2THE REGULAR JOE

Letter From the Editor

Welcome to September, the month of school, college classes, part-time jobs, and cooler weather (although the latter remains to be seen before it’s believed). We’re on a wild ride of support this month for the Austin community, with stories on the cleverly-designed new ZACH Theatre (yes, that’s the right spelling) and the beginnings of Kerbey Lane. Our main story, as you can see from the front cover, is about roller derby in Texas. Those girls are bad a*s, and if you go see them on September 8th at the Convention Center, you’ll be impressed with their level of skill in a pair of roller skates. If you check the mugshots near the back, you’ll see one very cute dog called Rook that is looking for a loving home. He’s one of the latest additions to Austin Pets Alive!— a nonprofit organization dedicated to keeping Austin a no-kill city. Since its inception, it has saved the lives of over 15,000 pets. We’ve had some great feedback on the paper and also some questions, such as: Why did you use the tagline “Keeping Austin Regular” instead of “Keeping Aus-tin Weird”? Well, we’d rather avoid copy-right issues down the road, so we came up with something new that made us laugh, and will also give us a great “in” for a lo-cal prune company’s ad down the road.... :) Why do you write your interviews as if the interviewee is the one writing it? We like all our stories to be written “from the heart, to the heart,” and we think you can get that if we don’t cut in with our personal opinions and comments. Why do you only distribute downtown? We’d rather do an excellent, concentrated job than a scattered one, and it makes sense to start in the heart of a city rather than on its

fringes. Once people start to recognize the paper and more local businesses advertise with us, we can think about branching out to the greater Austin area. We’ve also had the pleasure of getting to know more local business owners and strategizing with them — we really want to help show off their offerings in the best possible way. We loved board game night at Chedd’s and Hut’s Hamburgers two-for-one deals, both on a Wednesday night. We’re also getting to know people on a personal level: Travis at Capital Construction loves marlin fishing; Leslie at Leader’s Edge Coaching uses all her advice on herself before she recommends it to anyone else. Shane Simms has the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on an insur-ance agent; Leah at Mediate Austin is so good that lawyers back away when they hear she’s the mediator. Bryan of the Crazy Idiots not only has a crazy band — he also throws great catered gigs in your home. And finally Vince at Stallion Fund-ing — we’ve had our 401k with him for years, and he really can get you 12 percent back on your money (depending on which investment option you choose). There are so many good people in Aus-tin. Call us, email us, write to us. We can’t wait to get to know more of you. Cheers, Sally

Our cover photo was taken at the roller derby’s Star of Texas Bowl Tournament by Gerry Hanan.

UPCOMING PET EVENTS September 1

(8am): Keep Austin Well 5K at Arbor Trails

September 14-16 (10am-6pm): PetSmart National

Adoption Weekend at Brodie PetSmart

September 29 (8:30am): Strut Your Mutt pledge

walk at Mueller Lake Park

www.austinpetsalive.org/events

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4THE REGULAR JOE

Dear Regular Joe, Thank-you for bringing the Regular Joe to Austin! It isn’t so long that I can’t read it all in one sitting; love that. I especially liked the cover and the spotlight on Vintage Heart Coffee. I look forward to future issues! Berni Lewis

Hi Regular Joe staff, My name’s Joh. I’m an Austin townie who’s been here on and off for a little over ten years. Found your new mag out and wanted to drop a line of en-couragement plus a tip on something you might want to print. In case you don’t know, The Tiniest Bar in Texas is currently fighting to hold onto its property downtown and keep it from developers who would rather have another multi-use (as I understand it). If you want to be vocal about local business, here’s a bright chance to help one out. I think it’s great to see a publication devoted to local art, busi-ness, and economy, and wish you the best. Until next time, Joh www.change.org/petitions/city-man-ager-marc-ott-help-save-tiniest-bar-in-texas I picked up your paper downtown and I truly enjoyed reading it. It was refreshing and informative. Looking forward to the next issue.

Erene Ladies, Loved the paper. I was sitting at my doctor’s office when I saw your first issue, and brought it home with me so I could finish it. Being new to town, it’s good to know about local places to visit. I’m looking forward to seeing Mount Bonnell and following it up with a good cuppa Joe. Kevin Witty and informative ... looking for-ward to the next issue. Dave Jellison I found your paper intriguing and quite creative. Bryan Davis

Joe’s Mailbox2. Letter from the Editor

4. What’s Inside

4. Joe’s Mailbox

5. Behind the Countertop: Ker-bey Lane Cafe

6. A Perfect Day in Austin

7. Single Mom Dating Rules

7. Review of “The Chaperone”

8/9. Texas Rollergirls - Third in the World

10. Those Split Seconds of Crunchiness

11. Zachary Scott

12. The Bobber Tree

13. To Those Who Let Us Fly 14. Joe’s Mugshots

15. Classifieds, jokes, word-search

What’s Inside?

Owners of The Regular Joe, Austin, LLC Kit Christie Sally Hanan Editor In Chief Sally Hanan Photography, Design & Layout Gerry Hanan Zack Hanan Contributors Stephanie De Luna Rose Di Grazia Erin Young Becky Carleton Sally Hanan Kit Christie Jay Kerner

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Behind the countertop: Kerbey Lane CaféInterview with Karli Isiyel, Marketing Coordinator As told to Stephanie De Luna

In 1980, Patricia Atkinson and David Ayer lived in the back of where the original Kerbey Lane stands strong today. The structure, located at 3704 Kerbey Lane, used to be a French restaurant named Café Camille. At the time there weren’t many options for high-quality, healthy food in Aus-tin; Patricia and David saw that and wanted to open an establishment that offered customers food made with

local ingredients that they enjoyed eating. The couple acquired the front building for the new restaurant, and that’s how Kerbey Lane was born. That’s where it all started. By no means did Patricia and David think that the restaurant would turn into an Austin icon back then. They basically started a restaurant be-

cause they didn’t have any places that they liked eating at in Austin, and they wanted a different type and quality of food for a reasonable price. When the restaurant first opened its doors, Patricia was pregnant with Mason, now director of operations for Kerbey Lane. It was a humble beginning, and Mason was around for all of it. Patri-cia and David hired Kerbey Lane’s first employees (pictured below) from the general public, but the sense of family was really strong. Patricia and David were there all the time, so the employees were essentially their fam-

ily. The original house has been replaced piece by piece over the years. Ker-bey Lane was a struggling restaurant for many years, but it’s very different now than it was back then. When the restaurant first started, we weren’t a 24-hour diner. Kerbey Lane had separate menus for breakfast and lunch, but then the owners realized

that they could morph the menus and serve any meal at any time of the day. That’s the angle Patricia and David took. They wanted a homegrown busi-ness, so that’s what they moved on. They did the buying local thing before anyone did it. We chose our four other locations based on necessity and our growing

customer base. It helped that we were a 24-hour restaurant in a college town where people go after a party, show, or whatever. We’re always there. The restaurant was very family-oriented when it started, and we still are, even though we are a much bigger

The Kerbey Group c. 1982

company now. We like to look out for our employees. We know that you get back what you give, so we try to provide our employees with benefits that some other companies don’t. We provide even our part-time serv-ers with 401k, insurance, and meal plans. We try to make our employees happy because we know that it will in turn make our customers happy. We also get involved with company volunteer initiatives like Habitat for Humanity workdays and Keep Austin Beautiful lake cleanups. We have monthly donation budgets, so we try to contribute to little league teams or anything else that’s going on in the local Austin community.

The Southwest Kerbey Lane loca-tion was established in 2010 and was the first location to have the new look and feel that we wanted to convey in the rest of the Kerbey Lane locations that have been renovated (UT/South

Kerbey Lane in its original locationLamar). We still want them to be in-dividual and unique, so they all have their little quirks. We want a retro diner feel versus actually being retro. We designed the kitchen in a differ-ent way that we thought would best for the workflow of our employees. Kerbey Lane does want to ex-pand, so logistically we’re just trying to figure out what the best choice for us is. If we find a right spot and feel it’s a good choice, we’ll take the opportunity. We’ll still have the same employees, we’ll still have the same food, and we’ll still have the same values. Wherever we may be, we’ll always focus on the local community.

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A Perfect Day in Austinby Rose Di Grazia

With school back on the calendar, now is the time to head out to enjoy what’s left of the summer! For all you day-trippers, Austin has so much to offer in the way of fun and food. I highly recommend starting your morning off with a good strong cup

of caffeine on SoCo (known as South Congress by all you newcomers and tourists). Make your first stop at Enoteca Vespaio café and restaurant — my first choice when it comes to brunch, lunch, exquisite desserts, cof-fee, and impeccable service. The café serves up a fantastic Sunday brunch of various egg dishes, bacon, biscuits, French bread, and all kinds of coffee drinks and juices. You won’t want to leave without taking home some deli-cious deli cheeses and pastries. When-ever I take a trip to SoCo, I stop in for my favorite powdered-sugar wedding

cookies; one cookie simply won’t be enough. The restaurants also serve up authentic Italian pizza and pasta, wine, and Italian beer. No reservation is re-quired or taken at Enoteca. Please call (512) 441-6100 to make reservations for Vespaio. After you have had your fill on SoCo, it’s time to do a little shop-ping. The street has a plethora of dress shops, antique shops, gag gift shops, an ice cream parlor, and even an old barber shop. Spend the midmorning walking off your meal and perusing the stores. If you are itching for more exer-cise, drive to the Auditorium Shores parking lot at 800 West Riverside Drive and hike around Lady Bird Lake. Choose how much of the 10.1 miles trail you’d like to walk (many choices available thanks to its four pe-destrian bridges)[www.townlaketrail.org]. If you feel like a lazier alterna-tive, head over to the Umlauf Sculp-ture Garden (located just off Barton Springs) to enjoy the bronze sculp-tures and beautiful grounds [www.umlaufsculpture.org]. By now you may be wondering what to have for lunch, so why not head to Abuelos on the 360 side of the Barton Creek Square Mall park-ing lot? This restaurant is famous for its delicious Mexican food, fantastic happy hours, and the best Latin salsa-flavored band called The Brew! Sit a spell on the patio, and don’t forget

your dancing shoes! [www.abuelos.com]. For some real cool fun, take a dive at Volente Beach. The waterpark is filled with fast slides, a kiddie pool, a sandy beach to lie out on, and a great spot to get a burger and fries. It’s the perfect place to soak up the sun. The kids will thank you if you go on the weekend [www.shoreclubtx.com]. If you drive to Volente, you may as well end the day watching the sunset at the Oasis. This café is known for its breathtaking views of the lake: www.oasis-austin.com [For those of you who like living on the wild side, go on down to the Austin Zoo instead of Volente Beach. Stop in the gift shop to get your tickets, and don’t forget one for the train ride. The zoo, which is home to more than 300 different ani-mals, is located in the gorgeous Texas Hill Country [www.austinzoo.org]. Why not end your night with a trip to the theatre? The Long Center

Photo by Drew Kolbis on Riverside Drive and S. 1st St., and is famous for such shows as the Nutcracker, Wicked, or the Lion King; it’s also known for its opera and many world-famous celebrity appearances [www.thelongcenter.org]. And finally, before driving back home, give yourself a big round of ap-plause for getting out and exploring all that Austin has to offer and for picking up a copy of our paper!Photo by Joseph Allen

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Single Mom Dating Rules

“The Chaperone”

By Erin Young

Although games are as much a part of our culture as the 4th of July, whether it’s a heated match of Monopoly or real life’s Keeping Up with The Joneses, I’m typically a mediocre opponent. Now I’m being reintroduced to an old game with new rules that searches for one winner out of a thousand losers — the Dating Game. The “game” has changed from whence I played last, and admittedly I’m a little rusty. Walking up to that plate, with enough baggage to fill an airport, is not exactly Candy Land. The effectual impacts of trying to date as a single mother of three small children were disastrous enough. Adding the new rulebook associated with our era of technology and texting and, dare I say it, sexting, made me wish there was an instructional course. As a regular Facebooker, I had

to learn a whole slew of cyber stipulations now earmarked to the original three-day-no-call rule: When I found myself in the initial “talking” stage of a relationship, the socially acceptable friend requests were made, but posting on walls was still not condoned. Social media had to progress naturally; one couldn’t simply go on a liking-commenting-posting binge. It had to be approached in order, from the least to most invasive. One guy blatantly told me he didn’t like “people” posting on his wall. Friends balked when even slight innuendos were publicized too quickly. Those waters had to be treaded lightly. Was there a formula to explain the number of likes or comments allowed per percentage of updates per week? Maybe a thermometer to gauge the degree of the nature of posts/comments? How was I to approach the very serious

Review by Becky Carleton

Today I spent ten hours finishing Lau-ra Moriarty’s new book “The Chaper-one.” My left elbow hurts from being bent so long holding the book up close to my myopic eyes. I had read the first seventy or so pages of the novel over the course of a few days, but on my first day off in what felt like two weeks, I had some rare free time. I sat in my comfy chair and read.

step of changing my relationship status? Eventually, I found someone I was willing to introduce to my kids, and finally my semi-new significant other and I were having our first “real” weekend playing house. The twins, of course, decided that that was the day to have explosive diaper disorder at Wal-Mart. I had only anticipated a quick in-and-out, and did not bring a change of clothes. Naturally, I carried them into the bathroom like a sack of potatoes, hosed them off, put diapers on, said oh well to the lack of shorts, quickly grabbed the necessary groceries, and hustled on out. What I failed to notice was the look of sheer horror on the face of my significant other. I, of course, am so used to crap literally happening, I didn’t even remember to be mortified; but for him it was hellooo reality. And honestly, that was a good day. That’s the test. All you can do is ready yourself for gut-check time. If gold

And sipped coffee. And answered the occasional question and request for food and drink from my six-year-old daughter. I don’t really even have anything coherent to say about this fantastic book. Often when I first read a book, it affects me personally, but I can’t quite describe how or why. I’ll probably im-mediately start rereading it tomorrow so I can geek out in amazement at how Moriarty crafted such a fine story that deals with topics of birth and death and time and how, as our country has evolved socially, so can a person’s opinions evolve while that person still remains who she is, essentially? Cora Carlisle is one of the most well-round-ed, fleshed out, realistic characters in fiction I’ve had the pleasure of know-ing. And it’s not just the protagonist. Her husband, his lover, her lover, and their nosy neighbors all seem like liv-ing breathing people who understand

what it’s like to hide behind secrets in fear that others will judge, but none-theless somehow find ways to love and live meaningful lives. And then there’s Louise Brooks, based on the real-life movie star. The plot revolves around one summer when Cora chaperones Brooks on a trip to New York — a few years be-fore she becomes a star. I had to keep reminding myself that I was reading historical fiction and not a biography. This book is far beyond celebrity bio, however. It’s about how maybe the reason so many celebrity bios are so trashy is because celebrities, in reality, are just like you and me. This book is deep. It’s about loving our enemies, not because we’ve been commanded to do so but because we know them. We attempt to understand them. We empathize with them. It’s about bust-ing out of outdated social conventions that squeeze the happiness from our lives. Read it. If you’re like me, it will make you feel happy to be alive.

isn’t struck, you gear up for another round, safety harness and all. I mistakenly have dived head first into the deep end of the broken rule pool a time or two. Luckily, I have good girlfriends that throw me a llifeline when I get in over my head; they remind me about the tactics of self-preservation and then shake their heads as they watch me do it wrong all over again. I’m a good enough swimmer to keep from drowning, but the mischievous side of me just can’t help but play the game like the rules are meant to be broken.

8THE REGULAR JOE

PlayLocal.

From toy stores to sports and outdoor gearlocally-owned merchants are more fun!

www.ibuyaustin.comThinkLocal.

BeLocal. BuyLocal.

Austin Independent Business Alliance

September’s Bout-Day Saturday September 8 | Austin Convention Center, Exhibit Hall 5 | Doors open 5:15 p.m.; Bout 1: 6 p.m.; Bout 2: 7:30 p.m. | Single-night tickets: General admission, advance: $12; Student and military, advance: $10, General admission, on the day: $15; VIP: $22; Children under 12: Free | brownpapertickets.com/event/216896

Join the Rollergirls! All interested skaters start off in the Primer group for a 12-week skate session. Any skater wanting to join a higher level group must bass the skills assessment first. | $60 x 1/week, $115 x 2/week per skater | Annual insurance $30 | Register at SportsSignup.com

Interview with Aimee Blasé AKA Sinnerfold #77, CCO of Texas Roller-girls, Inc.; As told to The Regular Joe There’s an addictive element to watch-ing a roller derby team working as one on the track. It acts like a Zen collective mind, a fluid-filled cell, a non-verbal entity forming an amoeba-like wall. That’s what got me in the beginning.

I went to the orthopedic doctor to ask him what I needed to do for my knee in order to be able to play roller derby. Many of us have injuries — I have a torn ACL that has disintegrated to nothing. My doctor thought I was crazy and told me to stick to swim-ming and cycling, but I’ve built up the muscles around my knee as much as possible and continue to build it; noth-ing can keep me away. We all wear the basic gear — helmets, elbow and knee pads, wrist and mouth guards — but after that we just have to fall well. To us, injuries are just time off the track,

not a deterrent. This is an amateur sport – the skaters don’t get paid. All of the girls on our teams have 40-hour day jobs as photographers/bartenders/physics and astronomy teach-ers, yet they still practice 3-5 times a week and fit in gym time on top of that. I really can’t tell you why we do it. It is the most challenging, addictive thing I have ever done, but I never dread coming to work out. I love every minute of practice and game play. The revival of roller derby started about 10 years ago with the goal for them to play on a banked track, but it came to the point when the skaters had to buy their own $30,000 track and find ongoing storage for it. They were practicing and bouting on a flat track when they figured — why not just adjust the game to be played flat? That way the girls could keep the sport as a non-profit effort and make it easier for oth-ers to form their own roller derby groups. The flat track actually ended up much better for the game because spectators can see the action more clearly and get much closer. The flat track allows the skaters to adjust the speed of the game – they go from a sprint to a stop and then a sprint again, and they learn to hit a girl out and stop inbounds on a boundary line — which takes a great deal of skill. Another huge benefit to skating on a flat track is that skaters can race on any flat surface. Take a basketball court and some tape and you can have a bout. That’s why it has spread so fast. Why not make it easy? There are now over 30,000 flat track skaters and over 1,000 leagues in almost every country

Texas Rollergirls -

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Third in the World

Junior League/Austin Derby Brats Fall session: September 9-December 9 | Ages 8-17 | All interested skaters will either skate at beginners or advanced level based on assessed skills level. | Practise is twice a week. | Daughters of adult Rollergirls will get a 10 % discount. | Register at sportssignup.com/Austin-Derby-Brats-Online-Registration.start | Email questions to austinderbybrats@texasrollergirls.org

Sponsorship Opportunities The Rollergirls would love and appreciate sponsorship of the team by local and national businesses. Send all inquiries to sponsorship@txrollergirls.com.

EatLocal.

Locally owned restaurants offer more choices

and your dollars stay in Austin!

www.ibuyaustin.comThinkLocal.

BeLocal. BuyLocal.

Austin Independent Business Alliance

in the world, and there is talk of making flat track roller derby an Olympic sport for 2020 … and it all started right here in Austin. Some of the girls have been here with us for ten years, helping build this thing from the ground up. You don’t own the football team you play for but we own this, and when we add our passion and our time, it makes it something really special. The Texas Rollergirls based in Aus-tin is made up of four home teams: the Hell Marys, Honky Tonk Heartbreakers, Hotrod Honeys, and Hustlers, as well as an all-star travel team called the Texecu-tioners and a B-Team called the Firing Squad. The home teams play each other throughout the home season at the Austin Convention Center. The travel team, the Texecutioners, play other travel teams all over the world leading up to the South Central regional tournament in Septem-ber. That team rotates about 17-20 of our best skaters. The top 3 teams from each of the four regions then play each other in November to determine the international champions. Last year the Texas Rollergirls ended the season 3rd in the world! If you’re coming to see a game for the first time, don’t get overwhelmed — it gets more fun as you learn the rules and understand the game a bit more. In the same way that you don’t enjoy football until you understand it, you need to give this game a bit of time. To summarize: A game will take 60 minutes — two halves with a mid-game break. The main job of a team is to stop the opposing jammer — the jammer is the girl with the star on her hel-met who scores points for every opposing

player that she passes. They also must help their own jammer get through the pack, often simultaneously having to play offense and defense. A jam runs for 2 minutes unless ended early by the lead jammer. Sometimes a skater can gain as many as 40 points in just one jam. If you’re interested in skating with us, we have tryouts every October and a recreational league you can join anytime. We have teams for all shapes, ages, and levels of experience. Some never played a day of sports in their lives before derby. Some of the Texas Rollergirls were Ivy League sports-women. One of them played hockey for Harvard. Once you’ve left college, where do you go? What do you do? You join the Rollergirls. Regardless of your background, this sport has the ability to consume you. From practicing to competing to helping run the non-profit business that is Texas Rollergirls, Inc., what starts as a hobby can easily become your life; but I can’t imagine not being a part of this very special organization. I am so very honored to be a Texas Rollergirl.

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ZACH Celebrates the New Topfer Theatre!Interview with Elisbeth Challener Managing Director After months of preparation and much anticipation, ZACH Theatre is about to realize the culmination of a dream — the opening of its new state-of-the-art Topfer Theatre! The 420-seat Topfer will double Zach’s capacity, giving artists and audiences a regional theatre befitting of Austin’s dynamic cultural community.

To celebrate, ZACH will host a spectacular gala in September followed by an exciting season of productions with a dream theme— from chasing the American dream to places where dreams are realized. Managing Director, Elisbeth Challener, shared the events leading up to the opening. “The new theatre was a dream of Dave Steakley’s (Producing Artistic Director) for 20 years. He’d directed many great shows, but there were limitations to what could be produced. One of our most successful shows, ‘Porgy and Bess,’ was produced off-site at Austin Music Hall. It became clear that Austin lacked a midsize theatre. UT has some midsize theaters, but they’re reserved for UT productions. Time and again, people had told us what they loved most about ZACH was the sense of intimacy and feeling part of the production. We needed a theatre that could offer more while retaining

that connection.” In 2006, citizens voted to approve

a new theatre and creativity center, and in 2010, bond money was applied toward ZACH’s fundraising goal of $22 million. “We received some wonderful donations,” recalled Challener. “Mort and Bobbi Topfer (for whom the theatre is named) continue to be incredible supporters. Austin’s response, during a recession, is a tribute to this city and its love for the arts.”

Groundbreaking in February 2011 was a memorable day for Challener. Subzero temperatures forced the gathered dignitaries and crowd inside, only to experience a rolling blackout. “Dave made us all laugh, saying, ‘Welcome to ZACH’s icebreaking!’”

Architects Andersson-Wise, designers of Block 21 – home to the W Hotel and ACL Live — created

a modern, comfortable and “green” space. The auditorium uses LED lighting, the second of only two theaters in the country. A proscenium stage, fly tower, trapped stage, and adjustable acoustics are some of the features that will allow ZACH’s shows — created by Austin designers, craftspeople and actors — to transfer to other regional theaters. Seats will have excellent sight lines. Increased capacities will not only let ZACH do its own productions, but host Broadway’s biggest stars and provide performance space for local companies like Conspirare and Austin Chamber Music Center. The two-story lobby overlooks an open-air plaza offering spectacular views of Austin and Lady Bird Lake. The grounds have a “theatre in a park” feel, with rain gardens and native trees.

All these features will make their debut on September 27th, when “Once

Upon a Dream,” a black tie gala featuring Broadway legend Berna-dette Peters, kicks off the celebration! Following that on September 29th is “Deep in the Heart of ZACH,” an evening with Brian Stokes Mitchell, Broadway star of “Ragtime” and Tony Award winner for “Kiss Me Kate!” He’ll be joined by ZACH performers in a sneak peak of “Ragtime,” while the entire campus keeps the party go-ing with local musicians, alumni, and great food. “’Ragtime’ is one of my favorite musicals,” says Challener. It had long been on Steakley’s wish list and was the perfect opener for many reasons, including having never been produced locally, using a full orchestra, and be-ing written by native Texan Terrance McNally. It, too, deals with dreams and changes — themes that resonate with ZACH and Austin today. Other productions include the be-loved classic “White Christmas” and a world premiere by the most produced playwright in America — who calls Austin home— Steven Dietz. His “Mad Beat Hip & Gone” explores the road adventures of Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassady from the perspective of guys in the car behind them. Visit zachtheatre.org for more info, and learn about the seat-naming initia-tive to permanently honor someone. Come see a show. ZACH is excited to welcome you!

(L-R) Andersson, Challener, and Steakley

The Topfer Theatre

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Those Split Seconds of CrunchinessBy Sally Hanan The Saintly Wife My husband touched it as if it were pure bullion, and to him, it was. It stood there proudly, gleaming from a recent coat of hand-polished wax — a dark green, four-door BMW. My mouth hurt from my happy smiles for my man. In order to understand his joy, one should be aware that for the previous four years my husband had driven a very old work van that was equipped with a steering wheel and not much else. A healthy tax return had enabled us to find this precious pot of gold on eBay, and we couldn’t wait to smell the plether.* For the occasion, we drove the family down to the big city in a rented minivan. I had a GPS licked to the windscreen, which helped us to get onto the right overpasses and into the parking lot where this little gem sat waiting. It was the smallest model one can buy in the BMW series, and my husband had wanted one that was a manual drive so that he could pick up on power. The smile on his face after he drove it around the block should have been on a TV show.

I sat with the kids while he flour-ished the pen over the sale documents, and jumped up to rejoice with him when he waved the key in our direc-tion. He planned to follow close behind our minivan so as to benefit from our GPS system. Cars were lined up on both sides of the exit. My husband pulled up beside me so that he could pull out at the same time and stay on my tail. Frontage road traffic was swift and voluminous, and just as we saw a gap and were about to pull out, a vehicle pulled up to the exit wanting to get in. My husband looked over his left shoulder and started to reverse, at the same moment as I looked over my right shoulder and did the same

thing…. CRUNCH. I knew what had happened, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. “What happened, Mommy,” said a little voice from the back. “I think I crashed into your daddy’s new car.” “Oh no!” That was an understatement. My shaky hand managed to find the door handle and I slipped from on high and let my feet find their way over to where my husband stood — right beside the foot-long dent in the back door. His eyes joined with mine. His arms lifted up to rest around

my torso. And he said … “It’s only a car.” I don’t believe anything that good went through his mind in those split seconds of crunchiness, but he made a choice as he stepped out of his waxed piece of mangled metal, and because of it, I have canonized him as my personal saint. He made a choice in those mo-ments. Because of it, he is still alive to tell the tale.… P.S. If you want him to be the main speaker at your next men’s group, call 1800-BE-SMART. It could save lives. (Kidding)

*plether = fake leather

12THE REGULAR JOE

The Bobber TreeBy Jay Kerner Regular Joe Founder Wherever there is a body of water, from the smallest of ponds to the larg-est of oceans, the creatures of the land use their skills and abilities to lure the bounty below for their sustenance; other times, they do it simply for their own amusement. From the caveman with a sharpened stick, all the way to the modern dude in $200 waders and a fly rod that cost more than a decent used automobile, man has endeavored to bring fish to shore. I, myself, have always enjoyed the restorative quality of sitting near water. On occasion I’ve even used an un-baited rod as a bit of subterfuge. (A visible pole makes you a fisherman. Without it, you’re just another bum by the lake.) Just last week, the Queen (wife) had me out on the walking trail that meanders past our city’s most popular fishing spot. She was eyeballing the steep incline beyond it to the east. I was eyeballing the bench, convenient-ly located in a welcoming patch of shade on the north bank. We quickly negotiated one of the endless compro-mises that have kept us together into our fourth decade. She would conquer the hill, while I would stretch out as best as I could the position of the aptly named Lazy Boy recliner. I didn’t close my eyes completely. I sometimes like to leave them open just

a slit and peer at the world through a thin curtain of eyelashes, changing the scene before me from one of sharp lines and edges to one slightly more impressionistic. With my visible world just the slightest bit out of focus, I sometimes notice things I wouldn’t otherwise. This time I noticed the bob-bers. The massive tree I sat beneath wasn’t just protecting my bench and the bank around it. It was also shad-ing a large area of the pond at my feet. Cold-blooded fish move about their watery environs seeking tempera-tures to their liking. Fishermen do the same around the watery edges. This particular tree seemed to be the ideal intersection of both species on this particular pond. The concept of Mother Nature is comforting to me. I like the idea of an all-seeing, all-knowing referee, if

you will, passing out the instincts and specialized senses to maintain a bal-ance of sorts between the various prey and their … well, preyers. Our human species is never one to accept this balance as a matter of course. Man will use every trick, every concoction, and every late night TV contraption to tip the scales in his favor. (Like that? Scales, get it?) Mother Nature is more subtle. She grows a beautiful tree to cool both the fish and the fisherman. But when things get just a little too one-sided, she takes one majestic branch and bends it away from its natural path towards the sun, and back towards the water. Right smack dab at the crest of where your perfect cast would go, as you attempt to land your baited offering in the sweet spot in the water where the sun meets the shade. That sneaky bi*ch! Sorry, but I bet the old

girl has heard plenty worse from this very spot. Without getting up for a closer look, I counted 13 separate fishing bobbers dangling like Christmas orna-ments from the rogue branch and its offshoots. Most were the traditional red and white in a variety of sizes, but there were a couple of dayglow jobs mixed in. You would have thought the first half dozen or so would have been a visible enough hazard warning, but apparently not. I could just hear a couple of buddies on the bank. “Hey, Darryl, look at all the dum-mies who can’t cast worth a.…” Zzzzzzzzzz … snag ... dangle … “Crap! Where’s the tackle box?”

I’ve never really thought about it, but I bet there’s a bobber tree on just about every pond, lake, stream, or what have you; a place where the balance of nature … sort of levels out a little. Or then again, maybe they’re just re-lated to the tree that keeps eating Charlie Brown’s kites.

Photo by William Wensel

Photo by Keith Bell

13 THE REGULAR JOE

To Those Who Let Us Flyby Kit ChristiePublisher I’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings. Spring is typically a time of newness and rebirth, but I think the fall has a better lock on it. Kids going back to school. Performing groups announcing their new season. The TV shows, for crying out loud! I smile, reading a friend’s Facebook posting: “We’re growing a human!” I’ve never given birth, and yet I celebrate that feeling too with the release of this paper. In the midst of these beginnings, I recently experienced an ending that touched me deeply — the death of my mother-in-law, Beverly. After a two-year illness, she passed away peacefully, surrounded by family. She was family to me, not just an in-law. I often marveled at my luck in finding a compatible husband and M-I-L. I’d heard stories, you know. In fact, I was welcomed by the entire Christie family as a teenager, emotional baggage and all. I came from a loving but somewhat dysfunctional family. I wasn’t sure I’d be accepted by my boyfriend’s more stable clan. The first time I met her, Beverly put me at ease. She had a devout religious faith, but it came with a very open-minded nature. I could tell in how she interacted with her kids. She loved their creative pursuits and giggled with delight at their stories. I sensed a window. Glossing over my family history, I shared with her what I loved most about my upbringing — the creative freedom I’d had: At my house we sang carols on Christmas Eve after cutting up bed sheets and bending coat hangers into awesome angel costumes. At a friend’s house, we stayed up all night writing sketches or playing Beatles albums at full volume and never heard “Turn that down!” At school, we made messes blowing sand over the opening credits

of a student film. Okay, so “Dust in the Wind” didn’t place at the festival. It was a start. (Thanks, Mr. Stine.) Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise —Paul McCartney Mom C got me. Scott and me together. After we married, we moved to Chicago. She missed us, but knew we had to explore life beyond our humble hometown. We promised to visit and take family trips together. We did, and I treasure those times. Once, after one of our many relocations, she told us, prophetically, “You’ll probably end up in Texas someday.” She never made it to Austin. We’d tell her about our fixer-upper or the colorful people we’d met. I’d tell her about the paper. She was intrigued, but her health was ailing and she was slowing with each visit. I sometimes wondered if I’d disappointed her, moving away with her son, not having children. But no, she seemed to take satisfaction in knowing her own children were happy. She revealed that recently by something she gave us — bags of notes, poems, drawings. Our creative offerings to her. She had saved everything. And then she was gone.

My mother-in-law was laid to rest the day the first issue of this paper went to print. I’ve never experienced such opposing emotions simultaneously. I’ll miss her. I know she would have loved the paper and learning why we love living here. Austin is a city full of dreamers. Artists. Entrepreneurs. People from other places who have left family and friends behind. People who grew up here and never left because they love the vibe. As Austin grows, that vibe might change a bit. New buildings replace old or spring up next to cherished landmarks. But there’s a constancy I see in the change. We, as a city, want our dreamers to keep dreaming. To not forget the old but be willing to begin anew. To support each other in becoming the best we can be. To fly.

My mother-in-law was like that. All of you who give your loved ones your blessing to pursue their bliss — whether they are miles away or next door — give the greatest gift. All your life You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Beverly Christie 1928 - 2012

14THE REGULAR JOE

Joe’s Mug Shots

Tell your friends you saw them in the Joe!

15 THE REGULAR JOE

Who to Call!

Helen, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church’s mor-als, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone see-ing it there would know that he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Helen’s house … and he left it there all night.

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