THE

RULESBY RICHARD TEMPLAR

FREE MINI-BOOK

LOST

For over 10 years Richard Templar has been helping us live happier and more

fulfilled lives by sharing his life-affirming and often life-changing Rules in his

bestselling series of books.

Whilst dusting off the Rules archives recently we came across some brilliant,

never-before-seen Rules, that we felt just had to be shared with you.

These are THE LOST RULES.

Least said, soonest mendedHere’s a rule that I find myself breaking unapologetically. I know there are times when if you pretend some kind of unpleasantness or offence hasn’t happened, eventually everyone will forget about it and it will be as if it never happened. Yes, occasionally it works, if the issue was a very minor one anyway.

It’s also true that there are times when a brief ‘sorry’ or ‘thank you’ or ‘whoops, I was out of line’ is sufficient.

However this old adage is implying that this is always the best route, which simply isn’t true. It’s not discussing problems that causes feelings to fester, and take far longer to mend. Generally – unless we’re talking about the most inconsequential of slights – it’s a very good idea to insti-gate a conversation. If you’re the injured party (in your view), let the other person know that you’re not happy with things. We’ve been over this before in plenty of Rules and you’re not going to start shouting or ranting or emotionally blackmailing them. Simply let them know so together you can clear the air.

If you’re concerned that you have unwittingly caused hurt or upset or offence (Rules players never do such things wittingly), then tell the other person that you’re sorry they’re unhappy, and talk to them about it. Af-ter all, whatever you did may be bad enough, to their mind, without you compounding it by behaving as if you’re unaware of how they feel.

Of course there comes a point when it’s time to let things drop. But that point comes after you’ve both expressed how you feel and cleared the air, not before.

This saying is an extremely good example of a rule that you should take with a healthy pinch of salt1. If you want any more examples, see The Rules to Break.

LOST RULE 1

1 If there is such a thing

Leave people happier than when you found themI used to have a colleague who occasionally attended certain meetings. Whenever the rest of us knew he was going to be there, we’d all groan. Eeyore, we nicknamed him, and he could bring down any occasion. He was guaranteed to be negative about everything. And boy did he take his time listing all the arguments against any proposal, in his monotonous and dreary voice. However enthusiastic we were going into the meeting, we always left feeling morose and lacklustre.

Some people have that effect on you. They’re not necessarily negative in their attitudes. Some people leave you feeling drained because they wear you out, or frustrated because they talk about themselves and their problems endlessly, and never ask how you are. Some people keep asking for favours, or pass on bitchy gossip that leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth.

So this Rule is about not being one of those people. There are plenty of people we meet in life who don’t have this effect on us, and we need to fall into that category. But actually, why stop there? As Rules players we should be actively making sure that we have a net positive effect on the friends and colleagues – and even strangers – we encounter every day. Why not be someone people look forward to seeing because it always gives them a lift? Maybe you make people laugh, or provide a listening ear when they need one, or take some of the workload off them, or help distract them from their worries, or just make them feel loved and cared about. Often just a smile can leave someone feeling better.

Before you ask, no this doesn’t mean you can never talk about your own problems. I hope you don’t dump them on people indiscriminately, but of course you should be able to talk to your friends and family if you’re going through a tough time.

Just be aware of how you feel when others cry on your shoulder. Does it bring you down? Well, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. So what’s the difference? How can you be sure you’re one of the people who doesn’t leave friends feeling worse? You’ll find that when others pour out their troubles to you, the key thing is whether they leave you feeling that you’ve helped or not. Even if the mood is bleak, when someone leaves you saying, “Thank you, you’ve really helped. I feel so much better for talking to you,” you’ll feel good about yourself. So make sure you let your friends know when they’ve made a difference.

LOST RULE 2

Distinguish between getting wet and being wetI was watching a friend’s child the other day playing near water. The other children were all getting soaked, but this one was standing back just watching. I asked her why she didn’t join in, and she said that she didn’t really want to get wet. We discussed the fact that all the others seemed to be rather enjoying getting wet. She thought about this and then decided that actually she wasn’t worried about being wet. It was just the first dous-ing with cold water that she didn’t relish. On the other hand, she could see that she was going to miss out on a whole load of fun if she didn’t just get it over with, so very wisely she (literally) jumped in with both feet, and from then on enjoyed herself immensely.

All of us feel reluctant to take big steps at times. Ending a job or relation-ship, or moving house, taking a grown-up gap year, launching a business, or starting on a new enterprise. Sometimes we know we’re being daft and it will all be fine really, but sometimes it’s hard to tell if the warning voices in your head are just resisting change, or whether they really are trying to alert you to the fact that you’re making a mistake.

When this happens, it’s really helpful to ask yourself whether you don’t want to be wet, or whether you just don’t want to get wet. Is it the process of change that bothers you? Or is it the day-to-day reality of living in a different house, or without your partner, or being abroad for months, or with the responsibility of running your own company?

Once you’ve separated out these two elements, it’s much easier to gauge whether or not to jump in. Of course, occasionally the process of getting wet can be so unpleasant that it colours your attitude to the whole thing. There are times when the water is very deep and icy cold, and really not very inviting anyway. Of course you’ll want to take that into account.

However if being wet looks like a lot of fun, and it’s just the getting wet that you don’t fancy, that’s the time to take a deep breath, hold your nose and just jump. Enjoy the swim.

LOST RULE 3

LOST RULE 4

Take the past with youIf you’ve ever been through some kind of big trauma, such as a divorce or bereavement or redundancy, you’ll no doubt have been subjected to the well-meaning advice that you should ‘move on’. It always seems so obvi-ous to the people who aren’t going through it themselves and have no idea how you feel, but very often ‘moving on’ seems meaningless, pointless, and unappealing - not to mention making no sense.

Sooner or later you may find that you have put it all behind you, but then again you may not. And that could be because you don’t want to put it all behind you. And why should you? If your earlier life was happier in some ways than your present life, why would you want to let it go? Then again, it’s true that it’s difficult to enjoy life properly if you’re always living in the past (see The Rules of Life no 22). So what’s the answer?

I’ll explain this as best I can, but you also have to do some work, because you’ll have to find your own individual way to interpret it. What you have to do is not let go of the past, but pick it up and bring it along with you. Not as a heavy burden, but as a friendly companion. Find some way to incorporate it into the present so that it enriches you right now, and helps you enjoy the rest of your life.

It will take a while to suss out how to do this, but if you’re looking for your chance, you’ll find a way. Suppose you’ve lost someone very close to you, maybe a parent. Once the worst of the raw grief is over, there can be a temptation to live in the past when your mum or dad was still alive, a re-luctance to move away from the people and places and activities that you shared with them, and into new territory. Aim to incorporate them into yourself, so there’s a sense in which you’re still sharing your experiences with them. If you can do this, it will liberate you to explore and adventure in a way that can be very hard otherwise.

I’ve seen people lose family, friends, jobs or lifestyles that they loved with a passion. Some can easily get on and enjoy life afterwards – it’s just the way they’re made. Others really struggle to keep going in any meaningful way. Of them, it’s the ones who understand that they can bring their old life with them, rather than leave it behind, who in time go on to get real enjoyment out of their lives again.

LOST RULE 5

Know your limitationsSome days you’re just always in a rush and running to catch up with yourself. Maybe it seems like that’s most days for you. There’s always so much to do, so many meetings, phone calls, piles of laundry, emails, school runs, whatever your days are generally filled with. By the time you sit down in the evening – if you even get to do that – you’re exhausted. What’s more, you probably feel frustrated and dissatisfied that you still have a long list of things to carry over to tomorrow.

Sound familiar? So what can you do about it? Well, actually, quite a lot. The key is to start the day with a shorter list. That way you can work steadily but without any sense of rush or stress, and get it all done. Of course there will be the odd day when the car breaks down, or a big client places a panic order, but if your workload is manageable you’ll be able to catch up within a day or two when that happens.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s all very well, but the list of things you have to do is just too long, and obviously you’d shorten it if you could, but you just can’t. Oh really? But you’re going to get to the end of the day with some of those things not ticked off your list, aren’t you? That’s what we’re talking about. I’m just saying that if they’re not going to be crossed off at the end of the day, don’t have them on the list at the beginning of the day. Putting them there and then not doing them isn’t helping anyone is it? If you only have a to do list that you can actually complete, you’ll feel satisfied and pleased with yourself at the end of the day, instead of feeling frustrated. And meanwhile you’ll have achieved exactly the same amount.

So what to leave off? Well that’s easy. You leave off all the things that you’re going to push aside in the event – the ones you won’t have ticked off by this evening. Come on, you know which ones those are. The only effect of having those on your list is to make you feel stressed, guilty, wor-ried and miserable at the end of the day when you haven’t done them.

Of course, there is another effect of leaving these things off your list each day. It will mean that you stop being a rushed, mildly manic person tell-ing everyone how busy you are, and you turn into an efficient and in-con-trol person who knows how to relax at the end of the day. Think you can cope with that?

TELL EVERYONE AND GET INVOLVED!

Why not spread the word and share The Lost Rules with everyone you know?

You can post them on Facebook, Tweet about them, email them to your friends or pop them in your blog – it’s up to you.

You can follow Richard Templar on Facebook

www.facebook.com/richardtemplar

It’s a growing community of Rules players from all around the world. You’ll get special posts from Richard Templar, you can share your very own Rules, and

post comments and questions.

This isn’t the end. It’s just the beginning.

Discover all of Richard Templar’s Rules in these bestselling books.

Buy your copies today from your favourite bookstore.

NEW