Teaching Your Child to:

Identify andExpress

Emotions

The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning Vanderbilt University vanderbilt.edu/csefel

Does This Sound Familiar?

Maggie is playing with her four-year-old

son. He selects a truck puzzle and begins

matching and placing the pieces in the

holes. He has a difficult time turning a piece

around so that it will match the hole and fit.

Maggie tells him, “Let me help you turn it the

right way.” Her son pushes her hand away and

says in an agitated voice, “Let me do it.” He

tries to fit the piece in again, but is

unsuccessful. He screams and throws the piece

across the room and then throws the puzzle at

Maggie.

What would you do if this happened in your

home? Would you throw in the towel and quit

for the night, maybe try again tomorrow? OR

would you turn it around and create a brand

new lesson, about helping your child

understand and talk about his emotions?

The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning Vanderbilt University vanderbilt.edu/csefel

The Focus Young children deal with many of thesame emotions adults do. Childrenget angry, sad, frustrated, nervous,happy, or embarrassed, but they oftendo not have the words to talk abouthow they are feeling. Instead, theysometimes act out these emotions invery physical and inappropriate ways.For example, when Maggie’s son wasfrustrated, he threw the puzzle pieceand the puzzle.

The Solution Parents can help their childrenunderstand and express theiremotions. The following strategiesare some of the ways you can helpyour child express his feelings:• Help your children understand

their emotions by first giving thefeelings names and thenencouraging them to talk abouthow they are feeling. Forexample, you might say to yourchild, “Daddy left on a trip, youare sad. You said you want yourDaddy.” By giving your child alabel for her emotions, you enableyour child to develop a vocabularyfor talking about feelings.

• Give children lots of opportunitiesto identify feelings in themselvesand others. For example, youmight say to your child, “Ridingyour bike is so much fun. I see yousmiling. Are you happy?” Or youmight point out a situation and askyour child to reflect on whatsomeone else may be feeling:“Joey bumped his head on theslide. How do you think Joeyfeels?”

• Teach your children the differentways they can respond to specificfeelings, conflicts, or problems.Talk about your own feelings withyour children. “Rememberyesterday when the water in thebathtub would not go down thedrain? Mommy got so mad and do

you remember what my face lookedlike when I got mad? Can youmake a mad face like Mommy’s?”Talk with your children aboutdifferent ways you deal withspecific feelings. “When I get mad Itake a deep breath, count to three,and then try to think of the best wayto deal with my problem.”

• Teach your child to identify andexpress their emotions in ways thatyour family and friends findacceptable. For example, you mighttell your child “SometimesGrandfather is angry when thingsdon’t go well at work. What doeshe do? He sits on the porch until hefigures out what he wants to sayabout it. You should sit and thinkwhen you get angry.”

The Steps 1. Explain the feeling by using words

your child can easily understand.Try to use pictures, books, or videosto help get your point across. “Lookat Little Red Riding Hood’s face;she is so scared when she sees thewolf in her Grandma’s bed!”

2. Teach your child the different wayswe can deal with feelings. Let yourchild come up with ways she candeal with her feelings. Talk aboutpositive and not so positive ways toexpress feelings. There are manystrategies you can use to teach newways to appropriately expressfeelings: • Use real-life examples or teach in

the moment. For example, “Youare having a difficult time puttingyour trike in the carport. Youlook frustrated. What can youdo? I think you could ask forhelp or take a deep breath andtry again. What do you want todo?”

• Teach you child new ways torespond to feelings by discussingcommon situations that yourchild might remember or that

happen frequently. For example,“Yesterday, you were angrybecause Joey would not let youplay with his truck. You were somad that you hit him. When youfeel angry that Joey won’t let youhave a turn, what should youdo?”

• You can use children’s books totalk about feelings. For example,ask your child when reading abook, “What is (character inbook) feeling right now? Howdo you know? Have you ever feltthat way? What do you do whenyou feel that way?”

• Keep it simple, use visuals orpictures to help get your pointacross, and always try to relateyour lesson back to somethingthat happens in your child’s life.

• Teach your child new strategiesto use when feeling emotions thatmay be expressed inappropriately(e.g., anger, frustration, sadness).Strategies to share with yourchild might include taking a deepbreath when frustrated or angry,getting an adult to help resolve aconflict, asking for a turn whenothers won’t share, asking for ahug when sad, and finding aquiet space to calm down whendistressed.

The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning Vanderbilt University vanderbilt.edu/csefel

just displayed; it will taketime before your child canbe creative with this game.Once you guess, ask yourchild to name what makeshim have that emotion.Keep taking turns until your

child shows you that he isnot interested in continuing

the game.

Share a story in a new way. Reada book to your child that showscharacters who experience differentemotions (e.g., sad, happy, scared,worried, confused, etc.). Stop on apage where the character isshowing the expression. Ask yourchild “What do you think he isfeeling?” “Why is he feeling thatway?” or “Look at her face, howcan you tell that she is __?” Otherquestions could be “Have you everfelt___? What make you feel thatway?” or “What will happennext?” or “What should he do?”Do not pause too long on one pageand only continue the discussion aslong as your child shows aninterest.

Make an emotion book with yourchild. An easy project to do withyour child is to create a homemadebook. All you need is paper,crayons or markers, and a stapler.You can make a book about oneemotion and have your child fill thepages with things that make herfeel that way. For example, a“Happy Book” may have picturesthat you and your child draw ofthings that make her happy,pictures cut out of magazines thatare glued on the pages, orphotographs of friends and familymembers. Another approach is tohave the book be about a variety offeeling words and do a page oneach of several emotions (happy,mad, surprised, scared, irritated,proud, etc.). For children who havea lot to say about their feelings, youmay want to have them tell you asentence about what makes them

can’t hit me or shout at me. Earlier,you wanted a cookie before dinnerand you hit me. The next time youfeel frustrated, you can tell me andthen take a deep breath and calmdown if you feel angry.”)

Practice Makes PerfectHere are some activities that you cando with your child to help him or herunderstand feelings.

Here are some activities you can dowith your child to help him or herunderstand feelings.

Play Make a Face with your child.You start the game by saying, “I amgoing to make a face, guess what Iam feeling by looking at my face.”Then, make a happy or sad face.When your child guesses the feelingword, respond by saying, “That’sright! Do you know what makes mefeel that way?” Follow by describingsomething simple that makes youhave that feeling (e.g., “Going to thepark makes me happy.” “I feel sadwhen it rains and we can’t go to thepark.”). Please note, this is not thetime to discuss adult circumstancesthat are linked to your emotions (e.g.,“When your Daddy doesn’t call me, Ifeel sad.”). Then say to your child,“Your turn, you make a face and Iwill guess what you are feeling.”Don’t be surprised if your childchooses the same emotion that you

3. Praise your child thefirst time he tries to talkabout his feelingsinstead of just reacting.It is REALLY importantto let your child knowexactly what she did rightand how proud you are ofher for talking aboutfeelings. It should always beOK to say what we are feeling.It’s how we choose to show ourfeelings and respond to themthat requires special effort.

4. Support your child to talkabout feelings and practice hernew strategies for expressingemotions appropriately everychance you get. For example,you can talk about feelingswhen you are playing a game,when you are riding in the car,or when you are eating dinner.There will be all kinds of thingsthat happen every day that willbe great opportunities for you totalk about feelings. The moreoften your child practices, thefaster your child will learn.

WARNING – Do not try andpractice when your child is in themiddle of a “meltdown.” Usequiet, calm times to teach andpractice the new strategies. Forexample, if your child is having a“meltdown” because she does notwant to wait for a cookie until afterdinner, she will not be in the moodto practice expressing herfrustration with words, rather thana tantrum. In this situation, youhave to be deal with her emotions(e.g., “I know you really want acookie now, but that is not anoption, we are going to eat dinnerin 5 minutes. You may have acookie after dinner.”). However,you can talk with your child aboutthe incident after she is calm anddiscuss the best way for expressingthose emotions (“When you arefrustrated that you can’t have whatyou want, you can tell me, but you

feel an emotion so you can write thesentence on the page. Then, yourchild can cut out a picture to glue inthe book or draw a picture to go withthe emotion. Warning, this activityis more likely to be enjoyable toyour child if you do it together, butmight be difficult for your child todo alone.

Play “Mirror, Mirror…what do Isee?” with your child. Using a handmirror or a mirror on the wall, playthis game with your child. Look inthe mirror and say “Mirror, mirror,what do I see?” Then make anemotion face. Follow by naming theemotion by saying, “I see a sadMommy looking at me.” Turn toyour child and say “your turn.” Helpyour child remember the phrase“Mirror, mirror what do I see?” Youmay have to say it with your child.Then, tell your child to make a faceand help him say the next sentence“I see a happy Patrick looking atme.” Don’t be surprised if your childalways wants to use the emotion thatyou just demonstrated. Play thegame until your child loses interest.

Expressing Feelings Sometimes children express theiremotions in ways that areproblematic. Your child might crywhen frustrated or throw toys whenangry. Here are some different waysyou can teach your child to act onfeelings:

Ask for helpSolve problems with wordsSay it, don’t do it (say “I am mad”instead of throwing toys) Tell a grown-upTake a deep breathDescribe what you are feelingThink of a different way to do itRelax and try againWalk awayAsk for a hug

Putting it All Together Understanding emotions is a criticalpart of children’s overalldevelopment. It is up to adults toteach children to understand and dealwith their emotions in appropriateways. They are experiencing somany new and exciting things for thefirst time. It can be overwhelming!We need to be sure we alwaysvalidate our children’s emotions anddon’t punish them for expressingtheir feelings. You might want toremind your child that, “It’s ok to tellme how you feel, but it’s not ok tohurt others or things when you feel(name feeling).” Teach them abouttheir emotions, help them come upwith new ways to deal with emotions,give them lots of time to practicetheir new strategies, and alwaysremember to give lots of positiveencouragement when they use thenew strategy instead of reacting in the“old” way!

Teaching Feeling Words We often only think of teachingcommon emotions like happy,sad, mad, etc. But there aremany other feeling words thatchildren should learn to express,such as the following:

Brave CheerfulCheerful BoredConfused SurprisedCurious ProudDisappointed FrustratedEmbarrassed SillyExcited UncomfortableFantastic WorriedFriendly StubbornGenerous ShyIgnored SatisfiedImpatient SafeImportant RelievedInterested PeacefulJealous OverwhelmedLonely LovingConfused TenseAngry Calm

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