parenting styles and their effects on a child's growth and development
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting styles and their effect on a child’s growth and development
Prepared by: Angie de Casanove – Senior Diabetes Social Worker
BSW, GradDipChildPS,MMH (Psychotherapy)
Presenter: Sue Foley - Senior Social Worker, B.SocStud., MA., MSW., Med,
The Department of Psychological Medicine, The Children’s Hospital at
Westmead.
Sue Foley: Who am I? Why am I here?
Dan Siegel
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD-lfP1FBFk
• The Whole Brain Child
Parents and regular carers
Adults and older siblings are the primary source of positive parenting and welling being for children.
Today’s presentation – positive parenting in the context of vulnerability; a practical orientation
The concept of positive parenting seems to have an increased profile as professionals and government reflect on the importance of :
Prevention of maltreatment or abuse
Promotion of health and mental health of babies, children and young people
Reducing the cost burden of adverse childhood experiences on various populations
The hope is that positive, protective parenting /care will perhaps reduce the cultures of violence that are influenced by multiple sources.
The presentation framework. I will comment on the following:
What is vulnerability?
What is positive parenting in practice?
How does vulnerability (of parents or children) impact on the capacity of parents and carers to positively parent?
How can we address vulnerability, prevent harm and promote well-being? What can we learn from clinical experience and research ?
When can professionals promote positive parenting?
What do we know about the way TRAUMA and trauma creates parental vulnerability?
Some examples
All in about 20 minutes
Positive parenting (1)
Means:
Recognising and planning to meet the multiple needs of children of all ages, within the relevant cultural context
Responding to these needs safely and without causing harm
Parents being mindful
Positive parenting is ‘nice’ for children and parents
It is protective and enhances attachment.
Positive parenting (2)
Presumes that negative parenting – lots of ‘no’s’ and ‘don’ts’, controlling and negative attributions towards the child – is bad for children and parents!
That parents are mindful, flexible, responsible, repairers, wise, loving, purposeful and aware of how to ensure the safety and wellbeing of children
Parents helping children self-regulate and interact appropriately
Positive parenting education or capacity building
Can take many forms
Needs to be accessible in form and process – visual, practice, reflective
Positive parenting education needs to address parental self awareness, beliefs about children and the triggers that their involvement with children creates.
Positive parenting – talk less listen more**; Be aware of emotions in interactionsBrain Based parenting
Needs to be incorporated respectfully and naturally into as many interactions with children and parents as possible.
In the context of vulnerability, a positive parenting framework needs to acknowledge and attend to the vulnerability components.
(**Michael Hawton)
How does vulnerability of any kind impact on the capacity to
positively parent?
What are some of the potential impacts of vulnerability? Hyper-arousal; hyper-sensitivity
May increase impulsivity and reactivity
May inhibit reflection – overwhelming emotions / confuse and inhibit effective thinking
May increase sensitivity to noise, to the day by day demands of caring for a child/children
May increase the possibility of unintentional physical harm or neglect
May increase conflict between parents and other family members
Our own experience of being parented
Our own personality and close relationships – our attachment style
What we learn from people around us
The stresses we face or have faced in our life
Our child’s personality and functioning style – their style can clash with child's temperament
Culture, lifestyle, belief system
Our support system and sense of competence
Influences on our parenting style
Parents in a family often have different parenting styles
This is not always a bad thing
It is important for parents to work together, even when their styles are different
Its helpful to discuss the rules and support each other in enforcing them (have a conversation about differing values and beliefs)
Even when parents have trouble getting along with each other, they should try to talk to each other and come to an agreement about parenting
It is important not to undermine the other parent, or keep secrets with the child
You don’t have to agree on every part of parenting as long as you respect each other and work on a way that doesn’t confuse the kids
C Co-parenting &Different Styles
What is helicopter parenting?
To “hover over our children”, the term was first used in 1969 in a parenting book after interviewing children and parents.
Helicopter parenting is parents who engage in over-parenting in a way that goes beyond being a responsible parent. The parenting style tends to have elements of anxiety, controlling, fear and trying to strive for perfection. Perfect parenting does not exist it only creates unrealistic expectations.
How does helicopter parenting develop?
Overcompensation
Anxiety
Peer pressure
Fear
Self sacrifice
The extreme ends of a parenting
Helicopter parenting style
Dismissive/withdrawn parenting style
Try to find something in between
What does it look like in diabetes?
Over-parenting a child with diabetes?
Do you do more finger pricks than the Diabetes
Team is advising?
Do you attend the school to check on your child
unnecessarily?
Do you prevent your child from attending social
events due to diabetes?
Do you discourage your child from managing
diabetes independently - when this is age appropriate?
Do you do most of your child's diabetes care even when
their peers with diabetes are independent?
Helicopter parenting anda chronic illness
Parents of children with diabetes must deal with
many more pressures then other parents –
and can feel many trauma-like symptoms
Some symptoms:
Fear: of severe hypos and future complications
Guilt: feeling sorry for your child, feel like it was something you may have done or feeling you are not controlling the diabetes well enough
Anxiety: School, sleep overs and child's management of diabetes when you are not there
Stress : Juggling the diabetes regimen: having meals ready on time, always being prepared when going out, having the right foods in the house, trying to include siblings and overall loss of some flexibility
A parents experience
“I have learned over the last three years to be less controlling and not wear the burden of the diabetes myself. There are support networks available to me, including my social worker, educator and my family and friends. Having trust in these people has allowed me to step back and not be so anxious or needing to have control over every situation. I am sure this also is combined with gaining confidence and now having experienced almost everything we can have experienced and come through the other side”
Mother of an 8 yr. old boy
What does the research tell us about over-engaged parenting style Overprotective parenting (behaviour) which includes
perceived child vulnerability (thoughts and feelings) is an intense combination
Perceived and communicated child vulnerability is linked to poor school work (The five to one rule)
Children’s health outcomes are directly associated with how well parents are coping . Caring for yourself is an important part of the process
Parents of children with diabetes face a distinct challenge not to overprotect, particularly in younger children, where parents need to take substantial control in managing their child’s health.
The problem is excessive control, particularly when considering the developmental level and abilities of the child
More Lessons from research to think about:
When parents communicate worries to their child such as
muttering to themselves, “that’s a bad bgl!” or facial
expressions showing anger due to imperfect bgl numbers-
this may convey that the child is vulnerable and helpless,
which in turn leads to increased levels of anxiety and
depression in children
Overprotective parenting is understandable in the beginning of diagnosis, this should change as the grief is processed and confidence rises
Studies have shown that there is a link between helicopter parenting and less independency for the child in the future
If helicopter parenting continues long-term, this can be very harmful for children's mental health and social development such as levels of independence and feeling confident
Building blocks to children's characters and coping
Parenting can impact on a child's sense of self and their world if a child feels early on they should worry all the time because it will make them safe they end up feeling vulnerable and reliant on others to feel complete.
Excessive worry from parents can cause children to develop certain traits in adulthood –
Dependency
Enmeshment/undeveloped self
Exaggerated fears (catastrophising situations)
Also feelings of entitlement (due to the
intense focus on them as a child)
A strategy - PACE
Playfulness
Acceptance
Curiosity
Empathy (Dr Daniel Hughes)
Using Story-telling
Ref Brain-Based Parenting; The Neuroscience of Caregiving for Healthy Attachment. DR Dan Hughes and Jonathan Baylin
What can I do to minimisethis?
Allow your child space to grow
Trust others to look after your child (educate them, give them a chance)
Slow down….take a deep breath then react
Practice mindful parenting (observe self)
Follow diabetes staff advice esp. with independence milestones and trusting pump
Let your child take small risks to help them learn
Mix up parts of the routine that are flexible such as the fun activities you do on the weekend. Try new things!
Reconsider telling your child all the plans to help them learn to cope with the unknown and things out of their control
Messy play to learn to sit with feelings of being out of control and imperfection (mud cakes, face painting, swim in rivers, camping)
More ideas
Ask yourself does this behaviour serve my anxiety or my child's wellbeing. Consider not just diabetes management but also mental health
Encourage independence at school and with finger pricks (set small goals to work towards)
Prescribe family fun
Discuss bgl numbers as numbers to help guide the next step instead of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ numbers because kids are egocentric. This means I'm bad
Take breaks for yourself, exercise, eat healthy foods, sleep well, book fun things to look forward to (yoga and meditation are great ways to practice releasing anxious energy)
Consider timing when putting your child on a pump or sensor (rushing change can create more anxiety)
Children need to learn a balance between diabetes demands, life stressors and the need for a care-free lifestyle
And some more
Teaching your child self –regulation by allowing them to experience imperfection and dealing with it
Get support from partner or family
Be brave and ask for feedback from people who know you well. Do you think I can be overbearing with my child at times?
Ask yourself, who has the control and who needs it?
Address issues as they arise (unresolved issues can make things complicated)
Use bear card/apps to help child identify emotions and communicate their distress
Other Tools:
Feelings Noughts and Crosses (next slide)
Thanks to Liana Lowenstein – lots of great resources on her website too (mostly free)
Also use metaphors – butterflies
Angry tummy dinosaurs etc
Story telling cards:
Identifying, managing and tolerating unpleasant feelings and the associated story
Drawing paper or
Noughts and Crosses Feelings Game – (make tailor made version)
Use token or coloured sweets
Talk about a time when you felt this feeling
Then Identify the problem feeling and write on a card
Identify distraction processes or sources of comfort
Happy Angry
GuiltyScared Loved
RelievedJealous Sad
Nervous
Reflection exercises
Knowing your triggers- Mindful parenting
Under what circumstances do you tend to revert to a different parenting style?
Examples: Child embarrasses me, lashes out,
Lies to me, when your tired, feel your not
supported or BGLs are high with no explanation
Mottos/Values and what it says about us
“If its not done well its not worth doing”
“Slow and steady wins the race”
“Love overcomes everything”
Get help for yourself –Just like Olympic athletes do! A neutral person to talk to or “rave” to –
if onlys are fine!!
Use meditation - EFT type activities – mindfulness, breathing, intentional creative activities – new things
Be safe – emotionally, physically and relationally.
No shame in asking for help or ideas
Dance, move, have fun
Use sensory comfort, colour, taste, sound
Recognise your own anxiety symptoms – they fuel both helicopter parenting and distance or shut down parenting
Another resource:
Dr Dan Siegel an Dr Tina Bryson –The Whole Brain Child – Book, CD, DVD
Name it to Tame It – manage right brain behaviour with left brain story telling
Engage don’t enrage – help the child (and you) to think and listen and not react
Move it or lose – use physical and creative activities to shift the distressed or negative
emotional state.
References and sources (from Angie)
Colletti, C.J.M., Wolfe-Christensen, C., Carpentier, M.Y., Page, M.C., McNall-Knapp, R.Y., Meyer, W.H., Chaney, J.M. & Mullins, L.L. 2008, "The relationship of parental overprotection, perceived vulnerability, and parenting stress to behavioral, emotional, and social adjustment in children with cancer", Pediatric blood & cancer, vol. 51, no. 2, pp. 269-274.
De Casanove, A, Stipp, S, Loos, M, Fletcher, M, Zelestis, E, Brown, C, Cullen, M, Kaplan, J, Australian Diabetes Council, 2013, “ Diabetes Matters, Coping with the ups and downs of diabetes”
Holmbeck, G.N., Johnson, S.Z., Wills, K.E., McKernon, W., Rose, B., Erklin, S. & Kemper, T. 2002, "Observed and Perceived Parental Overprotection in Relation to Psychosocial Adjustment in Preadolescents With a Physical Disability: The Mediational Role of Behavioral Autonomy", Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, vol. 70, no. 1, pp. 96-110.
Hullmann, S.E., Wolfe-Christensen, C., Ryan, J.L., Fedele, D.A., Rambo, P.L., Chaney, J.M. & Mullins, L.L. 2010, "Parental Overprotection, Perceived Child Vulnerability, and Parenting Stress: A Cross-Illness Comparison", Journal of Clinical Psychology in Medical Settings, vol. 17, no. 4, pp. 357-365.
Mullins, L.L., Hoff, A., Fuemmeler, B.F., Ewing, C.A., Van Pelt, J. & Chaney, J.M. 2004, "The Relationship of Parental Overprotection and Perceived Child Vulnerability to Depressive Symptomatology in Children With Type 1 Diabetes Mellitus: The Moderating Influence of Parenting Stress", Children's Health Care, vol. 33, no. 1, pp. 21-34.
Resources