Oil on the Waters: Practical Techniques

for Calming Difficult Library Users

An Infopeople WorkshopSpring/ Summer 2005

Presented by:Edmond Otis, M.S., M.F.T.

eotis@BaronCenter.com

Our Agenda

AWARENESS: Identifying Dangerous Interpersonal Dynamics

ATTITUDE - HOW TO ACT:

Controlling for the “Predator or Prey Reality”

COMMUNICATION: Avoiding the “Head in the Sand Syndrome”

TRAINING: Practice Makes Perfect—Learned Reactions for

Personal Safety

Our Goal

Reduce your risk of being caught off guard or of being unable to cope with potentially explosive interactions.

Redirect danger and irrationality before it escalates.

Increase your persuasiveness to interrupt and divert the flow of heated emotions, words and events.

Effectively control conflict and facilitate productive resolutions.

Angry or entitled guests

Vandals Gangsters Mentally ill –

emotionally disturbed Substance abusers

Homeless Entitled parents Non-English speakers Teenagers or small

children Elderly or developmentally

disabled

Who Are We Dealing With?

GROUP EXERCISE #1

SKILL ASSESSMENT

The risk of violence is especially great in situations where we are

actively involved in problem solving, negotiating, and/or confronting

angry, agitated and potentially violent library users.

Know Your tools!

Personal Interpersonal ORGANIZATIONAL!

The broken window theory…

Don’t wait – act quickly.

Rule # 1 – It’s Not Personal !

It’s exhausting to try to change people.

Keep your emotional distance.

JUST OFFER CHOICES!

AWARENESS: Identifying Dangerous Interpersonal Dynamics

Danger cues – see handout

The “Assault Cycle”

Reacting to the most common types of assault

The motivations for conflict & violence

Instinct: Trust your intuition!

Human beings are the only only

creatures who override their

intuition.

You Choose…

1. Apathy

2. The Brush-off

3. Coldness

4. Condescension

5. Robotism

6. The Rulebook

7. The Runaround

1. Empathy

2. Attentiveness

3. Warmth

4. Respect

5. Engaging

6. Flexibility

7. Responsive

Personal or Professional Gas to fire A little baking soda

The Assault Cycle1. Event Trigger

The event that “justifies” the violent outburst

2. Escalation Psyching up or gaining momentum

3. Crisis Point Violence or violent outburst

4. Recovery Decrease of vigilance (may be temporary)

5. Post-crisis Depression Fatigue, depression or guilt for some

(Smith, 1983)

…what do you do if?

Motivators Of Violent Behavior

Fear Frustration Manipulation Intimidation

Watch for the Warning Signs!

GROUP EXERCISE #2

DON’T PULL THE TRIGGER!

What guest + what behavior = what event trigger

ATTITUDE: Controlling for the “Predator or Prey Reality”

I’ve got the power!

Projecting a professional, competent attitude to avoid being a target

Using the SELF to gain cooperation and avoid or defuse explosive situations

The Predator Or Prey Reality

How you project yourself onto the social

environment has a direct impact upon how others

will relate to you ...

… as do expectations and stereotypes.

65% of Communication is non-verbal.

The percentage increases as emotions rise.

Know Your “Attitude” Tools

Body Language Posture, Movements, Gestures & Stances Positioning, Distance, Proximity & Barriers

Space Eye contact Voice Attitude Appearance

GROUP EXERCISE # 3

Face-to-face“Know Your Tools” – checklist skill practice

COMMUNICATION: Avoiding the “Head-in-the-Sand Syndrome”

Clear perceptions and non-defensive responses positively impact on our social environment

Verbal communication skills

Verbal formulas for gaining compliance

Control the course of verbal confrontation

Good communication often depends more on what people hear

than on what they say...

How To Communicate

1. Listen 2. Watch 3. Listen 4. Talk

5. Continue as needed.

To Really Communicate You Need To…

Make psychological contact

Be calm - use relaxed breathing

Be empathetic and authentic

Respect people’s feelings, beliefs and emotions - we are concerned with behaviors

Use mimesis make yourself similar

WHY DO PEOPLE YELL?

More On How To Communicate

Demonstrate that you hear what is being said

Speak the person’s language

Reflect feelings and facts

Clarify and paraphrase

Ask open-ended questions

Rule #2

Never ever tell ANYONE to

“CALM DOWN”

Use the Magic Phrase -

“... I can see that you’re upset.”

Current behavior = consequences

New behavior = benefits

Use the “Formula For Compliance”

If your intent is on having them do

something specific – or, “obey you”, then you are too

involved!

When Dealing with a Group - Follow The Leader!

Respect the rules of the group

When dealing with groups - Negotiate with individuals

Find and follow the leader!

Share a confidence

Separate angry individuals from each other and the crowd

Triangle The ProblemAllow people to be responsible

for their own actions –

and to make choices

Rule #3You are there to help!

Passing The Buck (correctly!) … … can help everyone.

1. Walk together to supervisor

2. Repeat the story

3. Hand off to supervisor

4. Leave

You can do the same on the phone…

TRAINING: Practice Makes Perfect

Maintaining emotional balance and mental focus while under stress

Leaving and/or calling for assistance

Skills: demonstration and practice

GROUP EXERCISE #4

Face-to-face“Communication Strategies”

skills practice

Rule # 4

Only say what you mean.

Always mean what you say.

Have a goal - don’t be emotionally, mentally, or physically passive or arrogant

Trust what your emotions tell you - use them as sensors ...

However, your emotions are not thoughts - don’t be trapped by expectations, hopes or patterns

How To React – Emotional Awareness:

Rule # 5

It is irrational to rationalize

with someone who is irrational.

Interacting With the Police

Calling 911 or 9-911 from a facility phone.

Interacting with the dispatcher:What will they ask?

What information is critical?

“Code” words?

Expected police response:Non-emergency versus emergency

Motivators Of Violent Behavior

Fear Frustration Manipulation Intimidation

Match Your Reaction to the Immediate Problem !

GROUP EXERCISE #5

Assessment and Response Strategies

Recognize and respond appropriately to difficult people’s motivation and actions

Adapt appropriate response persona (emotional common sense – verbal and non-verbal communication skills)

Respond to remove yourself from danger

If necessary initiate appropriate departmental policy

DON’T FORGET…

Please fill out an evaluation before you leave.

Thank you, and be safe!