Repentance and Forgiveness

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.

Proclamation, ¶ 7

“Forgiveness is the miraculous ingredient that assures harmony and love in the home”

Spencer W. KimballMiracle of Forgiveness, p. 275

Damage and Repair in Relationships

Damage is inevitable “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will

certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it up carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C. S. Lewis (Four Loves, p. 121)

“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” Rom. 3: 23

Offences are innumerable “And finally, I cannot tell you all the things whereby ye may commit

sin; for there are divers ways and means, even so many that I cannot number them.” Mosiah 4: 29

Little/big; intentional/unintentional; commission/omission; know/unknown

“The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none.” Carlyle

Damage and Repair in Relationships

Offense implies a relationship Every sin offends Father in Heaven Exaltation is by family—all personal imperfections affect family

“Spiritual perspective on repentance leads us to understand that we change for the ones we love as well as for ourselves…[This] moral imperative for change may be relatively lacking in a secular perspective, while in a spiritual/gospel perspective, it is central.”

Text, p. 154-55

At-one-ment Commandment to be “one” requires reconciliation Reconciliation with earthly family priority

“Therefore, if ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.”

3 Nephi 12:23-24

Understanding Reconciliation

Does not always mean total restoration of mortal relationships, but we are always required to do our part

UsFamily

Offender Offended

Family, GodUs

Offence

Repentance Forgiveness

Understanding Repentance

Change for the better is essential to progress, progress is part of relationship joy You can’t change others, only yourself

“Each of you is likely to carry into the next marriage all the weaknesses and sins and errors you have now, unless you repent and transform. And if you will change your life for a new spouse, why not for the present one?”

Spencer W. KimballMiracle of Forgiveness, p 271

You can’t even see other’s imperfections clearly until you’re perfect (mote/beam)

What might be obstacles? Pride, Rationalization (Self Betrayal)

“Rationalization is the bringing of ideals down to the level of one’s conduct. Repentance is the bringing of one’s conduct up to the level of his ideals.”

Requirements of RepentanceAlan Bergin Model — Text , Box 11.1

Self-Confrontation Experience Guilt Feel Sorrow & Remorse Confess (as necessary) Accept consequences

Self-Control Forsake Violation Learn Self-regulation Adopt New Lifestyle

Self-Sacrifice Make Restitution Offer Reconciliation Restore Losses Forgive Others

The Confession Part of Repentance

Not just about revealing, but about sharing burdens

Part of reconciliation Acknowledge damage to relationships with individual,

God, Church

"Fathers, not only do you have the right to know the worthiness of your children, you have the responsibility. It is your duty to know how your children are doing with regards to their spiritual well-being and progression...

Too often our bishops have to instruct youth to talk to their parents about problems they are having. That procedure should actually flow the other direction. Parents should be so intimately aware of what is going on in their children’s lives that they know about the problems before the bishop does. They should be counseling with their children and going with them to their bishops if that becomes necessary for complete repentance."

M. Russell Ballard“The Greatest Generation of Missionaries,” Ensign, Nov. 2002, 46

The Forgiveness Part of Repentance

SelfOthersMy disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.

Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother [or sister] his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him [or her] the greater sin.

I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

And ye ought to say in your hearts – let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.

D&C 64:8-11

Understanding Forgiveness

What it IS: Qualitatively & Quantitatively “And be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even

as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32 “For behold, if a man being evil giveth a gift, he doeth it grudgingly;

wherefore it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift; wherefore it is counted evil before God.” Moroni 7:8

“How oft shall my [family member] sin against me, and I forgive him [or her]? Till seven times?” Jesus saith unto [us], “I say not unto thee, until seven times; but until seventy times seven.” Matthew 18: 21-22

“Forgiveness is not an act, but a way of life.” Text, p. 161

What it ISN’T: Ignoring and moving on, Excusing and tolerating evil “Without the kind of forgiveness that stems from the Atonement--that pays

the demands of justice and fully heals all family members--there is no eternal family. Living families petrify and hearts turn to stone under the gradually accumulating layers of hurt and pain over the years.” Text, p. 155

Requirements of ForgivenessWalton Model

Name Offence, Recognize Consequences What and why offensive

Disclose To a confidant or therapist (prayer!)

Prevent Take responsibility to protect against future harm

Restore Lost Order Take care of what you can on your side

Envision Freedom See what life will be, believe in it, do it

The Acceptance Part of Forgiveness

Accept person, not sinAccept reality and loss

You may feel grief in your marriage in the areas where reality is less than the ideal that you carry within your head. Part of productive grieving is accepting the loss, and part of accepting the loss includes accepting your mate for who he or she is… When your mate is not exactly who you thought he [or she] was when he [or she] said , "I do," you have a choice. You can be resentful and punish him or her for changing your dream, or you can become more accepting…It requires patience, contentment with what is, and an active commitment to forgiveness—forgiveness for who your mate is not, including real sins and the garden variety failures to live up to your dreams.

Scott StanleyThe Heart of

Commitment

Afflictions Borne of Unforgiving Hearts

Health professionals point to headaches, abdominal pains, ulcers, gastritis, and irritable bowelHigher levels of anger, hostility, and other stress responses related to cardiovascular disease; depression (Neumann & Chi, 1993; Freedman and Enright, 1996; Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 1994; others in text)

Missed benefits include happier marriages, (more trust, positive emotion, closeness, commitment, stability, longevity), better emotional/physical health (see text references)

“[T]here are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system…If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it.”

President Brigham Young

Six Steps to Reconciliation(Worthington & Drinkard, 2000, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy)

1. Decide whether to reconcile.In cases of abuse it may be ill-advised.

2. Use softness.Avoid hardening our defenses to avoid being hurt further—give other benefit of doubt, allow recognition of own part and apologize.

3. Forgive. Hold on to forgiveness—recall may come, but don’t let it stay

4. Reverse the negative cascade. Recall the good times, focus on the positive, engage in loving behaviors toward that person

5. Deal with failures in trustworthiness.Adopt “attitude of gratitude” (notice person trying to be good) and “attitude of latitude” (toward others’ imperfections).

6. Actively build love 5:1 positivity/negativity, work on langues of love

In Your Own FamilyThink of a family member who “hath aught against you,” or who you “hath aught against.” This is, someone who is upset with you (or you with her/him), who feels distant from you (or you from him/her), or who has hurt you in some way (or you her/him), that is, with whom there is a lack of unity and harmony for whatever reason. Write what specific things you can do to become “one” with this person through repentance/forgiveness/reconciliation. Ask:

What is the most significant personal obstacle to my ability to actively repent or forgive this family member?

What can I do to draw strength from the Lord and inspiration and courage from my own forgiven-ness to overcome this obstacle?

What would be the best way to express my apology or forgiveness to this family member?