Verum, Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum

Issue 69

Goal line technology to be used at Neppy Bar

Trials introduced after fight almost breaks out over service.

FIFA style goal line technology is to be introduced at pubs around Whitstable to determin

who was at the bar first.

The sysytem was introduced by Cllr Marjory Barjory of Canterbury Council after several

pub fights broke out during the Euro 2012 tournament and is to be installed with

immediate effect. “Fights breaking out in bars are a strain on the emergency services and

we need goal line style technology to stop the spread of violence in our pubs”.

Darren Wilton, landlord of The Old Neptune in

Whitstable, said “I think it’s a great idea. I’ve lost

count of the amount of times I’ve had to break up a

fight between two people who claimed they were

at the bar first. It’s impossible to tell from the other

side of the jump and my staff often get a bit of stick

for not knowing who was first at the bar”.

John Terry cheating, three weeks ago.

Cameras are to be installed at each end of the bar, with landlords able to consult a TV

monitor when an action replay is shown.

The new technology will replace the ill-fated earlier trials where a ‘Linesman’ was

employed at one end of the bar to determine who reached it first. “It’s far cheaper to

have cameras” said Darren, “We had to pay the linesman an hourly wage for standing

around for hours. So we also gave him the job of mopping up any blood, which was quite

often his own when he got the decision wrong. It was a very flawed system”.

*

Recent Floods caused by ‘God’s Tears’

– Archbishop of Swalecliffe. The Archbishop of Swalecliffe has caused a storm by claiming

that the recent floods were caused by God crying at how the

world has turned out. Archbishop Archie Bishop told The Wind

Farm, “I believe that God is upset at stuff like gay marriage and

women bishops and all that malarky and he’s reached breaking

point. God never intended for the world to turn out this way.

Who can blame him for being upset?”.

Bishop claims also that the recent discovery of the Higgs Boson

particle was a ‘Bitter Blow’ for the almighty and fears of a knock

on effect. “Fancy waking up one morning and finding out that

you don’t really exist because a bunch of scientists made two

atoms smash together. It’s not a coincidence that the heaviest

floods occurred on the same day that the ‘God paticle’ was discovered”, he said, “Perhaps now we

should stop calling it the God Particle, come to think of it”.

Bishop’s claims, however, have been refuted by the Church Of England as ‘A load of ol’d flannel’

with Archbishop of Canterbury, Jim Carrey, saying “The floods were not caused by God’s tears at

all, but by God’s rage. He’s not crying, he’s just releasing his anger by making people who have

never done anything wrong suffer. That’s the problem with queers, you can never tell them apart

from the straights, so God’s taking no chances and flooding everyone”.

Carrey also rubbished Bishop’s claim that ‘Every time someone masturbates, God kills a kitten’.

But Bishop remains determined that his theory is correct, adding “Take ths Isle Of Wight festival. It

was a total washout. Why? Because Noel Gallagher played there, and not even a benevolent God

would put up with that cunt”.

Choking illness hits Whitstable

A new phantom sickness is wafting through the byways of Whitstable town. There have

been a number of instances of spontaneous choking during the last months. Usually

afflicting a couple taking a romantic night out, they enjoy a nice curry and all the extras,

when suddenly right at the end of the meal she catches a bone and gasps for air. Suddenly

she hurries away to the smallest room to adjust whilst her beau, equally suddenly, changes

colour and remonstrates with the restaurant staff. His demeanour becomes angered his

face flushed, and on his partners return refuses to pay and dashes her off. Presumably in

search of a member of the fire brigade to administer a Heimlich Humpe.

It is not known if this affliction is air or water borne but it has happened upon a number of

occasions, and is not restricted to Curry Houses having been spotted in pubs, clubs and

delicatessens county wide. To date no occurrences have been spotted on the upper deck of

the Canterbury omnibus. This condition may even be contagious and health practitioners

advise immediately vacating an area where a victim displays elevated blood pressure, loss of

feeling in the wallet or acute credit card crunch. Do not attempt to poke a victim with a

stick......

By Richard De Daubier

Carrier Bag-Gate! Mini Market worker blows whistle on bag scandal

An employee at Whitstable’s Mini Market has told The Wind Farm of a carrier bag scandal that left

him with a nervous breakdown, and he now feels he may never work again.

For legal reasons, we can only refer to him as “Mr X”, and was only allowed to interview him in a

darkened room with a balaclava on (Us, not him). Mr X told The Wind Farm about how ‘strong arm

tactics’ were being employed by CEO Georgio Georgiadis after pre-tax profits for the popular store

dipped below 71p.

“We knew things were difficult”, said Mr X, using a Dalek voice changer, “But no-one knew how bad

until a crisis meeting was called by the management”. During the meeting, he claims that staff were

told to ‘push’ the sale of carrier bags which are currently being sold for 3p each – and threatened

with reprisals if they didn’t.

“I was terrified. We all were”, Mr X wept, “We were

even ordered to sell carrier bags for the tiniest of

things, including 3 packets of rizlas for a pound”. Mr

X told us of an incident where a customer was

‘leaned on’ by staff after he refused a carrier bag for

the Whispa bar he’d just bought, and was stopped at

the door as he tried to leave.

“We blocked his exit and said ‘It really is in your best

interests to buy a bag, mate. We wouldn’t want you

to have an.......accident.....on the way home’.....He

was terrified and ended up buying TWO!”.

On another occasion, Mr X claims that he was forced to break into a customer’s house after he

refused a carrier bag, and stole 3p from his wallet before leaving a carrier bag on the kitchen table.

“We even used pressure tactics like trying to flog 2 for 5p”, he wept.

When The Wind Farm questioned Georgiadis about the scandal, he simply said, “Mr X? ...‘MR’

X....that’ll be young John, then. He’s the only male member of staff that works in the shop, you

idiots. He’ll be out on his fucking ear tomorrow”. Sorry John.

Man falls to his death after listening to The Drifters’ “Up On The Roof”.

A tearful widow has warned people not to listen to ‘Up On The Roof’ after her husband fell to his death

last weekend. Enid Snackbox, of Walmer Road, said, “This whole world was getting him down and he

decided to sit on the roof for a while. He slipped on some moss and fell on to the patio and died instantly”.

Enid continued, “One shouldn’t take songs too literally as this sort of thing can happen. Ironically, I was

taking him a cup of tea and a Drifter bar when I found him. He was only 51”.

Folkestone woman laughs her arse off. Literally.

Folkestone police are investigating the mysterious death of a local

woman who appears to have laughed her arse off, resulting in fatal

injury. Fay Wrey, 38, of Dover Road, Folkestone was described by

neighbours as the life and soul of the area, and was well known locally

for her Facebook and Twitter updates to 4,000 + friends and followers

in which she regularly used the abbreviation "LMAO" - or as the evening

wore on, "LMFAO".

Fay's body was discovered by police after neighbours complained about

her 12 cats attacking passing dogs and seagulls. Officers entered the

property and discovered the tragic scene.

Neighbour and father of 15, Noah Likey was retrieving his children's

ball from Fay's conservatory when police entered the property. "I'm

fuckin gutted," he said. " She were a top feckin bird. Once invited me

back to her gaff for a good time she said - feckin 'ell, she weren't

kidding! I went on the Waltzer, the dodgems and the Big Wheel - even

came home with a feckin goldfish!"

DSI Flopsy Bunny of Folkestone Police said "Ms Wrey was a very popular

local character and her death is a tragedy, which could have been

avoided. Unfortunately, she appears to have laughed her arse off,

possibly whilst watching Animals Do The Funniest Things."

According to national research, incidents of death by LMAO are on the

increase and more seriously, numbers of people who have died as a

result of LMFAO have doubled in the past year. DSI Bunny confirmed

this. "We appreciate that people want to have fun, but LMAO is just an

unacceptable risk. I would urge the public to limit themselves to PMSL

wherever possible - and if you find yourself in a position where LMFAO

may be a possibility, ensure you are with friends who can help reverse

the situation swiftly."

Anyone concerned about a friend or relative who may be in danger of

LMAO is advised to contact their local councillor.

By Folkestone Correspondent Allison Esson

David Woodtom, a regular to the charity circuit, has pledged to run alongside "Cushing's View", dressed as one of

Peter's most beloved characters in order to raise money for young leukaemia sufferers. He was banned from doing this

by torch sponsors' Coca Cola. A spokesman for Coca Cola said that a convicted shoplifter with his head enclosed in a

cage of rats was not something they wished to be associated with. "Why couldn't he just have chosen Van Helsing or

Grand Moff Tarkin?" said a frustrated sponsor. "We really don't need our brand to be associated with Orwell's '1984'" he

said from Coca Cola's Ministry of Information headquarters...

Cushing’s view bench to carry Olympic torch

through Faversham

Bob Geldof refused to comment this week after he was snubbed as Olympic torch

carrier in favour of famous bench from Whitstable.

Instead, local Hollywood star Peter Cushing's Cushing's Cushing View Bench is to be

put on wheels and paraded through Faversham with the Olympic Torch forced

through the wooden slats.

The Bench will then hand over the torch to singer and actor Christopher Lee who has

agreed to dress as Dracula for the occasion. “I’m very much looking forward to it”,

said Lee, “I’ve never been to Faversham”.

One security worker admitted that the parade, sponsored by A.J Barkaway the

Butcher, was giving them a headache. "The last thing we want is for 'Cushing's View'

to hit a stone, fracturing a wooden slat that then flies off into horror-fan's-favourite

Lee's heart”, he said.

David Woodtom, a regular to the charity circuit, has pledged to run alongside

"Cushing's View", dressed as one of Peter's most beloved characters in order to raise

money for young leukaemia sufferers. He was banned from doing this by torch

sponsors' Coca Cola. A spokesman for Coca Cola said that a convicted shoplifter with

his head enclosed in a cage of rats was not something they wished to be associated

with. "Why couldn't he just have chosen Van Helsing or Grand Moff Tarkin?" said a

frustrated sponsor. "We really don't need our brand to be associated with Orwell's

'1984'" he said from Coca Cola's Ministry of Information headquarters.

By Faversham Correspondent Mark John