the merciad, april 1, 1983

8/6/2019 The Merciad, April 1, 1983

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"Dustin Hoffmanand James Infantinochanged my life,"said John Wolper.Mercyhurst College authoritiesannounced on Thursday, April 7that John Wolper, HotelRestaurant Management (HRM)instructor was released from Mer-cy Medical Center after a sex-change operation. iThe Enquirer interviewedWolper after his operation to findout the I reasoning behind it. "I

saw* the m ovie 'Tootsie' starringDustin Hoffman, and my wholelife changed. James Infantino,director of the Co-op office wasalso very supportive of my < sex-change," stated Wolper. \*Infantino explained that hestayed by Wolper's side \at thehospital. "Johnny, or Joannie asshe prefers now, is a wonderfulwoman whom I find to be a verysensual, sensitive and loving per-son. V believe wedding bells aresounding," said Infantino. JuniorMaria Santangelo was unavailablefor comment at press time. %Wolper intends to remain

teaching classes at Mercyhurst. 1"I think >Joannie's operationwill]be an \ asset to the HRMdepartment. After all, we've beenwanting a woman faculty memberfor two years, IJ commented FrankPauze, |HRM d e p a r t m e n tdirector. j K & 3 8 3 M mThe Enquirer I asked Dr.William P. Garvey, president ofthe college, how he felt aboutJoannie Wolper's J sex-changeoperation. "I think it's great.Everyone should do i. their ownthing. After all, I will be on tourwith the'Wigglin' Willies {bandanyway.'' s fflBJSfSMiliflH'ifi

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'My 'mother, my friend'? /Cherylsand John Green

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44 Yes,|sheiis 1 mymother!"John Green, star basketballplayer for the Mercyhurst Lakers,recently revealed that he has beenreunited with his mother after 12

years."Yes, he is my son!" exclaimedCheryl Green, director of tutorialservices at Mercyhurst College.|Green and -her son werereunited at a Laker home basket-ball game when Mrs. Greenrecognized her son on the court."I would know that layup styleanywhere," she revealed.( "Itaught him everything he knows!"The loving mother-and-sonteanmoldfthe ENQUIRER thatthey were separated in 1971 whenhe was sent abroad to basketballcamp. When John returned homefor Christmas break during his se-cond! year,'his mother was notthere. #"I went to the Marvin Gayeconceit and never made it back,"admitted Cheryl.* John lived from hand-to-mouthfor nearly ten years until one dayhe w as found huddled underneaththe bleachers at St. BonaventureUniversity in Olean, New York.Coach of the St. Bonnie'shoopsters, B illy K albaugh, found. John and took him in. ^"That's my little Johnny," saidKalbaugh, "I've made him thebasketball star he is."Junior Maria Santangelo wasunavailable for comment."From the moment I foundhim I knew he would fulfill TheDream that I've always had," ex-claimed Kalbaugh. f *

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a boy from Oil City, fWas a college presi-dent, till & he quitschool. *^^tMNow I wanna be aheavy metal star j 9 g |With a leatherbedspread an d electricguitar. _ _ _|(Ed. pfote: Sung tothe tune of "Jack andDiane9'* by pJo/mThe lyrics 1 to ? Dr. WilliamGarvey's hit^ tunel "Born toBoogie" are the saga of his transi-tion from a small college presidentto a Rock and Roll star. Bp ;-Garvey skyrocketed to stardom

after he was discovered by a LosAngeles promoter visiting Erie tofind new talent and see the sights.An unscheduled act at the Junc-tion, Garvey and*-his group, thePWiggUn' Willies"! had to beescorted from the bar when theycontinued tinging several hoursafter closing. This was the birth ofa brilliant career. ** 4&*^v* d#S John Nesbit, assistant to thepresident 'for 'institutional ad-vancement, told \ the 3 Enquirer,44At first, I thought his new careerwould lead to a wild life;- youknow, wine and loose women -but Billy has a good head on hisshoulders," he said. "Actually,I'm beginning! to' like Jhisf newcareer - I'm even learning to slamdance." ~1 X 9 HB tt JPf"I remember when Billy wouldsing the theme; songs from hisfavorite I shows, 'My LittleMargie' and 'Howdy Doody' until

he would drive me crazy, Nesbitfaid.ld&r:'rtL;,A >'\ M 'V l*\* Garvey admits that he used topractice singing and dancing forhis secretary Dorothy Kirk. Kirkcommented,' "Beam me up,Scotty!" '^r .


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* While celebratingthe feast of Don Ho-ly , popular Mer-c y h u r s t [ c h a p l a i nFather Chuck \ spon-taneously combustedi n f r o n t o f a nastonished audienceof 5 0 0 * H u r s tstudents.And if not for the quick think-ing of Bob O'Brien, Father Chuckwould today be nothing more

than a charred memory,kjln the midst of a lesson on theburning bush, Father Chuck burstinto flame. %Dashing from the congregation,O'Brien extinguished FatherChuck with the holy water fromthe Baptismal font.Amid shouts of "Praise God"and "Amen", the chorus brokeinto a spirited rendition of "YouLight Up My Life." f I"Eet wass a meericle," SisterElisabeth said, "a troo sien offGodt's pressenze." kM a r i a S a n t a g e l o w a sunavailable for comment."It was an act of divinetin-tervention," O'Brien reported.

"It was a mission from God."From his room in the intensivecare 'unit of ?the Our Lady ofPerpetual Light Hospital, FatherChuck talked to the ENQUIRERabout his close call. *"Thank God for Bob O'Brien.He's the light of my life. A fewmore minutes and'I would havebeen one big ash hole. 3"I took it as a sign from God.I've already sent my applicationforkcanonization to Rome. Onemore big miracle and I'm in. "& "Veevettaf andt I weeI nurseheem back to halth," Sr.Elisabeth promised."Een the futur nee moost pro-tekd heemself."

C. Foods DietFor Fost, Amazing Weight LossA college weight-

l o s s p r o g r a mdeveloped by KeithCrouseJ director ofK.C. Foods, Inc. atM e r c y h u r s t , n o wmakes dieting simplerand more fun thanevert before. The dietinvolves no calorie-counting, no exercise,and virtually no work .Just eating the regular cafeteriafoods in set portions and inspecific combinations Awill pro-duce fast, amazing weight loss.'"I never knew dieting could beso great," exclaimed!!R.A. BethMarzullo. "This really beats mudwrestling to take off those un-wanted pounds!"fPaula T o f i l , a 'Hurstsophomore, lost an incredible 75pounds in just one month whileon the K.C. diet.4'I look great, I feel great; I'm

not a blimp anymore!" says Tofil."K.Q: worked wonders for me!"Tofil heard about the K.C. dietwhile having lunch one day."1 heard MSG President1 RichLanzillo telling his friends aboutthe unsuccessful spaghetti dieChehad been on. Well, when BryanDoherty mentioned how muchhomo milk and jello you can haveon K.C.'s diet, I knew I'd have togive it a try," remembers Tofil.{Directions for the diet are un-com plicate d,- explains KeithCrouse. Thefirstday the El Ran-chero sandwich is the maincourse, providing high proteinand zippy flavor. Homo milk andjello balance out the day's menuwhich gives the dieter calcium anda light sugar content.F{& On day two, navel oranges andCaptain's Wafers can be eaten inunlimited quantities. Homo milkand jello balance out the day'smenu which gives the dietercalcium and a light sugar content.Weight management counselingwill be offered on day three withcafeteria manager Jeff Campbell."We'll meet in the.dishroomand rap abouUsnacking, soccer,how ;to watch what you eat at

places like Panos' or Taco Bell,how a haircut can mean easierdieting, over-the-counter diet aidsand their influence in makingfriends, as well as many, manymore .interesting and helpfultopics." IOn days four and five, K.C.says it really doesn't matter whatthe students eat because they're sotired of milk and jello, they'reusually not hungry anymore!''.The K.C. Foods Diet represen-tative on campus Maree-LjnnCicon will hold fa? "happy feetorganizational meeting" \ nextSaturday at noon in the CampusMinistry. Dave Robinson andDan Schrader will hum and makecoffee during the meeting. *"I wouldn't miss this for theworld," commented Schrader."Maybe I'll even share* some tipsfrom my 'Thesis' Diet.""Nothing beats a goodpresidential campaign to lose afew pounds," said R obinson.Junior Maria Santangelo wasunavailable for comment.This utterly amazing diet pro-gram for students is finally in Erieat Mercyhurst College. And youread about it in the ENQUIRER.

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"I Get RichBy SigningMy Nam e!'< < I enter contestsfor a living. It's thebest thing that hasever happened tome." B f ?

This is a direct quote fromformer administrative intern RichBengel. Bengel left his post atMercyhurst after?he won $20.00playing Bingo at St. Luke'sChurch recently."I never knew getting richcould be so easy ." \Besides being a chronic bingoplayer,? Bengel enters other con-tests as well. Former office mate,James Con nolly' stated thatBengel's desk used to be loadedwith Publisher's Clearing HouseRival'Schools

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wmSweepstakes, Reader's DigestSweepstakes, as well as the "Lostand Found" section of the dailynewspaper."When I get writer's crampfrom filling out contest forms, Itake the newspaper, hop in my carand look for lost animals. The'rewards* of my new job are plen-tiful," revealed Bengel.Bengel sends I for f rebateswhenever p ossible. He uses cents-

Plan Incredible Mergerby Chunk Snob nia m e d e i t h e rA confidential Edinhurst or Mer-source revealed to the cyboro, and apparent-Mercyhurst Enquirer ly the latter name is'favored.} ! ^Some changes have already ap-peared on the former Mercyhurstcampus. The most notab le! ofwhich j the cube located on thenorth side of the LRC (see photo).Our source informed the En-quirer that plans are in the worksto move the cube from its presentlocation to the top of the OldMain tower so that it too may beilluminated a t night.The cube willrotate so that all sides of the newlogo I(designed by Dr. Pizzat's

children's art class) will be visible.A time and temperature featuremay be added at a later date.

that the ^president ofE d i n b o r o S t a t eUniversity, FosterBrooks , and Dr.William P. Garvey,President of Mer-cyhurst College, |h aveagreed to a mergerbetween their respec-tive schools. The newuniversity will be

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off coupons and also enjoys anoccasional game of Lotto.'Td play the lottery more, butsometimes it's hard to fight myway through the long lines wherethe lottery tickets are sold!" 'Junior, Maria Santangelof wasunavailable for comment, i4'My sweepstakes idol is MaryJean Weiser, a faculty secretary,who won $50,000 by playing thelottery," added B engel.

Hln another move directly relatedt^the merger, registrar BonnieC h e r i c o a n d A d m i s s i o n sCounselor Tom Dore have beennamed as people {who have nobusiness coaching.*Both coaches,and junior Maria Santangelo wereunavailable for comment, 1The campus radical comm ittee,an outlaw offspring of the Mer-cyhurst Student Government, hasclaimed responsibility for attem p-ting to sabotage the new cube, andI continued on page 8

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YNeptuniansSeize Campus;,Administrator Reveals Alien LoveT o p - n o t c h E n -quirer reporter SteveCurcio was on thescene as dozens ofleisure-suited Neptu-nians landed last weekon the Mercyhurst

campus which hasresulted in somedestruction, ^ l!ail lo t o f exc i te -ment/and even joy finthe hearts t a r r y - e y e dadministrator!^l g" Y es , I love him," revealedDirector of Housing and SafetyPhyllis Aiello, referring to thecaptain of the Starship Puna,Keek Fard.

Their relationship was a topicof speculation on campus whenAiello and Fard were spottedcloser than this on * manyoccasions.But their whirlwind romancewas confirmed this weekend whenAiello proudly flashed the lAcarat diamond given her by Fard."I can't believe this is happen-ing to me. It's just like somethingout of The Waltons. '

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* 4'That's even my favoriteshow," Curcio grinned."He's everything I've everwanted in a man /-even thoughhe's two-faced," Aiello said."I haven't seen Phyllis so hap-py since the 2-for-l sale at DairyQueen," reports Director o fA l u m n i R e l a t i o n s G a ryBukowski.put others on campus were notso enthusiastic about ! the spaceinvaders.5''Look what they,did to thislawn!" screamed Dave Cherico,pointing out the damage done tothe multi-purpose field by the lan-ding space craft.^Commented* E. Williamt Ken*nedy, Director of StudentServicest: a |"I don't care if they are fromouter space. There will be nospaceship landings on this fieldfor six months. %"And I mean i t ."The adventure began I at mid-nighv\ on March 28 , when the

In this rare photo, two-facedMercyhurst jersey. - explains theoverawed Dick Garcia.

Captain Keek |Fard - sporting his souvenirintricacies of a spaceship!control panel to anX

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S3 will be paid for each happiness letterprinted. SendZj entries to theMERCYHURST ENQUIRER, Erie, Pa.16546. W W * I XHappiness is hearing a good"Lisa Costello" joket-Laura CopneyHappiness would be havinga dorm named after me.-Dean Hall

Puna, mistook Mercyhurst, forSteve Curcio's thin driveway andlanded at the school on the hill.Fard and 10 ofhis 68 man crewdonned ft heir best leisure suits,and set out to explore this strangenew world."They seem like nice guys / andthey dress really well, too," com-mented Curcio. \"When we saw Stevie, we feltright at home," said Fard."But look what they did to theladies room door!" shouted IgorStalsky from inside the facility.;Despite the? damage, studentswere at first unaware of the event."I just thought they were Gan-non transfers,'' claimed JoaniePodolinski, a 'Hurst senior.Junior'jj!Maria Santangelo wasunavailable for comment.The visitors were welcomed at a

gala Blue Room receptionlate last week, an d attendmost of Mercyhurst's finesGuest speaker at thtravaganza wa s football Tony DeMeo, who spok"Recruiting on Neptune;Big Do You Buys Get, AnyThough many local lumattended the spectacularcluding Mercyhurst PreWilliam P . Garvey, populweatherman Vance McBridSteve Curcio / Captain Farhad eyes for Aiello." W ei hope to be marrsoon as possible," Aiello sed. "I've decided that I'llmy position here."Then, since we're bothfans of the sport, we're gotour on the mud wrestling with Steve Curcio."

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"They came in throughK here,'* Stalsky pointeangry at the destruction caused by the intergaintruders.

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I By A .J.Mary andChunk Snob " W h y dofthese to|me?,,{ lamented jathings always [happen breathless jj Shirley^ [ Hordinskim directlyfollowing a close call.1

Rare exclusive |police photos unethicallyobtained from the Security Safe atMercyhurst.p CLIP AND SAVE

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"Rome has always been like home to m e /' thewould-be-Pontiff confessed. $kk !

"Y es , I want tolbePope. I rea l l y want tobe Pope!" | 1 I H3 Those are the words of formerStudent Development Director E.William Kennedy. When learningthat Mercyhurst President Garveyactually left his post to pursue arock and roll career, Kennedy saidhe was inspired to do the samething and go after Ihis lifelongambition. I 81 | P ^ p w*"Rome {has always been likehome to Jime,"! theii would-be-Pontiff j confessed. JAlthough hehas never been there, he said hehas always liked to mill around intravel j agencies collec t ingbrochures about Italy and gazingat the travel posters. Wm S cSB "And I love to wear tall hats,to o," added Kennedy. He told theENQUIRER* hat at homeTh ealways made a habit of trying onlarge hats in front of his mirror.His gformer secretary! SallySchrader said that she remembersordering Abe Lincoln hats, duncecaps, $sombreros, and, of course,rented Pope hats so that her bosscould pursue his habit. |d Tyrone Moore, director ofCareer Services, said that severaltimes when he visited Kennedy in

his I office,; the, administratorwould be boning up on his Latinand waving a yardstick with a foilball on the end of it. "I guess hepretended it j? was a scepter,"assumed Moore. * tjjjlaS Junior Maria Santangelo was asusual, unavailable for comment.I As a going away gift, the Mer-cyhurst community presentedKennedy with a Josten's fish ing.S "If and when I [become PopeEugene I, I'll never forget you allwhen I see this ring," he declared.^ During his employment at the'Hurst, William Kennedy hastouched many lives of the studentswho are enrolled at the school onthe hill. S P n l Mj | "We have become great friendsover ?the {years,'' commentedsenior Mary Fatigati. "After pro-blemsfwith fire hoses, bathroomdoors, and many out-of-hand par-ties, his only request from me is tohand over my first born son to theChurch " I g|gj % 3J|j | Former? student and ex-employee of Kennedy, PatriciaPhillipi was j not available forcomment. * '$&&& mNewly | elected MSG PresidentDave Robinson will give up hisnew position at the 'Hurst totravel with Kennedy and sell JelloPudding Pops 1in front of tthe

Vatican. JH 8jt * "I will not forget the 'Hsaid jRobinson. "The monmake peddling pops will beMercyhurst so I may keep omy campaign promises; to grape vines on the maintefence." & L Z- J&

Merger IMContinued from page 5

the bombing of several lavathroughout the school. Thisof revolutionaries is reporteby MSG * president-electRobinson, |and advised byknown liberal/conservativeBarry Grossman. |1 Dr. Garvey, outgoing preof Mercyhurst, appeared ecabout the merger, as he dispthe Edinboro pennant in hfice. Garvey said that he wahappy about the* potentiaacademic | improvement,Garvey also informed thequirer that he will be unavafor further comment, due leaving on an overseas tourhis new rock gro up.

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E.T. and a host of othershave really gained. . .popularity - for lack of abetter term - said HistoryProf Mike McQuillen.

Didn't anyone ever tellSteven Spielberg that it'snot polite to point?ques-t i o n e d A d m i s s i o n sCounselor Steve Frisina.

A Polish JE.T.? fls DKubiak imitating E.Tis the getting \down funky beat? \

Winner! Criminal Justice instructor Raymondstrikes the pose that won him dinner for two atMary's Puppy Palace as the first place finisherENQUIRER'S annual E.T. look-alike contest!

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* Gary Bukowski, phone hom e!

the merciad, april 1, 1983

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