modern family 1x01 - pilot

MY AMERICAN FAMILY

“Pilot”

Written by

Steven Levitan

and

Christopher Lloyd

Revised Second Draft

December 9, 2008

Characters:

The Dunphy Family

Claire – Late 30s, uptight suburban mom, tries to make

everyday special for her kids, needs control.

Phil - Late 30s, real estate agent, upbeat, goofy, thinks

he’s cooler than he is.

Haley - 16, social, fashion-conscious, rebellious, has a

wild streak.

Alex - 13, (girl), smart, cynical, insightful for her age.

Luke - 10, immature, simple, not the brightest bulb.

The Pritchett–Delgado Family

Jay - 60s, successful businessman, divorced. Recently

married Gloria, struggles to stay “young” for her.

Gloria - 30s, Hispanic, beautiful, strong, quick-tempered.

Protective mother. Divorced six years ago.

Manny - 12ish, Gloria’s son - Jay’s stepson. Old soul,

sensitive, passionate, a young romantic.

Mitchell & Cameron’s Family

Mitchell - Mid-to-late 30s, dentist, gay, emotionally

restrained, worrier.

Cameron - Mid-30s, gay, free with emotions, lives in the

moment, surprisingly strong.

Lily - Baby girl, adopted from Vietnam.

ACT ONE

1 EXT. SUBURBAN AMERICAN STREET -- DAY

The camera pushes in to a SUBURBAN HOUSE.

CLAIRE (O.S.)Kids! Breakfast!

2 INT. KITCHEN -- CONTINUOUS

Claire is busy making breakfast for the family. Phil entersin workout clothes.

CLAIREWhat's with the workout clothes?

(then)Kids!!!

PHILWhat? I work out.

(glances toward thecamera)

Just because I don't run six miles aday like you --

CLAIREEight.

PHILYou run eight miles a day? That'slike three-thousand miles a year. You could have run to Hawaii.

CLAIREI think about that every single day.

(shouting out)BREAKFAST!!!

Haley enters in a short skirt.

HALEYI'm having a friend over today.

CLAIREHaley, you're not wearing that skirt.

HALEYWhat's wrong with it?

CLAIREIt's too short. People can tellyou're a girl, you don't have toprove it to them.

Alex enters.

MY AMERICAN FAMILY "Pilot" 12-9-08 2.

ALEX(matter of fact)

Luke got his head stuck in thebanister again.

PHILI got it. Where's the baby oil?

CLAIREIt's in our night stan--

(eyes camera)I don't know -- find it!

3 INTERVIEW -- PHIL & CLAIRE

SUPER: "Phil & Claire"

CLAIRERaising kids is like building a car. You only have so much time to makesure the steering works and the brakesstop and the engine is dependablebefore you send it out on the road,and if you get one little rivet wrong,it will drive off a cliff and explode.

Awkward beat.

PHILWe have a lot of fun.

4 EXT SOCCER FIELD -- DAY

Gloria and Jay watch as Gloria's son Manny plays in a soccergame. Gloria paces around nervously. Jay, dressed in atrack suit, sits in a low folding chair, reading the paper.

GLORIAGo, Manny, go! Kick it! Don't lethim -- kick it!

The opposing player trips Manny.

GLORIA (CONT'D)He tripped him! Where's the penalty?!

JAYGloria, they're oh and six. Let'stake it down a notch.

An opposing player gets the ball. It's only Manny betweenhim and the goal.


GLORIA(while HITTING Jay)

Get the ball, Manny! Stop him. Youcan do it!

But Manny gets distracted by a PRETTY TEENAGE GIRL riding byon a bicycle. The opposing player dribbles around Manny andSCORES. An uptight SOCCER MOM approaches the coach, obliviousthat Gloria is Manny's mom.

SOCCER MOMCome on, Coach, you gotta take thatkid out.

Gloria wheels on her.

GLORIAYou want to take him out?! How aboutI take you out?!

Jay grabs the back of her jacket.

JAYHoney, honey...

GLORIA(to Soccer Mom)

Why don't you worry about your son? He spend the first half with hishand in his pants.

Gloria moves off, disgusted. Jay, having been through sceneslike this before, shakes his head as A SOCCER DAD approaches.

SOCCER DADWhoa, remind me not to mess withyour daughter.

JAYMy daughter?

(annoyed, strugglesto get up)

No, that's funny, actually, no, she'smy wife. Don't be fooled by the --just give me a second here.

5 INTERVIEW -- JAY AND GLORIA

SUPER: "Jay and Gloria"

JAYGloria and I met the day my ex-wifemoved to Florida. I was feeling prettyemotional and Gloria was one of thebikini bartenders at the giant poolparty I threw.


GLORIAWe're very different. Jay is fromthe city, he has a big business, Icome from a small village, very poorbut very, very beautiful. It is thenumber one village in all of Colombiafor the... what's the word?

JAYMurders.

GLORIAYes, the murders.

6 INT. AIRPLANE - DAY

Boarding passengers file down the aisle passing Mitchell,who holds on his lap an Asian baby, Lily. As variouspassengers pass they smile at the baby and wave.

PASSENGER #1She's adorable.

MITCHELLThanks.

PASSENGER #2Hi, precious.

MITCHELL(waving Lily's handfor her)

Hi.(then)

We just adopted her. From Vietnam. We're bringing her home for the firsttime.

People across the aisle join in.

PASSENGER #3She's such a little angel.

(to Lily)I can just tell you're going to be adaddy's girl, aren't you?

Cameron enters and plops next to Mitchell.

CAMERONSorry, sorry, this boy needed aCinnabon.

MITCHELL(to Passenger #3)

Let's hope so.

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

7 INT. STAIRWAY -- DAY

Luke has his head stuck between the railings. Phil rubsbaby oil on the railings and on Luke's head.

PHILWhy do you keep doing this?

LUKEI thought I could get out this time.

ALEX(as she crosses past)

Okay, I'm just gonna say it: Heneeds to be checked by a specialist.

Phil frees Luke's head.

PHIL(to Luke)

There. Be free.

Claire and Haley enter mid-conversation.

CLAIREWho's coming over anyway?

HALEYYou don't know him.

CLAIREHim?

Claire is clearly thrown.

LUKEOoooh, a boy.... You gonna kisshim?

HALEYShut up.

CLAIRE(to Luke and Alex)

Okay, why don't you guys go outsidefor a little bit?

ALEXAnd do what?

PHILFight in the sun. It'll be a nicechange.


Alex and Luke exit into the back yard.

CLAIRE(trying to be casual)

So, who is this boy?

HALEYHis name is Dylan. I might as welljust tell him not to come becauseyou guys are just going to embarrassme.

CLAIREHoney, it's the first time you'rehaving a boy over, I'm bound to be alittle surprised, but I'm not goingto embarrass you.

PHILI better charge the camcorder.

HALEYUggggghhh.

PHILI'm kidding. Come on. Who are youtalking to?

8 INTERVIEW -- PHIL

PHILI'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I'm hip. I surf the web, I have aniPhone, I know a lot of the dancesfrom "High School Musical."

9 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -- PAST

Phil demonstrates a dance from "High School Musical" as hishorrified kids look on.

PHIL(singing)

WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER, YES WEARE...

10 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -- DAY

As before.

HALEYYou're not going to embarrass me? You guys embarrass me every singleday!


CLAIREHoney, relax.

PHILYeah, take a chill pill, biotch.

SFX: DOOR SLAM!

ALEXMom! Dad!

Alex appears in the doorway, holding her arm.

ALEX (CONT'D)Luke just shot me!

Luke enters carrying an air-soft gun.

LUKEI didn't mean to.

Annoyed, Haley crosses upstairs.

CLAIRE(to Alex)

Are you okay?

ALEXNo, the little bitch shot me.

LUKEThey're just plastic BB's. It wasan accident.

CLAIRE(to Phil)

What did I tell you would happen ifyou bought him a gun?

PHIL(to Luke)

What did I tell you would happen ifyou shot any animal or any person?

LUKEThat you would shoot me.

PHILThat's right! Come on. Let's go.

He starts for the backyard.

CLAIREAre you insane, you're going to shoothim?! He's got a birthday party.

(MORE)


CLAIRE (CONT'D)He can't show up with a big hideouswelt. You can shoot him later. He'll be home at two.

ALEXDoes anyone care about my hideouswelt?

PHILI can't shoot him at two, I'm showinga house then. What about three?

Claire checks her calendar.

CLAIRENo, he's got a soccer game at three. We've got to leave for that dinnerat five. You can shoot him at four-fifteen.

PHILYeah, I guess that works for me.

CLAIRE(writing on calendar)

Shoot Luke.

PHIL(to Luke)

Have a good day, sport.

11 EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY

It is after the soccer game and Gloria and Manny are walkingtoward their car. Jay lags slightly behind.

MANNYI'm quitting soccer. It is a gamefor children.

GLORIAYou're not quitting. You would havestopped that goal if you were staringat that girl again.

MANNYShe is not a girl, she's a woman.

GLORIAYay, will you talk to him?

Jay catches sight of the Dad from earlier.


JAY(under his breath)

Jackass...

GLORIAWhat?

JAYNot Manny, that Jabroney over therein the blue. He said something tome before I didn't appreciate.

GLORIAWhat he say?

JAYIt doesn't matter. Drop it.

They all get into the car.

JAY (CONT'D)And by the way, that little blow-upof yours with that other Mom -- whydo you always have to do stuff likethat? Could you try to rememberthis is Highland Estates, notColombia?

GLORIAI don't care where it is, if someonesay something about my family --

JAYI know, the whole hot Latin thing. I'm just saying, it's not a crime toleave some thoughts unexpressed.

GLORIALike you do, you mean.

JAYNo, not like -- well yeah, like me. Like a man. A man knows it's notappropriate to go around showingyour emotion all the time.

MANNYI want to tell Brenda Feldman I loveher.

JAYOh for Crissakes.

GLORIAManny, she's sixteen.


MANNYOh, it's okay for you to take anolder lover?

JAYHey, watch it.

MANNYI want to go now, to the mall whereshe works. But I need to stop athome first to get my white silk shirt.

JAYOkay, not to be the evil stepdadhere, but that's just not a goodidea.

MANNYStop the car.

Jay does, and Manny jumps out.

GLORIAWhere are you--

But he's gone.

JAYYou do realize that's a suicidemission, right? He's 13, he's in anew school, and if he declares hislove for a 16 year-old girl whilewearing a puffy-sleeved white shirtwe're going to be heading down tothat school Monday morning with abolt cutter to get him out of hislocker.

(then noticing)Oh geez, he's picking flowers.

12 INTERVIEW -- JAY AND GLORIA

GLORIAManny is very passionate, like hisfather. My first husband was veryhandsome, but too emotional. Itseemed like all we ever do was fightand make love, fight and make love. One day, I'm not joking, we fell outthe window together.

JAYWhich were you doing?

(to camera)I'm hearing this for the first time.


13 INT. GROCERY STORE -- DAY

Mitchell is shopping while he holds Lily. Cameron approacheswith some items. He places a pie into their basket.

MITCHELL(re: pie, judgmental)

Okay...

CAMERONWhat? Your family's coming over andeveryone likes pie.

MITCHELLOh, please, you like pie.

CAMERONYou like pie.

MITCHELLNot as much as y-- Oh my God, youhave blueberry on your fingers.

CAMERONWhat, we're buying it.

14 INTERVIEW -- CAMERON

CAMERONYes, Mitchell will be keeping hisdental practice and I'll be homefull-time, but that does not make me"the wife." Sure, I gained a fewpounds while we were expecting thebaby, but that was stress.

We cut to a shot of Cam hiding in the pantry of their kitchenravenously eating chocolate, hoping not to get caught.

CAMERON (V.O.) (CONT'D)It's perfectly normal. It would benice if he understood that.

15 INT. GROCERY STORE -- MOMENTS LATER

They are now in line at checkout.

MITCHELLThis doesn't worry you, that shebarely slept on the plane and she'sstill wide awake? I didn't eventhink Asian eyes opened that wide.

CAMERONOh stop worrying.


MITCHELLMaybe she just can't fall asleepunless she feels a woman's shape. That orphanage was all women.

CAMERONI guess that's possible.

Mitchell tries to hand Lily to Cameron.

CAMERON (CONT'D)What the hell is that supposed tomean?

MITCHELLI just thought--

CAMERONWhat, that I'm more womanly?

MITCHELLNow you're sensitive about that? Itwasn't a problem on Halloween whenyou just had to be Sarah Palin and Iwas stuck all night in that JohnMcCain harness.

CAMERONIs there a particular reason you'vebeen in a bitchy mood all day whenthis is supposed to be the happiestday of our lives?

MITCHELLI have not been --

They are now at the checkout line and a few customers arebehind them including a woman in a wheelchair.

WHEELCHAIR WOMAN(amused)

Look at that baby with those Twinkies.

Mitchell turns on her.

MITCHELLYeah, it's funny isn't it? Hilarious! This baby would have grown up in acrowded orphanage if it weren't forus "twinkies" and I'd think someonelike you would have a little sympathyfor people who are a little differentthan --


Cameron slaps him. He has noticed that Lily has grabbed aHostess Twinkies pack off the nearby display rack and issquishing them.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)What?!

Mitchell then takes in the picture of Lily with the Twinkies.

CAMERONWe'd like to pay for your cat food.

16 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S KITCHEN -- DAY

SFX: DOORBELL

HALEY (O.S.)Don't answer it. I'll get it.

Claire quickly crosses to the door and answers it to find,DYLAN, a very tall and mature seventeen-year-old boy.

CLAIREHello, you must be Dylan.

DYLANHey. Dylan. Yeah.

Haley rushes up and puts herself between Dylan and her mom.

HALEYHey. Let's go.

They head up the stairs.

CLAIREHang on. How old are you, Dylan?

DYLANSeventeen.

CLAIREOh. That's, um...

Phil enters.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)Phil, Dylan's here and he's seventeen.

PHILSweet. Let me meet this playa.

(offers fist bump)Phil Dunphy, yo.

17 INTERVIEW -- PHIL

Phil stares intently into the camera saying nothing. Then:


PHILIt's like that. You just let theeyes do the work. Your mouth mightbe saying, "Hey, we cool", but youreyes are saying, "I know what you'rehere for, and that shiznit is broke."

18 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -- DAY

Phil is at the bottom of the stairs as Dylan crosses backdown to shake hands. Phil starts to put on his "intimidating"face, but as Dylan reaches the ground floor Phil sees thatDylan is several inches taller than he is.

DYLANHey, what's up?

PHILNu-in, nu-in much.

HALEY(hating this)

Okay.

Never losing eye contact, Phil steps up the first step ofthe stairs so that now he's a little taller than Dylan.

PHILSo you two have fun today, just makesure you keep it real, know what I mean?

DYLAN(looks to Haley)

Uh..

HALEYDad!

PHILThat's cool. That's--

To be even more intimidating, Phil steps up another step butloses his grip on the banister when it slips in some babyoil left over from freeing Luke. He awkwardly saves himself,but wrenches his back in the process.

PHIL (CONT'D)Oh boy. Ohhhh. That's not good.

CLAIREHoney?

DYLANYou okay?

PHILYeah, I'm ---

(MORE)


PHIL (CONT'D)(unable to stand)

-- no I'm not.

19 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER

Dylan carries Phil to the couch, holding him like a baby.

CLAIREShould I call the doctor?

PHILNo.

(to Dylan)You're very strong, Homes.

Haley is horrified.

END OF ACT TWO


ACT THREE

20 INT. MALL - DAY

Jay, Gloria, and Manny are walking through the mall. Jay isstill in his track suit. Manny now wears his puffy, whiteshirt. Manny spots Brenda Feldman, the cute 16 year-old wesaw on her bike earlier, at work in Wetzel's Pretzels.

MANNY(reverently)

Brenda Feldman.

JAYI can't watch this.

A saleswoman passes, promoting cologne.

SALESWOMANPanache for Men?

JAY(a little annoyed)

No.

MANNYI will take some.

(as she spritzes him)Thank you. And that is a lovelycolor on you.

SALESWOMANWell, aren't you a gentleman?

MANNYYes.

The saleswoman moves off as Manny pulls some folded sheetsout of his pocket.

GLORIAWhat is that?

MANNYA poem I have written for Brenda.

JAYOf course it is.

Gloria shoots Jay a steely look.

MANNYI put my thoughts into words, andnow my words into action.


Manny crosses over to Wetzel's Pretzels. Jay and Gloriawatch him go. It's clear Gloria is giving Jay a coldshoulder.

JAYI'll give him one thing, he's gotsome cahoneys.

GLORIAPlease, don't do a torture on mylanguage.

She turns away from him.

JAYLook, I know you're upset cause Igot a little mad in the car. Youwant to talk about that?

GLORIAI'm trying to have an unexpressedemotion.

JAYSo you're just going to stay mad?

GLORIAI'll just say this: You could learnfrom Manny. He doesn't keep how hefeels inside, and it may not workout for him over there today but itwill someday. He's not afraid ofhow he feels, and women like that.

(admiring him)He's like a bullfighter.

JAY(struggling with thisa little)

Okay, I think I got mad in the carbecause I was bugged about what thatguy said to me at the game. Hethought I was your Dad. And that'snot the first time that's happened,people... thinking I'm too old foryou.

He looks to Manny. He's reciting his poem now, Brenda holdingthe flowers Manny has brought. It inspires Jay to go on.

JAY (CONT'D)And I guess I'm worried maybe you'llthink that too some day.


GLORIA(melted by his honesty)

How can you think that? I wouldnever! How could I when you're socute?

She hugs and kisses him -- the public affection is a littletoo much for Jay.

JAYOkay, that's enough of that.

GLORIAAnd if it bothers you and you wantto look a little younger, we can getyou some hipper clothes. There's astore right there that--

JAYLet's not go crazy. I'll be fine.

Manny rejoins them.

MANNYShe has a boyfriend.

GLORIAI'm sorry, Niño.

She hugs him.

MANNYI gave her my heart and she gave mea pretzel dog.

(then)That was pretty stupid of me, wasn'tit?

JAYYou know what, Manny, no it wasn'tstupid. It was fantastic. You tooka big swing and I respect the hellout of that. C'mon, let's go getsome lunch. Anywhere you want togo.

They start off, Jay striding briskly. Gloria gives Manny abig hug, which causes them to linger behind a bit. After ashort distance, Jay is stopped by a security guard.

SECURITY GUARDExcuse me, sir, we ask that all mall-walkers stay to the right.

JAYWhat?


He sees that he is being approached by a large group of seniorcitizen mall walkers. Many of the men are dressed similarlyto Jay. They pass him.

SECURITY GUARDThank you sir.

The security guard heads off.

JAY(to Gloria)

I'll meet up with you guys.

Jay turns and heads into the funky clothes store as Gloriaand Manny continue on their way.

21 INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S CONDO -- DAY

The front door opens and Mitchell and Cameron enter, carryingLily, their luggage and the groceries. There is an antique'60s robot in one corner.

CAMERONTada! Your new home! Isn't itgorgeous, except for that robot -- Ihate to break it to you, your otherdaddy is a big nerd.

They exit into Lily's room.

22 INT. LILY'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

They enter, and Cameron looks up at the ceiling. On it amural has been painted. It is a heavenly scene, full ofclouds. Emerging from one cloud are Cameron and Mitchellpainted like angels with wings.

CAMERON(gasping)

Oh my God, do you love it?

MITCHELLWhat the hell is it?

CAMERONI had Andre do it while we were gone. Look, that's us.

MITCHELLYeah, I see. With wings.

CAMERONWe're floating above her, alwaysthere to protect her.


MITCHELLLike fairies, you mean. Okay, now Iget it. "Yes, we pulled you out ofyour home in Vietnam, but don't worry,things will be perfectly normal here. Your dads are floating fairies." Youknow, I really don't need my familyridiculing me over this tonight. Call Andre and have him paintsomething... less gay.

CAMERONThat is not that gay.

MITCHELLA triptych of us having sex would beless gay.

CAMERONYou know what? I've put up withthis mood of yours all day. What isyour deal?

MITCHELLNothing.

CAMERONSee when he looks at the floor, Lily? That's what nerdy daddy does whenhe's lying.

MITCHELLI never told them, all right?

CAMERONWhat?

MITCHELLI never told my family we wereadopting a baby.

CAMERONAre you kidding me? Why the hellnot?

MITCHELLWe weren't telling anyone until weknew it was official and then whenthe agency called last week I hadto, you know, pack and --

CAMERONWe left two days later and I packedfor you! You wussed out!


MITCHELLOkay fine, my family was going tohave a big opinion and I just didn'twant to hear it.

CAMERONBut it's the ceiling's that's toogay.

Mitchell storms off.

23 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S KITCHEN -- DAY

Claire is at the foot of the stairs.

HALEY (O.S.)Alex, get out! Mom!

CLAIRE(calling up)

Alex, leave your sister alone.

Alex enters.

ALEXI was just getting my sweatshirt.

CLAIREYou need to respect their privacy.

(then)What are they doing up there?

ALEXNothing. Lying on her bed watchinga movie.

CLAIRE(trying to be okaywith this)

Oh. Oh. Well, good. So, I'm makinga cake for tonight, want to help me?

ALEXCan I do the frosting?

CLAIRESure, sweetie.

Claire begins to tie an apron around Alex.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)Wow, I remember when you used totrip over this thing.

They smile at that memory, maybe Claire rubs noses with her.


ALEXSo, if Haley got pregnant, would youever do one of those weird thingswhere you pretend she has mono for afew months and then tell everyonethe baby is yours?

CLAIREWhat?

ALEXThis senior at school was "out sick"for like four months, but RobbyRichman swears he saw herbreastfeeding at a California ChickenCafe.

24 EXT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S BACK YARD -- DAY

Phil holds the gun.

PHILWhat are you wearing?

Reveal Luke wearing three shirts, a big jacket and two hats.

LUKENothing.

PHILUh-uh. Jacket off. One shirt, onehat. No pain, no gain. Jesus, howmany pairs of underwear do you have on?

LUKEOne.

(then)Six.

25 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS -- DAY

Claire and Alex are as before. Claire is looking prettyhorrified.

ALEXFirst of all, it would be really coolto see Haley that fat. And how awesomewould it be to have a secret littlebrother who's really my nephew.

CLAIREAlex, Haley is not getting pregnant.

ALEXI'm just saying if.


CLAIRE(trying to hide herpanic)

But there's no point in saying if. If is what you say when things canhappen and this can't happen.

(then)I can't believe I have to prove thisto you.

She rushes out.

26 EXT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S BACK YARD - DAY

Luke is down to one layer of clothes. Phil has the gun.

PHILI want you to know, I'm not enjoyingthis. But it's an important lessonyou're learning.

He begins to pace off steps away from the nervous Luke.

27 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -DAY -- CONTINUOUS

Claire walks up the stairs, matching Phil's pace.

28 EXT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S BACK YARD - DAY -- CONTINUOUS

Phil is finishing his paces, then turns.

LUKEYou're too close. It's going tohurt.

PHILIt's supposed to.

LUKEWhy are you smiling?

29 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -DAY -- CONTINUOUS

Claire has reached Haley's closed door. She's about to burstin, when she stops and retreats.

30 EXT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S BACK YARD - DAY -- CONTINUOUS

Phil has the gun trained on Luke, then:

PHILOh, forget it. I can't do this. The point is you're scared, and Ithink you've learned your lessonjust by --


BANG! The gun fires, and Luke yelps.

PHIL (CONT'D)Wow.

31 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS

Claire barrels through Haley's door to find:

32 INT. HALEY'S ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS

Haley and Dylan are on her bed, watching a movie on herlaptop. They both have Starbucks.

HALEY(mortified)

Mom! What are you doing?

CLAIREWhat am I doing? Seeing if you guysneed anything, okay?

HALEYYou could knock.

CLAIREKnock? You knock when you thinkpeople are doing something private,which you aren't, obviously, whywould you be? Although I think weall read that study this week sayingthirty-nine-percent of sixteen-year-olds have had sexual intercourse. And as long as we're talking, whatis with the coffee all the time? Huh? Whatever happened to ice cream? And all the texting and your cellphones glued to your hands, likeyou're little business-people. Doesn't anyone want to run aroundand ride bikes and be kids anymore?

They look at her stunned.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)So did you guys need anything?

33 EXT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S BACK YARD -- DAY

Phil is tending to Luke's injury, still holding the gun.

LUKEYou hit my bone!

PHILIt was an accident!


Haley comes out.

HALEYDad, you have got to talk to Mom! She is like completely freaking outand embarrassing me!

PHILWell honey, your Mom isn't always ascool about things as I am --

Dylan steps outside, joining Haley, and Phil accidentallyfires the gun again, hitting him.

DYLANOwww!

He falls to the ground.

PHILWhat is with this thing?

HALEYOh. My. God.

END OF ACT THREE


ACT FOUR

34 INTERVIEW -- MITCHELL & CAMERON (THEIR CONDO)

They sit waiting for Mitchell's family. Cameron holds Lily.

MITCHELLI've got good reason to be nervous. I'm having flashbacks to when I toldmy family I was gay. My mom criedfor a week and my Dad still doesthis thing where he announces himselfbefore walking into any room we'rein to make sure he doesn't seeanything.

CAMERONMy parents always knew. My mothersays she was in labor with me fortwenty-nine hours because I came outof the womb like this:

He does a big wide-armed flourish.

SFX: DOORBELL

MITCHELLUggghhhh. I don't know if I can dothis.

CAMERONI'm giving you three minutes andthen I'm bringing her out.

Cameron retreats for Lily's room. Mitchell opens the doorto reveal Claire, Phil and the kids.

CLAIREHey!

MITCHELLHey guys!

She hands him a bottle of wine.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)Oh, thanks.

CLAIREDon't thank me, just open it. Dadwas parking right behind us.

JAYKnock, knock!

True to form, Jay both KNOCKS and RINGS THE DOORBELL.


JAY (CONT'D)No kissing! We're here.

Jay enters with Gloria and Manny. Jay wears ripped jeans, agarish, very colorful jacket and jeweled Ed Hardy hat. Mannywears his white satin shirt.

MITCHELLDon't worry, Dad, nothing gay goingon in here. May I take your multi-colored coat and jeweled cap?

They all ad-lib greetings.

GLORIA(to Mitchell)

So how was your trip?

MITCHELLOh, it was great. But about that, Iactually have something I need totell you guys...

ANGLE ON CAM

He's just around the corner, holding Lily, waiting for hiscue to enter.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)We didn't just go there forpleasure... We kind of have some bignews.

JAYOh god. If Cam walks out here withboobs, I'm leaving.

CLAIREDad!

HALEYI hope he didn't embarrass you, Mom.

She moves off, with attitude.

CLAIREThat's nothing. She had her firstboy over today, I lost it in frontof them and then Phil shot him.

ANGLE ON CAM

Getting impatient, waiting for his cue.


MITCHELLSo anyway... about a year ago, Camand I started feeling this longingfor something... more.

Haley has joined Manny.

MANNYHello, Haley. You look especiallybeautiful tonight.

GLORIAManny! Give it a rest.

MITCHELLAnyway --

PHIL(having noticed heroutfit)

Wow, that's a beautiful skirt, Gloria.

GLORIAOh, thank you. It's suede, Pheel.

He feels her skirt.

PHIL(hearing "feel")

Ooh, it's --

Claire slaps his hand away.

CLAIREPhil! That's how she says "Phil".

The lights dim.

JAYWhat the hell's going on?

MUSIC CUE: LION KING "CIRCLE OF LIFE"

Everybody turns. Cameron enters holding Lily. In time tothe music, he dramatically raises her toward the heavens. They all look at one another, mystified.

MITCHELLWe adopted a baby.

CLAIREWhat?!

MITCHELLThat's why we went to Vietnam. Hername is Lily.


GLORIAOh my god, look at the little angel!

CLAIREShe's yours?!

MITCHELLI know. I can't believe it either.

PHILHi, Lily.

(TO MITCHELL & CAM)Isn't that going to be tough for herto say?

HALEYShe's so cute.

ALEX(to Haley)

You could totally have one, you know.

Cameron brings Lily over to Jay.

MITCHELLSo... what do you think, grandpa?

Everybody turns to see Jay's reaction.

JAYI gotta admit I never thought I'dget a baby out of you two.

(he takes Lily)You're a cute little fortune cookie,aren't ya?

(then)Okay. That's wet. Someone takehim.

MITCHELLHer, Dad. I'll change her.

CLAIRELet me help.

35 INT. LILY'S ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Mitchell and Claire enter and begin changing Lily's diaper.

CLAIREHow could you not say something?

MITCHELLI don't know. Maybe I thought you'dtry to talk me out of it.


CLAIREI love how you see me as some hugebusybody.

(pushes him aside,takes over changingthe diaper)

I mean, yes, it's a hugeresponsibility, it's gonna put a lotof pressure on you two that you mightnot be able to handle. What did Momsay?

MITCHELLI haven't told her yet, but that wasa good sneak preview.

CLAIRE(re: Lily)

So what do you know about her parents?

MITCHELLNot much. I just know her motherwas sixteen.

CLAIREOh, God. Well, she's gorgeous.

MITCHELLThanks. I just hope...

CLAIREWhat?

MITCHELLI already love her so much and...it's hard enough for any kid, letalone one with two dads. What if,when she gets older, she's ashamedof us?

She hugs him.

CLAIREOh honey, don't be ridiculous. You'reher parents. Of course she'll beashamed of you.

(then)My kids are mortified by me. Whichis pretty ironic considering Haleydresses like a hooker, Alex dresseslike a lesbian and...

36 INT. LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

The whole family is now gathered around a baby monitor on atable.


CLAIRE...Luke can barely get his shoes onthe right feet. And tell me you'renot horrified by Dad and that HuggyBear outfit that Charo out therebought for him.

37 INT. LILY'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

CLAIREThe point is, Lily is the luckiestlittle girl in the world, gettingyou two. So stop worrying.

MITCHELLAll right.

CLAIRECome on, we're all together. Let'sgo out there and enjoy this.

They head back out to the living room.

38 INT. LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

As they enter, everybody stares at them unhappily.

MITCHELLWhat?

FADE TO BLACK.

END OF SHOW

modern family 1x01 - pilot

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