Nurturing Your Own Couple Relationship

At Home

CES Conference, October 19, 2010, Madison WI

Linda J. Roberts, Nancy Brooks, Gail Peavey

Relationships Matter

Theories of Human Development Conclude: Relationships are

Fundamental

• Close relationships play a central role in human life– humans are conceived within relationships,

born into relationships, and live their lives within relationships with others

– each individual is dependent upon others• for survival, for food, shelter and aid• for emotional comfort, companionship,

community.

Theory: The fundamental human need to belong

• Baumeister, R.F., & Leary, M.R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117, 497-529.

Attachment Theory (John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth)

• Evolutionary theory and an early experience theory (nature and nurture each important)

• Nature: We love instinctually--we are preprogrammed for relationship, preprogrammed to bond.

• Nature: Attachment behavior characterizes human beings throughout life– “from the cradle to the grave”

• Nurture: Patterns established in childhood in parent-child relationships tend to structure the quality of later adult-adult relationships

Research Evidence• Low social integration is a major risk factor for

mortality– Age adjusted relative risk ratio exceeds that of

cigarette smoking

• Support for this claim spans from Durkheim’s seminal study of suicide (1897) to recent primate studies

Just one of many strands of evidence: Alameda County Study• 17 year study of 7,000 men and women• Those who lack social contact - Friends,

relatives, church, social groups - had 3.1 fold higher death rate

• This was independent of age, gender, race, self reported health, smoking, overeating, physical activity and ETOH consumption– Berkman, L and L. Breslow, “Healthy Ways of Living: The Alemeda

County Study” New York, Oxford University Press, 1983

Why Couple Relationships Matter

• It’s in our biology: – Pair Bonding: we are biologically “pre-

programmed” to couple.

• It’s in the social fabric– Marriage as a social institution– Most people value marriage and will marry

• Monitoring the Future (high school seniors) 76% say a good marriage and family life is extremely important, 80% think they will marry.

•

Why Couple Relationships Matter

• Our Health and Well-being and the Health and Well-being of Children.– Coupling has been linked to important

outcomes such as physical health, well-being, even mortality of the partners.

– Coupling is the context for the creation of a new generation.

• The quality of a couple bond has an impact on child outcomes

Processes over structure: Looking Beyond Marital Status

What might “being married” stand for?

Processes over structure

– What might “being married” stand for?• Belonging—having at least one “confidant”• Loving and being loved• Having instrumental care and support

• Economic advantages (shared household, insurance benefits, etc.)

• Societal recognition and support

– Measurement and science: marital status is an easy variable to measure, the underlying processes more difficult.

Married (or otherwise close to someone) with Heart Disease• 1,400 men and women post cardiac

catheterization• Variables: “Are you married?” and “Do you

have someone you can confide in?”• People who were not married and had no

close confidant had three times the death rate of the other groups over 5 years

– Williams, RB et al, JAMA 1992, 267(4):520-24

UW Extension Family Living Programs Healthy Relationships Team

HeaRTOur Vision:

Through its work, the Healthy Relationships Team envisions strong, stable and secure couple and marriage

relationships which will nurture the health and well-being of both partners as well as other family members.

Our Mission:To expand/increase educational programs, resources

and support to strengthen couple and marriage relationships throughout Wisconsin and beyond.

Work -Family Balance

• Work Couple Balance!

An UnhappyWisconsinCouple

The couple bond is fragile and tattered

• Separation and divorce– 50-55% of marriages end in divorce

• Besides death of a family member, most stressful event in life

• Adverse effects for children as well as the adults

• Together but unhappy– Conflict, withdrawal, alienation, and violence.

• Adverse effects for children as well as adults

Relationship Quality Matters

• Adults and children are at increased risk for mental and physical problems due to marital or relationship distress.

The search for positive processes: Relationship Science

Relationship ScienceRoots in Wisconsin

• International Association for Relationship Research

• 1970, Madison Wisconsin site of first meeting

• Wisconsin Senator Proxmire led charge to stop funding for projects designed to help us understand relationships

What Predicts Negative Relationship Outcomes?

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Dynamic Processes that Predict Healthy Relationships

• Resolve conflict, decrease or stop negative patterns

• Enact positive processes, caregiving, fun, support, affection, love.

Positive to Negative Ratio

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA

• Dr. John Gottman

Research has shown that how we communicate is one

of the easier parts of our relationships to change.

DYNAMIC and CHANGEABLE

Difficulty Connecting Cartoon

Paired up and in bed with an Extension Worker -

• What have you found the most helpful in finding time for your partner?

?

How is Your“RelationshipWork Ethic”?

• Good, intimate relationships take a willingness to constantly find the time and energy to work on them.

Take time for one another

• Set aside a specific time of the day for each other.

• Good things take time.

A build-up of negative communication(4 Danger Signs)

A failure to nurture thepositives—appreciation, fun, affection, & friendship,

Positive Processes

• Connection– John Gottman on bids for connection

• Fun

• Care and Support– Work stress support

Making the Most of Fun

1. Do different, NOVEL things

2. Plan for little and BIG fun

3. Be present

4. Relive past good times

5. Be inventive, use our “relationship boosters” handout.

To battle we go

• Conflicts happen in every relationship

• Conflicts can be healthy!

• Molehills are not mountains

It’s a minefield out there

More than you knew…

Couples Beware…

What are some behavior patterns to avoid?

Couples Beware…

• Escalation

• Avoidance/withdrawal

• Negative interpretation

• Put downs

Time Out—What to Do

1. Recognize escalation is a

2. Say, “We or I need a Time Out.”

3. Do or say something to calm yourself down.

4. Come back to talk about it—wait at least

30 minutes, but no more than 24 hours.

You need a TIME-IN, later on!

Emotional Repair

• Successfully-resolved conflicts involve “emotional repair”

• This process takes time and may require a cooling off period first

Simple Acts of Care

• Take a look at the handout

• What are the special acts of care YOU would want?

• What are the special acts of care YOUR partner would want.

• “Do unto your other as your other would want done unto them.”

Love Languages• Words of

Affirmation• Quality Time• Receiving Gifts• Acts of Service• Physical Touch

Paired up and in bed with an Extension Worker -

• What are the unique issues that you have experienced in your home relationship because of your Extension work?

How do couple relationships matter for your work?

It’s at the heart

of the matter!

University of Wisconsin-Extension, Family Living Programs