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MODERN FAMILY "SEX ED" by Ryan BuddsWGAw #1281256http://www.ryanbudds.com

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MODERN FAMILY "SEX ED" by Ryan Budds

WGAw #1281256

ACT ONE INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM - DAY CLAIRE is folding laundry on the couch quickly. She finishes a batch and holds up a stopwatch, smiling at the camera. CLAIRE INTERVIEW CLAIRE House work can be tedious, so I like to make games out of it. INT. HALEYS BEDROOM - DAY Claire is shooting balled-up pairs of socks from a laundry basket on the bed to an open drawer. She sinks a few. CLAIRE Woo! Two, a new record. She goes to pick up the loose pairs of socks and then finds a pair of jeans on the floor. CLAIRE (CONTD) (to herself) Come on Haley! I just did laundry. She feels through the pockets and finds a pamphlet. On birth control. With sections highlighted. CLAIRE INTERVIEW CLAIRE (CONTD) I did everything there is to do around the house. And then I found this. So Ive got nothing else to do, except sit here, and think about it. INT. DUNPHY KITCHEN - DAY Claire stares at it a bit longer, then gets up and opens a full can of soda and pours it on the clean floor. She begins mopping it sadly, with much less enthusiasm than before. INT. KITCHEN - EVENING Claire is putting dinner on the table.

2.

CLAIRE Everybody! Come and eat! PHIL enters. PHIL Claire-Bear, Im home. CLAIRE Good. Finally. Listen-Phil cuts her off with a big hug. PHIL Long day! Sold nothing. No gains, no losses. Unless you count the no gains as losses. Because then I lost big time. He goes to kiss her neck. HALEY walks in, Claire pushes Phil away swiftly. Haley stares at them grossed out and then leaves. PHIL (CONTD) What was that? CLAIRE No PDA. Not in front of the kids. PHIL I just went for a quick peck. CLAIRE No pecks. PHIL What about a n-CLAIRE No nuzzles. Save it. Listen, I found something today. Phils face darkens. PHIL Was it a tape or a disc? CLAIRE What? PHIL Im not hiding anything on either format. Thats what.

3.

CLAIRE I found a birth control brochure in a pair of Haleys jeans. PHIL Haley? Birth control? Shes like twelve. CLAIRE Shes eighteen Phil. Youre thinking of Alex. PHIL I know! Gosh. You think shes having sex? CLAIRE I dont know. Yes. Maybe? Shes at that age. And shes been seeing that new guy, Darryl? Theyve been dating for a few months now. Thats longer than the time it took for us to...do it. PHIL It would have been sooner, too, if your dad hadnt scared me with his gun collection. CLAIRE Those were Civil War replicas. PHIL It was the way he was cleaning them. He never looked at the guns. Just me. CLAIRE Look we need to address this. What are we going to do? PHIL Ive got this. Let old dad introduce the topic at dinner. CLAIRE In front of Alex and Luke? PHIL They wont know what were talking about. What are they five and... CLAIRE Stop. We need a better plan.

4.

PHIL Leave it to me. Ill think of something. CLAIRE Just try and be cool about it, okay? Be cool, dont be Phil. PHIL Theres a difference? CLAIRE Big difference. INT. DUNPHY KITCHEN TABLE - EVENING The whole family is sitting down to dinner. ALEX and LUKE swat at each other over a roll. Haley texts with one hand and eats with the other. PHIL (to Haley) So Haley, who are you texting over there? Your new fella? HALEY Yep. And about six other people. And Im retweeting some stuff. PHIL Ah! Tweeting. Birds tweet. Birds tweet and sometimes they...hang out with bees. Have you heard about the birds and the bees? He smiles at his creativity. Claire rubs her eyes. HALEY What bees? Like bumblebees? LUKE I like honey bees. But they dont sting. Hornets are where its at. ALEX Hornets arent bees, stupid. LUKE Mom, Alex is killing my imagination again. CLAIRE Alex dont kill your brother.

5.

Phil has taken his phone out and is checking something. PHIL (to Haley) Why cant I see your tweets? HALEY I just blocked you. Claire pokes Phils arm. CLAIRE (whispering) This is not going well, cool dad. PHIL AND CLAIRE INTERVIEW CLAIRE Its hard to talk about. And its hard to learn about. My mom gave me the talk and it ended with Claire, men like a girl who can drink. PHIL One of the first times I met Claire, I sat on her at a party. I thought she was part of the couch. CLAIRE Thanks mom. INT. JAYS LIVING ROOM - EVENING JAY is watching TV. GLORIA comes home from shopping. GLORIA Hello mi amor. JAY Hey Glo-worm. GLORIA Worm? That must make you the bird. Because in Columbia, we have a saying, the early bird... JAY Catches the worm? GLORIA Oh. Yeah. He can catch it, too.

6.

JAY Im a lucky guy. GLORIA Where is Manny? I bought him some new slippers. Theyre velvet, its his favorite fabric on the feet. JAY He got home from school and went straight to his room. Hes been up there for hours. GLORIA Jay you should do something with him. JAY What do you want me to do? The kid doesnt play catch. He writes memoirs. Hes thirteen, whats he reminiscing about? GLORIA Young love. Talk to him! He shouldnt spend so much time alone. He is starting to go through the changes you know. JAY The changes. Psh, the kid changes colognes every week! GLORIA He needs you. Im his mother. He dont wish to talk to me about pooberty. You are a man, like he will become! JAY Dont they do this in school? What are we paying for? GLORIA Too impersonal! Its embarrassing to ask questions in front of everybody. And my Manny is sure to have a lot of questions. JAY Lets buy the kid a Magic 8 Ball. My treat.

7.

GLORIA Jay! JAY You know I tried this with Mitchell. It didnt take. GLORIA You be there for him. Or I wont be there for you next time you have questions about sex. JAY INTERVIEW JAY I locked Mitchell in his room with a stack of Playboys. All he did was proofread the articles and draw outfits on the naked girls. Very stylish outfits. (thinking) They were pretty good. INT. CAMERON AND MITCHELLS KITCHEN - EVENING CAMERON is on the phone in full-body adult-sized pajamas complete with footies while MITCHELL feeds LILY. CAMERON (to the phone) Yes. Yes. Yes! Of course we can. Definitely, well be there. Thanks, bye bye! MITCHELL Who was that? And I thought we agreed to stop wearing pajamas at six pm. CAMERON Mitchell you know Lily and I nap. These are my nap clothes. Nevermind. Guess who that was? MITCHELL I did guess, I said Pajama Police. CAMERON No. It was a callback. Lilys callback. Lilys first callback! Cam screams high pitched and excitedly. Mitchell cringes.

8.

MITCHELL Callback? How did she audition to begin with? CAMERON I saw a flyer at Starbucks and emailed a head shot, okay? MITCHELL Lily has head shots? When did Lily get head shots? CAMERON When one of her dads pointed a camera at her head and shot it! Cameron holds up a black and white 8x10 of Lily looking cute in three different poses and outfits. MITCHELL Come on Cam, shes a barely out of the toddler stage. Are we going to go through this again? Cameron sweeps up to the table and scoops up Lily. CAMERON Mitchell, look at this face. We cant deny these eyes from the masses that might line up one day to see her play Meryl Streep in a... Meryl Streep biopic! MITCHELL Couldnt think of a name? CAMERON Id need more time to do it justice. I have a list somewhere. MITCHELL Whats the audition for? CAMERON Childrens Shakespeare in the park. Its simplified! Its at night! Its mystical! MITCHELL Its crazy. (to Lily) Lily, do you want to be in a play? Lily nods her head.

9.

MITCHELL (CONTD) Do you know what a play is? She nods again. MITCHELL (CONTD) What do you think a play is? LILY Ice cream! Daddy says play equals ice cream. Cam looks guilty. MITCHELL Working on definitions, are we? CAMERON Oh come on! Weve got to get down to the park in twenty minutes. MITCHELL Fine. Ill dress Lily. CAMERON No! Ive got it. You...go brush something. He messes up Mitchells hair with both hands. MITCHELL AND CAMERON INTERVIEW MITCHELL Cameron doesnt always like the way I dress Lily. CAMERON He dressed her in a yellow dress with a black beanie the other day. She looked like a banana. MITCHELL It was cute! CAMERON For a dog, on Halloween. MITCHELL Youre being overdramatic. CAMERON One day, our daughter will win an Oscar for being overdramatic. (MORE)

10. CAMERON (CONT'D) And well be able to trace it all back to this first all-star performance!

Cam gleams. Mitchell sighs. END OF ACT ONE

11.

ACT TWO INT. HALEYS BEDROOM - EVENING Haley is on her laptop. Claire comes in with two bowls of ice cream. CLAIRE Two scoops, chocolate sauce, no nuts. HALEY Thanks. CLAIRE Listen, Haley, dinner was a little weird. HALEY A little? CLAIRE Okay a lot weird. Your dad and I are just worried that you might be-how do I say this? I found something today and-Suddenly, frequent tapping is heard hitting Haleys window. CLAIRE (CONTD) What is that? HALEY Where is it coming from? They go over to the window and find DARRYL on the front lawn with a hand full of pebbles. He throws one at Claire without looking. CLAIRE Ow! DARRYL Oh my gosh, sorry! HALEY DARRYL! What are you doing here? DARRYL I was dreaming of you and I wanted to make my dreams a reality. Haley is entranced. Claire is baffled.

12.

HALEY Aw. CLAIRE Really? That line? (holding head) Great, I think Im bleeding. INT. MANNYS BEDROOM - EVENING Jay is checking on Manny, as per Glorias suggestion. JAY (through door) Knock knock kid! MANNY Who is it? JAY Youve got two guesses. Do I sound Columbian? MANNY Come in. Jay enters. JAY What are you doing all cooped up in here? MANNY Nothing. You wouldnt understand. JAY Oh Id understand alright. I raised two cooky kids, theres nothing I dont understand. MANNY Its about my body. JAY Oh boy. MANNY And girls. JAY Here we go.

13.

MANNY How can I get girls to want my body? JAY Geez, Manny youre getting a little ahead of yourself here. Youre not Don Juan. Youre a kid. MANNY I may be a kid but I still have urges. JAY Well thats normal. I had urges at your age. MANNY You did? JAY Yeah everybody does! Its p