No Impact Man Essays 2012Suggestions for Improvement

I graded your essay

NOT you!

“When we heal the earth, we heal ourselves” Many proved this point by proving the

opposite: When we hurt the earth, we hurt ourselves.

Plot Summary vs. Supportive Example Beavan knew going into this project how hard it would

be, but not until he actually discovered it did he realize how truly difficult it would be. Day one of his project and he has already realized going green “does not mean running into a phone booth and coming out transformed into some sort of eco-hero—It doesn’t in fact, feel heroic at all” (19). Saving the world without life’s luxuries does not increase the quality of life. Beavan knew he was “bound to fail at the time” (20). But, living in New York City was an added challenge, for elevators and fuel burning transportation is almost a necessity. (entire first body paragraph)

Plot Summary or supportive example? Beavan’s process to create peace in the world

exemplifies his search for peace in his own mind. Beavan shows that a peaceful mind makes a peaceful man” (216) who ultimately makes a peaceful world. He reiterates that “we individuals are the system” (221) in order for the system and our habits to change, we have to take the first steps. . . . He starts out worried that it is seventy degrees in January and that no one is doing anything to stop global warming. However, by the culmination of his project, he discovers more about himself an learns a lot more about human nature. (part of first body paragraph—with middle omitted)

How can a writer revise a paragraph with too much plot summary?

Using images to solidify a point Replace this sentence with a sentence

with an image: “The average human creates much

more waste than they should be creating.”

Topic Sentences Features: first sentence of each paragraph, claim, &

key words from prompt/thesis “To begin with, finding and implementing conciliatory

solutions to the global environment can make our psychological well being far better.”

“The Earth should be appreciated.” “As Beavan researched for his No Impact Man project,

he discovered an organization called the New Economics Foundation, that created an equation called the “HPI” which divides the average amount of happy years a citizen of a country has by their impact on the environment (92).

Discuss Warrants & Links Society’s vs. societies’

Visitors to Japan and China will quickly notice that the ______________ norms are quite different.

If _______________ ways do not change, the earth is in deep trouble.

In your essay, please consider: Your lead Your thesis Your topic sentences The specificity & development of your

evidence Your paragraph clinchers Your best vocabulary

Note of self-reflection What is the main improvement you

hope to make in your next essay?

“Nobody called the cops”Tips for 4ab

When was the EPA created? Dec. 2, 1970 Interestingly, it was signed into law by

Nixon, within six months of the burning, Cuyahoga River :/

How much. . . ? Prewriting Writing

Strengths: “This example only focuses on agriculture.”

“just one example (of many) “People have continued to make a

difference too: Al Core with his facts of global warming (An Inconvenient Truth), Annie Leonard with her research against over consumption (The Story of Stuff), and Colin Beavan with his project “to live without making any impact on the environment” (1).

Thesis: “Indeed in the modernity of the 21st

century, these words have never been truer, due to our innate hedonism, human nature and the consumerism driven system we live in”

Qualifying thesis 1: “Brooks’ statement still holds true today

in the sense that we still ‘murder land’ for profit because we’re tearing down the forests at an alarming rate, but part of Brooks’ statement doesn’t ring true because there is a group of people, such as Colin Beavan, that are doing something and raising awareness about the destruction of the environment”

Qualifying Thesis 2: “Paul Brooks’ view on the injustice of

America’s destruction of the land is somewhat correct because of the ability of some current industries such as the automobile industry to cause harm to the planet without any consequences; however, since the time of Paul Brooks’ writing, America has passed many environmental legislations that attempt to restrict and provide punishment to those who ‘murder the land’ (Brooks).

To improve: No “Mr.” before the author’s name. Not Brook’s Brooks’ statement… Avoid “what phrases” which define

rather than illustrate Be concise

“Reshape ourselves to fit”Tips for 5ab

Great examples: Lorax Story of Stuff Thoreau/Walden Silent Spring