The LifeSpace Social Contract Authority Inception Period/Reparative Authority Inception

“This is what we do and how we do it”

Three Truths “We love, we work, we play, we follow a code of conduct”

“We work first, and then we play” “We don’t always get what we want”

Parent Uses: Warmth, Affection, Connection, and Play

Three Universal Rules Modeling, Direct & Indirect Teaching and Coaching

High Demandingness for Acceptable Conduct Approval and Disapproval

Correction Consistent, Contingent Consequences

Active and Purposeful Ignore of Protest Behavior Parental Expectation for Directions to be Followed

Parental Expectation for Limits and Boundaries to be Accepted

RULES VALUES/QUALITIES WORK MANNERS

1. We practice kindness and non-violent problem-solving.

We do not use aggression to solve problems.

2. We respect other people’s boundaries.

We do not take what isn’t ours.

3. We tell the truth.

We share We are kind

We are helpful Accountable Responsible

Fair Honest

Perseverance Determination Respectful

School, Employment

Tasks Chores

Please/Thank you Sharing

Waiting our turn Phone etiquette Table etiquette Kind language

Courteous Social Norms Boundaries

©www.wpwinstitute.orgHandout B3. The LifeSpace Social Contract. Authority Inception/Reparative Authority Inception Period

Handout E1. Social Contract "This is What We Do..."

©www.wpwinstitute.org

Handout B5. Checklist for Parents Regarding The LifeSpace and Their Role as Teacher and Coach ©www.wpwinstitute.org

CHECKLIST FOR PARENTS REGARDING THE LIFESPACE AND THEIR ROLE AS TEACHER AND COACH

1. The LifeSpace is a social environment. In addition to providing safety andnurturance, I need to teach and coach my child(ren) what is acceptable andunacceptable conduct. This is called the Social Contract.

2. It is my job as the reparative parent to teach my child(ren) the social contract of theLifeSpace within my own culture-specific framework of values and traditions.

3. A child’s new brain is very open to learning the social contract of what we do and howwe do it, particularly between the ages of 0-7 years-old. My child may have beenexposed to adverse childhood experiences that interfered with learning the socialcontract. I need to provide a reparative, corrective attachment experience within areparative authority inception period:

We love, we work, we play;We work first, and then we play; We don’t always get what we want;We follow a code of conduct, with manners, rules, laws, limits and boundaries.

4. My child may not have a secure attachment and may resist/refuse directions, or beunwilling to accept limits and boundaries due to fear of authority and/or missed opportunities for learning. I need to parent with confident parental authority using love and warmth, approval/disapproval, as well as consistent, contingent consequences.

5. I need to teach my child:

A. Three Universal RulesWe do not use aggression or violence to solve problems;We do not take what isn’t ours or that requires permission to do so; We tell thetruth.

B. Parental Expectations“When I give a direction, it needs to be followed without undue protest.” “When Iset a limit or boundary it needs to be accepted without undue protest.”

©www.wpwinstitute.org Fo rm A3.*WPW RP: The Four Temperaments

Temperament

©www.wpwinstitute.org Form A3. *WPW RP: The Four Temperaments

Partner/Spouse or Me>________________ Temperament:______________

Dominant energy Introvert Ambivert Extrovert Dominant conflict style Withdraw Approach Sensitivity Low Medium High Activity Level Low Medium High Intensity of Emotional Reactions Low Medium High Need for Rhythmicity Low Medium High Adaptability Low Medium High Persistence for difficult things Low Medium High Distractibility Low Medium High

Child 1>_____________________________ Temperament:______________

Dominant energy Introvert Ambivert Extrovert Dominant conflict style Withdraw Approach Sensitivity Low Medium High Activity Level Low Medium High Intensity of Emotional Reactions Low Medium High Need for Rhythmicity Low Medium High Adaptability Low Medium High Persistence for difficult things Low Medium High Distractibility Low Medium High

Child 2>____________________________ Temperament:______________

Dominant energy Introvert Ambivert Extrovert Dominant conflict style Withdraw Approach Sensitivity Low Medium High Activity Level Low Medium High Intensity of Emotional Reactions Low Medium High Need for Rhythmicity Low Medium High Adaptability Low Medium High Persistence for difficult things Low Medium High Distractibility Low Medium High

©www.wpwinstitute.org Form A3. *WPW RP: The Four Temperaments

My Family’s Temperaments:

Sanguine (AIR) Phlegmatic (WATER) Melancholic (EARTH) Choleric (FIRE) Who? Who? Who? Who?

Strengths Strengths Strengths Strengths

Challenges Challenges Challenges Challenges

Protest Style Protest Style Protest Style Protest Style

Handout E4. Helping Your Child Manage Strong Emotions, Emotional Dysregulation, & Amygdala Hijacks ©www.wpwinstitute.org

Name it Validate it

Soothe it

Coach it

Helping Your Child Manage Strong Emotions, Emotional Dysregulation, & Amygdala Hijacks

If the safety of the child/teen or others is at risk for harm, or there is risk of property damage, then the parental response moves immediately to coaching de-escalation:

Ø Name what emotion you see; Ø Validate your understanding of the experience and the current emotional reaction; Ø Keep your voice quiet and low; Ø Stay calm (Strongest energy in a space co-regulates others); Ø Give directive cues: “take a deep breath, walk outside, that’s not what we do; you can do this differently;

I’m here; let me help you; we’ll figure this out;” Ø Postpone engagement in the details of the emotional upset until the child/teen evidences calm and safety; Ø Engage first in cognitive versus emotional exploration to mitigate further emotional flooding; Ø Process incident and emotions only after safety is re-established: name it, validate the emotion, soothe it;

not the management of it; Ø If there was aggression/property destruction, then pre-coached consequence, Re-Do, & amends still applies; Ø If there was self-harm, child/teen needs to Re-Do emotion management with healthier, non-harming coping

strategy; Ø “Privilege Pause/Nothing else happens” until Re-Do’s are completed.

Strong Emotion Emotional Dysregulation Amygdala Hijack Normative range of Powerful

feelings in response to difficult LifeSpace moments,

i.e., fear, shame, embarrassment, anger, frustration, sadness, grief.

The experience of being overwhelmed by an emotion; in

response to a LifeSpace moment; feeling of being emotionally

flooded, unable to cope with the feeling; out of control, i.e. rage, panic, terror. There is either no access to higher order emotion

management skills in that moment, or there are no higher

order emotion management skills.

The experience of intense feelings of terror, panic, rage, humiliation in response to a

LifeSpace situation/moment in which the amygdala misperceives

an experience as “being the same” as a remembered moment

of abuse, humiliation, loss and responds to the moment with fight/flight or freeze reactivity.

Parent-Child Co-Regulation

*WPW RP DISCIPLINE STRATEGIES

In Response to Rules/Directions or Limits/Boundaries

1. IGNORE THE PROTEST/PROVIDE BRIEF CALMING ENCOURAGEMENT

Communicates to child/teen… “We do not always get what we want”

“We work first and then we play”

2. IF-THEN REMINDER WARNING OF CONSEQUENCE OR PRIVILEGE PAUSE

Provides moments of optimal frustration/higher order decision-making Promotes opportunities to develop self-control, self-discipline, self-regulation

3. PRIVILEGE PAUSE/ “NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS UNTIL YOU DO/STOP” Promotes higher-order decision-making

Teaches child/teen that protest behaviors do not work to get what we want or get out of work Teaches child “This is what we do and what we don’t do”

4. RE-DO THE MOMENT Helps the Child/Teen’s Brain Learn New Adaptive Coping & Problem-Solving Skills

Promotes Self-Regulation “This is what we do and how we do it”

5. REPAIR THE MOMENT “This is what we do when we have made a mistake”

Repairs the relationship/ “It’s over”

Handout E5. *WPW RP Discipline Strategies ©www.wpwinstitute.org

Our Family Rules Truths Parental Expectations

FAMILY RULES Child CORRECTION/AGE-APPROPRIATE PRE-COACHED CONSEQUENCE

1. We practice kindness and non-violent problem solving.We don’t use aggression to solve problems (mean words,aggression, violence, property destruction)

2. We respect the boundaries of others.We do not take what isn’t ours.

3. We tell the truth.

FAMILY TRUTHS PARENT STANCE We work first and then we play “Nothing else happens until the work is done…”

We don’t always get what we want “No means no” “Not going to argue” “Discussion over”

PARENT EXPECTATIONS

When I/we give a direction, it needs to be followed “Nothing else happens until the work is done…”

All privileges paused until_________; timer added as well

When I/we set a limit/boundary it must be accepted “Pestering, badgering, whining, arguing is not okay” Privilege pause for the amount of time it continues

Handout E3. Our Family Rules/Truths/Parental Expectations ©www.wpwinstitute.org

Handout E7. WisdomPath Way Reparative Parenting Overview ©www.wpwinstitute.org

As humans, we live in a richly diverse LifeSpace… Parents are the teachers & coaches of our social contract…

“This is what we do and how we do it…” We work, we love, we play, we follow a code of conduct (morals, manners).

Two essential truths parents must teach: 1. We work first and then we play.

2. We don’t always get what we want.

WisdomPath Way Reparative Parenting Overview

Three Universal Rules for building character and competence: 1. We don’t use aggression, or violence, or mean words to solve problems.

2. We tell the truth.3. We don’t take what isn’t ours.

**Assign Pre-coached age-appropriate correction.

Two Pre-Coached Parent Expectations: 1. When I give you a direction it needs to be followed without undue protest.

2. When I set a limit or boundary it needs to be accepted without undue protest.

For Directions: 1. Nothing else happens until/privilege pause if there is protest,

resist/refuse behavior in response to a direction. 2. If protest/resist/refuse continues then a timer starts and the amount

of time it takes to complete the direction will be added on as “wait time”for the return of all privileges.

3. Child/teen does redo and amends. It’s all over.

For Limits and Boundaries:1. Set the limit or establish the boundary.

2. “Not going to argue; “No means no.”3. If protest, pestering, badgering continues, then a timer starts for the

period of time it continues. All privileges are paused for the same amount of time pestering/badgering continued.

4. Child/teen does redo and amends. It’s all over.

Form E8. Checklist for Parents Regarding The *WPW RP Reparative Parenting Strategies ©www.wpwinstitute.org And Their Role As Teacher and Coach

CHECKLIST FOR PARENTS REGARDING THE *WPW REPARATIVE PARENTING STRATEGIES AND THEIR

ROLE AS TEACHER AND COACH

1. I need to teach and establish the three universal rules for my children/teens:

ü We do not use aggression to solve problems ü We tell the truth ü We do not take what is not ours (or needs permission for)

2. I need to pre-coach my children/teens on the consequences for breaking the rules.

ü They need to be age-appropriate ü No earn-backs ü Consistent, contingent consequences

3. I need to pre-coach my children about my parental expectations and the privilege pause/nothing else

happens until you do or you stop: ü When I give a direction it needs to be followed without undue protest ü When I set a limit or boundary it needs to be accepted without undue protest

4. I know where my child/teen is stuck and I need to meet my child/teen at his/her/their level of

functioning. ü Stuck in survival and safety pathway ü Stuck in impulsive pathway ü Stuck in egocentrism/imperial; I want/I don’t want/you can’t make me ü Struggling in the Interpersonal pathway: difficulty in the peer and adult social world; blaming

self or blaming others for not fitting and belonging

5. There is a difference between my child/teen’s protest to directions, limits/boundaries, and rules, and emotional upset, emotional dysregulation, and amygdala hijacks.

6. I will respond to my child/teen’s emotional needs by helping to name the feeling, validate the feeling, soothe the feeling, and coach better management of the expression of the feeling if needed. This is an opportunity to help my child/teen build mature coping strategies and to experience warmth and affection/love from me.

7. I will respond to my child/teen’s protest behaviors to my two parental expectations to follow rule/directions and accept limits/boundaries by ignoring the protest, encouraging my child/teen to ‘take a breath’ and comply/accept; give an If-Then reminder warning of privilege pause/nothing else happens until you do/or stop; and follow up with a Re-Do and Amends. This provides opportunities for my child to mature and develop character and competence.

8. I will find time at least several times a week if not daily to play with my child/teen.