BROAD CITY

"A Smaller Pig"

written by

Matthew Norman Kennedy

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SERIES TITLE

"Episode Title"

CAST

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ii.

SERIES TITLE

"Episode Title"

SETS

Teaser, Scene A - Scene Heading

Act One, Scene B - Scene Heading

Act Two, Scene C - Scene Heading

Tag, Scene D - Scene Heading

iii.

COLD OPEN

INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT(ABBI, ILANA, BEVERS)

ABBI IS MAKING BREAKFAST, AND SEEMS HAPPIER THAN USUAL. SHE WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR AND GRABS THE MAIL. WITHIN THE ENVELOPES IS PACKAGE WITH A ENVELOPE TAPED TOO SECURELY, LABELED “FROM MOM & DAD”. SHE OPENS IT. THE CARD READS:

“Happy Birthday to our special girl!

35 already?! Love Mom & Dad”

ABBI SMILES AT THE CARD.

ABBI(to self)

25. I’m 25.

ABBI OPENS THE PRESENT THAT THE CARD WAS ATTACHED TO. IT’S A PAIR OF REEBOKS.

ABBI (CONT’D)

I needed these.

SHE PUTS THEM ON. ABBI OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR AND PULLS OUT A CAKE FROM A GROCERY STORE BAKERY. INSCRIBED IN THE CAKE IS:

“Happy Birthday to Name!”

BEVERS COMES OUT FROM HIS ROOM, AND NOTICES THE CAKE.

BEVERS

Oh, cake!

BEVERS WALKS OVER TO THE CAKE, AND OPENS THE BOX WHILE ABBI IS TURNED AWAY.

BEVERS (CONT’D)

Who’s birthday is it?

ABBI

It’s my birthday. I turned 25 today.

Me and Ilana are cele--

SHE TURNS AROUND TO FIND BEVERS ON WHAT APPEARS TO BE HIS SECOND SLICE OF CAKE.

ABBI (CONT’D)

Goddammit, Bevers! That was for me and

Ilana! And are you eating a second

slice?!

BEVERS

I have a high metabolism.

ABBI

Metabolism doesn’t mean you eat

faster.

BEVERS

I never called myself a man of

science.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

ILANA (O.S.)

Open up!

ABBI OPENS THE DOOR.

ILANA (CONT’D)

Happy Birthday!

A SMALL PIG RUNS INTO THE APARTMENT FROM BETWEEN ILANA’S LEGS.

ABBI

What the hell is that?!

ILANA OPENS HER ARMS WIDE, AS IF TO PRESENT.

ILANA

It’s a mini pig!

ABBI

That pig’s not mini!

"Epidode Title" 2.

THE PIG RUNS INTO A STOOL AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND KNOCKS IT OVER. (OR SOMETHING DESTRUCTIVE)

ILANA

I will agree that it’s not as mini as

I would have hoped, but it was the

smallest they had.

ABBI

Who’s they, Ilana?

CUT TO:

EXT. PIG FARM(ILANA, FARMER)

ILANA AND A FARMER ARE WATCHING PIGS RUN AROUND A PEN.

FARMER

Well we don’t have any mini pigs per

se, but we do have that runt out

there.

HE POINTS THE RUNT OUT TO ILANA. THE PIG DOESN’T SEEM TO HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

FARMER (CONT’D)

Smallest of the bunch.

PIG FALLS INTO A MUD-PUDDLE. ILANA LAUGHS, WHILE FARMEDOESN’T.

FARMER (CONT’D)

Hardest to sell. You can have it.

CUT TO:

INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS(ABBI, ILANA)

ABBI

So it’s not a mini pig at all. It’s

just a smaller pig.

"Epidode Title" 3.

ILANA

Awesome, right? It’s even more rare

than a mini pig.(beat)

I wish I had a smaller pig.

ABBI

Take this one then! I don’t want some

local farm’s charity case.

ILANA

Abbi, you can’t just re-gift your pig

to me.

ABBI

Where did you even get this?

ILANA

Staten Island.

ABBI

You can get pigs on Staten Island?

ILANA

You can get anything on Staten Island.

CUT TO:

EXT. PIG FARM - CONTINUOUS(ILANA, FARMER)

ILANA TURNS TO THE FARMER.

ILANA

Do you have anything for like...

ILANA RUFFLES THROUGH HER PURSE, AND PULLS OUT A FIVE DOLLAR BILL.

ILANA (CONT’D)

...a crisp fiver?

"Epidode Title" 4.

FARMER

I got this rusty handgun.

FARMER PULLS OUT GUN.

ILANA

Ooo!

END OF COLD OPEN

EXT. ABBI’S APARTMENT(ILANA, ABBI)

ABBI STORMS OUT THE FRONT DOOR OF HER BUILDING, THE PIG RUNNING AHEAD OF HER ON LEASH. ILANA RUNS OUT SECONDS LATER, BEHIND HER.

ILANA

Where are you going?

ABBI

I’m taking this pig back to Staten

Island! Alone!

PIG OINKS.

ILANA

Do you even know how to get there?

ABBI

I’ll figure it out!

ABBI, ILANA AND THE PIG REACH THE END OF THE BLOCK. ABBI AND THE PIG LOOK IN BOTH DIRECTION, WHILE ILANA WATCHES ABBI A FEW FEET BEHIND.

ABBI (CONT’D)

Wait, which train goes to the ferry?

ILANA

See?! You need me!

"Epidode Title" 5.

ABBI

If you just tell me which one, I can

go myself.

ILANA

But what if you get into trouble? You

don’t know your way around Staten

Island.

ILANA REACHES INTO HER PURSE AND GRABS THE HANDGUN.

ILANA (CONT’D)

Cause I got this too!

ABBI

What the hell?!

ILANA

It was on sale! 5 bucks. Cool, right?

ABBI

No, not cool.

ILANA

Trade you for those sweet Reeboks.

ABBI

No, my parents got these for my

birthday.

ABBI TAKES THE GUN AND LOOKS AROUND FOR A PLACE TO PUT IT, THEN NEATLY PLACES IT ON A NEARBY TRASH CAN.

ABBI (CONT’D)

Okay, now you can come, but you take

the pig.

ABBI HANDS ILANA THE LEASH.

"Epidode Title" 6.

ILANA

Yay! I get the pig!

ILANA TAKES OFF LEFT.

INT. SUBWAY CAR(ILANA, ABBI, HOT GUY)

ILANA, THE PIG, AND ABBI, RESPECTIVELY, SIT ON A MODERATELY FULL SUBWAY CAR. PEOPLE LOOK UP FROM THEIR PAPERS AND DEVICES DISAPPROVINGLY.

ABBI

You know he didn’t need his own seat.

ILANA

She is part of our sisterhood now. And

you’re being a real Birthday Bitch.

ABBI RECOGNIZES THIS AND SIGHS.

ABBI

I’m sorry, Ilana. I appreciate that

you got me such a...(eyes the pig)

...unique gift, but you never get me

gifts. We just have a girls day and

I’m happy with that.

ILANA

No, I’m sorry. I just wanted to give

you something real for once.

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE AND HUG.

ABBI

I like the pig.

ILANA

We should name her!

"Epidode Title" 7.

ABBI

Ok, that might be a little--

ILANA

Charlotte!

ABBI

Charlotte?

ILANA

Like from that book we had as kids.

ABBI

No, the spider was Charlotte. The pig

was Wilbur.

ILANA LOOKS CONFUSED.

ABBI (CONT’D)

Charlotte’s a great name.

THE TRAIN STOPS AT A STATION, WHERE A HOT GUY ENTERS THE TRAIN. HE WALKS UP THE CAR LOOKING FOR A SEAT.

ABBI (CONT’D)

Oh my god, Ilana. Look at that guy.

ILANA TURNS HER HEAD, AS DOES CHARLOTTE. ILANA’S JAW DROPS AND CHARLOTTE OPENS HER MOUTH. ILANA SLIDES HER BODY TO THE END, LEAVING A GAP BETWEEN HER AND ABBI & CHARLOTTE. THE HOT GUY WALKS BACK TOWARD THEIR END OF THE CAR.

ILANA

Put the pig on your lap.

ABBI

What why?

ILANA

Just trust me.

"Epidode Title" 8.

ABBI, HESITANT, PUTS CHARLOTTE ON HER LAP. THE HOT GUY SEES THIS AND SITS BETWEEN THE GIRLS. ABBI & ILANA LOOK AT EACH OTHER, TRYING NOT TO LET THE HOT GUY NOTICE.

ILANA (CONT’D)(mouthed, to Charlotte)

Charlotte! CHARLOTTE!

CHARLOTTE OINKS, AND ILANA QUICKLY TURNS BACK AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. ABBI IMMEDIATELY GETS WORRIED.

ABBI(to Charlotte)

Shush.

HOT GUY IS NOW PEEKING AT THE PIG, SMILING, THEN AT ABBI. SHE LOOKS BACK.

ABBI (CONT’D)(to Hot Guy)

Sorry.

HOT GUY

Haha, no problem. What’s her name?

ABBI

Oh? It’s, um, Charlotte.

HOT GUY

That’s a beautiful name. How about

your’s?

ABBI

Abbi.

HOT GUY(to Charlotte)

Uh oh, Charlotte, shes got you beat.

ABBI BLUSHES, CHARLOTTE OINKS. ILANA LEANS FORWARD, BEHIND HOT GUY, SO ABBI CAN SEE HER. SHE DOES AN BON-APPITITE STYLE KISS OF THE TIPS HER FINGERS, FOLLOWED BY OPENING THEM IN THE AIR. THEN SHE GET GETS AN IDEA, TURNS TO ABBI SO SHE CAN READ HER LIPS.

"Epidode Title" 9.

ILANA(Mouthed)

Rescue! Rescue!

ABBI(Looking at Ilana)

Wha--?(to Hot Guy)

She’s a rescue.

HOT GUY LOOKS IMPRESSED.

HOT GUY

Wow, that’s so honorable of you. You

know how many people these days

support the crossbreeding of mini-

pigs? It’s nice to meet a someone who

really cares about animals.

ABBI

You seem to be the one who’s

passionate about our four legged

friends.

HOT GUY

Ah, you got me.

HOT GUY PULLS OUT A BADGE.

HOT GUY (CONT’D)

I’m a vet.

ABBI(looking at Badge)

At the Central Park Zoo?!

"Epidode Title" 10.

HOT GUY

Perks of being at the top of your

class.

ILANA LEANS FORWARD AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL IN HER HAND. SHE COMPRESSES & DECOMPRESSES IT.

ILANA(Mouthed to Abbi)

Ching! Ching!

HOT GUY LOOKS OUT THE SUBWAY WINDOW.

HOT GUY

Nuts, this is my stop.

HE TAKES OUT HIS WALLET, AND REMOVES A BUSINESS CARD. HE STANDS UP AND HANDS THE CARD TO ABBI.

HOT GUY (CONT’D)

Lemme know if you ever want a tour.

HE EXITS THE SUBWAY. ILANA’S JAW IS DROPPED

ABBI

Ilana, who knows where this pig can

take us?

ILANA DARTS FOR THE MAP, AND PUTS HER FINGER ON WHERE SHE WANTS TO GO.

ILANA

Oh, I know.

THE SPEAKER IN THE CAR ANNOUCES: “NEXT STOP: PRINCE ST.” WE THEN SEE ILANA SMILING AS WHAM!’S “WAKE ME UP” PLAYS.

EXT. SOHO(ABBI, ILANA)

ABBI, ILANA, AND CHARLOTTE STROLL DOWN THE STREET WITH THE AIR OF ARISTOCRATS.

INT. CHLOE CLOTHING STORE(ABBI, ILANA, SALESPERSON)

"Epidode Title" 11.

ABBI & ILANA ENTER, BOTH WEARING SUNGLASSES, ABBI HOLDING CHARLOTTE IN HER ARMS. A SALESPERSON RUNS UP.

SALESPERSON

Excuse me ladies, but you cannot bring

that...(whispered)

...pig...(normal)

...in our store.

THE GIRLS DROP THEIR JAWS. ABBI REMOVES HER GLASSES, LOOKING AT THE GROUND. SHE LOOKS AT THE SALESPERSON.

ABBI

I see you’re not aware of who you’re

speaking to.

ILANA

Mmhmm.

ABBI

Her name is Charlotte. She is a rescue

and member of my family. But if you

need to, you can speak to my husband,

the Head of Medicine at Central Park

Zoo.

ABBI HANDS HER THE BUSINESS CARD.

ILANA

You know the C.P.Z/?

SALESPERSON(Looking up from card)

I’m aware? My apology.

ILANA

Forgiven.

"Epidode Title" 12.

SALESPERSON DOESN’T RETURN CARD.

ABBI(Pointing to card, partially dropping act)

I’m just gonna need--

SALESPERSON RETURNS THE CARD SUSPICIOUSLY.

ABBI (CONT’D)

--oh, yeah, thanks.

THE GIRLS MODEL CLOTHES OUTSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM FOR EACH OTHER, INCLUDING CHARLOTTE IN A BABY’S PINK DRESS.

INT. GODIVA CHOCOLATS(ABBI, ILANA)

THE GIRLS SHARE CHOCOLATES WITH CHARLOTTE. WHEN NO ONE’S LOOKING, ILANA TONGUES A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN.

INT. NEW MUSEUM(ABBI, ILANA)

THE GIRLS LOOK AT PIECES OF MODERN ART.

EXT. SOHO(ABBI, ILANA)

ILANA

Hey look, what I got for Charlotte.

ILANA PULLS A THE SMALL, PINK DRESS THAT CHARLOTTE MODELED.

ABBI

Ilana, how did you pay for that?!

ILANA

With my five-finger-coupon.

ABBI

You, stole from one of the most

expensive stores in the country?!

"Epidode Title" 13.

ILANA

Borrowed. Only until we drop her off.

Then I’ll return it to the store.

ABBI LOOKS AT THE PIG AND BACK AT ILANA.

ABBI

Okay. But we have to return it today,

alright?

ILANA

Absolutely.

ILANA LOOKS AT HER PHONE.

ILANA (CONT’D)

Oh shit!

ABBI

What’s wrong?

ILANA

The farm closes at 8. We only have an

hour to get there.

EXT. PIG FARM - NIGHT(ABBI, ILANA)

THE GIRLS ARRIVE AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE FARM, BUT THE GATE TO THE MAIN ROAD IS LOCKED. ILANA PULLS ON THE GATE.

ILANA

Dammit.(to Abbi)

Guess we gotta come back tomorrow.

ABBI

What?! No, I am not making this trek

again for a pig--

"Epidode Title" 14.

ILANA

Pet.

ABBI

For a pet that I don’t want.

ILANA POINTS AT CHARLOTTE.

ILANA

She heard all of that.

OINKING IS HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.

ABBI

Pigs!

ILANA

Wait, if we follow this fence around

the property, it’ll lead to the pig

pen.

ABBI

What if we get caught?

ILANA

What are they gonna do shoot us?

ABBI GIVES HER A LOOK THAT SAYS “YES”.

ILANA (CONT’D)

Yeah, I guess that wouldn’t be out of

the ordinary.

ABBI

You know what, I don’t care. I’ve

spent my whole birthday bring

Charlotte here, so I sure as hell will

be going empty handed.

"Epidode Title" 15.

CHARLOTTE OINKS.

PIG PEN

THE GIRLS WALK ALONG SIDE THE FENCE AS THEY COME UP TO THE BACK OF THE PIG PEN. THE FENCE BECOMES WIRE WHERE THE PIG PEN STARTS. ITS A VERY LARGE FIELD WITH SLEEPING PIGS EVERYWHERE. ILANA CLIMBS FIRST, FOLLOWED BY ABBI, WHO’S SHOE WE SEE STEP IN MUD.

ABBI

Aw man, I just got these.

ILANA(whispering)

Shh...we gotta be quiet. This is

espionage.

ABBI

Yea, this is just like that James Bond

scene in a pig pen.

ILANA

Which one was--

ABBI

Just go!

THEY SNEAK SLOWLY THROUGH THE PIG PEN, PAST LARGE, SLEEPING PIGS. ILANA, WITH CHARLOTTE IN HER ARMS, STEPS ON A SQUIGGLY TAIL. SHE FREEZES, SWINGING HER ARM OUT TO HALT ABBI, NOW HOLDING CHARLOTTE LIKE A RUNNING BACK.

ILANA

Losing balance.

ABBI

Don’t lose balance.

ILANA’S BODY IS SHAKING AS SHE PHYSICALLY MULTITASKS.

"Epidode Title" 16.

ABBI (CONT’D)

Happy thoughts: Zabars, Fireball,

James Spader...

ILANA

He’s so hot, but he’s not.

ABBI

I know, it’s weird.

ILANA RELAXES, AND LIFTS HER FOOT OFF OF THE TAIL. THE LARGE PIG LETS OUT A BLOOD CURDLING “REEEEEKKKKK”, FOLLOWED BY A GROWING WAVE OF THE SAME SOUND HURDLING TOWARD THE MAIN COMPLEX. ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE COMPLEX COME ON, AS A FARMER EMERGES IN SHADOW.

FARMER

Who’s out there?!

THE GIRLS DUCK BEHIND AN ADJACENT LOG.

ILANA

CRAP! WHAT DO WE DO?!

ABBI

LEMME TALK HIM DOWN.

ILANA

WHAT?

ABBI

IT’S WHAT JAMES BOND WOULD DO!

ILANA

YOU’RE NOT JAMES BOND!

ABBI

I THOUGHT I WAS JAMES BOND!

ILANA

I WAS JUST BEING POSITIVE!

"Epidode Title" 17.

ABBI

Trust me, Ilana.

ABBI STANDS UP, AND RE-POSTURES HERSELF PROFESSIONALLY.

ABBI (CONT’D)(to Farmer)

We’ve never met. My name is--

A BULLET BLASTS INTO ABBI’S SHOULDER. SHE FLYS BACK.

ABBI (CONT’D)

Nonononononono.

ILANA

Abbi!

ILANA RUSHES OVER, CHARLOTTE RUNS TO THE OTHER SIDE.

ILANA (CONT’D)

You’re gonna be fine. Everything’s

gonna be okay, right Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE OINKS. ABBI LOOKS LIKE A GHOST STARING STRAIGHT INTO THE NIGHT SKY IN SHOCK.

ABBI

I’ve been shot, I’ve been shot, I’ve

been shot...

ILANA

We should’ve brought the handgun!

ABBI

This is what it’s like to die...

ILANA

James Bond gets shot, he gets shot, in

almost every movie.

"Epidode Title" 18.

ABBI

Put pressure on it.

ILANA PRESSES HER MUDDY HAND INTO THE WOUND.

ABBI (CONT’D)

You’re pushing mud in my wound.

ILANA(crying)

I’m sorry! I’m just a Moneypenny!

SUDDENLY HUGE SPOT LIGHTS COME ON AROUND THE PEN, ILLUMINATING IT LIKE FENWAY PARK. TRUCKS BREAK THROUGH THE BARRICADE. ONE OF THE DOORS OPENS, AND THE HOT GUY GETS OUT.

ILANA (CONT’D)

Help! Lady down!

THE HOT GUY RUNS OVER.

HOT GUY

Hey, you’re the girls from the train.

What are doing at this illegal

slaughter house.

ABBI

Slaughterhouse?

ILANA

Wh, rh, uh, rescuing more pigs?

HOT GUY PUTS HIS HAND ON ILANA’S SHOULDER.

HOT GUY

Tonight, you’re heroes.

ABBI

I’m heroes...

PIG FARM - LATER(ABBI, ILANA, HOT GUY)

"Epidode Title" 19.

ABBI IS GETTING BANDAGED IN THE BACK OF AN AMBULANCE, WHILE ILANA AND THE HOT GUY ARE ABOUT 20 FEET IN FRONT OF THE OPEN AMBULANCE DOORS.

HOT GUY(to Ilana)

You’re really brave to try to do what

you did.

ILANA

Sometimes I don’t even think of

myself, I just do for

another...animal?

HOT GUY

You know I knew there was something

special about you when we met.

ABBI MAKES A STINK FACE.

ILANA

That’s me, always the Moneypenny.

THEY BOTH FAKE LAUGH.

ABBI(to Herself)

What?

HOT GUY

Hey, have you ever gotten a real tour

of the Central Park Zoo?

ILANA

I don’t think I have.

ABBI

Three years ago!

"Epidode Title" 20.

ILANA

Alot happens in three years.

HOT GUY

Well I’d love to give you one if

you’re ever free.

ILANA

Absolutely.

ILANA RUNS BACK TO THE AMBULANCE, HOPS IN ACROSS FROM ABBI

ILANA (CONT’D)(to Abbi)

Guess who’s got a zoo-date?

ABBI

You stole my fake-husband.

ILANA

Yeah, but now you can get a divorce,

bleed him for everything he’s got, and

we can run off into the sunset.

ABBI

Surprisingly enough, this was one of

the be...(pause)

...this was one of the most exciting

birthday’s I’ve ever had.

ILANA

Mission Accomplished.

JAMES BOND THEME PLAYS. THE AMBULANCE DOORS CLOSE, AND THE AMBULANCE DRIVES OFF INTO THE SUNRISE.

CENTRAL PARK ZOO - CAMEL EXHIBIT - DAY(ILANA, HOT GUY)

"Epidode Title" 21.

ILANA AND HOT GUY ARE INSIDE THE CAMEL DEN, AND ILANA IS CLEARLY GROSSED OUT.

HOT GUY

That’s Max, he was an Al-Qaeda drug

runner in Afghanistan until we rescued

him 3 years ago.

MAX WALK UP TO ILANA, WHO IS STANDING STIFF AS A BOARD. HE SNEEZES INTO HER FACE. THEN HE STARTS PULLING ON HER HAIR.

HOT GUY (CONT’D)

Oh, and he loves hair!

ILANA

He sure does.

MAX POOPS.

FADE TO BLACK.

"Epidode Title" 22.