Runaway Runaway Caregiver, Caregiver, Runaway Runaway

CongregationCongregationHow to survive and thrive How to survive and thrive

when friends, family and church when friends, family and church avoid and neglect you. avoid and neglect you.

 Rev. Betsy RitzmanLicensed Clinical Professional

CounselorIndividuals ~ Couples ~ Families

Consultation

Email: betsyritz@comcast.net

Website: www.tenditmendit.com

Gentle us,Holy One,into an unclenched moment,a deep breatha letting goof heavy experiences,of shriveling anxieties,of dead uncertainties,open us to the mystery,fill us with the joy that is you.AMEN

Isaiah 53

The Suffering Servant    1Who has believed our message?

         And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?     2 For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot,

         And like a root out of parched ground;         He has no stately form or majesty

         That we should look upon Him,         Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him.

    3 He was despised and forsaken of men,         A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;         And like one from whom men hide their face

         He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.     4 Surely our griefs He Himself bore,

         And our sorrows He carried;         Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,

         Smitten of God, and afflicted.        

     IntroductionsIntroductions

Name?Name? Where are you Where are you

from? from? What is the most What is the most

compelling lesson compelling lesson you have learned you have learned from care giving so from care giving so far? far?

Facing Reality and Facing Reality and Speaking TruthSpeaking Truth

Psychological, Social and Spiritual aspects Psychological, Social and Spiritual aspects of our culture support compassionate of our culture support compassionate responses to human suffering. responses to human suffering.

These same rules of connection also These same rules of connection also undermine undermine compassion. compassion.

This is true among Christians and in the This is true among Christians and in the life of the Church. life of the Church.

We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.of God.

Social myths of autonomySocial myths of autonomy

Culture directs us Culture directs us toward toward independence and independence and separation separation

Culture polarizes Culture polarizes connection and connection and separation separation

Real independence is Real independence is the outcome of a the outcome of a never ending dance never ending dance between connection between connection and disconnection. and disconnection.

Psychological factors: Psychological factors:

Abuse= Failure of Abuse= Failure of CompassionCompassion

Abuse is hurting the feelings or Abuse is hurting the feelings or body of someone else to alter body of someone else to alter some unpleasant feeling within some unpleasant feeling within the self. Because compassion the self. Because compassion regulates unpleasant internal regulates unpleasant internal feelings, all abuse is a failure of feelings, all abuse is a failure of compassion for self and loved compassion for self and loved ones. ones.

Why those who love us hurt Why those who love us hurt us:us:

Relationships serve as Relationships serve as mirrorsmirrors of our of our innerinner selfself. We know who we are by how others . We know who we are by how others see us.see us.

A misbehaving child can evoke feelings of A misbehaving child can evoke feelings of being a failure and thoroughly unlovable as a being a failure and thoroughly unlovable as a parent. parent.

Angry or withdrawn parents can evoke in Angry or withdrawn parents can evoke in children feelings of shame, and unworthiness. children feelings of shame, and unworthiness.

A distracted or controlling spouse can evoke A distracted or controlling spouse can evoke feelings of worthlessness. feelings of worthlessness.

We know who we are by how others see us

RevengeRevenge

The rage and resentment The rage and resentment these feelings of shame, these feelings of shame, rejection, unworthiness rejection, unworthiness stimulate an internal crisisstimulate an internal crisis

They inspire our revenge, They inspire our revenge, not for the behavior of not for the behavior of others but for the wound others but for the wound (to our sense of self) they (to our sense of self) they seem to inflict.seem to inflict.

Reciprocity in relationships:Reciprocity in relationships:

Loving relationships Loving relationships build the sense of build the sense of self, if they provide:self, if they provide:    Unconditional safety and Unconditional safety and

security security High levels of High levels of

compassion compassion Freedom from Freedom from

resentment, hostility, resentment, hostility, abuse, and other abuse, and other emotional constraints. emotional constraints.

If a relationship If a relationship consistently fails consistently fails to do this, it to do this, it loses its ego-loses its ego-building function. building function.

If it falls below If it falls below the threshold of the threshold of safety and safety and security, it security, it becomes ego-becomes ego-destroying. destroying.

Perspective: Perspective: The world is one The world is one

gigantic cross for gigantic cross for people who die at people who die at the hand of the hand of executioners, from executioners, from massive poverty massive poverty and starvation, and starvation, from injustice. This from injustice. This cross casts it’s cross casts it’s shadow over two-shadow over two-thirds of humanitythirds of humanity. .

Unconditional safety and Unconditional safety and security for all parties security for all parties

High levels of compassion High levels of compassion Freedom from resentment, Freedom from resentment,

hostility, abuse, and other hostility, abuse, and other emotional constraints. emotional constraints.

For us, myths of independence For us, myths of independence and autonomy are shattered. and autonomy are shattered. The illusion of separation is The illusion of separation is lost. lost.

We are “the other”.We are “the other”.

a “crucified people” may not always offera “crucified people” may not always offer

Daniel Hernandez Salazar

Fear and superstition in Fear and superstition in SpiritualitySpirituality

Reactions to Reactions to suffering that suffering that impact our faith: impact our faith:

Fear = this might Fear = this might happen to me!happen to me!

Superstition = I can Superstition = I can control whether I control whether I suffersuffer

Lauren’s Birds

Spiritual PeckingSpiritual Pecking Job’s friends: you must Job’s friends: you must

deserve thisdeserve this Prosperity gospel – name it, Prosperity gospel – name it,

claim it. Emphasis on success, claim it. Emphasis on success, Renounce failure/painRenounce failure/pain

Healing traditions that deny Healing traditions that deny suffering and pain on the suffering and pain on the premise that we are already premise that we are already healed, forbidding any open healed, forbidding any open expressions of suffering as expressions of suffering as inviting evil.inviting evil.

Behavioral PeckingBehavioral Pecking

Fear Fear Distance –people Distance –people

as projectsas projects Spiritual: If I avoid Spiritual: If I avoid

death and death and suffering, Ill be suffering, Ill be spared.spared.

CompassionCompassion

The Marriage of Fear and The Marriage of Fear and Hatred:Hatred:

Anger: Anger: Redemptive Redemptive

usesuses Destructive Destructive

usesuses

Control: Control: Defining the Defining the

“Other” ie “Not “Other” ie “Not Me”Me”

Fear and the Golden RuleFear and the Golden Rule Fear has taken the gospel from you: You shall Fear has taken the gospel from you: You shall

love the Lord your God with all you heart and love the Lord your God with all you heart and all your mind and all your strength, and love all your mind and all your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself has become your neighbor as yourself has become ““Do unto others what you would have Do unto others what you would have

them do unto you.”them do unto you.” Or, more bluntly “Do unto others before Or, more bluntly “Do unto others before

they do unto you!”they do unto you!”

How do we find compassion for those How do we find compassion for those who fear us and our suffering? We must who fear us and our suffering? We must resist defining them as “other”resist defining them as “other”

A Neighborhood Story

The Psyche of the Good Samaritan:The Psyche of the Good Samaritan: Building compassionate human response in Building compassionate human response in

your faith community. your faith community.

Identifies with the oppressedIdentifies with the oppressed Capable: noticing, present, Capable: noticing, present,

ableable Observes the spirit of the lawObserves the spirit of the law Compassion: Takes effective Compassion: Takes effective

action action Fearless: Violating cultural Fearless: Violating cultural

demands demands Radical: Violates religious lawRadical: Violates religious law

Managing Stigma and Managing Stigma and Suffering, Maintaining Suffering, Maintaining

CommunityCommunity Suffering is universal Suffering is universal

in every lifein every life Suffering scares Suffering scares

peoplepeople Fear inspires distanceFear inspires distance Being separate from Being separate from

others is transient others is transient Others suffering is Others suffering is

our sufferingour suffering

You will fall

You will be alone and fighting for your existence

You will rejoin the community

You will suffer

You will suffer alone

Yet, the beloved community will suffer with you.

Changing the Rules: Changing the Rules:

True compassion arises naturally True compassion arises naturally when our ego-protecting thoughts lie when our ego-protecting thoughts lie downdown

Pay attention to yourself, open your Pay attention to yourself, open your heart, abandon assumptions about heart, abandon assumptions about yourself and othersyourself and others

First, be compassionate toward your First, be compassionate toward your sweet selfsweet self

Then, listen for GodThen, listen for God

Marks of the Beloved Marks of the Beloved CommunityCommunity

Honoring the connection with those Honoring the connection with those who sufferwho suffer

Willingness to engage transformation Willingness to engage transformation by suffering ourselvesby suffering ourselves

Planting seeds of forgivenessPlanting seeds of forgiveness Harvesting Joy from PainHarvesting Joy from Pain

Consultations…Discussion …Questions… Answers…