Peaceful resolutionsTO ESTATE DISPUTES

1. Vision your "new normal"

The loss of a loved one can alter the landscape of your life. It can make you

reassess what is important, or reaffirm your values. Start by identifying what’s

important to you and your family. Imagine what your “new normal” without your

loved one might look like, what job you might hold, how you might spend your

leisure time, where you might be living and with whom etc. Do the same exercise

for your family members, or if you’re on good speaking terms, ask them to do the

same task themselves and share your answers between you.

To help you lift your eyes to your new horizon, I encourage you to do this simple butpowerful exercise. Close your eyes and try to imagine yourself in a few years' time. (For those devastatedby loss, it can be really difficult to imagine life without your loved one. Be assured, thisis not about forgetting them. Imagine fast-forwarding through all of the awful parts ofgrief and arriving at a healthy place on the other side.) The intense anguish of your grief has passed, the ugly confrontations with your familymembers are behind you, the hurt or anger you have felt in dealing with the fallouthas resolved, the estate administration has been finalised and the estates battle isover. What does your life look like? Think about these questions:

Mapping out your future

Where do you live? Who are your nearest and dearest? What are you doing? Where are you working or volunteering? What are your new interests or hobbies?

1. Envision your forever-altered 'new normal'

Losing a loved one can feel like you have had the rug pulled from under you. It can

literally feel like the world as you know it is shaken and shattered. It can leave you

feeling like you have lost your way. Facing a battle over the estate at such a stressful

time can make things worse. If you want to stay out of court and try to reach

settlement with your family members in a calm way, then here are our top 10 tips to

give you the best chance of doing just that.

Write down what changes you could make now to take your life a step closer to thatideal. These will then become some goals to aim for. These can be big-picture goals, or they can be small changes that might make a bigdifference. Ask yourself: Write your first goal at the top of a piece of paper, then write down a series of smallertasks that will help you achieve that goal. You might need to do some homework tosee if and how certain goals might be viable. At the bottom of the page, write downwhat rewards you will allow yourself once you have 1) done your homework, 2) made adecision and set out further steps, and then 3) achieved your goal.

What things can you do now that you didn't have time for before? Are there new interests that you have been meaning to try, or old hobbies that youcould return to? Is it time to take a little holiday to reconnect with family or friends? What can you do to take care of yourself, physically and mentally? Where do you see yourself living long term? Do you take comfort in living in thesame home and having items around you that remind you of your loved one, orwould you find it easier to cope by moving house and having a clean slate?

2. Map out the path

3. Take some baby steps

2. Identify your values and your big picture goals for your future

By taking the time to work out your own personal values and goals and then

basing your decisions on those, you will make measured and purposeful decisions

that you will be proud of. Many grieving families become entangled in disputes

because they get caught up in “righting” past injustices and they attach figures to

their emotions. It is far more important to focus on trying to reach a settlement

that will help you live out the life you value, or focus on the type of relationship

you hope to have with your family into the future.

Your values are likely to be influenced by:

So how does anyone go about identifying their core values?

Start by thinking back over your life to the times you were most content or the

moments where you felt proud or fulfilled. Try and think of a few times - from both

childhood and adulthood, in your work life and in your personal life - when you

experienced joy and felt good about yourself and the choices you were making. Write

those down. Are there any common themes or threads in those moments that help

you identify what you value the most?

Sometimes reading through a list of common core values (like the list on the next

page) can help you to label your values. Start by going through the list on the next

page and circling the values that resonate for you. Narrow them down to ten or

fifteen, then group similar ones together and try again to narrow them down to five or

six. 

Now is the time for a bit of feedback from your nearest and dearest. Ask them the

following questions:

Discover your core values

What do I pay the most attention to?

What do I value the most?

What traits make me unique (love them or hate them!)?

At what times in my life have I been happiest?

What gives me the most energy?

What comes easily to me that is harder for others?

Family: In childhood, you probably developed an internal reference for what is good

or bad, what is important in life and what to work hard for.

Experiences: Your life experiences (such as travelling overseas), your education, your

successes and your personal challenges often adjust or transform your values.

Faith: If you have a personal faith, you will no doubt hold values that align with the

tenets of your world view.

Community: If you are part of an active community or movement, your values will

likely align with the values of that community.

Culture: Our values are influenced by the culture and political system of the country

in which we live.

Now look over your top values. Do they make you feel good about yourself? Are you

proud of them? Would you stand by these values even if making a stand based on

these values isn't popular? If so, you have identified values that will fit with your life

and your vision for it.

Authenticity Commitment Ethics Honesty Listening Poise

Achievement Community Excitement Hope Love Potential

Accountability Compassion Faith Humour Loyalty Simplicity

Advancement Competency Fairness Independence Meaning Spirituality

Adventure Confidence Fame Influence Mindfulness Stability

Appreciation Connection Family Initiative Movement Status

Authority Contribution FinancialSecurity

InnerHarmony

Nature Strength

Autonomy Creativity Forgiveness Integrity Openness Structure

Balance Curiosity Friendships Intellectual Optimism Success

Beauty Decisiveness Freedom Intention Order Tolerance

Belief Determination Fun Joy Organisation Tradition

Boldness Development Generosity Justice Passion Trust

Calm Diligence Giving Kindness Patience Truth

Challenge Efficiency Gratitude Knowledge Peace Understanding

Change Environment Growth Laughter Persistence Unity

Choice Emotion Happiness Leadership Planning Variety

Collaboration Equality Health Learning Pleasure Vitality

Wealth Wholeness Wisdom

Sample List of Values

3. Think outside the box

Often family members hold a belief that for a “fair” division of the estate, the

dollar value must be “equal”. Try to think outside the square and beyond the

monetary value of assets and “equal” division. Instead consider the intrinsic value

that different types of assets might have for different family members e.g. having

cash to pay off debt might have a higher value to one family member than part

ownership in an investment property that will be difficult to sell quickly. Think

creatively and start by brainstorming at least 5 different ways that you could

divide the estate between you and your family.

4. Analyse the Options

From the larger list of brainstormed options, do a pros and cons analysis of each

one to narrow it down to about two or three options that are likely to meet your

needs and those of your family members. These will be the options that you

might want to discuss with your family to try and reach a resolution.

5. Avoid Positional Bargaining

Instead of getting stuck on the numbers that seemingly deliver a “fair” division of

the value of the estate, look instead for “acceptable” outcomes that seek to meet

not just your needs, but also the needs of your family members. If you take the

approach that “its my way or the highway” you will end up on a highway straight

to court!

The problems with the 'I want it all and I want it now!' approach: Positional bargaining will potentially derail a negotiation, making all parties jaded andunwilling to approach any subsequent court-required mediation genuinely. If allparties are represented by lawyers committed to early resolution, then you will have fargreater chance of reaching settlement early.

Why positional bargaining is not helpful?

The settlement becomes far more about a sum of money or things, rather thanabout what the sum of money or the things might mean for each person's future, The negotiation process itself can take months a significant legal cost, as lengthypositional emails and letters are exchanged, and The process is usually counterproductive, because playing this kind of'negotiation game' can frustrate family members and their lawyers, particularlywhen the offers first exchanged are usually ridiculous and unattainable.

6. Act Calmy

7. Pick your battles

If you’re in a constructive negotiation process, look to proposals that are sensible,

that meet the needs of you and your family, that are within the range of legal

outcomes that you have been advised you will achieve. Stay focussed on your big

picture goals, so that giving in on a few things that aren’t as important to you is

easier and shows you are willing to compromise. You don’t have to win every

battle!

8. Think family first, litigation last!

When you are in grief you are already dealing with a myriad of emotions – denial,

anger, depression, fear, sadness and shock to name a few. Be aware when your

emotions are getting the better of you and seek assistance from professionals,

friends and family. When managing conflict with your family over an estate it is

important to find techniques that help you stay calm. Because, if you can act

calmly you will have more capacity to think straight and make good decisions for

yourself.

Even when it seems you can’t agree on anything with your family, you might find

that you all agree that keeping the family intact is important. If the family

relationship isn’t salvageable then at the least you might agree that it is better to

try to reach resolution rather than go to court and squander your inheritance in

legal fees. If you hit an impasse, always bear in mind the costs (both emotional

and financial) of failing to reach agreement and going to Court.

(07) 3371 0795zinta@resolveestatelaw.com.au resolveestatelaw.com.au

9. Always put yourself in the other person's shoes

Seeing things from other family members’ perspectives is key to reaching

resolution. Do your best to listen and hear what lies beneath the issues for each of

your family members. Put yourself in their shoes and think about what is most

important to them. Frame your proposal to make it attractive to them – in other

words, the more you can make a proposal meet your other family member’s

needs the greater chance you have of it being accepted.

Take as much advice as you need to make informed decisions, but remember

that you are in the driver’s seat of your life and only you can make the decision on

which road you want to take. If you stay focussed on making values-based

decisions, they will be the “right” decisions because they will be the ones you are

most content to live with.

10. Remember – this is your life

For further information on how to keep your disputed estate out of court click

here to book your complimentary 15 minute consultation with us to discuss the

best resolution pathway for you. Or go to www.resolveestatelaw.com.au to

purchase your copy of 'Rest in Peace: How to manage an estate dispute without

ineriting heartache' written by specialist succession lawyer and prinicpal of

Resolve Estate Law, Zinta Harris.

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