sample pages from mmmbeth - theatrefolk

Sample Pages from

Mmmbeth

Welcome! This is copyrighted material for promotional purposes. It's intended to give you a

taste of the script to see whether or not you want to use it in your classroom or perform it.

You can't print this document or use this document for production purposes.

Royalty fees apply to all performances whether or not admission is charged. Any

performance in front of an audience (e.g. an invited dress rehearsal) is considered a

performance for royalty purposes.

Visit http://tfolk.me/p37 to order a printable copy or for rights/royalty information and

pricing.

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MMMbeth

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT BY

Allison Williams

Copyrighted Material for promotional purposes. Do not print or copy. Performances for an audience subjectto royalty regardless of whether or not admission is charged. Visit http://tfolk.me/p37 to order a printablecopy or for rights/royalties pricing.

Copyrighted Material

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Mmmbeth Copyright © 2003 Allison Williams

CAUTION: This play is fully protected under the copyright laws of Canada and all other countries of the Universal Copyright Convention and is subject to royalty. Changes to the script are expressly forbidden without written consent of the author. Rights to produce, film, or record, in whole or in part, in any medium or in any language, by any group amateur or professional, are fully reserved.

Interested persons are requested to apply for amateur rights to:

Theatrefolkwww.theatrefolk.com/licensing

[email protected]

Those interested in professional rights may contact the author c/o the above address.

No part of this script covered by the copyrights hereon may be reproduced or used in any form or by any means - graphic, electronic or mechanical - without the prior written permission of the author. Any request for photocopying, recording, or taping shall be directed in writing to the author at the address above.

Printed in the USA



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MMMBETH 3

Characters MMMBETH: Easily frustrated Thane of Cawdor.

LADY MMMBETH: A gentle housewife… at first.

BANQUO: Mmmbeth’s best friend. Thinks something’s rotten in the State of Scotland.

MACDUFF: Knows something’s rotten in the State of Scotland.

QUEEN DUNCAN: Brilliant, misunderstood, and refuses to die.

HAGGY: The smart witch.

NAGGY: The sly witch.

TWIT: The dumb witch.

HECATE: Big Mama Hecate, head of the witches and a blues queen.

TWO MURDERERS: Eager to help dispose of inconvenient obstacles to the throne, like heirs and suspicious thanes.

SON OF MACDUFF: Played by MACDUFF.

DOCTOR: Played by HAGGY.

GENTLEWOMEN: Played by NAGGY and TWIT.

TWO SOLDIERS: Behind the door when the brains were passed out.

MARATHON RUNNERS: Played by the cast.

Unless specified, all roles may be played by men or women. If Lady Mmmbeth is played in drag, it’s best to use a female Mmmbeth. If it’s necessary to cast Duncan as a male, change Queen to King. Please note that this is designed to be a show with a lot of parts for women.

Recommended doubling/gender for cast of 10 MMMBETH: Either Male or Female

LADY MMMBETH: Female

BANQUO: Either Male or Female

QUEEN DUNCAN: Female

MACDUFF/SON OF MACDUFF: Either Male or Female

HAGGY/DOCTOR: Female

NAGGY/GENTLEWOMAN: Female

TWIT/GENTLEWOMAN: Female

MURDERER 1/SOLDIER 1: Either Male or Female

HECATE/MURDERER 2/SOLDIER 2: Either Male or Female

PlaceShakespeare’s Scotland.

TimeIndefinite.



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Production HistoryAn earlier version of MmmBeth! was presented at the Arkansas State Thespian Festival in Jonesboro, Arkansas, February 22, 2002, by Thespian Troupe 42, El Dorado High School, under the leadership of Delaine Gates. It was directed by Allison Williams; the costumes were designed by the cast and supervised by Whitney Freeman, Andrea Cyphers, and Jessica DeLoach; the props were supervised by Emily Landry, and the sound, music and lights were designed by Will King. The original cast included:

MMMBETH: Jessica DeLoach

LADY MMMBETH: Brandon Hart

BANQUO: Alice Tam

MACDUFF/SON OF MACDUFF: Whitney Freeman

QUEEN DUNCAN: Andrea Cyphers

HAGGY (1st Witch)/DOCTOR: Casey Haynes

TWIT (3rd Witch): Melissa Weaver

NAGGY (2nd Witch)/GENTLEWOMAN: Carrie Lewis

HECATE: Courtney Gibson

MURDERER 1/SOLDIER 1: Sean Reynolds

MURDERER 2/SOLDIER 2: Josh Sinclair

MURDERER 3/MALCOLM: Caleb Baumgardner

MURDERER 4/FARMER/ROSS: J.T. Johnson

PORTER: Jared Shipp

NARRATOR: Emily Landry

Author’s NoteI have now been a part of three productions of the “Scottish Play” and one production of Mmmbeth. And while I am a normal, rational (for an artist) human being, something bad happens to me every time I am involved with the Scottish Play. I have lost my wallet twice (once temporary, once permanent), lost my cool, hated my director, been savagely reviewed, and had major car trouble (every time). While working on this draft of Mmmbeth, I packed the rough draft into my suitcase before a trip and spent the next thirty hours trying to fly to Florida during a dense, airport-closing fog, and once there, trying to meet up with my luggage. So when my students or fellow actors quote from the play, or say the title in a theatre, I do indeed make them leave the room, turn around three times, spit, curse, and ask permission to come back in. Some people make them run around the whole building three times, but hey, I’m not that superstitious.

That said, Mmmbeth is a comedy. Sometimes a goofy comedy, sometimes a black comedy. Don’t be afraid to go there! And remember, it’s not a tragedy, it’s just a series of minor inconveniences.

Enjoy, Allison Williams



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MMMBETH 5

SCENE 1Darkness. An eerie shriek.

HAGGY: When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Spooky lighting fades up.

NAGGY: When the hurly-burly’s done. When the battle’s lost and won.

Less spooky lighting.

TWIT: I think I could do next Tuesday — does that work for you two?

NAGGY: No, Tuesday’s bad for me — I’m taking this great folk-dancing class, wanna come?

TWIT: Ooo! Do you do ‘Gathering Peascods on a May Morning?’

NAGGY: Oh. I thought it was gathering codpieces. No wonder they made me stop.

HAGGY: Would you two shut up! Honestly, the only one who gets any witching done around here is me! (hits NAGGY)

NAGGY: Ow! Sorry. (hits TWIT)

TWIT: Ow! Sorry. (looks around for someone to hit. Hits self ) Ow, sorry.

HAGGY: Now, if we can get back in the mood? Ahem.

Spooky lighting.

HAGGY: (slightly less eerie voice) When shall we three meet again?

NAGGY: (less eerie voice) We shall meet when he is due.

TWIT: (in a trance) The spirits say he comes at two. (normal voice) Well, two-ish, really. You know how those spirits are. Late for everything, all the — (Catches HAGGY’s eye. Hits self.) Ow! Sorry.

HAGGY: Right, then. I want everyone back here at two. Hair ratted, faces pale, fingernails sharpened, and make sure you go before you come. No dashing off to the privy in mid-prophecy this time, hmmm? Ooo, this is going to be a good one. We’ve been waiting for him for a long time!

TWIT: We’re gonna get that Mac —



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ALLISON WILLIAMS6

HAGGY & NAGGY grab TWIT and stifle her. Lights go out. Crashing noises. Chickens.

HAGGY: Don’t say it!

TWIT: What, Mac —

They stifle her again. Someone screams backstage and a body thuds to the floor, cutting off the scream.

HAGGY & NAGGY: Don’t say it!

TWIT: But why can’t we say Mac —

Marathon RUNNERS cross the stage, stampeding over the WITCHES. Last runner comes back, kicks NAGGY and laughs. HAGGY & NAGGY struggle to sit up, on top of TWIT.

RUNNER: Hah-ha!

HAGGY: Look, Twit, everyone knows that if you say the real title of this play, something bad happens!

TWIT: But we’re witches! Powerful! Otherworldly! Spoooooooky!

NAGGY: Some things are even spookier than us.

HAGGY: There are things in the theatre, Twit, undreamt of in your philosophy.

NAGGY: (spooky voice) Don’t whistle in the wings!

HAGGY: (spooky voice) Never wish anyone good luck!

NAGGY: (spooky voice) No smoking in the green room!

HAGGY & NAGGY: (stern) And don’t say the name of this play!

TWIT: (muffled under HAGGY & NAGGY sitting on her) How do we talk to him if we can’t say his name?

HAGGY: Just call him… Mmmbeth. (she ducks)

NAGGY: Mmmbeth?

TWIT: Mmmbeth! Mmmbeth! Mmmbeth! Mmm — (HAGGY & NAGGY hit TWIT) Ow! Sorry.

HAGGY: And all shall now call him Mmmbeth! Now let’s get going! To the battlefield!



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MMMBETH 7

SCENE 2A battlefield. Dead bodies. QUEEN DUNCAN and TWO SOLDIERS surveying the field.

DUNCAN: Well-done, boys! A great victory!

SOLDIER 1: Aw, thanks, Queen Duncan.

DUNCAN: Now we can return home, pass out some honours — I think I’ll make Mmmbeth Thane of Cawdor, he was pretty brave — and get back to ruling Scotland. Long live the Queen! Long live me!

SOLDIER 2: For about another three scenes, Your Majesty.

DUNCAN: What?

SOLDIER 1: Umm, you — well, you aren’t in the whole play.

DUNCAN: Impossible! I am the Ruler of Scotland, Commander of Thanes, Protector of the People, Leader of the Army, Mistress of Justice, Verity and Temperance! I dominate the play from start to finish! Beginning to end! And I have a great idea for a franchise opportunity.

SOLDIER 2: But —

DUNCAN: Isn’t this play about the Queen of Scotland?

SOLDIER 2: Kind of, but you see — your part is more of a supporting role.

DUNCAN: I will support the entire play as Queen of Scotland!

SOLDIER 1: Queen Duncan, you die in Act Two.

DUNCAN: Inconceivable! I have an army to protect me! Get me Fleance!

SOLDIER 1: Runs away, Act Three.

DUNCAN: Banquo!

SOLDIER 2: Murdered, Act Three.

DUNCAN: All my sons!

SOLDIER 1: They sleep through your murder and run away after your death.



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DUNCAN: This is terrible! (to SOLDIER 1) You! Go tell Mmmbeth he’s Thane of Cawdor! (to SOLDIER 2) You! Go tell Macduff to meet me at Mmmbeth’s castle. I’m sure I’ll be safe there!

ALL exit.

SCENE 3WITCHES enter.

HAGGY: Where hast thou been sister?

NAGGY: Killing swine.

TWIT: Eww!

HAGGY: A sailor’s wife had chestnuts in her lap. I asked her very nicely for one, and she said, “Fat hag, go away!” So I’m going to put a little spell on her husband.

NAGGY & TWIT: I know what you can do!

NAGGY: Let’s give him scurvy!

TWIT: Let’s give him a pony! (HAGGY hits TWIT) Ow! Sorry.

HAGGY: No, Twit, let’s just turn him into a frog.

A didgeridoo sounds off.

TWIT: A didgeridoo, A didgeridoo, It doth be noble Mmmbeth’s cue!

MMMBETH and BANQUO enter. WITCHES hide by striking ‘tree’ poses.

MMMBETH: My, what lovely trees!

BANQUO: Are we there yet?

WITCHES: Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

MMMBETH: No! We’re not there yet!

BANQUO: Did you just see what I just saw?

MMMBETH: What are you talking about?

TWIT runs around BANQUO and MMMBETH, yelling like a banshee. WITCHES follow her and do the same.

WITCHES stop and kneel on the ground.

HAGGY: Hail!



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MMMBETH 9

NAGGY: Hail!

TWIT: (looking skyward) Weather looks fine to me!

HAGGY hits TWIT.

TWIT: (remembering cue) Oh! Hail!

HAGGY: All hail Mmmbeth, Hail to thee, Thane of Glamis!

MMMBETH: And then?

NAGGY: All hail Mmmbeth, Hail to thee, Thane of Cawdor!

MMMBETH: And then?

TWIT: All hail Mmmbeth, Hail to thee, Thou shalt be King hereafter.

MMMBETH: And then?

TWIT: You don’t wanna know yet.

WITCHES: Poof!

WITCHES disappear.

BANQUO: Cool! You’re going to be King!

MMMBETH: I better go write a letter to my wife about this — she needs it for a prop in her next scene.

SCENE 4MMMBETH on side writing letter. The WITCHES hover.

TWIT: Why do we have to be here? Isn’t she just going to read a letter?

HAGGY: Watch and learn, Twit.

TWIT: She’s gonna see us!

HAGGY: Don’t make me explain ectomorphic manifestation again.

NAGGY: What? (HAGGY looks sharply at NAGGY, who points at TWIT) She said it! (NAGGY hits TWIT)

TWIT: Ow! Sorry.

LADY MMMBETH enters with letter in hand. She’s wearing a frilly apron and pearls.

LADY MMMBETH: Ooo— a letter from my sweetheart! How dear of him to think of me when he’s so busy slaughtering rebels and



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ALLISON WILLIAMS10

doling out carnage on the battlefield all day. I don’t deserve him, truly, I don’t.

NAGGY: This is what we’ve got to work with?

MMMBETH: Dear love, strange things have happened. Today, while Banquo and I were walking through the forest, these three bearded ladies —

LADY MMMBETH: My, how unusual!

MMMBETH: — magically appeared with the craziest news. According to them, I’m soon to be King.

LADY MMMBETH: Oh, but we couldn’t possibly aspire —

NAGGY: What are we gonna do? She’s so nice! This isn’t The Nice Guy of Scotland and His Lovely Wife, it’s Mmmbeth! Blood! Killing! Witches!

HAGGY: Time for us to do a little witching, girls —

WITCHES: Lady Mmmbeth, it’s time to stop wishin’ And get in touch with your ambition Fenny snake and hamster’s eye Make Queen Duncan die, die, die!

HAGGY: Now let’s try that again!

Reverse action back to LADY MMMBETH entering with the letter again.

LADY MMMBETH: Ooo — a letter from my sweetheart! (abrupt personality shift, very evil) It’s about time!

MMMBETH: Dear love, strange things have happened. Today while Banquo and I were walking through the forest, these three bearded ladies —

LADY MMMBETH: Drag queens, honey — they were drag queens.

MMMBETH: — magically appeared with the craziest news. According to them, I’m soon to be King. I was like, “Yeah, right. That’d be nice… ”

LADY MMMBETH: Mmmm… Queen Lady Mmmbeth. I like that. It’s so — regal. (switches to nice personality) I’d have to redo the dining room to seat more than thirty-eight, though.



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MMMBETH 11

MMMBETH: I do have one question though. How did they know I was Thane of Cawdor? I haven’t even told you yet. Oh yeah — I’m Thane of Cawdor.

LADY MMMBETH: Thane of Cawdor! How nice! (evil personality) But not as nice as King and Queen of Scotland.

MMMBETH: I’ll be bringing Queen Duncan back to the castle, so let’s plan something fun, OK?

LADY MMMBETH: (nice personality — from here, they start to overlap) Oh, I love throwing parties! Let’s see, clean the castle, plan the murder of Queen Duncan, and bag the royal titles for ourselves. I wonder if a Jell-O mold would be too formal?

MMMBETH: Your dearest pumpkiny-wumpkiny, Mmmbeth.

LADY MMMBETH: Awww. (folds the letter) How exciting! Come you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here! Come to my woman’s breasts and take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers! Oooo! Witches, Thane of Cawdor, King — what will I wear? (she exits)

SCENE 5Enter TWO SOLDIERS. SOLDIER 1 is wearing a giant novelty cowboy hat. SOLDIER 2 is in WWII (or contemporary) military gear.

SOLDIER 1: What are you wearing?

SOLDIER 2: What’re YOU wearing?

SOLDIER 1: At least I’m closer to the time period than you are.

SOLDIER 2: I didn’t know Styrofoam had a time period.

Enter QUEEN DUNCAN, BANQUO, and MACDUFF. SOLDIERS stand straight.

QUEEN DUNCAN: Why, hello boys. Nice to see you today.

SOLDIERS: Hi Queen Duncan.

QUEEN DUNCAN: You sure look… historical. (looks around) This castle hath a pleasant seat.

MACDUFF: I don’t know, it seems kind of damp and spooky to me.

Enter LADY MMMBETH with a sign that says “Welcome Queen!” While struggling with the sign, she drops a big knife and kicks it into the wings to hide it.



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QUEEN DUNCAN: See, see, our honour’d hostess!

LADY MMMBETH: (sets down sign) All our service is at your service. Cocktails are at three on the fiesta deck, there will be a scavenger hunt tonight in the lounge, you’ll have your own valet, and the murderers will be arriving at two.

QUEEN DUNCAN & SOLDIERS & MACDUFF: What?

LADY MMMBETH: I mean, how was your trip, darling?

QUEEN DUNCAN: Oh, it was long, but worth it. Have you met Macduff? He’s the Thane of Fife, you know.

LADY MMMBETH: Charmed, I’m sure.

QUEEN DUNCAN: And of course you already know Banquo.

LADY MMMBETH: Yes, yes.

QUEEN DUNCAN: I have a wonderful idea — it came to me during the battle! Wanna hear?

LADY MMMBETH: Sure.

QUEEN DUNCAN: Queen Duncan Donuts!

LADY MMMBETH: Donuts?

QUEEN DUNCAN: YES! It’ll make millions! You could be a partner.

LADY MMMBETH: I’ll think about it.

QUEEN DUNCAN: Well, I’m ready for a nap. It’s exhausting being so brilliant.

LADY MMMBETH: How tall are you?

QUEEN DUNCAN: About five six, why? (use the actor’s real height)

LADY MMMBETH: Would you prefer a wood grain finish or a mahogany veneer with purple velvet lining?

QUEEN DUNCAN: What?

LADY MMMBETH: Oh, nothing. Let’s eat!

DUNCAN and LADY MMMBETH exit.

MACDUFF: Methinks something is rotten in the state of Scotland.

SOLDIER 1: Um, wrong play!



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MMMBETH 13

MACDUFF turns, notices SOLDIERS.

MACDUFF: Ah yes. Private Romeo, I presume? And no doubt it’s Juliet under that charming chapeau?

BANQUO: (to MACDUFF) He does have a point.

MACDUFF: (draws sword) Do I have to kill someone to get a good exit line around here?

SOLDIER 1: No, no, carry on.

BANQUO: Touchy, touchy!

SOLDIER 2: I thought the line was great.

MACDUFF: Brown-noser!

MACDUFF exits.

BANQUO: Think not on him ‘til tomorrow!

BANQUO exits. SOLDIERS shrug.

SOLDIER 1: Goodnight, sweet prince!

SOLDIER 2: Exit pursued by a bear!

SOLDIERS exit.

SCENE 6The WITCHES enter and hover around. They whip out the Magic 8-Ball and shake it.

HAGGY: Round about the 8-Ball go Is it yes or is it no?

NAGGY: Use our powers to deeply scry Tell us when Queen Duncan dies!

TWIT: Tail of turgid alligator The 8-Ball tells us — (flips it over) Sorry, try again later.

The other witches hit TWIT.

TWIT: Ow! I’m just saying what it — (other witches hit TWIT) I can only read the — (other witches hit TWIT) Ow! Sorry.

NAGGY: Shhh! Here they come!

MMMBETH calls from offstage.Copyrighted Material for promotional purposes. Do not print or copy. Performances for an audience subjectto royalty regardless of whether or not admission is charged. Visit http://tfolk.me/p37 to order a printablecopy or for rights/royalties pricing.


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ALLISON WILLIAMS14

MMMBETH: Honey! I’m home!

MMMBETH and LADY MMMBETH enter and run to each other’s arms.

LADY MMMBETH: Is this a dagger I see before me?

MMMBETH: No, I’m just happy to see you. Isn’t it great having Queen Duncan for a sleepover!

LADY MMMBETH: It’s fabulous! We can have the murder and the coronation in the same place!

MMMBETH: Murder? Coronation?

LADY MMMBETH: You know! The witches said you’d be King! Which would make me Queen. Mmmmm… Queen Lady Mmmbeth. Ahhhhhhh. (briskly) No time like the present!

MMMBETH: Honey, I’m sure I’ll be King sooner or later. Queen Duncan probably only has another 40 or 50 years left.

LADY MMMBETH: I am not waiting 50 years! I want that crown while I’m still young enough to seduce the footmen!

MMMBETH: But we can’t kill Queen Duncan! She’s nice!

LADY MMMBETH: Oh, too bad.

MMMBETH: What?

LADY MMMBETH: I thought I was married to a real man. Not some wussy little girl.

MMMBETH: Hey!

LADY MMMBETH: I want the lifeguard, not the ninety-pound weakling!

MMMBETH: But I’m —

LADY MMMBETH: I want a real man! (to audience member) Hey, handsome. Have you ever wanted to rule Scotland? Do you own a double-edged dagger? You and me could really go places, if you know what I mean…

MMMBETH: Stop it! All right, all right! I’ll kill Duncan so you can be the Queen!

LADY MMMBETH: That’s my little Macky-Wacky. Screw your courage to the sticking place and let’s go get started on the plan.



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MMMBETH 15

They exit, LADY MMMBETH mouths “call me” to the audience member.

SCENE 7

TWIT: (still holding the Magic 8-Ball) It’s doing something funny!

HAGGY: Did you touch it?

TWIT: (still holding it) Ummm… no.

NAGGY: It’s because I didn’t buy the upgrade. Every now and then it gets a pop-up ad.

HAGGY: We’re getting commercials on the Magic 8-Ball?

NAGGY: Did you pony up the nine-ninety-five to upgrade? I don’t think so!

TWIT: Guys? Guys! It’s taking over! It’s making me — (big announcer voice) And now, a word from our sponsors.

HAGGY & NAGGY take up commercial positions.

HAGGY: Getting the crown.

Enter MMMBETH, down right.

MMMBETH: Five murders.

NAGGY: Keeping the crown.

Enter LADY MMMBETH, down right.

LADY MMMBETH: Ten sleepless nights.

HAGGY: Ruling Scotland.

MMMBETH & LADY MMMBETH: Priceless.

TWIT: Some things in life are priceless… For everything else, there’s murder. And now, back to our regularly scheduled prophecy. (ALL exit. TWIT snaps back to herself ) Whoa…

HAGGY comes back, grabs TWIT, and takes her off.

SCENE 8MACDUFF and LADY MMMBETH enter.

MACDUFF: This is a lovely castle.



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LADY MMMBETH: (who is getting crazier) Why, thank you! When we bought it, it was crumbling Gothic, but we’ve updated the façade to Victorian with a modern twist. Here’s the wrap-around porch — in June, we bring the swings out, and Mmmbeth puts up the flower boxes. It’s so pleasant. We used to have a dog who sat on the porch with us. Angus. His name was Angus. He fell off the porch one day and died — or maybe he died because he fell off the porch? We buried him, right underneath the deck, but somebody dug him up.

MACDUFF: How terrible.

TWIT walks through with ‘dead’ stuffed dog.

LADY MMMBETH: We never found out who.

MACDUFF: That’s so sad. Now, what did you mean by, “the murderers will be arriving at two?”

LADY MMMBETH: Oh, uh — that’s the family that lives next door! Bob and Sue Murderer. Great friends, good neighbours.

Behind them, DUNCAN, screaming, is chased by MURDERER 1 with dagger.

MACDUFF: What was that?

LADY MMMBETH: Nothing! That was just my dog. Wanna see my leg?

She distracts MACDUFF by raising her skirt just a little. Behind them, DUNCAN, still screaming, is chased by MURDERER 2 with a sword. MURDERER 1 follows with an ax or sledgehammer.


LADY MMMBETH: Nothing! That wasn’t a murderer, that was, um, my ostrich. Wanna see me dance?

She distracts MACDUFF by doing a little dance. Behind them, DUNCAN, once again screaming, is chased by MMMBETH with a chainsaw. MURDERER 1 is also in pursuit. MURDERER 2 runs back on, realizes he’s headed the wrong way, and re-exits.


LADY MMMBETH: That wasn’t my husband killing the Queen, that was —



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MMMBETH 17

DUNCAN: (offstage) My part’s not over yet! I don’t wanna die this early in the play!

Sounds of saw, DUNCAN screaming.

MACDUFF: Hey, that sounded like a chainsaw, cutting through bone and muscle and tendons… that sounds like something I want to see!

LADY MMMBETH: Oh, Help me hence, ho!

LADY MMMBETH faints. MACDUFF tries to carry LADY MMMBETH offstage. It’s a losing battle. Enter MMMBETH, carrying a bloody leg.

MMMBETH: Macduff! What a pleasant surprise! (holds out the bloody leg, sees it, tosses leg aside, sticks out hand instead) The Queen’s… asleep. Why don’t you go wake her?

MACDUFF: Yeah, I’ll do that. I’ll put a girdle round about the room in forty minutes.

LADY MMMBETH: It shouldn’t take that long; she’s a light sleeper.

MACDUFF: I go to wive it wealthily in Padua!

MMMBETH: Oh, you’ll love Padua this time of year — the sun, the sand —

MACDUFF: Can I please make a snappy exit!

MMMBETH: Oh, sorry.

LADY MMMBETH: Sure, don’t mind us.

MACDUFF: (posing) Parting is such sweet sorrow! (exits)

MMMBETH: He doesn’t know the half of it.

Enter BANQUO.

BANQUO: What’s going on? How come everyone’s awake?

LADY MMMBETH and MMMBETH speak the following two speeches simultaneously. The underlined parts are in unison.

LADY MMMBETH: I was just going to the bathroom and as I was walking down the hall I realized I’d forgotten to put my nighty on and so there I was prancing around in the altogether and this castle gets pretty drafty let me tell you so I whipped into the nearest bedroom I could find and who should I see but my



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ALLISON WILLIAMS18

husband, enjoying a midnight snack! So we were just heading down to the kitchen to get some horseradish and then we met Macduff in the hall and I guess we made some noise — so sorry to wake you.

MMMBETH: I heard this noise so I got out of bed and as I was walking down the hall I realized I was pretty hungry, I mean guarding the Queen all night and you work up kind of an appetite. So I grabbed a plate and some beef and whipped into the nearest bedroom I could find and who should I see but my wife, totally nude! So I grabbed some sheets and made her a toga and she said what we need is horseradish and then I heard you in the hall, Banquo, but it’s really nothing — so sorry to wake you.

BANQUO: (stunned) Oh. Okay, well I guess I’ll just go back to —

MACDUFF enters.

MACDUFF: O horror! Horror! Horror! Tongue nor heart cannot conceive nor name thee! O Banquo, Banquo, our royal master’s murder’d!

LADY MMMBETH: What, in our house? How tacky!

MMMBETH: Oh, no!

MMMBETH runs off. Two offstage screams. MMMBETH runs on.

MMMBETH: Oh, heck! I just accidentally killed the guards!

MACDUFF: Wherefore did you so?

MMMBETH: Who can be wise, amazed, temperate and furious Loyal and neutral, in a moment So I was bloody luxurious and avaricious, and all of a sudden I was killing again!

LADY MMMBETH: Besides, we didn’t want any witnesses. (ALL look at LADY MMMBETH) Oops! Help me hence, ho!

LADY MMMBETH faints again. BANQUO and MACDUFF indicate ‘I’m not picking her up’ and leave her there. MMMBETH fusses over LADY MMMBETH. BANQUO and MACDUFF step forward.

BANQUO: He hast it now: King, Cawdor, Glamis, all, As the witches promised. But I have a feeling that something’s rotten in the state of Scotland.



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MMMBETH 19

MACDUFF: Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Used that one! Used it already! Now you find something to exit on, funny boy! I’m going back to Fife!

MACDUFF exits.

BANQUO: Yeah? Well — this town ain’t big enough for the both of us! (to MMMBETH) And I’ve got my eye on you, too! (BANQUO exits.)

LADY MMMBETH: (Getting up from her faint) Ohh — where am I? Who are you? (sees no one else is around, and whips out list) All right. Three down, just a few more to go! Can you kill Banquo before the banquet tonight?

MMMBETH: But I already killed Queen Duncan! And those two guards!

LADY MMMBETH: Look, do you want to be King or don’t you?

MMMBETH: I don’t know…

LADY MMMBETH: (really evil) Well, I want to be Queen! So grab your dagger, tighten your kilt, and let’s get going!

SCENE 9WITCHES enter with Magic 8-Ball.

HAGGY: Double, double, toil and trouble.

NAGGY: Mysterious dark blue liquid, bubble! (HAGGY looks at NAGGY) Well, it is.

HAGGY: Show us now the fatal night Where Banquo’s soul must take its flight!

TWIT: It’s doing it again! It’s doing it again!

HAGGY: Nine-ninety-five. That’s all it would have taken!

NAGGY: Then you should have bought the upgrade!

TWIT: (announcer voice) We’ll be right back after this message.

Enter MURDERER 1 on a diagonal, MURDERER 2 sits listlessly on the ground.

HAGGY: Carlos doesn’t laugh and play like the other murderers. He lives in a tiny village, where he lacks food, education, and even basic medical care.

NAGGY: Despite what you see on the evening news, there aren’t enough bloodthirsty rulers, power-hungry thanes, or ruthless



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ALLISON WILLIAMS20

mercenaries to provide shelter and clothing for all the world’s murderers.

MURDERER 1: Here at Save the Murderers, we believe that no killer should be left behind. Every criminal is entitled to basic human needs, and should be given opportunities to develop new skills.

NAGGY: For just pennies a day, you can provide Carlos — or a murderer just like him — with a dagger, poison capsules, night vision goggles, and a ninja suit.

HAGGY: Your donation — less than the cost of a first-class letter — will send your murderer to an advanced assassin’s training program.

MURDERER 1: We even provide the murderers with opportunities to practice their new skills. Skills that will feed them for a lifetime.

TWIT enters as VICTIM.

VICTIM: Thanks to Save the Murderers, I get three meals a day, a comfortable barracks to sleep in, and can participate in company – sponsored watersports. I also…

MURDERER 2 kills VICTIM, who screams in agony and dies.

HAGGY: Call us toll free at 1-800-S-T-A-B-Y-O-U. Your tax-free donation of just fifteen dollars a month will go directly to help murderers like Carlos. You’ll receive a picture of your murderer, and a monthly letter that tells how your murderer is benefiting from your sponsorship.

MURDERER 1: So call now. It takes so little to do so much.

MURDERER 2: Don’t all murderers deserve to dream?

WITCHES and BOTH MURDERERS: Save the Murderers. We kill because we care.

ALL exit.

SCENE 10MMMBETH and BANQUO enter.

MMMBETH: Tonight we hold a solemn supper, sir And I’ll request your presence.

BANQUO: Ummm — I kind of have plans. I mean, I was going to try and escape with my life on a fast horse and —



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MMMBETH 21

MMMBETH: My wife makes a mean pot roast!

BANQUO: Mmmm… pot roast. Okay!

MMMBETH: It is concluded. Banquo, thy soul’s flight If it find heaven, must find it out tonight!

BANQUO: What?

MMMBETH: Oh, nothing. Look up there! (MMMBETH exits)

BANQUO: (looks at sky) I wonder if it’ll rain tonight.

MURDERERS enter.

MURDERER 1: Let it come down!

BANQUO: Oh run good Fleance, run! O I am slain!

MURDERER 2: Fleance? Who’s Fleance?

BANQUO: He’s my son. We didn’t cast anyone to play him because all he does is run away.

MURDERER 1: Not much of a son.

BANQUO: Can we please just continue with the murder?

MURDERERS 1 and 2 try to kill BANQUO but end up stabbing each other. BANQUO is puzzled. LADY MMMBETH enters in an apron with a big plate of cookies. She is also wearing a “Cookie-gram” delivery hat low on her head.

LADY MMMBETH: (in a disguised voice) Are you Banquo?

BANQUO: Yeah.

LADY MMMBETH: Cookie-gram! Sign here.

BANQUO: Oh, goodie! Who’s it from?

LADY MMMBETH: Mmmbeth!

LADY MMMBETH pulls out a big knife-shaped cookie and stabs BANQUO. BANQUO stumbles and dies. LADY MMMBETH gets blood all over her frilly apron.

LADY MMMBETH: You just can’t get good help these days.

The BODIES exit. LADY MMMBETH removes the hat.



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LADY MMMBETH: Hmmm. Queen Duncan murdered, Banquo dead. What do you know! That was my whole list today!

SCENE 11Fanfare music. LADY MMMBETH, her frilly apron now bloodstained, fusses as a table is brought in.

LADY MMMBETH: Just put it there, dear. Oh, I love a good party! (MMMBETH enters, followed by ALL) Welcome everyone, to Dunsinane Castle! And as King Mmmbeth always says, it may be a cold, drafty, spooky pile of rocks on a desolate coast, but we just call it home!

MMMBETH and LADY MMMBETH take seats at opposite ends of the table. DUNCAN, WITCHES, MURDERERS take places at the table. ALL make small talk.

LADY MMMBETH: (to MURDERERS) Oh, so nice to have you all here. Have you tried the cheese log? Those are slivered almonds on it!

HAGGY: (to NAGGY) Have you seen the cheese log? And they call us weird sisters? There’s melon cubes with frilly toothpicks in them!

MMMBETH: Friends, Witches, Murderers! Lend me your ears!

TWIT: (tries to pull off ear) Ow!

Other WITCHES look embarrassed. HAGGY hits TWIT.

TWIT: Sorry.

MMMBETH: Thank you for joining us this evening for the first day of my reign over Scotland. A toast. (ALL raise cups) To the future of the Mmmbeth dynasty!

ALL: To the Mmmbeth dynasty!

QUEEN DUNCAN: Long live the Mmmbeth dynasty!

MURDERER 2: Hey, she’s supposed to be dead!

QUEEN DUNCAN: Oh, fine. (she falls dead)

MMMBETH: Now, during my reign, I’d like to start a new program of preserving the environment. Have any of you seen the state of Birnham Wood lately? People are cutting down trees at a horrendous rate. Let me get my pie charts —



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MMMBETH 23

BANQUO enters as a ghost. Only MMMBETH can see BANQUO.

BANQUO: Mmmbeth! I am so disappointed in you! I mean, my best friend! After all those years we spent at school together, giving swirlies to the younger thanes, camping out in Birnham Wood — hey, remember that time we told Macduff there was a snake on top of his sleeping bag and we’d go get the teacher and he stayed there without moving for two hours until we finally came back? Man, good times. (back to the point) And now you murder me? What a backstabber!

MMMBETH: Augh! Shut up! (to ALL) Which one of you hath done this?

ALL: What? What are you talking about? (etc)

BANQUO sorrowfully shakes his head.

BANQUO: And now you’re having a party without me, too!

MMMBETH: Thou canst not say I did it: never shake thy gory locks at me!

MURDERER 2: King’s going crazy. Let’s split.

LADY MMMBETH: Sit, worthy friends — he’s been a borderline schizophrenic since childhood. Regard it not. (to MURDERER 2) Get the Prozac blowdarts! (pulls MMMBETH aside) Are you a man?

MMMBETH: What kind of question is that?! How can you keep a straight face when there’s a dead body dancing right there?

BANQUO disappears and music dies out.

MMMBETH: I swear Banquo was right there! And he was pointing, and laughing, and saying I murdered… (notices everyone looking at him) But he wasn’t because he’s not here. He’s perfectly well and riding through the forest with Fleance. He and Fleance are both somewhere far away. Maybe they’re on a beach, sipping drinks with umbrellas in them! Yes. They are. Heh heh.

BANQUO enters again.

MMMBETH: Avaunt! And quit my sight! Hence unreal mockery! Hence!

BANQUO sticks out tongue and leaves.

MMMBETH: Augh! I’m going crazy!



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LADY MMMBETH: (to ALL, making them leave) All right, so nice to have you, we must do this again sometime, I’ll send you the recipe for the haggis, ta-ta, it’s been delightful, next time we’ll all get together at your castle. I can’t wait to see what you’ve done with the place!

ALL but MMMBETH and LADY MMMBETH exit. DUNCAN is still lying on the floor.

LADY MMMBETH: Ahem! Don’t you have a pyramid scheme to be setting up somewhere?

QUEEN DUNCAN: Oh, yeah! (gets up and leaves) Now, the franchises are going to cost ten thousand up front, that’s for using my name, and…

MMMBETH takes LADY MMMBETH’s hand and leads her to sit together.

MMMBETH: Honey, I did something terrible. I had my best friend Banquo murdered.

LADY MMMBETH: I know, I stabbed him with a big cookie knife! But you didn’t have to ruin the party! We were going to play charades and have cocktails.

MMMBETH: This always happens, doesn’t it? All our friends come over and I see some bloody apparition and ruin everything.

LADY MMMBETH: And I worked so hard on those canapés, too. There were pigs in blankets, did you get one?

MMMBETH: Was there spicy mustard to dip them in?

LADY MMMBETH nods sadly. MMMBETH stands and girds his loins for action.

I will avenge your spoiled dinner party or my name isn’t Mmmbeth! I’ll to the three weird sisters. More shall they speak, for now I am bent to know, by the worst means, the worst. Those witches are some smart chicks.

LADY MMMBETH exits, MMMBETH crosses as WITCHES appear.



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MMMBETH 25

SCENE 12WITCHES appear in sexy poses.

HAGGY: Hey sailor…

NAGGY: Looking for us?

HAGGY: We knew you’d be coming around

TWIT: We asked the Magic 8-Ball!

HAGGY: (hits TWIT) Can’t you keep a secret!?

TWIT: Ow! Sorry.

MMMBETH: All right, ladies — it’s time to lay it on the line. I’ve killed Duncan. I’ve killed Banquo. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m seeing ghosts, and my party was a flop. What’s in this for me?

HAGGY: Do you really want to know?

TWIT: Why else would he come here? (WITCHES look at her, she hits herself ) Ow! Sorry.

NAGGY: You’ve worn out your welcome here, big boy. You gotta ask Big Mama Hecate.

MMMBETH: Big who?

HAGGY: Big Mama Hecate’s the head witch around here.

TWIT: She’s not usually in the play ‘cause her scene’s kind of confusing, and Shakespeare probably didn’t even write that part!

HAGGY: Twit! Don’t make me get the spoon. (calling dramatically) Big Mama Hecate!

HECATE enters, a big, beautiful blues queen in full club regalia.

HECATE: Did somebody call my name?

WITCHES & HECATE: (à la Aretha Franklin) Oooo – You killed the king The crown you get it And now you’re sad You’re gonna regret it And all because of Just a little killing

WITCHES: Just a little bit



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HECATE: Killing

WITCHES: Just a little bit

HECATE & WITCHES: K-I-L-L-I-N-G Just like in the prophecy King of Scotland on the throne Now you’re sad, you’re all alone Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab (16 times) Killing Ooooooh!

HECATE: Listen up and listen good, Mmmbeth. We got three powerful warnings for you. One —

HAGGY: Watch out for Macduff!

MMMBETH: But he’s my friend!

HAGGY: Hey, it’s your funeral.

HECATE: Two —

NAGGY: None of woman born shall harm Mmmbeth!

MMMBETH: What the heck does that mean?

NAGGY: We just dish it out, baby — interpretation is up to you.

TWIT (chirpy voice) : You’re smart, you’ll figure it out! I mean, (spooky voice) Ooo…

HECATE: Three —

TWIT: Ain’t nothing can beat you until the trees of Birnham Wood come marching up to your front door!

MMMBETH: Well, obviously that’s impossible! I’m set for life! OK, OK, just one more thing —

HECATE: You got your three prophecies, baby. Don’t get greedy.

MMMBETH: Oh, come on, just one more little prophecy? Pretty please?

HECATE: Are you sure you wanna know?

MMMBETH: Tell me, tell me, tell me!



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MMMBETH 27

HECATE: Mmmmbeth, I got some bad news for you, child — all that killing? You did it all for nothin’. You gonna be the King, sure, but you gonna get killed, you gonna get de-throned, you not even gonna have any babies to inherit.

MMMBETH: No kids? No little Prince Mmmbeth?

HECATE: We’re witches, baby — just cause you get what you want don’t mean you gonna want what you get. Come on girls.

WITCHES and HECATE exit singing.

MMMBETH: Watch out for Macduff, none of woman born shall harm me; I’m safe until Birnham wood comes to my house? Maybe it’s some kind of metaphor about my urban planning program? Augh! I don’t get it! Well, at least I can control one thing, right? I can just get rid of Macduff! Yeah, that’s it! Murderers! I’ve got another job for you! Double pay! With overtime! And a great 401(k) plan! (Canadian productions may substitute “RRSP” for 401 (k).)

MMMBETH exits.

SCENE 13A baby starts crying offstage.

HAGGY: Now we’ve got Mmmbeth in deep ‘Round his heart the evil creeps

NAGGY: Off he goes to kill Macduff Another murder, not enough!

TWIT: Stabbing, killing, hacking, maybe Do I have to watch him kill the baby?

HAGGY: Eh, I never liked that part, either. Grow up, kid!

Baby crying stops. Enter SON OF MACDUFF, played by the same actor as MACDUFF, wearing a backwards baseball hat and carrying a female wig.

SON: Mom! Mom! Hey mom! Where’s my freakin’ dinner?! And it better not be haggis again! Or that weird sausage stuff you keep telling me is “traditional.”

Enter MURDERERS carrying frying pans.

MURDERER 1: I’m tellin’ you man, Mac said Castle Fife!

MURDERER 2: I thought it was Castle Knife.

MURDERER 1: No, dingus, the knife is what we stab him with!



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MURDERER 2: Then why do we have frying pans?

MURDERER 1: I think it’s an Elizabethan thing.

SON: Who are these idiots? Hey! Who are you?

MURDERER 2: Hey, Macduff. You’re not supposed to be here!

SON: I’m not Macduff! I’m Macduff Junior! The Son of Macduff!

MURDERER 1: Are you sure? You look an awful lot like Macduff.

SON: See this cap? This cap is backwards. Son of Macduff!

MURDERER 2: OK, so where’s your mother?

SON: (Holds up wig) She’ll be here in a minute.

MURDERER 1: Are you sure you want us to kill you?

SON: Yeah, come on! How bad can it be? I mean, look at you guys! Was this the best Mmmbeth could get? What, there was a sale on murderers at Wal-Mart?

MURDERER 2: What?! You egg! The young fry of treachery!

MURDERER 1 holds SON while MURDERER 2 bashes SON in the head with a frying pan. SON dies. MURDERER 1 grabs the wig, pulls up SON.

MURDERER 1: OK, time for the Death of Lady Macduff.

SON: Oh, no, I ain’t doin’ that again, B. That broke my skriznef for real, yo.

MURDERER 1: What are you talking about?

SON: You know, that dranged on my sheestraw.

MURDERER 1: What?

SON: That hurts!

MURDERER 2: Don’t break character, you idiot!… Aww fish sticks!

SON: I’m outta here. (He exits)

MURDERER 2: No, wait, we need a Lady Macduff! Man! I don’t believe this! Hey… ! (goes into audience, sets wig on VOLUNTEER — pick a happy looking mom-aged lady close to the aisle. Old enough to play along and not upstage you, young enough to fall on the floor.) Let’s welcome Lady Macduff! (leads round of applause)



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