queen c journal
TRANSCRIPT
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
1/43
Queen C says:whad up?
Douglas says:nahmuch. whas movin.
Queen C says:
21 grams?Queen C says:
who's in that?Douglas says:
not anymore.Douglas says:
s'too much to talk and watch and watch and....Douglas says:
but everybody good.Douglas says:
benicio del toro
Douglas says:sean penn
Douglas says:umm...naomi watts
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
2/43
"preoccupied"?Queen C says:
"just reading"Queen C says:
hahahaha!
Douglas says:funny. cute. funny.Douglas says:
ha ha.Queen C says:
i thought that was goodDouglas says:
i see.Douglas says:
really.Douglas says:
your show super good or you tied up?Queen C says:s' ok. not siper tied up...whas on your mind?
Douglas says:i thought this would be cool, but...i'm not keeping you.
Douglas says:we can rap later.
Queen C says:STOP THAT
Douglas says:stop WHAT?!?!?!
Douglas says:you're not SAYING ANYTHING!!!
Douglas says:normally you can't shut up
Queen C says:wow.
Douglas says:here or on the phone or...ANYWHERE.
Queen C says:jerk
Douglas says:
so either...you're like...not on it right nowDouglas says:
or you're busy orDouglas says:
...SOMETHING.Douglas says:
so...YOU stop that!!!Queen C says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
3/43
..or you're paranoidDouglas says:
or not.Douglas says:
don't front me out.
Queen C says:pleaseQueen C says:
i speak the truthQueen C says:
imma truth tellerDouglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
4/43
Douglas says:moving and shaking. getting dinner together. leaving my parents, headed tothe grocery store.
Queen C says:kinda. you know the whole vulnerability thing
Douglas says:like that.Douglas says:
yeah. i know about it. i just don't understand why you can't SHOW it.Douglas says:
for instance, the whole not talkign on here.Douglas says:
i guess like...you're making sure i really want to be on here talking to you?Douglas says:
'cause that makes TOTAL sense, by the wayDouglas says:
Queen C says:whatev
Queen C says:i guess i have a hard time showing you...dunno why that is
Douglas says:(got booted)
Douglas says:so...still not ready for vulnerability?
Douglas says:okay.
Queen C says:i'm tryingDouglas says:
maybe s'just me.Queen C says:
but you're not so vulnerable yourselfDouglas says:
but...dont' believe you.Douglas says:
yes. texting you. saying can we talk.Douglas says:
getting on here.Douglas says:
initiating contact.Douglas says:
saying that somethign seems off.Queen C says:
ok ok okDouglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
5/43
that's me. being guarded.Queen C says:
well, you're in good companyQueen C says:
what is that?
Queen C says:y are we guarded with eachother?Douglas says:
I'M NOT GUARDED?!?!?!?!!!Douglas says:
i'm reaching out.Douglas says:
YOU.Douglas says:
are shielding.Queen C says:
ohDouglas says:meanwhile...i can't understand why.
Douglas says:and i'm ASKING you why.
Douglas says:and you're LYING about the whole thing.
Douglas says:make no mistake. it IS lying.
Queen C says:whaddu mean?
Queen C says:i'm lying about what?
Douglas says:about beign guarded. about NOT wanting to appear vulnerable. aboutwhatever is eating/frustrating/EFFECTING you.
Douglas says:lying about THAT stuff.
Douglas says:scroll up on the conversation.
Queen C says:hmmm....
Douglas says:first half of the convo was you with one word questions/answers.
Douglas says:and your response to this...is...hmmmmm...?
Douglas says:okay.
Douglas says:tell ya what.
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
6/43
Queen C says:(um...i was still reading)
Queen C says:tell me
Douglas says:
i'mma lechu have your time to read and say hmmm and guard or shield orwatch tv or whatever.Douglas says:
i'mma watch my show.Queen C says:
okay whas with you?Douglas says:
drink a cold soda.Douglas says:
and get peaceful.Queen C says:
thas greatDouglas says:and, 2morrow...we'll talk again.
Queen C says:go watch your show
Douglas says:and you won't guard
Douglas says:and you'll tell me whats bugging you.
Douglas says:'cause i'm DEFINITELY asking.
Queen C says:i know
Douglas says:i'm not angry.
Queen C says:just give up
Douglas says:
Queen C says:THANK
Queen C says:
YOU!!
Douglas says:but i'mnot like...ANGRY.
Douglas says:
Queen C says:i'm trying, Douglas
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
7/43
Queen C says:i just...
Douglas says:i just came to this a little balled up...
Queen C says:
"?Douglas says:and didin't expect to run into the wall quite...
Douglas says:like this.
Douglas says:courtnie.
Douglas says:you, of all people, should know...
Douglas says:there is no trying. there is only do...or NOT do.
Queen C says:my words?Queen C says:
back at me?/Queen C says:
lovelyDouglas says:
actually thats mostly Yoda, from star wars...but..yeah. yoru ideas too.Queen C says:
you tell me some info.Douglas says:
not like..TOO self fulfilled, huh?Douglas says:
shoot itQueen C says:
i mean. you didQueen C says:
thru a textDouglas says:
i DID...wha?Douglas says:
okay.
Douglas says:right.
Douglas says:sorry. a lil slow.
Douglas says:i told you the info thru a text.
Queen C says:and it FCKED my whole thinking up
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
8/43
Queen C says:i was doing good
Queen C says:now, nasomuch
Douglas says:
Queen C says:i don't ike that
Douglas says:don't like what?
Douglas says:caring about me?
Queen C says:no...typo
Douglas says:
Douglas says:thinking about "US"?
Queen C says:no i like caring about you
Queen C says:yes
Queen C says:THAT
Douglas says:imagining us???
Queen C says:
thinking about usQueen C says:
yes alla thatDouglas says:
....umm....Douglas says:
tough shit.Queen C says:
knowing that it "could" beDouglas says:
it is what it is.
Douglas says:and it ain't nothin' ele.
Douglas says:else.
Queen C says:wow
Queen C says:tough shit, huh?
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
9/43
Douglas says:pretty.
Douglas says:much.
Douglas says:
i mean, wha...you want me to...like...lie?Queen C says:how is your brain not all crazy?
Queen C says:(no, don't lie)
Douglas says:..you really are the SIMPLEST, most ignorant, deaf/dumb/blind human inexistance.
Douglas says:i swear.
Queen C says:
huh?Queen C says:whad i miss?
Douglas says:why do you think my brain is "not all crazy"?
Queen C says:oh
Douglas says:what gives you that impression?
Douglas says:'cause i'm happy talking to you?
Queen C says:(i gtta stop smoking crack)
Douglas says:'cause we talk everyday this week for like..an hour or more a day?
Queen C says:i know
Douglas says:'cause we joke about dating? me dating you and/or dating other people?
Queen C says:i look forward to hearing your voice every morning
Douglas says:
'cause we "flirt on the phone"?Queen C says:
s' just surrealDouglas says:
....what makes you think...what in the stream of reality that you're swimming in,says..."he's probably not bugging"
Queen C says:(your computer sucks...you needa get with ben)
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
10/43
Douglas says:
Douglas says:
Queen C says:cause you sound all clearDouglas says:
i AM clear.Queen C says:
and i don'tDouglas says:
maybe for like...the first time...EVERQueen C says:
i'm gladDouglas says:
why aren't you?Queen C says:that makes me happy to know that you are peaceful
Douglas says:you said you would be.
Douglas says:clear, that is.
Queen C says:cause...
Queen C says:honestly?
Douglas says:thas what i get for believing you.
Douglas says:i told you, thats why i never do.
Douglas says:HONESTLY
Queen C says:shut your mouth
Douglas says:
Queen C says:
i want you in mylifeDouglas says:
why i gotta beg? why? either, you trust you, and it's real..OR..it's not.Queen C says:
it IS realDouglas says:
either we're "destined/designed" or we're not.Douglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
11/43
THEN DON"T FRONT ME OUT!!!Queen C says:
i'm NOTDouglas says:
don't...shield against me. thas dumb
Douglas says:not NOW. but you were!!!Queen C says:
i don't wanna get hurtQueen C says:
s' that simpleDouglas says:
and it smacks of my marriage, and our PREVIOUS relationship and..Douglas says:
okayDouglas says:
we...you've got two choices on that front.Douglas says:either...ONE...you resign from life.
Queen C says:or?
Douglas says:being...authentic, being YOURSELF, honesty...hurts its' a given. being close?costs. a bill usually paid in pain.
Queen C says:yes
Douglas says:
or TWO...dont' be close.Douglas says:
pull away.Queen C says:
but you can hurt me like my family canDouglas says:
from me. from lindsay. from your mom. from your dad.Douglas says:
from EVERYONE.Queen C says:
i mean REAL DEEP INSIDE
Douglas says:yeah. thas what it is.
Douglas says:
Douglas says:yeah.
Douglas says:thats the way it works.
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
12/43
Queen C says:so it's a little....
Queen C says:...intimidating
Douglas says:
i can dig that.Queen C says:i just have to be more honest with you and myself
Douglas says:or...not.
Douglas says:stop now.
Douglas says:stop stop COMPLETELY
Douglas says:get out. get out. get out now.
Queen C says:thas not funnyDouglas says:
only being half funny.Queen C says:
y think i should get out?Douglas says:
you mean, YOU...?Queen C says:
we are SO connected that once i fall...s' like falling into the rabbithole
Douglas says:like the matrix
Queen C says:(yes, thas what i meant)
Douglas says:or alice and wonderland.
Queen C says:like the matrix
Queen C says:and alice
Douglas says:
or...the jabberwocky.Queen C says:
who?Douglas says:
which, is connected to alice and wonderland.Douglas says:
you don't know the jabberwocky?Douglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
13/43
t'was brillig and something something?Queen C says:
um...no...oh ueah!Queen C says:
yeah, i ba-member
Douglas says:kids book, crazy kinda scary type deal.Queen C says:
so i should get outDouglas says:
adia used to like it, thas how come i remember as much as i do.Douglas says:
yeah. get out.Douglas says:
you don't want to be hurt.Douglas says:
you're on a fast.Douglas says:you're doing some thigns for you.
Queen C says:I"M NOT FASTING ANYMORE!!!
Douglas says:thas all good stuff.
Douglas says:i'm NOT available.
Douglas says:and won't be for a WHILE.
Douglas says:I said that.
Douglas says:I have a son.
Douglas says:a divorce that hasn't happened yet.
Douglas says:NO job.
Douglas says:NO place to stay
Queen C says:
you doneDouglas says:
my life reads like..."tragedy weekly"Queen C says:
whateverDouglas says:
...sad, but trueDouglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
14/43
and while i'm hopefulQueen C says:
at least you're 30 and not 60Douglas says:
and i feel good...and peaceful adn resolved.
Douglas says:i have a while to go before...anything.Douglas says:
Queen C says:
i do tooQueen C says:
(welcome back)Douglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
15/43
Douglas says:yeah. i just played it off and tried not to die.
Douglas says:
Queen C says:
hahahaha!Douglas says:what did she say...not sure that matters.
Queen C says:crazy
Queen C says:fine, don't tell me
Douglas says:don't get fussy.
Queen C says:stil crazy tho
Douglas says:it was about me and you, and the shape of you...
Douglas says:alot along the lines of my "type"...
Queen C says:wow, was she listening to our conv?
Douglas says:i can't call it.
Douglas says:s'funny though.
Queen C says:
yeah.Douglas says:
so.Douglas says:
you don't want to get hurt.Douglas says:
i geddit.Queen C says:
DO YOU?Douglas says:
that's...un-nerving.
Douglas says:thas a complicated question.
Douglas says:no. i don't WANT to get hurt.
Douglas says:but...now...maybe more than ever. i understand that hurt is a part of the deal.
Queen C says:i get that
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
16/43
Douglas says:AND...i'm coming from some...real bad pain. feeling alone, alienated, scared,failure...some bad stuff.
Queen C says:me too
Douglas says:so...i'm kinda...not SCARED of being hurt.Queen C says:
niceDouglas says:
i'm not...scared of it. not today.Queen C says:
i wish i could say the sameDouglas says:
and i'm not...pinning everything on you...or me...or us.Douglas says:
i mean...i like talking to you.Douglas says:it's helping me.
Queen C says:me too
Douglas says:i've got some questions as to if it's the BEST thing, or...what it means or whereit takes me or...
Queen C says:i got to say things to you that i needed to
Douglas says:
but...still....i like it. i'm trying not to LEAN on it too much. just..enjoy it for what tiis.
Queen C says:how do you do that?
Douglas says:and in that...know that...what i'm going through...is what i'm going through. andwhat i've BEEN going through for...months..maybe years now.
Douglas says:i told you, i've got help.
Douglas says:he wakes up at around 6am, and says "more, more"...which he thinks means
food, but...whatever.Douglas says:
i dunno why YOU are feeling so...anxious.Douglas says:
you've got the best of everything...so to speak.Douglas says:
we're talking...and sharing and building...in a GOOD way, i think.Douglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
17/43
better than...maybe EVER before.Queen C says:
i agreeDouglas says:
but i'm not trying to limit you or hold you back or anything.
Queen C says:TOTALLYQueen C says:
and i'm glad for itDouglas says:
...so...i mean, you could be doing ANYTHING. or anyone, not ina gross way,but still.
Queen C says:why do you keep saying that?
Queen C says:"hold me back?
Douglas says:i mean...you're there with your sister and family and...
Queen C says:thas crazy
Queen C says:so?
Douglas says:you've got everything open to you.
Douglas says:
Queen C says:
(thanks ben!)Douglas says:
good one.Queen C says:
you don't realize your hold on meQueen C says:
thas crazyDouglas says:
not that.Douglas says:
or...maybei don't...maybe.
Douglas says:but maybe...
Douglas says:maybe you don't realize...YOUR hold on you.
Douglas says:AND...as we previously acknowledged with the weepiness...
Douglas says:it IS moonrise.
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
18/43
Douglas says:so that' can't be HELPING
Queen C says:i know i told yout that it took YEARS to get over our relationship...(and i know myself...)
Douglas says:yeah. you did.Queen C says:
...and in that, i never got over ouQueen C says:
NEVER!!!!!Douglas says:
you were with stephen. from all indications, you guys were happy.Douglas says:
serious, even.Queen C says:
i left his house when i heard about youDouglas says:yeah. but you went back.
Douglas says:i mean.
Queen C says:I LEFT HIS HOUSE!
Queen C says:NO I DIDN'T
Douglas says:that's not an arguement i care to have or try to win.
Douglas says:all im saying is.
Queen C says:i couldn't...my eyes were like fauscets
Douglas says:...queen simpiCity...it's either half full...or half empty
Douglas says:either we are...entering a new phase in our lives, and relationship,TOGETHER...
Douglas says:or we're ENDING...
Queen C says:(no argument) i'm just saying it's not like i brought that up to relivethat whole thing. i bring that up because i need you to understandthat you are a part of me. i thought about you when i was withstephen. i dreamt about you when i was with stephen. i wnated youwhen i was with stephen. i couldn't shake that ...couldn't shakeYOU. (potty break)
Douglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
19/43
i'm back.Douglas says:
and i'll wait. till you say you are, too.Queen C says:
me too.
Douglas says:okayDouglas says:
so i read that, and i got it.Douglas says:
and that has weight and meaning and impace.Douglas says:
ctDouglas says:
and i know what you're saying.Douglas says:
i never stopped thinking about you either.Douglas says:its weird to admit that.
Douglas says:but...that aside.
Douglas says:today.
Douglas says:today? 11-30-07.
Douglas says:?
Queen C says:so you're not holding me up. i guess i've always...waited?Queen C says:
yesQueen C says:
11-30-07Douglas says:
we've got another chance.Queen C says:
i'm noticingDouglas says:
for EVERYTHING. for ANYTHING. for NOTHING.Douglas says:
...so either...it's half full.Douglas says:
or...half emptyQueen C says:
it's half fullDouglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
20/43
it's either a chance to get hurt.Douglas says:
or a chance to rediscover and rebuild a friendship...a relationship.Douglas says:
and you...me...WE...determine that is.
Douglas says:will i hurt you? sure.Queen C says:
i'm all for the second one, fully aware that the first one WILLhappen...u? i want a friendship. i want you in my life.
Douglas says:but will you hurt me? SURE.
Douglas says:not intentionally, not on purpose...but...its' gonna happen.
Queen C says:(just don't hurt me on purpose and i'll respond in kind)
Queen C says:whoa...ESPNQueen C says:
i knowDouglas says:
ME TOO!!! watching the celtics play the heat...Douglas says:
oh wait...Douglas says:
you don't have cable.Queen C says:
BOO!Douglas says:
anyway.Queen C says:
you shouldn't eitherDouglas says:
i know, right.Queen C says:
it rots your brainDouglas says:
when i get my own place, i won't.
Douglas says:i'll miss it though.
Douglas says:or maybe i will, but like...the basic basic package.
Douglas says:anyway.
Queen C says:at first...then s' like a bonus when you get to see it
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
21/43
Douglas says:so yeah.
Douglas says:but listen...i chose my words carefully...it won't be a "relationship" for a while.
Queen C says:
and you are constantly ASTOUNDED by the crap they put on cable tvand the people that watch itQueen C says:
i said friendshipDouglas says:
and...i dunno what that means, fully or how that...what that entails.Douglas says:
i know you did, i'm just saying.Douglas says:
to be authentic and all...Queen C says:
contrary to what you might think, i have some work/healing to dotooDouglas says:
s'not that i dont think you do.Douglas says:
or don't kNOW you do Douglas says:
i'm just saying.Queen C says:
so we agree on a frendship? no more shutting me down about that?Douglas says:
i wasn't shutting you downDouglas says:
i was just making fun of you.Queen C says:
yes you wereDouglas says:
Queen C says:
oh, well it wasn't funnyDouglas says:
thas 'cause you're dumb
Douglas says:along with mygirl/margo
Queen C says:(surprise, surprise)
Douglas says:ha chuckle ha.
Douglas says:so.
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
22/43
Queen C says:buttons on your underwear
Douglas says:aaah...timeless. that one never gets old.
Douglas says:
Queen C says:i'll say it till i croak!
Douglas says:hoping you get froggy...soon.
Queen C says:thanks, jerk
Douglas says:geddit...froggy...croak?
Douglas says:anyway.
Queen C says:not funny'Douglas says:
more authenticity
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
23/43
Douglas says:i mean, you're like...one line for my five lines.
Queen C says:back?
Douglas says:
Queen C says:i guess it's all just soaking in
Queen C says:i'm processing
Douglas says:okay.
Douglas says:i'm not gonna push you.
Queen C says:thanks
Queen C says:i still am having a hard time believeing that you would want to bewith me
Douglas says:why?
Queen C says:dunno what that is...
Douglas says:me EITHER.
Queen C says:gotta dig deep
Douglas says:you deserve...TWO me's.
Douglas says:
Douglas says:not sure if that'd be good or bad
Douglas says:
Douglas says:you deserve to be happy.
Queen C says:
...me either, honestly!Queen C says:
you do tooDouglas says:
and while you feel like i make you happy, thats' great. but even if i don't.Douglas says:
you deserve to be.Douglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
24/43
i want you to be.Queen C says:
i amQueen C says:
and i will be
Douglas says:maybe you are...but you dno't believe you SHOULD be...or that you deserveit...or SOMETHING.
Queen C says:thas important to me. i want you to be too. and if i can't help, thatwould hurt
Douglas says:and not 'casue i'm all super great. but just...'cause...i mean...you should getwhat you want.
Queen C says:i do believe that i deserve it
Douglas says:i'm on my way to being happy.Douglas says:
and understand what that fully means.Queen C says:
i know and i'm excited for youDouglas says:
and...believing that I deserve it.Queen C says:
you doDouglas says:
'cause really? i'm thinking that my happiness points more toward like...Douglas says:
alicia keys.Douglas says:
but...i'm just saying. as i'm discovering it and understand it...Douglas says:
i'm moving along.Queen C says:
it's a journeyDouglas says:
thas the truth.
Douglas says:so you may find that i'm not a direct part of your happiness. thas okay.
Queen C says:i could say the same to you
Douglas says:but in the same way, as we're in this...process/journey/whole thing...
Douglas says:yeah. you could say the same.
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
25/43
Douglas says:and i guess...i'm just saying...that it feels half full.
Douglas says:like it can only get better from here, between us.
Queen C says:
i believe that tooQueen C says:that's exciting
Douglas says:so...no anxiety.
Queen C says:a little, but it'll go away
Douglas says:no...limitations.
Douglas says:none of that.
Queen C says:no limitations, no lies, no noe of thatDouglas says:
just one step and one step and one step.Queen C says:
yesQueen C says:
i'm slowDouglas says:
thas okayDouglas says:
me too.Douglas says:
i mean, i got stuff going on.Douglas says:
stuff to figure out. work through.Queen C says:
man, do you!Douglas says:
so it's okay.Queen C says:
(and me too)
Queen C says:and you have a son
Douglas says:i'm wasn't upset earlier. but i could see that you were blocked...it IS frustratingto see it and ask and be told..."nothing"
Queen C says:why do you keep saying that?
Douglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
26/43
so i was just going to let you work on that and let me work on mine.Queen C says:
i know. i'm sorry about that.Douglas says:
i KEEP saying it?
Queen C says:yes, keepDouglas says:
i'm trying to get at ben, for real.Douglas says:
Douglas says:
...i dunno that i keep saying it.Queen C says:
hahahaha!Douglas says:
and if i do, 'cause i keep thinking about it.Queen C says:i do too
Douglas says:s'a big deal.
Queen C says:it is...sort of
Douglas says:as we're taking these steps, figuring out what we're doing, how to do it, WHYto do it...all that.
Douglas says:
i mean...today we talked about who will be where for christmas...Queen C says:
wowQueen C says:
that is a big dealDouglas says:
...thats...thats something. it's new.Douglas says:
i mean...yeah. but...it's...its' real.Douglas says:
and from the look of things, it's gonna be a real part of our lives.
Queen C says:kids will notlove you any less for it
Douglas says:yeah.
Douglas says:not thinking that in any way.
Douglas says:buchu know...i gotta feel it. gotta walk through it.
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
27/43
Douglas says:thas why, i knew...i got on here a little balled up...so i wasn't about to try andpound on you
Douglas says:in the midst of YOUR balling up.
Douglas says:just...take it for the moment...and come back at it.Queen C says:
i mean i asked you what was on your mindDouglas says:
yeah...and that was definitely on there.Queen C says:
i knew it was somethingDouglas says:
but i wasn't about to throw that in the mix with your thing.Douglas says:
not 'cause mines not important or whatever.Queen C says:but i asked
Queen C says:i could've handled it
Douglas says:but...i wasn't about to let you use MY thing as a shield to
Queen C says:it IS important
Douglas says:not saying you couldn't.
Douglas says:I KNOW IT IS
Douglas says:but like this.
Douglas says:you can't give a one armed hug
Queen C says:you can't do that anymore
Douglas says:well..you can...but its wack.
Queen C says:
(yes)Douglas says:
you can't reach out and say, what's wrong wtih you? in the midst of holdingback and pullign away to hide whats wrong with yourself!!
Queen C says:uh-huh
Douglas says:so no...i wasnn't keeping mine. or...playing it down..or anything.
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
28/43
Queen C says:you sure?
Douglas says:i swear...it's like you're not even ON here with me.
Douglas says:
have you been drinking?!?!?!Douglas says:
Queen C says:your not funny.
Queen C says:no, not yet!
Douglas says:had to ask.
Douglas says:look at it again.
Douglas says:i VOLUNTEERED mine.Douglas says:
i said...this is what was going on with me.Queen C says:
true, you didDouglas says:
not 'cause you had to go first, but...Douglas says:
if you WEREN'T going to goDouglas says:
i wasn't going to play into that.Douglas says:
either, we share. or we don't.Douglas says:
not like..you share adn i don't...or i share and you don't.Queen C says:
we share. and no games like beforeDouglas says:
either WE do...or WE don't.Queen C says:
WE do...i get it
Douglas says:cheeseNrice!!!!
Queen C says:i shared
Queen C says:i mean it was like you had to pry it out of me, but that wasn't fun
Queen C says:i feel better when i tell you and i volunteer stuff.
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
29/43
Douglas says:it WAS like ihad to pry it out. and that WASN't fun.
Queen C says:i know.
Douglas says:
and it's a good way to build resentment.Queen C says:I KNOW
Douglas says:not beating you, or the dead horse, but i am saying it.
Douglas says:and being authentic
Queen C says:and i appreciate it. and i'm doing the same. authenticity just....feelsgood
Douglas says:
Queen C says:you are
Douglas says:authenticity is pretty okay.
Douglas says:and i'm glad to have...dealt with it.
Queen C says:and it feels good to be able to do it with you
Douglas says:oooh..i know it does!!!
Queen C says:wow
Douglas says:sorry...i'd resisted the dirty jokes ALL THIS TIME!!!!
Douglas says:
Queen C says:you mean u should be saying that to me!
Queen C says:nerve endings and all...
Douglas says:
see how you bring up old stuff, that was said in separate private settingsDouglas says:
thas not even funny.Queen C says:
did i offend you?Douglas says:
about the nerve endigns thing?Douglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
30/43
no.Douglas says:
not at all.Douglas says:
s'true.
Queen C says:ohQueen C says:
goodDouglas says:
maybe a little embarassing.Douglas says:
but true.Queen C says:
s' jst between you and meDouglas says:
and more? i probably SHOULDN'T have told you.Queen C says:and the bedpost!
Queen C says:hahahaha!
Douglas says:bedpost...not FENCE post..'casue..yeah..bedpost...FUNNY.
Douglas says:right.
Douglas says:yeah...shouldn't have told you.
Douglas says:shoulda just kept that one.
Douglas says:ah well.
Queen C says:couldn't resist
Douglas says:yeah, i see.
Douglas says:s'fine.
Queen C says:
like my not bathing thing? prolly shouldn't have told youQueen C says:
i know about itDouglas says:
you DIDN"T HAVE TO TELL ME!!!Queen C says:
s' fineDouglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
31/43
i KNEW!!!Queen C says:
whatever. i do not stink!Douglas says:
i mean...i've been there with you, and you didn't bathe...for days
Douglas says:and lindsay joked youDouglas says:
and I joked you.Queen C says:
now my dad does...man, can i getta break?Douglas says:
you did NOT know about the whole...nerve endings/never recovered thing.that was mine.
Douglas says:and i shoulda just...suffered/whatever in private.
Queen C says:true. but you think mine weren't effected?Douglas says:
damn oversharing.Queen C says:
word vomit.Queen C says:
love itDouglas says:
Douglas says:
yours were effected? i dunno.Queen C says:
you KNOWDouglas says:
i KNOW about mine.Queen C says:
i remember the first time we "fooled around"Douglas says:
or rather...i usedta know...after burning 'em up...certain functions, higherthought process are just...done for.
Douglas says:
aslkjasdfDouglas says:
can't do that.Douglas says:
CAN"T DO THATQueen C says:
okDouglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
32/43
Douglas says:
"fooled around"Queen C says:
doubt it
Douglas says:and...i'm not sure if you mean "fooled...around"Douglas says:
or...FOOLED AROUNDDouglas says:
but...Douglas says:
anyway.Queen C says:
you no what i meantQueen C says:
anywayDouglas says:yes.
Douglas says:for the record.
Douglas says:
Douglas says:ain't gon be no fooling around.
Queen C says:AMEN
Douglas says:i'm serious.
Queen C says:me too
Douglas says:and i don't know what you're saying amen to..but...wahtever.
Queen C says:the no fooling around thing
Douglas says:yeah.
Douglas says:
i mean it.Douglas says:
but thas for a later conversation.Queen C says:
okay. me too. seriouslyQueen C says:
next topicDouglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
33/43
me? just...loving the boot.Douglas says:
on the next topic, but related...Douglas says:
like...
Queen C says:uh-ohDouglas says:
Douglas says:
sabrina's friend, jonte
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
34/43
SUFFER?!?!?!? Douglas says:
suffer how?!?!?Queen C says:
wait...redefine fooling around for me
Queen C says:then i'll tell you how i sufferDouglas says:
aslkjaslkjasfDouglas says:
see?Douglas says:
okayDouglas says:
why are we saign fooling around ANYWAY?!?!!Douglas says:
you said it first.Douglas says:fooling
Queen C says:cause thas what imeant
Douglas says:like...i was saying it in terms of some kind of physical relationship.
Queen C says:me too
Douglas says:so...in one sense...fooling....ar-OUND...is...NOT intercourse.
Douglas says:but...anything/everything up to.
Queen C says:right
Douglas says:but..FOOLINGAROUND is actual intercourse.
Douglas says:which is why i was said, about us, do you mean...fooling...around...or..
Queen C says:wait. it is?
Douglas says:
FOOLAROUND?!?!?!Douglas says:
wha/!?!?!?!?Queen C says:
no i meant fooling aroundQueen C says:
not FOOLING AROUNDDouglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
35/43
s'funny word.Douglas says:
say it..fooling fooling fooling.Queen C says:
a litle bit
Douglas says:okay. well i meant, both..two ways.Douglas says:
so yeah..well..apparently she doesn't fool around OR FOOLAROUNDDouglas says:
either way.Douglas says:
you suffer?Queen C says:
yes.Douglas says:
like how?Queen C says:i'm not FOOLING AROUND
Douglas says:y'know...guys...at a point, myself included...mostly thinks girls don't care.
Queen C says:WE CARE
Douglas says:not like...DON'T CARE...but like...y'know...arent super hung up on it.
Douglas says:
Douglas says:
Queen C says:we do
Douglas says:yeah...i...i didn't really/don't really know.
Queen C says:I do
Douglas says:suffer how.
Douglas says:
?Queen C says:
in a relationship...Douglas says:
like...to say...emotionally? or...something?Queen C says:
if you don't FOOLAROUND, if you don't have that closeness,everything suffers
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
36/43
Queen C says:emotionally, physically...all facets
Douglas says:......jasja...mmmm....maybe.
Queen C says:
maybe?Douglas says:i see wahchu mean.
Douglas says:for me...s'all connected too.
Douglas says:i can't FOOLAROUND, if i don't feel close...
Douglas says:so...i geddit.
Queen C says:yeah, like that
Douglas says:so yeah, i'm just...i dunno...we have a committed, steady thing...Douglas says:
live close to each other..Douglas says:
and...we don't...do...ANYTHING?Douglas says:
here i feel like i sound like a regular guy...a MAN's MAN if you will...Queen C says:
right? how does that work?Douglas says:
but...i AM a man...at some point.Queen C says:
(you do )Queen C says:
you are a manDouglas says:
and we...stay together, and sleep together...and...like...just...hand shake andgo home?
Douglas says:TOUGH.
Queen C says:
RIGHTDouglas says:
s'a LOT of meditation, right there.Douglas says:
Queen C says:
among other thingsDouglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
37/43
see...Douglas says:
youre un-necessarily...Douglas says:
just...extra.
Douglas says:for no reason.Queen C says:
i'm isQueen C says:
i know thisDouglas says:
yeah. you is.Douglas says:
good.Douglas says:
so yeah, not ALL girls care.Douglas says:obviously, jonte doesn't.
Queen C says:yeah, i don't get that
Douglas says:at a point, i do...its' kinda a can of worms, thing...if it's never beenopened...then...s'not all over teh place.
Douglas says:how old were you, your first time?
Douglas says:
Queen C says:i was 16
Queen C says:(yes)
Douglas says:
Queen C says:u?
Douglas says:wohao.
Douglas says:how come we don't know this stuff aout each other?!?!?!?!!
Douglas says:i mean...we had sex.
Douglas says:MORE THAN ONCE.
Queen C says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
38/43
you never wanted to talk about itDouglas says:
this is like..basic interview stuff...Douglas says:
REALLY!?!?!?!
Queen C says:reallyDouglas says:
you really had my brain in place i can't even understand today.Queen C says:
sadlyDouglas says:
dammit.Douglas says:
SADLY!?!?!?...i dunno.Queen C says:
that goes both waysDouglas says:so you don't know how old i was?
Queen C says:yeah, i take sadly back
Queen C says:no
Douglas says:i wasn't 16
Douglas says:not like...a jab.
Douglas says:but like...i wasn't.
Queen C says:sure
Douglas says:i feel all kinds aways.
Douglas says:like...y'know...
Douglas says:i dunno what i was doing..
Douglas says:
i can't believe...NEVER?!?!?! we NEVER Talked about this?!?!?!Douglas says:
Douglas says:
thas crazy to me.Queen C says:
never, and c'mon with the c'monDouglas says:
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
39/43
i 'on't even know. i was 21.Queen C says:
WOW!Douglas says:
see.
Douglas says:?Douglas says:
i said, "c'mon"!!!Douglas says:
Queen C says:
you were a grown ass manQueen C says:
i was a kidDouglas says:
i ALSO said, i wasn't 16.Douglas says:yeah.
Douglas says:i was.
Douglas says:had my own place and everything.
Queen C says:i didn't want to go off to college a virgin
Douglas says:wha?!?!?
Douglas says:like...unless you were going off to college in like...10th grade
Douglas says:
Queen C says:nice. we "did it" in his twin-bed when his parents were out for theevening
Douglas says:asdjklfklajdsljk
Queen C says:i was a senior in high school
Douglas says:yeah....but..y'know...i was me.
Queen C says:so maybe 17
Douglas says:AT 16???!?!
Douglas says:hmph.
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
40/43
Queen C says:i know my logic was all fucked up
Queen C says:but i loved him
Douglas says:
i mean, you were...young.Queen C says:and i wanted to
Douglas says:see, that part...i don't get.
Douglas says:like..you wanted to.
Douglas says:guys dont really believe that.
Douglas says:
Queen C says:he didDouglas says:
we WANT you to want to...but...i dunno.Douglas says:
so yeah..no...i was...older.Queen C says:
it was what it wasQueen C says:
i wish i was olderDouglas says:
and is, what it is.Douglas says:
you can't do that.Douglas says:
s'part of the whole thingQueen C says:
i do tho. i wish (sometimes) that i would've known...Douglas says:
and i wish my computer would get it together.Queen C says:
really know what i was doing
Douglas says:yeah.
Douglas says:can you ever know?
Douglas says:i didn't know.
Queen C says:but i don't regret it
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
41/43
Douglas says:and i was old and...old
Queen C says:it was TERRIBLE
Douglas says:
Queen C says:tmi?
Douglas says:but C'MON!!!
Douglas says:you were a kid.
Queen C says:i know we were 17
Douglas says:if it wasn't terrible, i'd be like...freaked out for real.
Queen C says:true. i bled all over the placeQueen C says:
FOR DAYSDouglas says:
like what kinda...abnormalasklasjkdfDouglas says:
adsjklflasjkdfDouglas says:
asjkldfadsfjklkladsfjjkladsfQueen C says:
tmi?Douglas says:
aaannnd there it is.Douglas says:
Douglas says:
my threshold of painQueen C says:
my badDouglas says:
right there.
Douglas says:not bad.
Douglas says:just...wow.
Douglas says:tough.
Queen C says:yeah
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
42/43
Douglas says:dijoo like...TELL someone/TALK to someoen.
Douglas says:SOMETHING
Douglas says:
thas crazy.Queen C says:my girl alyssa (i think you met her)
Douglas says:someone who WASN'T lindsay.
Queen C says:we celebrated!
Douglas says:aaahhh. nice.
Douglas says:an adult.
Douglas says:great.Queen C says:
yeah, good ol' 17 cherry popping celebration!Douglas says:
see? reason number 87 to not have ANY girl children.Douglas says:
and THAT? is truly gross.Queen C says:
please. my mom knewDouglas says:
thanks for the wording/image whole...thanks.Queen C says:
your welcomeDouglas says:
'cause you told her or 'cause you were like...bleeding like a stuck pig?Queen C says:
yupQueen C says:
l;ike a dumb assDouglas says:
WHICH?
Queen C says:cause i was bleeding
Douglas says:nice.
Queen C says:and then i told her
Douglas says:for days?
-
8/9/2019 Queen C Journal
43/43
Douglas says:id on't...thas...
Queen C says:for DAYS
Douglas says:wow.Queen C says:
i know!Queen C says:
i thought something was wrongQueen C says:
one of my friends had to go to the er after her first time...i fearedthat was to be my doom too
Queen C says:so i told her
Queen C says:she was not enthused
Douglas says:i dunno how to..
Douglas says:yeah. imagine that.
Douglas says:not being all super excited for that whole thing.
Queen C says:yeah
Queen C says:
i want girlsQueen C says:
one dayQueen C says:
hello?The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
hello?