revising sentences for order - simon fraser …whitmore/courses/ensc803/materials/...revising for...
TRANSCRIPT
Revising for Order 1 of 70
Revising Sentences for Order
© Steve Whitmore
June 2014
Revising for Order 2 of 70
Revising Sentences for Order
At the end of this module, you will be able to identify and
correct stylistic problems involving the following:
Empty Sentence Openers
Embedded Phrases
Weak Endings
Passive Voice
Revising for Order 3 of 70
Context for the Style Lectures
Most of the examples used are real ones.
Avoid viewing the strategies presented here as simply a
new set of rules. Apply the strategies as appropriate to
the context.
Learn the patterns in order to simplify the revising
process.
The source for some of these strategies is Joseph
Williams, 2005, Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace,
Pearson, ISBN: 0-321-28831-9.
Revising for Order 4 of 70
What is Style? Each of us has a unique way that we prefer to structure
our sentences and paragraphs (personal style) – often based upon the habits and experiences of writers.
Most disciplines have a preferred way of structuring sentences and paragraphs (disciplinary styles) – sometimes made explicit to writers (but often tacit).
The readability of a text depends upon structuring sentences and paragraphs in ways that are easy for readers to comprehend (cognitive style) – sometimes these principles are not understood by writers.
Sometimes personal, disciplinary and cognitive styles conflict!
Revising for Order 5 of 70
What is Style? If the goal is to have your writing accepted by a journal,
study the style used in samples from the journal and try
to match it.
If the goal is to present information in the most clear
manner possible, employ the principles outlined in the
style lectures.
Put simply, a writer’s style depends upon the often
complex interaction between the needs and require-
ments of the audience, and the preferences of the
writer.
Styling for Order 6 of 73
Cognition and Brain Research Research is starting to reveal that cognitive models are, in fact, based
upon neurological functions.
For example, capturing attention activates the amygdala in the brain
(emotional responses and alertness).
The amygdala interacts with the hippocampus which in turn interacts
with the visual cortex.
Learning is then consolidated by transferring information from short-
term memory to working memory in the prefrontal cortex and the
parietal cortex.
Working memory then generates long-term memory, likely via
repetition and rehearsal, in various places in the brain via growth in
neurons and synapses.
The brain potentially has 100,000,000,000,000 (1014
or 100 trillion)
synaptic connections.
Styling for Order 7 of 35
Source: David Sousa. 2006. How the Brain Learns (3rd ed.). Corwin Press: Thousand Oaks, CA.
Prefrontal Cortex
Parietal Cortex
Visual Cortex
Styling for Order 8 of 73
Cognition and Brain Research
Attention
(Amygdala)
Short-Term
Memory
(Hippocampus)
Seeing
(Visual Cortex)
Working Memory
(Prefrontal Cortex)
(Parietal Cortex)
IMAGING REPETITION
REHEARSAL
To remember information:
• Attend to the task
• Visualize the patterns
• Repeat the information
Long Term
Memory
(Many Places)
Revising for Order 9 of 70
Understanding Emphasis
Therefore, the project manager hired six new engineers
Beginnings (subjects) tell us what the sentence is about,
qualify the sentence, or relate back to a previous idea.
Middles (verbs) explain the relationship between the
beginning and the end of the sentence.
Endings (objects) provide new or important information.
The expectations of readers and the practices of writers
sometimes conflict in terms of where to place new or
important information.
Revising for Order 10 of 70
Patterns for Empty Openers
There is/are . . . . . . (that/which) . . .
It is . . . . . . (that) . . .
Revising for Order 11 of 70
Empty Sentence Openers
There are many aspects of the problem that have not yet
been considered.
Revising for Order 12 of 70
Empty Sentence Openers
There are many aspects of the problem that have not yet
been considered.
Revising for Order 13 of 70
Empty Sentence Openers
Many aspects of the problem have not yet been
considered.
Revising for Order 14 of 70
Empty Sentence Openers
It is clear that the kiln contributes to the problem.
It is probable that we should measure the wind
characteristics at the site.
Revising for Order 15 of 70
Empty Sentence Openers
It is clear that the kiln contributes to the problem.
It is probable that we should measure the wind
characteristics at the site.
Revising for Order 16 of 70
Empty Sentence Openers
Clearly, the kiln contributes to the problem.
Probably, we should measure the wind characteristics at
the site.
Revising for Order 17 of 70
Weak Sentence Openers
It is our understanding that the clarifier does not form a
direct part of the treatment system.
Revising for Order 18 of 70
Weak Sentence Openers
It is our understanding that the clarifier does not form a
direct part of the treatment system.
Revising for Order 19 of 70
Weak Sentence Openers
We understand that the clarifier does not form a direct part
of the treatment system.
Revising for Order 20 of 70
Weak Sentence Openers
There is a trust among peers and a growing trust with
management. This encourages open communication and
productivity.
Revising for Order 21 of 70
Weak Sentence Openers
There is a trust among peers and a growing trust with
management. This encourages open communication and
productivity.
Revising for Order 22 of 70
Weak Sentence Openers
The trust among peers and the growing trust with
management encourages open communication and
productivity.
Revising for Order 23 of 70
Empty Sentence Openers
It is true that there is now widespread acceptance that
there is a solid market for our company’s goods, but there
is now increased competition for our products.
Revising for Order 24 of 70
Empty Sentence Openers
It is true that there is now widespread acceptance that
there is a solid market for our company’s goods, but there
is now increased competition for our products.
Revising for Order 25 of 70
Empty Sentence Openers
People generally agree our company has a solid market for
its goods, but we also face more competition.
Revising for Order 26 of 70
Some Pointers
Avoid replacing the empty opener with the word exists:
There is an obvious way to handle the problem.
An obvious way exists to handle the problem.
Be careful to not change or distort the meaning:
Handling the problem is obvious.
Revising for Order 27 of 70
Some More Pointers
Remember to remove that or which if used: There are ten activities that are affected by the change. Ten activities that are affected by the change. Don’t change it is when it refers back to a known thing:
Bob spent six hours writing the program, so it is his
property.
Revising for Order 28 of 70
Yet More Pointers
Empty sentence openers can appear in the middle of
sentences as well as the beginnings.
Avoid trying to find or eliminate empty openers while
drafting. Wait until revising (unless you enjoy writer’s
block ;-)
Revising for Order 29 of 70
Pattern for Embedded Phrases
Subject Embedded Phrase Verb/Object
Revising for Order 30 of 70
Embedded Phrases
Engineers, because they inadvertently write in ways that,
all too often, use technical jargon, lengthy noun strings, and
the passive voice, have difficulty communicating with non-
specialists.
Revising for Order 31 of 70
Embedded Phrases
Engineers, because they inadvertently write in ways that,
all too often, use technical jargon, lengthy noun strings, and
the passive voice, have difficulty communicating with non-
specialists.
Revising for Order 32 of 70
Embedded Phrases
Because engineers inadvertently write in ways that often
use technical jargon, lengthy noun strings, and the passive
voice, they have difficulty communicating with non-
specialists.
Revising for Order 33 of 70
Embedded Phrases
This practice, while satisfying the client on whose project
we are working, leads to several of our other clients’ needs
not being met.
Revising for Order 34 of 70
Embedded Phrases
This practice, while satisfying the client on whose project
we are working, leads to several of our other clients’ needs
not being met.
Revising for Order 35 of 70
Embedded Phrases
While satisfying the client on whose project we are working,
this practice leads to several of our other clients’ needs not
being met.
Revising for Order 36 of 70
Embedded Phrases
The bipolar junction transistor, a three terminal solid state
device, which is often referred to simply as "the transistor,"
is widely used in discrete circuits as well as in integrated
circuits, both analog and digital, since the device's
performance is remarkably predictable and quite insensitive
to variations in device parameters.
Revising for Order 37 of 70
Embedded Phrases
The bipolar junction transistor, a three terminal solid state
device, which is often referred to simply as "the transistor,"
is widely used in discrete circuits as well as in integrated
circuits, both analog and digital, since the device's
performance is remarkably predictable and quite insensitive
to variations in device parameters.
Revising for Order 38 of 70
Embedded Phrases
The bipolar junction transition is a three-terminal solid-state
device which is often referred to simply as "the transistor."
As its performance is remarkably predictable and quite
insensitive to variations in device parameters, this
transistor is widely used in discrete and integrated circuits,
both analog and digital.
Revising for Order 39 of 70
Embedded Phrases
For inversion cases, the dispersion models [Figure 3 and
Figure 4 were placed here] do not incorporate mixing
height into E and F stability (e.g., inversion) ambient air
quality predictions.
Revising for Order 40 of 70
Embedded Phrases
For inversion cases, the dispersion models [Figure 3 and
Figure 4 were placed here] do not incorporate mixing
height into E and F stability (e.g., inversion) ambient air
quality predictions.
Revising for Order 41 of 70
Embedded Phrases
[Place Figure 3 and Figure 4 here] For inversion cases, the
dispersion models do not incorporate mixing height into E
and F stability (e.g., inversion) ambient air quality
predictions.
Revising for Order 42 of 70
Some Pointers
The occasional embedded phrase is OK for stylistic
variety, but avoid separating the verb from its subject.
Place the embedded phrase at the beginning or end of
the sentence.
Split long sentences into shorter ones.
Avoid placing references in the middle of sentences and
never place figures in the middle of sentences.
Revising for Order 43 of 70
Pattern for Weak Endings
Subject/Verb/Object Weak Ending
Revising for Order 44 of 70
Weak Endings
The information provided in the report suggesting the
cause of the crash was due to mechanical failure is not
persuasive for the most part.
Revising for Order 45 of 70
Weak Endings
The information provided in the report suggesting the
cause of the crash was due to mechanical failure is not
persuasive for the most part.
Revising for Order 46 of 70
Weak Endings
For the most part, the information provided in the report
suggesting the cause of the crash was due to mechanical
failure is not persuasive.
Revising for Order 47 of 70
Weak Endings
However, I believe that neither a simple model such as the
“high limb schlepp effect” nor the observations made of
contemporary hunter/gatherers is realistic, given the
number of inter-related variables and multiple foraging
episodes that might be present at a site
Revising for Order 48 of 70
Weak Endings
However, I believe that neither a simple model such as the
“high limb schlepp effect” nor the observations made of
contemporary hunter/gatherers is realistic, given the
number of inter-related variables and multiple foraging
episodes that might be present at a site.
Revising for Order 49 of 70
Weak Endings
However, given the number of inter-related variables and
multiple foraging episodes that might be present at a site,
I believe that neither a simple model such as the “high limb
schlepp effect” nor the observations made of contemporary
hunter/gatherers is realistic.
Revising for Order 50 of 70
Weak Endings
The department had made a series of requests in their
letters of 15 February, 20 February, and 27 February 1999.
The departmental requests may be listed as follows:
[Bulleted List Follows]
Revising for Order 51 of 70
Weak Endings
The department had made a series of requests in their
letters of 15 February, 20 February, and 27 February 1999.
The departmental requests may be listed as follows:
[Bulleted List Follows]
Revising for Order 52 of 70
Weak Endings
In their letters of 15, 20, and 27 February 1999, the
department made a series of requests:
[Bulleted List Follows]
Revising for Order 53 of 70
Some Pointers
Look for sentences that trail off rather lamely.
Also look for lengthy qualifiers tagged on at the end of
the sentence.
Avoid small phrases introducing a list when a colon will
suffice.
Revising for Order 54 of 70
Pattern for Passive Voice
To Be + Verb-ed
Revising for Order 55 of 70
Passive Voice
AGENT ACTION GOAL
ACTIVE: Some engineers design bridges.
PASSIVE: Bridges are designed by some engineers.
GOAL ACTION AGENT
Revising for Order 56 of 70
Passive Voice
An explanation of atmospheric stability and a detailed
evaluation of its application to this air quality evaluation is
contained in Appendix A.
Revising for Order 57 of 70
Passive Voice
An explanation of atmospheric stability and a detailed
evaluation of its application to this air quality evaluation is
contained in Appendix A.
Revising for Order 58 of 70
Passive Voice
Appendix A contains an explanation of atmospheric stability
and a detailed evaluation of its application to this air quality
evaluation.
OR
Appendix A explains atmospheric stability and evaluates its
application to this air quality evaluation.
Revising for Order 59 of 70
Passive Voice
The terms of reference for this study have been provided
by the agency.
Revising for Order 60 of 70
Passive Voice
The terms of reference for this study have been provided
by the agency.
Revising for Order 61 of 70
Passive Voice
The agency has provided the terms of reference for this
study.
Revising for Order 62 of 70
Passive Voice
Kirchhoff’s Voltage Law was confirmed by directly
measuring the voltages in the circuit.
Revising for Order 63 of 70
Passive Voice
Kirchhoff’s Voltage Law was confirmed by directly
measuring the voltages in the circuit.
Revising for Order 64 of 70
Passive Voice
We confirmed Kirchhoff’s Voltage Law by directly
measuring the voltages in the circuit.
Revising for Order 65 of 70
Passive Voice
As part of the analysis of roadway improvements, the
review of signal progression along Cambie Street will be
required.
Revising for Order 66 of 70
Passive Voice
As part of the analysis of roadway improvements, the
review of signal progression along Cambie Street will be
required.
Revising for Order 67 of 70
Passive Voice
Analyzing roadway improvements requires reviewing signal
progression along Cambie Street.
Revising for Order 68 of 70
Some Pointers
Uses of Passive Voice Abuses of Passive Voice
Communicating objectivity Creating false objectivity
Changing sentence emphasis Using habitually
Avoiding blaming someone Avoiding responsibility
Omitting unknown agents Obscuring meaning
Revising for Order 69 of 70
This Is Your Brain on Style
There are
It is
Passives
To Be + Ved
Weak Endings
Embedding
Revising for Order 70 of 70
Conclusion
Reflections: Which of the preceding style patterns do
you find in your writing?