8/9/2019 This Eulogy What Was Read at Charles Crocker's Grave

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 Friends, Roman, Countrymen, lend me yourears. I come not bury Crocker, but to marry Crocker. I come not to marry Crocker, but tocarry Mocker. I come not to curry favor, butto Gary Cooper. The kid stays in the picture.

 The evil that men do lives after them, it turnsall green & follows them around like a ghastly ghosty. The good is oft interred with theirboners, their boners, Nermal ! Man that is bornof a woman has but a short time to live, and isfull of misery & cheap vodka. He never goesthe bathroom before he leaves the house, andmust hold it in, making the journey seemlonger. He cometh up, he cometh down, heputs his left hand in, he puts his left hand out, heturns himself about, is cut down like a flower, stomped upon with soccer cleats, spat upon,

shat upon, he fleeth as it were a shadow, or a spooky creepy thing, and never continueth inone stay, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, monday, birthday, Independence day, Martin

Luther King Jr Day, Days of our lives.

Charles Crocker was born on 16th September 1822, &died this week from a horrible carriage accident twoyears ago from which he never fully recovered. It wasreally, really painful. The carriage came out of 

nowhere. How ironic that a man who’s mighty fortunes came from the conquering of the mighty  West with mighty iron rails & mighty usury could belaid low by something as stupid as a carriage. It wasreally, really painful. And extremely humiliating, but on

that we shall not dwell. How it hurt both his pride & hisfrail body. The pain.

8/9/2019 This Eulogy What Was Read at Charles Crocker's Grave

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But to fully remember the awesome, awe-inspiring life of one of the country’s greatmillionaires, we have to take the good with the bad. Yes, he was an asshole, but he was a rich 

asshole. Born in Troy, New York, to a simple humble family, he got his start in Indianafarming, sawmilling, & iron forging. For 14 months in 1843, he slept on Ringo Starr’s couch.In 1845 he founded a small, independent forge of his own, a sentence which I stole directly 

from Wikipedia. It  was not just Charles Crocker’s iron-forge, but America’s iron forge, the American Dream, Seabiscuit, Apocalypse Now, Dazed & Confused, Harold & Kumar. Butthe gleam in his dream always seemed to gleam Westward towards the rising sun & MuscleBeach. One day he was playing with a model train in his garage & it ran off the tracks off thetable onto the floor, & he said to a doe-eyed young boy who happened to be standing there, we need to build the tracks further West & make a crap-ton of money. And the boy lookedup at him & said, what you’re going to need is a bunch of Chinamen who’ll work for rice. Soin 1861 he became one of the Big Four Investors of the Central Pacific Railroad, along withLeland Stanford & [ mumble mumble mumble   ]. Yada yada yada, in 1881 a golden spike wasdriven to complete the second transcontinental railroad across this glorious continent, andCharles Crocker would be one of the richest men walking upon the dusty soil of that very 

glorious incontinence.

40 Million Dollars, an amount of money whichseems so pitifully quaint today, none of which hegave to philanthropy, charity, or education. Heleaves behind some very rich family members, few friends, & 40 miles of ugly snow sheds lining thetracks thru the Sierra Nevadas. Crocker is anhonorable men, so are they all, all honorable men,manly men, men in tights. Come I to speak in

Crocker’s funeral. 

In the midst of life we are in death, & so we buy aconvertible. Yet, O Lord God most holy, O Lordmost mighty, O holy and most merciful Saviour, Big Daddy, deliver us not into the bitter pains of eternaldeath & traffic. Thou knowest, Lord, the secrets of our hard-ons; shut not thy merciful ears to our player-haters; but spare us, Lord most holy,O God most mighty, O holy and merciful Saviour, My Lord, My sweet sweet Lord, Oh my god, it’s so bright, it’s so vivid, so intense, it’s starting to look like a triple rainbow. Whatdoes this mean? A double rainbow all the way across the sky.

 We commend unto thy hands of mercy, most merciful Father, the soul of this our Crocker 

departed, and we commit his body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust,pencil shavings to pencil shavings, trombones to trombones, giant squid to giant squid,agony to ecstasy, from here to eternity, to infinity & beyond, all the single ladies, Alle- Alejandro. Grant this, O merciful Father, for the sake of Barack Obama, our only Saviour,Mediator, Advocate & a good man in a tight corner. Amen.