearefivelegstothejourney;IcallthemDecision,Rehearsal,Letting

Go,JumpingOff,andKnowingWhatMatters.Callthisyourroadmapfromfeartotheprize.

Inmyexperience,thepathtomasteringfearstartswithamomentofdecision,apersonalcommitmenttomeetthatfearandtakeaction,largeorsmall,inthefaceofthatfear—evenifyoudon’tknowwhatthatactionisorhowyou’repossiblygoingtotakeit.Thewhatandthehowaren’timportantrightnow.You’reintherealmofpuredecision.I’mgoingtodothisthing.(That’sDecision.)

Onceyou’vemadethedecision,it’samatterofdoingwhateveryouhavetoinordertoorganizeandprepareyourself.(Rehearsal.)Onceyou’vesufficientlyprepared,therecomesapointwhenyouhavetoletgoofwhatevercrutch,limitation,orsafetyblanketyou’vebeenholdingontothatkeepsyoufromdivingin(LettingGo)—andthen,havingletgoofthelipofthepool,totakeaction(JumpingOff),thatfirststepoffyourformerhomebasethatlaunchesthejourney.

Finally,therehastobesomethingthatmakesgoingthroughthatwholesequenceworthit.Somethingimportant—thatis,importanttoyou.(KnowingWhatMatters.)Oftenyoucannotgothatlastactionstep,makethatjumping-offleapintotheabyssoftheunknown,withoutfirsthavingamomentofvividclaritywhereyouidentifyexactlywhatthismostimportantthingis.

Allmysuccessfulencounterswithfear,andthoseofmyfriendswhosestoriesI’llshareinthesepages,havefollowedthissamegeneralpatternoffivecrucialanddistinctsteps.

ThisisexactlywhatIdidwithKamalduringthatweekintheNewYorkAthleticClubswimmingpool.

1.DECISION

Masteringfearstartswithadecision.WhenIhadthatinitialconversationwithKamalabouthelpinghimlearnto

swim,thefirstthingIdidwasaskhimtocommittoaweek.Ididn’tsay,“Whydon’tyoucomebysometime,andwe’llseewhathappens.”Ididn’tsay,“Youwanttogiveitatry?”Ididn’tsay,“Hey,comeonoverwhenyouhavetime,andwe’llworkonthis.”Itoldhimhehadtocomeeveryday,atthesametimeevery

we’llworkonthis.”Itoldhimhehadtocomeeveryday,atthesametimeeveryday,foroneweek.

Hesaid,“Okay.”Nohesitation.Nomaybe.Hesaidhewouldshowup,andhedid.Righton

time,too.Decision.

2.REHEARSAL

OnceKamalmadethedecisiontohitthepool,thequestionwas,whatshouldwedothere?WhatIforsurewasnotgoingtodowaswhateveryoneelsehaddonewhenthey’dtriedtohelphimswim,whichwastopushhimto“getoutofhiscomfortzone.”

Inmostcasesthisisterribleadvice.Mosttimes,whenpeoplestepoutoftheircomfortzone,theyjustfreakout.Why?Becausethey’renotprepared.MyfirstgoalwastogetKamalprepared.

Youdon’tstartwithwhatyoucan’tmanage.Youstartwithwhatyoucanmanageandthenbuildonthat.Allthetechniquethatallthoseotherteachershadtriedtogethimtodo—thearms,thelegs,thekicks,thestrokes,eventhefloating—allofthatwasn’tthepoint.Thatwasallperipheral.Thepointwaswaterandbreathing.That’swhatwaterboardingisallabout;that’swhatthefearofdrowningisallabout.Waterandbreathing.

Sowestartedwithwaterandbreathing.“Here’swhatwe’regoingtodo,”Isaid.“I’llhaveyoutakeabreathandhold

it.Thenyou’llloweryourheadintothewater,justforamoment,andwhileyou’reinthewater,breatheout,likeyou’reblowingbubbles.I’llshowyoufirst.Youdon’tbreathein,justout.Thenassoonasyou’vedonethat,youliftyourheadoutofthewateragain.Thentakeabreathin...andrepeattheprocess.Okay?”

Ishowedhim.Hewatchedclosely,nodded.Gottheplan.Okay.Nowitwashisturn.Italkedhimthroughit.“Okay,bigbreathin—now,headinthewaterand

breatheout....”Heloweredhisheadintothewater,somebubblessprangtothesurface,andasplitsecondlatersodidKamal’sterrifiedface.“Good.Nowbreatheinagain”(he’dalreadydonethat—hewasgaspingforbreaththeinstanthesurfaced)“andnow,facebackinthewaterandbreatheout,slowlythistime....”

Hedid,andsurfacedagain.Thereweresomemistakes,somepanic,somecoughingandsputtering,buthegotit.Wedidthatafewmoretimes.

coughingandsputtering,buthegotit.Wedidthatafewmoretimes.Thenwemovedontosomethingelse.Ishowedhimhowtokickhisfeet,had

himpracticewithakickboard.Therewasnothingthreateningaboutthiswhatsoever.Thekickingitselfwasn’tevenallthatimportant,honestly.Theideaherewasjusttogethimcomfortablewithbeinginthewaterandhavingcontroloverhisbody.Thecriticalpiecewasalreadybehindus:waterandbreathing.

Notice:hewasn’tswimming.Hewasstretchinghiscomfortzone.Rehearsal.

3.LETTINGGO

Theseconddaywepracticedthesamethingsagain:breathinginwhileabovewater,thendunkingandbreathingout;surfaceandinhale,dunkandexhale.Andkicking.

Bynowhehadgottenthisdown,butitwasallstillhappeningrightattheedgeofthepool.Themomenthefeltuncomfortablehewouldreachforthewall.Iknewhowtodealwiththat.

Isaid,“Iwanttogiveyouademonstration.”ItoldhimIwasgoingtoshowhimhowalungfulofairwouldkeephimafloat.Iexplainedthatwhenyoustretchyourbodyoutonthewater’ssurfaceandfillyourlungswithair,theyactasabuoyancycompensator,likethetanksyouusewhenyouscubadive.“Watch.”

Itookadeepbreath,andthen,whileholdingit,Ipushedoff...andfloated.Hejustwatchedme.Ijustfloated.ThenIletmybreathout,loudly(sohecouldhearit),andstartedtosink.

“Oh,myGod,”hesaid.“Igetit.Thatreallyworks.”“Yourturn,”Isaid.“Takeadeepbreath...andhold...andnowpushoff.”Hedid.Hestretchedhisbodyoutanddriftedawayfromthewall,justavery

shortdistance,andfloatedonhisback,justlikeI’ddone.Then,whenhecouldn’tholdhisbreathanymoreandstartedlettingitout,hebegantosink—andgrabbedforthewall.

“Okay,”Isaid.“Thisisthenextpart.Youhavetostopreachingforthewall.Sodothis:whenyoustarttofeeluncomfortable,insteadofreachingforthewall,justtakeanotherdeepbreath,andfloatonyourback.”

Ittookhimafewtries,buteventuallyhegotit.Thefirsttimehedid,Icouldpracticallyheartheclick!Hehadalifetimeoftrainingtellinghimtomakeagrabforthatpoolwallthemomenthefeltunsafe,butnowhehadsupplantedthat

impulsewithanewtraining,andinsteadofreachingforthewall,hewouldfliptohisbackandfloat.

Lettinggo.

4.JUMPINGOFF

Rememberthatdrown-proofingexercisefromBUD/S,wheretheystrapyourhandsandfeettogetherandhaveyoubobupanddowninthewater?Nowthathewasokaylettinggoofthewall,IdidthiswithKamal.Ididn’ttiehishandsandfeet,ofcourse.AndIdiditwithhim,thetwoofusfacingeachother.Downwewent,lookingintoeachother’seyes,anduptothesurfaceagain.Likesynchronizedswimmers.Synchronizedbobbers.

Again,thisdidnotgoperfectly.Afewtimeshepanickedandimmediatelysurfaced.Butstill,hedidit.“Ican’tbelieveI’mdoingthis,”hesaidinbetweendunks.Hesaiditmorethanonce.Gradually,hisfearbegantorelax.BytheendofthatsessionIhadhimonthebottomofthetwelve-footsection,sittingtherecross-legged,holdinghisbreath,sereneascouldbe.Thenhewouldpushup,gotothesurface,takeabreath,andgobackdowntosit.

Ondaythreewepracticedeverythingwe’ddoneondaysoneandtwo,andthenIshowedhimhowtodoagentlesidestroke,kickingwithhisheadoutofthewaterthewholetime.ThenIshowedhimhowtokickonhisback,breathingslowlyinandoutashewent.Onhisbacklikethat,Ihadhimgoclearacrossthepool,thenback.Thendownagain,andbackagain,andonfortenfulllaps.TheNYACpoolisfiftymeterslong;afulllapbackandforthisahundredmeters.

Kamaldidathousandmetersthatday.Jumpingoff.“Lookatwhatyou’redoing,”Isaid.“Forgetaboutthatkitesurfingissue—if

youfelloffaboatrightnowandyouweren’tevenwearingalifevest,younowhavethebasicstosurvive.Youjustrollontoyourbackanddowhatyou’redoingrightnow.You’reswimming,man.”

Thatwasit.Fromthenon:cannonball.

5.KNOWINGWHATMATTERS

ThefunnythingaboutallthiswasthatforKamal,swimmingitselfwasn’treallyallthatimportant.Itwasn’tasifheintendedtolaunchacareerasalifeguardora

combatswimmer,orhadanycompellingreasontohavetobeabletoswim.Notbeingabletoswimwasn’tinterferingwithhislifeinanysubstantialway.Sure,itwasasocialinconvenience.Hedidn’tlikegoingtopartiesathisfriend’shouseandnotbeingabletojoininthefunatthepool.Still,notsuchabigdeal.

ButKamalhatedtheideaoffearholdinghimback.Asheputit,“Idon’tlikebeingafraid.ItreallybuggedmethatIcouldn’tswim.”Itwasn’ttheswimpartofthatsentencethatbuggedhim,itwasthecouldn’tpart.

Itwasimportanttohimtoswim,becauseit’simportanttohimtolive,andtolivefully.

Helatertoldmethatdoingthatfirstcannonballoffthepool’sedgewasoneofthebestfeelingshe’deverhadinhislife.Itwasn’tthecannonballitself.Itwasthefreedomofit.Thatfeelingmadeallthefearworthit.ThatwasKamal’sprize,themagicontheotherside,andhe’scarrieditwithhimeversince.

Thepanicstillcomesbacksometimes,hetellsme.Sometimeswhenhe’sinapool,hefeelsitstartingtogriphim,andwhenitdoes,hejustflipsontohisbackandfloatsandsmiles.Hishappyplace.Hisfreedom.

That’syourroadmap—yourpathfromthefeartotheprize:

Inthenextfivechaptersofthisbook,I’llwalkyouthrougheachofthesefivestepsinmoredetail.

Bythetimewegettotheconclusion,you’llbeclaimingyourprize.

PRACTICEPOINTS

Masteringfearisnotaboutbecomingstronger,tougher,ormorestoic.Itisaboutlearninghowtoidentifyandchangetheconversationinyourhead.Thatabilitytoself-monitorandredirectyourinteriordialogueiswhattakesyoufromavictimmentalitytoaproactivemindset;fromblamingotherstotakingownershipofyoursituation;frombeingatthemercyofcircumstancetobeingthemasterofcircumstance.

Controlyourinteriormonologue.Facethedanger.Knowthattheactualphysicalsituationisnowherenearasbadasthestoryyou’respinningaboutitinyourmind.Whateverthechallengeis,tellyourself:You’lldealwithitinitstimeandplace.Don’truminate.Don’tletthewildbeastsofnegativityanddefeatroamaroundinyourthoughts.Don’tinvitethesharksintoyourhead.

Fliptheswitch.Focusonpositiveactionstepsyoucantake,notonthepossiblethreatsorrisksinvolved;onwhatyouaimtodo,notonwhatyouhopetoavoid.

Makefearyourally.Thinkbacktothemostrecentmomentyouexperiencedanykindoffearoranxiety.Closeyoureyesandputyourselfbackinthatsituation;bringitupasvividlyaspossible.

Themomentyoufeelthefearagain,takeabreath—andfeelthatelectricchargeoffearasthebuzzofexcitement,pointingyoutowardtheprize.

Nowaskyourself,“HowcanIusethisstaticchargetosharpenmyself?”

Memorizethestepsabovesothatyoucanexecutethesequenceswiftlyandfirmlythenexttimeyouexperienceafreshfearsituation.

M

1

DECISION

Burntheboats.—ALEXANDERTHEGREAT,

uponreachingtheshoresofPersia,therebycuttingoffhisarmy’sonlymeansofretreat

YFACEISgrindingintothesand,mybodyisbeyondexhausted.Fourterrifyingmenareclusteredaroundme,screamingatmeanddoingtheir

besttokillme.Notphysicallykillme.I’llgrantyouthat.Theyaren’tgoingtoshipmeout

ofhereinabodybag.Butmakenomistake:Theyareplanningtoshipmeout.Today.Theywantmeasgoneaslastweek’sbreakfast,andtheyareheretomakesurethathappens.

BasicUnderwaterDemolition/SEALtrainingisfamousforthreethings.First,thatimageyou’veprobablyseen,alineofguysrunningonabeach,miserablebutdetermined,carryinganinsanelyheavylogontheirshoulderswhilebeingyelledatbytheirinstructor.

Second,thefactthatthere’sthisbrutalordealsomewhereintherecalled“HellWeek.”

Andfinally:thequitting.Thedesolaterowofemptyclasshelmetslinedupontheasphalt,markingthepassageofthevanquished,thegoners,thelosers.Andhangingoverthehelmets,thatevilbrassbell:thebellyoustepuptoandringthreetimestomakeyourdefeatofficial.Thebellyouringtotellallyourinstructorsandyourteammates:“Igiveup.Iquit.”InBUD/S,thequittingneverstops.

Infact,itstartsevenbeforethefirstday.Lyingherefacedownonthebeach,myteethbitingonsand,Ihaveaclear

recollectionofthedayIshowedupforregistrationtenweeksago,sittingona

benchbythatconcrete-and-asphaltgrinder,watchingaBUD/SinstructorpushinganotherclassofSEALcandidatesthroughtheirpunishingroutineofPTs(physicaltraining,i.e.,calisthenics),andbeingscarednearlyoutofmymind.Holyshit.Sevenmonthsofthat?

Thereareplentyofwould-beSEALcandidateswhoreachthispointanddon’tevenmakeitthroughthecheckinprocess.Allittakesiswitnessinganotherclassbeingputthroughtheirpaces,andtheirSEALambitionscrumbletodust.Iunderstandwhy.Thetruthis,IhadahardenoughtimejustpassingthequalstogetintoBUD/S,forgetgettingthroughit.Iwascomingoffyearsofregularnavyservice,thefatfleetguyfreshfromhiscushytourontheUSSKittyHawkandcheckingintoBUD/SafterbarelypassingtheSEALentrancePTs.Theguytheothercandidateswilllookdownonandtheinstructorswillmarkrightawayforearlyelimination.Ofthe220guysinmyBUD/Sclass,Iwastheguynobodywantedtobe.“Thatguy.”Thatwasme.

AttheotherendofthespectrumwasLars,asupremelyathleticguyatthetopofourclass.Anincrediblespecimen.Larshadthighsliketreetrunksandcoulddopush-upsfromdawntilldusk.Hecoulddoanythingyouthrewathim.Hewasn’thuman.

Andinourfirstweekoftraining,aboutfourthirtyinthemorning,Larsquit.Wecouldn’tbelieveit.Theguywealllookedupto,theguyweallwould

havepegged“mostlikelytosucceed”wasgone,nothinglefttosayhe’deverbeentherebutanotheremptyhelmet.Lyingthereinthedark,sunnotupyet,hearingthatlonelybrassbellclangingoutthroughthesilenceofthefreezingmorningair,Icouldpracticallyhearthethoughtsemanatingfromtheheadsofalltheguysaroundme,guyswhouptothatpointhadbelievedtheyweredoingprettywell.Shit!—ifLarscan’tdoit,thenIdon’thaveasnowflake’schanceinhell!BythetimewegotthroughourinitialindocperiodandenteredFirstPhaseofactualtraining,10percentofourclassquit.

Andnow,hereIam,onthebeachneartheendofFirstPhase,andohboy,onlyfivemonthsoftorturetogo.

IfIsurvivethisparticular,personalizedtorture,thatis.Foralotofguys,themomentofreckoningwillcomeinafewdays,when

HellWeekstarts.Notme,though.Forme,Christmashascomeearlythisyear.Thisafternoon,thesefourprofessionalsadistscameovertoourteamandpulledmeaside,separatingmefromtheherdlikeadoomedwildebeestpluckedbyaprideoflions,andwalkedmeoutontothebeach,alone.Wheretheyarenowpushingmethroughanendlessseriesofcalisthenics,allthewhileshoveling

sandinmyfaceandscreaminginsultsatme,allfouratonce,atthetopoftheirlungs.

They’vebeendoingthisnowfor,oh,closetoanhour,ormaybeit’sbeenclosetoayear,I’mreallynotsureatthispoint.

Thisisnotatest,Itellmyself.Theseguysarenottryingto“seewhatI’mmadeof.”TheyalreadyknowwhatI’mmadeof,I’mmadeofdirtandshitandweakness,andtheydon’tlikeme,notevenalittle.Theyseemeasahandicaptotheteam,andtheyareright.Theywantmegone,andifIwereintheirshoes,that’sexactlywhatI’dwant,too.Theyarewillingme,withallthepersistenceandverbalabuseandsheerforceofintentiontheycanbring,tocrawlfromthebeachuptotheasphaltandringthatgoddamnbrassbell.Igetit.

Ilookupatmyinstructorandtellhimtogofuckhimself.Theonlywaytheyaregettingmeoutofherewillbeinabodybag.

Hedrillsmewithalookthatcouldboreaholeinaconcreteslab.Thennodsandletsmeup.Helooksoverathiscolleaguesandsaysthreewords:“We’redonehere.”

Hecanseeitinmyface:I’vedecided.

—OFTHE220guyswhostartedoutinmyBUD/Sclass,fewerthantwodozenmadeittotheend.ThatafternoononthebeachinFirstPhase,Irealizedtwothings.First,thatIwasoneofthathandfulwhowouldbegoingallthewaythrough.Andsecond,whyitwasthatsomanyotherswouldn’t.Anditwasn’taboutweakness,orbecauseitwashard.

Thereasonsomanyguysquitwasjustthis:theyneverreallystarted.ThoseofuswhowentallthewaythroughBUD/Swerenotthestrongones.

Nottheoneswithgreaterabilityoranexcessoftoughness.Wewerejusttheoneswhohaddecidedtodoit.

Masteringfearstartswithadecision.Youmightthinkthatbigdecisions,potentiallylife-alteringdecisions,ariseoutofcourage.Theydon’t.It’stheotherwayaround.Thestrengthandthecouragetokeepgoingariseoutofthedecision.

Thedecisioncomesfirst.

DECIDETODECIDE

Decisionsdon’tjusthappen.Youhavetomakeaconsciouschoicetobesomeonewhomakesdecisions.Youhavetodecidetodecide.

someonewhomakesdecisions.Youhavetodecidetodecide.Iknowthatsoundscircular,butit’stherock-solidtruth.Plentyofpeoplego

throughtheirentirelivesneverreallymakingdecisions.Notbigones,anyway.Sure,theymaydecidewhattowatchonTV,orwhichsockstoputonthatmorning.Whattomajorinatcollege,whichcareerpathtogointo.Buteventhoselargerlifechoicesare,forfartoomanypeople,decisionstheymoreorlessslideinto,notoutofanysoul-shakingreflectionandcommitment,butmorebecauseit’sjustwhatseemstocomenext.Maybeit’swhattheirparentsdid,orwhatanoldersiblingdid,orwhatthepeoplearoundthemexpectthemtodo.Whattheirfriendsaredoing.Whatseemedlikethemostreasonablechoiceatthetime.

Forme,that’snotalifelived,oratleastnotlivedfully.Andit’ssurelynowaytomasterfear.

Thefirstandmostcriticalstepinmasteringfearistomakeadecisionthathasitsrootsdeepinyourbones,deepinyourcharacter,deepinyoursoul.Todothat,youhavetochoosetobethekindofpersonwhomakesdecisionslikethat.

Youhavetodecidetodecide.Ilearnedthisfrommydad,andatthetime,Ihatedit.MyfamilylivedinthemountainsofBritishColumbiauntilIwaseightyears

old,whenmydaddecideditwastimetopursueadreamheandmymomhadtosailaroundtheworld.TheyboughtaboatandsailedusdowntoVentura,California,wherewelivedaboardthatboatforthenextsevenoreightyears.

LivingonasailboatinCaliforniawassomethinglikelivinginatrailerinTexas.Atschool,Iwas“theboatkid.”AsfarasIwasconcerned,itwasagreatlife;Iwouldgosurfingeverymorningbeforemyclassesstarted.I’dbeenworkingonthatdiveboatsincetheageoftwelve,andIlovedit.ByagefifteenIwaslivingafantasticlifestyle,makinggoodmoney,sellinglobsterIcaughttomyrestaurantownerfriends(probablyillegally),andlookingforwardtoturningsixteen,gettingmydriver’slicense,andchasinggirls.

Thenonenightmydadmadeanannouncement.“Everyonearoundheretalksaboutthetripthey’regoingtotakesomeday,”hesaid.“They’regoingtosailhere,sailthere,blahblahblah.Idon’twanttobetheguywhotalksaboutithiswholelifeandneverdoesit.”

Thenhesaid,“We’regoing.”Andhemeantit.Iwasmightilypissedoff.Ilovedmylifejustthewayitwas.Ididn’twantto

gooffonsomefamilytrip.Butoffwewent.Myparentsenrolledmysisterandmeinindependentstudies,andnextthingweknewweweresailingdownthecoastofMexico,embarkingonathirty-daypassageintotheheartofthePacific

thousandsofmilesaway.BythetimewereachedtheMarquesasIslands,mydadandIwerearguing

oversomequestionsofcorrectseamanship.Eighthundredmileslater,whenwereachedTahiti,thefrictionbetweenushadgottensobadthatitwasclearoneofushadtogo.Itwashisboat,sotheonewhowentwasme.ThenextdayIwasstandingonanislandintheSouthPacificsaying,Shit,thisisforreal.

WhenthefamilyboatsetsailfromTahiti,Iwasnolongeronit.IleftbehindeverythingI’dbroughtwithme,whichwasprettymuch

everythingIowned:allmydivegear,aspeargun,aknifecollection,atonofbooks.Allmyworldlypossessions.MyparentshelpedmefindacrewthatwasheadedtoHawaii.(Andby“crew”Imeanayoungcouplewiththeirthree-year-oldsononaforty-footcatamaran.)ForthenexttwoweeksmyhostsandImadeourwaynorth,boundforHiloontheopenwater.HereIwas,justturnedsixteen,mychildhoodhomebehindmeandgoneforever,aloneonthePacific.Thefirstfewnights,Icriedmyselftosleep.Iwasterrified.

WhenIeventuallyreachedCalifornia,Ihadtofaceallthechallengesofbeingateenageronmyown,learninghowtodoallthosethingsI’dalwaystakenforgranted,eventasksassimpleasshoppingformyself,makingdinnerformyself,keepingmyownlaundrytogether.WhenIgotthatdriver’slicense,Ididn’tevenknowhowtoputgasinthecar.AsscaryasithadbeentofacethePacificOceaninacatamaran,inmanywaysthiswasevenscarier.

Anditwasallbecauseofthosetwowordsmydadhadsaid.We’regoing.Myresentmentburnedlikeablastfurnace.Funnything,though.Yes,Iwas

furiousathim,andyes,Iwasscared.Atthesametime,though,thestrengthandpowerofthattwo-worddecisionwasundeniable.Lookingback,IrealizenowthatasangryasIwas,Ialsodrewstrengthfromhisexample.

You’veprobablyexperiencedthis:amomentwhenyoufacedatoughdecision,andthenonceyoumadeit,everythingsuddenlyfeltclearer.It’slikethefirstcrackofthunderafteralongbuildupoflow-pressureatmosphere.Theairhasbeengrowingheavyandovercastallday,untilthatmomentwhenthestormfinallybreaks—andthenallatoncetheairchanges.That’stheclarityyougetfrommakingabigdecision.Andoutofthatclaritycomesgreatstrength.

YearslaterIlearnedaboutthegreatIrishexplorerErnestShackleton,whowassometimescriticizedbyhiscontemporariesforbeingrestlessandeccentric.Otherswereimpressedwithhiskeenmindandunusualleadershipstyle.Shackletondidn’tcareforauthoritarianhierarchies;helikedtoformapersonalbondwitheachmemberofhiscrew.Inselectingcrewmembers,hecaredless

bondwitheachmemberofhiscrew.Inselectingcrewmembers,hecaredlessaboutpeople’stechnicalqualificationsandmoreabouttheircharacter.AndtoShackleton,characterlayprimarilyinthecapacitytobefirmlyresolute.

In1914,Shackletonbeganpreparingforoneofthemostambitioustrans-Antarcticexpeditionsevermounted.Torecruitsuitableapplicantsforhisnewcrew,aslegendhasit,heplacedthisadinthenewspaper:

Menwantedforhazardousjourney.Lowwages,bittercold,longhoursofcompletedarkness.Safereturndoubtful.Honorandrecognitionineventofsuccess.

Doyousupposethepeoplewhoansweredthatadwereafraid?Ofcoursetheywere.Theyweren’tidiots.Theyknewthatwhenhewrote“Safereturndoubtful,”hewasn’tkidding.Buttheirsenseofadventureoutweighedthefear.Toaman,Ihavenodoubt,theyallreadthatadandhadtheidenticalthought,theexactsametwowordsmyfatherspoke:

We’regoing.

LEARNTOTRUSTYOURGUT

Sojusthowdoyoubecomesomeonewhomakesstrongdecisions?HowdoyoudevelopthatShackletongene?

Itstartswithlearningtotrustyourgut.ThisweekIsatinabusinessmeeting,watchingsomeonewhowasfaced

withacriticaldecision.AsIwatched,hepausedandlookedup,likehewasthinkingaboutit—andIalreadyknewhewasgoingtomakeapoorchoice.How?Becausethinkingaboutadecisiondoesn’tmakeithappen.Thinkingisjustthinking.Heknewthisdecisionwascoming.Heneededtohavealreadygoneoveralltheoptionsandconsiderationsbeforethismeetingstarted.Thetimeforthinkingwasover.Itwasdecisiontime—buthewasstillinhishead.Anddecisionsaren’tmadeinthehead.They’remadeinthegut.

Doesthatmeanyou’llalwaysmaketherightdecision?No.ButIbelieveyou’llgetintofarmoretroublefromnottrustingyourgutthanyouwillfromtrustingit.

WhenIfirstgotoutoftheservice,ItookmylifesavingsandploweditintoabusinessideacalledWindZero.Itwasafantasticconcept:atrainingfacility

servingbothmilitaryandlawenforcementpersonnel,deepintheSouthernCaliforniadesert.Myresearchtoldmethattheregionwasdesperateforareliableresourcelikethis.Shootingranges;tracksforcombatanddefensivedrivinginstruction;mockurbanenvironmentsforriot,hostagerescue,andotherhigh-threatscenarios.Twohelopadsandanairstrip.WeevenaddedaGrandPrix–styledoubleracetrack,whichrepsfromhigh-endracecarclubshadtoldmewouldbeinhugedemand.Totalcost,whenthewholeplanwasinforce,wouldcometosomethinglike$100million.

Decisionmade.Offtotheraces(sotospeak).Ifoundtheland,boughtit,raisedafewmillioninseedcapital—myownsavingsplusinvestmentsfromfriends,formerSpecOpsbuddies,andfamilymembers.

Itfailed,catastrophically.Immediatecauseofdeathonthecoroner’sreport,iftherewereone,wouldhavebeen“sustainedpathogenicassaultleadingtosystemfailure,”thepathogeninthiscasebeinganextendednuisancelawsuitbroughtbythelocalSierraClub.Butlikeyourtypicalterminaldiagnosis,thatdoesn’ttelltherealstory.Whatmadeusvulnerabletothatexternalassaultwasaninternalweakness.Ourimmunesystemwascompromised.Ihadbroughtonafewkeypartnerswhoweredestroyingthethingfromtheinside;thatSierraClubsuitjustcamealonglikeahighfeverandfinishedthejob.Therealproblemwasmychoiceofbusinesspartners.Igavepowerandownershiptothewrongpeople—goodpeople,nodoubt,butabadfit.

Andtheworstpartofitwas,Iknewthat.ButIdidn’tlistentomygut.It’scalled“gut”becauseyoufeelitdeepdowninside,andthatmeansit

speaksinavoicethat’snotalwayseasytohear.Sohowdoyouhearit?Samewayyoulearntodoanythingelse.Throughpractice.

Somepeopleseemnativelybetteratthisthanothers,peopleyou’dprobablycall“moreintuitive.”ButIwonderifthey’rereallymoreintuitive,orifit’sjustthattheyhavespentmoretimelisteningtotheirgutandlesstimebeingswayedbytheirthoughts.Ifyouaskme,everyoneofusisnativelyintuitive.Someofusjusthaven’tactedonitmuch.It’slikeasetofmusclesthathaslosttonethroughchronicdisuse.

Theonlywaytobuildyourintuitionisbyexercisingit,whichmeansyou’regoingtohavetomakesomepoordecisions.Thisisagoodthing.Youwanttodothat,becauseit’stheonlywaytobecomeeffectivelyresolute,andnotjustplainstubborn.What’simportantaboutyourpoordecisionsisthatyoufollowthroughandactonthem—otherwiseyou’llneverseetheirtrueresults—andthenreviewthemcarefully,payingcloseattentiontowhenyoudidordidnotlistentoyourgut,andhowthatworkedout.

gut,andhowthatworkedout.TherehavebeenplentyoftimessincethatbusinessfailurewhenIhave

failedtotrustmygut,thoughthankfullynonewithfalloutonsodrasticascale.I’vehademployeesthatmyguttoldmenottohire,butIletmyselfbeoverriddenbyothers’opinionsandhiredthemanyway,onlytoletthemgolateronafterconsiderabletroubleanddamage.I’vemadeinvestmentsthatdidn’tpanout;formedotherbusinesspartnershipsthatdidn’tworkout;hadrelationshipswhereImadepoorchoices.Noneofthosesituationswereeasyorfun—buttheyallhelpedmelearnhowtobetterhearthatquietvoiceinside.

OneofmyfavoriteexecutivedirectivescomesfromGeneralGeorgePatton:“Agoodplanviolentlyexecutednowisbetterthanaperfectplanexecutednextweek.”GeneralPattontrustedhisgut,andyes,itfamouslygothimintroublemorethanonce.Butitalsowonalotofbattles.

KEEPYOUREGOINCHECK

InsortingthroughthewreckageoftheWindZerodebacle,Irealizedsomethingaboutmydecisionmaking.Ihadletmyselfbeledbymyego.

Thisisshockinglyeasytodo.Becausethetruthaboutegois,it’snotabadthing.Astrongegoishealthy.Everyonewhohaseveraccomplishedanythinggreatinthisworld,fromGeorgeWashingtontoSteveJobs,hasbeendrivenbyanoutsizedego—yes,eventhesaintlyones,theSchweitzersandGandhisandMotherTeresas.(It’snocontradictiontohaveabigegoandbehumble.)Theproblemisn’thavingabigego;theproblemcomeswhenyouletthategoleadtheway.

Ifyouwanttobecomeaccomplishedatmakingpowerful,life-changingdecisions,inadditiontotrustingyourgut,youalsoneedtostaysuspiciousofyourego.Becauseyouregoisdrivenbyfeelings,andfeelingsarenotoriouslyuntrustworthy.Thereisahugedifferencebetweenhavingagutintuitivesenseaboutsomething,andhavinganemotionalfeelingaboutit.Partofthewisdomthatcomeswithageandexperienceistheabilitytorecognizethatdistinction.

In2012,afterpickingupthepiecesfrommyfailedfirstbusiness,Istartedanother,SOFREP.com,ablogsitedevotedtonewsanditemsofinterestfortheSpecialOperationscommunity.Withinafewyearsithadgrowntobecomeamultimillion-dollarmediacompanycalledHurricane,withahalfdozenwebsites,asuccessfulradioseries,apublishingarm,andmore.In2014,Ireceivedanofferfromabigmediacompanythatwantedtobuymybusiness—for$15million.

for$15million.Gettingthatofferfeltlikeahugeconfirmation,amonsterpatontheback,a

“Hey,lookhowgreatyou’redoing!”—especiallyaftertheblowthatWindZerofailurehaddealttomyconfidence.I’dbuiltthiscompanyupfromnothinginonlyafewshortyears,andnowsomebigplayerwaswillingtobuyitfrommeformoremoneythanI’deverseeninmylife.Itfeltamazingonaprofessionalandcareer-movelevel.Italsofeltprettydamngoodonthelevelofmywallet.ThisguyhadjustputonthetablefifteenmillionverygoodreasonsIshouldsayyes.

Butitjustdidn’tfeelrightinmygut.Myegosaidyes.Myintuitionsaidno.Iturneditdown.Afewyearslaterthatsamecompanywentthroughahostiletakeoverbya

groupofRussianinvestors,therewasahugeshake-up,andallthebestpeopleleft.IfI’dtakentheofferandwe’dbecomepartofthatcompany,itwouldhavebeenadisaster.Wedidn’tjustdodgeabullet;wedodgedatwo-tonbomb.Chalkoneupfortrustingyourgut.

Letmeaskyou:Facedwithatoughdecision,whichshouldyoulistentomore,logicoremotion?It’satrickquestion:thecorrectansweris“Neitherone.”Emotionalpullandrationalargumentcanbothbeincrediblypowerful—andtheycanbothdrownoutthevoiceofintution,ifyouaren’tlistening.

Inanygivensituationwhereyouhaveanimportantdecisiontomake,practiceseparatingthestrandsoflogicandemotion.It’seasytogettriggeredbysomeaspectofthesituationthatevokesstrongfeelings,eitherpositiveornegative,andtomistakethosefeelingsforgutintuition,thenuselogictojustifythechoiceyou’realreadysecretlywantingtomake.Thisisadecision-makingminefield.

ThismorningItalkedwithaninvestmentbankerI’vebeenindiscussionwithwhowantstoworkwithmycompanyandraisesomecapitalforus.Hechecksalotofboxes;thereareplentyofgreenlights.Butsomethingjustfeelsoff.Idon’tknowwhatitis,Ican’tputmyfingeronit,butsomething’snotright.EvenasIwritethesewords,Ican’ttellyouexactlywhatitis.Butit’sthere.

Ideclined.

TAKEYOURTIME

Iknow,itsoundscounterintuitive.Notwhatyou’dexpectfromaget-it-donetypelikeaformerNavySEAL.Butstrongdecisionmakingisnotthesamethingasbeingheadstrong.Rushingintoadecisionisnotasignofstrengthorconfidence.Typicallyit’sasignofweakness.Ittakesstrengthofcharactertowait.Sometimes,alotofstrengthofcharacter.

Gooddecisionstakewisdom,andwisdomdoesnotrevealitselfonastopwatch.

It’simportanttobeabletoact,andactdecisively.Butthereisaplaceforcircumspection.Don’tletyourselfberushedintomakingimportantdecisions.It’seasytogetsocaughtupinbeingbusythatyoudon’ttaketimetobreathe,tothink,tostepbackfromtheonrushofday-to-daydetailsandfocusonthebigpicture.Themorepluggedintotechnologyweare,themoreimportantitbecomestotaketime,unplug,andslowdown.Thinkofitasthecareandfeedingofyourintuition.

AftergraduatingfromBUD/S,IjoinedaplatoonatSEALTeamThreeandspentthenexteighteenmonthsgoingthroughanextensiveworkupofadditionaltrainingmodules.Attheveryendofthatprocess,aswewerepreparingtodeploytothePersianGulf,weheadedouttoSanClementeIsland,abouteightymilesofftheCaliforniacoast,topassagradedfinaltrainingexercise(FTX),whichourplatoonhadtopassinordertobecertifiedtodeploy.

WeweregettingsomeseriouspressurefromabovetostayuplateandworkharderinpreparingforthisFTX.Iwassurprisedandimpressedathowourplatoonchief,DanGoulart,responded:

“Nofuckingway!Wearenotgettingpressuredintomakingbaddecisionsbecauseoflackofsleep.Myguysaregoingtogetsomeshut-eyeandbewellrestedforthismission.Becausesleepisaweapon.”

Sleepisaweapon.I’veneverforgottenthat.Inthehigh-stakesworldofbusinessinacitylikeNewYork,sleeplessness

andexhaustionareoftenwornwithpride,almostasabadgeofhonor.Ilookatsomeofmyfriendswhobragaboutworkingsevendaysaweek,oftenaroundtheclock.Andyes,there’satimeandaplaceforthatkindofthingwhenyouwanttoaccomplishbiggoalsagainstfiercedeadlines—butyoucan’tdoitcontinuously.Youcan’tmakeburningthecandleatbothendsyournormalmodusoperandi,becauseittakesitstollanddegradesyourabilitytothinkclearly.Whichmeansyoudon’tmakegooddecisions.

WhenyougothroughHellWeekinBUD/S,youfindoutthatyoureallycanstayupforsixdaysstraightwithnosleepifyouhaveto.Butifyoudon’thave

to,you’reahellofalotbetteroff.WhenIlookatmybusinesscolleagues,itstartlesmehowmanyhavenot

agedwell.Somelooktenyearsolderthantheirage!Iseethisallthetime,inmedia,investmentbanking,finance,anysphereofbusiness:peoplejugglingthehoursandminuteslikecrazy,alwaysanglingtosee,HowcanIworkharder,sleepless,cutcorners,getthatedge?Ultimatelythey’redoingtheoppositeofgettinganedge;they’rejustkillingthemselveswithstress.

OneofmymostprizedsecretweaponsinbusinessisthatItakecareofmyself.Ieatahealthydiet.Igetamassageonceaweek.Imeditate.Overthepastfewyears,I’vegoneoutofmywaytotakethetimeregularlytounplugfromeverythingandgivemyselftimetothink.Ihaveaninsanelyfullcalendar;still,sometimesI’llstopeverything,rightinthemiddleoftheday,andjustreadforanhour.Theclarityandperspectivethisprovideshelpsmestayontopofmygame.Ithelpsmemakebetterdecisions.

Ifyouwanttomakeworld-classdecisions,youneedtobefit,healthy,andrested.There’snowayaroundit,noshortcut,no“hack.”

STOPANDASKFORDIRECTIONS

Yes,it’sacliché,butlikemostclichés,there’smorethanakerneloftruthtoit:menarefamousforbeingunwillingtostopandaskfordirections.Why?Ihavenoidea.Tomethatseemsliketheheightofarrogance.Howisitasignofweaknesstoseekoutthevoiceofexperienceandconsultpeoplewhoknowsomethingyoudon’tknow?

Notstoppingfirsttoaskfordirectionsalmostgotmekilledonce.Inearly2005IwaslivinginSanDiego,workingattheSEALsniper

program,andtakingflyinglessonstowardgettingmypilot’slicense.I’djustboughtmyfirstplane,alittleCessna172,fromaguywholivedoutinPeoria,Illinois,whenIhadthisbrilliantidea:mybestfriendGlenDohertyandIshouldgooutthere,getit,andflyitback.GlenwasalsoaSEALandhadjustgottenhispilot’slicense,sothatwasperfect.

ThetwoofusflewouttoIllinois,pickeduptheplane,andgotreadytoflyithome.Itwasdarkandrainyout,withastormsystemonitsway,buthey,wehadinstrumentratings.IfiguredwecouldgetthatpuppyasfarasOklahomathatnight,andmakeittherestofthewaythenextday.

Aswegotuptoleavethepilots’loungeandgoclimbintotheplaneforourtrip,thisoldpilotshambleduptousandsaid,“YoutheboysjustboughtBill’s

trip,thisoldpilotshambleduptousandsaid,“YoutheboysjustboughtBill’soldCessna?”Wetoldhim,yup,thatwasus.“Youfellasreallythinkit’sagoodideatotakethisplaneouttonight?”

Thatwasallweneeded.Welookedateachotherandboththought,Dude,he’sright.Whatwerewethinking?It’sFebruary,it’sstormingout,andwe’remortal.

Wegotahotelroomandgrabbedsomesleep,thengotupthenextmorning,filedaflightplantoOklahoma,andtookoffinthelightofday.Thatlightdidn’tdousmuchgood,though:oncewegotairborneitwastooovercasttoseeathing.Still,wefiguredthatwasnoproblem.Wehadinstruments,andwehadcommunications.Atleast,untilwedidn’t.Iwasworkingthecommsandsoonrealizedthatourradiowasn’tworking.Wecouldhearthetowerfine,buttheyweren’thearingus.Turnedout,wecouldn’ttransmit.Thenwediscoveredthatourglideslopeindicator,whichshowsyourangleonapproachasyougotoland,wasn’tworking,either.Andourwingswereicingover.

Welookedateachotherandlaughed.“Hey,”saidGlen,“atleastwehaveeachother.”It’sgoodtokeepyoursenseofhumorwhendeathisleeringatyoufromjustoverthehorizon.

WemadeaprecisionapproachandmanagedtolandatTulsausingahandheldradio,aportableGarminGPS,andnoglideslopeindicator.Astestsofyourstresscapacitygo,thismighthavebeenrightuptherewithputtingadrowningSeahawkhelicopterdownonthedeckofadestroyeratnight.Glendroppedthatthingdownontherunway,taxiedtoastop,andwebothtookabreath.“Well,thatwasalittlesporty,”saidGlen.

Howwouldthatscenariohaveplayedoutdifferentlyifthatoldpilothadn’tputthatsimplequestiontousinthepilots’lounge?AndifGlenandIhadgoneaheadandtakenoffthenightbefore,ratherthanwaitingformorning,whatarethechancesthatthingswouldhavegonesouth,andImeanallthewaysouth?

Makingbolddecisionsdoesnotmeanthrowingcautiontothewinds.Thereisarazor-sharplinebetweenboldandfoolhardy.Theymaylooksimilar.Theyareopposite.Beingfoolhardyisactingonallpostureandbluff.That’snotbold:that’sjustbeingstupid.Thetrulyboldneverthrowcautiontothewinds;theysteepthemselvesfullyinthewisdomofcaution,andthenmakethedecisiontomoveforwardinthefullawarenessnotonlyofallthedangersinvolvedbutalsooftheirowncapacitiesandlimitations.

SURROUNDYOURSELFWITHWISDOM

Sohowdoyouknowwhenyou’rebeingboldandwhenyou’rejustbeingstupid?Thehardtruthis,sometimesyoudon’t.Whichiswhyyouneedtosurroundyourselfwithpeoplewhoknowyourbusiness,oryourproject,orwhateveritisyou’replanningtodo,betterthanyoudo.Thisincludespeoplewhounderstandlifebetterthanyoudo,andyes,thereareplentyofpeoplewhofitthatcategory.Infact,justacknowledgingthatisagreatstepinasmartdirection.

AsIsaid,myfirstbusinessendedindisaster,andnotlisteningtomygutwasonepartofwhattookitoverthecliff.Anotherbigfactorwasmyowninexperience.I’velearnedfromboththosemistakes.Mysecondbusinesshasflourished.SinceIturneddownthat$15millionofferithascontinuedtogrow;todayit’svaluedattentimesthatnumber.AndIcreditthebetterpartofthatsuccesstothefactthatI’veputalotofenergyandfocusintobuildingrelationshipswithpeoplewhohavemoreexperiencethanIdo,inallsortsofareas.

Whentheytalk,Ilisten.Thisisnotalwayseasyandnotalwayscomfortable.WhenIgettogether

withmyfriendNickGanju,cofounderofZocdoc,IknowIhavetowatchwhatIsay,becausehewillcallbullshitonmeimmediately.Nickissmartashellandtotallyunfiltered;hejustcallsitlikeheseesit,regardlessofsocialniceties.Ifhe’satadinnerpartyandhethinksthehostisactinglikeafool,he’llcomerightoutandsayso.Whichmakessomepeopleshiftintheirchairsandlookliketheywishtheyweresomewhereelse—butforme,it’soneofthereasonsIlovehim.Ihavetobeonmygame,andIlikethat.IfI’mgoingtoengageinaconversationwithNick,itforcesmetoputmythoughtstogether.Ican’tgoinhalf-cockedandbluffmywaythroughit.

WhenIstartedHurricanein2012,IwaslivingatLakeTahoe,Nevada.Withinafewyears,IrealizedthatifIwantedtobuildamediabusinessIneededtobeinNewYorkCity,soinearly2015Ipickedupandmoved.WhenIgothere,IappliedtojoinabusinesspeernetworkcalledEntrepreneurs’Organization(EO),toputmyselfinanenvironmentoflearningandentrepreneurship.ImetpeoplelikeSolomonChoi,founderof16Handles,RyanZagata,founderofBrooklynBicycleCompany,andCurtisThornhill,founderofAptMarketing.Theyhavenotonlyhelpedmeupmygame,they’vealsosavedmefromsomedumbmoves.

JoiningEOwasoneofthebestbusinessdecisionsI’veevermade.Thegroupputsonexcellenteventswithamazingspeakers,buttomeitsgreatestvaluehas

comefrombeingpartofoneofitsforums:agroupofsevenoreightentrepreneurswhomeetmonthlytoreportinandupdateoneanotheronwhat’sgoingonintheircareers.Peercoachingatitsbest.

Mynetworkstartedgrowing,andImadeanefforttoaimitsgrowthatanupwardangle,notadownwardone,withpeoplewhohadcompetenciesIhadn’tyetdevelopedorwhowereperformingatahigherlevelthanIwas.Iknewthatifyouwanttofeedyourego,yousurroundyourselfwithpeoplewholookuptoyou—butifyouwanttofeedyourgrowth,yousurroundyourselfwithpeoplewhomyoulookupto.

Masteringfearstartswithadecision.Whichmeansthat,ifyouaregoingtomasteryourfearandthusbecomemasterofyourlife,youneedtobecomeamasterdecisionmaker.ThesinglegreateststrategyIknowoffordoingthatistocurateyourenvironment.Makeconsciouschoicesinwhatyoureadandwhatmediayouabsorb—andespeciallyinthepeopleyouspendtimewith.

Steepyourselfintheingredientsofwisdom.Intime,greatdecisionmakingwillbecomesecondnature.

PRACTICEPOINTS

Thepathtomasteringfearstartswithamomentofdecision—apersonalcommitmenttotakeaction,evenifyoudon’tknowwhatthatactionisorhowyou’regoingtotakeit.Couragecomesoutofthedecision,nottheotherwayaround.Makeaconsciouschoicetobesomeonewhomakesstrongdecisions.Practicebeingdecisive.Decidetodecide.

Learntotrustyourgut.Practiceseparatingthestrandsoffeelingsandlogic;listentoboth,butdon’trelyoneitherone.Staysuspiciousofego.Trustyourgut.

Takeyourtime.Don’tletyourselfberushedintoimportantdecisions.Giveyourselfroomtobreatheandtapintoyourownwisdom.Ifnecessary,takeastepbackandunplug.Thinkofitasthecareandfeedingofyourdecision-makingcapacity.

Onceyoumakeadecision,followthroughandactonitdecisively.Don’tsecond-guessyourself.

Afteryoutakeactiononyourdecision,taketimetositdownandexaminehowyoumadethedecisionandwhathappenedasaresult.Whatwasyourguttellingyou?Didyoufollowitornot?Howdidthatworkout?Orwereyouswayedbyemotionalpullorrationalargument?Youcan’tavoidmakingpoordecisions,butyoucanusethemtohoneyourdecision-makingskillsanddeepenyourabilitytotrustyourgutinthefuture.

Curateyourenvironment.Takeaninventoryofyourenvironment,includingwhatyoureadandwhatmediayouconsume,includingmassmediaandsocialmedia.Doesitgenuinelyinformyou?Doesitchallengeyou,inspireyou,stretchyou?

Takeaninventoryofthepeopleyouspendtimewith.Dotheybuildyourknowledge,yourconfidence,andyourabilities?Dotheystretchyou?Areyousurroundingyourselfwithexcellence,knowledge,andwisdom?

Seekouttheperspectivesofthosewithgreaterexperienceineveryareawhereyouarechallengingyourself,aswellasgreaterlifeexperienceingeneral.Cultivateacircleofcolleagues,mentors,andadviserswhochallengeyoutoraiseyourgame.

O

2

REHEARSAL

Alifetimeoftrainingforjusttenseconds.—JESSEOWENS,

four-timeOlympicgoldmedalist,ontheOlympics

NEEVENINGINApril2009IfoundmyselfinatinystudioroominSanDiegostaringintotheeyeofaTVcamera.Itwasafewdaysafterateamofthree

NavySEALsnipershadrescuedCaptainRichardPhillipsoftheMaerskAlabama,andbecauseI’dhelpeddesignthesnipercoursethattheseguyshadgonethrough,CNNwantedtointerviewmeonAC-360.Talkaboutfearofpublicspeaking.ItwasthefirsttimeI’deverbeenonlivetelevision,andIwasabouttotalktothreemillionpeople.

WhenIlookbackatthat2009footagenowIhavetolaugh,seeinghowstiffanduncomfortableIwas.Ididokay,butifyoulookclose,youcanseetheterrorinmyeyes.Still,Ihadanadvantage.I’dtrained.

PeoplewhodothiskindofthingallthetimeusuallygothroughextensivemediatrainingtopreparethemforliveTV.Ihadn’tdoneanyofthat,butbackin2002,aftercominghomefromAfghanistan,Ihadputmyselfthroughafour-weekinstructortrainingcourseofferedbythenavy.Itwasanilluminatingexperience.Theydidn’tsimplystandusupinfrontoftheroomtoteachtherestofthegroup,theyalsovideotapedusdoingit,andwehadtowatchourselvesonreplay,overandoveragain,dissectingallthegood,thebad,andtheugly.Especiallytheugly.

Thefearofpublicspeakingisapuzzle.Whatisitthatwe’resoafraidof?It’snotlikethefearofflyingorofheights.Aplanecrashorafallfromevenamodestheightcankillyou.Butgettinguponastageandtalkingtopeople...what’stheworstthatcouldhappen?Justthis:youcouldmakeyourselflooklikeatotalidiot,infrontofotherpeople.

Wemadeourselveslookliketotalidiots,infrontofotherpeople.

Wemadeourselveslookliketotalidiots,infrontofotherpeople.Watchingthatfirstteachingfootagewasbeyondembarrassing.Itwasbrutal.

Wewent“Um”and“Uh”and“Y’know”athousandtimes,tenthousandtimes.Westumbledoverwords,spokeinnonsentences,scratchedourballs,pickedournoses,andlookedlikejustaboutthestupidesthumanbeingsonearth.

Yetwatchingthisfootageoverandoverdidnotsimplyrubournosesinourownperformances;italsogotusgradually,slightly,marginallymorecomfortablewiththeideaofdoingwhatweweredoing.ItwasthepublicspeakingequivalentofhavingKamalputhisfaceinthewaterandbreatheout.Itstretchedandredefinedtheboundariesofourcomfortzones.BythetimeIwasonCNNlivetalkingwithChristianeAmanpourinfrontofthreemillionpeople,wasInervous?Hell,yeah.ButIwasprepared.I’dgonethroughenoughrehearsalthatthefeardidn’tparalyzeme.

Instead,itsharpenedme.That’sthepowerofrehearsal.You’veprobablyheardthissayingyourwholelife:“Practicemakesperfect.”

Nottrue.Notevenclose.Andthisisimportant,becauseyouneedtoknowthatonceyousignthecheck,resigntheposition,buythehouse,walktothealtar,orwhatevertheactisthatcommitsyoutoacertainpath,thingswillnotgoaccordingtoplan.IfyoubelievethatBSaboutpracticemakingperfect,thenyou’llbetakencompletelybysurprisewhenyoulaunchintoactionandperfectionisnowhereinsight.

Here’sanothersaying,andthisoneisprettyaccurate:“Nobattleplansurvivesfirstcontactwiththeenemy.”IalsolikeMikeTyson’sversion:“Everyonehasaplantilltheygetpunchedinthemouth.”Thereisnotrainingthatcanprepareyoufortherealityofwar,norehearsalthatcanfullyprepareyoufortherealityofstartingyourownbusiness,nopracticethatwillevertakeawaytheice-coldbathoffearthatpoursoveryouwhenyouwalkoutonstage,stepuptothemicrophone,orfacethecamera.Whateveritisyoufear,makenomistake:whenitcomestimetoactuallyjumpoffthecliff,youarejumpingoffacliff,withalltheterrorthatcomeswithit.Notrainingcanchangethat.

Whatitcanchangeiswhatyoudowiththeelectricchargethatmomentofterrorproduces.

Practicedoesnotcreateperfection.Whatitcreatesiscompetence.Andthatcanmakethecriticaldifference.Competencebreedsconfidence.Nottheswaggeroffalseconfidence;thequietinnerconfidencebornofknowinginyourbones,Igotthis.

WhenourcrewoffourrealizedourchopperwasplungingintotheIndian

WhenourcrewoffourrealizedourchopperwasplungingintotheIndianOcean,itwasn’tourcopilot’spresenceofmindalonethatsavedus.Itwasthat,plushiscompetence.Bothingredientswerecrucial.Thefactthathedidn’tfreakout,thatinthatinstanthemasteredhisfearinsteadofallowingittomasterhim,openedafractionalgapofspacewithinwhichhecouldoperate—andinthatsliverofspacehistrainingkickedin.Hecouldhavehadallthepresenceofmindintheworld,thecalmcoolnessofBogartcrossedwiththeequanimityofaZenmonk,butifhehadn’thadthoselongmonthsofrehearsalandpreparationbehindhim,itwouldn’thavedoneanyofusalickofgood.

Practicedoesnotmakeyouimpervioustofear;itgivesyouthetoolstofallbackoninthatmomentofmaximumstress.Adequaterehearsalbuildsinafunctionalalternativetopanic.

MASTERITFIRSTINYOURMIND

Inthe“Roadmap”ImentionedthementalmanagementprogrammySEALteammateEricDavisandIbroughttotheNavalSpecialWarfaresniperprogram.Letmetellyouaboutoneofourmainsourcesofinspiration,anOlympicshooternamedLannyBassham.

Lannywasachildprodigyontherifle.Whenhewenttoshootinthe1972OlympicsinMunichatagetwenty-five,hewasalreadytheyoungestworldchampioninthesportandodds-onfavoritetotakethegold.Atthelastminute,hechoked,andtookthesilvermedalinstead.Thatexperiencesethimonaquesttounderstandtheanatomyofreliable,consistent,gold-medalperformance.

TwoyearslaterLannymetanavycommandernamedJackFelloweswho’dbeenshotdownoverVietnamandspentmorethansixgruelingyearsinaPOWcampthere,muchofthattimeinatinycellwherehecouldbarelymove.Whileincarcerated,heoccupiedhismindbyimprovinghisgolfgameinhishead,visualizingeverygreen,everystroke,everyputt.WhenhewasreleasedandflownbacktotheUnitedStates,Fellowesgotstraightontoagolfcourseandshotparonalleighteenholes—betterbyfarthanhe’deverdonebefore.Hisexperiencewasnotunique;therearequiteafewdocumentedcasesofVietnamPOWswhopouredtheirenergiesintomentalrehearsal,andstudieshavefoundsimilarlyastonishingresultsinsubjectspracticingbasketballshotsandotherphysicalactivities,purelyintheirminds.

LannyspentthenexttwoyearsinterviewingnearlyahundredOlympicgoldmedalistsandcoaches,deconstructingeverythingtheydidandexactlyhowtheydidit.In1976hewasbackattheOlympics,andthistimehetookgold.Hewent

didit.In1976hewasbackattheOlympics,andthistimehetookgold.Hewentontodominatethefieldforyears,winningtwenty-twoworldindividualandteamtitlesandsettingfourworldrecords.Healsocodifiedeverythinghe’dlearnedintoasystemthathehassincetaughttocoachesandathletesallovertheworld.

WhenEricandIwereredesigningtheSEALsnipercourse,Lannycameouttotalktousandsharehisapproach.Itwasphenomenallyeffective.Infact,asI’mwritingthischapterIjustbroughtLannyouttoNewYorktospendadaywithmyteamatHurricaneMedia—becausegold-medalperformanceisjustasimportantinbusinessasitisonthebattlefieldandontheOlympicfield.

Effectiverehearsal,Lannytaughtus,startsinyourmind.Thisisoneoftheprimesecretstomasteringthefearofpublicspeaking:seeyourselfonthestage,vividlyenoughthatyouheartherustlingofpeopleshiftingintheirseatsandfeelyourpalmsgoingclammy—pictureitvividlyenoughthatyoufeelthefear—andthenusethatfeartodeliverthemostelectrifyingpresentation(inyourmind,thatis)thatthosepeoplehaveeverheard.Relishthesenseofmasteryandpresence,thesenseoffulfillmentandsatisfactionatseeingyourthoughtslandintheirmindsandenrichtheirlives.Mostofall,walkyourselfthroughthewords,makingeverypointyouwanttomakewithprecision.

Thatlastiscrucial:whenyougothroughyourmentalrehearsal,focusondoingitright.Iknow,thatsoundsobvious.Whenit’s“only”happeninginyourmind,though,it’seasytobesloppyandjustkindofslidethroughit.Bigmistake.Doingitinyourminddoesn’tmeanthathowyoudoitdoesn’tmatter.Itmattersevenmore.Ifyou’regoingoversomethinginyourmindinacasual,impreciseway,thenyou’retrainingyourselftodoitwrong.Mentalrehearsaltakesjustasmuchdisciplineasphysical,tangiblerehearsal.Maybeevenmore.

Andbytheway,thisapproachisn’tjustapracticetechniqueforshooting,orforwhenyouhaveaspeechtodeliver,oranyotherspecificskilltolearn.Thisappliestohowyouframeanddeliveryourlife.Itappliestoeverythingyoudothroughoutyoureverywakingday.Tohowyouprepareandcoachyourselftobehaveandperforminyourbusinessdealings,inyourrelationships,inyourfinances,inyourhealthandfitness,inyourfriendships—ineverything.

Becausethefactis,you’realreadypracticingmentalrehearsal.Everyday.Constantly.Theonlyquestionis,exactlywhatareyourehearsing?

Herearethreekeystepsyoucanusetomasterthepracticeofmentalrehearsal,asappliedtoanyandallareasofyourlife.

1.LISTEN.Payattentiontoyourthoughts.Startconsciouslynoticingyourinnermonologueandbecomingawareofwhatthevoiceinyourheadissaying.(Everyonehasone.)Whenyou’realone,ifpossible,speakthosethoughtsoutloud,withoutfilteringoreditingthem.Whatever’sgoingoninthere,justvocalizeit,letitspill.Youmaybestartledatwhatyouhear.

Ifyounoticeyourthoughtsgettingintoanegativespincycle,goingoverandoverthatinjustice,thatpersonwhosaidsomethingbadaboutyou,thatunfairboss,thatargumentyouhadwithyourspouse/boyfriend/girlfriendandwhatyoushouldhavesaid...catchyourself—andstop.Becausehere’swhatishappening:You’rerehearsingtheproblem.Practicinghowtomakesureitgoeswrong.Perfectingthedamage.JustlikeBobbyatbat,drowninghimselfinterrorandhumiliationashetellshimself,“Don’tstrikeout!Yegods,whateveryoudo,don’tstrikeout!”—andintheprocesssteepinghimselfinthedarkartsofthestrikeout.

2.REFRAME.Whenyoucatchyourselfinanegativespin,takethetimetosortthroughandfigureoutwhatyouwouldliketobethinking.JustlikereframingBobby’sfocusbygivinghimpositivelanguage—like“Keepyoureyeontheball,steadyyourbreath,waitforanicefatonetocomerightovertheplate”—reframeyourownthoughtstostartmentallyrehearsingwhatyouwanttohavehappen,notwhatyou’reafraidmighthappenorregretalreadyhappened.

3.FOCUS.Itisn’tenoughsimplytoreframefromanegativeorientationtoapositiveone.Onceyou’vegotyourpositiveframe,youalsohavetosharpenthatpicture,honethosethoughtslikearazor,sothattheysendaclearandunambiguousmessage.

Whenyourthoughtsarescattered,theydon’thavemuchimpact,negativeorpositive.Theyarelikediffusedlight.Thisishowmostpeoplewanderthroughtheirday,goingaboutwhatevertaskisathandastheyshuffletheirinnerdeckofrandomthoughts.Oftenthesearepredominantlynegativethoughts,thoughtheremaybeplentyofvaguelypositiveonesmixedinthere,too.Butthere’snothingintentionalthere.Typicallynoneofthesejumbledthoughtsaresharpenoughtogenerateaclearimage.Howcouldtheypossiblyyieldaclearresult?

Instead,focusyourthoughtslikealaser.Identifythespecificsequence

Instead,focusyourthoughtslikealaser.Identifythespecificsequenceofevents,actions,situationsthatyouwanttoputintoplayinyourlife,thenwalkyourselfthroughthatsequenceinyourmind,asconcretelyandclearlyasyoucan.

Rinseandrepeat.

GETTHECOCKPITVIEW

WhenItakefriendsflyingupoverManhattan,Iwanttomakesuretheyhaveagoodexperience.Asapilot,I’mcompletelyprepared—butIalsowanttomakesurethataspassengers,they’recompletelyprepared,too.Sothemostimportantpartoftheexperiencehappensbeforeweeverleavetheground.Wedon’tjustbuckleinandtakeoff.First,Igetmypassengerintheseatnexttome(thetwoseatsinmyRV-6Aaresidebyside,notfrontandback)andshowthemeverything.

“Look,”Isay,“I’mgoingtoexplaineverythingbeforewedoit.”Ishowthemwhatgoesintothepreflight:howIcheckmyvariousgaugesandwhattheyeachdo,howIgothroughmyequipment,howItalkontheradiotothetower.AfterIfinishthatwalk-throughthey’llalwayssay,“Wow,Ifeelsocomfortablenow.”They’renotjustbeingstuckinthebackofthetube,wherethey’llmakeupallsortsoffrighteningscenariosintheirheads.They’reupinthecockpit,seeingexactlywhat’sgoingon.Basically,I’mgivingthemtheirfirstflightlesson.

Icallthisgettingthecockpitview.IntheSEALsIlearnedthatthereweretwotypesofcorpsman,ormedic.One

typewouldexplainexactlywhatwashappening,whathewasabouttodo,andwhy.MybestfriendGlenwaslikethat.Theothertypewouldjustjamtheneedleinandtellyoutoshutupandholdstill.Strictlyspeaking,theybothgotthejobdone.Buttheexperiencewasdifferent.

Inredesigningoursnipercourse,EricandIfollowedthatshow-them-firstphilosophy.Aspartofourcourseoverhaul,weimplementedaclassroommodulethatgaveourstudentsacomprehensiveunderstandingofthescienceofballistics—thephysicsofhowaprojectilemovesthroughspace—priortogettingthemoutontotherange.Beforetheypulledtheirfirsttrigger,theyunderstoodexactlywhatwasgoingtohappenwhentheydid.

Cockpitview.

ThisisexactlywhatIdidwithKamalinourfirstswimminglesson.Istartedbywalkinghimthroughthewholeprocessofsubmerginghisheadandthenbreathingout—beforewedidit.Iexplainedhowhislungsactedasabuoyancycompensator,demonstratingitmyself,sohewouldunderstandthephysicsofwhatwewereabouttodobeforewestarteddoingit.

Peoplesay“Familiaritybreedscontempt,”butinmyexperiencethat’sexactlybackward.It’scompletelackoffamiliaritythatbreedscontempt,suspicion—andfear.ButI’lltellyouwhatfamiliaritydoesbreed:competenceandconfidence.Whichiswhyfamiliarityisthewarrior’ssecretsauce,theantidotetofear.

Wheneveryoutakeonanythingnew,especiallyanythingscaryorintimidating,it’sessentialtofirstgetthatbigpicture,soyoucanseeclearlywhat’sabouttohappen,andthatit’sprobablyquitedifferentfrom—andnotnearlyasfrighteningas—whateveryou’reexpecting.

FIRST,STAYINYOURCOMFORTZONE

Ithasalwaysstruckmethatwhenpeoplesaythatinordertoachievegreatthingsyouhaveto“getoutofyourcomfortzone,”thisisbasicbullshit.It’slikesaying,“Justdoit.”Well,great,butwhatifyoucan’t“justdoit”?Icanpicturehoweffectivethatsnipertrainingprogramwouldbe:“Here’sarifle,there’sthetargetwayoverthere,okay?Now,justdoit.”

Theproblemwith“getoutofyourcomfortzone”isthatit’satacticthatdoesn’taddressthenatureoftheproblem.It’sanonsolution,likesaying,“Oh,you’reafraidtojump?Well,juststopbeingafraid.”Nothelpful.

Theproblemisthatgoingoutsideyourcomfortzonegoesagainstyournature.There’sareasonthatcomfortzoneisthere:self-protectionandself-preservation.Peopletalkaboutyour“comfortzone”asifitwereabadthing,ameasureofweaknessorlaziness.That’sjuststupid.Everyphenomenoninnatureisdesignedwithamultiplicityofcomfortzones.Yourbodyworksbestatabout98.6degreesFahrenheit.Youroptimumfunctioningoccurswhenyougetroughlyeighthoursofsleep.It’sprobablyagoodideatousethatmilkinyourfridgebeforeitsexpirationdate.(Doesanyonethinkwaitinganextramonthandthendrinkingthatmilkisagoodideabecauseyou’repushingit“outsideitscomfortzone”?)

Itmighthelptoredefinetheconceptwithadifferentterm:competencezone.

Thekeytoeffectiverehearsalistoidentifytheboundariesanddefinitionsofyourcurrentzoneofcompetence,thenapplyrepetitionandrefinementtodeepen,strengthen,andextendthoseboundariesanddefinitions.

Here’sanexample.Sayyou’reapianistorguitarplayerandyouneedtolearnadifficultpassagethatgoessuperfast.There’sarightwayandawrongwaytopracticeit.Youcanplayitoverandoverasfastaspossible,screwingupthenotesrightandleft,andhopethatthroughrepetitionyou’llstartgettingmoreofitright.Oryoucanstartoutplayingitslowly,witheverynotecorrect,andgraduallypickupyourtempoovertime.

Guesswhichoneworks.Playingthepassageslowlyiswithinyourcurrentzoneofcompetence.So

that’swhereyoustart.Playingthethinglikelightningbutfuckingituproyallyasyougowillonlytrainyoutofuckituproyally.Andleaveyoufrustratedintheprocess.Becauseyou’redivingwayoutsideyourzoneofcompetence.

Thesamethingappliestoassemblingarifle.Youlearnthestepsperfectlyataspeedyoucanfollow.Onceyouhavethemdown,then—andonlythen—youstartrampingupthespeed.

Andit’snotjustaboutspeed.Sometimesit’saboutscale.Tellingyourstoryorgivingyourtalktoafewfriends,oneatatime,isagreatwaytoworkoutthekinksbeforetakingthestage.Samewithputtinganideaintoablogpostbeforesubmittingittoapublisher.

MyfriendMattMeekerhadthisideaforamonthlyboxoftreatsandtoysfordogs.Nevermeantittobemorethanalittlesideproject.AfriendworkeditupasamockwebsiteandputitonMatt’sphone,andMattshowedittoafewfriends.Withinafewmonthsnearlyfiftypeoplehadsignedontotheidea.Theproductdidn’texistyet,andneitherdidthecompany,butMatthadrehearsedtheideaonanintimatescale—anditworked.TodayBark&Co.isa$100million–plusbusinessthathasshippedmorethantenmillionBarkBoxes.

Getitrightonasmallscale,andyou’vegotamuchbetterchanceoftakingitbig—justlikegettingitrightataslowtempoiswhatittakestoplayitfast.

There’sacriticalaspecttothatspeakertrainingcourseItookin2002thatIdidn’tmentionyet.Thatfirsttalkwedid,theonethatwethendissectedonvideotape?Itwasonlyfiveminuteslong.Thepointofthecoursewastoprepareustoteachcompleteclasses,whichmightlastforty-fiveminutesoranhour,orevenlonger.Yettheystarteduseachwithafive-minutetalk.Whysoshort?

Comfortzone.

Ihaveafriend,NeilAmonson,whoservedasanairforcecombatcontroller.WhenmySEALplatoonwasinAfghanistan,weworkedsidebysidewithCombatControlTeams(CCTs)andIadmiredthehelloutofthem.YouknowtheoldlineaboutGingerRogers,thatshecoulddoeverythingFredAstairedid,onlybackwardandinhighheels?CCTsarelikethat.(Minustheheels.)TheygointocombatwithSEALsandGreenBerets,readyandabletogoanywhereanddojustaboutanything.Inmanyways,theseguysaretheunsungheroesoftheSpecialOperationscommunity.

DuringthecourseofNeil’stwoyearsofCCTtraining,justlikeanySEALcandidateinBUD/S,hehadtogothroughscubaschool,landnavigation/survival,andHALO(highaltitude/lowopening)jumpschool—andwhenhehitthatlast,hislifechanged.Neilfellinlove.Idon’tmeanwithanotherperson.Hefellinlovewithflyingthroughtheair.Hequitallhisotherhobbiesandthrewhimselfintoskydiving.He’sbeenafull-timeskydivereversince.

Infact,helovesanythingthathastodowithbeingupintheair—skydiving,paragliding,pilotingaplane,younameit.HeevenspentadecadeofhislifeBASEjumping—themostextreme,dangerous,terrifyingofextremesports.Afterthreeofthesport’stopflyersdiedinasingleaccidentin2014,NeilhunguphisBASEjumpinghat,buthecontinuestospendasmuchtimeintheairaspossible.“IfIgotwoweekswithoutbeingupintheair,”hesays,“Istartgettingalittleantsy.Ialwaysthinksomethingelseisbotheringme,thatthere’ssomeotherissuegoingoninmylife—andthenI’llsuddenlyrealize,‘Oh,right!Ijustneedtobebackintheairagain.’”

Youmightbethinking,“Okay,butwhyareyoutellingmethis?”Becausehere’sthepartIdidn’ttellyouyet:

NeilAmonsonisafraidofheights.Ishityounot.Theguywhojoinedtheairforcetobecomeacombat

controller,whofellinlovewithskydiving,whospentadecadeasaBASEjumper,andwhotothisdayishappiestwhenflyingthroughtheair,isafraidofheights.Notwas.Is.

SohowthehelldidhegetthroughHALO—andwhatmadehimgointotheairforceinthefirstplace,letalonedevotehislifetoskydivingandflying?

Neilanswerswithasingleword:“Training.”Itwasthatincrediblythorough,systematic,step-by-steptrainingthatnobody

doesbetterthanthemilitary.WhenNeilandhisclassmateswentthroughHALOschool,theystartedoutbyspendingasolidweekworkinginawindtunnelinNorthCarolina.Hourafterhour,fordaysonend,Neilpracticedskydivingjusta

NorthCarolina.Hourafterhour,fordaysonend,Neilpracticedskydivingjustafewfeetoffthefloorinthatindoorwindtunneluntilheknew,fromaphysiologicalstandpoint,exactlywhatskydivingfeltlikeineverypartofhisbody.(Cockpitview,big-time.)Bythetimeheleftthewindtunnelheknewdowntothelevelofmusclememoryexactlyhowtocontrolhisbodyinfreefall.Theonlythinghehadn’tdoneyetwasjumpoutofaplanetodothesamethingintheopenair.

“ThisissomethingIreallylikeaboutthemilitary,”saysNeil.“Forthemostpart,theyhavethatcrawl-walk-runwayofteachingthings.”

Thecrawlingpartwastheweekinthewindtunnel.Thewalkingpartwasgoingthroughthesamemovesaftersteppingoutofanairplane.Andtherunning?Doingthesamethingwithfullcombatequipment,innightjumpsathighaltitudeswhilewearinganoxygenmask,withotherpeople,allatafastpace.

Crawl,walk,run.Neilneverwentonrollercoastersasakid,becauseheknewitwouldfeel

totallyoutofhiscontrol.Buttrainingtobeapilotdidn’tfreakhimoutatall.Heknewtheyweregoingtotrainhimtobeincontrolofthisthing.Afterall,youcan’tspell“combatcontroller”withouttheword“control.”

Whichisanothergreattermfor“comfortzone”—it’snotonlyyourzoneofcompetence,it’salsoyourzoneofcontrol.

That’swhatKamalexperiencedinthosefirstfewlessonsintheNYACpool:heneverfeltthingsweregettingoutofcontrol.

THENSTRETCHIT

Ofcourse,you’llnevergetanywherebysimplysittingthereinyourcomfortzone.Thekeytoasuccessfulpracticestrategyistotakeyourselffromcrawl,towalk,torun—withoutanysacrificeofaccuracyalongtheway.

Backtothatexampleofthemusicianpracticingthedifficultpassage.AsIsaid,firstyoupracticeitslowly,gettingeverynoteright,untilyouhaveitdownpat.Butthenyouhavetospeeditup—graduallyatfirst,thenpushingyourselftothepointwhereyou’replayingthethingasfastasyoupossiblycan...andthenalittlefaster.

Yousoonnoticeyou’redroppingafewnotes,messingupthepassagehereandthere.Noproblem;slowitdownagain.Geteverynoteright.Accuracyisparamount.Thenaccelerateoncemore.Pushtothelimitsofwhatyoucando—andthenpushalittlefurther.

andthenpushalittlefurther.You’renotforcingyourselfoutsidetheparametersofyourcompetence—

you’remagnifyingthoseparameters.Notsteppingoutofyourcomfortzone,butstretchingit,enlargingitsboundaries.

IlearnedthisinBUD/S,goingthroughaprocesswecheerfullyreferredtoastorture.Itwasn’t,ofcourse.Thatwasjustthetermwewouldthrowaroundtodescribewhatourinstructorsputusthrough.Inreality,whattheyweredoingwastheoppositeoftorture.Thepointofactualtortureistotakeyoucompletelyandemphaticallyoutsideyourcomfortzone,withnohopeofgettingbackinunlessanduntilyoucomplywiththetorturer’sdemands.ThepointofSpecOpstrainingistostretchthatzonesothatyoucantolerateyourcircumstanceswithequanimityevenunderthemostextremeconditions.

Tortureaimstobreakyou.Trainingaimstobuildyousothatnothingcanbreakyou.

ItprobablysoundsstrangetotalkaboutBUD/Sinthecontextofyour“comfortzone.”Ifthereisanyexperienceintheworldthatisasuncomfortableasitishumanlypossibletobe,BUD/Swouldhavetobeit.Butlookatwhatthey’rereallydoing.Whenyouseethoseguysrunningalongthesandwiththatmassivelogontheirshoulders,whatyou’rewatchingisagroupofpeoplewhoareexperiencingaprofoundshiftintheirdefinitionofnormal.Thistakesskill,knowinghowtotraintothelimitsbutnotbeyond.PartofwhatmakesSEALtrainingsoeffectiveisthattheinstructorshaveafinelytunedabilitytoobserveandassess.Theyarewatchingeverymomenttoseewhenstretchisabouttoturnintosnap.Theirgoalisnotforyoutodamageyourself,buttotakeyourselfrightuptotheedgeofdamage.

Thisisoneofthekeystoeffectivepractice:gettingafeelforhowfartopushyourself.Beyondthatpushpointitbecomescounterproductive.Shortofthatpoint,you’renotstretching.

MyfriendCurtisThornhill,founderofAptMarketing,isageniusatdigitalmarketing.Healsohappenstobeacommittedadventurerwithalifelongpassionfortravelandtheoutdoors.Whenafriendcalledin2007andsaid,“Hey,I’mgoingonatourofAfrica,youwanttoclimbKilimanjaro?”hereplied,“Sure.”Twoweekslater,thetwowereonaplanetoAfrica.

Curtis’sfriendchoseoneofthemostdifficultroutesup,soittookthemfivedays.Astheynearedthesummit,theoxygenthinnedandthinnedandtheweathergotcolderandcolder.Curtishadn’tsleptmuch,andbythefourthdayhe’drunoutofwaterpurificationtablets,soalongwithhismountingexhaustion,

hewasstartingtogetdehydrated.Inthemiddleofthenightondayfour,hereachedhislimits.Hecouldnotgoevenonestepfarther.

Justtakeonemorestep,hetoldhimself.That’sall.Justone.Hetookasinglestep.Justone.Thenhewentthroughthesameprocessalloveragain:knewhecouldn’tgo

anyfarther,buttoldhimselfthesamethinganyway:Justonemorestep.Andtookanotherstep.

Thenonemore.There’sapopularsayingonKilimanjaro:“Pole,pole”(pronouncedpolay,

polay),whichisSwahilifor“slowly,slowly.”Hewasgoingslowly,slowly,allright,eachstephalfthenormallength,barelymovingatall.SuddenlyCurtisbeganviolentlythrowingup,untilitseemedasifhewereturninginsideout.Nowhefeltevenworse.Hedidn’tseehowhecouldpossiblymanageevenoneofthosefeeblehalfsteps.

Afewlongminuteswentby.Finallyhethought,perhapshecouldpushalittlefarther,justonemorehalf

step.Polay,polay.Theyeventuallymanagedtosummit,andCurtishadhisfirstmountaineering

victoryunderhisbelt,anexperiencethatlefthimwithasenseofwhatitmeanstokeepmovingwhenyouhavenootheroption,andofhowpowerfulthemindcanbeinthefaceofseeminglyimpossiblelimits.

Crawl,walk,run—anddotheimpossible.

PREPAREMORETHANYOUNEED

Thenexttimeyouwatchagreatmovie,thinkaboutthis:foreveryminuteofscreentimeyou’reseeing,thedirectorshotatleasttwentyminutesheorsheneverused.That’smorethanfortyhours—nearlytwowholecontinuousdays—offootage,atthecostofmillionsofdollars,thatnoonewilleversee.Whatawaste,yousay?Notatall.It’sstandardoperatingprocedure.That’swhatittakestoproduceagreatmovie.

Greatperformanceinanydomainislikethat.Youpreparealotmorethanyouneed.Alotmore.Inthecourseofoneseasonanoaktreewilldropthousandsofacorns.Why?Allittakestosafelyreproduceitselfandcontinuetheoakspeciesisasingleacorn.Sowhatareallthoseothers?Roughdrafts.

Greatrehearsalislikethat.Youdon’tprepareforwhatwillhappen.Youprepareforthehundredthingsthatcouldhappenbutprobablyneverwill.Youdon’tpracticewhatyouexpecttodo.Youpracticeforthatandtentimesmore,fiftytimesmore.

Inthespringof2016IflewtoFortLauderdaletomeetupwithmyoldflightinstructor,JohnCarey.I’djustboughtalittleplane,asingle-engineFujiLM2,offanoldmarineaviator.ItwasbuiltbytheJapaneseinthefiftiesasanaerobaticmilitarytrainer,basedontheBeechcraftT-34,theoriginalsingle-engine,two-seatversion.WhichmeansthisthingwasservingintheJapanesedefenseforcesadecadeandahalfbeforeIwasborn.Johnhadagreedtojoinmeonitsmaidenvoyage,takingitdowntoMiamiandfromtheretoPuertoRico,whereI’dbehangaringit.

I’veknownJohnformorethanadecade,eversincemydaysinthemilitarywhenIwasgettingmypilot’slicenseandhewasmyflightinstructor.Johnisaclassicold-schoolaviationmentor,weatheredface,scratchyvoicethatsoundslikeithasbarkedamillioncrewdirectivesthroughahundredthousandstorms.

JohnandIwentouttotheairporttomeettheguywhowaswalkingusthroughour“new”planebeforewedidatestrun.Itwasallprettystraightforward,buteveryplanehasitslittleidiosyncrasies.Whenhestarteduptheenginerun,somethingdidn’tsoundquiterighttome,buttheenginewasmakingpowerjustfineandeverythingcheckedout.Sooffwewent,flyingourshortpattern.

Theinitialdepartureisalwaysthemostcriticalphaseoftheflight.You’relow,whichmeansyoudon’thavealotofaltitudetoglidetheplane,whichalsomeansyoudon’thavethekindoftimetomakedecisionsasyoudowhenyou’reuphigh.You’realsoattheheaviestyou’regoingtobe,becauseyoujusttookonfuel.Andyoudon’thavealotofairspeedyet.Addthatallup:you’reheavy,low,andslow.That’swhysomanyseriousaccidentshappeninthesecondsandminutesimmediatelyaftertakeoff.

Westarteddowntherunway.Somethingstilldidn’tsoundrighttome—butagain,everythinglookedokay.Thenwewereofftherunwayandintheair.Iwasonthestick,Johnintheseatbehindme,andIwasexpectingtohearhiscrankyvoiceshoutinginstructionsinmyear,liketheolddayswhenhewasfirstteachingmehowtofly.Rightnow,though,Johnwasn’tyellinganything.Hewassniffingtheair.

Ismelledit,too.Ilookeddown.Mypantlegwassoakingwet.Therewasfuelsquirtingoutalloverme.

Oh,shit.

Oh,shit.There’safuelhosethatrunsfromtheenginetothepressuregaugeinthe

controlpanel.Theendthatconnectstothepanelhadcomeoff,andourengine’spreciousfuelpressurewasnowbleedingoutallovermyleg.WhichmeantIwassittinginapuddleofhighlyflammableplanefuel,inaplanethatwasalmostasoldasJohn.Iglancedatmyradios.Allitwouldtakewasoneofthosesuckersdecidingtosparkatthatmoment,andJohnandIwouldbesittinginacockpitfire.

Thiswasoneofthosesituationswhereyouwanttobemorepreparedthanyoueverthoughtyou’dneedtobe.

Amajorpartofapilot’strainingisthemasteryofcontingencyplans.Pilotsrundozens,hundredsofwhat-ifscenarios.Whattodoifanenginegoesout;ifyouspringafuelleak;ifthere’sanelectricalproblem;ifyoulosecomms.WhenChesleySullenbergerglidedthatAirbusA320toasafelandingintheHudsoninJanuary2009withall155aboardsafeandsound,theycalledit“themiracleontheHudson.”Buttherealmiraclehadalreadytakenplaceyearsbeforehand.Sullyhadrehearsedit.Nobodyexpectedhe’deverneedtoactuallydoit.

Goodthinghewasoverprepared.ThesameistrueforSEALtraining,andallSpecOpstraining.Ifyourteam

isgoingtodoabeachlanding,oraninsertionbyheloinenemyterritory,oranighttimetakedowninavillagecompound,thereareathousandthingsthatcouldgowrong.Whentheydo,we’rereadyforthem.

Forexample,OperationNeptuneSpear,theMay2011raidonOsamabinLaden’scompoundinAbbottabad,Pakistan.Whenoneoftheteam’sstealthBlackHawkhelicopterscrashed,itcouldeasilyhavespelledcompletefailurefortheraid,deathorcaptureforthetwodozenSEALsinvolved,andtotalcatastrophefortheU.S.military.ButtheSEALshadcontingenciesdrilledintotheirbonemarrow.Theyblewupthechopper,carriedoutthemission,andgottheirassesoutofthere,flawlessly,almostasifthey’dplannedtoloseachopper.Whichtheyhad,moreorless,becausewhatevercouldgowrong,they’drehearsedit.

Inpractice,they’dtimedthemissionatfortyminutesflat.Inactualoperation,theywereinandoutinthirty-eight.That’ssomefirst-ratetraining.ForNavySEALs?SOP.

WehavesuchanexceptionallystrongstandardofcontingencyplanningforpilotsandSpecialOperatorsbecausethesearebothprofessionsthatinvolveahighlevelofdanger.Weoughttohaveequallyhightrainingstandardsforciviliandriver’slicenses,butwedon’t.Youthinkthatmighthaveanythingtodo

withourhorrificallyhightrafficfatalityrates?Cometothinkofit,itmightnotbeabadideaifweimplementedthatkindofthoroughcontingencytrainingforfutureparents,too,beforetheyhavekids.

Youdefinitelywantthatsamelevelofcontingencyplanninginbusiness.That’sthepurposeofagoodbusinessplan:nottoshowsomeoneelsesoyoucangetfinancialbacking,buttoshowyourselfsoyou’reprepared.Abusinessplanisnotjustasetofnumbers,itisarehearsal.Awalk-through.Asmartbusinessplanplaysoutmultiplescenarios:notonlythewayyouintendthingstohappen,butthevariouswaystheymightgodowndifferentlyfromwhatyouexpect.

Thesamethingistrueforpublicspeaking.WhenIsay“knowyourmaterial,”Idon’tmean“haveyourspeechmemorized.”Imeanknowyourarea,andthinkthroughwhatyoureallywanttosay.Whenbeinginterviewedoncamera,talkingtoafewmillionpeople,youdon’tgettodeliveramemorizedspeech.Andyoudon’thavetwentyminutestofindyourwaytoyourmainpoints;youmighthavetwentyseconds.Youhavetorespondtowhateverquestionstheythrowatyou—andchancesareexcellentthattheywon’taskthequestionsyouwantthemto.Youhavetohaveyoursoundbitesdown,soyoucancomebackwithsomethingthatisn’tevasivebutthatsayswhatyouwantedtosay.

Contingencyplanning.Whetheryou’reanentrepreneurpitchingyourideatoapotentialinvestor,or

asalespersonmakingapresentation,orateachergivingaclass,oryou’rebeinginterviewedonlivetelevision,youcannevercontrolorfullyanticipatewhattheotherpersonisgoingtosay.Allyoucandoisdoyourbestprep,andthenclimbintothehotseat.I’lltellyouwhat,though:thatseatisalotlesshotwhenyouknowyourmaterialdowncold.

Speakingofhotseats,you’reprobablywonderingwhathappenedupthereinthecockpitofmyFujiLM2.

Inasmallplanelikethis,alltheessentialcontrolsaremechanical,whichmeansIshouldbeabletoflythedamnthingevenwiththepowershutoff.Sobeforeourradiosoranythingelsehadthechancetospark,Iimmediatelyshutdownallourelectricalsystems.Wemadeanexpeditiouslandingandtaxiedbacktoourstartingpoint,replacedthehose,andthentookoffagain,boundforMiamiandpointssoutheast.

TheonlyreasonthatlittletestflightdidnotturnintoadisasterwasthatIdidn’tgiveittimeto.Ihadthatelectricalsystemshutdowninsecondsflat.Ididn’thavetothinkaboutit.

I’drehearsedit.

I’drehearsedit.

RAISEYOURPREPSTANDARDS

Alloftheforegoingreallyboilsdowntothis:ifyouwanttoraisethelevelofyourperformance,inanyarea,thenfocusonraisingthelevelofyourrehearsal.Whetherthisissomethingyou’realreadydoingthatyouwanttodobetter,orsomethingthatyou’veneverdonebeforeandwanttomaster,thestrategicplacetoputyourenergyisinyourownself-preparation.

Whichmeans:Challengeyourself.Don’tcontentyourselfwithrestingonyourlaurels.Makeitasingulareffort,thenaregularpractice,andthenahabittoassesswhereyouarerightnowandstretchyourself5percentfurther.

Takeyourhealth,forinstance;specifically,yourdiet.Howaccuratelydoyourfoodchoicesbuildandsupportthelevelofhealthyouaspiretohave?Idon’thaveoneparticulardietaryapproachorperspectiveIadheretoorendorse;Iamjustontheconstantlookoutfornewinformationandpowerfulwaystoupthelevelofmyhealththrougheverydayfoodchoices.Thatmeansreadingabouthealthandnutrition,hangingoutwithpeoplewhohavetakenahighlyproactiveapproachtotheirdietandhealth,andalwaysbeingopentonewknowledge,information,andinsightsonthesubject.AndalwayschallengingmyselftobeliketheOlympicmotto:citius,altius,fortius—faster,higher,stronger.

Hereistherelevantquestionforthischapter:Whatlevelofstandarddoyouwanttoholdforyourselfinyourownpractice?Whateveritis,Irecommendyouraiseit,evenifonlybyamarginalamount.That’swhat“stretchyourzoneofcompetence”means.Ifyoualreadyhaveanexpectationofexellence,that’sgreat.Nowraisethat5percent.Andtomorrow,another5percent.

Ihaveafriendwhowasparticipatinginaseriesofentrepreneurnetworkingevents,whichsoundslikeagoodthing,exceptthathewasalreadyperformingatalevelbeyondeveryoneelseinthegroup.Whichmeanthewasabigfishinasmallpondgettinghisegostrokedbythesewantrepreneurswhowereallimpressedwithhisaccomplishments.

“Man,”Isaid,“you’rewastingyourtime.YouneedtobesittingdownwiththeCEOofsomesoftwarecompanywhohasjustcrushedit—theguyyou’retryingtobecome.Aguywhocanhelpraiseyouup,giveyousolidconnections,andcallbullshitonyouwhenyouneedit.”

Iofferedtoconnecthimwithsomeofmysuccessfulentrepreneurfriends,likeSolomonChoi(16Handles)orRyanZagata(BrooklynBicycleCompany),

buthewasreluctanttomeetthem.Iunderstandwhy.Whenyouspendtimewithsomeonewho’spowerfullysuccessfulinbusiness,uh-oh:thestakesarehigher.That’sexactlywhyIlikespendingtimewiththosepeople.Idon’twanttohangaroundwithpeoplewhopatmeonthebackandtellmehowgreatI’mdoing.Iwanttobestretched.

EOhadareallyhighrevenuethresholdtobecomeamember,andwhenIjoinedthatgroupin2015,Iwasstretchingmyself.ButIdidn’tstaythereforever;in2017IleftEOtojoinanothergroup,YPO(YoungPresidents’Organization),thathasanevenhigherentrybar.YPO’smembershiprollincludesthepresidentsofbillion-dollarcompanies.That’swhatI’mshootingfornow.It’sbeenanexcitingride,tobuildmybusinessfromzerotothepointwhereit’svaluedat$100million.ButIwanttoscaleup.Iwanttobuildabusinessvaluedat$1billion.Todothat,Ineedtostretchmycomfortzone,toaccesspeopleonabusinesslevelthat’sintimidatingforme.

Ineedtoraisemystandard.WhenIstartedHurricanein2012,itwasjustablog.Itdidn’ttakelongtosee

thatwhatIreallyhadgoingwasafull-fledgedmediabusiness.I’dgoneintoitnotreallyknowingallthatmuchaboutmediaoradvertising—butImadeitmybusinesstolearn,andfast.Iread,andread,andreadsomemore,asmanyasadozenbooksaweek.It’snowsixyearslaterandI’mstilldoingit.TheclerksatmylocalbookstoreknowwhatIlike,andeverytimeIgointheyhaveastackwaitingforme.I’vereadjustabouteverybookthereisonmedia,advertising,andmarketingfromthepasthalfcentury,oratleastthetitlesthatmatter.Andhundredsmoretitlesoneverytopicthatmightbeconnected,evenifonlytangentially.

Theaveragebusinesspersonwillgetahandleonsomeareaofknowledgebyreadingmaybethreeorfourbooksonthetopic,orevenhalfadozen.Myapproachisalittledifferent:I’llreadahundred.EverytimeIbumpintoanothertopicIneedtoknowabout,whetherit’sdocumentaryfilmmakingorinvestmentbankingorcryptocurrency,Igochowdownonatleastashelfortwoofbooksonthesubject.Everysuper-successfulbusinesspersonIknowdoeslikewise,consumingatonofgreatknowledge-basedcontentonwhatevertheyfeeltheyneedtoknow.

There’saphraseI’veheardalotofbusinesswannabesandmiddle-of-the-roadentrepreneursuse:“massiveaction.”Iguessitmeanssomethinglike,“Ifyouthrowenoughpastaatthewall,something’sboundtostick.”Maybethatworksforthem...maybe.

Forme?Iprefertargetedaction—comingontheheelsofmassivepreparation.

PRACTICEPOINTS

Effectiverehearsaldoesnoteliminatefearormakeyouimpervioustofear;itgivesyouthetoolstofallbackoninthatmomentofmaximumstress.Practicecreatescompetence,whichbreedsconfidence.It’saloteasiertobeinthehotseatwhenyouknowyourmaterialdowncold.

Masteritfirstinyourmind.Payattentiontoyourthoughts;becomeawareoftheconversationinyourhead.Speakthewordsoutloud,withoutfilteringorediting,soyouhearwhatthatinternalmonologueisreallysaying.

Whenyounoticeyourthoughtsgoingnegative,stopandreframe.Sortoutwhatyou’recurrentlythinking,andwhatpositivethoughtsyouwouldreplaceitwith.Writethisout,ifithelps.Giveyourselfpositivelanguagetoframewhatyouwanttoseeyourselfdoing:connectingbatandball,asopposedtoavoidingthestrikeout.

Honethosepositivethoughtslikearazor,sotheysendaclearsignaltoeverypartofyournervousandendocrinesystems.Seeyourselfvividlywalkingthroughthesequenceofactionsyouwanttomaster.Andfocusondoingitright.Rememberthatmentalrehearsaltakesjustasmuchdisciplineasphysical,maybemore.

Startinyourcomfortzone,thenstretch.Isolatethefundamentalelementsofthechallenge,andpracticethoseunderrelaxedconditionsuntiltheyareaccurateandcomplete.

Nowapplyrepetitionandrefinement,graduallyrampingupinspeed,volume,scale,orwhateveraspectorparameteryouneedtoincrease.

Pushthelimits.Floorit!Whenyoustartlosingaccuracy,scalebackagaintowithinyourcompetencezoneuntilyouhaveitfullybackundercontrol.Thenstartpushingthelimitsagain.Takeitasfarasyoucan—andthen5percentfurther.

Inotherwords:startwithinthelimitationsofyourcurrentcompetenceandthenbuildonthat.Crawl,walk,run.

Raisethebar.Rehearsemorethanyouthinkyouneedto.Don’tpracticeforwhatyouexpecttodo,practiceforthattimesten.Overprepare.

Comeupwithunlikelyscenariosandprepareforthose,too.Thinkoftendifferentwaysitcouldgowrong,thenpracticehowyouwoulddealwithalltensituations.Prepareforwhatcouldhappenbutprobablyneverwill.Becauseitmight.

Constantlyraiseyourstandardsofrehearsal.Trainingneverstops.Challengeyourself.Neversettle.Embraceexcellence.

I’

3

LETTINGGO

Todayisagooddaytodie.—CRAZYHORSE,

beforetheBattleoftheLittleBighorn

DBEENOUToftheserviceformorethanfiveyears,mostofthattimespentbuildingWindZero,mymultimillion-dollarbusinessventure.I’dpouredin

justaboutallmynetworth,moneyI’dbeensavingforyears,aswellasmoneyfromalotofinvestors,includingfamilymembers,friendsfromthemilitary,andmore.Allthishadblownupinmyface.

Andthenmywifetoldmeshewasleaving.Andtakingthekids.Therearefearslikethefearoffalling,offlying,ofinjuryanddeath.Forme,

noneofthoseisverystrong.Youcantalkaboutbombsandbulletsalldaylong;drowningorbeingwaterboarded,shotintheAfghanhigh-mountaindesert,throwntorotinanIraqiprison.True,noneofthatsoundsveryappealing.Butthiswasworse.ThesituationIwasinnowplayedonmydeepest,darkestfear.

Fearoftotalpersonalfailure.I’dlostmybusiness,ourlifesavings,andnowmyfamily.Threestrikesand

you’reout.KeepingthisfamilytogetherwasthereasonI’dleftthemilitaryinthefirst

place.Therewasnothingintheworldmoreimportanttomethanourkids.Wewerenevergoingtobethatfamily,theonethatsplitupandfracturedourkids’lives.Yethereitwas,staringmeintheface.What?

Notthatitwasentirelyoutoftheblue.Themarriagehadseenitstroubles,especiallywithmebeingawaysomuchduringthesniperschoolyears.Butwe’dstucktogetherthroughthetoughtimes,andI’dthoughtwewereinaprettygoodplace.Thatmaybewe’dweatheredthefire.We’djustsignedaleaseonanewplace.Theschoolyearwasabouttostart.IwasgoingtocoachLittleLeague.

IthoughtofGeneHackman’slastlineinthatClintEastwoodmasterpieceUnforgiven.HackmanplaysLittleBillDaggett,thecorruptsheriffEastwoodgunsdown.Asheliesdying,indisbeliefathisownmortality,hesays,“Idon’tdeservethis,todielikethis.Iwasbuildingahouse....”

Thatwasme,indisbeliefatmyownfallibility.Iwasbuildingafamily....Sittingbrokeandaloneinabrand-newandveryemptyapartment,Ihad

soberthoughtsaboutaquickhopofftheCoronadoBridge.Discardedthatideaprettyquick,though:couldn’tdothattomykids.Besides,mylifewasjustgettinggoing;Iwantedtobearoundtoseehowthewholestoryends.

Nextthought,myfallbackposition:reenlist.Wouldtheservicetakemeback?Ofcourse.ButI’veneverbeenmuchfortheeasypath,orforgoingbackward.Discardedthatonejustasfast.Sothen...what?Icouldkeepsittingthereinmyhouseandholdontotheshame,wallowinthefailure.Getdrunk,maybe?Callafriendandhaveafeel-sorry-for-myselfmarathon?

OrIcouldletgoofallthatandfacetherealityofthesituation.Iletgo,pickedupthephone,andstarteddealingwiththemess.Pullingoutofthewreckagethatwasmylife,Inegotiatedoutofourlease

andgotmyselfintoasmallapartmentIcouldafford.Imadesomecalls,askedaround,andmanagedtofindahigh-payingjobinthedefenseindustry,whichIclungtolikedriftwood.Startedpayingbacksomefamilyandfriendswho’dinvestedinmyfailedbusinessandgettingmyfeetbackontheground.

Inthecourseofdiggingout,IbeganlookingatallthepositivesIhadgoingforme.Threegreatkids,allhealthy.Anex-wifewhowaswillingtoworkwithmeandtakethehighroad.Andagreatjob.

ThedefensecompanyInowworkedforputmeinchargeofrunningadivision,managingaclassifiedprogramwithSOCOM(SpecialOperationsCommand),helpingmakesurethattheengineerswhowerebuildingradiosandalgorithmsandothercommsequipmentforourSpecOpsforcesweren’tspendingmillionsofdollarsbuildingthingstheteamswoulduseaspaperweights.Lisa,theVPIreportedto,wasafantasticleaderandexcellentmentor,someoneIlookeduptoandadmired.Iwasdealinginelevatedcirclesandmakingconnectionsthatcouldeasilyfacilitateanupwardcareerpath.Itwasworkthatmadeadifference.AndIwasearningnearlytwohundredgrandayear.Insomanyways,itwasperfect.

Sowhy,afewmonthsin,wasIthinkingofleavingthejobandstartinganotherbusiness?

“Areyououtofyourfreakingmind?”myfriendssaid.“You’vegotafantasticjobwithlucrativepayandbenefitsandexcellentupwardlymobileprospects!Therearetonsofpeoplewhowouldkilltohavewhatyouhave!Andyou’regoingtounhookyourselffromthatphenomenalprofessionalandfinanciallife-supportsystemtostrikeoutonyourownagain,andlaunchyetanotherstart-up?Whenthesmokehasbarelyclearedfromyourlastdisaster?”

Ihadtoadmit,theyhadapoint.Anumberofpoints,infact,andtheywereallgoodones.Butnoneofthemwasthekeypoint.

Thejobwasgreat.Butitwasacoconut.

SOMETIMESYOUHAVETOLETGOOFTHECOCONUT

AfriendofminefromthePhilippinestellsmehowtheytrapmonkeysinhiscountry.Theydigahole,placeacoconutinit;themonkeyreachesin,grabsthecoconut,andhisfistisnowtoobigtopullbackout.He’strapped.Allhehastodoisletgoofthecoconut.Buthewon’tdoit.Whynot?Whatkeepsthatmonkey’sfistclenched?Fear.He’safraidoflosingwhathehas.Sohekeepsthecoconut—andloseshisfreedom.

Ididnotwanttokeepthecoconutandlosemyfreedom.WhatkeptKamaladheredtothatpoolsidewallonthefirstdayofourswim

lessons?Whatpreventspeoplefromtakingtheriskstheyneedtotakeinordertoachievethethingstheydreamofachieving?Whatkeepspeoplestuckinrelationshipsthataren’tworking,indead-endjobstheyhate,oreven,asinmycase,ingreatjobsthatnonethelessareholdingthembackfromsomethingthatcouldbeevenbetter?Theycan’tletgoofthecoconut.

Youcanachievegreatthings.Butfirstyouhavetoletgoofthecoconut.Masteringfearstartswithadecision,thenproceedsthroughrehearsal,sothat

you’llbeaspreparedaspossibletomakethatjumpintotheunknownandtakeactioninthefaceofyourfear.Butninetimesoutoften,whenthetimecomestomakethejump,somethingkeepspeoplefromactuallydoingit.Somethingthey’reholdingonto.

ForKamal,itwastheedgeofthepool.Inourlifejourneyit’scalled“home.”Beforeyoucantakethatleapintotheunknownofyouradultlife,youhavetoleavechildhoodbehind,cuttheapronstrings,kickawaythetrainingwheels.Youhavetoleavehome.Youhavetoletgo.

Youhavetoleavehome.Youhavetoletgo.Lettinggoiswhereyourelinquishcontrol,releaseyourgriponthedoor

framebeforejumpingoutoftheplane.It’swhereyoustepawayfromtheladderandwalkouttotheendofthehigh-diveboard,takeabreath,andstandtherewithoutvisiblemeansofsupport.

Isteppedawayfromtheladder,outtotheendofthehigh-diveboard,andtookabreath.Letgoofthatfantasticdefensejobanddoveintoanotherstart-up.

WithinafewyearsIwasturningdowna$15millionacquisitionofferandwellonmywaytowardhavingacompanyworthtentimesthatnumber.Ratherthancrashingandburning,thistimethebusinesswasaflamingsuccess.Worththeleap?Hell,yes.ButnoneofitcouldhavehappenedifIhadn’tfirstletgoofthecoconut.

UNDERSTANDTHATSAFETYISANILLUSION

Onereasonfearcangetitsgriponus,perhapsthebiggestreasonofall,isthatitspeaksdirectlytoournaturalimpulseforself-preservation.Fearisawarenessofdanger,right?Andnaturally,youwanttokeepyourselfsafe,correct?Ah,butthat’satrap!Andwithinthattrapisasecret,onethatmightbeuncomfortabletohearbutwillliberateyouifyouletit:

You’reneversafe.Thetrapissimplythis:Ifyouthinkyoucanachieveandmaintaingenuine

safety,thenyou’llneverriskanything.Andyou’llneverreallylive.Theliberationisthis:onceyouunderstandthatcompletesafetywillforever

beoutofyourreach,itfreesyoutoembracethoserisksthatareworthit,andtodosowithpassionandabandon.

ItmightseemlikeSEALshaveadevil-may-care,screw-itapproachtosafety.Infact,theoppositeistrue.AsI’vementioned,wearefanaticalabouttrainingandpreparation.Weactuallyplaceahugevalueonsafety.Butwealsoknowitslimits.Weknowthatwhenitcomesrightdowntoit,safetyisanillusion.

Kamal’sfirstcareerwasintraumaresearch.Forfouryears,hegotupeverydayandwenttoworkuntillateatnightinalevel-onetraumacenter,wherehewouldwaitforthepeoplewhowouldsoonbetruckedinallmangledupfromwhateverseriousaccidenthadjusthappened,sohecouldcollectdataandtakesamples.

“Iwatchedalotofpeopledie,”hesays.“Andthesewerepeoplewhowoke

upthatmorningjustlikeeveryoneelse,shaved,gotinthecar,andwentofftowork,justlikeanyotherday.Exceptthatthisparticulardayendedwiththemlyingonagurneysurroundedbytheircryingfamily.”

Asmuchasweworktobuildinaframeworkofconsistencyandfamiliarity,wewillneverchangethebedrockfactthatlifeisentirelyunpredictable.It’sentropy,thesecondlawofthermodynamics:allorderlysystemswilleventuallybreakdownandturntohydrogen.TheotherdaysomeguytookatruckscreamingdownabikepathonNewYork’sWestSide,plowingdownjoggersandpedestrians,hittingasmanypeopleashecould.Killedeightandinjuredtwentymore.Ieasilycouldhavebeenthere.ItwasjustblocksfromwhereIlive.Andhey,itdoesn’ttakeanactofterrorism.Itakemydogoutwalkingthestreet,I’monthephone,distracted,he’spullingontheleash,acabbiehappenstotakethewrongleftthatmorningand—boom!I’mgone.

Ithappens.Ithappenseveryday.Sowedowhatwecantotilttheoddsinfavorofoursafety,well-being,and

continuedlongevity,yetultimatelywehavenogenuinecontrolovertheoutcome.Doessafetymatter?Ofcourse.Aslongasyouunderstandthatinthebigpicture,thereisnosuchthing.

Andifsafetyisanillusion,thenwhat’sthepointofplayinglifeasaspectator,watchingfromthestands?Sittinguponthebleachersisnosaferthanbeingrightoutonthefield.Evenifyouopttoplayitsafeandavoidtakingallrisks,youcan’t,becausethatoptiondoesnotinfactexist.“Playingitsafe”isafool’sfantasy.

Isaythisbecauseitputsfearinadifferentperspective.Muchofwhatgivesourfearstheirpoweroverus,whatkeepsusclingingtothesideandholdsusbackfromjumpingintothedeependofthepool,isourimpulsetohangontowhereweare,towhatweknow,to“whathasalwaysworkedbefore”and“thewaythingshavealwaysbeen.”Butit’snosaferoverherethanitisoverthere.

Everygreatgain,forhumanityasawholeorforyouormeinourownlives,hascomeaboutonlythroughrisk.Takingthatjobyouweren’tsureyoucouldhandle;lettinggoofthatotherjobforanewopportunity.Joiningtheservice.Leavingtheservice.Askingthatgirltodance.Openingyourownbusiness.Hell,justcomingdownthebirthcanalandoutintothisbright,noisyworldwasaterrifyingrisk.Itwassafeandquietinthere!

Buttheriskisworthit,becausethere’sthatring,thattreasure,thosekeystothekingdom,thatheart’sdesireattheendofthepath.

Anothergreatlinefromcinemahistory:ButchandSundanceareontherunfromthesuper-posseandreachacliff,aragingriverwaydownbelow.Noway

fromthesuper-posseandreachacliff,aragingriverwaydownbelow.Nowayout;theonlychoiceistojump.ButSundancewon’tdoit.Butchpresseshim.Sundancerefuses.Finallyheblurtsout,“Ican’tswim!”

Butchlooksathimandsays,“Youcrazybastard.Thefall’llprobablykillya.”

Sosure,youcouldstayuphereonthecliffwhereit’s“safe,”andwaitforthesuper-possetocometakeyouawaytoprison.Oryoucouldjump.What’sthat?You’reafraidyoumaynotbeabletoswim?RefertoCassidy,Butch.

TUNEOUTTHEBULLSHIT

Ihaveafriend,ChrisWard,whojoinedthemarinesaftergraduatingfromhighschoolintheearlyeighties.ChrislovedmusicandwasahugefanoftheRamones,thelegendarypunkrockband.Helovedtheirtake-no-prisonersstyle.IftheMarineCorpsethiccouldbeputintorockandroll,itwouldlookandsoundalotliketheRamones.

Then,inthesummerof1989,whenChriswasneartheendofhistour,thegroup’sbassplayer,DeeDeeRamone,quittheband.Chriscouldn’tbelieveit.BasswasChris’sinstrument;DeeDeewashisfavoritebandmember.Herantedaboutittoamarinebuddy.“Thisisbullshit,man—itain’ttheRamoneswithoutDeeDee!”Andhesworehe’dnevergotoanotherRamonesshow.

Asitturnedout,hewaswrong.HedidgotoafewmoreRamonesshows.Allofthem,infact.WhenheheardthattheRamoneswereauditioningforanewbassplayer,

Christriedout(aftertwodaysstraightofround-the-clockpracticing)andsonofabitch:helandedthegig.Tojointheband,hehadtochangehisname.NoneofthebandmemberswerebornwiththenameRamone;theyalltookonstagenames.SoChristopherJosephWardceasedbeingChristopherJosephWard—andbecameC.J.Ramone.

C.J.’sfirsteventwasbookedforfiveweekstothedayafterheleftthemarines.Whichmeanthehadthirty-fivedaystolearnandrehearsefortysongs.Helivedinhisroomforthosefiveweeksanddidnothingbutplaybass.Heatedinnersittingwithhisbass.Hesleptwithhisbass.Hepracticedandpracticedandpracticed.Whenthenightcame,hestoodinthewings,tryingtopreparehimselftostepoutonstageandactuallybecomeaRamone.Totaketheplaceofoneofthemostlegendarybassplayersandsongwritersinrock-and-rollhistory.Butallhecouldhearwerehisownwordsinhishead:

“Thisisbullshit,man—itain’ttheRamoneswithoutDeeDee!”JohnnyRamone,theguitaristandoneoftheband’sfounders,lookedhim

deadintheeyesandsaid,“Youreadytogo?”Itwasterrifying.Hefeltlikehewasgoingtothrowup.Inthatmoment,C.J.says,heknewhehadtomakeachoice.Hecouldstaytrappedinthebullshit.Orhecouldletitgo.

Hetookabreathandsteppedoutontothestagewiththeothers.Peopleinthecrowdbooedhim,yelledathim,threwbottlesandbootsandall

sortsofcrapathim.Peoplespitonhim.Therewereafewstandingrightupfrontholdingasignthatsaid“WEWANTDEEDEE,”screamingandcursingathim.Onegirl,sittinguponherboyfriend’sshoulders,gavehimthefinger.

Butnoneofthatmattered.C.J.’sbiggestdetractorwasthevoiceinhisownheadsaying,Thisisbullshit,man!—andhe’dalreadystoppedlistening.

Heplayedeveryshowuntilthegroupdisbandedin1996.Sometimesthebullshitisyourowninternalmonologuetalking,asitwasfor

C.J.Sometimesit’sthepeoplearoundyou—eventhoseyou’reclosestto.You’veprobablyhadthatexperience,ofpeoplewholoveyouurgingyounot

todothatthingthatyourheartistellingyoutodo.It’snoteasy,isit?Becauseyoudon’twanttoignorethevoiceofexperience.Youdon’twanttodosomethingfoolish,somethingyou’lllaterregret.Buttherearetimeswhenpeopleclosetoyousay,“Don’tdoit!”—andyourgutsays,Doit!IknowI’vecertainlyhadthatexperience,morethanonce.

SohasmyfriendMariaEmma.Mariaisphenomenallytalented—competitionfigureskater,artprodigy,a

whizatpeoplemanagement,andavoraciousentrepreneur.Byagesixteenshewasrunningtwonationallytop-ratedskatingrinks,withfortycoachesandfourhundredstudents.ShebecametheyoungestfreshmanevertoenrollattheFashionInstituteofTechnology.AteighteenshetookamanagementpositionwithWalmart,andwithinsixmonthswashiringandfiringandbeingaccountablefor$15billioninapparel.AtwhichpointshedecidedtogointobusinessforherselfwithadesignfranchiseopportunitycalledEmbroidMe.SheboughtthefranchiseforManhattan.

Andeveryonetoldheritwouldn’twork.Likeme,whenmyfriendstoldmeIwascrazytoleavemydefensejob,

Mariahadtoadmit:theyhadapoint.Thiswas2008.Thenation’seconomywasinmeltdownmode.She’djustleftanamazing,high-payingjob,she’dpouredeverythingshehadintothisnewbusiness(some$300,000,bythetimeshehungouthershingle),theeconomywascrashing,shewaslivingonramennoodlesandrunningherlittleretailoperationoutofhertinystudioapartment,asixth-

andrunningherlittleretailoperationoutofhertinystudioapartment,asixth-floorwalk-uponThirty-fourthStreet,becausethatwasallshecouldafford.Fivehundredsquarefeet:basically,Mariaandadesk.Customershadtobuzzuptobeletin.

“Areyoucrazy?”herfriendssaid.“Nobody’sgoingtocomeuptothesixthfloor!”

Soshemadeoneofthemostexcruciatingdecisionsofherlife.Toclosethebusiness?Acceptdefeat?No—tocutties,atleastforthe

moment,withthosefriendsandfamilywhoweretellingheritwouldn’twork.Thatnightshesatinhercar,brokedown,andcried.

“Itwasincrediblypainful,”saysMaria.“Butnecessary.”Sheknewthatifshespenttoomuchtimearoundthem,hearingtheirconstantdoubtswouldmakeherwallsstartcrumbling.WhatmadethisespeciallyhardtodowasthatMariaknewtherewassometruthinwhattheywereallsaying.Butshedidn’twanttobuyintothatstoryline.

“Forme,”saysMaria,“fearhaszeropercenttodowithyourcircumstance,andonehundredpercenttodowithyourmindset.WasIafraid?Ofcourse!ButIdecidedtolookatthefearasaninvitationtodiveinandwriteanewstoryline.”We’llrevisitMaria’sstoryinchapter5,buthere’stheshortversion:thebusinessbecameasmashsuccess.

Sometimesthestaticcomesfromwell-meaningfriends,asinMaria’scase.Sometimesitcomesfromunhappy,mean-spiritedpeoplewhoaretryingtotakeyoudown.

Thelastfewyears,there’sbeenalittlecliqueofdisgruntledformerSEALswhohavefollowedmycareerandheckledmeconstantly,tellinganyonewhowilllistenthatI’mafraudandpostingsmacktalkaboutmeonsocialmedia.It’slikehavingabunchofgroupies,onlyinreverse.(IlovewhatPauloCoelhosaysaboutthis:“Hatersareconfusedadmirers.”)

Forafewyears,itgottome,andIwouldtrytofightit.ThenonedayIaskedmyself:IfIsatdowninmydoctor’sofficetomorrowandhesaid,“Webb,you’redying,you’vegotayearleft,”wouldIcareaboutwhatsomedisaffectedpeoplearesayingaboutmeonsocialmedia?Ofcoursenot.I’dbeonthephonelininguptheflightsforayearlongtripwithmykids.I’dspendeverymomentofthatoneremainingyearwithmyfamilyandfriends,makinggreatmemories,pouringmyselfintothethingsthatmattermost.

Ofcourse,thedoctorhasn’tsaidthat,nottomeandprobablynottoyou,either.Butwhetherit’soneyearleftorfiftyyearsleft,what’sthedifference?Nolifespanislongenoughtojustifywastingadayofitlisteningtothebullshit.

Therewillalwaysbecritics,alwayspeoplewhowanttorainonyourparade,bringyoudown,stealyourdreams,orstopyoufromleapingforward.Youcanlistenandbelieveitifyouwant.Oryoucanletgoofitallandtuneintowhat’simportant.

WHENOPPORTUNITYCOMES,GRABIT

Afterrecountinghisstoryonmypodcast,C.J.Ramonemadeanobservationthatstayedwithme.

“Realopportunityisararething,”hesaid.“Iseefriendswhowanttostartabusinessormakesomeotherbigmoveintheirlives,andItellthem,‘Stopthinkingyouhavetokeepprepping.Youknowyouwanttodoit.You’vealreadymadeupyourmind.There’snomoreprepping.Youjusthavetotakethechance,andgo.’”

Therecomesapointwhereit’snolongeraboutprep—it’sabouttakingachance.

You’veprobablyheardthisone:“Opportunityiseverywhereyoulook,ifyoujustkeepyoureyesopen.”It’snotreallytrue.Ineverheargenuinelysuccessfulentrepreneurssaythat,becausetheyknowthatrealopportunity,thekindyoucangrabontoandtakeforaridearoundtheworld,isarareandvaluablething.Itisn’tsomethingyou’llfindlyingaroundoneverystreetcorner.

C.J.isrighton.Opportunityisnoteverywhereyoulook.Itcomes—butvery,veryseldom.Andwhenitdoes,toomanypeopleblowthechancetojumponitbecausethey’retoobusyfeelingthey’renotreadyyet,thatthey’renotpreparedenough.

Thiswassomethingwesawagainandagaininthesnipercourse.Wewoulddostalkingexercises,wherestudentswouldhavetosneakuptowithintwohundredmetersoftwoinstructorsandthen,oncetheywereinplace,setupforashot.Theinstructors,meanwhile,wouldbewatchingcarefully,doingtheirbesttocatchaglimpseofthestalkingstudents.Ifyouwereseen,thatwasafail.

Wealsohadwalkersinthefield,outamongthestudents,whosejobitwastowatchthestudentsbutnotgiveawaytheirlocation.Ispentquiteabitoftimebothasoneofthetargetinstructorsandasawalker.Iwouldwatchtheseguystaketwoorthreehourstocreepuptothetwo-hundred-meterzone—andthenspendanotherhourprepping.Granted,ittakesawhiletogeteverythingsetupjustright,tomakesureyouhaveacleansightlineandshotlineandthatyourconcealmentisperfect,sothatwhenyoufinallytaketheshottherewon’tbeany

concealmentisperfect,sothatwhenyoufinallytaketheshottherewon’tbeanytelltalemovementsofastrayleaforobviouspowderflash.

So,yeah,ittakesawhile.Butnotanhour.Yetsomeguyswouldliethereforever,preppingandprepping...andnever

takethatshot.Eventuallytheclockwouldrunoutandtheywouldfailthestalkwithouteverpullingthetrigger.Theproblemwasn’tthelogisticsoftheshotitself.Theyknewhowtodothat.Theyhaditdown.Theproblemwas,theycouldn’tletgooftheprepphase.

Iseethisalotinmycivilianlife,too.Peoplewhogetstuckintheirjobs,theircareers,orwhatevertheirpresentcircumstancesare,preparing,preparing,saying“Now’snotthetime,”or“Itdoesn’tfeelrightyet,”or“I’mnotquitereadyyet.”

Please,don’tmakethesamemistake.Don’tmissoutonwhatcouldbethegreatestexperiencesandopportunitiesofyourlifebecauseyoufeelyou’re“notready.”Ithinkthistragicmistakestemsfromamisunderstandingoftheword“ready.”Readydoesnotmeanyou’veremovedalluncertainty.Itdoesn’tmeanyou’vepracticedtothepointwherewhatcomesnextwillbeeasy.Itwon’tbeeasy.Noleapworthtakingiseasy.

Allreadymeansisyou’vesuitedupandmountedyourhorse.Nowit’stimetoride.

C.J.hitthenailonthehead.Ourtimeonthisplanetissolimitedandsoprecious.Trulygreatopportunitiesarescarce.Youhavetobepreparedtoseizeonthemwhentheycome,andthelion’sshareofthatpreparationispuremindset.Youhavetobepracticedatlettinggo—andwillingtotaketheshot.

GETOUTOFTHEECHOCHAMBER

I’vetoldyouaboutKamal’sfearofbeingunderwaterandhislifelonginability(untilrecently)toswim.Whatwehaven’tyettouchedonis...why?

Asitturnsout,thereisaveryconcreteanswer.WhenKamalwasjustfouryearsold,hefellintoaswampybogandsank.Theonlyreasonhedidn’tdrownwasthatsomeonehappenedtoseehimfallinandwadedinafterhim.Hismemoryoftheeventishazy.Infact,incredibly,hehadcompletelyforgottenaboutituntilwestartedtalkingabouthisfearofswimminginthecourseofworkingonthisbook.

Sometimesthefearthatholdsusbackhasnothingdirectlytodowithpresentcircumstances.Sometimeswhat’shappeningrightnowresonatessostronglywithpasteventsthatitevokesdeeplayersofresponseandreaction.Thegreat

withpasteventsthatitevokesdeeplayersofresponseandreaction.Thegreatmajorityofthefearsmostofusexperiencedaytodayarenothingbutshadowboxing:notaresponsetoagenuinedangerbutareactiontothereverberationsofeventslongbehindus.

Forexample,thatbusinessfailureIwentthroughin2011.Whatmadethatsodevastating?Ofcourseanymaleegohatestheideaoffailing.ToaNavySEAL,it’stentimesworse.Buttherewasmoretoitthanthat.Therewassomethingpersonalaboutit.

WhenIwassixyearsold,mydad’sconstructionbusinessfailed.Irememberitvividly,eventhoughIdidn’tfullygraspwhatwasgoingonatthetime.It’snotthatIsawhimasafailure.Ididn’t,anddon’t.Andit’snotthattheexperiencediminishedhiminmyeyes.Butthewholetoneofourliveschanged.Wemoved,thenmovedagain.Istartedgettinginmorefights.Forourfamilyitwastheendofanera,andthestartofanew,muchmoreuncertain,andfarlesshappyone.

Fast-forwardaboutthirtyyearstothecollapseofWindZeroandthatempty,silentapartment.Tome,Isuppose,“businessfailing”meantmorethansimplylosingmysavings.Intheechochamber,ittelegraphedamessagethatwentsomethinglikethis:Andnow,thefamilysuffers.Andsureenough,thenextthingIknew,mywifeandthreekidsweremovingtoanotherstate.

PullingoutofthatcloudofdespairmeantIhadtoshakeoffalltheimplicationsandconnotationsofwhatwashappeningandgetmyselfbackintothehereandnow.Sure,Icouldhavegoneintoarepeatingtapeloopofwhatwentwrong,ofwhosefaultitwas,whodidwhatandwhenandtowhom,anendlesshamsterwheelofscorekeeping,andkeptthatdramaspinningforyears.Peopledoitallthetime.Andtowhatend?

Thetruthwas,mywifeandIstillhadasolidconnection,andwewerebothdeterminedtogiveourkidsthemoststable,healthygrowing-upexperiencewepossiblycould.Andwehave.We’veneverletthebreakupofourmarriageripopenagapingseparationbetweenthekidsandeitheroneofus.EversincethatfallI’vebeenintheirlivesconstantly.MyexandIhavestayedongreatterms;sheeventuallyremarriedanexcellentguy,andI’mongreattermswithhimaswell.Wemaynothavesucceededatmarriage,butI’lltellyouwhat,we’vedoneasgoodajobwithfamilyasanydivorcedcoupleI’veeverknown.

Butforallthatgoodstufftounfold,Ifirsthadtogetoutoftheechochamber.

Everyoneofuslivesinourownprivateechochamber.What’sinyours?Perhapsyouwereteasedinschool.Abusedathome,physicallyorverbally,

byaparentoroldersibling.Maybeyou’vedonethingsyou’renotproudof,or

byaparentoroldersibling.Maybeyou’vedonethingsyou’renotproudof,orhadthingsdonetoyouthatyoucan’tforgive.Couldbeyouweretraumatizedbyeventsthathadnothingtodowithyou,butwhichyouhadthemisfortunetowitness,andarestillcarryingaroundwithyoutoday.Forexample,sayyourparentsusedtohaveviolentfightswhenyouwereakid.Noweverytimeyousensethehintofadifferenceofopinion,youblanch,feint,andevade.It’sgotnothingtodowithtoday’sdisagreement—you’reduckingtoavoidafightthatwasoveranddonewiththirtyyearsago.

Whatever’sinit,onethingisforsure:you’vegotanechochamberandtheinternalmonologuethatgoeswithit.Everyonedoes.

Wartimeveterans,ofcourse,oftenexperienceanechochamberofanespeciallyhellishkind.

OnmyPowerofThoughtpodcastIinterviewedatrue“greatestgeneration”hero,CaptainJerryYellin.Jerryenlistedinthearmyonhiseighteenthbirthday,justafewmonthsafterPearlHarbor,andendeduplandingonIwoJimaaspartofthe78thFighterSquadron.Eightsquaremilesofland,where67,000U.S.Marinesfoughtagainst23,000Japanese.Thereweresome28,000bodiesrottinginthesun,21,000Japaneseandnearly7,000marines.

“WhenIlanded,Ismelledthesmellofdeath,”Jerrysaid,“anditneverleftme.”

Amonthlaterheflewthefirstlong-rangeAirCorpsmissionoverJapan.Incredibly,healsoendedupflyingthelastcombatmissionofthewar.Sixteenoftheyoungmenheflewwithdidn’tcomehome.

WhenJerrygothomefromthewar,hefellintoadarkhole.Ashetellsit,hewasabasketcaseforthenextthirtyyears.Hecouldn’twork,couldn’tfunction,couldn’ttalkabouthiswartimeexperiences.Couldn’tunderstandwhyhehadsurvivedwhensomanyofhisbuddiesdidnot.Despitehavingawifehelovedandfourbeautifulboys,Jerrycouldn’tfindhiswayoutoftheechochamberandbacktothelandoftheliving.Andsoitwentforthirtyyears,depressed,lonely,andhopeless.

In1975,helearnedaboutmeditation,andinamatterofmonthshissenseoflifebegantowakeupagain.Nowhetravelstheworldsharinghisstoryandworkingtobringhealingandhopetoanewgenerationofveteranswhoarebattlingpost-traumaticstress.

Jerryfoundhiswayoutthroughmeditation.That’soneway.AnotheristogoskiMontBlanc.

In2017ItookfourSpecOpsvetsandacameracrewonafive-dayskitriptoChamonix,France,andupthebackofMontBlanc,thehighestpeakintheAlps,

toshootadocumentarytitledBigMountainHeroes,aboutveteranstransitioningtocivilianlife.Alotofthesemenandwomenhaveseenandexperiencedterriblethings,memoriestheycan’tshakeandstrugglestheycan’tprocesswithanyonewhowasn’tthere.Thereareplentyofprovenandpromisingalternativetherapiesoutthere,buttheVAtypicallythrowspillsattheproblem,whichonlycreatesacycleofaddictionandvictimization.Weneedtobelookingforwaystoempowerthesereturningheroes,nottosedatethem.

ThatwasourmissioninChamonix.“Thrillsbeforepills,”wecalledit.“We’llneverbefullyhealed,”saysoneoftheguysinthedocumentary.“But

everytimewesteppedoutside,weputonemorestitchinthewound.”Theechochamber’sgripisnotnecessarilyaboutpost-traumaticstress,or

evenaboutpasttrauma.Oftenit’ssimplyasortofhypernostalgiathatkeepsyouinitsclutches—andawayfromengaginginyourpresentreality.I’veseenalotofguyswho’veseparatedfromtheservicetechnically,butthey’restilllivingthereintheirheads,surroundingthemselveswithmemorabiliaoftheirtimeoverseas,spendingalltheirfreetimeonlywithothervetsandnobodyoutsidethatsacredcircle.It’sasiftheonlywaytheycanjustifytheirexistenceisbyleaningontheiridentityasformermilitaryguys.They’relikethosedadswhoconstantlytalkabouttheircollegeglorydays,theimplicationalwaysbeingthattheirbestisbehindthemandlifeisalldownhillfromhere.

There’snothingwrongwithcherishingfondmemories,justastherecanbealottogainfromsortingthroughpasthardshipsandpainforperspectivesthatmayserveusinthepresentday.Theproblemcomeswhenyougettrappedinthatplace.Onemorehamsteronthewheel.

Whenyoufindthathappeningtoyou,there’sonlyonethingtodo.Fliptheswitch.Changetheconversationinyourhead.Letthepastbeinthepast.Andwhilewe’reatit,letthefuturebeinthefuture.

Engageinthepresent.

LEARNHOWTODIE

WhenIstartedmyPowerofThoughtpodcast,myveryfirstguestwasJamesAltucher.JamesisoneofthemostamazingguysI’veeverknown.Hestartedoutintheeightiesasacomputerprogrammer,wrotehisfirstcodeonanAppleIIin1982.Intheearlyninetieshepredictedthateverycompanywouldeventuallyneedawebsite,andofcourse,peoplethoughthewascrazy.Hestartedoneofthe

firstwebsiteservices,buildingsitesforsuchclientsasAmericanExpress,Disney,Miramax,Sony,andTimeWarner.Whenhesoldhiswebsitebusinessin1998hepocketedsome$15million.

Buthewas,asheputsit,“youngandstupid,”andwithinlessthanfouryears,throughaseriesofpoorinvestmentsandbaddecisions,hewentfromhavingmillionsinthebanktohavingabalanceoflessthan$200.Suicidecrossedhismind.“Ithoughtmytwolittlegirlsmightbebetteroffwiththe$4millionpayoutfrommylifeinsurancethanwithme,”saysJames.

Instead,heputhisbottomlesscuriositytowork.Startingwithwhathe’dobservedaboutbuyingandsellingcompanies,hestudiedtheinvestmentworld.Hedownloadedfiftyyearsofstockdataandspenthoursdoingstatisticalmodeling.Becameaninvestmentguru.StartedaninvestmentnewsletterandsoldittoTheStreet.comformillions.Gotinvolvedinamentalhealthcompanyandsolditformillions.Startedmorethanadozenothercompanies.Ranahedgefund.Startedoneofthemostpopularpodcastsontheplanet.Wrotemorethanadozenbooks,oneofwhichwasnamedbyUSATodayas“oneofthetwelvebestbusinessbooksofalltime.”

Somewhereinthattimeline,helosteverythingasecondtime,thenbuiltitallbackupagain.Andthenathirdtime.

Jamesisconstantlypushinghimselftodonewandchallengingthings.Butthisyearhedidsomethingnobodysawcoming.Averyshyguy,Jameshadamassivefearofpublicspeaking.Sowhatdidhedo?Hedecidedtodostand-upcomedy.Andnotjustanywhere.HewantedtotakehisacttoaprominentclubinManhattan.

“Iwasscaredtodeath,”hesays.TowhichIsay,Noshit.Ifyouthinktheideaofspeakinginpublicisterrifying,imaginebeinga

stand-upcomic.Stand-upsnotonlyhavetospeakinfrontofacrowd,theyhavetomaketheaudiencelaugh.Anddoitoverandover,momentaftermomentaftermoment,withoutfail.Becauseaseveryprocomicknows,youractcangointoanosediveinamatterofseconds,andwhenitdoes,it’stoughertopulloutthanasingle-engineplaneinahurricane.Infact,theexperienceofhavingyouractgosouthissocommon,souniversal,thatcomedianshaveatermforit.

Theycallitdyingonstage.Twiceaweek,JamesgoestoaclubsomewhereinManhattananddoes

stand-upcomedy.I’vebeentohearhisshow.He’sactuallyprettyfunny.Andtalkaboutcojones.Theotherday,tohelptightenuphisone-liners,hewentdownintothesubwaywithavideocrewanddidalittlestand-upateachstop,allthewayfromTwenty-eighthStreetdowntotheBrooklynBridge.

thewayfromTwenty-eighthStreetdowntotheBrooklynBridge.Howcanhepossiblydothat?IthinkIknowtheanswer.Jameshasalreadydied,notoncebutseveral

times.Hehaslosteverything,rebuiltitoutofthinair,thenlostitagain,andrebuiltitoutofthinairagain.Hehasreinventedhimselfsomanytimeshe’sbecomelikeacatwithninety-ninelives.

Hereisoneofhissecrets:Hehasadailydiscipline,amentalchecklistthatincludes“takingownershipofwhateverhappenstome.”Hedoesn’tallowhimselftoblameanyoneoranything,justownsitashislife,hiscircumstance,thewayhe’screateditatthismoment—andthenaskshimself,“Okay,what’snext?”

IopenedthischapterwiththatfamousquotefromCrazyHorse,theLakotawarriorwholedhispeopletovictoryintheBattleoftheLittleBighorn.“Todayisagooddaytodie.”Why?Becausethesunisinthesky,theearthisabundantbeneathmyfeet,andI’mbreathingrichairinandoutofmylungs.I’mlivinginthepresentmoment,whichistosay,I’mgroundedineternity.Noregretsforthepast,noworriesforthefuture.Sun,ground,air:justlife,asitis.Asgoodatimetodieasany.

ANDDIEOFTEN

Sowe’vetalkedaboutdeath,butlet’sreallytalkaboutit.Let’sputitrightoutonthetable.

You’regoingtodie.That’sjusthowitis.You’regoingtodie.AndIknowyouknowthat.Weall

knowit—intheory.Butuntilyoureallyknowit,knowitwithyourcells,inyourgut,witheverybreath,untildeathisrealandyourownimpermanenceisaconcrete,ever-present,palpablething,thendeathisstilllurkingunseen,whisperingitsthreatsandtauntingyoufromtheshadows.Whichmeansdeathstillhasmasteryoveryou.Tolivearichlife,youneedittobetheotherwayaround.

Youneedtohavemasteryoverdeath.Why?That’sareasonablequestion.Afterall,ifdeathdoesn’tcometillthe

end,thenwhyshoulditmattertodayhowyougreetitwheniteventuallycomes?Theansweristhatdeathisn’tsomethingthatcomesonlyattheend.It’swithyoufromthemomentyou’reborn.It’shoveringoveryourightnow.

Andisn’tthatwhatliesattheheartofsomanyofourmostcommonfears?Notjusttheobviousones—fearofheights,fearofflying,fearofthedark—but

Notjusttheobviousones—fearofheights,fearofflying,fearofthedark—butsomanyothers,too,thatdon’tseemtobeconnectedtodeathinanyobviousway.

EarlierIposedthequestion:Inthefearofpublicspeaking,whatarewereallyafraidof?What’sthedangerthere?Theworstthatcanhappenisthatwe’lllookfoolish.AsJohnCleesesays,“ItisthegoalofeveryEnglishmantomakeitallthewaytohisgravewithoutbecomingembarrassed.”Butisn’tthatembarrassmentapre-echoofourownimpendingdemise?“Dyingonstage”maynotmeandyingliterally,butitisadeathofsorts—adeathtoourself-image,self-esteem,andego.Tooursenseofsafetyandidentity.

“Theobsessiveneedtoberight,”writesEckhartTolleinThePowerofNow,“isanexpressionofthefearofdeath.”Andwhatistheobsessiveneedtoberightbutanobsessivefearofbeingwrong?Tome,theabilitytofreelyadmityouwerewrongisthebeginningofmatureadulthood.Todoit,youhavetobewillingtodiealittle.

WhenIwasstartingHurricane,awealthyfriendtoldmesomethingaboutinvestment:youshouldalwaysinvest,hesaid,onlytheamountyouarepreparedtolose.Ibelieveyoucan’tbeatruly,hugelysuccessfulentrepreneurunlessyouarepreparedtoloseeverything,likeJamesAltucher.It’snoaccidentthattheaveragemillionairehasbeenthroughthreeorfourbankruptcies.

Wehaveasayinginthemilitary:whenyouenlistyouwriteablankcheckmadepayabletotheUnitedStatesofAmericaforanamount“uptoandincludingyourlife.”ThisiswhatalotofSpecOpstrainingisallabout.Youcomeface-to-facewithyourownmortality,andnotjustonce,butoverandover,likeBillMurrayinGroundhogDay.Youdiedozensoftimes,andkeepgoingeachtime,knowingthatoneofthesefinedays,you’lldieandstaydead—andthatuntilthatday,youarealive.

Tomasterfear,youhavetoletgooftheillusionofsafety,whichreallymeanslettinggooftheillusionofimmortality.Thetruthis,atsomepointyouwilldie,andyoudon’tknowwhen,soyouhavetobereadyrightnow—soyoucantakeabreath,andlive.

By“dieoften,”Imeandevelopthepracticeofstoppingeverythingyou’redoingforamomentandaskingyourself,“IfIdied,rightnow,thisminute,wouldIbeokaywiththat?”

Ifwe’rehonestwithourselves,oftentheansweris“No!”Becausetherearetoomanyproblemswehaven’tsolved,ambitionsstillunfulfilled,dreamsstillunchased,toomuchaboutourlivesthatwehaven’tfiguredoutorhadthechancetoexploreandenjoyyet.We’recaughtupwiththeunresolvedpastand

chancetoexploreandenjoyyet.We’recaughtupwiththeunresolvedpastandtheuncertainfuture.We’relikeSt.Augustine,whoasayoungmanprayedtoGod:“Lord,makemechaste—butnotyet!”

Asyoumasteryourfears,you’llfindthat,likeCrazyHorse,youcanaskthatquestion,“IfIdiedtoday,wouldIbeokaywiththat?”andanswertruthfully:“Yes.It’snotmyplanormyintentionormypreference—butifIdiedrightnow,thisminute?Sobeit.”

Andthenadd:“Meanwhile,hereIam!”

PRACTICEPOINTS

Onceyouhavepreparedasmuchaspossible,therecomesapointwhenyouhavetoletgoofwhatevercrutch,limitation,orsafetyblanketyou’vebeenholdingontothatkeepsyoufromdivingin.Youhavetorelinquishcontrol,cuttheapronstrings,kickawaythetrainingwheels.Toletgoofthecoconut.

Whenopportunitycomes,seizeit.Don’tgetstuckinendlessprep.Understandthatpracticeandrehearsalcantakeyouonlysofar;don’tlet“I’mstillgettingready”becomeanexcuseforfailingtotakeactionwhenthesituationpresentsitself.You’llneverbefully“ready.”

Tuneoutthebullshit,whetherit’scomingfromyourself,yourfriends,ordetractors.Don’tfightitorrespondtoit;justtuneitout,period.

Getoutoftheechochamber.Examineyourfear.Isitaboutachallengedirectlyinfrontofyou,inthehereandnow,orisitinreactiontoeventslongbehindyou?Areyoushadowboxingwiththedistantpast?

Ifyourfearisaboutaclearandpresentdanger,thenfliptheswitchandfocusonwhatpositiveactionsyoucantaketomeetthechallenge.

Ifitisapatternofreactiontoechoesofthepast,thenidentifythat—writeitdownifithelps—andletitgo.Andthenfocusonpositiveaction.Letthepastbeinthepast,thefutureinthefuture,andengageinthepresent.

Embracemortality.Letgooftheillusionofsafety,security,identity,ego,andimmortality.

Imaginethatinthisinstantyourlifeissuddenlyover.Yourconsciousnessishoveringoveryourdeadbody,lookingdown,reviewingthesituation.Howdoyoufeelaboutit?Areyoubasicallyokaywiththelifeyoulived?Ordoyoufeelstrongregrets,andifso,whatarethey?

Returningtoyourreallifeinthepresentmoment,whatstepscanyoutaketoengageandeliminatethoseregrets?

Repeatthisexerciseoften,untilyoufindyourselfatthepointwhereyoucanhonestlysay,yes,ifyoudiedtoday,rightnow,youcouldlookbackandsay,“I’mgood.”

W

4

JUMPINGOFF

Optimism,pessimism,fuckthat;we’regoingtomakeithappen.

—ELONMUSK,onhisgoaltoputarocketintoorbit

HATEVERJOURNEYYOU’REon,therecomesapointwhereyouhavetountietheboatandgo.Signthecontract,maketheannouncement,tellyour

toxicpartnerthatit’sover.Whateveritis,inyoursituation,it’stheactionthattakesyoupastthepointofnoreturn.Thesecondhandreachestwelve,thebuzzergoesoff.It’stimetojump,andwhenthathappens,there’sonlyonethingtodo.

Jump.Youcan’treasonyourwayintothissteporself-coachyourwaythroughit.

Youcan’tintellectualizeit.Paniccomesfromthebrainstem,andyoucan’ttalkthingsoverwithyourbrainstem.It’sgottobevisceral.It’sabouttakingaction.

Ifyouwaitforthefeartogoawayfirst,you’llneverdoit.Becausethefearisnevergoingaway.Therecomesamoment,though,whenthefearcrystallizesintoakindofstarkclarity.Whenyousuddenlyseeanopening,likeaquarterbackspottingaholeinthedefensivelinewherehecanrunforthetouchdown,oraperformerbackstagehearingthesuddenhushsecondsbeforethecurtaingoesup.

It’sthatmomenttheuniverserealignsitselfaroundyouandwhispersinyourear,“It’stime.”Andgivesyouanudgeintheass.

—ONEOFMYtoughestencounterswithfearhitmeinthefaceattwelvethousandfeet,whentheytoldmeitwasmyturntojumpoutoftheplane.

Itwas2004;I’dalreadybeenthroughtwodeployments,includingsixmonthsinAfghanistanrightafter9/11.BythistimeIwasbackstateside,

monthsinAfghanistanrightafter9/11.BythistimeIwasbackstateside,runningtheSEALsniperprogramwithEricDavis.Becauseofaflukeinscheduling,therewasoneessentialtrainingthatI’dmissedduringmyoriginalSEALtrainingworkupyearsearlier:high-altitudeparachutejump,alsoknownas“militaryfreefall.”

Thisshouldnothavebeenaproblem.Asakid,IwasbornwiththatsamedaredevilgenethateveryoneinSpecOpsseemstohave.Iwasalwaysclimbing,jumpingoffheights,doinginsanelyriskythings,drivingmymomtotheedge.SheoncegotsofrazzledtryingtoreinmeinandprotectmefrommyownwildnessthatshecalledSocialServicesandtoldtheladyontheotherendofthephonethathertwo-year-oldsonwasdrivinghersonuts,shewasafraidshewasabouttohurthim.(Sorry,Mom.)

What’smore,Ilovedbeingintheair.ForaslongasIcouldremember,I’dalwayswantedtobecomeapilot.MyearliestmemoryisofmymotherforcingmydadtotakemetoseeStarWarswhenitfirstcameout.Iwasthree.Hesaiditwas“sci-fibullshit”andwantednopartofit.Aftertakingmetoseeit,hewentbackhimselfandwatcheditagainfivetimes.(You’rewelcome,Dad.)By2004I’dtakencoursesatEmbry-RiddleAeronauticalUniversityandwouldsoonbegettingmypilot’slicense.

Sowhatwastheproblem?TheproblemwasthatI’dhadabadexperiencewithhigh-altitudejumps.

WhenIwentthroughSEALsniperschoolin2000,therewasaguyinourclass,MikeBearden,whomwealllookedupto.HewasoneofthenicestguysI’devermet,andatotalstud,justcrushedeveryexercise,everydrill,everystandard.Wecalledhim“theBear.”Afewweeksaftersniperschoolended,Mikewentoutformilitaryfreefalltraining,wherethey’dbejumpingoutofplanesattenthousandtotwelvethousandfeet.Ononeofthelastdaysofjumpschool,theBearranintoanymilitarytrainer’sworstnightmare:hismainchutegottangledinhisbackup.Hefoughtitallthewaytotheground.

Thiswasnowfouryearslater,andI’dbeenthroughagooddealofwartimeexperience.ButBearden’sdeathhadbroughtupabone-deepfearthatstayedwithme,andwouldcontinuetostaywithmeuntilIfacedit.

Iknewitwasnothingbutthathamsteronthewheel,thatstoryrunninginmyhead.Still,itwasn’tentirelyamade-upstory,right?Imean,Beardenwaspracticallyagodtous:notonlyanouststandingperformerbutanoutstandinghumanbeing.Iftherewasanyonewhoeverleastdeservedtodiebeforehistime,itwasMike.

Butithappened.AndifithappenedtoMike,whowastosayitwouldn’t

Butithappened.AndifithappenedtoMike,whowastosayitwouldn’thappentome?

Allthisranthroughmymindasourlittletwin-engineclimbedtotwelvethousandfeet,morethantwomilesabovetheearth’ssurface.Iwasreadyforthis,Itoldmyself.I’dtrainedforit.I’ddoneplentyoflow-altitudejumps.IknewwhatIwasdoing.

Butstill.Anotherguyinourjumpclass,whenhesawthatrearrampdooropen,got

rightbackintohisseat,hisbacktotheplanewall,andbuckledhimselfin.“Thehellwiththatshit,”hesaid.AsIsteppedaroundtheguyandovertotheopendoor,Iwonderedwhatwasgoingthroughhismind.Hadheneverreallymadethedecision,likesomanyofmyformerBUD/Sclassmateswhodroppedout?Didhehavesomedarkmemorycirculatinginhisownechochamber?Iwouldneverknow.Whateverthereason,though,onelookathisfacetoldmeallthatmattered:hehadletthefearclutchathimandwrestlehimtothefloor.Nojumpingforhimtoday.Orever,mostlikely.

Ifeltthatfearclutchatme,too,big-time,butinsteadoflettingitfreezeme,Igrabbedatitandmadeitmyfuel.BecauseIwasready.I’ddecided.I’dprepared.AndIhadletgoofthecoconut.

Ijumped.

MAKEAHABITOFASKINGFORWHATYOUWANT

Notthat“jumpingoff”isalwaysasdramaticasleapingoutofanairplaneattwelvethousandfeet.Sometimesit’sassimpleasaskingforhelp.

IrecentlygotintoaconversationwithanUberdriverwhowastakingmetotheairport.Iaskedhimhowhelikedhiswork.Hestartedtellingmeallaboutit.Hedidn’twanttobedrivinganUber;therewassomuchmorehewantedtodo.Hehadsomanygreatideas.Buttherewasthisproblem,andthatbarriertoentry,andsomeotherthingintheway.Hecouldn’tdothis,couldn’tdothat.Izonedoutonthedetails,butthemessagewasclear:Ican’tgetahead.Andit’snotmyfault.

“Hey,man,”Isaid,“youeverhearoftheSBA?”No,hehadnoideawhatthatwas.

ItoldhimabouttheSmallBusinessAdministration,andhowtheyhavethisfantasticlow-interestloanprogramforpeopleinexactlyhissituation.Howyoucanusealoantobuyorfundabusinessandbeoffandrunninginnotimeatall.

“Oh,myGod,”hesaid.“That’samazing!What’sitcalledagain?CanIemailyou?CanIreachouttoyouforthedetails?”

Now,Ihavenotalwaysbeenthemostpatientperson.I’vebeenworkingonchangingthat.IhadaconversationwithJairekRobbins,TonyRobbins’sson,andhesaid,“Hey,it’sgoodtogivealittletimeforup-and-comers,becauseyouwerethereyourselfonce.Spendtimewithyourpeergroup,andthenpushyourselftoalsodevotealittletimetopeopleontheirwayupwhoarehungrytolearn.That’sagoodmix.”

WhatJaireksaidsoundedrightandfeltright.SoIwantedtohelpthisguy,thisUberdriver.Hewasobviouslysmart.Anditwasclearthathewasambitiousandhadallkindsofideasforwayshecouldgetaheadintheworld.Therewasnoreasonhecouldn’tmakeasuccessoutofhimself.AndtherewasnoreasonIshouldn’thelphimdothat.

Idugoutmybusinesscardandgaveittohim.Explainedhowtoreachme.Toldhimtotakemeuponit,thatIwoulddefinitelyhelphimthroughtheprocess.Hetookthecardandthankedmeprofusely.

Andyouknowwhathedid?Absolutelynothing.Ineverheardfromhim.Notaword.Howmanytimeshassomethinglike

thishappenedtome?MoretimesthanIcancount.Youreachapointwhereyouhavewalkedrightuptotheedgeofthething

youwanttohavehappen,andallyouhavetodo,theonlyleapyouneedmake,istoask.Nojumpingoutofairplanes,nodivingoffcliffs,noplungingintothewaterinthemiddleofthenight.Nogettinguponstageanddoingstand-upcomedy,orspeakingtoaliveaudienceofthreemillion.Allyouneedtodoissay,“Iwantthis.Willyouhelpme?”

Butyoudon’task.Youstandattheedge,mute,waitingforthedoortoopen,butyoudon’tknock.It’satragedy.Andithappenseveryday,ineverycity,millionsoftimesaday.

ThatmomentatthedoorisoneofKamal’syellowarrows,whispering,“Thisway,thisway...”Butinsteadofmovingforward,yousittherewaitingforthelighttochange.Thelightisn’tgoingtochange.Youneedtochange.

ThethingthatmademesadaboutneverhearingfromtheUberdriverwasmysensethatthiswasnotthefirsttimehe’dbeeninthissituation,norwouldit

bethelast.Becausewhetheryoudaretomakethemove,orshrinkfrommakingthemove,eitherway,itsoquicklyandsoeasilybecomeshabitual.Whenyoureachthatjumping-offpoint,whetheryouknockonthedoororyoudon’t,whetheryoucallthenumberonthebusinesscardoryoujustletitsitinyourglovecompartmentgatheringdust,eitherwayithasjustbecomeapartofhowyouoperate.Overtime,howyouoperatestartstobecomewhoyouare.Ahabitofactionorofnonaction,andbeforeyouknowit,itaddsuptoalifetimeofexhilarationordisappointment,excellenceormediocrity,achievementormereexistence.

Daringtoask,orshrinkingfromasking:eitherway,itbecomesahabit.IheardafantasticstoryfromJerryYellin,myWorldWarIIfighterpilot

friend,thatwasthepolaroppositeoftheUberdriverstory.WhenJerrytookhisarmyentranceexamsasafreshlymintedeighteen-year-old,hepassedthementaltesteasilybutflunkedthephysical.Theproblemwashiseyesight:hehad20/30visioninoneeye.Heaskedhismom,whowasonthelocaldraftboard,ifshecouldgethimacopyoftheeyechart.Shedid,andhememorizedit,thenwentbackandpassedtheeyeexam.

Hewentthroughbasictraining,putintenhoursinaP-40,hadhisuniformsboughtandallreadytogo.Nowallhehadtodowastakethefinalphysical.Whenhegottotheeyetest,hefoundthey’dchangedthechart.Heflunked.Thedoctortoldhimhe’ddonesowellintrainingthattheyweregoingtograduatehimanyway,andhavehimflytransports.

“Sir,”saidJerry,“I’mafighterpilot,I’vegottenhoursinaP-40.I’mnotgoingtoflytransports.”

Thedoctorsaid,“You’llflyanythingItellyoutofly.”Jerryasked,“Whocanchangethat?”“Onlythecommandantofcadets,”thedocreplied.“HowdoIgettoseehim?”“Yougothroughthechainofcommand.”“Whatdoesthatmean?”“Itmeans,youaskmefirst.”“Sir,”saidJerry,“Iwanttoseethecommandantofcadets.”NextthingJerryknew,hewasstandinginanoffice,salutingthe

commandantofcadets.AfterJerryexplainedhissituation,thecommandantsaid,“Son,anybody’s

gotthegutstocometoseeme,you’reafighterpilot.”Youwantanythingdone,gotothepersonwhocanmakethatdecision—and

ask.

ask.Thishappenedtomemultipletimesinthemilitary.WhenIwantedtotryout

fortheSEALprogram,theguywiththeauthoritytoapprovemypackageturneditdown.Ihadtowaitsixmonths,thenresubmit—andthistime,whenhetriedtosabotagemeagain,Iwentstraighttohiscommandingofficer.Thepackagewasapproved.Yearslater,whenEricandIwererunningthesniperprogramandwehadabosswhowaswreakinghavocandsabotagingallourgoodwork,IwentoverhisheadtothemasterchiefinchargeoftheentireNavalSpecialWarfareCenter,knowingthatIwasriskingmyentiremilitarycareerdoingit.Withintwenty-fourhoursourbosswasgoneandIwasputincharge.Sometimesyouneedtotaketheriskandaskforwhatyouwant.

Doesthatmeanyou’realwaysgoingtogetwhatyouaskfor?No.Butifyoudon’task,theoddsofyourgettingitdroptoroughlyzero.Andwhenyoudoask,eveniftheanswerisno,you’reexercisingyourjumping-offmuscles.Changingwhoyouare.

Andyoudon’tneedtobeanaviatororaSEALtodothis.Athirteen-year-oldgirlcandoit.Iknow,becauseIwatchedher.

Mydaughterwantedoutofoneofherclassesinjuniorhigh.Itwasn’tthatshedidn’tliketheclass,itwasthatshethoughtitwasawasteoftime.Shedidnotbitchtoherclassmatesaboutit,orcomplaintoherparentsorFacebookfriendsaboutit.Shesentanemaildirectlytotheschoolprincipal,tellinghimwhichclassshewantedtoleave,andwhy,andthenspecifyinganotherclassthatshethoughtwouldbemorevaluable.

“ThisistheclassI’veidentified,”shewrote,“andIthinkIneedtobetransferredthere.”

Thefollowingsemester,shegotthetransfer.Wheredidshelearnhowtodothat?I’lltellyouwhere:fromme.I’vebeen

teachingmykidsthistheirwholelives:Ifyouwantit,youhavetoaskforit.Nobodyelseisgoingtodoitforyou.

Still,Idon’tthinkIwouldhavehadtheballstodothatineighthgrade.TheotherdaywewereatthePortlandairport,havingamealwhilewaiting

totakeaflighttogotomydad’swedding.Aswesatthereeating,myyoungersonGraysonsaid,“Oh,myGod,that’smyfavoriteplayer!”Welookedoverinthedirectionwherehe’dnoddedandsawthewholePortlandTimberssoccerteamsittingaroundafewtables,eating.TheTimbersareaverybigdealoutthereintheNorthwest.Graysonwasstarstruck.

IsatbackandwatchedasthisconversationwentdownbetweenGraysonandhissiblings.

“Grayson,”hisolderbrotherHuntersaid,“youhavetodothis.Ifyouwantit,you’vegottaaskforit.”

“I’llgowithyou,”addedOlivia,“butyouhavetoask.”AtthatpointIspokeup,too.“Look,buddy,”Isaid,“youdowhatyouwant.

Buttheseopportunitiesdon’tcomearoundveryoften.”Hegotup,wentovertothefirsttable,andasked.Thewholeteamgotup

fromtheirseatsandstoodaroundhimtotakeabiggroupphoto.Youshouldhaveseenthesmileonthatkid’sface.Itwasincredibletoseetheothertwonudginghimtogoaskforit,andtowatchhimstandupanddoit.

NowI’mnudgingyou:goaskforit.

HAVEFAITHINTHEABYSS

Whatmakesthejumpsofrighteningisthatyouarerelinquishingcontrol,throwingyourselfintothehandsoftheelements.Whetheryouarejumpingoutofaplane,leavingajob,enteringintoanewcontract,orpushingoutintothedeependofthepool,thereisasenseofhurlingyourselfoffacliffandintotheabyss.Itcanbeterrifying.

Yetsomethingamazinghappenswhenyoujump.Ifthedecisiongivesyouthecourage,thejumpgivesyouthepower.Youdiscoverabilitiesinyourselfthatwouldnothaveshownupinahundredyearsaslongasyouwerestillstandingonthecliffhesitating.

Itfeelsalittlelikeenteringatotallydarkroomandshuttingthedoorbehindyou.Totalblackness.Youfeelcompletelypowerlessandoutofcontrol.Butyou’renotpowerlessoroutofcontrol,becauseasdarkastheroomseems,thereisinfactasparkoflightinthere.Yourjobistofindit,andtrustit.

There’sareasonpeoplecallita“leapoffaith.”Youcanplanandpracticeandrehearse,butthereisalwaysanelementoflettinggothatreleasesyouintotheabysswhereeventsunfoldinawaythatnotrainingcanfullypredictorcontrol,andthisisthedomainnotofpreparationbutoffaith.Whenyoujump,youareheadingintotheabyss,andthere’snosolidgroundintheabyss,noterrafirma,nothingtostandonorholdonto,butfaith.

Don’tworry,I’mnotgoingtogetreligiousonyou.Thisisn’taboutreligion,orGod,oranysortofparticularspiritualviewpoint.Itisaboutfaith,though.Youcan’tjumpunlessyouhavefaith.Inwhat?

Inyourtraining,foronething.Intheintegrityandefficacyofyourpreparation.Inyourteachers,whohelpedyouprepare.Inyourself.Youare

preparation.Inyourteachers,whohelpedyouprepare.Inyourself.Youarereadyforthis.Andsure,ifyouwant:inGod,inkarma,inanoutcomethatservesthegreatergood.Whateveritis,finditandholdontoit.

Sometimestheonlythingyoucanfindtoholdontoisatrustinyourowndecision.Agreatexampleisthestockmarket.Thebiggestreasonmostpeopledon’tmakebigmoneyinthemarketisthattheycan’thandletheabyss.Whenpricesplummet,theypanicandsell.Butthatisexactlywhentheyshouldholdonandtrusttheiroriginaldecisiontobuythatparticularstock!Sure,it’sscarywhenyourstockpricegoeswaydown.Butthat’snotthetimetosell.That’sthetimetobuy.Thefearproducedbythedropisnotanalarmbelltellingyou“GETOUT!GETOUT!”—it’sasignpostwhispering,“Thisway,thisway,”pointingthewaytotheprize.

WhenKamalfeltthepanicoftheabyssinourfirstfewlessons,hewantedtosellouthisstockandgograbtheedgeofthepoolagain.Ishowedhimhowtotakeabreath,flipoverontohisback,andfloat.Togetbacktohishappyplace.

Havingfaithwithintheabyss,amidthepanicoftheplunge:that’syourhappyplace.

WhenHemingwayfelttoointimidatedtowrite,hewouldsaytohimself,“You’vewrittenbefore,youknowhowtodoit,sitdownandwriteonetruesentence—justonetruesentence.”Thenhewouldwritedownonetruesentence.Theunwrittennovelinfrontofhimmightbeaterrifyingabyss,butheheldontotheideaofwritingasinglesentence.Andafterthat,he’dwriteanothertruesentence.Polay,polay.Onesentenceatatime—withthefaiththatoncehejumped,thestorywouldbethere.

AfterfouryearsatthetraumacenterinupstateNewYork,myfriendKamalunderwentaradicalcareerchange,crossingthecontinentandplungingintotheventurecapitalworldofSiliconValley,wherehebecameinvolvedinsomeofthemostexcitingnewstart-upsintheheadyearlydaysoftheInternetboom.

Intheinvestmentworld,Kamaltellsme,theytalkabouthowastart-upislikejumpingoffacliffandthenbuildingyourplanewhileyou’reonthewaydown.Althoughhehasaslightlydifferentwayoflookingatit.“Iprefertheimagethatonthewaydown,yousproutwings,”hesays.“It’sbeenlikethateverytimegreatthingshavehappenedinmylife.I’vejumpedoffcliffs,andI’vefallenoffsometimes,andtobehonest,I’vegottenbruises.ButI’lltellyouwhat,atleasthalfthetimeyousproutwings.Andit’sthebestfeelingintheworld.”

OneofthebestexpressionsofthisI’veeverreadcomesfromaScottishmountaineer,WilliamMurray,whoservedintheBritisharmyduringWorldWarII,wascapturedbytheGermansin1942,andspenttherestofthewaryearsinprisoncamps.(Talkaboutanabyss.)

inprisoncamps.(Talkaboutanabyss.)Duringhisimprisonment,Murraybeganwritingabookonhispassion,

whichwasmountainclimbing.Theonlywritingsurfaceavailabletohimwasthecamp’sroughragtoiletpaper.HismanuscriptwasdiscoveredanddestroyedbytheGestapo.Murraywasbythispointsoweakfromthecrapdietandpoorconditions,hefigureditwasdoubtfulhewouldeverclimbagain.Still,hecouldwriteaboutit.Tohisfellowprisoners’amazement,hemethodicallystockpiledmoretoiletpaperandstartedthedamnbookalloveragain,startingfrompageone.

Thewarfinallycametoanend,andin1947thatsecondtoilet-papermanuscriptwaspublishedunderthetitleMountaineeringinScotland.Hailedasamasterpiece,ithelpedinspireapostwarrenaissanceinmountaineering.Andhedidclimbagain,too.In1951MurraywasdeputyleadertoaHimalayanexploratoryclimbalongwithacertaingentlemanbythenameofEdmundHillary.Whilehecouldn’tquiteacclimatetothehighaltitudeandthuscouldnotjointheteaminitsfinalclimb,Murray’sworkhelpedpavethewayforHillary’shistoric1953summitofMountEverest.

Someprisonersofwarwerecrushedbythecampexperience,theirspiritstotallybroken;somedied.Murrayhadaresolvethatreachedstraightthroughhisinternmentanduptothehighestpointontheplanet.Thereisnoforceintheuniversemorepowerfulthanadecidedmind.Inhis1951book,TheScottishHimalayanExpedition,Murraypennedapassagethathassincebecomeahugelypopularmotivationalquote:

Untiloneiscommitted,thereishesitancy,thechancetodrawback,alwaysineffectiveness.Concerningallactsofinitiative(andcreation),thereisoneelementarytruth,theignoranceofwhichkillscountlessideasandsplendidplans:thatthemomentonedefinitelycommitsoneself,thenProvidencemovestoo.Allsortsofthingsoccurtohelponethatwouldneverotherwisehaveoccurred.Awholestreamofeventsissuesfromthedecision,raisinginone’sfavourallmannerofunforeseenincidentsandmeetingsandmaterialassistance,whichnomancouldhavedreamtwouldhavecomehisway.

Whenyoumakeaclear,definitivedecision,yougainaccesstoresourcesthatyouwouldneverhavebeenabletotapotherwise.Courageisone;strengthisanother.Soarethe“unforeseenincidentsandmeetingsandmaterialassistance”

another.Soarethe“unforeseenincidentsandmeetingsandmaterialassistance”Murraytalksabout.

Howdoesthishappen?Ican’ttellyou.AllIknowis,itdoes.Kamalsaysyousproutwingsonthewaydown.AsMurrayshowed,you

sproutthemonthewayup,too.

DON’TLETANYTHINGSTOPYOU

Sometimeswhenitcomestimetojump,eventhoughyoumayfeeltheuniversegivingyouanudgeintheass,theworldaroundyoumaybeshoutingatyouthatyou’rewrong,you’renotready,youcan’tdoit.Sometimestheworldisright.Sometimes,though,it’swrong.That’sajudgmentcallthatonlyyoucanmake.

Howdoyouknow?Howdoyouknowwhentheimpulsetogoreallydoesmeanthemomenthasarrived,andit’snotjustyoubeingimpulsive?

It’sthattrust-your-gutthingagain.It’simportanttodoyourhomework,tolistentothevoiceofexperience,togetadviceandguidanceandwisdomfromthosewhohavegonebefore—butwhenthemomentarrives,youcan’tlooktotheevidencetotellyouifyoushouldjumpornot.Youhavetotrustyourself.This,too,islikeasetofmuscles,andtheonlywaytohoneyourjumping-offskillsistopracticethem.

Thinkbacktothelasttimeyouwerefacedwithago-or-nochoice,aforkintheroad:jumporbackoff?Whatdidyoudo?Whatwerepeoplearoundyoutellingyou?Withthebenefitofhindsight,didyoumakethebestchoice?Everytimeyoufaceajump-or-staychoice,observewhathappens,andevaluatecarefullyafterthefact.Learnfromyourownexperience,sothatyoucometorelymoreonyourowngutthanontheactionsandopinionsofthosearoundyou.

InMay1927ayoungaviatornamedCharlesLindberghmadehistorybypilotinghismonoplaneacrosstheAtlantic.Lindbergh,ofcourse,becameanAmericanhero,tickertapeparadeinNewYorkCity,Timemagazine’sveryfirst“personoftheyear,”thewholeninethousandyards.HealsoinspiredayoungmechanicnamedDouglasCorrigan.

DouglasworkedforthecompanythatbuiltLindbergh’splane;infact,heinstalledthefueltanksandinstrumentpanelandassembledthewings.HewantedtosolotheAtlantic,too.Douglaswasafirst-generationAmerican,andsincehisfamilyhadcomeovertotheUnitedStatesfromIreland,thatwouldbehisdestination.

Hisplandidfaceafewproblems,though.Forexample,hedidn’thaveaplane.Orapilot’slicense.Oranymoney.Hegotthelicense,startedabusinesstakingpassengersupforrides,andeventuallyboughthimselfhisownlittlemonoplane.In1935,heappliedforpermissiontotheBureauofAirCommerce(predecessoroftheFAA)forhisproposedIreland-boundtrip.Theysaidno,hisplanewasn’tuptoit.Heworkedontheplane,appliedagain,gotanotherno,thenappliedfivemoretimesandgotturneddownfivemoretimes.

Heneverdidgetayes.Buthedidn’tletthatstophim.InJuly1938,Corrigantookoffinathickfogonascheduled,approvedflight

fromNewYorktoCalifornia.Exceptthatheflewintheotherdirection.Andlandedabouttwenty-eighthourslaterinDublin.Whenflightofficialsquestionedhim,hetoldthemhe’dgottenmixedupinthefog,misreadhiscompass,andsimplyflownthewrongway.Theygrilledhimforawhile,andhekeptrepeatingthesameanswer.Finallyhejustshruggedandsaid,“That’smystory.”

WhenhereturnedtoNewYork(byboat)hewasgreetedasahero.TheNewYorkPostprintedagiantheadlinesaying,“HAILTOWRONGWAYCORRIGAN!”—withthelineofprintrunningbackward,righttoleft.HewascelebratedwithatickertapeparadeupBroadwaywithmorethanamillionpeopleliningthestreetsofManhattan—acrowdseveraltimeslargerthanLindbergh’s.

Thenickname“WrongWay”Corriganstuckwithhimfortherestofhislife.Tome,though,thatmissesthepoint.Tomethepointisnotthathedisobeyedtheauthoritiesandflewoffintheoppositedirectionfromhisapprovedflightplan.It’sthathewashell-bentoncrossingthefreakingAtlanticOcean,andnothingwasgoingtostophimfromdoingit.Hestoodonthecliff,heardallthereasonswhyhecouldn’tjump.Andthenjumped.

Lindberghhadfinancialbacking,corporateresources,abrand-newplaneinmintcondition,andpermission.Corriganhadnoneofthosethings.Hisplanewasawreckhe’dpickedupsecondhandforasong,withanenginehecobbledtogetherfromtwooldWrightengines,andfiveextrafueltanksthatcompletelyblockedhisforwardview.Someofthepartswereheldtogetherwithbalingwire.Duringhiscross-Atlanticflighthislittleplanedevelopedaseriousgasleak,whichhe“fixed”bypunchingaholeinthecockpitfloorwithascrewdrivertolettheexcessfueldrainintotheocean.AndhecrossedthefreakingAtlantic.

Talkaboutaleapoffaith.Corrigan’sstoryisagreatillustrationofjumpingoff,butIincludeitherefor

apersonalreason,too.Recentlymymomwasdiggingintoourgenealogyandfamilyhistory,andshediscoveredthatherfamily,likesomanyothers,

immigratedtothiscountryfromEuropeacenturyago.Hergreat-grandmother’scousinwasaguynameCorrigan.

Yes,thatCorrigan.Kamalsayseveryonehasasuperpower.“Brandon,”hetellsme,“yoursis

thatyougetshitdone.”I’dalwaysassumedthatcamefrommyfather,thatabilitytomakeadecisionandthenfollowthroughcomehellorhighwater.We’regoing.Turnsout,itrunsinmymom’ssideofthefamily,too.

CHOOSELIFE

I’vetoldyouaboutmycolossalbusinessfailurein2011,andthedarkplaceIfoundmyselfinitsaftermath,andhowIpulledmyselfoutofthatdarkplace.Butthere’ssomethingaboutthatepisodeIdidn’tmentionyet,anditmightbethemostsignificantelementofthatwholestory.Intheprocess,Ilearnedsomethingfascinatingaboutfailure.IcametoseefailureasquitedifferentfromthemonsterinthedarkI’dbeenafraidof.Becausethatfailureprovedtobeanexperienceworthmillions.

InthecourseofbuildingWindZero,Iraised$3.8million,dilutedmyselfto28percentequity,learnedhowtoleveragedebt,learnedaboutprivateequitygroupsandventurecapitalangels,negotiatedthepurchaseofathousandacresofrealestate,putthatrealestateprojectthroughacomplexentitlementprocessthattookthreeyearsandrequiredthatIpoliticksuccessfullywiththelocalboardofsupervisorsandothercommunityleaderstogetthewholethingapproved.Yes,iteventuallygotscuttledandsunk.Butman,whataneducation!Thatwholeexperiencegavemeahard-core,school-of-hard-knocksMBA,includinglessonsIwouldneverhavelearnedinbusinessschool.Asaresult,IknewenoughabouthowbusinessworksthatifIlosteverythingtomorrow,IcouldgoapplyforanSBAloanthenextday,buyacash-flow-positiveoperation,andbebackinbusinessthedayafterthat.

Ialsolearnedthatfearoffailurecaninsomewaysbeafaçade,aconvenientexcuseforwhat’sreallygoingon—andthatwhat’sreallygoingoncanbequitetheoppositeofwhatitseems.Youdon’tdosomethingbecauseyou’reafraidofwhatmighthappenifyoufail,andwhocouldblameyouforthat?Butyou’dbeamazedhowoftenwhatseemslikefearoffailureisreallyfearofsuccesshidingbehindthecamouflage.

Sure,whatifyoufail?Butwhatifyousucceed?Whatthen?Iwasafraidtowritemyfirstbook,notbecauseIthoughtitwouldn’tsellbut

Iwasafraidtowritemyfirstbook,notbecauseIthoughtitwouldn’tsellbutbecauseIthoughtitwould,andIdidn’twanttobejudged.Guesswhat?Itdid,andIwas.That’spartofsucceeding.Itusedtokeepmeupatnight.Itdoesn’tanymore.Youjusthavetoknowthatsucceeding,likefailing,comeswithitsownbaggage.Themoreyoudealwithit,thebetteryougetatit.Everytriumphyoubringwithyou,justlikeeveryfailure,becomesapartofyourtoolkitforthenexttimearound.

TheodoreRooseveltgaveaspeechoncethatI’vealreadyquotedintwootherbooks(TheKillingSchoolandTotalFocus),butit’sworthquotingathirdtime:

Itisnotthecriticwhocounts;notthemanwhopointsouthowthestrongmanstumbles,orwherethedoerofdeedscouldhavedonethembetter.Thecreditbelongstothemanwhoisactuallyinthearena,whosefaceismarredbydustandsweatandblood;whostrivesvaliantly;whoerrs,whocomesupshortagainandagain,becausethereisnoeffortwithouterrorandshortcoming;butwhodoesactuallystrivetodothedeeds;whoknowsgreatenthusiasms,thegreatdevotions;whospendshimselfinaworthycause;whoatthebestknowsintheendthetriumphofhighachievement,andwhoattheworst,ifhefails,atleastfailswhiledaringgreatly,sothathisplaceshallneverbewiththosecoldandtimidsoulswhoneitherknowvictorynordefeat.

AfewyearsagothatquotewasmadepopulartoawholenewreadershipbysocialworkresearchprofessorBrenéBrownwhenshetitledherbestsellingbookDaringGreatly.Inthatbook,indirecthomagetoTR,shewrites:

Whenwespendourliveswaitinguntilwe’reperfectorbulletproofbeforewewalkintothearena,weultimatelysacrificerelationshipsandopportunitiesthatmaynotberecoverable,wesquanderourprecioustime,andweturnourbacksonourgifts,thoseuniquecontributionsthatonlywecanmake.Perfectandbulletproofareseductive,buttheydon’texistinthehumanexperience.

Agreatnumberofcommonfearstracebacktofearoftheunfamiliar.That’swhatlurksbehindalotofprejudiceandintolerance:hostilityasanexpressionoffear.Fearofthedifferent,theother,theunknown.

Justwhatisthat?Ithinkfearoftheunknowngoeshandinhandwithbeingattachedtothe

knownandthefamiliar,tobeingcomfortableinyourroutine.Facingtheunknownmeansyouwillprobablyhavetoadapt,whichmeanstochange.Togrow.

Inaword:tobealive.Inchapter3Isuggestedthatmanyofourcommonfearsarereflectionsofthe

fearofdeath.Andyes,Youaregoingtodieisaterrifyingthought,buthere’swhatmightbeforsomeanevenmoreterrifyingthought:Meanwhile,you’regoingtokeepliving.

“Thefearofdeathfollowsfromthefearoflife,”saidMarkTwain.“Amanwholivesfullyispreparedtodieatanytime.”

Fearoftheunknownishuge.Inthefaceofthatkindoffear,thereisahumaninstincttoinventanarrativethatmakessenseoutofitall.Soweinvesttimeandenergyincreatingandtellingourselvesstoriesthatareprobablynotentirelytrueandareoftenlimiting.Weallknowsomeonewho,basedpurelyontheirabilitiesandtalents,shouldbemoreaccomplishedthantheyare,butthey’vepaintedthemselvesasthevictimoflifeandinternalizedittothepointthatitbecomesaself-fulfillingprophecy,thefabricofself-sabotage,mediocrity,andchronicunderachievement.Afraidofsuccess.Afraidofliving.

Jumpingoffisanaffirmationofliving.Really,jumpingoffisliving.

PRACTICEPOINTS

Youcan’treasonortalkyourwayintothisstep.Andyoucan’twaitforthefeartogoaway,oruntilyoufeel100percentready,becauseneitherisevergoingtohappen.Whenthemomentcomes,itcomes,andatthatpointit’saboutaction,period.Preparationislogical,rational,andmethodical.Jumpingoffisvisceral.

Don’tletanythingstopyou.Thinkbacktothelasttimeyoumadeabolddecision,butthenhesitatedbeforetakingaction.Didyouequivocate,second-guessyourself?Howlong

didyoustayinthatplace?Wasitbecauseyouwerestillgenuinelyworkingthroughthedecision,orwereyousimplyhesitatingforhesitation’ssake?

Thinkbacktothelasttimeyouwerefacedwithariskyourgutwastellingyoutotake,butpeoplearoundyouweresaying“Don’tdoit!”Whatdidyoudo?Withthebenefitofhindsight,didyoumakethebestchoice?Sometimestheworldisright,butsometimesit’swrong,andonlyyoucandecide.

Resolvethatthenexttimeyoufindyourselfinthathesitantgapbetweendecisionandaction,youwillcutthemomentshort—andsimplyact.Ifyouaregenuinelynotsureandneedmoretimetoconsiderthedecision,thenstepfirmlybackfromtheedge,climbdownfromthedivingboard,andtakewhateverstepsyouneedtotakeinordertoprocessthedecision.Butonceyou’reasdecidedasyou’regoingtobe,thenrefusetoallowyourselftheluxuryofgratuitoushesitation.Justjump.

Makeahabitofaskingforwhatyouwant.Whetherit’sacareeradvancement,anewposition,assistance,orafavor,practiceaskingforwhatyouwant.Don’twaitforthelighttochangefromredtogreen.Bethegreenlight.

Youwon’talwaysgetwhatyouaskfor;however:

Ifyounevermaketherequest,yourchancesofgettingitdroptonearzero;

Developingthehabitofaskingmakesyouamoredecisiveandaction-orientedperson;

Makingclearrequestsfostersgoodcommunicationwithothersandalsohelpstoclarifyinyourownmindwhatitisyouwant.

Havefaithintheabyss.Findsomethingyoucantrust,somethingyoucanholdontointhefaceoftheuncertaintyofthejump.Trustinthestrength,quality,andintegrityofyourpreparation.Trustinthedecisionyou’vemade.Trustyourjudgment.Trustinanoutcomethatservesthelargergood.

Inthefaceofataskthatseemsoverwhelmingorinsurmountable,findamanageableelementthatyoucangrasp—Hemingway’s“onetruesentence”—andexecutethat.

Whenyouaresureyoucan’tgoanyfurther,takejustonemorestep.Andthenjustonemore.Polay,polay.

S

5

KNOWINGWHATMATTERS

Livesremaining:Zero.—ALEXISOHANIAN,cofounderofReddit

OLET’SSAYyou’vecomethisfar.LikeKamal,you’vemadethedecisiontomasterfearandtakethiscourseofaction,whateveritmaybe.Totakeon

thischallenge,confrontthisnextlevel,openthisnewchapterinyourlife.You’veagreedtocomemeetmeatthepooleveryday,andwe’vespentafewdaystogether.

You’verehearsed.Youstartedoutinyourcomfortzone,practicedthefundamentalelementsofthechallenge,andgraduallystretchedthelimitsofyourabilities,pushingyourselftotheedgeofyourcompetenceandbeyond.You’reasreadyasyoucanbe.

You’venowletgoofthewall,whateverwallitwasthatyouwereholdingonto.Andyou’rereadytojumpoff—topushoutintothedeependandswim,toruntotheedgeandcannonball.

Butyou’renotmoving.Fearstillholdsyousolidlyinplace,staringatthebusinesscardbutnotplacingthecall,standingstationaryattheedgeofthedivingboard,frozenontheprecipiceofaction.What’smissing?

Onlythemostimportantpieceofthepuzzle.EarlierIsaidthatthewholeprocessofmasteringfearstartswithadecision.

Andthat’strue.Commitmentdoesn’tcomeoutofcourage;it’stheotherwayaround.Youmakeyourdecision,andthecouragetoseeitthroughthenarisesoutofthatdecision.Butwhenyoufirstreadthatbackinchapter1,theremayhavebeenaquestionnaggingatthebackofyourmind:“HowdoIknowwhichdecisiontomake?Ifthecouragetofollowthroughcomesoutofthedecision,whatgivesmetheabilitytomakethatdecisioninthefirstplace?”

Ifyouhadthatquestion,here’syouranswer:knowingwhatmatters.That’sthekeythatunlockstheactionatthetipofthedivingboard,that

punchesinthenumbersonthekeypadandpressesSEND.Themagicthatsetsyoursynapsesfiringandmusclesengaging,thatturnsitallintotheactionthattakesyouallthewaytotheprize.

Youmightbetemptedtothinkthisstepshouldreallycomefirst,beforeeverythingelse,aschapter1.Andyouwouldn’tbewrong,becausebeingclearonwhatmattersiswherethebestdecisionscomefrom.Masteringfearstartswithadecision;knowingwhatmatterstellsyouwhichdecisiontomakeandgivesyouthestrengthtomakeit.

ButI’vesavedthischapterforlastfortworeasons.First,inpracticalrealitythat’softenhowitworks.Oftenit’sonlyinthose

momentsofextremeduress,thosetimeswhenwe’restaringanabyssinthefaceorconfrontingachallengethatseemsinsurmountable,thatwesuddenlyfindthatcrystalclarity:Thisiswhatmatters—andnothingelsereallydoes.Whenpeopletalkaboutgoingthroughalife-threateningcrisisandsay,“Inaninstant,mywholelifeflashedbeforemyeyes,”theyaren’tkidding.It’sthebraindoinganon-the-spotcomprehensivefilereview:“Ifmylifeisabouttoend,IneedtodoanimmediatereplayoftheentiredamnthingsoIknowexactlywhatitisI’mfightingtohangonto.”

I’vealsosavedthisstepforlastbecauseitisthemostimportantofthefive,andIwantedittostaywithyoulongafteryouturnthelastpageandclosethecover.Becausehereisthebottomlineonfear:Ifyoudon’tknowwhatmatters,fearwilltakeover,pinyou,andholdyoudown.Ifyou’recrystalclearonwhatmatters,fearwillpropelyouforward.It’sreallythatsimple.

Therestofitallhelps:thedecision,therehearsal,thelettinggo.Learningtotrustyourgut.Listeningtothevoiceofexperience.Keepingthesharksoutofyourhead.Allofthatisimportant.Butthistakesprecedence.Ifyouhadtoputyourfingeronasinglefocalpoint,asinglestrategy,asingleactionyoucouldtaketomasteryourfear,itwouldbethis:Getclearonwhatmatters.

THEMOSTIMPORTANTSTEP

OnedayinearlySeptember1996,LeoRusselldecidedtogoforaswim.HurricaneEdouard,theseason’sstrongeststorm,hadjustpassedupthemid-

Atlanticcoast,doingfarlessdamagethanpredicted.InDelaware,whereLeowasvacationingwithhisfamily,thestormclosedthebeaches,butthatwas

wasvacationingwithhisfamily,thestormclosedthebeaches,butthatwasaboutit.Infact,LeohadjusthadarunduringthestormandwasnowstandingaloneonBethanyBeach.

Aswimwouldfeelgood.Leoisnotwhatyou’dcallafitnessnut,hasneverbeeninthemilitary;he

describeshimselfas“anormalguywhohaslivedaveryordinarylife,”atleastintermsofphysicalchallenges.Notthathischildhoodwas100percenteasy.Hisdadwasanold-school,hard-drinkingIrishmanwhomarriedhisBrazilianmotherknowinghehadcancer.AweekpastLeo’sseventhbirthday,RussellSr.died.“ThatwasahappydayfortheRussellfamily,”saysLeo.Theoldmanwasonetoughsonofabitch.BecauseofLeo’smother’siffyimmigrationstatus,thekidsweretakenawayfromherandputinfostercareforawhile.Onceshemanagedtoreclaimthem,thefamilybouncedaroundfederalhousingforsixorsevenyears,thenfinallyleftthecountry.(“Wewereinvitedtoleave,”asLeoputsit.)

HespenttherestofhischildhoodinBrazil,goingtoanAmericanschool,theneventuallyrepatriated,pursuingacareerinbusiness.Leohasaknackforsortingthroughthingsandsolvingproblems,andheleveragedthatgifttophenomenallysuccessfuleffect.HeranventurecapitalforLehmanBrothers,servedasCIOandEVPatYoung&Rubicam,andfoundedPrideGlobal,oneofthelargeststaffingcompaniesintheworld,wherehecontinuestodayasCEO.ImethiminNewYork.WhenIdecidedIwantedtoupmygameandtakemymediacompanyfrombeinga$100millionbusinesstoa$1billionbusiness,LeowasoneoftheguysIturnedto.

Roughstartnotwithstanding,byLeo’saccounthehaslivedablessedlife.Super-successfulinbusiness,hehasbeenhappilymarriedforfortyyearsandhasthreewonderfulkids.He’sneverbeenincombat,neverbeenmuggedorrobbed,neverevenbeenpickedonintheschoolplayground.It’sinthatway,heclarifies,thatheseeshimselfasentirelyordinary.

“You’reatoughguy,Brandon,”hetellsme.“I’myourantiparticle.Iamnotatoughguy.Idonotwalkintoabarwithpiratesandtaketheirbootyaway.Iwon’tevengoupinyourplane.”(It’strue:I’vetried.Herefuses.)“I’veneverreallyexperiencedwhatyou’dcalldeepfear,thekindwhereyouliterallyfearforyourlife.

“Well,”headds,“exceptjusttheonce.”ThisSeptemberdayin1996wastheonce.StandingonthatDelawarebeach,Leolookedaround.Theworstofthe

weatherwaslongpast.Hestrodeintothesurfandlaunchedhimselfintothewater,bodysurfingalongthecoast.Itfeltgreat...untilitdidn’t.Suddenlythe

surfsurgedunderhim.AgreatwavepickedLeoupandflippedhimover,slamminghimagainstarockoutcroppingandcrushinghisrightleg—acompoundfracture,ashewouldlaterlearn,thattookaboutaninchofboneoffhisleg.

Inaninstant,Leowascrippled.Andalone.Therewasnooneelseonthebeachformiles.

Inamomentlikethis,yourphysiologyfacesanabruptchoice,aneurologicalandendocrineforkintheroad:PANICorCALM?Thenaturalresponseistopanic,toletadrenalinehaveitswaywithyouandplungefullboreintothrash-and-strugglemode.Typically,inasituationsuchasthis,thatisexactlytheresponsethatleadstoarapidandquiteunpleasantdeath.

Leofelthimselfslippingintopanic.Andthenasinglethoughtshotthroughhim,quickasaboltoflightningand

justaselectric.Inaninstant,allhismentalandphysiologicalreponsesswitchedoverfromPANICtoCALM.

Allatonce,hefoundhimselfabletoassessthesituation.Therewasnowayhecouldbeattheforceoftheundertow.Hesawthatifhekeptflailingandtryingtoswimthroughthewavestowardshore,hewouldjustbecarriedfartherout.However,hereasoned,ifhelethimselfsinkallthewaydowntothebottom,andgrabbedenoughvegetationtoanchorhimselftotheoceanfloor,hemightbefarenoughunderthecurrenttowherehecouldpullhimselfalongtowardshore.Heimplementedtheplan:helethimselfsink,grabbedwhatflorahecould,andbeganmoving.Hehadtosurfaceatintervalsforair,buteachtime,helethimselfsinkagainandmanagedtocrawlbackunderthewaves,digginginwheneverthecurrentgotstrongerandtheninchingforwardwhentheforcereceded.Eventuallyhemadeittoshore.

Sohere’swhatIwantedtoknow:Howthehelldidhepullthatoff?Nodoubt,partofitwasLeo’slongtraininginsittingwithaproblemand

dispassionatelydeconstructingit.That’stherehearsalpart.Butawell-trainedmethodicalmindsetdoesn’texplainit,notfully,becauseuptothispointinhislifehe’dhadzeroexperienceinfacingorrespondingtoanykindoflife-threateningcircumstance.Noneofhistraininginbusinesshadpreparedhimforaphysicallygruelingsituationlikethis.Sowhatgothimthrough?Whatwasthatsinglethoughtthatflashedthroughhismind,instantlyresettingallhisswitchesfromPANICtoCALM?

Itwasthis:hiswifeandtheirthree-week-oldson,atthehousewherethefamilywasstayingafewmilesaway.

“Ihadkindofacrazyupbringingmyself,”saysLeo.“IcompensateforitbytryingtobethebesthusbandandfatherIcanbe.AndIhadtoshowupformykid’sfirstbirthday.”Thatwasthelightningboltthatshotthroughhisnervoussystemandswitchedhimfromapanickedresponsethatwouldhavespelledhisdeathtothemeasuredresponsethatsavedhislife.

Ihavetobethere.Leodidn’tneedtothinkaboutit.Hedidn’thavetomakeupalistofcore

valuesandthenweighandsortandrankthem.Thiswasn’taconceptualthing.Itwasbone-deepandinstantaneous.Therewasnothingmoreimportantthanbeingathisson’sfirstbirthday.Nothing.

Thefearwassostrongitnearlyparalyzedhim.Thedrivetoseehissonagainwasstronger.

Andthat’showitisforyou,forme,andforeveryoneofus.Weallexperiencefear—butforeverysingleoneofusthereisalsosomethinginourlivesthatisstronger,thatmattersmore,thatwillalwayswinoutandcarrytheday.

Wejusthavetoknowwhatitis.

KEEPMONEYINPERSPECTIVE

LastyearmyfriendJamesdidsomethingunexpected.Which,JamesbeingJames,shouldhavecaughtnobodybysurprise,butitdid.Hegotridofallhisstuff.Imean,everything.Hehungontoafewoutfits(pants,shirts,shoes),andalaptopandaphone.That’sprettymuchit.Thisisaguywhohaspocketedanot-so-smallfortunethroughhisinvestments,businesses,books,andotheractivities.Amultimillionairemanytimesover.

AnddidImentionhomeless?Technicallyspeaking,anyway.Jamesdoesn’thaveahouseorapartmentofhisown.Instead,helivesinAirbnbs,hereandthere.Nowhe’ssortofabrilliant,nerdy,Jewish,multimillionaireJackReacher(withouttheviolence).

Jamessays,“Igotridofeverythingbutmylaptopandmycuriosity.”Wonderinghowthingswork,learningnewknowledge,andsharingwhathelearnswithasmanyothersaspossibletohelpmaketheirlivesbetter:forJames,onthelistofwhat’simportant,that’srightatthetop.

Itoldyouinchapter3aboutmyfriendMariaandtheimmensehurdlesshefacedgettingherEmbroidMebusinessoffthegroundin2008.Fast-forwardsevenyears:by2015thebusinesshadbecomephenomenallysuccessful,with

sevenyears:by2015thebusinesshadbecomephenomenallysuccessful,witheverymajordesignhouse,namebrand,andstar-powercelebrityyoucanthinkofbeatingapathtoherdoorinManhattan.

Butnowshefacedanewdilemma.Asmuchasshelovedherbusiness,itwasn’thertruepassion.Thewholetime,she’dhadaprojectgoingontheside,creatingon-siteeventsatstoreswhereshewouldinteractwithcustomerstocreatetheirowncustomdesignsrightthereonthespot.Shelovedtheenergyofit.

Onedayshewastalkingtomeaboutthestressofjugglingthemboth,herhugelysuccessfulretailstorefrontandhertravelingpetproject.Istoppedher,thenaskedhertolookmerightintheeyesandexplainherEmbroidMebusinessinafewsentences.ThenIaskedhertodothesamewithheron-siteproject.Thetransformation,fromthefirstMariatothesecond,wasdramatic.

“Youseethat?”Isaidwhenshepausedforbreath.“Youseehowdifferentyouwerewhenyoudescribedeachone?Yourvoice,yourfacialexpressions?Itwaslikeyouweretwodifferentpeople!”

Shesaw,allright.Itwasimpossiblenotto.“Sotellme,”Isaid.“Whichwouldyouliketobedoingeveryday?”“Wait,”shesaid.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Ican’tjuststopthestore—

I’mobligated.Ican’tjustgiveitup!”Sureshecould.Iknewitsoundedcrazy.Butwhenshedescribedheron-site

work,shepositivelyglowed.“Thatpassion,thatlevelofexcitement?”Itoldher.“Hell,I’dwanttobearoundthat.Anyonewould.That’swhatyouneedtobedoing.Dothethingthatmakesyoufeelalive.”Iencouragedhertotakethisthingshe’dbeendoingonthesideforyearstosupporther“real”businessandmakeabrandoutofit.

Soshedid.Sheputherbusinessupforsaleandbegangettingsomedecentoffers,buttheyallincludedclausesthatwouldhavekeptMariaon,runningthebusinessforthenewownersforyears,whichwastheoppositeofwhatshewanted.Shecouldn’tfindtherightbuyerortherightdeal.Finallyshedecidedshehadtogetheregooutofthepicture;shehadtostopfixatingonthenumbershewantedandjustletgoofthebusiness.

Shegaveherbusinesstoanewowner.Idon’tmeanshesoldit.Imeangave.Asin,forthetotalpurchasepriceof

zero.Ahighlysuccessful,thriving,multimillion-dollarManhattanbusiness.Andshegaveitaway.Themoney,theego,theownership—noneofthatmattered,comparedwiththefeelingMariagotfromworkingdirectlywithpeopleone-on-oneinheron-sitework.Mariagotclearonwhatwasimportant.

Iwassittingnexttoherthedayshedesignedhernewcompany’swebsite.

Iwassittingnexttoherthedayshedesignedhernewcompany’swebsite.I’veneverseenherhappier.

Don’tgetmewrong.Themoralofthisstoryisnot“Moneydoesn’tmatter.”Ofcourseitmatters.Itmattersalot.I’msureyou’veheardthisone:“Moneycan’tbuyhappiness.”Biggestcrockever.Moneycanputgoodfoodonthetable,buyyourkidsclothes,payforagreattripyoucantaketogether,buyyouabetterhomethat’ssaferandmorecomfortableandmoreenjoyabletowakeuptoeveryday,maybeinacityyoulove,orinthecountrysideyoulove,orsomeplacewithmountains,ortheocean,oralake.Moneycanbuyyouticketstoafantasticshow.Moneycanpayforthesurgeryyourcousinneeds,oryourfather,oryourkid,orafriend.Moneycanpayforartlessons,skydivinglessons,amuseumtourofEurope,askitriponthebackofMontBlanc.

Moneycan’tbuyhappiness?Bullshit!Moneycanbuyatonofhappiness.Butonlyifyoualreadyknowwhat’simportant.Whatmoneycan’tdoisfigurethatoutforyou.

DON’TLETTHEGLITTERDISTRACTYOU

Moneyisnottheonlythingthatcandistractyoufromwhatreallymatters.Thereareallsortsofthingsinyourworldthatcandothat.

WhenKamalmovedtoSiliconValleyearlyinhiscareer,heknewessentiallynothingaboutthetechbusinessorhigh-stakesinvestment.Hejustshowedupandjumpedoffthatparticularcliff.Histimingwasexcellent.Hefoundastart-uptojoinandhelpedbuildthatcompany,whichendedupgoingpublicanddoingverywell.(Infact,itisoneofthefewfromthoseearlydot-comdaysthat’sstillaround.)Thatsuccessestablishedhisreputation.HebeganconsultingforCEOsofbigcompanies,andstartedafewhimself.Somedidbetterthanothers,butallinall,hiscareerwasplowingalongbeautifully.

“IthoughtIwashavingsuccess,”hesays.“Inallhonesty,though,therewasalotofegothere.”

ThenhestartedthecompanythatwasgoingtobeTheBigOne.Hefiguredthiswouldbehislasthurrah,theonethatwouldsethimupforlife.Hewasn’tjustgoingtomakemoney,hewasgoingtomakebuy-your-own-islandmoney.“WhatinSiliconValleytheycallfuck-youmoney,”hesays,“meaning,I’vegotsomuchmoneyIcandowhateverthehellIwant.Whichisallego,bytheway.”

Ratherthantakeanyoutsideinvestment,hebuiltthiscompanyfromscratchhimself,fundingithimself,pouringintoiteverythinghehad.Ittookoffandgrewlikecrazy,andthatmadehimwanttobuilditevenbigger,sonowinvestorsbeganjumpingin,andnowthingsreallystartedtotakeoff.

Youprobablyseewherethisisheading.Inthebeginning,Kamalwouldmotivatehisteambytellingthemabouthow

theyweregoingtotransformtheirindustry,andabouttheincredibledifferencetheyweregoingtomaketogether.Overtime,thatchanged.Soonhewasmotivatingthembytellingthemabouthowmuchmoneytheywereallgoingtomake.Adifferentvisiontranslatesintodifferentpriorities,whichyielddifferentdecisions.Youchoosedifferentpartners.Takedifferentcriticalactions.

Andofcourse,thethingblewup.Itblewuphardandmessy.“Andbecausemyegowassoattachedtoit,”saysKamal,“whenitblewup,I

blewupwithit.”ThetotalcollapseofthebusinessprecipitatedacrisisthatplungedKamalintothedepthsofillnessandnear-suicidaldespair,whichinturneventuallyledtohisresurrectionthroughtheprocesshedescribesinhislittlebookLoveYourselfLikeYourLifeDependsonIt.

Here’swhatcameoutofthatcollapse:anewclarityaboutwhatmatters.Lookingbackatthatcolossalmeltdown,Kamalrealizedthatthewholetime

hewasbuildinghiscompany,hewasattachedtotheoutcome.Hewasattachedtothesingulargoalofthatcompanysucceeding.Butthatwasn’twhatmattered.Hewasaimingatthewrongtarget.Whatmatteredwasnotwhathewasachieving,butwhohewasbecomingintheprocess.Alltherest—thesenseofaccomplishment,theaccolades,thepower,theprestige,andyes,themoney—allthatwasjustglitter.

Mostofuswillnevergothroughtheexperienceofcreatingamultimillion-dollarSiliconValleystart-up.Butwe’veallhadtheexperienceofreapingdifferentkindsofrewardsforourefforts,whetherlargeorsmall.Praisefromothers.Afinancialwindfall.Arushofpride,thrillofaccomplishment.Atitle,apromotion.Thelookonotherpeople’sfaceswhentheyareimpressedwithwhatyou’vedone.

Noneofthatisbad.Butit’sallglitter.It’sallwrappingpaperandribbons,notwhat’sinsidethebox.

What’sinsidetheboxiswhoyouarebecomingintheprocess.“Oneofthekeystoarichlifeistounderstandthatwearetheeffort,”says

Kamal.“We’renevertheoutcome.Andit’sironic,becauseifyoufocusontheeffort,onwhoyouare,onexpressingyourselfandputtingthatouttotheworld,

theoutcomewillbefarbetterthananythingyoucouldhaveplannedfor.Really.Guaranteed.”

DON’TLETTHESUFFERINGDISTRACTYOU,EITHER

Sometimesmomentsofextremeduresscanclarifywhatmatters,asthatmomentin1996didforLeoRussell.Sometimes,though,thestressofadversitycanfeelsobrutal,sodifficult,sosoul-crushingthatitthreatenstomakeyoufeellikejustgivingup,givingin,lettinggoofwhatmatters,andsettlingforwhatevershredsandremnantsoflifeyoucansalvage.Ornoteventhat.IntheUnitedStates,therearewelloverahundreddeathsbysuicideeveryday—morethanfortythousandayear.Andtherearetensofthousandsmorepeoplewhokeepwalkingandbreathingbuthavealreadygivenuponliving.

It’seasytobedistractedbytheglitteroffameandfortune.It’sjustaseasytohaveyourpersonalvisionblinkeredbythepainofeverydayexistence—andespeciallybythosemomentswhenthatpainrisestolevelsthatfeelintolerable.

IrecentlywenttoaYPOmeetingtohearatalkgivenbyNandoParrado,cofounderoftheUruguayanchapterofYPO.I’veheardalotofstoriesofhardshipandsuffering,butthisonetoppedthemall.ItwasoneofthebesttalksI’veeverheard.

NandowasacollegestudentinUruguaywhoplayedonhisschool’srugbyteam.In1972,asheandhisteamwereflyingacharteredturbopropovertheAndesontheirwaytoChileforamatch,theirplaneclippedamountaintopandrippedinhalf.Thebackportionoftheplanewassevered,killingeveryoneinsideinstantly,includingNando’smother,whowastravelingwiththem.Thefrontoftheplanebouncedoveronemountainpeak,launchedlikeaskippingstone,thenoveranother,landingonthedownslopeandskiddingdownasteepinclinebeforecomingtoastop.

“Onemoment,”saidNando,“you’rejokingwithyourteammates,thesekidsyou’vegrownupwith,kidsyou’veknownallyourlife.Everythingishappy.Andsuddenly,inamillisecond,it’snot.”ItremindedmeofKamal,talkingabouthisexperienceintheER,seeingallthosepeoplewho’dbeensuddenlybroughtface-to-facewiththefactthatsafetyisanillusion.

Thesekidshadneverbeeninsnow,neverseensnow.Theywerewearingtheirstreetclothes.NowtheywerestrandedsomewheredeepintheAndesatnearlytwelvethousandfeet.Nightcame,withfreezinghigh-mountain

nearlytwelvethousandfeet.Nightcame,withfreezinghigh-mountaintemperatures.Thenanotherday,andanight,andthenanother,andanother.OndayeightNando’ssisterdied;bythistimeonlytwenty-sevenoftheoriginalforty-eightpeopleontheplanewerestillalive.Ondayeleventheyfoundatransistorradioamongthewreckageandlearnedthatthesearchefforttofindthedownedplanehadbeencalledoff,theentirepartypresumeddead.Ondayseventeenanavalanchehit,killingeightmore.

Thestorywenton,andjustgotworseandworse.Thesurvivinggroupbeganstarvingtodeathandwereeventuallyforcedtoresorttocannibalizingtheirdepartedfriendsinordertostayalive.Aftertwomonths—twomonths—NandoandhisfriendRobertoCanessatookoffandhikedwhatturnedouttobemorethanahundredmilesbeforetheyeventuallyfoundhelp.Theywererescuedondayseventy;therescueeffortreachedtheotherswithinthenexttwodays.

Nandotalkedaboutthethefearoffreezingtodeath,ofstarvingtodeath,ofdyingalone.“Whenyouareyoung,”hesaid,“youfeelimmortal.”Suddenlythatillusionwasrippedaway.Everythinghadlostitsmeaning,andtheonlythingleftinitsplacewasfear.

AfterhereturnedtoUruguayandhadfullyrecoveredphysically,hefoundthosefearsallstillhauntedhim.Hewashomeandsafe,andtoallappearancesthehorrificeventwasbehindhim—butitstillhadhimparalyzedwithfear.Hewasalive,butnotliving.Finallyonedayhisfathersaid,“Nando,youcannotletthisdefineyou.Youhavetolookatthisexperienceasarebirth.You’vebeengivenanewlife.Nowyouhavetogooutandliveit.”

Sohedid.Hethrewhimselfintolifeasifhehadneverliveditbefore.He’dalwayswantedtoracecars;nowhebecameaprofessionalracecardriver.Hefellinlove,gotmarried,gaveupracingcars.Startedbusinesses,becameatelevisionpersonality,builta$100millionempire.Noneofittookawayhisfear.Overtime,though,alltheseexperiences,boththesufferingandtheglitter,putdying—andliving—intoadifferentperspective.

“ThenexttimeIfindmyselfdying,”hesaid,“IknowwhatIwillremember.Notmyfastcarsandbusinesses,contractsandbankloansandearnings,emailsandairports.IlikeaFerrari,anicedinner,thegoodthingsinlife.Butnoneofitmatters.Thewarmthofmydaughters’embraceatnightwhenIputthemtobed,orthequietpresenceofmywife,Veronique,nearme:Thesearemomentsthatwillnotberepeated.Thesemomentsarewhatisimportant.”

Eversincethedawnofstorytellingpeoplehaveaskedthequestion:Whydobadthingshappentogoodpeople?ScholarssaythestoryofJobisoneoftheoldestintheBible.WhydoesakidlikeNandoendupattwelvethousandfeetof

oldestintheBible.WhydoesakidlikeNandoendupattwelvethousandfeetofsnowinsneakers,losinghismotherandsisterandabunchofhisfriendsandexperiencingahorrormostofuscan’tevenimagine?

Whydoterriblethingshappentogoodpeople?Idon’tknow.Butmaybeithappens,inpart,todoforpeoplewhatitdidforNando:toclarifywhatmatters.

HearingNando’sstoryremindedmeofMan’sSearchforMeaning,ViktorFrankl’sstoryofsurvivalinaconcentrationcampinNaziGermany,oneofthemostinfluentialbooksofthetwentiethcentury.Ifyouaskedmetochooseasinglebookabouthowtodevelopyourselfasahumanbeing,howtogrowyourcharacterandlivearicherlife,Frankl’swouldbemyhands-downchoice.Fewhavechronicledastoryofgreaterhardshipormoreextremesufferingthanthisone.Theconclusionshecomesawaywitharefascinating.Hetalksaboutthegreateststrugglesthatfacethesurvivorsofcatastrophe(whichhenamesasbitternessanddisillusionment)andaboutthesalvationthatarrives,withoutfanfare,wrappedinsideeachmomentoflove,decency,andcompanionship.

Everyoneofusexperiencesloss.IknowIhave.AndIknowyouhave,too.FewofuswilleverknowsufferingonthelevelofaNandoParradooraViktorFrankl.Still,lossisloss.

Maybeyouexperiencedlossofafriendshipwhensomeoneyoutrustedbetrayedyou,orwhenyouwereyoungandafriend’sfamilymovedaway.Orperhapsyouhadagreatathleticcareeraheadofyou,butyoutoreyourkneeincollegeandhadtogointosomeotherfield.Youlostalotofmoney.Abusinesswentsouth.Abuddywentdownthedrugrabbitholeandnevercameback.Aparentdiedwaytooearly.Oryouhadachildwhodied.Oryourownchildhoodwasahorrorstory,andyounevergottoenjoythekindsofearlybondingexperiencesyou’veheardothersreminisceabout.Whateveritwas,you’vefeltthepainofloss.Hey,itgoeswiththeterritoryofhumanity.

Therearetwowaystogohere.Thelosscanbreakyou,oritcandeepenyou.Itcanmakeyoubitteraboutwhatyoudon’thave.Oritcanmakeyoumoredeeplyappreciatewhatyoudohave.Itcanclarifywhatmatters.

TREATEACHHOURLIKEIT’SWORTHMORETHANGOLD

AfterhearingNandospeakIwentbackhometomyplaceinNewYorkandsat,thinkingaboutwhathesaid.Ineededtohearthattalk.NowIfoundmyselfasking,“WhatamIdoing?”Overtheyearssincemymarriageended,I’dbeeninseveralseriousrelationshipswithamazingwomen.YetI’dbrokenoffeachone,

severalseriousrelationshipswithamazingwomen.YetI’dbrokenoffeachone,andforthelastfewyearsI’dbeendatingaseriesofyoungerwomen,knowingitwasn’tseriousandwasn’tevergoingtogetserious.Ihadtostopandask:What’simportanthere?Ishouldbelookingatdatingwithaneyetowardcreatingareal,long-termrelationship.

Really,therewasnotimetowaste.I’dforgottenthat.Nandoremindedme.Nandolearnedsomethingatagenineteenthathastakenmequiteafewmore

yearstolearn:thevalueoftime.Inthemiddleof2012,aftermyfirstbookcameout,Istartedworkon

anotherbook,amemoiraboutahandfulofSEALsI’dknownandworkedwithwhogavetheultimatesacrifice.TheideaforthebookwasinspiredbyMichaelBeardenSr.,fatheroftheBear,thefriendIdescribedinchapter4whoperishedinajumpexercise.Istartedadraft,andIwasinthemidstofwritingthatSeptemberwhenIgotthenewsthatmybestandclosestfriendintheworld,GlenDoherty,hadbeenkilledintheattackinBenghazi.

Allofasudden,thebookIwaswritingwasaboutmybestfriend.UptillthatmomentI’dfullyexpectedtobehangingoutwithGlenwellinto

oldage.I’dalwaysassumedthatitwouldalwaysbeGlenandme,goingsurfing,goingflying,havingcrazyadventurestogether,sittingaroundtalkingfrommidnighttilldawn,stayingintouchandhelpingeachotherinourcareersandlookingoutforeachotherinourlives.Wewouldbebestfriendsinourseventies.Hell,maybeoureighties.Whynot?

Andsuddenly,itwasallpasttense.Wewouldn’tspenddecadeshangingout;wewouldn’tspendevenanothertwominuteshangingout.Itwasover.

Themomentyou’reborn,thehandoftimestartsswinging,likeaswordofDamoclessuspendedoveryourheadbyasinglehair,andyoudon’tknowwhenit’sgoingtofall.Becausethereareonlytwothingsweknowforsure.Weknowthatwe’realive,righthere,rightnow.Andweknowthatatsomepoint,that’sgoingtoend.Whatwedon’tknowiseverythingelse.

Youcannotaffordtowasteasinglehour.AndI’mnottalkingaboutefficiency,oraboutbeingorganizedor

productive.WhenIsay“youcannotaffordtowasteasinglehour,”whatImeanisthis:togainmasteryofyourlife,youneedtotreateachhourasifit’stheonlyoneyouhaveleft.

ThatwastheconversationIhadthatdaywithmyfriendMaria,whenshewastalkingaboutthechallengeofjugglingtwodifferentbusinesses.“Whyareyoumakingyourselfmiserable?Godowhatmakesyouhappy!”

ItoldyouaboutthecourageittookmyfriendC.J.totakethestageandplaywiththeRamones,butIalsoneedtotellyouaboutthecourageittookhimnottotakethestagemorethanadecadelater.

In2001,fiveyearsaftertheRamoneshadfolded,C.J.hadthechancetotakeoverthevacantbassplayerpositionintheiconicbandMetallica.Hisplaceinrock-and-rollhistoryhadalreadybeensolidlyestablished,butforalltheircriticalsuccess,theRamonesneverhadthekindofboxofficesuccessthatsomeotherbandshad.BandslikeMetallica.TakingthatpositionwouldhavesentC.J.’scareerintothestratosphere.Buttherewasaproblem.C.J.’ssonhadautism,andhefeltitwasimportanttohavehistimefreetobethereeverydaywiththefamily,supportingtheirchild.Heturnedthepositiondown.

“Iwashonoredthattheyaskedme,”hesays,“buttherewasjustnowayIcoulddoit.”

DigitalentrepreneurAlexisOhanian,whomForbesmagazinedubbed“themayoroftheInternet,”saysthatReddit,thecompanyhecofounded,dominatedhislifeforthefirstsixteenmonthstheywereinfullstart-upmode.Thisisaguywhoknowshowtogononstopfulltiltaswellasanyoneintheworld.Comingoutofthatexperience,hedecidedhewouldneveragainletoneprojectovertakehislifetotheexclusionofeverythingelsethatmattered.

“IalwaysencouragefoundersthatI’veinvestedinoradvisethattheytakesometimetoappreciatethefactthatthey’veonlygotoneshotatthis,”hesaidinaninterviewinWired.“Youhavetoliveyourlifeasifitwereavideogame,andatthetopofthescreenitsays,‘Livesremaining:Zero.’”

WHATMATTERSTOME

Inthefallof2017,whilewewereworkingonthismanuscript,HurricaneMariarippedthroughtheCaribbeananddevastatedPuertoRico,whereIlive.(IhaveanapartmentinManhattan,butmyPuertoRicoplaceishome.)Friendscheckedinwithmetosympathizeandfindouthowmyplacesurvivedthestorm,andweresurprisedwhenIanswered,“There’snothingdowntherethatcouldn’twashawaythatIwouldcareabout.”

It’snotreallythatIdon’tcareaboutanyofit.OfcourseIdo.Ihavepersonalthingsthere,memorabilia,artifactsfromthejourneythathasbeenmylifesofar.IfIdidn’tcareaboutthatstuff,Iwouldn’thaveitinmyplace.Butit

doesn’treallymatter.Myfamily’snotthere.ThewholebuildingcouldwashintotheseaandI’dbefine.It’sjuststuff.

AcatastrophelikeaCategory5hurricane,oranearthquake,orawar,oraneconomiccollapseisahorrifyingthing.Itcanalsobeaclarifyingthing,becauseittakesawayeverythingyouhave.Whenyoustripawayallthematerialthings,itthrowsyourlifeintoaharshbutbrutallyhonestlight.Thereisnomoredancingaroundthepointorignoringwhatliesattheheartofitall.Mygoalistorememberthatatalltimes,withoutneedingthecatastrophetopointitout.

Sohere,innoparticularorder,iswhatmatterstome:

ETHICS

CreatinganonlinespaceforhonoringourSpecOpsvetswastheimpulsethatcreatedHurricane.Asitewherewecouldshinethelightonstolenvalor(peoplepretendingtobeSpecOpsvetswhoarenot),corruptionattheVA,andotherissuesthataffectthemilitaryandveterancommunity.Strongethicsisabigpartofwhatdrivesthemenandwomeninuniform,anditdrivesmestilltoday.

TRUTH

AnotherprimalfactorinthegenesisofHurricaneMedia.Thereiswaytoomuchslant,subjectivity,distortion,andflat-outinaccuracyinthemainstreammedia.Wemaynotbetheslickestorsmoothestnewssiteoutthere,wemaynotalwayshavethemostperfectsyntaxorpolishedlanguage,butwealwaystellthetruth.Honestyandintegrityarethecorelanguageofouroperatingsystem.

EXCELLENCE

Forme,partofappreciatingthevalueoftimemeansIdon’twanttowasteamomentofeffortonanythinglessthanexcellence.WantingtobepartofaneliteteamthataspiredtobethebestintheworldwasthenumberonefactorthatdrovemetojointheSEALsinthefirstplace.

FREEDOM

Forallthecriticismyoucanlevyagainstthestateofourcountry—andmuchofitisjustified,becausethereissomuchthatisamessrightnow—allofthatmess

itisjustified,becausethereissomuchthatisamessrightnow—allofthatmessandnegativitypalesincomparisontothequalitiesthatmakethiscountrygreat.Iamaconfirmedskeptic,butnotacynic(there’sadifference),andIbelieveinthegreatnessoftheUnitedStateswithallmyheart.Plentyofothercountriesaroundtheworldenjoyvaryinglevelsoffreedom,butinallmytravels,I’veneverencounteredaculturethathastheloveoffreedomsodeeplyembeddedinitsDNAasthisone.

MYFRIENDS,MYTEAM

ThereisanincrediblystrongteamethicintheSpecOpsworld.Yes,we’refightingforourcountryandfordemocracyandallthatgoodstuff.Butwhenyou’reactuallythere,trudgingonformilesinthedirtorthesandorthesnow,withtheelectricbuzzofmortaldangerhummingintheair,orwhengunsandbombsstartgoingoffandthewholeplacesuddenlyfillswithsmokeandchaos,youarenotthinkingaboutflagandfreedom;youarethinkingaboutkeepingtheguynexttoyoualive.

I’vebroughtthatsamesenseofteamtomybusiness.Idon’tlookatthemasemployees;Iconsiderthemfamily.AsIwrite,ourteamcomprisesmorethanfiftypeople,distributedgeographicallyallovertheglobe.Twoyearsago,Iwouldtalkwitheveryoneonstaffinthecourseofanormalweek,butthisyearIrealizedwe’dgrowntothepointwherethatcouldnolongerhappen.Ihadtostartwritinganewslettertotheteam.ButIdidn’twantitjusttobethemhearingfromme.Iwantedittobeagenuinecommunication,notjustanow-hear-thissetofannouncementsfromthecaptain.Sohere’showIdothat:Ihaveeveryoneonourstaffsendmeanemaileverymonth,tellingmewhat’simportanttothem,bothpersonallyandprofessionally,alongwithwhattheirbiggestchallengeis.AfterIreadthroughallthoseresponses,thenIputtogetherthatmonth’snewsletter.Ithelpskeepusconnected.

AfewyearsagoIstartedholdinganannualmeeting,flyingeveryoneinfromaroundtheworldtospendafewdaystogether.NowI’veuppedthattotwiceayear.Yes,Iwanttogrowmybusinessfrom$100millionto$1billion.Butthat’sonlyonemetric.There’snomorecoremeasureofourcompany’ssuccessthanthesuccessofeveryoneontheteam.

MYFAMILY

Mythreechildrenarethefuelthatdrivesmydesiretosucceed.EverythingI

Mythreechildrenarethefuelthatdrivesmydesiretosucceed.EverythingIbuild,whetherit’sacompanyorabookorafoundationoracircleoffriends,Iapproachfirstandforemostasthebuildingofalegacythattheycanlookuptoandbeproudof.

Thisbookisaboutfear,soI’llsharewhatismybiggestfearthesedays:thatIwillfailtoprovideeverythingIcouldformythreechildrentohaveastableandhappyfuture.Idon’tmeanintheformofacashhandout;ImeanthefullbalanceoflifelessonsIcanimpartandexperiencesIcansharethroughourmanyadventurestogetherandourconversationstogetheraboutlifeandcareer.

AsIwrite,allthreeareintheirteens,andthatbankaccountofsharedexperienceshasbuiltupaprettysolidbalance.Iknowwewon’thaveforevertodothat,butitfeelslikewe’realmostthere.

—THAT’SMYLIST:ethics,truth,excellence,freedom,friends,team,family.IfahurricaneblowsintomorrowandtakesawayeverythingIown—myapartments,myplanes,mybusiness,mybankaccounts,myguncollection,myart,mybooks,myclothes,myshoes—aslongasIstillhavewhat’sonthatlist,I’mgood.

WHATMATTERSTOYOU?

That’swhatmatterstome,butI’mjustme.Iimagineit’sdifferentforeveryone.Sure,therearecommonthemes,valuesalotofustendtoshare.Family,friends,freedom,thoseareprettyuniversalthings.Butreallyknowingwhatmattersmost?That’sanindividualjourney.

Sothatpromptsthequestion:Whatmatterstoyou?It’snotarhetoricalquestion.Infact,Isuggestyouputthisbookdown,take

outanotebookoryouriPadorwhateveryouusetowriteon,andrespondtothatquestionwithsomeconcreteanswers.Goahead.Startalist.

Whatreallymatterstoyou?Idon’tknowifthatlistwillhavethreeitemsonitorten.Orone.Thisis

yourlife,notmine.Juststartthelist.Whatmatters?Abstractanswersarefinehere—tostartwith.Butnofearwasevermastered,noopponentbeatenback,nohardshipgrappledwithormajorchallengemethead-on,withnothingbutanabstractioninhandtoinspirethestruggle.IftheonlythingonLeoRussell’s

mindwas“Family—yeah,Ilikethesoundofthat:family...”—thenhewouldhavedrownedoffthecoastofDelawarerightthenandthere.

No.ThethoughtthatarcedthroughLeo’sbrainwasn’t“family”;itwasIhavetoseemysonagain.

Soonceyou’vewrittendownthoseabstractanswers,thengobackandgetconcreteaboutit.Freedom,great,butwhatdoyoumeanbythat?Family—fine,butwho,exactly?Whataboutthem?

Andbytheway,it’stotallyokayifyoustareatthepadanditstaysblank.That’sfantastic,actually,becauseitmeansyou’rebeinghonest.Maybeyoureallydon’tknowtheanswers.Ornotyet.Sometimesyoudon’trealizewhatreallymattersuntilyou’refacedwithoneofthoseclarifyingmoments—thecarcrash,thesurgeon’spronouncement,thehousefire.SometimesIwonderifyoudidknow,ifyoudidtakethetimeandquiet,honestself-reflectiontodigdeepforthoseanswers,maybethecarcrashandthehousefireandalltherestwouldn’tbenecessaryatall.

Ofcourse,that’sjustspeculation.Idon’tpretendtoknowhowthesethingswork,thismachineryoflifeandcircumstance.ButIdoknowthis:everythingyoureallywantisontheothersideoffear.

Ican’ttellyouwhatitis,orwhatitlookslike,orwheretofindit.ButIcanofferthisclue:startwithwhatyoufear.Anddon’tsuppressit,orfightit,ortrytoputitbehindyou—embraceit.Makeityourally.Trustit.Masterit.

Itwillpointyouinthedirectionofwhatmattersmost.

PRACTICEPOINTS

Masteringfearstartswithadecision,butitisknowingwhatmattersthattellsyouwhichdecisiontomakeandleadsyoutomakeitinthefirstplace.Therehastobesomethingimportant—thatis,importanttoyou—thatmakestheriskworthit.Hereisthebottomlineonfear:Ifyoudon’tknowwhatmatters,fearwillholdyouback.Ifyou’recrystalclearonwhatmatters,fearwillpropelyouforward.

Identifywhatmattersmost.Makealistofeverythingthatismostimportanttoyou.Don’tworryaboutwhatordertheentriesarein,oraboutthelistbeingcomplete.Youcan

comebackandaddtoitlater.Justgetitdown.

Nowgobackoverthatlistandmakeeachitemconcreteandspecific.Ifyouwrotedownavalue,suchas“freedom,”“truth,”“contribution,”or“success,”whatspecificallydoesthatmean?Ifyouwrotedownsomethingaboutpeople,suchas“friends”or“family”or“relationships,”thenwho?Andwhataboutthem?

Gothroughitoncemore,andthistimeaskyourselfthesequestionsabouteachentryonyourlist:

HowmuchtimeamIdevotingtothiseachweek?

HowmuchofthemoneyIearnamIinvestinginthis?

HowmuchofmyenergyamIinvestinginthiseveryday?

IfIknewIhadoneyearlefttolive,wouldIchangeanyofthosethreeanswersabove?

How,exactly?

HowcanIstartimplementingthosechangesrightnow?

O

CONCLUSION

SOLOFLIGHT

Ihaveneverinmylifeenviedahumanbeingwholedaneasylife.Ihaveenviedagreatmanypeoplewholed

difficultlivesandledthemwell.—THEODOREROOSEVELT

NECHILLYDAYinearly2004,inthemiddleofanoldmilitaryairfieldrightontheSanDiego–Tijuanaborder,myflightinstructor,JohnCarey,pulleda

surprise.WeweretaxiingalongtherunwaywhenJohn’sgravellyvoicesuddenlyspokeup:“Hey,pullover.ThisiswhereIhopout.You’regonnasolothisthing.”

Ihadnoideathiswascoming.Hehadn’tgivenmeaclue.ThoughIdidn’tknowitatthetime,thisisanold-schoolmilitaryaviationtradition:youdon’tknowwhenyou’regoingtodoyourfirstsolo,andyourflightinstructorspringsitonyou.Tobehonest,Iwaskindoffloored.WasIreadyforthis?Buttherewasnopointinevenaskingthequestion.WhatwasIgoingtodo,sayno?

“Okay,”Isaid.Ipulledover.Hehoppedout.Iacceleratedagain,pulledbackonthestick,

andtookoff.Itwasanexhilaratingfeeling—scary,butatthesametime,sucharush.Andnotjustthethrillofflyingbutthatflushofnewconfidence:Oh,Icandothis!

Ididthreeorfourlapsaroundthepatternbymyself,andthatwasit.Iwashooked.

Inasmallplaneyoudon’thavethehydraulicsthatrunthebigairplanes;alotofitispurelymechanical.Whenyoupullbackonthestickfortakeoff,you’refeelingtheactualmechanicalresistanceofallthatwindandairpressureyou’repullingagainst.Wecallitstickandrudder,whereyoufeelthecontrolservices,

feeltheconnectionbetweenman,machine,andtheelements.Iloveeverythingaboutit.There’salittletrimwheelthattrimstheelevator,whichneutralizessomeofthatresistance.Ifyoufindyou’rehavingtopullbackreallyhard,youcantrimtheelevator,whichtakessomeofthatcontrolpressureoutoftheyoke.Johncallsit“thepilot’sbestfriend.”Eventoday,alltheseyearslater,wheneverIflyIstillhearhisvoiceinmyear,yelling,“Goddamnit,trimtheplane!Trimthedamnplane!”

Afteryoudothatfirstshortsolo,theysendyououtonwhattheycallacross-countryflight:ahundredmilesormore,farenoughthatyouencounterdifferentwindcurrents,changesincloudcover,maybeweatherchanges,changingconditionsyouhavetoadapttoallonyourown.Firstyoudoitasadualcross-country,whichyouplanyourselfbutthenflywithyourinstructor.Thenextdayyouflyitalone.Mycross-countrysolowasfromSanDiegotoSantaBarbara.Abouttwohundredmiles.Itwasn’tthatchallenging,technicallyspeaking—butitwasoneofthemostintenseflyingexperiencesI’veeverhad.

BecauseIwaspilotingthethingmyself.Thewholeway,IheardJohn’scracked,weatheredoldvoiceinmyhead.

Brandon?Pleasetrimtheplanebeforeyoukillus.Trimthedamnplane!Thankyou.

Startingmybusinesswasexactlylikethat.Onechillydayinearly2012,sketchingoutabasicwebsitedesignonthebackofanapkinandmakingthedecisiontoleavemyhigh-payingexecutivejobandstakemyfutureonthatnapkin.Onceyouknowwhatit’sliketobethecaptainofyourowndestiny,youneverwanttogoback.Flyingyourownplane,captainingyourownship,runningyourownbusiness—they’reallreallythesamething.MakingthedecisionstogetfrompointAtopointB,there’satonofresponsibility—andIloveit.It’sthemostamazingfeeling.There’sthissenseofagency,thishighyougetfromknowingthat,byyourwitsandthoughtsandactionsalone,youaremakingthisimpossiblethinghappen.

AndIdomeanyou.Because,whileyoumaynotbeapilot,oraseacaptain,oranentrepreneur,oraCEO,thatdoesn’tmatter.Thosearejustdetails.You’restilltheoneinchargeofyourowntime,yourownlifeandlegacy.

Theysaythatwhenallissaidanddone,whatmattersistheloveinyourlife,therelationships,thepeopleyoumakethejourneywith.Ibelievethat.Mykids,myclosefriendships?There’snothingmoreimportanttome.

Still,thatdoesn’tchangethereality.

Therealityis,yourlifeisuptoyou.Nooneelse.Everyoneofuscomesintothislifealone,andalonewegooutagain.Yourlifeisdefinedbyaseriesofchoices,andtheonewhomakeseveryoneofthosedecisionsispurelyandsolelyyou.Yes,youhavefriends,advisers,mentors,colleagues,teammates;youloveandarelovedbyothers.Anyofuswho’vebeeninthearmedforcesknowthatwewouldwillinglyputourlivesonthelineforourbrothersandsisters,giveourlivestosavetheirs.Allthatistrue,andnoneofthatchangesthefactthatyouaretheonerunningyourrace,andnooneelsecanrunitforyou,notevenonestep.

Lifeisasoloflight.Youarethecaptain.Andit’snota747,withallthehydraulicsandfancyequipmentandmassiveautomation.Itmayseemlikeitsometimes,likeyoucanswitchthingsontoautomaticpilotandsitbackandrelax,maybeevencatchafewminutesofthein-flightmovie.Buttrustme,it’satiny,single-enginecraft,nohydraulics,allmechanicals,whereyoufeeltheresistanceofairpressurepullingagainstthestrengthofyourarmsandshoulders.

It’sallstickandrudder.Andwhileloveandfriendshipmaybethefuel,fearisyournavigator.Not

youradversary,butyourcopilot,itscracked,weatheredvoiceinyourear,saying,Pleasetrimtheplanebeforeyoukillus.Trimthedamnplane!Thankyou.

ThisiswhereIhopout.You’resoloingthisthing.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Writingabookfeelslikejumpingoutofaplanewhenyoustart,andscalingamountainbythetimeyou’refinished.Whenyousummitandturnaroundtotakeintheview,thefirstthingyouseeistheskilledanddedicatedteamthathelpedyougetthere.Mythanksandappreciationgoout:Tomywritingpartner,thetalentedandversatileJohnDavidMann;thisisoursixthoutingtogether,andIcouldn’taskforabetterdivebuddyorclimbingpartner.

ToourphenomenalteamatPortfolio/Penguin:BriaSandford,HelenHealey,AlisonCoolidge,TaraGilbride,WillWeisser,andAdrianZackheim;youguysareasproasitgets,andit’salwaysapleasureworkingwithyou.

ToAlyssaReubenandKatelynDoughertyattheParadigmTalentAgency,forhelpingkeepeverythingontrack.

Toallthebravemenandwomen,knowntomepersonallyorbyreputationonly,whosestoriesofmasteringfearappearinthesepages:JamesAltucher,NeilAmonson,LannyBassham,MikeBeardenJr.(akatheBear),DouglasCorrigan,MariaEmma,ViktorFrankl,ChiefDanGoulart,WilliamH.Murray,AlexisOhanian,NandoParrado,JamesPowell,C.J.Ramone,LeoRussell,ErnestShackleton,CurtisThornhill,JoséTorres,CaptainJerryYellin.

Tothefriendsandmentorswhohavebeenpartoftheencounterswithfeardescribedherein:Kennedy,ourH-60copilot;CaptainMikeRoach,ofthediveboatThePeace;JohnCarey,myaviationinstructor;myBUD/SteammateandtrainingpartnerEricDavis;andmybestfriend,GlenDoherty.

ToallmyamazingguestsonmyPowerofThoughtpodcast.Toallmycourageouspassengerswho’veallowedmetoflythemoverthe

Manhattanskiesandotherspotsaroundtheglobe;andtoallmyflightinstructors,domesticandforeign.

Tomydad,Jack;mymom,Lynn;mygrandmotherDoris;andGrandmaBarbandGrandpaJack,fortheirexamplesofcourage,strength,andperseverance.

Tomythreechildren;youareaconstantinspirationandthefuelthatkeepsmyplaneintheair.

myplaneintheair.Finallytomybestfriend,KamalRavikant,whotoldmetowritethisbook,

andwhosepresenceandwisdomhoverovereverypage.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

INDEX

Thepagenumbersinthisindexrefertotheprintedversionofthisbook.Thelinkprovidedwilltakeyoutothebeginningofthatprintpage.Youmayneedtoscrollforwardfromthatlocationtofindthecorrespondingreferenceonyoure-reader.

abyss,faithinthe,149–54,164action/nonaction,habitsof,145–46,163adulthoodandmaturity,134advice,64–66,154Afghanistan,11–13,14,23,28agency,199AlexandertheGreat,47ally,fearas,27–30,45–46Altucher,James,129–32,134Amonson,Neil,86–87arrogance,64askingforhelp,143–49

Bark&Co.,86BasicUnderwaterDemolition/SEAL(BUD/S)trainingcommitmentdemandedin,47–51drown-proofingtraining,30–34HALOjumpschool,87–88HellWeek,48,49,63pushingboundariesofcomfortzone,90–91

Bassham,Lanny,77battlingyourmind,11–46Bearden,Mike,141–42,184BigMountainHeroes(documentary),128BinLaden,Osama,96blamingmentality,26bouncers,21–22Brown,Brené,160businesseducation,158businessplans,97businessprofessionals,lackofsleepin,63–64ButchCassidyandtheSundanceKid(film),115–16

CaminodeSantiagotrail,34Canessa,Roberto,181Carey,John,93–95,197–99Cassidy,Butch,115–16

catastrophes,187–88champions’utilizationoffear,29Choi,Solomon,68,100Cleese,John,133“cockpitview,”82–84coconut,lettinggoof,111–12Coelho,Paulo,120CombatControlTeams(CCTs),87comfortzoneandcompetencezone,84–86andcontrol,89conventionaladviceabout,38,84functionof,84stayingin,104stretching,39–40,89–93,100–101,104Seealsocompetence

commitmentandcourage,166exercising,38(seealsodecisionmaking)fearof,15Murrayon,153–54

competenceapplyingrepetitionandrefinement,85–86,104“competencezone,”84andconfidence,76,83,103crawl-walk-runapproachto,88–89,93,104identifyingtheboundariesof,85roleofpractice/familiarityin,76,83stretching,39–40,100–101,104Seealsocomfortzone

confidenceandcompetence,76,83,103anddrown-proofingtraining,31

contingencyplans,95–98,105controlrelinquishing,112,136,149–50zoneof,89

conversationinyourhead.SeeinteriormonologueCorrigan,Douglas,155–57courage,154,166coverofbook,imageon,22crawl-walk-runteachingmethod,88–89,93,104CrazyHorse,107,132,135critics,120–21,136curatingyourenvironment,69,71

D’Amato,Cus,29danger,awarenessof,26–27,113DaringGreatly(Brown),160Davis,Eric,23–24,77,147death

deathCrazyHorseon,107,132andembracingmortality,132–35,137,184–85fearof,133–34,161onstage,131,133andreinvention,129–32andvalueoftime,184–85

debt,32–33decisionmaking,47–71about,36–37actingon,70bold,66–67inBUD/Straining,47–51clarityin,55,64ascriticalfirststep,52andcuratingyourenvironment,69,71anddecidingtodecide,51–56andegomanagement,59–61andguidancefromothers,64–66,71andhighaltitudejumpclass,142–43andKamal’sfearofwater,38andknowingwhatmatters,166–67,194andMurrayoncommitment,153–54andnurturinganetwork,67–69androleofselfcarein,64andtakingyourtime,62–64,70andtrustingyourgut,56–59,70–71andwisdom,62,67–69

definitionsoffear,34divorceofauthor,107–9,125–26Doherty,Glen,65,184–85driver’slicenses,97drowningdrown-proofingtraining,30–34fearof,39

dying.Seedeath

echochamber,impactof,124–29,136–37egomanagement,59–61,176–77embarrassment,133embracingfear,27–30EmbroidMe,118–19,173–74Emma,Maria,118–20,173–74,186emotions,60–61,70enemy,fearas,27Entrepreneurs’Organization(EO),68–69,100–101entropy,114epinephrine,12ethics,188,191excellence,189,191

exhaustion,63–64

failure,fearof,108,124–25,158–59faithintheabyss,149–54,164familyandbusinessfailure,107–8,125–26priorityplacedon,108,109,191

fatigue,63–64feelings,60–61,70Fellowes,Jack,77finaltrainingexercise(FTX),62–63fireanalogyforfear,29flying,fearof,35(seealsoplanes,flying)foodchoices,99freedom,189,191friends,189–90,191

Gandhi,Mohandas,59Ganju,Nick,68gold-medalperformances,77–78Goulart,Dan,63GroundhogDay(film),134guidance,soliciting,64–66,71,154gut,trustingyourabout,70–71andbuyoutofferforHurricaneMedia,60–61andconsideringothers’advice,154–55,162andreflectingondecisions,70–71andWindZerobusinessfailure,56–59

habitsofaction/nonaction,145–46,163Hackman,Gene,108happiness,roleofmoneyin,175–76health,maintaining,99helicopterincidentinPersianGulf,3–5Hemingway,Ernest,151,164hesitation,162–63high-altitudeparachutejumpsandfacingfear,140–43andHALOjumpschool,87–88highaltitude/lowopening(HALO)jumpschool,89

Hillary,Edmund,153history,echochamberof,124–29,136–37humancondition,roleoffearin,13–14HurricaneMediaannualmeetingsof,190emphasisontruthandintegrityat,188,191ethicsundergirding,188,191andFellowes’approachtorehearsal,78impactofnetworkingon,67–69

andPowell,25successof,60andtargetedaction/preparation,101–2teamethicin,189–90,191andwillingnesstoloseeverything,134andWindZerofailure,110

interiormonologueandaddressingperceivedthreats,21–23andechochamberoffearsfromthepast,126,136–37negativityin,45,117–18,136positiveactionfocusin,24–26,45–46,103powerofchanging,25,26reframing/redirecting,45,80–81,103rumination,45self-monitoring,26,45,80,103

intuition(gutfeelings),56–59,60–61,70–71

Job(biblical),182Jobs,Steve,59judgment,trusting,164jumpingoff,139–64about,36–37asaffirmationofliving,161andaskingforwhatyouwant,143–49,163andchoosinglife,158–61andCorrigan’strans-Atlanticflight,155–57developingmusclesfor,147andfaithintheabyss,149–54,164andhighaltitudejumpclass,140–43andKamal’sfearofwater,41–43andperseverance,154–57,162–63andpreparations,150,162andtrustingyourgut,154–55,162–63

knowingwhatmatters,165–95about,36–37clarityin,167,177–78,182–83,187–88,193anddealingwithcritics,120anddecisionmaking,166–67,194distractionsfrom,176–77identifyingwhatmatters,187–93,194–95andKamal’sfearofwater,43–44andmoneyperspectives,172–76andmortality,184–85andpersonaldevelopment,178andRussell’sescapeofundertow,168–72andsuffering,179–83andvalueoftime,184–87

lettinggo,107–35about,36–37andbreakingprepcycle,121–23,136ofthecoconut,111–12anddyingonstage,131–32andechochamberoffearsfromthepast,124–29,136–37andembracingmortality,132–35,137andfearoflosingwhatyouhave,111–12andillusionofsafety,112–16andKamal’sfearofwater,40–41andnaysayers/critics,116–21,136andrecoveringafterWindZerofailure,107–10,112andreinvention,129–32andrelinquishingcontrol,112andtakingopportunities,121–23,136

lifechoosing,158–61andfearofliving,161

Lindbergh,Charles,155,157logicandrationalarguments,61,70loss,painof,183LoveYourselfLikeYourLifeDependsonIt(Ravikant),177

MaerskAlabama,73Mandela,Nelson,1“maninthearena”speech(Roosevelt),159–60Man’sSearchforMeaning(Frankl),182–83“massiveaction,”102maturityinadulthood,134mediaexposure,69,71meditation,127–28Meeker,Matt,86mentalaspectoffear,14–15,20militarycareerofauthorandaskingforhelp,147contingencyplanningin,96–97andcritics,120anddaredevilpredisposition,140(seealsoSpecOps)andfinaltrainingexercise(FTX),62–63andhigh-altitudeparachutejumps,140–43incidentwithAfghanrebels,11–13,14,23,28andOperationNeptuneSpear,96andpoolcompetencytraining,5–6andsafetyemphasis,113andsnipertraining,23–24,73,82–83,122–23tryingoutforSEALprogram,147(SeealsoU.S.NavySEALs)andtwotypesofmedics,82–83andwaterboarding,6–7andwillingnesstoloseeverything,134SeealsoBasicUnderwaterDemolition/SEAL(BUD/S)training

militaryfreefalls,140–43

mindset,fearas,120money,keepinggoodperspectiveon,172–76mortality.SeedeathmountaineeringandfirstsummitofMountEverest,153andMurray,152–54andThornhill’sascentofKilimanjaro,91–93

MountaineeringinScotland(Murray),153MountEverest,firstsummitof,153moviemaking,93Mt.Kilimanjaro,91–93Murray,William,152–54Musk,Elon,139

NavalSpecialWarfaresniperprogram,23,77,78,147navigator,fearas,200naysayers,116–21,136necessityoffear,29negativityawarenessof,80,103andcoverofbook,22ininteriormonologue,45,117–18,136andreframingyourthoughts,80–81,103

networks,67–69,100NewYorkCity,truck-relatedterroristact,114nostalgia,128–29nutrition,99

Ohanian,Alexis,165,186–87OperationNeptuneSpear,96opportunities,121–23,136overcomingfear,27overpreparing,93–98,104Owens,Jesse,73ownership,taking,132

panicasbrainstemresponse,139andpanic-to-calmstate,170–72

Parrado,Nando,179–82passivementalities,52pastevents,echochamberof,124–29,136–37Patton,George,59perfection,waitingfor,160performersonstage,28–29perseverance,154–57PersianGulf,3–5personaldevelopment,178personalresponsibility,26

Phillips,Richard,73physiologicalresponsestofear,12–13planes,flyingandcontingencyplans,93–95,98andCorrigan’strans-Atlanticflight,155–57firstsoloexperiences,197–99andinstrumentfailures,64–66androleoffearinexperienceof,35

plans,75PortlandTimberssoccerteam,148–49positivementalityandfearsbasedinthepast,137intentionalfocuson,81,103–4andinteriormonologue,23–27,45

post-traumaticstress,127–28Powell,James,24,33powerandpowerlessness,149–50ThePowerofNow(Tolle),133PowerofThoughtpodcast,26,127,129preparationsandbreakingprepcycle,121–23,136faithin,150,164andjumpingoff,162asmindset,123necessityof,38–39(seealsorehearsal)andoverpreparing,93–98,104and“practicemakesperfect,”75,76

prisonersofwar(POWs)Murray’stimeasPOW,152–53visualizationpracticesof,77–78

proactivementality,26publicspeakingandAltucher,131ascommonfear,15anddyingonstage,131–32,133–34andeffectiverehearsal,78–79speakingonlivetelevision,73–75,97–98andstayingincomfortzone,86

PuertoRico,187

Ramone,C.J.becomingaRamone,116–18interiormonologueof,117–18andMetallicaopportunity,186onscarcityofopportunities,121,123

Ramones,116–18rationalargumentsandlogic,61,70readingcurating,69,71andtargetedaction/preparation,101–2

recordbreakingperformances,29Reddit,start-upstageof,186–87reframingyourthoughts,80–81,103regrets,132,137rehearsal,73–105about,36–37applyingrepetitionandrefinement,85–86,104andcompetence,76,83,103andcontingencyplans,95–98,105andcrawl-walk-runteachingmethod,88–89,93,104disciplinerequiredfor,79onintimatescale,86,104andKamal’sfearofwater,38–39andoverpreparing,93–98,104andplans,75and“practicemakesperfect,”75,76andpracticingtheproblem,24,80andpushingboundariesofcomfortzone,89–93andraisingprepstandards,99–102,105andRussell’sescapeofundertow,171andseeingthebigpicture,82–84andstayingincomfortzone,84–89,104threekeystepsfor,79–81andVietnamPOWs’visualizationexercises,77–78

relationshipsandcuratingyourenvironment,69,71naysayersandcritics,117–21,136negativityin,118–20,162priorityplacedon,189–90,199

right,needtobe,133–34risktakingandfearoflosingwhatyouhave,111–12gainsmadeby,114andmovingpastthepreparationsstage,121peoplediscouragingyoufrom,118

roadmapfromfeartotheprize,36–37(seealsodecisionmaking;jumpingoff;knowingwhatmatters;lettinggo;rehearsal)Robbins,Jairek,144

Roosevelt,Theodoreondifficultlivesledwell,197onthemaninthearena,159–60

rumination,45Russell,Leo,168–72,179,192

safety,illusionof,112–16,134,137,180sailboat,livingon,52–56Schweitzer,Albert,59ScottishHimalayanExpedition(Murray),153–54SEALs.SeeU.S.NavySEALssecurityguards,21–22

selfcare,importanceof,63–64,99self-esteem,133self-preservation,113self-talk,24–25(seealsointeriormonologue)Shackleton,Ernest,55–56sharks,fearof,16–21,22signpost,fearas,34–36,151sleep,necessityof,63–64SmallBusinessAdministration(SBA),143–44snipertrainingandinteriormonologue,23–24andMaerskAlabamapirateincident,73andmovingpastthepreparationsstage,122–23show-them-firstapproachto,82–83

socialmediacriticson,120andcuratingyourenvironment,71

SOFREP.com,60SpecOpsdifficultyoftrainingin,90andHurricaneMedia,188andmortality,134preparednessemphasisin,96teamethicin,189–90andvetswithposttraumaticstress,128SeealsoU.S.NavySEALs

stand-upcomedy,131St.Augustine,135stockmarket,150–51strength,154subways,sizinguppeopleon,21success,fearof,159,161suffering,179–83Sullenberger,Chesley,96

takingyourtime,62–64,70teamethic,189–90,191technology,unpluggingfrom,62,70television,speakingon,73–75,97–98Teresa,Mother,59Thornhill,Curtis,68,91–93time,valueof,184–87Timemagazine,155Tolle,Eckhart,133Torres,José,11,29torture,90truth,188,191Twain,Mark,161Tyson,Mike,75

Unforgiven(film),108UnitedStatesofAmerica,freedomin,189unknown,fearof,160–61U.S.MarineCorps,127U.S.NavySEALscontingencyplanningof,96ascritics,120andhigh-altitudeparachutejumps,140–43andMaerskAlabamaincident,73andOperationNeptuneSpear,96andpoolcompetencytraining,5–6priorityplacedonsafety,113tryingoutforprogram,147typesofmedicsin,82–83SeealsoBasicUnderwaterDemolition/SEAL(BUD/S)training

venturecapitalindustry,151–52veterans,echochambersof,127–28victimmentality,26VietnamPOWs,77–78visualization,78–79,103–4

Ward,Chris(C.J.Ramone)becomingC.J.Ramone,116–18interiormonologueof,117–18andMetallicaopportunity,186onscarcityofopportunities,121,123

Washington,George,59water,fearofandinfluenceofpastevents,124andKamal’sroadmaptotheprize,38–44andKamal’sswimminglessons,1–3,5

waterboarding,39whatmattersmost.SeeknowingwhatmattersWindZerobusinessfailureandbreakupoffamily,107–9,125andechochamberoffearsfromthepast,124–25andfearoffailure,124–25andgutintuition,56–59,67andinexperience,67lessonslearnedfrom,158

wisdomfromothers,154–55andrushingdecisions,62,70surroundingyourselfwith,67–69

wrong,fearofbeing,133–34

Yellin,Jerry,127–28,146–47YoungPresidents’Organization(YPO),101,179

Zagata,Ryan,68,100

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

ABOUTTHEAUTHORS

BrandonWebbisaformerUSNavySEAL,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthor,andfounderandCEOofHurricaneGroup,amediaandecommercebusinessfocusedonmilitaryentertainment,news,andmonthlyclubs.HistitlesincludeTheRedCircle,Benghazi:TheDefinitiveReport,TheKillingSchool,andTotalFocus.

JohnDavidMannisWebb'sco-authorofTheRedCircle,AmongHeroes,TheKillingSchool,TotalFocusandtheinternationalbestsellerTheGo-Giver.

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