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Biblical Counseling Training Redeemer Church January 2012

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INTRODUCTION

Defining Biblical Counseling Counseling is the act of giving counsel to someone.

Webster’s Dictionary (1979): “professional guidance of the individual using psychological methods.” Biblical counseling is the opportunity to speak into someone’s life using God’s wisdom, and not your own. In Colossians 3, Paul writes, 16 “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom,” (cf. Joshua 1:8; Ps 119:105). Defining Your Calling as an Ambassador 2 Cor 5:14-‐6:2:

14 For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15 And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

16 So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. 21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

1 As God’s fellow workers we urge you not to receive God’s grace in vain. 2 For he says,

“In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.”

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I tell you, now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation.

What is this message of reconciliation? And who has this message of reconciliation been committed to? What is an “appeal”? And what’s the point of the cross?

What is an ambassador? The job of an ambassador is to represent someone or something. Paul says that God has called us all to function as his ambassadors. The primary issues is, “How can I best represent the King in this place, with this particular person?” A good way to summarize this ambassadorial life is to say, as an ambassador, I represent:

1. The message of the King.

2. The methods of the King.

3. The character of the King.

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Relevance for Everyday Life (and not just Crisis) Is biblical counseling relevant for everyday life? Example: Your teenager (10-‐years-‐of-‐age) comes home with a sad look on his face. He retreats to his room and doesn’t say a word to you. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that something is up. How do you deal with this situation? Ideally, a conversation might look like this…

Dad: Hey buddy, what's wrong?

Son: Nothing (you are not surprised by this response, are you?)

Dad: Really? Nothing is wrong? Then why did you walk in the door sulking, throw your back pack on the floor and stomp up to your bedroom like you wanted to make sure everyone in the house knew that you are home and you are angry.

Son: I'm just annoyed at some guys at school [possibly note the potential early signs of blame-‐shifting].

Dad: Why, what happened?

Son: There were some boys who all just got the new Air Jordons [coveting] and they were making fun of me because you [more blame shifting] got me the Air Gordons from Wal-‐Mart.

Dad: I'm so sorry son, that is never a fun experience. So how did that make you feel when they were making fun of you?

Son: I don't know. I guess I didn't really care.

Dad: Are you sure, because it seems like we wouldn't be talking about it now if you didn't care. Did it make you sad?

Son: Yeah, and I guess it made me angry too.

Dad: Why, what were you angry about?

Son: It was embarrassing because other kids were around. [fear of man]

Dad: Why does that matter what other people think?

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Son: It just does. It makes everything a lot easier when people like you. [idolatry of his friends’ opinion or self-‐idolatry] Defining the Framework What we are want to think through is a theology of care, i.e., how do we help people. Our Goals:

• What we are not going to do is make you into professional, degreed counselors. • What we want to do is help you to be Christians who are not scared to get involved in

the messy stuff. • What we do not want you to do is to assume that just because a situation is messy you

need to pass it off to a pastor or a counselor. (i.e., knee jerk reaction when you see a problem)

• What we want you to do is to assume that even if it is messy, there is something you can do to help, even if it is just praying.

Four Important Words: LOVE-‐KNOW-‐SPEAK-‐DO Love: Know: Speak: Do:

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Matters of the Heart Defining a Biblical Anthropology

Developing a Biblical Anthropology -‐ The heart is the target Defining the Heart

• The heart is the central or most core part of who we are.

• The heart is our inner person.

• The heart is an all-‐encompassing term.

The Heart is Foundational The physician Luke writes in his gospel:

“43No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. 44Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. 45The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evils things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks” (6:43-‐45).

• You can learn a lot about a person by looking at the fruit of his life.

• A person’s life is an overflow of his heart and our role (Matt. 26:25-‐26).

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The Heart is an Idol Factory

• Idols are internal (Ezek. 14:1-‐7)

• Idols are anything that stands in the place of God.

• Idols are blinding and debilitating (Ezek. 14:1-‐7, Psa. 135:18)

• Repent (Ezek. 14:6)

Getting to Know Your Heart

• What are signs or indicators of what resides within our hearts?

• Ask heart oriented questions. Proverbs 20:5, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”

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Circumstances vs. Heart Issues

• Do circumstances control your situation?

• Circumstances don’t ultimately change a situation. Your heart does. In Conclusion –

• Biblical counseling defines humanity with a biblical anthropology. • The heart is the control center for life. When we care for people, we must seek to

understand their hearts and help them to pursue a change of heart. • Idolatry compromises our ability to live faithfully as believers. • Do not put too much weight and importance in circumstances. Define your life

according to your heart.

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Case Studies Marital Conflict

This case study deals with marital conflict. The case study included below is hypothetical. What Is Our Goal? Our goal is to take the LOVE-‐KNOW-‐SPEAK-‐DO model and implement it in real life situations. Dealing with Marital Conflict Marital conflict is very common. Christians will have conflicts simply because we are sinners and live in a fallen world. How can a person deal with conflict and still maintain a peaceful, loving household? After You Do the Case Study Do some reading on marital conflict. I’ve included two articles from the Journal of Biblical Counseling to help you think further about marital conflict (don’t feel like you need to read all of the material…just read whatever you can!). One of the articles is a version of Peacemakers for Youth, but it still has some useful things to say about conflict. I’ve also included a basic lesson on discipling others through conflict. A more extended list of reading suggestions in included below… Brief Marital Statistics Dysfunctional marriages have more negative than positive.

• The positive/negative ratio in happy marriages is 5 to 1 (during conflict) • The positive/negative ratio in divorce prone marriages is .8 to 1 (during conflict)

Resources on Marital Conflict

1. Ken Sande’s Peacemakers (longer read) 2. Ken Sande’s Resolving Everyday Conflict (medium size read) 3. The CCEF’s booklet on Conflict (quick reading)

Resources on Marriage

1. The Riccucci’s Love that Lasts 2. Dave Harvey’s When Two Sinners Say “I Do.” 3. Bryan Chapell’s Each for the Other 4. Paul Tripp’s What Did You Expect?? 5. John Piper’s This Momentary Marriage 6. Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage 7. The 9 Marks’ marital comparison chart (www.9marks.org)

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Case Study on Marital Conflict

Counselee Name: Sunil (33 yoa) and Usha (32 yoa) Patel Marital and Family History: Married for ten years. Met in India as their parents introduced them; an arranged marriage. Both sets of parents are fairly well off. Employment: Sunil works as a business executive. Usha is an accountant. Church Involvement: Both are active members and have regularly attended for five years. Sunil is very involved in the church and they attend your small group. Presenting problems: (1) Regular fighting (2) tension over finances? (3) Usha withdrawing during conflict (4) Sunil’s anger History of Problems: You and your spouse have a three year friendship with Sunil and Usha. You first got to know them when they started attending the church several years ago. Two years later they joined and shortly afterwards started to attending your small group. Last Saturday, after small group, they asked if they could stay a little later so they could talk with you and your spouse. After everyone left, your spouse asked, “So, what’s going on?” Almost immediately, they both started opening up. Sunil and Usha have been fighting a lot over the last two years, and the fighting has been getting worse. Sunil says he is holding down a very stressful job (he is a very successful and well recognized business executive at his company). He feels overworked, and when he comes home, he doesn’t have much patience for Usha. He says, “She doesn’t care about what I want. She is always complaining about how I don’t care, about how long I work, about how I never listen. When I get home, I need time to unwind because I’ve had a very stressful day. Yet, she complains that I am not willing to help with anything. It’s not true. I’m willing to help. I just need some time.” Usha is worried, not so much about Sunil’s work hours, but about his temper. “He’s got a raging temper,” she says. “I’m scared, because when he gets angry, he started hitting things. He has never hit me, but I always feel like he is walking the line between anger and abuse.” Usha gave up her career after she had their son, Anil. She enjoys being at home and enjoys being a mother. “I’m much rather be at home than working.” Usha has pleaded with Sunil to go with her to a counselor. She knows that their fighting is getting worse. “I feel distant from him. We don’t talk like we used to. We fight more than talk. Then things break down, and I can’t deal with it anymore, so I just pull back.” Sunil adds: “We have a tight budget. We fight often about money. She spends too much and I wish she would be more careful.” Usha disagrees, and says she is careful with their money, and that Sunil has unrealistic expectations about what it costs to raise a kid and maintain a family. Sunil adds again: “She expects me to be perfect, and if I am not, she reminds me of my mistakes. She’s impossible to live with.”

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Questions 1. What are the possible entry gates into Sunil and Usha’s life?

2. How do you incarnate the love of Christ?

3. What questions do you want to ask Sunil and/or Usha? 4. Examine the Situation-‐Responses-‐Thoughts-‐Motives.

a. Situation: What is going on?

b. Response: What does Sunil and Usha do in response to what is going on?

c. Thoughts: What does Sunil and Usha think about what is going on?

d. Motives: What does Sunil and Usha want out of what is going on?

5. What does the Bible say about Sunil and Usha’s situation?

6. How Do You Want to Speak into Sunil and Usha’s life?

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7. What are the heart issues? What are the goals for biblical change?

8. What are the biblical methods of accomplishing God’s goals for change?

9. In what ways do you need to clarify responsibility?

10. How can you strengthen their identity in Christ? 11. What’s your plan for accountability?

12. If the only person talking with you is Sunil or Usha (and not both at the same time), and he/she is threatening to separate from his/her spouse, how would your strategy change?

13. If the only person talking with you is Sunil or Usha (and not both at the same time), and he/she

confesses that he/she has already left his/her spouse and is planning for a divorce, how would your strategy change? What if he/she is adamant about their decision to divorce, and will not change their mind?

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LOVE (Part 1): Building Redemptive Relationships

Redemptive relationships = God intends for us to be instruments in His hands to help apply the redemption of Christ to others. Foundational Love 1. God in Three Persons, Blessed Trinity In John 17: 20-‐26, Jesus prays: 20 My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24 Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. 25 Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.

2. Jesus Christ: Incarnation and Crucifixion A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. -‐ John 13:34 This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. -‐ John 15:12-‐13

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The Context for Redemptive Activity In Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. – Romans 12:5 “The primary and fullest expression of counseling ministry occurs in the local church where our pastors and elders effectively shepherd and equip us to minister to one another.” – David Powlison Two Elements of Redemptive Relationships How do we build relationships where God’s love is at the center? 1. Enter the Person’s World What an entry gate is not.

• It is not the problem that the person wants to talk about • It is not the situation or circumstance in a person’s life • It is not another person or a problem in a relationship

An entry gate is a particular person’s experience of the situation, problem or relationship.

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Counseling Scenario Jane Doe is a single woman, 32 years old. She became a Christian and was baptized when she was 8. Over the years she has faithfully attended your local church and served in various ministries: hospitality, choir, and is actively involved in a small group bible study. In the last eight years she has gone out on dates with two men from her church, but neither relationship lasted longer than a few weeks. It comes to your attention that for the last 4 months she has been dating an unbelieving male colleague from her job. You confront Jane about the situation and even quote a few Scriptures to remind her that she is not to be unequally yoked, and she responds that she is only dating. “And besides,” she says, “it’s not fair that all of my other female friends are either in courtships, engaged or married.” She says that God has cheated her, and so now she must take matters into her own hands by missionary dating.

What are some entry gates in this situation?

Listen for emotive words, interpretive words, self talk, and God talk.

2. Illustrate the Love of Christ Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. – 1 John 3:18 How do we evidence God’s love in non-‐verbal ways? (Cf. Colossians 3:12-‐17)

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Love (Part 2): Building Redemptive Relationships

Brief Review

1. Entering the Person’s World. Entry gate = not the person, or the problem, but the person’s experience of the person, problem, or situation.

2. Illustrating the Love of Christ. Not just what we say, but what we do to live out the gospel.

Identifying with Suffering

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 1:

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Two things we learn from the text:

1. God gives compassion and comfort.

2. God comforts us, so we can comfort others. A couple of comments on identifying with sufferers:

• Are you ready to deal with someone else’s pain?

• Identifying doesn’t mean you have to have experienced the exact same struggle.

• Don’t look for a magic bullet.

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• Don’t shy away from truth.

• If you have struggled much, then let the comfort that God has given you overflow into your friend’s life.

• If you have struggled little in your life that doesn’t remove the responsibility to care for strugglers.

• There would be no such things as compassion if there was no God.

• Suffering + Comfort/Compassion = Hope. Accepting with Agenda Titus 2:11-‐12, “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men. It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-‐controlled, upright and godly lives in the present age.”

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Implementing What We Have Learned

Counseling Scenario Jane Doe is a single woman, 32 years old. She became a Christian and was baptized when she was 8. Over the years she has faithfully attended your local church and served in various ministries: hospitality, choir, and is actively involved in a small group bible study. In the last eight years she has gone out on dates with two men from her church, but neither relationship lasted longer than a few weeks. It comes to your attention that for the last 4 months she has been dating an unbelieving male colleague from her job. You confront Jane about the situation and even quote a few Scriptures to remind her that she is not to be unequally yoked, and she responds that she is only dating. “And besides,” she says, “it’s not fair that all of her other female friends are either in courtships, engaged or married. She says that God has cheated her, and so now she must take matters into her own hands by missionary dating.”

How can we point Jane to truth, and at the same time show comfort and compassion, and in the end instill hope into her heart? How can we accept Jane, and yet at the same time challenge her to change?

Your Chance to Practice….

Counseling Scenario: Matthew (the Depressed Husband) and Judy Matthew is married male, 42 years old. He has been a Christian since his teen years. He’s married to Judy and they’ve been together for 20 years. They have three kids, all of whom have “normal” struggles (e.g., teen pressure, struggles with worldliness, etc.). Matt faithfully attended your local church and for many years has served in various ministries. He’s noticeably become less involved over the last two years (apart from regular attendance). You had not seen him in a month, and even noticed his wife coming to church without Matthew. Suspecting something amiss, you call Matthew and it takes several days before you get a return phone call from his wife. She’s quite frank, “Matt is going through depression, and we’re at a loss as to what to do. It started about a 1 ½ years ago, and has gradually gotten worse and worse. He’s been able to make it to work, but that’s about it. He comes home, collapses on the bed, sleeps most of the time, he’s not involved with the kids, and he’s stopped coming to church.” She is noticeably fearful throughout the entire phone call. What should you do? As far as you know, you are the only person who knows about their plight.

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Same questions as before: How can we point Judy to truth, and at the same time show comfort and compassion, and in the end instill hope into her heart? How can we accept Judy, and yet at the same time challenge her to deal with the situation?

Case Studies Internet Pornography Addiction

This case study deals with internet pornography. The case study included below is hypothetical. What Is Our Goal? Our goal is to take the LOVE-‐KNOW-‐SPEAK-‐DO model and implement it in real life situations. Dealing with the Internet Porn (IP) problem Much like depression, the IP problem affects a large portion of the population. After You Do the Case Study… Get a little background information on internet porn addictions. I’ve included two articles from the Journal of Biblical Counseling to help you think further about internet porn (don’t feel like you need to read all of the material…just read whatever you can!). I’ve also made some suggestions for further reading below. Resources that Deal with Sexual Sin

1. Joshua Harris’ Sex is not the problem, lust is. 2. David Powlison’s chapter Sexual Sin, the Wider, Deeper Battle in Sex & the Supremacy of Christ

(edited by Piper & Taylor) 3. David Powlison’s Breaking Pornography Addiction 4. Ed Welch’s Crossroads (10-‐lesson workbook on addictions in general)

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Case Study on Internet Pornography Addiction Counselee Name: Mr. Clark Cannot (26 yoa) Marital and Family History: Clark is not married. Clark’s mother and father are faithful believers. Clark has several siblings, none of whom are Christians. Employment: Clark works as a project manager at a Dubai construction company organization. Church Involvement: Clark is an active member and has regularly attended for all two years of Redeemer’s history. He is very involved in the ushering ministry and attends a small group. He lives with two other guys from the church. Presenting problems: (1) addiction to internet pornography (2) a high-‐degree of stress at work (3) poor spiritual disciplines History of Problems: Clark comes to you after Sunday service and asks if you can get together for coffee. You can tell he is struggling with something, so you arrange for a meeting the very next day. At the meeting, Clark opens up about his dark past. His struggles started in 8th grade when some school friends showed him some porn on the internet and taught him how to get around the Emirates internet filters. He looked at the images and felt a mixture of curiosity and arousal all at the same time. He revisited the sites a couple more times over the coming week but tried to avoid going back to look at it as he knew it was wrong . But instead of avoiding it, he looked regularly over the next few years at a wide range of pornographic sites. A couple of months before he graduated high school, his father walked in as Clark was looking at a porn site. His father confronted him, and Clark had to own up to his struggles. His father offered accountability and they met a couple of times. Then, as normal, his dad got busy and the accountability stopped happening. In University, it took no more than a few weeks before Clark was again looking at porn sites. The habit continued throughout University. After he graduated and got a job in Dubai he had resolved to do something about it. He has read Scripture, prayed, and read books on porn addictions, but he found very little success in defeating the sin. “I feel like a major failure. I can go a few days without doing it, but then I always come back to it. I can’t help it. I need more. Then I do it again and I feel horrible afterwards. It’s like a dog returning to his own vomit.” Clark has got a stressful job, so sometimes he will lock the door at work and plunge into the porn. None of his roommates know about the problem. In fact, apart from you, no one else at church knows about it. “In college, I talked with my pastor, but he kept on getting frustrated with me. He kept telling me the same things—repent of my sin, read my Bible, pray, trust in Christ. After a while, it was as if the pastor didn’t know what else to say. I kept on doing these things, but nothing has really changed.” Clark is reluctant to talk with other people. “I’m ashamed of it.” He also recognizes that he has downplayed the problem. “At first I thought it’s not that big of a deal. I can get control of it. I don’t

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want to burden other people.” Clark realized he was deceiving himself into thinking it is not that big of a problem. Clark has come to you for counsel because he trusts you and respects you. He knows now that he needs help to fight the problem. Questions 14. What are the possible entry gates into Clark’s life?


16. Are there ways in which you can identify with Clark’s struggle/suffering? 17. What questions do you want to ask Clark? 18. Examine Clark’s Situation-‐Responses-‐Thoughts-‐Motives.

e. Situation: What is going on?

f. Response: What does Clark do in response to what is going on?

g. Thoughts: What does Clark think about what is going on?

h. Motives: What does Clark want out of what is going on?

19. What does the Bible say about Clark’s situation?

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20. How Do You Want to Speak into Clark’s life?




24. How can you strengthen Clark’s identity in Christ? 25. What’s your plan for accountability? 26. What if Clark lived alone…how would that change your counsel to him? 27. What if Clark was married, and his wife discovered his secret habit. And imagine that she called you

with a plea for help. How would you help them?

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Getting to Know People (Part 1) -‐ Discovering Where Change is Needed

Introduction Living as an ambassador means:

• to incarnate the LOVE of Christ, • seeking to KNOW where change is needed in a person’s life, • being faithful to SPEAK the truth in love, and • assisting people to DO what God has called them to do.

Brief Review

1. ENTERING a person’s world = Entry Gates.

2. INCARNATING the love of Christ.

3. IDENTIFYING with suffering.

4. ACCEPT with God’s agenda.

Example: Gina calls you last night. Her husband left her and said he wants a divorce. She says he left during the day and didn’t left a note that simple said, “I want out. I’m leaving you.” She’s got two young children, and she’s crying. “I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.”

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The Concept The concept here is that wise people are not just people with the wise answers, but people who ask the wise questions. The Problem of Assumptions When you assume, you do not ask. The principle here is simple: Don’t assume, ask. To ensure that your conclusions are valid, there are three things you can regularly do: 1. DEFINITION: Ask people to define their terms (What are they saying?). 2. CLARIFICATION: Ask people to clarify what they mean with concrete, real life examples of the terms they have used. (How do they say it?). 3. EXPLANATION: Ask people to explain why they responded the way they did in the examples they have given you. (Why did they say it?). Christ the Data Gatherer (Hebrews 4) 14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:14-‐16).

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Asking Good Questions 1. Always ask open-‐ended questions. 2. Use a combination of survey and focused questions. 3. Remember that certain kinds of questions reveal certain kinds of information. This leads to five classes of questions:

• What? This is your most basic question to uncover general information.

• How? Reveals the way something was done.

• Why? Uncovers purpose, desire, goals, or motivations.

• How often? Where? These questions reveal themes and patterns in a person’s life.

• When? Uncovers the order of events.

4. Ask a progressive line of questions in which each is based on information uncovered in previous questions.

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Getting to Know People (Part 2) – Discovering Where Change is Needed

Introduction The example of Jane Doe. Every day we relate our interpretations of life with one another and tell people what we think about their circumstances, relationships, and responses. Biblical personal ministry is not just about gathering data, but about making sense of it. The Key Concept People’s stories come to us in a messy pile that needs sorting—or to put it another way, the story needs interpretation and organization. Let’s organize the information into four hooks:

1. Situation 2. Response 3. Thoughts 4. Motives

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Organizing Information Biblically

Hook #1: The Situation Key Question: What is going on? Historical

• Family of origin. • Crisis events. • Significant relationships? • Significant experience.

Present

• Life context. • Significant relationships. • Present family. • Presenting problem.

Hook # 2. The Reponses Key Question: What does the person do in response to what is going on? *Themes and patterns provide us with an idea of what is going on in the heart Hook #3. The Thoughts Key Question: What does the person think about what is going on? *We need to look for the seeds of wrong behavior in distorted and unbiblical thought

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Scriptural Case Study: 1 Kings 19:1-‐18 – Elijah’s Distorted Views vv. 3-‐4 – Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he may die. “I have had enough Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” v. 10 & 14 – He replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

• Distorted view of the past.

• Distorted view of the present.

• Distorted view of self.

• Distorted view of God.

• Distorted view of the future. Hook #4: The Motives Key Question: What does the person want out of what is going on? Do you think this is mechanical?

“…because I love people, I will not be satisfied with lobbing grenades of general truth at them. Rather, through good questions, committed listening, and careful interpretation, I will enter their world with the understanding necessary to bring Christ’s help to where it is really needed. For these reasons, even something as seemingly mechanical as gathering personal information can be fueled by love and become an opportunity to incarnate the presence and grace of the One who is love.”

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-‐ Paul David Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands, p. 197

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Questions Exercise What’s the basic problem? Notes on the conversation: Questions You Might Ask:

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Speak (Part 1): Biblical Confrontation

Introduction Imagine a friend called you and said he is coming over tomorrow to rebuke you. What would your reaction be? Definition: What is Confrontation? Confrontation is when one individual speaks biblical truth into another individual’s life with the goal of correcting unbiblical thinking or living. Rebuke and confrontation is not one radical moment of truth-‐telling, with a long list of indictments. Rather the model here is “ongoing honesty in an ongoing relationship.” To Judge or Not to Judge…that is the question! Judgment ultimately belongs to God. The apostle Paul writes, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:19). Yet, as Christians, we are not completely excused from judging others (Matt 12, 18; 1 Cor 5). Confrontation Starts with You! You want to look at things like:

• What are my motives going into the situation? Are you struggling with anger, bitterness, thoughts of vengeance, a spirit of condemnation, etc.?

• What assumptions have I made about the person or situation? Do I need to examine them?

• Have I taken the time to pray about this? • If I am unsure if this is wise, have I sought the counsel of others? • What unbiblical thoughts do I have about what is going on? Do I think wrongly about

this situation, or have I been taught poorly about how to handle this?

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Point of application: How good are you at examining your own heart? Our rebuke can be rendered ineffective because we:

• Turn moments of ministry into moments for anger. • Personalize things that don’t need to be personalized. • Become adversarial in our approach. • Confuse our opinion with God’s will. • Settle for quick solutions that don’t address the heart.

There are lots of reasons why our sin can lead us to avoid confrontation. For example:

• Most of us hate conflict. • Sometimes, we assume that someone else will deal with the problem. • We can show very subtle forms of favoritism. • If we bear a grudge against someone, or are angry, we avoid confrontation.

Three Goals in Confrontation

1. For God to make his appeal through us! “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God” (2 Cor 5:20).

2. To help people to see themselves in light of God’s Word

3. To be used of God as an agent of repentance! Repentance literally means a turning your back on sin. Tripp defines it as “a change in heart that leads to a change in the direction of your life.” In Joel 2:12-‐13, we read, “’Even now,’ declares the Lord, ‘return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.’ Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love.”

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Understand Why People need to be Confronted.

1. The deceitfulness of sin. Heb 3:12-‐13.

2. Wrong and unbiblical thinking. Numbers 11; Psalm 73.

3. Emotional thinking. Confrontation Places the Person before the Lord In confrontation, the most important encounter for the person is not with us, but with God. In Conclusion:

• Confrontation is about maintaining a lifestyle of honesty and truth-‐telling in our relationships.

• God can use our confrontation to help change people’s lives and help them to face up to their sin.

• There are lots of sinful reasons why we avoid confrontation, so we need to examine our hearts to see what stops us.

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Speak (Part 2): Speaking the Truth in Love

Introduction Progressive steps of confrontation are consideration, confession, commitment, and change. Biblical Confrontation Progressive Steps of Confrontation

• Consideration.

o What was going on?

o What were you thinking and feeling as it was going on?

o What did you do in response?

o Why did you do it?

o What was the result?

• Confession • Commitment.

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• Change. These four steps provide a roadmap for us: 1. Consideration. What does God want the person to see? 2. Confession. What does God want the person to admit and confess? 3. Commitment. To what new ways of living is God calling this person? 4. Change. How should these new commitments be applied to daily living? Learn to Confront Biblically

o Two-‐way communication.

o Use of metaphor.

o Self-‐confronting statements.

o Summary. Conclusion o The progressive steps of confrontation are: consideration, confession, commitment, and

change. If the goals of confrontation are to help a person to see his sin and to repent, then it is essential that the confrontation be interactive.

o I must be committed to a process of truth-‐seeking that results in lasting heart change. I

must follow the example of Christ as I speak truth and seek to give sight to those around me. I must ask myself, “Where is God seeking to help me see and lead me to repentance?”

o I must patiently lead people through the steps of confrontation. I must learn to ask good,

heart-‐revealing questions. I must learn to find metaphors in others’ lives that help them to see truth.

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Case Studies Worry, Anxiety and Stress

This case study deals with worry, anxiety and stress. The case study included below is hypothetical. What Is Our Goal? Our goal is to take the LOVE-‐KNOW-‐SPEAK-‐DO model and implement it in real life situations. Dealing with Worry, Anxiety and Stress Worry, anxiety and stress is fairly common and is something we’ll face often in pastoral ministry. There can be more extreme forms of it that cause a person to “melt down” or to panic (anxiety attacks), or it can manifest itself in limited time frames and in particular seasons (stressful season at work; teenagers at home; spouse goes through a time of sickness; etc.), or it can just be a “normal” part of life. Regardless, we need to find ways to think biblically about how to fight it. After You Do the Case Study… Do some more reading to get more information on worry, anxiety and stress. I’ve included two articles from the Journal of Biblical Counseling to help you think further about this topic. References on Worry, Anxiety and Stress

1. Ed Welch’s Running Scared: Fear, Worry and the God of Rest 2. Ed Welch’s workbook When I Am Afraid 3. Wayne Mack’s Anger & Stress Management God’s Way 4. David Powlison’s Don’t Worry 5. Robert Jones’ Getting to the Heart of Worry 6. Lou Priolo’s Fear: Breaking It’s Grip (Resources for Biblical Living Series)

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Case Study on Worry, Anxiety and Stress Counselee Name: Mr. Philip Hu (32 yoa) Marital and Family History: Philip is not married. Philip grew up in a Chinese family in mainland China. He grew up in a typically hard working family. Employment: Philip works as an engineer. He feels a lot of pressure to do well in his career. Church Involvement: Philip is an active member and has regularly attended for one year. He is very involved in several ministries and attends a small group. Presenting problems: (1) Fairly constant anxiety (2) Crisis of faith (3) No certainty of his eternal destiny History of Problems: Philip suffered his first panic attack two weeks prior to moving (one year ago) to Dubbia. He was watching a basketball game at his father’s place when the attack hit him. He describes a pain that shot up his arm and into his heart. He hit the floor and thought he was going to have a heart attack. His father rushed him to the hospital and he was diagnosed with a panic attack. At the time of the first meeting, he was cycling into his second phase of anxiety. He didn’t have an attack, but instead had a constant fear of another attack. When he moved, he did have a significant headache during the flight from China to Dubbai (“It was so bad I thought it was a brain tumor.”) In early September, the anxiety returned and remained. He also reports being unsure if he is saved. He has lost his confidence in God and wanted to know if God was putting him “through hell.” He reports a lack of connectedness with God for a long time. He is also uncertain of his destiny (which is easily connected to his lack of confidence in God at this time). When asked what his anxiety level is (ten is worst, one is best) Philip reported a ten. As come to know Philip, you start to realize that he worries a lot about everything. Remarkably, he showed noticeable signs of improvement in the second meeting. Philip’s anxiety went down to a three (note the one to ten scale mentioned above). At that point you are not sure why. He reported reading Don Whitney’s book on assurance and several apologetic books. Both helped in giving him some assurance of faith. You focused the meeting on his relationship with God, worship (public and private), Christian duty, and prayer since his anxiety was quickly dissipating. He reports himself as being an intellectual Christian and currently not having much feeling for God. His relationship with God is like being in a dark house and talking to someone who you don’t know is there. We also discussed why he may have anxiety in the first place. You worked on a relaxation technique to help him with anxiety. Critical Incidents: During the first meeting, you asked Philip what he thinks is going on in his life. Philip said: “Either God is giving me hell or I’ll eventually go nuts because I worry to much.” He then paused and said: “Do you think I’m nuts?” There was a palpable tension in the air. You responded: “No, but I do think you are struggling.”

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Questions 28. What are the possible entry gates into Philip’s life?


30. How do you speak to Philip about suffering? 31. What questions do you want to ask Philip? 32. Examine Philip’s Situation-‐Responses-‐Thoughts-‐Motives.

i. Situation: What is going on?

j. Response: What does Philip do in response to what is going on?

k. Thoughts: What does Philip think about what is going on?

l. Motives: What does Philip want out of what is going on?

33. What does the Bible say about Philip’s situation?

34. How Do You Want to Speak into Philip’s life?

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38. How can you strengthen Philip’s identity in Christ? 39. What’s your plan for accountability?

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Do (Part 1): Applying Change to Everyday Life

Introduction Four elements of “DO”:

1. Establishing a personal ministry agenda.

2. Clarifying responsibility.

3. Instilling identity in Christ.

4. Providing accountability. Faith with Deeds (James 4) The most famous passage in the bible about faith and works, James 2:14 – 24:

14 What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15 Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

18 But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”

Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

20 You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? 21 Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. 23 And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend. 24 You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone.

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Learning from the text: Faith without deeds is dead (v. 17) and useless (v. 20) Faith is made complete by action (v. 22). Faith proceeds action. Establish a Personal Ministry Agenda At some point in the process of counseling, you have to establish an agenda—a simple plan for accomplishing a goal. God is calling this person in this situation to these specific changes. Let’s consider some agenda-‐setting questions.

1. What does the Bible say about the information that has been gathered? Remember the biblical grid we have offered in previous classes:

a. Situation. What is GOING on? b. Responses. What does the person DO in response to what is going on? c. Thoughts. What does the person THINK about what is going on? d. Motives. What does the person WANT out of what is going on? e. Consequences. What is the RESULT of what is going on?

2. What are God’s goal for change for this person in this situation?

3. What are the biblical methods for accomplishing God’s goals for change?

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Clarify Responsibility Who is responsible for what? There are three ways in which people can struggle with their responsibility.

1. Too small of an inner circle.

2. Too large of an inner circle.

3. Genuine confusion.

Concerns that You Entrust to God

Your Callings and Responsibility

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Opportunity to Practice Clarifying Responsibility

1. Barbara says in great anger to her son, “I will make you eat these vegetables if it is the last thing I ever do!”

2. Jonathan has struggled in a relationship with Fred. There are ways in which he has clearly sinned against Fred. He has asked God’s forgiveness. Now he says, “I am waiting on God to help reconcile us together. I know it will work out all in God’s timing.”

3. David works very hard to fight his sin with internet pornography. He has gotten an internet software protection program (Covenant Eyes). He talks weekly with an accountability partner. He faithfully studies Scripture and prays. He sometimes gets distracted by worldly temptations and stumbles back into porn.

4. Debbie’s son is prone to joking around and not taking things seriously. She responds by creating rigid rules and constantly correcting his joking.

5. Dean’s father beat him when he was little. Dean says, “I can’t forgive him, but God can.”

6. Jonathan insists that he is trying to help his marriage get better. Yet, his wife, Debbie complains that Jonathan doesn’t take her conversations seriously. He jokes around until the last minute, and then when she is about to give up, he finally starts paying attention.

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DO (Part 2): Applying Change to Everyday Life

Introduction Human beings always live out of some sense of identity. It is vital for the believer to understand his or her identity in Christ. We must ask ourselves, “Do we view our lives and ourselves from the vantage point of who we are in Christ?” Instill Identity in Christ and the Gospel As we call people to the difficult process of change, it is important that we call them to live out of a sense of identity that is shaped and formed by the gospel. The longer we struggle with a problem, the more likely we are to define ourselves by that problem. Personal ministry is a matter of setting Christ continually before others so that He becomes the inner spring which is the source of their sanctification? Identity Passages We must set before others: 1. Their Union with Christ (Romans 6:5-‐9; Ephesians 5:3-‐8)

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2. Their Present and Future Victory in Christ (Romans 8:31-‐36; Revelation 21:1-‐6)

“My relationship to God is not a variable one. The case is not that I am a child of God, and then again not a child of God. That is not the basis of my standing, that is not the position. When God had mercy upon me, He made me His child, and I remain his child. A very sinful, and a very unworthy one, perhaps, but still his child! And now, when I fall into sin, I have not sinned against the law, I have sinned against love. Like the prodigal, I will go back to my Father and I ill tell Him, “Father, I am not worthy to be called your son.” But He will embrace me, and He will say, “Do not talk nonsense, you are My child,” and He will shower his love upon me! That is the meaning of putting on the breastplate of righteousness! Never allow the devil to get you into a state of condemnation. Never allow a particular sin to cause again the whole question of your standing before God. That question has been settled.” -‐ D. Martyn Lloyd-‐Jones

Providing Accountability Personal change is a community project, which should include:

• Carrying each others’ burdens (Galatians 6:2). • Encouraging one another daily (Hebrews 3:13)

Accountability is NOT:

• about being a private detective • about trying to do the work of the Holy Spirit • about being someone’s conscience • about forcing someone to obey

Accountability PROVIDES:

• providing structure

• providing guidance

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• providing warning

• providing encouragement

• providing assistance Three questions to ask ourselves as we seek to provide ongoing accountability:

• What kinds of ongoing help will this person need? • How often will I need to be in contact with him or her for change to continue?

• Are there other resources in the church that would be helpful during this period of

change? And how can I connect this person to those resources?

And what is the main thing that the church does for each other? We speak to each other in ways that help us not be deceived by the allurements of sin. Or to put it positively, we speak to each other in ways that cause us to have hearts of faith in the superior value of Christ over all things. We fight to maintain each other's faith, by speaking words that point people to the truth and value of Jesus. That's how you guard against an evil heart of unbelief. Unbelief means failing to rest in Jesus as your greatest treasure. So helping each other believe means showing people reasons why Jesus is more to be desired and trusted and loved than anything else. – John Piper, “Eternal Security is a Community Project,” (Aug. 18, 1996)

Think Through Providing Accountability in this Situation… Jonathan has been struggling with internet porn for years, and yet he has not told anyone. He comes to you and confesses his sin. What next?

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Case Studies Fear of Man

This case study deals with fear of man. The case study included below is hypothetical. What Is Our Goal? Our goal is to take the LOVE-‐KNOW-‐SPEAK-‐DO model and implement it in real life situations. Dealing with the Fear of Man Fearing others is very common among Christians. Christians often wrestle with the fear of man versus the fear of God. Our question today is to consider what helps to fear others less and to fear God more? After You Do the Case Study Do some reading on the fear of man. I’ve included articles from the Journal of Biblical Counseling to help you think further about marital conflict.

Resources on the Fear of Man

1. Ed Welch’s When People Are Big and God is Small 2. Lou Priolo’s People Pleasing: How to Not Be an Approval Junkie

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Case Study on the Fear of Man Counselee Name: Manny (27 yoa) and Carmen (27 yoa) Hernandez Marital and Family History: Married for 6 years. They have two children. Their parents were good friends and introduced them. They feel in love fairly quickly. They both grew up in Roman Catholic families, but got converted in evangelical churches. Employment: Both work as laborers, with Carmen serving as a maid for her current employer for the last two years. They came to the Middle East to work three years ago hoping to make a go of it since they have always struggled with employment back home in the Philippines. Church Involvement: Both are active members and have regularly attended for one year. Manny is very involved in the church and they both attend your small group. Presenting problems: (1) Regular fighting (2) fear of man with Carmen’s employers (3) anxiety, worry History of Problems: Carmen and Manny sit next to you at church, and after the service you ask how they are doing. After about five minutes of small talk, Carmen shares that she is scared she might get fired at work. Because it is already late, you talk about it briefly, offer to pray for her, and commit to follow-‐up with them. They come to your house the next week and tell you the full story. Carmen has worked “in and out” of maid jobs for a long-‐time, dating back to their life in the Philippines. She likes the work and enjoys getting to know the families, but she says their also hazards to the job. For one thing, she gets to know things about the family she works for because she is always at their place. You prod a bit further to find out that Carmen turn out to be a bit too nosy for her own good. For example, if papers are left on a desk, she will dwell for a few minutes (if no one is around) and read. She does know some “dirty” secrets, and she is fearful that her employers know that she knows. They have always been kind to her, but recently, the husband has been very short with her. Manny is concerned that the husband does really know because he has been asking Carmen to do extra work but not compensating her any more than he usually does. Manny and Carmen are hard workers. They send money back home to the Phillipines to support family. One of their kids is living with grandparents right now. They said they can’t afford to lose her job because family members back home are depending on them. Manny and Carmen have a good marriage, but fight a lot. Filipinos are known to be super passionate, and that those holds true for both of them. Manny does not do that much around the home, and Carmen is expected to do all of the cooking, cleaning, and child rearing. Manny can be very “machismo,” and has balked at times when you’ve tried to encourage him to be more servant-‐hearted in the home. When you encourage her to talk to him about it, she is evidently scared to make Manny angry. She says to you, “I’d rather have peace in my home. I’ve already got enough stress at work! I don’t want to bring any more stress into my home! Why bother, Manny is never going to change.”

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Questions 1. What are the possible entry gates into Manny and Carmen’s life?

2. How do you incarnate the love of Christ for them?

3. What questions do you want to ask Manny and/or Carmen? 4. Examine the Situation-‐Responses-‐Thoughts-‐Motives.

• Situation: What is going on?

• Response: What does Manny and Carmen do in response to what is going on?

• Thoughts: What does Manny and Carmen think about what is going on?

• Motives: What does Manny and Carmen want out of what is going on?

5. What does the Bible say about Manny and Carmen’s situation?

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6. How Do You Want to Speak into Manny and Carmen’s life?




10. How can you strengthen their identity in Christ? 11. What’s your plan for accountability?

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