The Definitive Book of Body Language Chapter 1 – Understanding the Basics

• In the Beginning… o Albert Mehrabian

� Impact of a message • 7% verbal

o words • 38% vocal

o Tone, inflection, etc • 55% nonverbal

o Kinesics � Ray Birdwhistell � Study of nonverbal communication

o Key to body language reading � understanding a person’s emotional condition

• while listening to what they are saying o noting the circumstances under which they are saying it

• Why women are more perceptive o Perception

� Spotting contradictions between someone’s words and their body language o Women vs Men

� 14 to 16 areas of the brain vs. 4 to 6 areas • For communicating and evaluating people

� Female brain • Organized for multi-tracking

o Juggle between 2 and 4 unrelated topics at the same time • Basic origins

o Smiling � Threat gesture in most carnivorous animals � Primates

• Used in conjunction with nonthreatening gesture o Show submission

o Sneering � Warn others of attack

o Nostril flare � Allows more oxygen to body for ‘fight or flight’ � Primates

• Backup support is needed to deal with a threat � Humans

• Threat

o Emotional or physical • Anger / irritation • Something isn’t right

• Universal gestures o Ex.: Shoulder shrug

� Person doesn’t know � Person doesn’t understand � 3 main parts

• Exposed palms o Shows nothing is concealed

• Hunched shoulders o Protect the throat from attack

• Raised brow o Submissive greeting

• 3 Rules for accurate reading o Rule 1: Read Gesture in clusters

� Interpreting a single gesture is a novice error • Single gestures are like single spoken words

� Clusters are like sentences • People often have repetitive gesture clusters • Ex.: Critical Evaluation

o Hand-to-face gesture � Index finger pointing up the cheek � Other fingers cover mouth � Thumb supports chin

o Legs tightly crossed � Defensive

o Arm across body � Defensive

o Head and chin down � Negative / hostile

o Says, “I don’t like what you’re saying” � “I disagree” � “I’m holding back negative feelings”

o Rule 2: Look for Congruence � Check that a person’s words and body language are not in conflict

o Rule 3: Read gestures in context � Gestures should always be considered in the context that they occur

• How to become a great reader o 15 minutes a day o Become aware of your own gesture

o Read anywhere many people meet and interact � Airport � Shopping mall

o Turn down the television volume � News shows � Talk shows

Chapter 2 – The Power is in your Hands

• How to detect openness o Exposing palms

� When someone begins to open up / be truthful • They will expose part or all of their palms to the other person

� Concealing them may be a sign of not wanting to open up • Deceptiveness

• Use of palms to deceive o Open-palm gestures give appearance of honesty

� Also encourage honesty • In speaker and receiver

• Palm Power o 3 main palm command gestures

� Palm-up position • Submissive • Non-threatening • Ex. : if you want someone to talk and be open

o ‘handover’ gesture � You are ready to listen

� Palm-down position • Immediate authority • antagonizing

� Palm-closed-finger-pointed position • Symbolic ‘club’

o Beats listeners into submission • Evokes negative feelings • Replace with ‘OK’ type gesture

o Finger curled in, thumb pressed on top o Seem authoritative, not aggressive

� Thoughtful, goal-oriented, focused � Ex.: You use a palm command gesture and ask a person to pick something up

and move it to another location • Palm-up position

o Not feel pressured

o Unlikely to feel threatened • Palm-down position

o Person will sense as an order o Feel antagonistic

� Especially if they have more rank • Palm-closed-finger-pointed position

o Feel annoyed o Feel oppressed o Speaker comes off

� Aggressive, belligerent, rude • Handshakes

o Origins � Lower-arm-grasp

• Gripping each other’s wrists • Check for concealed weapons

� Evolution • Seal commercial deals

• Dominance o 3 transmitted attitudes

� Dominance • Turning your hand palm downwards

o Communicates that you want to take control � Submission

• Turning your hand palm upwards o Like a dog exposing their throat

• Effective if you want to give the other person control • Allow the other person to feel they are in charge

o Ex.: an apology • Considerations

o A person trying to protect their hands � Job-related � arthritis

� Equality • Both struggle for control

o Equality and mutual respect o Women

� High feminine signals in a handshake • Loses credibility

� Firmer handshake is a sign of being open to new ideas • Create Rapport

o 2 ingredients to rapport

� Be sure that both you and the other person’s palms are in the vertical positions � Apply the same pressure that you receive

• Disarm a Power Player o Palm-Down Thrust

� Like a nazi salute � Typical of overbearing, dominant person

• Always initiates it • Forces receiver into submissive position

o Countering the Palm-Down thrust � Step-to-the-right technique

• 1st step forward with your left foot as you reach to shake hands o Considering common to shake with right hand

• 2nd step forward with your right leg o Moving across in front of the person

� Into their personal space • 3rd bring your left leg across to your right leg • Allows you to straighten the handshake

o Possibly turn it to a submissive � The Hand-on-Top Technique

• Respond with hand in palm-up position o Then put left hand over his to form Double-Hander

� Straighten the handshake • Switches the power from them to you

� The Last Resort • Grasp their hand on top and shake

o Use if a person � Palm-thrusts regularly � Uses it to intimidate

• Left-side Advantage o Easier to gain the upper hand when shaking hands

� Ex.: in photographs • Control

o Two-handed handshakes � Origin

• 90% of the humans are born with the ability to throw the right arm in front of the body for basic self-defense

o Double-Hander restricts this defense • Increases the amount of physical contact

� Left hand is used to communicate the depth of feeling the initiator wants to convey

• The relative distance the initiator’s left hand is placed up the receiver’s arm

� Establishes control over the receiver � Should never be used in greetings where a person bond doesn’t exist

• Only acceptable in instances where a hug would be appropriate • If a person uses one on you they may have a hidden agenda

� Double-Hander � Wrist Hold � Elbow Grasp � Upper-Arm Grip � The Shoulder Hold

• 8 Worst handshakes o The wet fish

� Cold and clammy hand o The vise

� Palm presented down � Crushing grip � 1 sharp downward thrust

• 2 or 3 hard return strokes � A sign of fear of being dominated

o The Bone-crusher o Finger-tip grab

� Aim is to keep the receiver at a comfortable distance � This also can result from differences in personal space

o Stiff-arm thrust � Used by aggressive types � Main purpose is to keep people at a distance � Large personal space bubble

o Socket-wrencher � Forcefully gripping the receivers outstretched palm

• Then applying a sharp reverse thrust dragging the receiver in � Can mean 1 of 3 things

• The initiator is an insecure type o Only feels safe in their own personal space

• The initiator is from a culture with smaller special needs • The initiator wants to control the receiver by pulling them off balance

o Pump handle � The pumper continues to pump the arm more than the accepted 7 max. � May also continue to hold the receiver’s hand after pumping has ceased

• Prevents escape o Dutch Treat

� “Giving a handshake like a bunch of carrots � Stiff fingers

• Power of touch o Elbow touch

� Touching with your left hand while shaking hands with your right has powerful results • Gives up to 3x chance of getting what you want • Works for 3 reasons

o Elbow is considered a public space � Far away from intimate parts of the body

o Touching a stranger is not considered acceptable in most countries

� Creates an impression o Light, 3-second, elbow touch creates a momentary bond

o Hand brush

Chapter 3 – The Magic of Smiles and Laughter

• Muscles and smiling o Two sets of muscles control a smile

� Zygomatic major muscles • Run down the side of the face • Connect to the corners of the mouth • Pull the mouth back to expose the teeth

o Enlarge the cheeks • Consciously controlled

o Can be used to produce fake smiles � To appear subordinate

� Orbicularis oculi • Pull the eyes back

o Make the eyes narrow o Cause ‘crow’s feet’ o Act independently

• Reveals true feelings • Genuine smile

o Eye cover fold moves downward � Fleshy part of the eye between the eyebrow and eyelid

o Eyebrows dip slightly • Show sincerity

• Aggression o Apes

� Bare their lower fangs, warning they can bite

o Humans � Drop or thrust forward the lower lip

• Unsheathing the lower teeth • Signal of submission

o Chimps have 2 smiles � Fear Face

• Submission to a dominant other • Appeasement • Lower jaw opens to expose teeth

o Corners of mouth are pulled back and down • “I’m not a threat because, as you can see, I’m fearful of you.”

� Play face • Teeth are exposed

o Corners of the mouth and the eyes are drawn upward • Vocal sounds are made

o Similar to laughter • “I’m not a threat because, as you can see, I’m a playful child.”

o Humans � Tells the other person you are nonthreatening � Asks the other person to accept you on a personal level

• Smiling is Contagious o ‘Mirror neuron’ in the brain

� Triggers the area responsible for recognition of faces and expressions • Causes instant mirroring reaction

o We automatically copy facial expressions we see • Smiles trick the brain

o Hardwired � The ability to decode smiles is an aid to survival

• Need to be able to recognize whether an approaching stranger is friendly or aggressive

o Fake Smile � Appears stronger on one side of the face than the other

• Both sides of the brain attempt to make it appear genuine • The right half of the brain’s cortex that specializes in facial expressions

sends signals mainly to the left side of the body o False facial emotions are pronounced on the left side of the face

� Deliberate liars smile less than usual • Liars associate the common societal belief that liars smile more • When they do smile

o Comes quicker and lasts longer than normal � “liars mask’

• 5 common types of smiles o Tight-lipped smile

� Lips are stretched tight across the face to form a straight line • Teeth are concealed

� Sends the message that the smiler • has a secret • withheld opinion • attitude they won’t be sharing

� favored by women who don’t want to reveal they don’t like someone • read by other women as a rejection signal • most men are oblivious to it

o The Twisted Smile � Shows opposite emotions on each side of the face

• Ex.: the right brain raises the left-side eyebrow, the left zygomatic muscles and the left cheek to produce one type of smile on the left side of the face

o The left brain pulls the same muscles downward on the right side to produce an angry frown

� Can only be done deliberately • Only means sarcasm

o The Drop-Jaw Smile � Only the lower jaw is dropped down to give the impression that the person is

laughing or playful • Engenders likability • Ex. : the Joker

o Sideways-looking-up Smile � With the head turned down and away while looking up with a tight-lipped smile

• The smile looks juvenile, playful, and secretive � Shown to be men’s favorite when women do it

• Engenders parental male feeling o Makes men want to protect and care for females

• Frequently used by women to attract men o Seductive o Powerful ‘come-on’ signal

o The George W. Bush Grin � Permanent smirk � Makes the majority of people think you are hiding something

Chapter 4 – Arm Signals

• Arm Barrier Signals o Crossed-Arms gesture

� Learned as a substitute for not hiding behind things like a child may do � Creates a barrier

• Protects vital organs, the heart and lungs • Unconscious attempt to block out what we perceive as

o A threat o Undesirable circumstances

• Can be seen when a person is o Nervous o Negative o Has a defensive attitude

� When a listener has their arms and/or legs crossed • Speaker credibility dramatically reduces

o Listener has more negative thoughts about the speaker • A listener pays less attention

o Retains less of the message � Even if arms-crossed feels comfortable you may be less receptive � As a speaker, when you see someone in arms-crossed position

• Assume you may have said something that they disagree with o It may be pointless to continue your line of argument

• Solution o Give them something to hold or something to do

• Gender differences o Men’s arms rotate slightly inward

� Allows men to aim and throw more accurately o Women’s arms rotate slightly outward

� Splayed elbows give a wider, more stable position for carrying babies � Women tend to keep their arms more open around men they find attractive

• Fold their arms against men they find aggressive or unattractive • Crossed-Arms-on-Chest

o attempt to put a barrier between the person and someone / something they don’t like o Universal

� Defensive and negative � Commonly seen in

• Strangers in public meetings • Lines • Elevators • Anywhere people feel uncertain / insecure

o Solutions � Give the listener something to hold

• Pen, book, brochure � Give the listener something to do

• Sample, written test � Ask them to lean forward to look at a visual presentation � Stand-up or Lean forward with palms up

• Address them with a statement o “I can see you have a question…what would you like to know?” o “What’s your opinion?”

• Then sit or lean back to indicate that it’s their turn to speak o By using palms up, you nonverbally tell to be open and honest

o Weapons � People who are carrying weapons will rarely use an arms-crossed gesture

• Reinforced Arm-Crossing o Fists-Clenched-Arms-Crossed

� Clenched fists coupled with full arm-cross • Shows hostility and defensiveness

� If combined • with a tight-lipped smile or clenched teeth and red face

o a verbal, or possibly physical attack could happen o means a person also has an aggressive, attacking attitude

• Arm-Gripping o Double-Arm-Grip

� Person’s hands tightly gripping their upper arms to reinforce themselves and avoid exposure of their front body

� Arms can be gripped so tight that the fingers and knuckles can turn white • Blood circulation is cut off

� It’s a person’s way of comforting themselves with self-hugging � Commonly seen in doctors’ and dentists’ waiting rooms

• Also first time air travelers � Shows a negative, restrained attitude

• Insecurity • Not buying what is being sold to them

o Ex.: at the end of a presentation � Person will not say yes

• Better to ask questions o Uncover objections

• Status and arm-folding o Superiority can be shown by NOT folding arms

� Powerful enough to stay vulnerable • Arms-crossed with Thumbs-up

o Shows in control and feeling ‘cool’

� Thumbs-up gesture is a way of showing others we have a self-confident attitude � Folded arms still give a feeling of protection

o At the end of a presentation � Listener will accept if clustered with positive gestures

• Partial-Arm-Cross o One arm swings across the body to hold or touch the other arm

� Forms barrier and acts as hugging self � Common in Women

o Creates a comfort when in stressful situations o Often seen in

� meetings where a person may be a stranger to the group � A person lacking self-confidence

• Holding-Hands-with-yourself o Also known as the ‘Broken zipper Position’ o Recreates the feeling of someone holding your hand o Commonly seen

� in men � Receiving an award or giving a speech � Feeling dejected and vulnerable

• Line a soup kitchen, unemployment, social security o Protecting the ‘crown jewels’

• Arms-crossed with items o Cuff-link-adjust

� Seen in men adjusting a cufflink � Someone adjusting a watch � Women adjust a bracelet or ring

o Flowers-Handbag-Clutch � Women clutch handbags � Men holding briefcase in front of them

o Other items � Checking contents of wallet � Clasping / rubbing hands together � Playing with a button � Any gesture that allows an arm to cross in front of the body � Holding a glass with 2 hands

• While sitting where a person places their glass after taking a drink is a strong indicator of whether they are convinced or open to what you are saying

o Feeling hesitant, unsure, negative about what they are hearing � Place the cup to the opposite side of their body

• Single-arm barrier

o Feeling open, accepting, positive about what they are hearing � Place the cup to the same side as their hand

o Shows anxiousness and self-consciousness • Sitting

o Defensive and submissive � Will sit symmetrical

• One side of their body is a perfect mirror of the other � Display tense muscle tone

• Look as if they expect to be attacked o Defensive and dominant

� Display tense muscle tone � Will sit assymetrical

• One side of the body will not mirror the other o Elbows on the armrest of a chair

� Position of power � Conveys strong, upright image

o Arms dropping inside the arms of the chair � Appears humble, defeated

• Power of touch

Chapter 5 – Cultural Differences

• The biggest cultural differences exist mainly in o Territorial space, Eye contact, touch frequency, insult gestures

• 3 Most common cross-cultural gestures o The Ring / OK sign o Thumbs up o The V-sign / 2

Chapter 6 – Hand and Thumb Gestures

• Hands with speech o When discussing 2 points of view

� A person will use their favored hand when speaking of their favorite point • Right-handed favor their right

• Gestures improve recall o Hand gestures

� Grab attention, increase impact, improve retention • Rubbing palms together

o Raised-Palms-Rub � Shows positive expectancy

• Ex.: Dice thrower at the craps table o Waiter rubbing hands together at the end of the meal

� The speed of the hand rub signals whom the gesturer think will benefit • Slowly mean the speaker plans to benefit

• Thumb and finger rub o Rubbing the thumb against the index finger is commonly used as a money-expectancy

gesture � Wanting money

o Should be avoided • Hands Clenched Together

o Shows a restrained, anxious, frustrated, or negative attitude � Used in by a person who thinks they are losing

o Commonly assumed to signal confidence � This is not necessarily true

o 3 main positions � in front of the face � resting on the desk or lap � when standing, in front of crotch � Correlation between height of hands and frustration

• The higher the hands are held the more difficult the person will be o Solution

� Do something to break their hands apart • The Steeple

o Fingers of one hand lightly press against those of the other hand, form a church steeple � Sometimes rock back and forth like a spider doing push-ups

o Often seen individually, not in clusters o Frequently used in superior-subordinate interaction

� Giving instructions or advice o Indicates a confident or self-assured attitude o Should be avoided when you want to be persuasive o Raised

� Usually used when talking � When combined with the head tilted back

• An air of smugness / arrogance o Lowered

� Usually used when listening � Women use this position more than men

o In Chess or games � When you make your play or begin to make a play

• Person leans back and steeples o Confident

• Person leans forward and Hand-clenches or Arms-clenched o Doesn’t like what you have done

o In clusters � When combined with negative gestures like

• Arm-folding, leg-crossing, looking away, hand-to-face gestures • May be confident a person won’t say yes

• Face Platter o One hand on top of the other and rest the chin on the back of the top hand, presenting

the face to the man o Positive gesture used in courtship o Used mainly by women and gay men

� Attract a man’s attention • Hands held behind back

o Gesture of superiority, confidence, fearlessness and power o Exposes the vulnerable areas

� Stomach, heart, crotch, throat o Common among people in a position of authority

� Royalty, police, leaders o 3 common placements

� Hand-in-palm • expresses fearlessness, superiority, confidence, and power

� Hand-gripping-wrist • Expresses frustration and is an attempt at self-control

o As if an attempt to prevent the arm from striking out � Upper-arm grip

• Express severe frustration • The higher up one hand grips the opposite arm, the more frustrated or

angry the person is likely to be • Thumb displays

o Thumbs denote superiority o Displays dominance, assertiveness, sometimes an aggressive attitude o Secondary gestures

� Usually part of a cluster • Such as crotch thrusting • Rocking on the balls of the feet to show height

o Positive signal � Often used as an “I’m cool” gesture

o Thumb protruding from pocket � Shows ‘in-control’ attitude � Sometimes reveals lack of sincerity

• If words and other cluster doesn’t match � Back pockets

• Hiding their dominant attitude

� Arms-folded-with-thumbs-pointing-upward • Defensive attitude combined with superior attitude • Common to people who

o Gesture with thumbs when they talk o Rock on the balls of their feet

Chapter 7 – Evaluation and Deceit Signals

• Lying Research o Research shows that social liars (people who tell white lies) are more popular than those

who continually tell the truth � Even though we know the social liar is lying

o 62% of people lie 2 to 3 times every 10 minutes o 91% of people regularly lie at home and work

• Hand gestures and deceit o People who hear bad news or witness an accident will often cover their entire face with

their hands to symbolically stop themselves from hearing or seeing bad news o Children who lie will often cover their mouth with one or both hands

� If they don’t want to listen they cover their ears � If they don’t want to see something they cover their eyes

• Hand-to-face gestures o Occur when a person is lying, covering up, or witnessing deceit

� More frequent when lying • Also more gulps of saliva

o Secondary gestures; part of larger clusters • Women are better liars

o Women tell more complicated lies than men • Why it’s hard to lie

o The subconscious mind acts automatically and independently of a verbal lie � Body language gives away the truth

o To get away with lying one must practice � What ‘feels’ like the right gestures � Reduce the gesturing, mainly the positive and negative gestures

• the most common lying gestures o The mouth cover

� Hand covers the mouth • The brain subconsciously instructs it to try to suppress the deceitful

words being spoken � May only be several fingers or a closed fist

• May also appear as a single finger, “Shhh” � Disguise may be attempted with a fake cough � If done while you are speaking the listener may feel you are hiding something

• Stop and ask a question o “I can see some people disagree. Would anyone like to ask a

question?” o The Nose touch

� One or Several quick rubs below the nose • Women do this with smaller strokes than men • Read in the context of clusters • Not to be mistaken with deliberate scratching of an itchy nose

� Caused by chemicals known as catecholamines released into the nasal tissue • Cause the inside of the nose to swell • Also occurs when a person is upset, anxious, angry

o The Eye Rub � Brain’s attempt to block out the deceit, doubt, distasteful thing it sees

• Also avoid having to look at the face of a person they are lying to � Less likely in women

• Use small, gentle touching motions just below the eye • Also avoid gaze by looking away

� sometimes combine with a false smile and clenched teeth o The ear grab

� Attempt to block the words they are hearing • Also signals the person has hear enough

� Seen as covering, cupping, or tugging • Also the Finger Drill

o Rubbing the back of the ear � Used by someone experiencing anxiety

o The neck scratch � Index finger scratches the side of the neck below the earlobe

• Usually the writing hand � A person will scratch an average of 5 times � Signal of doubt and uncertainty

• Characteristic of someone who says, “I’m not sure I agree” • Very noticeable when verbal language contradicts

o The collar pull � Rub, scratch neck or pull collar away from neck to alleviate itching

• Caused by increased blood pressure from deceit and sweat forming on the neck

• Also accounts for this gesture in uncertainty � Occurs when a person is feeling angry or frustrated

• The deceiver may be lying an feel you know they aren’t telling the truth � When someone uses this gesture ask

• “Could your repeat that / clarify that point?”

o Fingers-in-the-Mouth � Unconscious attempt to establish security when a person is under pressure � Also seen by sucking on pen, cigarette, glasses stem, chewing gum � Outward indication of a need for reassurance

• Evaluation and Procrastination gestures o Hand-to-Cheek

� Shown by a closed hand resting on the chin or cheek • Often with the index finger pointing upward

o Genuine interest is shown when the hand lightly rests on the cheek � Not used as head support

o Negative thoughts or critical thoughts � When the index finger points vertically up the cheek and the thumb supports

the chin • Sometimes the index finger may rub or pull at the eye • Often misinterpreted as a signal of interest

o When losing interest but wants to appear interested for courtesy � The heel of the palm will begin to support the head

o Hand-to-Chin gestures � Chin stroking

• A signal that the listener is going through the decision-making process • When asked for their decision, the gestures following a Chin-Stroke will

indicate whether their decision will be positive or negative o Stay quiet and watch the next gestures. o Ex. : followed by crossed arms, legs, leaning back

� Negative o Ex: followed by open arms, leaning forward, picking up a sample

� Positive � Chin stroke alternative

• Objects in the mouth allow stalling and not to feel urgency in giving an immediate response

• Glasses o Following an evaluation cluster, puts one arm of the frame in

the mouth • Cigarette

o A smoker will take a puff • When a person puts a pen or finger in their mouth

o Stalling clusters � Sometimes boredom, evaluation, and decision-making gestures come in

combinations • Each show different elements of the person’s attitudes

� Evaluation-decision-making cluster

• Evaluation gesture moved to the chin, and the hand may also be stroking the chin

o Person is evaluating the proposition and drawing conclusions at the same time

� Evaluation-decision-boredom cluster • When the listener begins to lose interest in the speaker

o Head begins to rest on the hand � Head supported by thumb as listener loses interest

o Head rubbing and slapping gestures � ‘Pain in the neck’ gesture

• Rubbing the back of the neck o Caused by tingling feeling

• Feels threatened, fearful, frustrated, or angry � Forehead slap

• Used to communicate forgetfulness • Not intimidated by their forgetfulness

o If they slap the back of their neck they are intimidated by your asking about the result or their forgetfulness

o Chess games � Steepling

• Confidence � Uncertainty / unhappy

• Mouth cover, ear grab, neck scratch • Boredom

o Listener supporting their hand on their hand o Degree of boredom is related to the extent to which their arm and hand are supporting

their head � Usually begins with the chin being supported by the thumb and then by the fist

as it wanes. • Extreme lack of interest is shown when the head is fully supported by

the hand o Drumming the fingers on the table and continual tapping of the feet on the floor are

often misinterpreted as boredom signals � This is a signal of impatience

• The faster the tapping the more impatient � Combined with head rest means it is time to end

Chapter 8 – Eye Signals

• Dilating Pupils o Pupils dilate and contract as your attitude and mood change from positive to negative

and vice versa

o Dilation � When someone becomes excited their pupils can dilate up to 4x the original size � Pupils dilate when people view something that stimulates them � Pupils dilate when people reach a solution to a problem or puzzle

o Contract � Angry or negative mood causes the pupils to contract to a beady, tiny size � Pupils contract when viewing something that turns them off

• Eyebrow flash o The eyebrows rise rapidly for a split second and then drop again

� Purpose is to draw attention to the face so that clear signals can be exchanged � Unconscious signal that acknowledges the other person’s presence

• Probably linked to the fear reaction of being surprised o A universal hello

� Also found in primates o We don’t eyebrow flash strangers or people we don’t like

� People who don’t eyebrow flash upon greeting tend to be viewed as aggressive • Eye widening

o Lowering the brow shows dominance / aggression o Raising the eyebrows show submission o Women widen their eyes by raising their eyebrows and eyelids to create a ‘babyface’

� Powerful effect on men by releasing hormones in their brain • Stimulates the desire to defend and protect

• The ‘Looking Up’ cluster o Lowering the head and looking up

� A submissive gesture that appeals to men � Makes the eyes appear larger and the woman more child-like

• Sexual expression o Lowering the eyelids while raising the eyebrows, looking up, and slightly parting lips o Used by women

• Gaze behavior o To build good rapport maintain a gaze 60 to 70 percent of the time

� Meeting gaze less than 33% of the time leads to being untrustworthy o Typically whoever looks away first is looked at as subordinate o 70% of liars maintain strong eye contact with their victim

� Assumption is they are less likely to get caught � Lie-catching ability drops an average of 25%

o When a person meets your gaze form than two-thirds of the time � They may find you interesting � They could be issuing a challenge

• Sideways Glance o Used to communicate interest, uncertainty, or hostility

o When combined with slightly raised eyebrows or a smile � Communicates interest � Usually used by women

o With down-turned eyebrows, furrowed brow, or corners of mouth down-turned � Communicates suspiciousness, hostility, critical attitude

• Extended Blinking o Normal blink rate is 6 to 8 per minute

� Eyes closed 1/10 of a second o Blink rate increases under pressure

� Unconscious attempt to block the stress from their sight � Eyes may close longer

• Sign of superiority o May be combined with up-turned nose

• Darting eyes o Eyes dart from side to side

� Brain searching for an escape route o Reveals insecurity about what is taking place o Seen when listening to a boring individual

� Also common to see tight-lipped smile with increased eye contact • Basic types of gazes

o The Social Gaze � Triangular area between the eyes and the mouth for about 90% of the gaze time

o The Intimate Gaze � The gaze is across the eyes, below the chin to the lower parts of the body

• For close it is between eyes and chest • For distance it is between eyes and groin

� Gaze is used to show interest in the other person o The Power gaze

� The gaze is across the eyes to the middle of the forehead • Changes the atmosphere to serious • Maintains pressure on the person

o As long as your gaze doesn’t drop below their eye level o The Power stare

� A non-blinking power stare towards an aggressor � If panning, move eyes first

• Then move head to follow o NLP

� Recalling a picture • Look upward and to their left

� Recalling a sound • Look to the side and tilt head like listening

� Recalling a feature or emotion • Look down and to their right

� Mentally talking to oneself • Look down and to their left

� These eye movements happen in a fraction of a second • Also come in clusters

o The Power lift � Controlling where a person is looking using a pen to point to a visual aid � Point to the presentation, paper, etc

• Next lift the pen into the space between your eyes and their eyes o This will lift their eyes to meet yours o Keep your palm open while you are speaking to them

Chapter 9 – Space invaders – territories and personal space

• Territory is the area or space around a person that claims as his own o As if an extension of the body o Depends on the society that a person grows up in o People in prison typically have larger space needs than most people

� They tend to be more aggressive o People in the country typically have larger space needs than people in the city

� A bubble of up to 36 inches � Lean in to shake hands

o Objects as simple as a pen can reserve space for an average of 77 minutes max • Zone Distances

o The intimate zone � 6 to 18 inches � Represents the zone a person guards as they would property � Only available to those who are emotionally close � Subzone of 6 or less inches

• Only for those of physical closeness o Personal Zone

� 18 to 48 inches � Talking distance

• Friendly gatherings o Social Zone

� 4 to 12 feet � Distance we stand from strangers

o Public zone � Over 12 feet � Addressing a large group of people

o Tolerating strangers to enter our intimate zone from the social zone causes physiological changes within the body

� Heart pumps faster � Adrenaline pours into the bloodstream � Blood is pumped to the brain and the muscles

o If you want people to feel comfortable around you, keep your distance o Hip distance

� The distance people keep their hips when they embrace is an example of how close they feel with each other

• Masking o Attempt to keep a neutral, emotionless mask o Common in crowded places or places where someone invades privacy o Common habits, like in elevators

� No talking to anyone including a person you know � Avoid eye contact � Maintain a ‘poker face’ � Pretend to be engrossed in something you are reading

• Like reading elevator numbers change � No movement

Chapter 10 – How the Legs Reveal what the mind wants to do

• People are least aware of their legs and feet o People jiggle or tap their feet when they want to escape what they are experiencing o People increase lower body movements when they lie

� Glass topped tables cause more stress • Walking

o How people swing their arms when they walk tells what they are like or want people to think they are like

� Gait, speed, arm swing • Purpose of the legs

o Legs are designed to move us toward what we want and away from what we don’t o Crossed legs show closed off and uncertainty o Uncrossed legs show openness and dominance

• 4 main standing positions o At attention

� Formal position • Neutral attitude

o No commitment to stay or go � Used more by women than men

o Legs apart � Plants both feet firmly on the ground

• Clear statement of no intention of leaving � Dominance signal

• Crotch display • Mainly a male gesture

o The Foot-forward � Body weight is shifted to one hip

• Leaves the front foot pointing forward o Foot points where the mind wants to go o In groups the points to who we find most interesting

o Standing Leg-Cross � Shows a lack of confidence, negative and defensive emotions

• Causes others to react similarly • Sitting leg cross

o European leg cross � One leg is crossed neatly over the other

• 70% of people cross left over right � When combined with arm cross

• They are emotionally withdrawn from the conversation o American figure four

� Seated version of the crotch display � Shows that an argumentative or competitive attitude exists � Men who sit like this are seen as being more dominant

• Also more relaxed and youthful � Figure four leg clamp

• Lock the figure four in place by grasping the ankle o The person is sticking with their competitive attitude

• Sign the person is tough-minded, stubborn, rejects others opinions o The Ankle Lock

� Mentally biting your lip � Shows fear, negative emotion, uncertainty � Men doing this include a crotch display

o Studies have shown that most people make final decisions with both feet on the floor � Don’t try for a decision if legs are crossed

Chapter 11 – The 13 most common gestures you’ll see daily

• The Head Nod o Signals a yes, agreement, understanding o Speed of nod is important

� Slow = listener interested � Fast= listener has heard enough

o Head nodding tends to be reciprocal

• The Head Shake • The basic head position

o Head up � Person has a neutral attitude about what is being said � Combined with chin jutting forward

• Signals superiority, fearlessness, arrogance o Head tilt

� Conveys submission and nonthreatening attitude o Head down

� Chin down • Signals negative, judgmental, aggressive attitude

• The head duck o Raising the shoulders and pulling the head down between them

� Person is protecting their vulnerable neck and throat � Trying to appear smaller in order not to cause offense

o Used when someone hears a loud bang or something may fall on them • Picking imaginary lint

o A person disapproves of the opinions or attitudes of others � Doesn’t want to say anything

o Usually combined with looking down and away � Good sign the person doesn’t like what’s being said

o Solution � Ask what they think

• Sit back, arms apart, palms visible • Hands-on-Hips gesture

o Person takes up more space and shows the weapons of pointed elbows � Half-raised arms

o Ready for assertive action o Makes us appear bigger o Achiever stance o Combined with coat

� Closed coat shows frustration � Open coat, pushed back, shows direct aggression

• Cowboy stance o Thumbs stuck into belt or tops of pockets

� Frames the genital area � Mainly used by men

• Women who use it are seen as sexually assertive • Legs spread

o Male dominance gesture • Leg-over-the-arm-of-chair

o Signifies ownership of the chair o Informal, aggressive attitude

• Straddling a chair o Signals a need to dominate and control, while remaining protected o Easiest way to disarm them is to stand up or stand behind them

• The catapult o Seated version of the Hands-on-hips o hands behind the head

� Elbows pointed out creating bigger appearance o Shows cool and confident attitude

� Arrogance � Thinks they know more than the other people

o Usually clustered with a crotch display or figure four cross • Starter’s position

o Leaning forward with one or both hands on knees or on the edge of the chair o Signal that a person is ready to end the meeting

� Also may be angry

Chapter 12 – Mirroring – How we Build Rapport

• Mirroring is copying the body language of others • One of the most common forms of mirroring is yawning • Mirroring shows similarity

o Makes people feel ‘at ease’ • Intentionally mirroring can be done to create rapport

o Don’t do it too early as the person will become aware of it � Never mirror the negative

Chapter 13 – The Secret Signals of Cigarettes, Glasses, and Makeup

• Cigarettes o Smoking is an outward signal of inner turmoil or conflict

� A need for reassurance � Cigarettes are like thumb-sucking

o 2 types of smokers � Social

• Take smaller, quicker puffs o Stimulate the brain, heightened level of awareness

� Addicted • Longer, slower puffs

o Sedative effect o Men

� Keep wrist straight

� Drop smoking hand below chest level � Front of body closed

o Women � Keep smoking hand high � Wrist bent back in wrist display gesture � Front of body open

o Smoke exhalation � Upward

• Feeling positive, superior, confident about what they see or hear • Ex.: playing cards, good hand

� Downward • Feeling negative, secretive, suspicious about what they see or hear • Out of the corner of the mouth mean even more so

� Considering they aren’t blowing away to attempt to not offend • Glasses

o Glasses-arm-in-mouth � A reassurance gesture � Stall or delay � Gestures that follow signal the person’s intention

• Puts the glasses back on o Wants to ‘see’ the facts again

• Folding the glasses and putting them away o Intention to terminate the conversation

• Putting / tossing them on the desk o Rejection of the proposal

o People with glasses are viewed as having a higher IQ � Unless they are oversized

Chapter 14 – How the Body points to where the mind wants to go

• Body Angles o Open positions

� Facing towards is aggressive • A person who is invested in their argument

� Facing away creates a friendlier appearance � People who are feeling each other out will stand at 45 degree angles

o Closed positions � When people want intimacy their body positions change from 45 to 0 degrees � If a third wants to join a closed conversation

• They will be accepted only if the others open to them • Seated positioning

o Crossing legs toward another is a sign of interest

Chapter 15 – Courtship displays and Attraction Signals

• Both men and women both walk livelier to show health and vitality, conveying suitability o Men will stand taller, protrude jaw, expand chest o Women will emphasize breasts, tilt head, touch hair, expose wrists to appear submissive

• The attraction process o Stage 1: Eye contact o Stage 2: Smiling o Stage 3: Preening o Stage 4: Talk o Stage 5: Touch

• 13 most common female courtship gestures o The head toss and hair flick o Wet lips and pouting, mouth slightly open o Self-touching o The limp wrist o Fondling a cylindrical object, like a glass o Exposed wrist o Sideways glance over raised shoulder o Rolling hips o The pelvic tilt o Handbag in close proximity o The knee point o The shoe fondle o The leg twine

Chapter 16 – Ownership, Territory, and Height Signals

• We lean against other people or objects to show a territorial claim o Can also be used as a method of dominance or intimidation if the object belongs to

someone else • Neutralizing height

o Set up a space where you can control the environment � Have chairs of varying heights

• Have tall people sit in shorter chairs � Sit at opposite ends of a table

o Talk in a public place o If someone is talking over you while you are sitting

� Get up and go look out a window, for example o Act assertively o Wear dark colored clothing

� Pin stripes

o Stand up straight and walk tall

Chapter 17 – Seating Arrangements – where to sit and why

• Rectangular Table positions o Corner position

� People engaged in a friendly, casual conversation • Seated across from each other at one corner of the table • Facing each other

� Allows good eye contact � Opportunity to use and observe gestures � Provides partial barrier � Avoids territorial division of the table � Most successful place to deliver a one-on-one presentation

o The Cooperative Position � Two people thinking alike or working on a task together

• Seated on the same side of the table • Turned 45 degrees toward

� Allows good eye contact � Opportunity for mirroring � To move into this position

• Show something from your own perspective o They don’t have to get up

• If another person is discussing something o The Competitive/Defensive Position

� Sitting across from one another � Creates bad vibes and defensiveness � Decreases the chance of successful persuasion

o The Independent position � Seated at opposite corners on opposite sides of the table � Taken by people when they don’t want to interact with each other � Occurs between strangers

• Square tables o allow everyone to

� take a position � maintain direct eye contact

o Good for short, to-the-point conversations • Round tables

o Creates an equal atmosphere � This is distorted if a high status person sits

• People sitting closer to that person are viewed with more importance • How to switch table territories

o place document on the table � The person will either lean forward, look at it

• take it to their side o This gives you the opportunity to enter their territory

� Taking corner or cooperative position • Leave it where it is

o You will be giving your presentation where you are � They don’t want you on their side � Angle your body away 45 degrees

• Push it back into your territory

Chapter 18 – Interviews, Power plays, and Office Politics

• High-status people always ‘keep their cool’, revealing as little emotion as possible • Nine Keys to making a great first impression

o In the Reception area � Remove outer wear and give to receptionist if possible � Avoid entering an office with arms full of clutter � Always stand, never sit, in the reception area

• Hand-in-Hand behind your back • Slowly rock back and forth on your feet

o The Entry � Walk in without hesitation

• Do not stand in the doorway � Maintain a consistent speed

o The Approach � Walk in, set your things down, shake their hand, take a seat

• Briskly, medium pace with medium strides o The handshake

� Palm straight and return the pressure you receive � Let the other person decide to end the shake � Step to the left of a desk to avoid the Palm Down

• Never shake directly across a desk o When you Sit

� If you are seated across from the person • Angle your chair 45 degrees away

o If you can’t angle the chair, angle yourself o Seating areas

� If it is informal seating area • Never sit in a low sofa

o If you do sit upright on the edge, 45 degrees away o Your gestures

� High status individuals use fewer gestures � Mirror when appropriate

o Distance � Respect the other person’s personal space

o Your Exit � Pack things calmly and deliberately � Shake hands, turn and walk out the door � If the door was closed when you entered close it when you leave � Make sure your shoes are shined

• People watch you leave • If someone keeps you waiting more than 20 minutes they are disorganized or doing a power

play o Always bring something to do to show you are a busy person

• 7 strategies to get the edge o Stand up for meetings o Sit competitors with their backs to the door o Keep your fingers together when you talk o Keep your elbows out or on the arms of your chair o Use power words

� Discovery, guarantee, love, proven, results, save, easy, health, money, new, safety, you

o Carry a slim briefcase o Watch their coat buttons

� Agreement is usually reached when people have their coats unbuttoned