Issue 4April 1 2011

JOURNALThe

Senior Scott Strong poses for “Time” magazine. Strong will be the focus of a feature in “Time” that illuminates courageous youth for his assistance to the blind students at Hutton.

Pauly D DJ’s Prom

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LC administrators recently hired Jer-sey Shore’s Paul “Pauly D” DelVecchio to DJ the senior prom this May. The prom committee, comprised of two oompa loompas named Pooki and Whoopi, begged the school to hire their hero for this year’s masquerade prom. “We just love Pauly so much! He is amazing, and we want to marry him. We figure our chances of becoming his wives will go up now that we’ll get to meet him in person!” said Pooki. “I hope these girls are DTD: Down to Dance,” said Pauly, “and I’m hoping they know how to fist pump like champs. I’m so excited.” Dr. Doozy, Pauly’s agent, said that the Jersey Shore star looks forward to teaching the students how go get jiggy. He said, “We don’t want no wall flowers at this prom. Wall flowers will be kicked outta the hiz-ouse.” The theme of this year’s prom is mas-querade, so everyone will be wearing their most creative sparkly masks. “Oh yeah, sparkles yeah! Sparkles are really what the Jersey Shore’s all about. I wear a sparkly tank top before t-shirt time,” said Pauly, “and Vinny likes to wear spar-kly eyeliner sometimes.” Pauly D gave this advice for proper prom attire: “Don’t come dressed as JWoww, but chicks should stay away from wearing those floo-floo dresses that look like cupcakes. And dudes bet-ter have a t-shirt that’s fresh to death, cuz prom is special, and you gotta wear

a good t-shirt. You can’t walk in to prom wearin’ a nasty shirt and ex-pect everything to be peaches.” “Make sure you go to the gym ev-ery day for a month before prom, cuz you don’t wanna be outta shape when you’re fist pumpin’,” said Pau-ly D. “Then go tanning, cuz it’s not a glow-in-the-dark party. And defi-nitely do your laundry beforehand, cuz smellin’ gross is nasty.” Pauly D fanclub president Henry Slater said, “Pauly! Pauly!” He was unable to finish the interview, as he began jumping up and down and screaming at the top of his lungs. “Pauly’s gonna be a great DJ for LC’s prom,” said Vinny Guadagnino, another star of Jersey Shore and one of Pauly’s friends. “Y’all are gonna be beatin’ up the beat.” The show’s Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola said, “I could care less who DJs your prom.” “I won’t be playing Angelina’s song, though, cuz Angelina’s lame,” Pauly stated in regards to his planned mu-sic selection. “I ain’t got no respect for her, and ‘I’m Hot’ is the worst song I’ve ever heard. It makes my ears bleed.” Pauly’s friend and fellow cast-mate Mike “The Situation” Sor-rentino will not be allowed to at-tend, as the district has asked all students to call the police if they spot him lurking around outside. Pauly has many other gigs lined up. He was hired by the royal family to DJ William and Kate’s exciting April “vow- session” as Pauly refers to it. He is also excited to be an on-call DJ for a hospital in his home town.

by Dr. Clappy Prunepants

Staff therapist and relationship advisor

Pope Benedict blesses DelVecchio’s Italian-based music company

Senior wins Nobelby Czechz Mix Cypro

Nurse Practionerhe Nobel Prize Com-mittee awarded LC se-nior Scott Strong the

Humanitarian Peace Prize earlier this week for saving children in his community on a regular basis. Strong has been keeping young lives safe for the majority of his life. Usually this prize is given out for achievements in the promo-tion of peace, but the Nobel Prize Committee stated that there was no one worthy of receiving the award for such an accomplish-ment this year. “We decided instead to honor a hero whose actions in a particular commu-nity reflected the work of a true global humanit-Aryan (the recipi-

ent needed to exhibit Aryan qual-ities),” said Nobel Prize Commit-tee chairman Thorbjørn Jagland. Strong’s most recent accom-plishment involved leading sev-eral blind Hutton Elementary students to their classrooms last Thursday. “I was parkouring my way to Lincoln Park to put out the forest fire there by myself when I realized that I should help out blind kids instead because chil-dren are our future,” Strong said in a brief interview. Hutton principal Chuck De-marest praised Strong by say-ing, “Kids who can’t find their own classrooms are as good as dead in this type of environ-ment. So yeah, I would say Scott definitely saved a few lives.” This was only one of Strong’s numerous life-saving efforts.

DJ Pauly D hangs with avid admirer, senior Henry Slater who has a room in his house completely dedicated to the DJ. Pauly D will be staying at the Union Gospel Mission.

The Lewis and Clark High School skywalk located over Stevens St. is scheduled for deconstruction over spring break. Beginning on April 2, workers are completely re-moving the skywalk and build-ing an underground tunnel before school resumes April 11. This walkway, conveniently conjoining the main building with the field house, is a ne-cessity to Lewis and Clark High School. Students are worried that without the skywalk, too much time will be wasted ex-iting one building, walking across the street, and then en-tering the other building. Se-nior Alexis Storms said, “In all my years as a tiger, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to always maximize your learning time. Time spent not learning is time spent not well.”

According to designer Arrow Plain, “The main reason we chose to replace the skywalk with a tunnel is because tun-nels are much more mystical and modern. Plus there were just too many complaints about crowdedness in the skywalk and we hope to cre-ate some extra space in this expansive, 3D tunnel.” Senior Cappy Spruance, a defender of the creation of the underground tunnel said, “How many schools do you know with an underground tunnel? Zero. Plus they add a layer of mystery throughout the school day. Where were you? In the magic tunnel.” According to lead contrac-tor, Dr. Channel, “Kids can ex-pect a wild ride through this twisting tunnel.” Each month the tunnel will have a differ-ent theme projected upon the walls, creating a three dimen-sional feel of a tunnel that will go on forever. However,

it will be decorated for school events like the Rubber Chick-en, Homecoming, Prom, and will recognize sports teams as well as theatre productions. Recently, the LC public of-fice has been swarmed with complaints from Spokane citi-zens about the distortion of vision caused by the skywalk. Misty Cloud said, “It is just so stressful when I am driving up Stevens and all my attention is enveloped by that dreadful skywalk. My eyes just won’t focus on nothin’ else.” “Though students claim they’ll miss the city’s only sky-walk in a high school, we are confident that the new fea-tures offered in the Tiger Tun-nel will make up for the remov-al of the outdated skywalk,” said recently hired school staff member and planner of the passageway reconstruction crew, Sparrow Flieshigh. The new tunnel will be complete with motion censored doors.

Skywalk changed to underground tunnel

Construction to begin this Spring

PHOTO CREATED BY CLAPPY PRUNEPANTS

PHOTO BY MICHAEL LEE

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iShakeweight page 4

PHOTO CREATED BY TARTAR POWERS-BEGGS

Senior undergoes gender reassignment surgerypage 5

PHOTO BY SKAUGHT

by Mmaaddiisoonn Ccllaaryy Girl of the Future

Issue 4April 1 2011

¡¿NEWS?!Page 2JOURNALThe

LC science teacher Daniel Corr decided to turn his classroom into a party room, announcing this unexpected decision last week after his entire AP Biology class aced their test. “I just don’t understand how it hap-pened,” Corr said. “That test was so hard I probably wouldn’t even be able to pass it. I think something’s wrong.” According to his 5th peri-od class, he then expressed the need to let off some nervous energy and asked the students for sugges-tions. “He started leaping around the room, saying he couldn’t take the stress of his job anymore,” stu-dent Maggie Martin said. “Someone jokingly sug-gested he have a dance party, because we all know how much he likes to groove. I guess he took it seriously.” Corr asked his students to bring strobe lights, decorations, fruit punch, and their favorite disco tunes to class the next day. He also expressed the desire to bring a dance teacher to class weekly so that students could learn vari-

ous 70s dance moves. He has yet to follow through on that promise. “He showed up wearing this crazy John Travolta ensemble,” student Jimmy Yeltin said. “It was kinda weird, but totally awe-some. Mr. Corr is the coolest.” Dancin’ Dan, as he is now known, re-cently hung a banner over his doorway which reads, “Science Block, Party Block.” Administrators are contemplating taking it

down, as it isn’t techni-cally school affiliated, but they expect a battle from Corr. “He’s passionate about science, so we aren’t entirely sure why he’s dropping it to dance,” Principal Shawn Jordan added. “But we’re con-fident we can bring him back to reality.” When asked to com-ment, Corr said, “Sci-ence schmience! I’m lettin’ loose!” He made no reply to further ques-tions, instead screaming at the top of his lungs that he was a “party ani-mal,” jumping on top of his lab counter and do-ing the hustle.

Corr sent a memo out asking for other teachers to “join in on the fun,” but has so far heard back only from Mr. Cubley, who will be attending the room’s homecoming dance next week.

According to Principle Shawn Jordan, Woodland Park Zoo will provide a Bengal Tiger at the next con to support our own tigers on March 25, the only thing stop-ping is the school and students concern for safety hazards. Bengal tiger trainer Galina Malakhova and her trusty feline Rajah have been working at the Woodland Park Zoo in Se-attle WA for 6 years. Some days they are soaking up the attention from thousands of fans, while other days, they train for the Al Chymia Shrine Circus at the Agricenter Showplace arena in Cordova, Tennessee. “Rajah has a great personality and loves the attention,” said Malakhova. Many stu-dents believe that having a live tiger at the con would be a great experience and a lot of fun. Senior Josh Ullock said, “Even though I enjoy most of the cons, they sometimes repeat themselves. And I think this would be something new and exciting.” Not everyone feels that having a live tiger at the con will be beneficial. In some cases a tiger has mauled its trainer, but that is very unlikely to happen. So unlikely that there is not a statistic to even show how many times it has occurred in the past, ac-cording to Jordan. “I love the fact that LC is trying to make

our cons more entertaining and exciting for the students but I know many people, including myself, that are deathly afraid of tigers and I don’t think they should remind certain students of their fears,” said soph-omore Marie Allens. Dr. Emil Hofstadter, therapist at Spo-kane Psychology and Neurology, mentions that even though some students could be ‘deathly afraid’ of tigers, it would not do any damage. “What students don’t realize is even when you do not admit to it; ev-eryone will be scared of that tiger when it enters the room. It is one thing when they are behind a big brass fence in a zoo and then in the middle of the gym on a leash.” No state law states that a trainer cannot bring their tiger to a school con. Rules ex-ist that they have to abide by, like making sure they had a bath that morning so there would be no chance of fleas, the need to be fed, physical back up assistants on hand, and of course more than one person actually controlling the tiger. “I became a trainer to show the world how gentle these animals really are. I un-derstand concern on safety but I strongly believe this would be a great thing for LC. Especially since they are the LC Tigers,” said Malakhova. As Jordan, staff members, and students, continue to debate about whether or not to bring in a live tiger. A public meeting to discuss the issue will be held on March 20, in the auditorium at 5:30.

Sarah Palin declared President Barack Obama’s dog, Bo, a socialist in an apperance on Fox News. Palin cited his European heritage and connections to the Obama Family as reasons for her belief in his socialism. “Bo is an obvious socialist; his breed was intended from day one to enter the White House and convert us to socialism,” said Palin. Bo is a Portuguese Water Dog. The Obamas chose a Portuguese Water dog because of its hypoallergenic qualities. “Portuguese are well known for being vivacious socialists; it is my belief that that dirty excuse for a dog is destined to continue this stereotype,” said Palin. Prime Minister of Russia Vladimir Putin came forth later in the day and admitted that he had indeed persuaded Obama to adopt a socialist dog. Putin has also recently adopted a dog named Buffy. Putin says it is all part of his plan to use

dogs to reinforce and develop Socialist rule. “I have recently gifted China’s president Hu Jintao with a genetically enhanced Pekingese that is also socialist,” said Putin. Obama refuted the claims and said, “Bo is not a socialist dog; any accusations are completely and utterly false and have no backing.” This definitive statement didn’t stop Tea Party activists from promptly protesting about having a socialist dog in the White House. “It is an insult to our God given rights to have this dirty socialist gasbag elitist of a dog to be up in our most sacred building,” said Tea Party activist Cletus Dortom. Bo is a pure-bred and has been valued at $1,600. “I don’t want a pure bred dog in our government, I want a mongrel, a mutt, I don’t have, a pure bred dog, I can’t even tell if my dogs a dog anymore, that’s how much of a mutt it is,” said Dortom. Politicians Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly and Sharron Angle have already pledged support to the newly founded “No Socialist Dogs in the White House Foundation of Foundationess.” The foundation asks for donations to help the cause of keeping socialist dogs out of the White House. “At first people thought we were slurring the president, this isn’t the case, this is merely a valiant effort to keep this dirty scumbag of a dog out of the White House; if we were slurring the president it would be much less intellectual obviously,” said Angle. Doctor Jake “Buddy” Deogi agrees with President Obama, saying that it is not possible for a dog to be socialist because of their lack of brain areas associated with political beliefs. Research by the Animal Socialist Committee that was ordered after a lack of dog socialists in the country also came to the same conclusion. “It is simply and completely impossible for a dog to have a political affiliation, much like a dog can’t grip a tennis racket because it doesn’t have an opposable thumb, a dog can’t be a socialist because it doesn’t have the specific area in its brain necessary for it,” said Deogi.

Science teacher changes his groove

by Clappy PrunepantsStaff thereapist andrelationship advisor

Palin declares Obama’s dog socialist

Science teacher Daniel Corr, or Dancin’ Dan, lets loose and changes his room into a party room for him and his students.

PHOTO BY CLAPPY PRUNEPANTS

Tiger trainer Galina Malakhova and her Bengal tiger, Rajah, might appear in the next con. A public meeting will decide if they will perform on March 25.

Zoo will providelive Bengal Tiger at

the next LC con

by Austin Powers BeggsDinowrangler

President Obama’s dog is presented here with Karl Marx’s body to show its socialistness.

by Riley FergieBAAM!

PHOTO BY AUSTIN POWERS BEGGS

PHOTO COURTESY OF THE INTERNETEDITED BY COOLIO MARCO PINATA

Issue 4April 1 2011

NewtsPage 3

Kugler gives birth to alien baby!

Dr. DoLittleTiger Whisperer

Mmaaddiisoonn “Zenon” Ccllaaryy Girl of the 21st Century

English teacher Roger Kugler is expects to give birth to an alien baby on April 20. He will continue teaching his English classes despite warnings from doctors. According to Kugler’s English class, he started to show weird symptoms that caused panic in the room. Sophomore Erin Muat said, “His eyes started to glow bright red and his skin started to change color.” “It was all so sudden, I didn’t know what to do,” said sophomore Aidan Griffith. “He also started to throw up, and the vomit fizzled. It was disgusting.”

“His mood affects his color change, so it’s a

really great way to tell if he’s mad or not.”

A student from his class called the emergency hotline and Kugler was rushed to the best doctor in America, Dr. Gregory House. Dr. House did several tests to determine what was happening with Kugler.

House said, “It’s not Lupus! Obviously, his ever so growing belly suggests that an alien baby is forming by his stomach.” Kugler stayed in the hospital for a few weeks to rest and alleviate his symptoms.

After resting in the hospital, Kugler continued teaching despite the occasional color change and his growing stomach. “I won’t let an alien baby stop me from teaching English,” said Kugler. “My

students need me and I can teach.” Kugler does not know how he got pregnant with an extraterrestrial life form. Kugler said, “I don’t know how this baby got in me. It was just there one morning.” LC students have gotten used to Kugler’s changes and eccentric choices of food. “Mr. Kugler started to bring weird combination of foods like, mac and cheese with squid and lobsters with blueberry bagels,” said senior Sarah Wood. “We also found out that his mood affects his color change, so it’s really great way to tell if he’s mad or not.” Senior Daniel Daigen said, “It’s funny how we can’t tell what he will eat. It’s always so random. We even started a game where we guess what Mr. Kugler will eat today.” Kugler has not thought of a name for his baby but his students have started to plan his baby shower. “I don’t really know what to buy an alien baby, but I bet WsdakkwЎ will be so happy with my gifts!” said junior Mary Glau. Kugler visits the hospital for weekly check-ups. “Dr. House said that my baby can either explode out of my stomach or eat through my body,” said Kugler. “I’m really excited for this baby and we hope we have a safe delivery.”

Coolio Marco PiñataNewts Editor

English teacher Roger Kugler is unsure about how he became impregnated.

Fast food restaurants now nutrition centers

In an effort to create a healthier high school community, the city of Spokane has set into motion the “Help Fight Back” program. The program was designed to cut back the fat and caloric intake of our city’s high school students by taking out every fast food restaurant within a one mile radius of every high school in Spokane. The fast food joints will be moved elsewhere while vegetable and fruit gardens, nutrition education centers and small gyms will take their place. The leading motivation behind the program is the quickly growing child and teenage obesity rate in America. In the documentary, “Supersize Me” Morgan Spurlock said that one in four people visit a fast food restaurant every day. We as a nation are trying to change that statistic. “Kids are going to rebel,” said junior Annalise Little. “It’s not going to be pretty, and it will definitely end in disaster.” One of Washington’s goals as a state is to have a lower obesity rate than we have had in the past. By changing the eating habits of our city’s teens, other cities and states will hopefully follow suit. According to Governor Christine Gregoire, “It could start with us.” Three vegetable, fruit and nutrition

companies including Spokane Produce Inc, Walter’s Fruit Ranch in Mead and Huckleberries Natural Market have come together to form seven all-natural and nutritional gardens around Spokane high schools. The varying produce grown in these gardens year-round will be sold by Dr. Jill Dolot in a shop accompanied by the gardens to only Spokane highschoolers. Nutrition education classes in the LC area are taught by Dr. Jonathon Smartz in a portable classroom next to the garden and in market areas during lunch and after school. The gyms, one per high school, will be open before and after school. In the LC gym, one fitness education class is taught by Dr. Sir Muscles during lunch about the importance of a fit and healthy body. “It’s a good idea, but some kids aren’t going to like it,” said freshman Bridgette Olsen. “If you take away a teenager’s lunch, they might eat you instead.” The fast food restaurants that are being moved out are not disappearing forever. They are being rebuilt in local malls, fast food strips and places out of the one mile radius boundary of the high schools. “Upperclassmen are going to drive out of their way just to get to a fast food joint,” said Olsen. “It might just cause students to be late instead of healthy.”

Cheetah Girls reunite

Most remember super stars Kiely Williams, Adrienne Bailon, Sabrina Bryan and Raven-Symoné for their outstanding performance in the Disney Channel Original Movie Series “The Cheetah Girls.” These ladies have reunited for a seven month remembrance tour. Mega-fan, senior Katie Sell was ecstatic when she heard the news. She said, “The Cheetah Girls have brought so much joy into so many people’s lives that I think it’s important we go back and relive that joy.” Due to artistic differences, the original Cheetah Girls group underwent some major changes. Raven was not invited back to join the ladies in their third motion picture, “The Cheetah Girls: One World” in 2008. According to Bailon, better known as Chanel, “All the girls were just having lots of problems with Raven. Problems like repeatedly shouting phrases similar

to ‘Show me some love’ during our concerts, chasing crew members around set with her various jell-o dishes and constantly starting physical confrontations in our crazy cheetah jungle.” Cheetah Girl Dorinda, played by Bryan, the group peace-keeper, said, “I’m so psyched for Raven’s weekly barbeques. Cheetah sista’s got a passion for food, but keeps us girls in shape. I’ve been missing that since she’s been away.” Raven said, “Yeah, the girls are pretty lucky to have me back. I had to take some time off, for Raven, you know, to work on my solo career. But I guess, to put it lightly, that little venture has drawn to a quick close…or at least an intermission.” The song line-up for this tour includes songs from each of the movies, like fan-favorite “Cinderella.” Sell said, “I really like that song because I can totally relate, because my cellar’s really dusty.” “I sure did visit Spokane, WA,” said Raven. “Ya’ll were such a fantastic audience at the Spokane County Fair. I didn’t really have the means to provide an extensive set, so I asked my audience members to visualize all those fancy shmancy bells and whistles around them. Raven doesn’t have the same budget she used to, so ya’ll were real sweet, agreeing to pretend with me.” And good news, Spokanites: the cheetalicious concert will “Strut” right into our very own Spokane Arena this July. Sell said, “Although every day is a Cheetah Girls day, this one is especially special.” She plans on having her hair and makeup done professionally and will host both a pre- and after-party. Get ready for a little “pavement pounding” because Raven-Symoné and The Cheetah Girls are back with more “growl power” than ever before.

The city of Spokane is setting the “Help Fight Back” program into place by tear-ing down fast food joints around area high schools including Lewis and Clark.

PHOTO BY DR. LITTLE

PHOTO BY COOLIO MARCO PINATA AND DR. PROFESSOR DAN

PHOTO COURTESY OF THE INTERNET

Issue 4 April1 2011

CreaturesNicCage 4JOURNALThe

by Tartar Powers-BeggsDoctor

LC will be hosting its first annual “Bring Your Cat to School Day” on April 15. The idea was first suggested by a few sopho-mores. “LC’s mascot is a tiger, so why not bring your cat to school?” sophomore Claire Rave said. “It’s like, cats are little tiny versions of tigers, and since they obviously won’t let us bring our tigers to class, a cat is a great alternative.” On the other hand, students with aller-gies, or those with a strong hatred that runs deep in their veins for cats, have begun to protest, feeling that it is not fair that kids get an opportunity to bring pets to school. “I have an extremely large range of allergies, from apples to zebras,” said senior Jacob Jean, “So when kids just suddenly think that bringing their pets to school is a great idea, I have an idea that the rest of us will be reaching for our aller-gy and anxiety meds as the animals begin to invade our precious school.” The administration has been extremely reluctant when it comes to making this decision. “We feel that both sides have extremely valid points, but in the end, we feel that if the right measures are taken, and both sides begin to compromise, we will be able to have a smooth and success-ful cat day,” said administration assistant Fran Frizzlebuttons. “This is really pointless,” said freshman Jimmy John. “We don’t go to school so that we can bring our cats here. What is next, bring your mom to school week? Bring every pair of jeans you’ve ever worn to school day?”

by Bridgette Olsen The Third Olsen Twin

LC’s own Dream Weavers Construction Club (DWCC) announced their building plans for an addition of a fourth floor for the reconstruction of the pool last month. DWCC has been planning the project since the beginning of the year and expects that future members of DWCC will finish the project by 2021. The club meets on Saturday mornings at seven and has four members total. “I am so proud of these kids for pursuing this endeavor,” said club advisor and wood-shop teacher Lowe Lumber, “Working with raw materials such as this is great. I have lost four fingers on my left hand be-cause of building, but I still love it. I hope the kids will progressively be as dedicated to construction as I was at their age.” The club has faced some problems in the planning of the addition. Structural integ-rity and gathering the materials has been a struggle for the DWCC. “We can only use what we find or have donated to us,” said president and se-nior Bob LeBuilder, “which means find-ing building materials from the old LC or snagging bricks from here or there when no one is looking.” Some teachers with rooms on the third floor have apprehension about the proj-ect. “I’m worried about the ceiling leak-ing on all of my lab equipment,” said sci-ence department head Isaac Darwin, “The noise is also a concern for me. How am I supposed to dissect with precision if there are rowdy kids romping in water above me? Don’t get me wrong; H2O is my fa-vorite molecule, but not when contami-

Apple’s CEO Steve Jobs introduced Apple’s version of the popular Shakeweight workout device dubbed the iShakeweight on Feb. 26. 2011, Apple’s version touts a Tom-Tom like audio track function to encourage consumers in their workouts and insertable weights to increase the intensity of workouts. “I am tremendously excited about this new product, first off, it’s made by Apple and second off, it’s made by Apple,” said junior Jaque Prepsalot. One of the features that Jobs is especially proud of is the audio track function. It allows users to select from a vast database of audio tracks that change according to how their workout has improved. “Who wouldn’t want Morgan Freeman praising you after an especially hard workout,” said Jobs. Numerous celebrities have already announced that they have begun recording their respective voice tracks. Celebrities that are finished recording include Bill Cosby, Tiger Woods, Amy Winehouse, David Hasslehoff and Reba McEntire. Apple has also introduced a revolutionary new weight change function. The function allows users to add additional weights into a space dubbed “the holding bay” to increase workout intensity. “One of the primary criticism of the Shakeweight was that it was the same workout every day and didn’t increase in intensity, now with our new holding bay system it is possible to keep getting that intense workout,” said Jobs. After numerous studies, Dr. Bribe Salot has concluded that the iShakeweight is one

by Kate MiddletonQueen of Sports

of if not the most efficient ways to workout in your own living room. The iShakeweight utilizes revolutionary iDynamicInertia technology to target the muscles of the arm. Although he was unable to name a specific study, Dr. Salot said, “We have numerous studies that conclude that the iShakeweight is the most revolutionary workout device to ever hit the market.” The idea to make Apple’s own version of the Shakeweight came to creation after the massive pop culture explosion that resulted after the Shakeweight commercial went viral. “We saw that everybody knew what a Shakeweight was; we have heavily analyzed the commercial and still have no idea why people buy it. Then again, we don’t know why people buy half of our products anyways,” said Australian Apple Spokeswoman Fiona Martin. The makers of the Shakeweight have promptly filed a copyright infringement claim arguing that the iShakeweight intentionally tries to siphon off sales from the Shakeweight by using a similar name. Apple has successfully convinced the judge to allow them to sell the iShakeweight while the case is processing. “We have no qualms that we may lose this case, we’ve put I in front of things before and have never lost, needless to say, we’re very confident,” said Larson Rite, a lawyer for Apple. The iShakeweight is slated for release Fall 2011 at a tentative price of $175. The 3G version will be released Spring 2012 and will cost $225. “I’m waiting till the 3G version, it really wouldn’t be worth it until then,” said Prepsalot.

nated by smelly teenagers.” Health teachers also cringe when the topic of sanitation is breeched. “It will not be possible to pass health codes. Plus, I like to see the kids sweat. I can’t tell if they are working hard enough if ev-eryone’s sweat is mixed with the water they swim in,” said health teacher Dokter Kleen “it’s simply revolting.” The fourth floor will provide space for the pool, locker rooms, athletic offices and additional storage. Members of the club seem more optimistic about the de-velopment.“You’ll think it’s incredibly cool to have a pool,” said Leth Argic. Argic’s other hob-bies, besides architecture, include rhym-ing. “I am the visionary of the team. When people don’t like my ideas, I scream.” Some community members in LC recall the pool that was previously in the Field House. “I remember when we had a pool back in the sixties. It will be a great re-addition my school that I am proud to say that I have been attending since 1962. I never want to leave!” said super senior Vieil Homme. “I just want to give back to my school by building this.” Homme plans to remain at LC until the project is complete. “I am glad that I can rely on Homme to finish the structure with me,” said Lumber, “Despite him be-ing older than I am, he is a pretty reliable guy.” DWCC knows that they have a huge task at hand, both physically and mentally. The club has shown their interest in ob-taining more people to help. To obtain more information, visit their club page on the LC website.

Open Every Day: 11 AM - 9 PM Sat & Sun: 8 AM - 9PM - Breakfast served till 2:30 PM

29th Avenue just west of Regal • 509-536-4745

wirelessdining

LC hosts “Bring Your Cat to School Day”

Jobs releases audio exercise weight “This is really just waste of money, time

and energy. Keep your cats home, and go back to learning. Your cat won’t miss you that much,” said John. Protests outside of the school have be-gun forming in groups of hundreds, as kids begin to really voice their opinions. “I had two kids come to class today,” said junior science teacher Paul Purple, “and at the rate the protests are sucking up my stu-dents, the two I had today will be out with signs tomorrow.” “Having any animal at school is both a health and social hazard,”said Dr. Spanky Sparklepants, an expert on animal science. “Some kids are terrified of cats, and oth-er kids are allergic, and even if cats were contained within a special room, or cages, that would defy the point of bringing a cat to school, so I honestly recommend may-be having a cat day on a Saturday, and get-ting all of your weird cat friends together.” The administration has tried to stop the protesting by telling the students that they have the chance to vote online to give their say in the matter. If you have an opinion on the matter, go online to LClikeskitties.com, and the staff will review all of the votes. Voting closes on April 10.

Pool on LC’s fourth floor

PHOTO BY TARTAR POWERS-BEGGS

PHOTO COURTESY OF INTERNET

Issue 4April 2011

FeaturesPage 5

LC English teacher Jennifer Showalter is expecting, but she has more than just one bundle of joy to look forward to. Showalter is the next octo-mom! Yes, that’s right, Showalter has eight buns in the oven. She found out about her pregnancy over Thanksgiving break. After her first doctor’s visit she was ecstatic, but her mood quickly changed when the doctor detected eight heartbeats at her second visit. “I wasn’t sure how to tell her that her baby would be born with eight hearts,” said Showalter’s doctor Oswald Oct, MD., “but after some further investigation, I figured that there must be eight babies instead of one.” When Showalter found out about her octo-news, she said, “I was overwhelmed and I started knitting hammocks to store them in.” According to abcnews.com, Showalter should expect a team of over 30 doctors to deliver her babies since the procedure is complicated. If her stomach does not explode prior to her due date in July, Showalter will have to endure eight weeks of bed rest and a diet of marshmallows and tofu. Moreover, Showalter wasted no time in alerting the media. “I called TLC to see if they wanted to a reality show on my story,” she said. TLC agreed to put Showalter on the air in hopes of rekindling the baby buzz they lost when “John and Kate plus 8” ended. Let’s face it: their alternative that ran after John left the show, “Kate plus 8,” was an abomination. Showalter wants to change the negative image of octo-moms everywhere, “I want people to focus less on the California octo-mom Nadya Suleman and more on the Kate Gosslin types,” she said, “I want to be just like her.” The new show will be called Kevin and Jen plus 10. Janie, Showalter’s Dr.

Showalter next octo-mom

Pepper obsessed four-year-old daughter, Ocho-Pero, their dog, plus the eight new additions will make Showalter and her husband Kevin a family of twelve. “I am hoping that we can save money

on airline tickets since we have to buy them by the dozen now,” Showalter said, “do you think TLC might give us a private jet?”

Raising eight babies and a four-year- old

will be quite expensive for Showalter and her husband. According to abcnews.com it will cost them a whopping $200,000 just to prepare for the birth of their new children. Unfortunately we were unable to obtain any interviews with Kevin Showalter since this statistic temporarily put him into a shock induced coma. On a teacher’s salary, the Showalters are expected to go bankrupt within five weeks .after the delivery. They are accepting donations in the form of diapers and cash.

by T-Rex Storm Trooper

Polaroid Specialist

After much discussion amongst the LC school board, the board has decided to switch LC to a “closed campus” at lunch. The closed campus ruling enables students to go outside during lunch, but prohibits them from leaving the school grounds. The new limits set for the lunch break includes the school grounds and designated student parking areas. “We have had multiple complaints from anonymous officials that LC students are too rambunctious during the lunch hour while off campus,” said school board member Alicia Jane. “It is to our much dismay that we have to take away the open campus policy, but we have little to no control over students when they are off campus during lunch, and given the amount of complaints and abuse, we have no choice but to close the campus boundaries.” For some students, like sophomore Michael Stevencarl, this decision is very upsetting. “I feel like the students should have been able to have a vote in this,” said Stevencarl. “We weren’t given any warnings, or anything, it just isn’t fair.” For other students, the decision doesn’t bother them. “I eat lunch every day on campus,” says senior Taylor Bamblefly, “and I have every day since I was a freshman. I don’t see why we need open campus, other schools in Spokane don’t have it, I think we can survive.” “I think that open campus was an important feature to LC,” says Counselor of Student Affairs Dr. Caroline Goatly, “and I believe that it gave students a certain freedom that made school seem more friendly and inviting and not so much like a controlling, forceful environment. However, we have had many complaints of students being obnoxious off campus, and many students have also abused open campus. I think it’s important for students to remember that open campus is a privilege and not a right. Some conspiracy theories are floating around the student body regarding this decision. “I think that they closed campus so that students will be forced to buy the school’s food, giving the school more money,” said Freshman Amy Sandstorm. “I think that closing campus at lunch is the best decision LC has ever made,” said Junior Sandy Hebble. “People always leave at lunch to go do drugs and smoke, and maybe closing campus will decrease the amount of people abusing drugs at school.” The date that the new closed campus policy will be enforced is still being discussed.

LC closes campus!

by Emmadog McParkinson

Staff Writer

Senior Scott Strong, now Scarlett Strong, decided to undergo gender reassignment surgery in late March. Strong is extremely excited to show the results to the entire school! Strong has been waiting his entire life for this moment. He just had to wait until Nov. 22, 2010 to turn 18. “Scott, I mean Scarlett, was just waiting until he had access to his

Senior decides to change gender

by Peachy Keen Schmidt

Beautification Processor

Strong’s parents feel that Dr. Girlyboy Mixagender did an amazing job in mak-ing Scarlett Strong a perfect replica of Britney Spears.

Above, Englsih teacher Jennifer Showalter is expected to produce octuplets by the end of April. She is in need of baby food, cradles and diapers. Any contributions will be of much help! Contact her in room 019.

To the left, Showalter’s daugh-ter Janie is preparing to teach the Newspaper class at LC next year. Showalter will be too busy caring for her octuplets. Four-year-old Janie is more than excited for the experience.

PHOTO BY STORMY MORGAN

trust fund money,” said mother Susan Strong. “We were hoping he would use the trust fund for college, but we are just happy he is using the money for something he wants to be,” said father Blair Strong. Strong’s parents are somewhat worried about how he is going to pay for his college. Scarlett’s reconstructive surgeon Dr. Girlyboy Mixagender feels the surgery went extremely well. “I love helping people become who they really are,” said Dr. Mixagender. Dr. Mixagender is ranked number one in the nation for gender reassignment surgery. Scarlett may not even go to college. She has recently been debating about going to cosmetology school. “It has always been a real passion of mine, I just have never been able to express it,” said Strong. Scarlett wishes she could have had this surgery earlier in the year so she could have competed with the girls cross country team. “I feel that I could have helped the team a lot this year,” said Strong. According to senior Henry Slater, Strong’s friends are more than excited for her now that she has become who she really wants to be. “Scott confided in me a few years ago about his want for this surgery and I told him to go for it! There is no point in living life not being who you want to be,” said Slater. Other friends are having a harder time with the transition. “You know it’s kind of weird looking at a girl now instead of a boy, but it’s still the same brain in there so I guess I will get used to it,” said Strong’s best friend, senior Kevin Grow. Scarlett cannot wait to come back from Spring Break to show off his new looks.

“I think I’m going to make an awesome entrance with a cute spring dress and some classy heals. I have been practicing to walk in them for months,” said Strong. Senior Nick Cypro is nervous about his friend’s return. “In today’s society you have no idea how people will react to this surgery. Some might think it is an awesome idea, while some might discriminate against it,” said Cypro. “I just don’t want my friend to get hurt.” Strong has confidence about his new appearance. “I’m the same person, I just have a different body, I don’t know why people wouldn’t accept me after my surgery,” said Strong. “It takes a lot of guts to be who you really are. I am so proud of Scarlett for showing her true colors,” said Susan Strong. Strong is expected to arrive back at school the Monday after Spring Break is over. He hopes that all of the LC Tigers to welcome her with open arms!

LC campus is completely deserted since the closing of the school. Students are not allowed on campus.

PHOTO EDITED BY SKAUGHT

PHOTO BY EMMADOG MCPARKINSON

COURTESY OF SHOWALTER

Issue 4April 1 2011

FeachuresPage 6

Five LC band members create THE MEGA INSTRUMENT

A group of LC band members came together at the beginning of the year to construct a mega-instrument they call the “dominsymphone” (master of together sounds). The new, student-made, instrument contains segments from 14 different woodwind and brass horns including the trumpet, trombone, French horn, tuba, clarinet, bassoon, oboe and all of their variations. The dominsymphone requires five people playing at once: two brass players, one non-reed, single-reed and double-reed player. Each instrumentalist has at least two instruments to play at the same time. The five musicians are senior Jasmine Sharifi, senior Teslin MacLaren, senior Rebecca Van Halder, sophomore Jo Johnson and freshman Ashley Pyle. “We soldered the instruments together and used our mad geometry skills to angle and align the keys, body and the slide correctly,” said Pyle. “We also had to use additional materials to build the bell. That

was the hardest part.” The overall sound of the dominsymphone comes out of a bell on the top of the morphed instrument constructed by the wood, metal and silver that the original instruments were composed from. The dominsymphone weighs about 300 pounds and is about four and a half feet from the ground to the top of the bell. “It took a while to generate the blueprints for it,” said Van Halder. “We had

to pull together over $5,000 in donations, fundraisers and money out of our own pockets to purchase the second hand instruments and required materials.” An estimated value of the completed dominsymphone ranges anywhere from $100,000 to $500,000 as a result of its ingenuity and uniqueness. “We plan to make more of them, and teach others how awesome it is,” said Sharifi. “We could even make a business out of it!”

Since the single musicians are responsible for playing more than one instrument at any given time, he or she is required to play with both hands and feet at all times, occasionally having to grow a limb or two when things get rough. “The hardest thing about playing multiple instruments at one time is learning to play with your feet,” said Johnson. “Took months to perfect!” When you blow into a mouthpiece on the dominsymphone, airflow is distributed through valves and necks making it possible to play two or three instruments simultaneously. While one brass player is playing the trombone and trumpet, the second player could be playing the baritone, tuba and French horn. “I’ve got to hand it to these kids,” said LC music instructor Daniel Nord. “They are very bright and they all know what they are doing.” “For me, the hardest part of the whole process was learning to play different partials at the same time,” said MacLaren. “Eventually, I learned how to manipulate to lips in such a way that I never have to worry about it anymore. I can be playing a high C on the trombone, while playing a low G on the French horn.

by Dr. DoLittleTiger Whisperer

Julio Pineda is an

immortal being

LC sophomore Julio Marco Pineda is be-lieved to have managed the seemingly im-possible feat of immortality. After a scien-tific analysis of all LC students photos from the past two years in order to study the effects of aging on teen-agers, Dr. Johan Blorjans, a Norwegian aging scien-tists has declared after studying Pineda’s student pictures from sophomore and freshman year, that Pineda cannot and will never age.This lack of ageing is usu-ally attributed to mythi-cal creatures such as vampires and actual ani-mals such as jellyfish. The feat was thought to be impossible by most peo-ple including scientistsBut after the photo analysis and a DNA test, Pineda may never escape from his mortal coils. “This discovery is some-thing I’ve thought about since my parents re-vealed that I was born as a five foot six inch baby and remained at the height for my entire life,” said Pineda. “I’ve always looked this way I don’t remember looking any differently.” This irregularity is caused by a gentic problem that constantly resupplies the amount of teratride in the body. Teratride is what keeps the DNA from unraveling in cells and after a while it slowly wears down, stopping the cell from replicating. Pineda’s body apparently has managed to

constantly produce teratride through the usually underused appendix. “This ability of being able to pro-duce large amounts of teratride has been previously thought to be possible if not highly, highly, highly, highly unlikely,” said BlorjansThis ability has been found in many other so-called immortal animals such as the North Yakimentao Sea Jellyfish which was

discovered in 2003 and some pacific sea turtles which scientists believe in a germ and disease free environment could live forever. However the recent dis-covery has lead to some negative effects. For ex-ample, Pineda has be-come an overnight celeb-rity appearing on several televisions shows as well as developing a terrible addiction to children’s Tylenol in order to cope with the fame. “It’s been a wild ride,” said PinedaPineda has also experi-enced death threats from some who view his im-mortality as a supernatu-ral threat to the human

race. Popular conservative talk radio host George Westrighten has led the recent charge against Pineda calling him “an im-mortal insidious communist vampire who due to his inability to experience humanity from a first person perspective has a total lack of disregard for human life.”However Pineda has viewed this condition as a blessing not a curse.“It’s just the way I am,” said Pineda. “It has really helped me experience the world in a whole new way. “

by Nadia SfrigJulio Marcopinions Editor

PHOTO BY HENRY SLAYER

Sophomore Julio Pineda plans on becoming a super hero after high school instead of going to college.

After buying out the school, Google plans on using product placement for their internet browser, Google Chrome, in the new GHS welcome sign.

PHOTO BY DR. PROFESSOR DAN DÄIGEN

The school budget crisis has been solved. Google has made an offer to cover all the expenses of Lewis and Clark, but requires the name to be changed to Google. Several other restrictions apply as well. The district accepted this offer and the implementation will take place next school year. Students and faculty members have mixed opinions about this change. Senior Bing Micro said, “I think it’s unfair to limit what sources we can use in our schools. I like using the Bing search engine better since it has my name in it. Now we can’t use any other site without getting suspended, its blasphemy!” Another student, junior Riley Search said, “I liked the old name of the school, it was classic and had meaning. Now I feel that we’re just another sell out who caved in to a big corporation.” Having the name changed and the school funded by Google TM will have unforeseen consequences, like what teachers are allowed to say and resources they can use. The school board and district thoroughly consider all options and voted that the Google offer was the best and they accepted. Sophomore science teacher, Steve Comp said, “It’s great that Google has bought out the school, we can finally afford decent materials and lab equipment. This is the

best thing since sliced bread.” Members from the community are unsure of how to proceed. Dr. Martin Print said, “This will destroy the independence of the school. They will have no say in any large decisions and the district education board will be rendered useless next to the powerhouse that is the Google school board.” A representative from Google released a statement saying: “Google is committed to furthering the accomplishments of Google High School and its students, but will not infringe upon the significant decisions made by the district. Google will be a present force concerning the school and will however expect it to abide by certain agreements and standards.” Google claims that it has donated generously for the benefit of education in Spokane. They do not want to cause any conflicts in the community. Other corporations are following in Google’s example. Apple TM Computers has approached a large public school in New York and Coca Cola has bought the rights to name a school in Texas. “Times change and schools are in need of money that the state simply cannot provide,” said Congressmen Rich McDonald. “I support corporate funding and I believe that it will do much more good for the school.” The new name of LC will come under both scrutiny and praise. No one can predict what the future for Google High School will hold, but it is safe to guess that it will have google possibilities (and you can Google what that means.)

by Gilly BarStaff Writer

LC to be renamedGoogle High this fall

Other instruments must be removed from the premises in the presence of THE MEGA INSTRUMENT in order to avoid the high levels of awesomeness radiation.

PHOTO BY DR. DOLITTLE

Issue 4April 1 2011

SPÖRTSPage 7

JOURNALThe

by Peachy Keen SchmidtBeautification Processor

Pineda recieves more cred on the street

LC Sophomore and international basketball superstar Julio Marco Pineda has decided to give up his NCAA eligibility in order to enter the 2011 NBA draft. “I love basketball so gosh darn much,” said Pineda. Pineda moved to the United States two years ago from the Philippines to chase his dreams of playing professional ball. He is expected to be drafted in the first round near the top. The 5’6” Pineda will be the second shortest person to ever play in the NBA, just taller than 5’5” Earl Boykins. “Julio Marco’s speed and agility are mind-blowing!” said sophomore Kate Dinnison. Many locals have not heard of Pineda, due to the fact that he never played basketball for LC. “I chose to work with

my private trainer over playing on the high school team so that I could greater hone my skills,” said Pineda. His trainer, who prefers to go by “Trainer X” as not to reveal his true identity, has trained Spokanite greats such as Rodney Stuckey, John Stockton, Adam Morrison and Eric Coleman. Pineda’s trainer played professional Basketball in Europe for 35 years. He decided to settle in Spokane after being exiled from his home land, Czechoslovakia, due to lingering burglary and arson charges from the 1980s. He came to America to make a new start. Pineda hopes to be drafted by the Phoenix suns, mostly because Steve Nash is his idol. Pineda relates to Nash. “We are both undersized for the NBA. We are both not originally from America. We just have a lot in common and he’s really classy,” said Pineda. Phoenix is also home to some of the warmest weather around. “I got to get my GTL on,” said Pineda, “If I don’t have to pay for the T, then thats money I could be putting towards my snow globe collection.” Pineda has been collecting wintery spheres since he was five. His father, Larry Bird, would bring him souvenir snow globes from all over the planet during his NBA playing career. Pineda’s favorite is one from French Lick, Indiana, his father’s home town and reason behind the nickname, “The Hick From French Lick.” One day, Pineda hopes to wear that title. “Being called The Hick From French Lick Jr. would be such an honor,” said Pineda, “I know my Pop Pop would be proud. It would be quite a treat for him.” Giving his “Pop Pop” a treat is all any boy wants to do. The future looks almost as bright as the sun in Phoenix for Pineda. Once he is drafted on June 23, he will be off and running with the big dogs. For now a lone wolf, forever a baller, Julio Marco Pineda brings unrivaled excitement to the game.

by Sarah “Tiger” Wood“s”Assistant to the Editor-in-Chief

Julio Marce Pineda wears his idol, Dwyane Wade’s, jersey at prac-tice to heighten his intensity.

PHOTO BY SARAH “TIGER” WOOD”S”

Card house“stackletes” go for gold

Tryouts are supposed to be extremely competitive according to senior Sierra Jackowich. She chose not to join the card building club, but be coached by her dad instead. “It is all about winning, and I don’t feel I can do that if I’m distracted by other students,” said Jackowich. Jackowich is working hard to balance card building, school and track. “I might have to give up track my senior year just so I can qualify for the summer Olympics,” said Jackowich. “I have never wanted something more in my life.” Some teachers feel the card building is getting out of hand. “I am afraid the students will become too competitive and it will rip the school apart,” said English teacher Jennifer Showalter. Parents are excited for their children. “This gives Henry an opportunity to do something great with his life,” said father of Henry, Charlie Slater. “He can finally get recognized for his true talent.” To truly succeed in the summer Olympics, students must read a Dr. Seuss book every day according to cardbuilders.com. This will help broaden the student’s imagination to build the most creative card houses possible. Tryouts will be held at the convention center on April 23, 2011. You can sign up by visiting www.cardhousebuildersolympics2012.com.Make sure to send a picture of your best card house. Spots will fill up fast and are very hard to get, so better get started on building your house!

“Card House Building” was officially named an Olympic sport March 26, 2011. The sport will be played at the summer 2012 Olympics. “We wanted to make sure to get the sport registered in time to get teams from every country to participate,” said Chairman of the Summer Olympics, Sunny Swimsalot. Sophomore Kelsi Wellens will be the youngest to participate in this event. She has been building Card Houses since the age of five. “I love building card houses, it’s my passion,” said Wellens. The Card House Building club at LC is planning on trying to get some members to qualify for the Summer Olympics as well. “It would be awesome to have more than one student representing for the Tigers,” said senior Henry Slater. Slater has been playing with cards since he could lift his hands. He has never had to use tape and has won card building competitions across the globe. “I admit I am very good at card building, if you Google me, you can see many of my works,” said Slater. The Tigers are trying to make sure no other Spokane High Schools can compete. Ferris Senior Kiley Kamitomo will be at the tryouts in April and hopes to compete with the Tigers. “I don’t see why LC is so competitive, I thought we were competing against other countries, not ourselves,” said Kamitomo.

Ping pong club members admire Hao from the side lines at the Summer Olympics.

Senior boys recruit Olympian for coach After much anticipation, LC seniors David Waples, Holden Miller and Jesse Doran have finally created a school ping pong club. It currently consists of the founders and 11 other students. Coincidentally, all of the members are senior boys. The club has been extremely lucky to secure an amazing team coach, Wang Hao. He is the reigning world champion and two-time Olympic silver medalist from China. According to member Michael Remington, “He agreed to the voluntary coaching position after he realized just how talented we are and how much enthusiasm we bring to the table (no pun intended).” The club meets every day after school in Waples’ garage. Practice generally lasts from 3:00 p.m. until around 10:30. “To be the best we have to practice like the best,” said Waples. “And sometimes that means sacrificing homework time.” Since there is only one table to play on, the majority of everyone’s practice time is spent on waiting to play. “We cannot really accept any more members because eventually no one would ever get a turn to play,” said Doran. “It’s heartbreaking,” he added after a tearful pause. Miller prefers to look at the bright side of the situation. “Not being able to accept new members has kind of turned us into an exclusive club, which I think boosts our popularity status,” he said. Most of the members agree that waiting for a turn to play is not as bad as it sounds. “We basically just eat snacks and play video games while other people are practicing,” said member Blake Bekken. “That way we’re ensuring future success by carbo-loading and improving our hand-eye coordination at the same time. If that isn’t multitasking, I don’t know what is,” he added. According to Henry Slater, the team’s dietary aide, carbo-loading is a critical key to success in the amateur ping pong circuit. “You’d be surprised how many calories we burn doing this,” he said. There has been talk of the members raising money for another ping pong table through a bikini carwash fundraiser, but that plan proved futile. “Apparently not all of the members have bikinis,” said member Casey Dunau. “I thought this was really weird. Every senior guy has to have at least one lying around at home.” Even if the club acquired another table, there would be nowhere to put it for now. Waples’ garage has little empty space left. According to Miller, the club couldn’t put a table outside because of the threat of bird droppings and wind gusts, both of which could disrupt play. “We follow official rules in our play, so practicing outside is out of the question,” said referee Marc Parker. It looks like if the club wants to expand in the future, a bigger venue will be necessary. The club’s founders are already looking to eliminate any affiliation with LC after being offered hefty sponsorships from Jif peanut butter, Pringles chips and Heineken beer. A sponsorship with any of these companies would provide substantial product discounts and travel funds for the club. “Our parents are pushing us toward the Heineken deal, but we still have some decision making to do before we commit to anything,” said current team captain Gabe Kohler.

Czech Nix CyproNurse Practitioner

PHOTO BY SKAUGHT

The NBA streetS that is...

U have issuesApril 1 2011

OpinionsPage 8JOURNALThe

Perhaps, no decision has been more controversial amongst the denizens of the world wide web then J.J. Abrams July announcement that he was remaking his Lost Television series as a feature length film. It was the press conference heard round the world and soon the world’s ears were hurting with shrieks from the blogosphere. After spending the time and money to see this flick, I can safely say the movie contains the same screwball comedy and slapstick humor that made the show so great. The movie starts off the same way the series did, the plane crash, though in this iteration it is represented instead by four vignettes on the tumultuous suburban romance with the one about of Sawyer (Vince Vaughn) who works for Guitar Hero and Claire (Malin Åkerman) taking center stage. Others include Jack (Jason Bateman) and Kate (Kristen Bell), Sawyer (Jon Favreau) and the Smoke Monster (Kristen Davis, who is conspicously smoke-less), and Hurley (Faizon Love) and the only new non-canon character Trudy (Kali Hawk) Since all of the original cast members denied the opportunity of recording scenes for the movie, 50 new actors were selected. The new cast might make it

confusing at first but overall the new cast is much better and much funnier than there predecessors, and leaves one wondering how Vince Vaughn didn’t receive an Academy Award (again.) The plot is low on the intrigue, thankfully removing much the silly conspiracy nonsense from the original Lost and replaces it with a hilarious stories about the couples seeking retreat on the island, only for a series of wacky hijinks to take place. Classic! Vaughn is at his best (as always) pouncing around the screen with the comedic agility of a Bengal Tiger and with twice the ferocity. The other cast are sufficent, however it is a little unbelievable to think that Akerman would be romantically engaged with a man as intensely attractive as Vaughn. The film is an intensley by the books yet humorous rom-com and JJ Abrams has ultimately succeeded in crafting a faithful reimagining of his own work, no mean feat. Few people have the mental and imagnitive prowess to take a work many say you have perfected, completley turn it around. He also has demonstrated remarkable casting abilities, as casting the elusive Vaughn is no doubt a coup when it comes to making a film of this stature. Move over “Citizen Kane,” move over “Apocalypse Now,” there is a new kid in town.

By Wyler Tilson and Nadia FrigStaff writer and man

“Lost” bucks its own precedent and hits a home run as a top Rom-Com for 2011.

Vince Vaughn excels in “LOST”

Slater cares about the environment

Dubstep revolutionizes

everything, ever As many may know, dubstep has taken off as a subgenre of techno/electronic music. Since its creation, it quickly grew into a world-wide epidemic that teens and young adults cannot get enough of. Not only has dubstep satisfied its juvenile audience, it has, in addition, satisfied the critics. Most may not realize that the clas-sic, dubstep “wobble” sound is actually a breakthrough in the world of music in general. The sound is unlike any other in that it fluctuates in pitch rapidly, while still maintaining gradual increases and de-creases in wave length. Unlike other instruments, such as the piano, there is no sudden spike or decline in pitch. On a graph, the wave lengths take a gradual arc when inclining or declining. Something like this has never been done before in the world of music. Musicians such as Mozart and Bach have been, for centuries, looking for something like the wobble sound that they could use in their compositions. The sound is perfect for cre-ating a steady, but still sudden change in mood. No acoustic instrument from the

past could have ever made such a perfect sound like the wobble. The wobble is by no means something that anyone should mock. Just because dubstep is an incredibly entertaining thing to experience live does not mean that it is not the most innovative progression that music has seen in nearly a century. More than any other effect, the wobble is mostly used to create a feeling of em-powerment in audiences. The vibrations of the bass come up from the ground and enter one’s body through their feet, and do not stop until their en-tire body feels like the largest subwoofer ever made. This is the reason for dubstep’s innovation. It has created an experience that is original. With this sentiment, it is time to cease the mocking of dubstep. It may not be the most complex type of music out there, but that does not mean that it is not fun, in-novative, sick, filthy, amazing and cool. It is the most revolutionary thing to happen to music because of its gradual, but still sud-den change in pitch. Oh, well I guess the trombone kind of does the same thing. And a regular bass can also be used to do that.

By Henry SlayerLayout Edipurrrrrr

DJ Scotch Strong pumps up some super sweet dubstep beats for all the youths.

Let’s face it. The panda bear has been an international symbol of cuteness for de-cades. It is pretty much the epitome of the word, “adorable.” But what do these creatures do for na-ture? All I really know about them is that they’re big, black and white, fluffy, they eat bamboo, and don’t really do much else. They are pretty much the hicks of the jungle. If we could stereotype animals in a paral-lel way to human stereotypes, the panda would be the T.V. dinner eating uncle who no one really likes.

So what would happen if this endan-gered species were actually to go extinct? Not very many creatures depend on their survival. Actually, I don’t really think any creatures depend on the survival of the panda bear. The rule is that when one species be-comes extinct, so do ten others. However, the panda bear does not really play any crucial role in the food chain. I suppose that they help keep the growth of bam-boo under control, but even then, there are not that many pandas eating bamboo right now due to their endangered nature and bamboo is actually a fantastic building material that we could use more of.

By Henry SlaterState Senator

PHOTO BY SKAUGHT

PHOTO BY SKAUGHT